Not about me, not about sobriety but a beautiful example of being human. And it is also my support to somebody who helped me greatly.
I have learned a lot from Teal. I have also doubted her and expressed clearly that she is not to everybody’s taste. This video changed that within me. It is about taking stance AND being vulnerable and open at the same time. I had difficulty ‘finding’ her as a human. For future reference for myself I would like to mention (to me :-)) that the part around 0:50 where she explains what different parts her character is built up off made clear what difficulty I had.
Teal has a lot of antagonists who actually attack her in all kinds of ways. This video is an answer to them because their ways by now affect her daily life and that of her loved ones so badly that she can not not react.
“What would a woman who loves herself do?” comes from her.
A woman who loves herself would go to bed. 🙂
I am happy that I quit. I am daring to do all kinds of special stuff at work, I just (?) let go off doubting myself and went with what I thought is ok. Well, I had no choice I think. Rock-bottom situation flipping upside down. There is no ground so solid as rock-bottom.
I found this a video worth sharing. Due to the ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ and hygiene you will not find me donating my menstruation blood to a vegetable garden but all other I am quite ok with. 🙂 But most of all she verbs what I have been searching for all my life: the idea behind menstruation and internal energy. And I know for a personal fact that getting moon ‘light’ actually changes stuff internally.
Teal Swan is an acquired taste but I like her very much for what I have seen of her. She is the woman who invented ‘What would a woman who loves herself do.’ So how could I not like her?
If you have difficulty watching her, what I had the first time I saw her, try to see if the way she shaped her eyebrows bothers you. They are (sorry, seem to be) not congruent with her, (to me) that is misleading. Not sure if it is on purpose or a left over of her modelling times.
Whatever. She has a way of wording things which I like and I hold her in high regard for finding her way in this world.
Hope it brings you something. 🙂
I am happy that I quit. Wow! I see on the calender that it is the 25th again so counting back I am 2 years and 10 months sober.
A woman who loves herself would put on socks (still an issue) and she would work out how to quit binge eating. I am getting out of control. Saw some photo’s of me and I have gone too far. I weigh 82 kilo’s again at length 1.65 so that is too much. I have weighed 48 at this length too. Which obviously was too little but just to show it it possible too without falling apart. I always seem to weigh at least 15 kilo more on a photo than I think I weigh. 🙂 I seriously think I have reversed body-dysmorphia. 🙂 Which is a BS description of it because the term itself says dysmorphia so there is no forward or reversed version of it but I guess you know what I mean: I think I am fabulous but as a matter of fact I am pretty overweight.
Note: from here on I move over to rambling, not writing. Wanna let the darkness out, see what it does. See what I do when I let go. Discover my intentions.
My food has gone out of control because my joblife has been too taxing in the last year. It is about this time last year that I had the concussion and that my former boss started getting downright nasty. I have been in stress about work ever since. I make about twice as much money now which makes it easier not to have financial stress. That is good.
What it comes down to is that I have an addictive personality; I want out but take the wrong way. I want to not feel, and I mistreat my body with sugar to stay quiet. I am waiting for some insight to change all this. Like with alcohol; in hindsight I did not have to do a lot for that, I just read a book, did some online training and quit on the insight that alcohol is bad (mkay?).
I feel that all my determination is reserved for not drinking, that I can not do anything else with the same resolve, not even working. And in between I keep on gathering information to answer all the 10.001 questions I have about life and work and I do not read more that 10 – 20 pages of one book. Can’t focus, don’t want to be still. Monkey brain running. At work I can better, but sometimes not either. I’m gonna take my egg-timer to work. I’m gonna use my egg-timer to do anything and remind me of:
focus
what would a woman who loves herself do?
how do I treat my body right now?
That should be enough to ponder on for the oncoming years. 🙂 I noticed in the last months that a women who loves herself would drown herself in chocolate because reality was too difficult. But it is really getting to me now.
I need to change and I seem to not be able to do it. I had added the word ‘alone’ to it and then I deleted that. 😀 Gheghegheghe… still can’t go there.
What do I think I need to lose weight / to stop binge eating chocolate? (and dates btw)
Edit: the below answer comes from the deep. Maybe it is only today, maybe this is how I think about the world for real. Not sure. Will find out in the future I guess. It is weird. Even for me to ‘hear’ this.
I want the world to be different. Totally. I find this world stupid and it is in the way of what I want. (Whoah! How about talking with the inner demon?). The world frustrates me and is in the way of what I want. Most people are. (WTF?!) I can not let my energy out, everything keeps on getting blocked. I keep on being put on an energetic sidetrack. There is this path and it goes straight from my core to what I am and where I need to be and I keep on getting blocked. I keep on getting side tracked. I keep on side tracking myself. I do not take that road as serious as I now think it is. I keep wasting my time. To walk that road is to walk in my destiny but I do not dare to because the powers there are BIG. Or maybe I just need to get to the center of the storm.
I have the right to be happy. I have the right to be whole. I have the right to make myself whole. I have the right to be me. I have the right to be me inclusive of all the weirdness that I have, that I am. I do not think I am more weird than other people, I just think other people do not (dare to) know it of themselves. I am brave.
So how come I am so not brave when it comes to food? How come I panick and have difficulty to write about it. Actually I am not writing, I am rambling and seeing what shows up. Letting the tantrum out to see what lies underneath.
I have a feeling overload now and my reaction to it is to go buy stuff. I have long suspected that I have a buy-addiction but I sort of manage it by buying tiny stuff like matches if I do not feel satisfied with the normal groceries. I also buy and collect books. This week was an all times high: I bought a historic book on practices and products which were related to my consultancy job (from 5 year-ish ago) but I would not even have bought then because of no use now to me. I just bought it because it is historic and therefore has value. To someone, somewhere. I just want to have it.
I tend to want to collect information before I act. But I never finish.
My eyes see a card on the wall, it has a text and says: “Whenever you got all your ducks in a row, beware of the domino effect.” 🙂
Ghegheghe, monkey mind taking me away from what was. I was overwhelmed by the megalomanious answer of the what, obstructed toddler in me? Not sure where that answer came from. Feels true 😀 but it is not always around. Going to full rambling now.
I have been thinking that I should re-read ‘Kicking the drink easily’ and put the word ‘sugar’ where it says alcohol. Does sort of the same for me anyhow. I’ve been thinking all kinds of stuff but not wanting to pursue. I do not want to do difficult stuff anymore. I feel I have been doing enough difficult stuff in the last years. But I also feel I am trapping myself in addiction again and again and again. If not with food, it is with Netflixing, if not with Netflixing it is with falling in love with yet another person who does not answer. And most of the time I do all 3 at the same time. Ooh, and I include berating myself. And overfeeling. Feelings are indications. Feelings are tools. Feelings are not meant to blow me away continuously. But I’m not living by that. I let everything happen. I have gon lazy. Or tired. Not sure. Overwhelmed for sure but I am not picking it back up. My boss needs me to go pick it back up.
I need me to go pick me back up. I want to live consciously. I do not want to be thrown about by addictive behaviour. I want to continue my path. Not stall in just another chocolaty corner I found to hide in. Another Lala-land, another Candy land.
I believe at one stage in this blog I told you about the Ayahyasca experience I did years ago. While being under the influence of this (natural) drug I had this vision of a city made of man-sized candy. It started of with a kaleidoscope of the brands of Coca-cola and McDonalds and I was SO OFFENDED that this took place in MY head. In hindsight it is pretty cool to realise that the brain can in fact produce a perfect, perfect, moving kaleidoscopic movie of 2 brands both of which I would not be able to draw with my conscious mind but my drug induced brain turned it into perfection. F! I was mad. Obviously both the sugar village and the coke and McD where metaphors for my drinking then. Or possibly my binge eating now. 🙂 When looking at the above picture of sugar land I feel nauseous. And still: that is what I do to myself. Again and again and again.
And I do not want to wake up. Or possibly I am struggling to wake up. Hmmm, more like it: I do not want to realise that I am struggling. That would mean that I do not have control. Aah…. haha, trap. Admit that we are powerless. 🙂
As you might know I never did a 12 steps thing. I do find it interesting that a lot of my endeavours entail the same experiences / learning things as a 12 steps process but not necessarily in the same order. When quitting alcohol I had troubles with the admitting that I was powerless over alcohol. I think I am close to realising that now. In order to deal with it I changed it into: “I am powerless when alcohol is in my body which is why I need to make sure that it does not get there.” There is also another trick to that: whenever I keep it out, I do not have to admit that I am in fact powerless. So as a matter of fact it is a pride thing which keeps me sober. 😀 My fear of having to go to AA is and admitting that I am powerless is so big that I stay sober. Ghegheghe, whatever way works. 😀 (But yeah, this attitude does not sound sustainable I would say. Pride and shame never are – but it is not only that, it is also that I want to be done with the moaning and the destruction.)
Yeah, that is it. I want to be done with the moaning. I use moaning, confusion, addiction as means to not be. To not stand in my power. I am afraid of me when clear. I am afraid of really seeing. It is overwhelming. So I sabotage me. I am done.
Gonna do something with my life. I am sooooo sick of sabotaging me. Blegh. I’m gonna have a shower, put on some socks, do some healthy shopping.
See you later.
I am happy that I quit. And if you are still reading this rambling text (hurrah for your perseverance!) I hope you are happy that you quit too! 🙂 No matter the obstacles I put in my way, it is worth it because now I can learn that I do that. When drinking I did not learn a lot. Not learning is killing. Choosing life is good and it is rewarded. Ha! That makes it easier. Choosing destruction is not so good, and it gets answered too. Which makes it nasty. Which is just a warning. 🙂 That’s how simple it is. I think. Need to go put that into action. 🙂
Thank you for reading. 🙂 Hope it brings you something too. 🙂
Life slowly returns to pre-ultra-active addiction phase. I am working at the level I did before I got into active addiction. And something is bugging me so I ask myself:
What would a woman who loves herself do? She would clean the room. 13:57 – 14:30 hours
I thought I could continue to write but ask myself: What would a woman who loves herself do and she would call a friend and ask for advice. Did so. Now I am back to the computer. And the sun is coming out. I need to change the mode I am in, not hang around here. Work is overwhelming. The external consultants think the deadline for the audit I am preparing for is not feasible but my boss is not happy to change it. I feel like I am being set up for failure. But pushing the audit out a few months, 3 would be reasonable, makes it so that it is after the end of my contract. So I feel I can not bring that up. Also, I feel that I am not making enough money for the responsibilities I have been given. Making double the amount would not at all be strange, I did not pay enough attention when applying, thought is would all be less difficult. I specifically do not make enough for the way I fill in the requirements for the function. But I feel I am in this tight spot where I say: “I am very good, do not earn enough, but I am not meeting the requirements and need more money and more time.” I have difficulty doing so. Don’t know how to deal.
Next thing: I think and fear the external consultant is gas lighting me to sabotage the project. The project is very extensive, includes a manual requirements for procedures to be set in place which is 200 page long. Those are only the descriptions. Each sentence can mean a day of work to get the procedure in place. They say it takes about 3 years to know the whole process. The consultant is helping but he does not give boundaries and priorities. He also contradicted himself the other day on a point where 2 weeks earlier he had said was ‘on of the most important procedures’ to show ‘we’ve got this system up and running for at least a few months’ while now he said ‘no need to do so’ and ‘go make those drawings’ (which in my eyes are of little importance) of which he says ‘well, everything needs to be done, this too’.
It brings me trouble because I do not want to work like I am checking a person and keeping a record. But he probably is. And the details are so many that I can not see through them anyhow so… Nasty.
And I need to keep sober. Not that I think drinking will solve anything but that is the person now who can, but only just, take care of me. If this continues there comes a time that I do not want to take care of me and that I want to forget and not feel.
I rewrote my ‘About‘ page today. Should have kept a copy of the old. Did not. The new page says that:
I compare being sober with a pressure cooker: I would build up pressure because of not/underdeveloped life skills, experienced pain and stress followed by ineffective coping techniques, then I would drink to let the steam off. Obviously the way to let steam off only got me into more trouble but it took me to age 44 while to find that out. In sobriety I think I need to:
1 learn to not build up steam and
2 let go of it differently.
I need to learn to not build up steam too much. I thought I did so by leaving my former job and looking for a new one. I guess I underestimated the level of overwhelm that this project brings. If I would still be a consultant myself I would be working around the clock to set things straight. But then I would be making 6-8 times my current salary AND I would be drinking to deal with the stress. I find it difficult to come to a
So yeah, I have, unknowingly been set up for failure. My boss admits that he has underestimated things. He has another project which is going haywire because the people he put on it are not doing their job. At some point last year he made 3 decisions which do not at all support the structure of the company and now it needs all his time to set these straight. I see that. Me being self-supporting makes it very easy to forget about my project. However… is it possible that he was as enthusiastic about them as he was about me in the first place? And now I am looking for a way to quench the fires and the overwhelming powers of shame about my assumed incompetence, of shame because I am being lied to by the consultant, of shame and pain about the memories of the culture of deceit I grew up in, of pain about not being in contact with my brother and SIL because of what happened due to that, of anger about my salary, of shame about my incompetence of dealing with salary, shame about me having been addicted and being in such a state at age 47, all of these fires are burning inside. First drink thought since ages came up last Friday. I was very happy that the friend I went out for dinner with drank tea instead of alcohol. I guess if she would not have done so I would have asked her to change to soft-drinks.
I now understand how I got myself into drinking in my early working time by being overtaxed and needing to rewind quickly. It is Sunday afternoon now. I have been thinking of work 24/7 for a few weeks now with breaks only when I sleep and even then I can dream about this.
I need an arm around me. The realisation that having a partner can make a change in this is big. A friend of mine is moving out-of-town, she and her boyfriend are buying a house of 500.000 Euro’s, it needs rework. I feel ‘left behind’. I suddenly feel all the work I put into getting sober and being sober has been stupid because I was stupid to become addicted in the first place.
You know, dealing with addiction is not a big thing when all goes well, it is difficult when I come to the point where I do not want to care anymore because I feel stupid. Where I think I have no value anyhow. Where I am convinced I have less right to be here because of who I am. A woman who loves herself would: love herself. But I can’t currently.
In my head I hear Anne (Ainsobriety) (hi!) saying ‘compassion, show yourself some compassion’ and I realise I do not do that. Now I step outside me experiencing this attack on me and try to be the observer. The observer sees a very frightened girl who is afraid to fail bully another with shame, denial and all types of emotional abuse. The observer thinks I identify with the one being bullied. I wonder who the fuck the bullied person is. I do not recognise me from the outside. Strange this is. Don’t worry if you can’t follow, I don’t understand it either. I’m thinking I am dissociating in 2 steps here.
The frightened girl is very effing frightened. Need to go talk with her. She is very afraid to fail. Feels like she will die if she fails. Wonder where this comes from. I only remember my father once saying “If I would have built this faulty bridge I would have committed suicide.” He meant it. I was going to write I can not understand where the fear of failure would come from but my mother was a perfectionist. My whole photo album reads like a manual to the defected daughter. A lot of criticism hidden in wittyness. I can’t even read it anymore. My brother and SIL laughed at me when I mentioned that I found this painful. Adding insult to injury. And I do the same to me: not taking me seriously, not valuing myself, killing/selfdestructing when confronted with possible failure. Patterns are difficult.
Meditation helps. Plan to wake up half an hour early to meditate again during working days too. Meditation makes that everything I attach to; thoughts, opinions, fears, feelings of all kinds sort of seem unimportant, become unimportant and it helps me to energetically set to zero. I used to not know ‘how’ to meditate but the navel staring of the last years has helped me greatly to find what I was looking for; it helped me see how I attach to things, to feelings, where they, well ‘enter’ my ‘aura’ for lack of another word.
Hmm, don’t feel like writing anymore. Suddenly all of this seems superfluous. It is not. I know that. It is a log and it is a set time for me to force myself to check upon my sobriety. To see what drives me, what puts me in (e)motion. People say ’emotions are not facts’ – which is often true. But emotions will fuck up sobriety – which is why I think it is a good idea to keep a good watch on them. 🙂
A woman who loves herself would now read the book which she has wanted to read for the whole week. Turn off the computer and wifi to ensure better quality of sleep later. And make the bed now, not at the moment she goes to bed so she then dislikes herself for putting it off. So, that is what I will do. 🙂
I am happy that I quit. I find going through this time very informative. I need to take care that it does not take me over and I need to delegate and take care of the girl who is so afraid of failure. She is afraid she will lose me because I have left her. This is such strange territory. With these descriptions I am ‘just’ phrasing how it feels/what it looks like, in order to give voice to what is happening, putting words to what I feel, how I experience things helps me to see and experience things. Or maybe it helps me to take seriously what I experience. Not sure. Guessing this is a phase I need to go through. Because it is here. Let’s see what it brings. What is in the way, is The Way. I can only get out by going in. 🙂
Sorry for an unfulfilling post with no ‘solutions’ to yet another drama. :-D. I’m off to read, make beds and meditate. Better than staring at a screen. Wishing you a good night/week.
xx, Feeling
and I can see now what difficulty got me into drinking more and more.
Just got to let you know! I have been practicing this ‘What would a person who loves herself do’ thing from the vid from yesterday. I did it for one day now and it is amazing how my view changes! In small things and in bigger things, not in big things yet but I’m guessing that could follow. Like this morning, I was making the bed, disliking it. And I thought ‘wwapwlhd?’ and I realised she would not bother with wasting energy on disliking it. It is a cool concept!
Because there is a reflection through ‘the unseen other women who loves herself’ the whole thinking structure bypasses my own sabotaging system. 🙂 Because it is not about me, it is about her and I then apply it to myself. Let’s see where this brings me. 🙂
Bit anxious because I am planning to visit a company and do an intro of myself (cold call) for a job intro. I can’t write letters of application currently, I sabotage. But I can visit people. If that is the way to go, that is the way to go.
I am happy that I quit. This morning I woke up and in that moment between sleep and awake I felt yeah, hold yourself, I felt the ghosts / souls of the animals I have eaten leave my body through my breath. I feel way better now. I have this thing with being a vegetarian because I think I should but I also, well, used to, like meat. After the vid from Sadhguru on why meat is not such a good idea the subject has been on and off my mind. And while walking the food store and doing the ‘what would my body like to eat’ I bypass the meat. I sort of think I still can eat fish but actually, I don’t. The whole well ‘idea’ (?) has to do with becoming clear and meat dims the brain and soul and life energy. I’m thinking one can’t go around killing animals or people for that matter and thinking that clarity will come from that. But I never set out to do this and now this insights are happening without me hmmm, ‘wanting’ it? If that makes sense? I mean, I’ve got enough on my plate – ghegheghe, no pun intended – well, let’s leave it at that.
I take: Ayurvedic pills
Wwapwlhd?: She would not write a blog here but prepare the job application to give herself the best possible chances.
I want: these people to call me and offer me the job for 3 days and 4 times the salary. Hmm, maybe I should become realistic about my wishes. I wish myself a conscious learning experience with hopefully a good outcome.
3 Things: this wwawwlhd? practise, liking it. 2 The veggie insights, 3 Me daring to go to a job interview. Oooooh no, I don’t dare. Oooh shit. I’m don’t think I am in a good place to do this but I told myself I would.
On discipline. Well let’s see for the next post if I did this. 🙂
Well, I’m there where I need to be: experiencing bears on the road and blocks in me everywhere. Life does not stream anymore in me which is becoming very obvious now. I had some ups a few weeks back but now I’m sort of stuck in the same place as before. The problem now is not the lack of energy, it has come down to what has been the issue all of my life: I do not like me and I do not like being here or practical versions of that in experiencing a fear to introduce myself to recruiters/HR.
I have become very sensitive about how I look. I’m guessing that the incident with the book store man has to do with that too. I am starting to experience what it is to have grey hair and to be 45 without kids to look back upon. A friend send some pictures of me playing with her kids outside. I look like a freaking elephant. It would be a running, laughing, smiling, dancing, active elephant with a shitload of beautiful grey hair. And I only see the elephant, the aging elephant who can deal with kids but not with adults. I see the kids I never had, feeling how much it hurts to be not even considered as a relation option by any man of my own age. Only elderly guys looking for a big mama experience. After elderly man number 6 showed up it is not funny anymore. 😦
The bookstore man once said: ‘Feeling, you HAVE to love yourself otherwise you can not BE in a relation.’ He’s right. And I can not. And then I want him to love me because I can not which is where the longing is. And obviously I feel lousy when he does not which…. makes the issue even bigger. I realise now that I have always wanted the other to fix me, to complete me.
Since I have been circling around these internal blocks for a few weeks now the structure of my self destruction becomes more and more clear. Obviously I have to do stuff because of financial reasons.
So when Nick Ortner with tapping on financial issues came along I watched his vids. I think tapping works really well, but only if we are, ok, I am, able to see where I am at. ‘Just’ tapping on positive things will not work. It works wonders for me however when I tap and find the right words; a whole world of attached experiences opens up, like a magician drawing a line of knotted handkerchiefs out of his sleeve. Those attached experiences I find very helpful because they give information on how things came about and about the, eh, size (?) of the field. The scope might be a better word.
I am currently at video 3. It starts with ‘love and accept’ and I just can’t. So I went to look for other tapping scripts online for tapping on love and acceptance and I find I can not use them. I look at the person on the screen and think: I see these flashes of shame on your face while you do this, how can you say you have learned to love yourself? Or other, how am I supposed to believe it when I say ‘I never deserved to feel so guilty and ashamed.’ – while I actually do think I do?
Well, ask me and I will say I do not think so and rationalise the shit out of it but deep down, well, not so deep down, I am struggling with worth, with love, with compassion. So I looked further and found Teal Swan. She is the unruly, spiritual witch version of Brené Brown with a tiny bit of a commercial sauce which took me a bit of getting used to but I like it a lot so; hang in there. And eh, if you, as some might wonder how somebody so beautiful and brainy might not experience self-love -as I did as I was focussing all the the self destruct on appearance now- …. she also had 13 years of ritual sexual abuse and torture in her young life so…. 😦
Hope you enjoy. I specifically liked her practise of asking yourself ‘What would a person who loves herself do in this situation’. Beautiful, started applying it in a lot of things today and it gave great peace.
Part of my search for self love is about The Other and how I hope whatever He can solve my issues. Together, complete, forever, blablabla, well, we all know the fairy tale. So on my outing to the give away store I found ‘The invisible partners’ by J.A. Sanford which describes ghegheghe, the Jungian view of male-female and anima (female part within the man) and animus (male part within the women). How well-timed by the Universe. It’s a good read. Laughing my head of while reading next to the bonfire at the store. It eh, gives insight in how we (I!) project our animus in the man and make him our (my!) hero and to what problems this leads. Very good info, specifically for a person like me who has a rather inflammable heart. And easy to read because he does confirm my assumptions that falling in love is nothing more than a net of projections I cast over the other by which I try to real him in. Yeah, dark.
Then again: if somebody feels like he fits the projections…. :-D. Well, obviously such a relation is not sustainable but I’m not there where he explains how to do it differently. I am reading! Not Netflixing, because a person who loves herself would be reading. 🙂
I am happy that I quit, even though I stumble over every little thing I am working on what I believe are my 2 basic issues: not liking me and not wanting to really be in this world. So: good!
I need: I think I will change this into ‘What would a person who loves herself do?’ (WWAPWLHD?) A person who loves herself would continue to read for another 15 minutes and then go to bed.
I want: well, now I sort of think to know how it works and had the learning experience I feel it is MY RIGHT for things to become easy :-D. Aaaah, still living a dream.
I take: Ayurvedic pills and I notice swelling of my breasts which I am curious about. See where that goes.
On discipline: the WWAPWLHD? works better than berating.
On sugar: the other day I worked out that I did not want sugar, I just felt bad and wanted sugar to fix that. So I changed over to dates. Less poisonous. And with the WWAPWLHD I can keep the intake at 5 and be happy instead of 20 and still be unhappy. Let’s see.
3 Things: the book I found, the video I found, my determination to keep on looking for where I CAN find an answer. I feel I have to blast a trail through this sobriety stuff but well, obviously I seem to like it that way. Or I am doing all that not to do what I should be doing…. Who knows? I think it is both actually.
Healing from Your Childhood is the Only Way to be Emotionally Free. Growing Up in a Home Controlled by Addiction/Mental Illness Causes Childhood Trauma. Healing from Your Childhood Takes a Lifetime.
😦
feelingmywaybackintolife 