Life slowly returns to, well, what?

Life slowly returns to pre-ultra-active addiction phase. I am working at the level I did before I got into active addiction. And something is bugging me so I ask myself:

What would a woman who loves herself do? She would clean the room. 13:57 – 14:30 hours

I thought I could continue to write but ask myself: What would a woman who loves herself do and she would call a friend and ask for advice. Did so. Now I am back to the computer. And the sun is coming out. I need to change the mode I am in, not hang around here. Work is overwhelming. The external consultants think the deadline for the audit I am preparing for is not feasible but my boss is not happy to change it. I feel like I am being set up for failure. But pushing the audit out a few months, 3 would be reasonable, makes it so that it is after the end of my contract. So I feel I can not bring that up. Also, I feel that I am not making enough money for the responsibilities I have been given. Making double the amount would not at all be strange, I did not pay enough attention when applying, thought is would all be less difficult. I specifically do not make enough for the way I fill in the requirements for the function. But I feel I am in this tight spot where I say: “I am very good, do not earn enough, but I am not meeting the requirements and need more money and more time.” I have difficulty doing so. Don’t know how to deal.

Next thing: I think and fear the external consultant is gas lighting me to sabotage the project. The project is very extensive, includes a manual requirements for procedures to be set in place which is 200 page long. Those are only the descriptions. Each sentence can mean a day of work to get the procedure in place. They say it takes about 3 years to know the whole process. The consultant is helping but he does not give boundaries and priorities. He also contradicted himself the other day on a point where 2 weeks earlier he had said was ‘on of the most important procedures’ to show ‘we’ve got this system up and running for at least a few months’ while now he said ‘no need to do so’ and ‘go make those drawings’ (which in my eyes are of little importance) of which he says ‘well, everything needs to be done, this too’.

It brings me trouble because I do not want to work like I am checking a person and keeping a record. But he probably is. And the details are so many that I can not see through them anyhow so… Nasty.

And I need to keep sober. Not that I think drinking will solve anything but that is the person now who can, but only just, take care of me. If this continues there comes a time that I do not want to take care of me and that I want to forget and not feel.

I rewrote my ‘About‘ page today. Should have kept a copy of the old. Did not. The new page says that:

I compare being sober with a pressure cooker: I would build up pressure because of not/underdeveloped life skills, experienced pain and stress followed by ineffective coping techniques, then I would drink to let the steam off. Obviously the way to let steam off only got me into more trouble but it took me to age 44 while to find that out. In sobriety I think I need to:

1 learn to not build up steam and
2 let go of it differently.

I need to learn to not build up steam too much. I thought I did so by leaving my former job and looking for a new one. I guess I underestimated the level of overwhelm that this project brings. If I would still be a consultant myself I would be working around the clock to set things straight. But then I would be making 6-8 times my current salary AND I would be drinking to deal with the stress. I find it difficult to come to a

So yeah, I have, unknowingly been set up for failure. My boss admits that he has underestimated things. He has another project which is going haywire because the people he put on it are not doing their job. At some point last year he made 3 decisions which do not at all support the structure of the company and now it needs all his time to set these straight. I see that. Me being self-supporting makes it very easy to forget about my project. However… is it possible that he was as enthusiastic about them as he was about me in the first place? And now I am looking for a way to quench the firesย  and the overwhelming powers of shame about my assumed incompetence, of shame because I am being lied to by the consultant, of shame and pain about the memories of the culture of deceit I grew up in, of pain about not being in contact with my brother and SIL because of what happened due to that, of anger about my salary, of shame about my incompetence of dealing with salary, shame about me having been addicted and being in such a state at age 47, all of these fires are burning inside. First drink thought since ages came up last Friday. I was very happy that the friend I went out for dinner with drank tea instead of alcohol. I guess if she would not have done so I would have asked her to change to soft-drinks.

I now understand how I got myself into drinking in my early working time by being overtaxed and needing to rewind quickly. It is Sunday afternoon now. I have been thinking of work 24/7 for a few weeks now with breaks only when I sleep and even then I can dream about this.

I need an arm around me. The realisation that having a partner can make a change in this is big. A friend of mine is moving out-of-town, she and her boyfriend are buying a house of 500.000 Euro’s, it needs rework. I feel ‘left behind’. I suddenly feel all the work I put into getting sober and being sober has been stupid because I was stupid to become addicted in the first place.

You know, dealing with addiction is not a big thing when all goes well, it is difficult when I come to the point where I do not want to care anymore because I feel stupid. Where I think I have no value anyhow. Where I am convinced I have less right to be here because of who I am. A woman who loves herself would: love herself. But I can’t currently.

In my head I hear Anne (Ainsobriety) (hi!) saying ‘compassion, show yourself some compassion’ and I realise I do not do that. Now I step outside me experiencing this attack on me and try to be the observer. The observer sees a very frightened girl who is afraid to fail bully another with shame, denial and all types of emotional abuse. The observer thinks I identify with the one being bullied. I wonder who the fuck the bullied person is. I do not recognise me from the outside. Strange this is. Don’t worry if you can’t follow, I don’t understand it either. I’m thinking I am dissociating in 2 steps here.

The frightened girl is very effing frightened. Need to go talk with her. She is very afraid to fail. Feels like she will die if she fails. Wonder where this comes from. I only remember my father once saying “If I would have built this faulty bridge I would have committed suicide.” He meant it. I was going to write I can not understand where the fear of failure would come from but my mother was a perfectionist. My whole photo album reads like a manual to the defected daughter. A lot of criticism hidden in wittyness. I can’t even read it anymore. My brother and SIL laughed at me when I mentioned that I found this painful. Adding insult to injury. And I do the same to me: not taking me seriously, not valuing myself, killing/selfdestructing when confronted with possible failure. Patterns are difficult.

Meditation helps. Plan to wake up half an hour early to meditate again during working days too. Meditation makes that everything I attach to; thoughts, opinions, fears, feelings of all kinds sort of seem unimportant, become unimportant and it helps me to energetically set to zero. I used to not know ‘how’ to meditate but the navel staring of the last years has helped me greatly to find what I was looking for; it helped me see how I attach to things, to feelings, where they, well ‘enter’ my ‘aura’ for lack of another word.

Hmm, don’t feel like writing anymore. Suddenly all of this seems superfluous. It is not. I know that. It is a log and it is a set time for me to force myself to check upon my sobriety. To see what drives me, what puts me in (e)motion. People say ’emotions are not facts’ – which is often true. But emotions will fuck up sobriety – which is why I think it is a good idea to keep a good watch on them. ๐Ÿ™‚

A woman who loves herself would now read the book which she has wanted to read for the whole week. Turn off the computer and wifi to ensure better quality of sleep later. And make the bed now, not at the moment she goes to bed so she then dislikes herself for putting it off. So, that is what I will do. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit. I find going through this time very informative. I need to take care that it does not take me over and I need to delegate and take care of the girl who is so afraid of failure. She is afraid she will lose me because I have left her. This is such strange territory. With these descriptions I am ‘just’ phrasing how it feels/what it looks like, in order to give voice to what is happening, putting words to what I feel, how I experience things helps me to see and experience things. Or maybe it helps me to take seriously what I experience. Not sure. Guessing this is a phase I need to go through. Because it is here. Let’s see what it brings. What is in the way, is The Way. I can only get out by going in. ๐Ÿ™‚

Sorry for an unfulfilling post with no ‘solutions’ to yet another drama. :-D. I’m off to read, make beds and meditate. Better than staring at a screen. Wishing you a good night/week.

xx, Feeling

 

 

 

 

 

and I can see now what difficulty got me into drinking more and more.

Living and being ok with being honest

I got myself through the probation time and had the tax audit. Both worked out fine. And in both I have been nothing less than absolutely honest. I think this is one of the nicest things of sobriety: not to have to lie anymore. The realisation that I am, for me, enough. Enough. Good. Entitled to be me as I am. Not setting my goals so high and wide that I have to be ‘not me’ to reach them.

Half way through my probation time I found out that I did actually not have a probation time because my boss had made a mistake in the contract. This was strange. Felt weird. I could not fit it in my mind so I decided to continue to think I had a probation time. That worked better.

I notice that my emotions still run high and wild, guess that’s part of the deal of being me. However there is this thought that someday I will be ok again. I have gone through 1,5 years of for me, unusual scarcity and financial trouble – which actually meant nothing more than paying the rent late, eating less meat, not going out for dinner, not buying cloths or going on a holiday for 3 years. That is not bad in comparison to most of the world. ๐Ÿ™‚ I worked my way through and I guess I worked my way out. I am back at the education level which I should be working and doing ok.

My perfectionism and criticism are traits I need for this job but not in the quantity that they are supplied within so I have to deal with that too, otherwise I irritate my colleagues and loose respect. Also I need to learn to set boundaries, I do not have enough time to pick up other peoples slack. But my main focus is on keeping healthy and keeping my brain functioning without experiencing information overload. It requires that I go to bed on time and sleep well, so good sleeping habits are still on the agenda. Also it requires that I stop thinking about work after working hours. That is not going so well. Loads of tiny details I know I will otherwise forget. I do not have the right tools in place yet to not forget, apart from a to do list which only keeps growing.

I spoke about this with the external consultant. He noticed my love for perfection too and tells me I have no time for that. I asked him to help me if he thought I was going over the top on things. Perfectionism: if I am perfect they will love me. ๐Ÿ™‚

Oh, my boss wife enquired after my sexual orientation today. I asked her why she would ask and what gave her the idea that it was not plain obvious. That was a question. She said that I had not proclaimed myself. I asked why I should have saying that I can scan the orientation from people without asking (that is mostly true, not always). And in the whole conversation which lasted 3 minutes I did not, other than that, reply to her question. It is strange, I felt I could not. I have no answer to this question. I like men for the ‘hunt’ but women are better in bed. I like women better as persons but energetically I find women not so exciting. I guess now I don’t have to pay back the tax money I can spend some money on the Ayurvedic doctor to get my yin and yang sorted out. It is strange to be 47 and still not know which way the wind blows. I do not feel I need to be honest about that. I do not lie either.

The questions also scared me; “Holy shit here we go again!” The experiences with my former boss still linger and at these questions immediately popped up as unresolved issues. Guess I left there too late after all. ๐Ÿ™‚ / ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I don’t want to have to tell anybody I do not know shit about how it works within.

Funny thing is: I feel a lot better if, within myself, I let my orientation be undecided. Ghegheghe, it gives rest. The rest of not having to hunt or be something to be appreciated, behave some way to be liked. I feel much more balanced if I do not let my sex drive determine me. It is odd, like everything inside is out of balance, like I am standing on a see-saw that also rotates around the center, and then without the see-saw. But I guess I am currently more comfortable there. It might sound funny but this seems to be a spiritual ‘choice/process’ rather than a sexual one. Something keeps on saying: ‘humanity first’. I am learning to not label people by gender. Which, as I see now, I did thoroughly. Guess this is good. ๐Ÿ™‚ I could also be experiencing the first signs of the getting older. ๐Ÿ™‚ Dunno, we shall see.

I am happy that I quit. Not overly grateful, just happy in an obliged happy way because I am pretty sure I would not be alive right now. Mandatory happy. Need to work out what is keeping me from being really really happy. But now it is bed time.

Wishing you a nice day / evening.

xx, Feeling

 

The price I pay for staying in lalaland

candyland1These last few days I have been very much confronted with the price I pay for having stayed in Lalaland too long. The above picture is one of lalaland, sort of how it came to me in an Ayahuasca session. I guess what hurts me the most is that, as I wrote this morning, I did not properly say goodbye to my mom. Well, of course I was sober when with her, apart for one time :-/, but I feel I did not get to let go of the grieve correctly. When she died I was already addicted. Which is easy to say because I was addicted from drink one. I think around that time I drank 3-4 nights a week 3-4 pints. With ever so now and then waaaaaay more. I notice that there are layers within me that do not know she’s dead yet. That hurts.

And I feel guilty I blew a fortune of halve a house on what worked out to be ‘trying to set up a company’ in a consumer goods. I am not a flashy consumer marketer. I am an engineer. I should stick with that. Two third of that money was inheritance and one-third of that money was my own but still… I blew it because I was drinking. If I was not I might have pulled the plug out earlier or worked on it more effectively.

Because of the moving into another line of work I let go of my old contacts and network. Not smart. And now I feel too ‘labelled’ with misfortune (and my own label ‘alcoholic’ or ‘addict’) that I do not have the guts to contact them. I guess it will take time before I feel sure enough on my business feet to face these people.

I wrecked my body but what worries me more is that I wrecked my brain. I’m not sure if it is really damaged but I still have this addicty attitude of ‘not wanting to be in the moment’ and I think because of that I register things badly. And I feel so insecure about it that it cripples me when speaking with people of my profession.The price I pay.

I also feel guilty of drinking when the cat got her litter. I had promised myself to not drink 10 days around her date but I made it to day 4 and then drank 2 days half and the 3rd day I had 3 pints and they were born that night. I felt so guilty about that that I was stressed and that stressed the cat too. She was doing fine and suddenly she looked up to me totally insecure asking me ‘What am I doing wrong?’ I immediately realised then that I was just radiating insecurity and fear and she picked up on it. It did teach me a lot, and nothing went wrong but still. It was not good.

And I did loads of stupid things when I was an angry young women. Mostly self destructive stupid things but no matter what, that dragged people around me into the atmosphere of my addiction too. Now I’m just an angry older women.

That’s another point: the not processing of emotions. I spent thousands on therapy and courses which, I don’t know but I guess they would have been twice, three times, ten times as effective if I had not drunk. Not that I drank during the day, but sometimes, with difficult things, I would drink the evening before and the evening after. So… I know now that takes away from the learning effect. Then I just wanted to ‘feel safe’. Which is the nice version of ‘not feel’. And there’s more, but this is a difficult post and I just want to get to bed.

I fear: everything I take: nothing I want: to sleep and not wake up. Wow! (No, not really, just mentioning a tendency, what gets reflected back when I ask. Strange day it is today. I am at 11 or 12 days no sugar and getting bored with what I am eating because I’ve lost interest due to the lack of cravings because I now have a (more) stable blood sugar level. Also, I shop cheap in order to safe money so I don’t get all the tasty expensive stuff. I need to look into that because I have learned that this boredom is the beginning of something bingy coming up. Yes, something bingy coming up: somewhere at 17:00 ish I decided that I had earned sugar. I found that a funny addicty description but I took ginger ale (ale, not the cordial) 1/5 and mixed it with sparking water. I took one sip and felt it going down and it felt bad. Bad, bad, bad. And that is the price I pay for being in lalaland too long: weird shit going on with my health and not enough intellectual stability to deal with that.

Funny enough something in me (it felt like my body) was trying to convince me to take it and I wondered, is this how it would feel to drink alcohol? Feel stupid, feel that it is wrong and still want it? I stuck with the ‘how does it feel’ and put the glas away. And haha, there it comes: I picked it up just in order to see if it still tasted bad. Now THAT is familiar, but in my life only recognisable in others: this is how little kids learn. Tell them they are not allowed to do something and they will test another 2 times if you were serious. Somebody once told me that is not lack of respect or being stupid, it is just how we are wired.

So, I sat down, seeing what would happen, trying to inform myself that sugar is not the same as alcohol and that I should wind down. Did not work. Then I realised that this ‘lapse, relapse, collapse’ thought has very much settled in my brain against my will. I fear that thought itself. Like walking around with a time bomb. I have difficulty dealing with it because it undermines my idea of control (very addicty) but yes, it undermines my idea of control and that is very uncomfortable when it comes to booze. But while I was trying to think, didn’t go very well because of the fear, I wondered: ‘What if it were alcohol? It is not even alcohol and you have difficulty putting it away even though it does not go down well at all. You have tasted it, found that it was foul and still you are yearning? What is going on?’ (parts of me speak to me :-D)

Nothing big happened there apart from me realising that I did think it was awful so why the heck would I drink it? I did not. It did not bother me anymore after I connected with how I had felt. I guess I should practise that because it feels like there is truth in that.

So, I had a shitty day workwise, I DELETED a file for a course / book I had been working on for a few hours. I mean, last time that happened was when I was, what 25? But then found a better way to do the file anew so that was fixed in no time. Maybe that was good, but it did not feel good. I was very tired after that. I think it was good I had the reconnect to feeling with the sugar drink experience. Even though it does sound I have gone over the top with my food things. You know, I do think that I have, but I feel I am not there where I need to be with my health so I continue searching. I do want to get rid of the worries about it, trust my body, but that is hard.

I am happy that I quit in a sort of obligatory (is that the right word?) way. Not really feeling it. That is because I feel little progress. Which is why progress is good. When I feel progress I feel alive and I don’t worry about the happy or not. Meh, too tired, need to get to bed. And again I did not get to the 3 things good. Isn’t that… informative. :-/ Another good thing: the cat is going outside again. No, a thing about me. I enjoyed a real nice apple today. ๐Ÿ™‚ It was an ecological Granny Smith from Italy. I normally only like these when they are from Argentina, in the season, but this one was very good. ๐Ÿ™‚ And I guess that detailed moaning and comparing is making me miserable. Pfffff. I should practise enjoying good things.

Hope you have a GOOD day or evening. ๐Ÿ™‚ xx, Feeling

It takes 8 months

This man got a bike that goes right when he turns left and visa versa. It took him 8 months to learn to ride it. And then it took him 20 minutes to learn to ride a normal bike again. I am not sure I agree with his explanation but I do think it has an analogy with addiction. Or no matter what: it is fun :-).

I am happy that I quit in a sort of ‘shit I really need to get a move on and pfiew glad I don’t drink anymore’ kind of way. I am trying to get back to the profoundly happy that I quit but worries get in the way. Now I try to separate the worries from being happy. Logically they are not linked. My mother had cancer and it was breaking down her body. She was still happy, she had learned to separate these. (And I guess she did a lot of hiding her fear and stress….) I miss her so much. I guess this is the hardest part of the price I pay for having spent so much time in lalaland: not having closed the dealing with her death. I thought I had, but the hurt of her going is still there, the unfinished business. More and more I get the feeling to ‘Oooh, I’ll call my mother.’ and then realise she is not here anymore.

I fear: well pffff, shitloads.

I want: to have breakfast

I need: to have breakfast

I take: nothing, just fully sugarless. Less fog but not the clarity I remember from when I was 19. (Ghegheghe….)

Things that went well: the work I am doing, what I do is good. Working with consumers is different: they all want a piece of me, I get e-mails as long as my posts discussing technical things. That is rather tiring. There are a few things that I follow up on and that continue to just go well. I should be proud of / happy with kicking the sugar but somehow I think I should not have get hooked at the first place. Hmmm :-/

And there is something funny going on: I keep on meeting up people who have no money at all and are generally in a rut. Walking along the wrong energy lines here. ๐Ÿ™‚ Let’s see how to deal with that.

And with writing that I did not even come to the 3rd thing that is going well. This talking stuff down is pretty much alive in me. Well, with writing down 3 things that are going well or that I have done well I realise that I am never content and always think I should have done better. That revelation is sinking in by now. That is good, in a sad way. Doing it again! My god this is difficult. I guess I need to watch the video again: it takes 8 months to unlearn a pattern if once practises every day. I will add ‘things that go well’ to the list on my egg timer. The current list is ‘stand up straight’ (I try to work standing at least half of the day), ‘shoulders back’ and ‘breathe’. One thing that I did good: type a post. ๐Ÿ™‚

I hope you have a happy sober / clean day or evening!

xx, Feeling