Socialising is good

Hi everybody,

Just dropping in to say hi and tell you that socialising is good. Thank you all for your comments, hugs and wise words. I went out for dinner yesterday with 2 good friends and received some real beautiful real life hugs and was listened too and cheered up. These hugs, the listening and advice were added to all your online reactions and it restored some of my lifeliness.:-)

Slept well but woke up early. Went to work late, bought my boss a package of his favo cookies and apologised forΒ  walking out. He was generally ok with me having a too bad a mood to work; ‘Happens sometimes’ he unpacked the cookies and beamed me his brightest, brightest, brightest smile. It is nice to have a boss who is also human and who can receive cookies well if I screw up. πŸ™‚ And then gave me a seasoned, professional, motivated help for 2 days in the week! Yay! The help is a real nice guy who can actually listen and is interested in the process. Me! Happy! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

And so the rollercoaster goes up again. I wonder if I will ever learn to trust. I guess other people have a partner to tell them that it is going to be ok.

Also, I met my predessor today, she left about a year ago and was not followed up. She informed me of another randomly planned audit from government side. Ok….. that is…. a surprise…. Just when I thought I had seen it all. πŸ˜€

Today I managed to, at some moments, figure out what a woman who loves herself would do which is good. Tomorrow is Friday. I still find it mindboggling how difficult it is to really care for me. How easy I abondon myself. How this ‘not caring for me’ has been a lifelong trait. I did decide to drastically cut down on my hours for 2 reasons: working overtime is eating in at my efficiency right now and also I am not caring for myself anymore because I am too tired. But I found out yesterday, and before, that this behaviour brings me to the edge of the abyss in no-time. I did not want to drink yesterday. But the forces of self-destruction were amazingly strong and that is, I don’t know, tempting? I am tired of falling down and having to get up.

“If you are tired of starting over again, stop giving up.”

I guess in these downfalls I notice that I work through sobriety without external ‘addiction’ help apart from blogging. I have been to one AA meeting, must have been over half a year ago. I guess I will go again. I am still not sure about the tax returns of 2014 and 2015, and not sure about the housing support over 2016 so I do not know what money in my bank is mine. So I don’t go to my therapist either because I fear I might not be able to afford it later on. Funny how I realise that I can sort any of it out in almost ‘no-time’ but don’t. Yes I do have a job at a highly skilled level and no I still do not make a lot more than a production worker. We’ll see what the future brings. For now I don’t spend a lot. I do however buy more organic food just because it makes me feel better. And no meat and more cheese. Thinking of slowly walking towards half veganism, half vegetarianism with maybe 1 times meat in the month. It is a compassion and spiritual cleanliness thing; when looking at the meat and dairy industry I see only wrongdoings. It is horrifying specifically in countries where large megastalls are allowed. I do not think it is good to treat animals, or anybody like that. And it is specifically bad to eat the produce of that commercial abuse. No good can come of mistreating your food, nature or oneself. And still I do. But I also learn. Sometimes too slowly to my taste.

My cat is coming to send me to bed. πŸ™‚ I’m off. Wishing you a good night/day.

I am happy that I quit eventhough currently I have difficulty making heads or tails of this life I lead. It is a bit extreme. Or maybe these are just my reactions. Dunno. It is bedtime. A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. Would have been in bed already. Tomorrow is Friday and then…. it’s weekend!

xx, Feeling


The third goose

Fucking karma wheel spinning and spinning. I arrived at work at 7:00, left at 10 ish telling my boss that I was too much in a bad mood to do any good.

Yesterday I realised how little confidence the consultants actually have in us getting the certification and that was, well, revealing. It really put all my hard work into perspective (label: useless). On top of that I asked the head of production to follow procedures exactly as they are and should be and should have been for years and years and the whole department thus finished 2 hours late with everybody complaining about the work. I asked the head of deparment who himself is declared incompetent by my boss (nice) for solutions and he started to smile and smile and smile with his big brown eyes and cute face but gave no answers.

This morning I biked to work realising that I had done it again: invest too much and be disappointed about it. Where yesterday I still thought I could turn the tide of this company today I woke up realising that this is impossible. 1 Person can not undo in 2 months what 20 destructed in 2 years. I realised that again I had lost myself in a company, in workaddiction. I realised that if I could not set myself straight soon, I would not last the 6 month contract and even if I did, at this moment I am not tempted to continue after these 6 months.

This morning I asked Purchasing to give me some delivery times on regular goods which he knows (or should know) of by heart if he is serious about his job and just in time delivery which is required in this line of work. He did not know the answers and told me to look it up myself. Secondly I walked into the warehouse only to find an open box of toxic laying around in a corner while the same deer eyed head of department assured me days ago that ‘all had been fixed’ and that people where now really really really following safety instruction. NOT! This is a knock-out for the audit. So this got me pretty wound up.

Then I spoke with my boss on purchasing some goods which should have been purchased by Purchasing 4 weeks ago. Purchasing replied with ‘can’t find what you are looking for’ while I had actually added a link to exactly the product we required. The moment I press the send button on the finalizing mail aboutΒ  this subject the boss rethinks the situation and says ‘no’. Purchasing was in the cc of the former mail so I mail them:Β  boss changed his mind. At which I get a diatribe of mails on ‘how he does not know how to answer whatever if there is no real question and how should he know what tf if I am not clear’ at which I reply that he was in the cc so fyi only. Even more garbage gets spilled in mail form.

Boss comes back, sits down and says: “I think, in the future, you, I and my wife will be running this company.”

I imploded and exploded internally and said: “Today is not the day to speak about the future with me.” He turned white, red, white again walked of and slammed the door.

I sat there for half an hour trying to hold myself together which did not work. Collegues came in, the nice girl asked me what was up. I told them I was fed up with the situation. Then I tried to work and went to another collegue for some more information. She was very willing to give it to me but her office-mate stormed off saying that he could not work ‘like this’. Slamming the door on his way out. This is the same guy who speaks private nonsense for 15 minutes in my office disturbing 3 people. I have company earplugs so I am not all too bothered.

It was strange to realise a lot of forces against me. I gave up. Told my boss I was going homea and would be back tomorrow. He pretended not to be interested or care but to me it seemed he was boiling inside.

I biked home and saw a set of grey geese with geeselings, first ones this year. There was a third goose, a white one trailing the geeselings and offering them food, trying to be part of the family. It was so sad. The image so much compared to my life where I want to be part of the boss and his wife’s family company but, I mean, it can not be. It is not natural. Even though I just got offered the third spot. Such misconception that I could fit in. There is no such thing.

That was 10 o’clock. It is 17 something now and I am still all over the place. Cheese, chips and chocolate only go so far. Spoke with a dear friend, that helped. And then again I cried and cried and cried and cried and realised that loneliness is eating away at my heart, my very core. That my work/love addiction has taken me places again. Story of my life: I can not fit in. I am too different and when the shit hits the fan I loose from all those who do not give a shit.

I do not think I can be me any longer. It just hurts. I do not understand what the fuck I am doing wrong. I can not live like this. It just hurts. And then the internal addict walks in and says; “Why don’t you go get some beers? That would be better than slitting your wrists.” Another trap. So many traps addiction lays out. I don’t know what to do anymore. Take care of myself. Yes, well yeah, this is the position I arrive in when I don’t. I am sick of having to learn that. Which is because I have no resevers left because I did not take care of me. Tired of doing it all by myself. Which is logical because we people are not meant to be living alone for so long. If I don’t set boundaries the outside world, or what I currently experience as the outside world (like my body…. being tired….) will. Effing addict complications. Kut karma.

I’m off to take a shower. See if it will wash away. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit in a very angry way. Angry at myself that I am not more mature. Aah, there is an opening, I am scared of what people at my work will think because I went home. Scared of what my boss will think. Scared that he right at this moment decides to kick me out anyway. Lesigh…. I just want peace. Or maybe I can’t deal with that and that is why I screw things up. 😦

Off to take a shower.

xx, Feeling

If I asked you to name what you love, how long does it take for you to mention yourself?

It has been a while since I wrote. My life has been another (?) roller coaster of emotions with the new job and working 45-50 hours a week. 2 Weeks ago I had another one of those immense panick attacks where my legs gave in, my heart raced through my body, faltering ever so now and then and I had this continuous feeling of fainting. It was at my work so I asked help from a co-worker. She was really nice and understanding. Even though I have been writing posts since the last one but never pushed the publish button. Did not want things to be real I guess. πŸ™‚

Edit: this is a post which could be renamed; ‘moaning’. Not upset if you don’t read. πŸ™‚

The job I have is the toughest one I ever had. I am exactly where I need to be to learn what I need to learn but shit, it is tough. The pressure with the upcoming company audit is high and eventhough I have been in this company for 3 months ‘already’ there have not been 5 minutes the same. Well, obviously there have been some repetitive things but most of it is new, new, new, new, new, new, new. Should I be there? I guess I should. My boss guesses I should. His admiration of my is lessening – thank God, it was starting to become unbearable, I feel locked up in this glass house, in stardom and people around me seemed to start to wonder what is going on. I want things to be normal. I want to be able to fail and still be carried by the organisation and my boss. We had a talk about perfectionism. I need it for my job because that we are looking to get certified for a system of gazillion details. If I had the time it would be perfect. I don’t have the time. The company does not have the time. We don’t have the time. So I need to move quicker. My solution to receiving criticism was to be ‘even more perfect’. Perfection is such a trap. πŸ™‚

I remember this moment when I was about 4 years old and saw a beautiful, very fashionable woman who, with her appearance held power over people. I wanted to be as perfect and powerful as she was so nobody would ever hurt me again. Perfection for me serves two purposes: one is being untouchable and safe. The other drive is me wanting to be part of something and thinking this can only happen if I am flawless. I notice now in my work and personal life that being untouchable does not make people trust or like me – I am learning that over the years I have never showed them me. I have showed the world an outwardly projected image of what I wanted to be. A mask. I need show who and what I am for people to be able to live. I suffocate myself if I don’t.

Anyway, what I wanted to write about is NOT my struggle with being in love with yet another person in my life. Somehow I do not feel safe anymore to be discussing this. It is a big one. I don’t even think it is personal, just a biological response to feeling unsafe.

We regularly meet through work. Most of the time I am ok, but whenever he is in an agreeable mode and very positive about and towards me it is hard not to be touched by his energy. At one point I felt so locked up in the situation that I threw a Tarot on it and well, the explanation of the situation was the intense meeting of male and female energy and the solution was Love. I thought: I can do the Love bit, it does not have to be lust. It can be Universal Love and appreciation of life’s energy. Gonna try to stick to that.

Other subject, or possibly the same, or at least related. The memories of my womb-brother dying next to me keep on hitting me at all moments. Little logic to the timing. It is very hard, sitting at my desk, filling in a spreadsheet and suddenly being overwhelmed with grieve over somebody who I regarded as my other self dying next to me. I think it has to do with the phase of discovery of this subject of womb-twin syndrome I am in, also I assume that the stress I am under attacks my life force and makes me believe my life is in danger. Well, I guess that is how I roll. Always have. I have no way of coping other than accepting that this is happening, feeling through, realising how this experience has shaped me. I guess one day all things will fall into place. I realise that I, with some of the men I meet, want to recreate that womb feeling of him being me and I being him. The bookstore guy was one of them.

Well, loads of the usual moaning. What I really want to write about is how, how, how…. I forget to take care of myself easily. I do not think I have cleaned my house more than once in 3 months. (Yuck!) I do clean my bed every week, do the dishes, I do change into new undies and a T-shirt every day, jeans get washed every 3 days but the house is a mess. Under all the bravado of ‘being so fantastic’ at my job I am scared to death that I will fail and somehow, well, am ashamed upfront so badly that I do not care for me anymore. Why is it that I do not even remember to ask myself ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’ Why don’t I write here? What, after all the shameful shamelessness I turned digital here, do I hesitate now to be here and write, sort stuff out?

Looking back I over the past 2,5 years (yes! :-)) I had/have (?) a strong thing going for myself. Being happy that I quit, always a reminder for me to feel gratitude for quitting, to check in on me. And now? I scorn myself, I berate myself, I dislike myself, feeling so inadequate, thinking I should be ‘further along the growth line of sobriety’, I hate my lonely heart which flies out to meet this new (married!!) man in my life. I look down on myself because I am ashamed of AGAIN falling for some guy even though he himself really is trying to show off his charm.

Not sure what is happening. I’m thinking if I am not perfect I do not have the right to exist. Today I tried tapping (EFT) on the subject. That actually really helps. The thing that pops up after layers of layers of layers of disliking myself is “Mama why don’t you love me?” Somehow now I prefer to punish myself for being unloveable (let’s say, fall in love with the worst man possible, can cost me my job, my income, my pride) instead of dealing with the immense loneliness of realising that my mother was had a dislike towards me. Only in the last 1,5 years of her life this changed into like and love. Well, realising this actually does make me feel better. So it is either loneliness or berating myself and selfdestructing. Trying to sit with it.

If you would ask me what I love in life, I would not be on the list I guess. I find it amazing how long this struggle takes. Guessing that it took me 44 years to get addicted, it will take at least one month for every year to reverse things and still: that might be true if I were working on it day and night. I’m not. I don’t even ask myself what a woman who loves herself would do.

I went to the hairdresser today. Scared to cut off the last bit of old dyed hair. My going grey is directly and strongly related to the decission to quit drinking. I feel I am not ready to let go of the last old dyed bit because I have not done what it takes yet in order to be sober / clear. I have transferred my alcohol addiction to work addiction, Netflix, chocolate, cheese and chips. I still feel ashamed of what I have destructed in my life with booze, ashamed because I squandered my mothers inherritance.

It is evening now, reading back what I wrote (pretty much against my own rules but hey… my blog πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ ) I did change some stuff

A woman who loves herself would actually start to work on being more positive. And if it does not come from the inside, getting it from the outsid by Bach remedies would be a good idea. This moaning is soooo boring. But first she would sleep. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit though at work some people referred to it as ‘ridiculous’ that I did not want to eat tiramisu dessert which has some kind of alcohol in it. Not nice. I am happy that I quit, if only because I don’t want to have to do it all over again. πŸ™‚ I am happy that I quit because I feel like my life is now leading me to places where I can learn instead. And I do learn and I do not drink and that intensifies the learning. And the pain. But the pain is optional. ‘Just’ have to learn not to walk that path of preferring self destruction over Life. Life was never meant to suffer. If anything Life is meant to be lived. And from Life comes the wish to learn and proceed, that is just within our genes; look at kids, babies already want to get ahead, do stuff just because it is fun. And somehow when we (i!) become (became) adult this all changed. Then I got sober and the joy came back. Then I got hooked on sugar and the joy disappeard. I know what I should do and somehow I can not seem to let go of the chocolate because it is my friend. πŸ˜‰

Awfull post. Too much moaning. I’m off to bed.

I hope you are happy too that you quit and (un)like me does what a woman who loves herself does.

xx, Feeling