Can’t find a title

Heya, just checking in to let you know I’m still here. And to force myself to sitdown and not Netflix and check out how I am doing. I am back to the place where I do not want to take care of myself. If I check out what a woman who loves herself would do she would jump of the building but I’m guessing that is not the most logical thing to do right now. :-/Β  Disliking the ‘quick fix’ approach of my whole system to this situation. Thinking if I do not ‘fix’ this quick fixing approach to life I will have to repeat that in my next life as well so I might as well do it here and now since it is shitty anyway. Like when you feel down: go do everything you do not like so you don’t have to do those when you feel well. πŸ™‚ So, convinced that I should fix my quick fixing issue and STILL I think I can do that with scraping by and thinking “Well, I now KNOW I do this, why do I have to do the work too?” Effing lazy addict mentality!

Ok, and compassion says? Compassion says that my inability to deal shows how much the situation is influencing me. That I have learned a lot in the last 2 years plus but that the basic tendency ‘run and hide’ is still present. Being sober allows me to recognise that. That is good. I can not be what I am not. I can not leave from a place where I am not. I need to start where I am. Aah, I do not want to be here because I am sad and it hurts. Funny. Now I come to think of it: it hurts because I do not accept how I am, what I feel. It is the resistance that hurts. Not the being me. I am pretty much fine. My expectations and fears make that it hurts. And then I use my boss as a stick to hit the dog to finish myself off. Hmmm. Hmmmm. :-/

And there I jump to telling myself that I should have known this, that I am stupid for not knowing it. Sigh. It is this loop, again and again and again, walking in the same pattern. Insight is good. Need to stay with the insight. My ayahuasca spirit in my head says: “What’s with all the opinions? There is no need.” Staying with what is, no opinion. πŸ™‚

I wrote this paragraph before I wrote the ones above: START: I’m still working, still working at full speed at my job. My boss is being ‘nice’. I had some talks with HR and got an HR person assigned to me. I think she has got my back, however, her boss is assigned to my boss and she is NOT happy with me. They have asked me to push for an official complaint because ‘our hands are tied if you don’t’. Well, I do not think I can. I can just barely survive on what is happening now. I can do my work well, enjoy it, have a laugh here and there. Then I go home, zone out, eat chocolate, cheese and chips, cry and zone out. I right back where I don’t want to ‘do this anymore’. END. Do you read the difference? Amazing.

No matter how Zen or not I am, I have worries about my head. I have been having a headache from the 1st of October to now. It even wakes me up at night. Sometimes it is there, sometimes it is gone. I think it is caused by a heightened bloodpressure pressing down on the concussion ‘wound’ in my head. It is/are the same headache type(s) that I had with the concussion. I can only see my GP next Thursday. I do not want to go to a replacement GP because I do not want to have to explain alcohol things, again. Which I guess is the reason that I am leaving: I have difficulty with maintaining my like and care for myself when I am being bashed every day. I fear my boss treatment of me is too much for me to deal and it is eating away at my wish for being sober. Not that I will drink. But I know that this approach to life and me not dealing sets me on a path where I get selfdestructive and selfdestruction in my life has lead to drinking. I just don’t want to risk is – I have no experience with relapse (expect for 30 years of continuous drinking and continuously thinking I should not drink…. :-/ ) and I would really like to keep it that way. I would not want to ‘honour’ her dark spirit with that. Which is a pretty dark motivation, and sort of a last straw, but as far as motivations go to not drink: if it helps, it helps.

I started writing this not wanting to take care of myself. Now, when ploughing through some issues I find that I should, at least to see if I feel better after. πŸ™‚ I have not done anything but make me some vegetable juice two or three times in order to get rid of my high bloodpressure.

On punishing myself: I was at work, feeling stupid because ‘everything’ is ‘ok’ now. I am guessing my boss had had some talkes with her boss and HR on the contents of my letter of resignation which listed several kinds of verbal, sexual abuse and her feeding me cake with alcohol without my knowledge or consent. I was feeling stupid and guilty and at the moment that I realised what I was going to lose (nice colleages) I went into self destruction mode which immediately made me push over a pile of trays with product; boxes broke and stuff had to be repacked. I felt stupid about that and closed the heavy warehouse door with…. my fingers between the door and the door frame. Including the same finger I had put between that same door and frame 3 months ago :-(. Tip: do not do that. If you want to put your fingers between the door, it is much nicer to do so when you still HAVE a nail on it. 😦  Effing underdog behaviour.

Sigh. Back to compassion? Possibly? So this is how difficult I find it. How difficult I find it to be me, to be locked up inside of this stupid person, this fat body with this stupid face I have. I can’t get out of this without linking back to what I call my ayahuasca spirit which I have to do otherwise this is going nowhere. Otherwise I am going nowhere but into the darkness.

Trying to find that place of awareness inside me. My gosh, these are all just opinions. They have no value whatsoever and still I hang onto them. These opinions of me, of the world, of others, they are like a case, like a castle, they keep me from moving, from developing, from breathing, from loving and living. All this fear which I want to keep out and I use exactly the tools that keeps them in and alife. It is like drinking: alcohol is not a friend, it is a destructive thing. Wow. Epiphany here.

Funny, my feet are cold. It is only now that I notice it and since I do not drink anymore it has been a sign of me not wanting to take care of me. I used to be really proud that I was taking care of me again when putting on socks. Now (right in this moment) the pride is not important anymore, it is just another opinion, an emotion to help people achieve new things, a bio-logical reward emotion. πŸ™‚

I put the disclaimer ‘right in this moment’ in the above paragraph since I know from experience that this state of awareness and just being, opinion free being, is very difficult for me to achieve. And with that worry I am out of it again. πŸ™‚ I am guessing that this is what learning and karma stuff is about; this eternal spiral around an energetically loaded subject, coming closer and closer to the core of the issues, understanding more and more until it gets debunked, untill balance is restored. Wish I could speak with the bookstore man. I have no clue where he is. I am seeing a friend of the store / other customer of him who is recovering from a CVA right now. He does not know where the BSM is either.

Other subject: I have been reading a book on the subject of the surving twin syndrome. I must admit that I can not really remember what I wrote about this before. Well, right now I find it a very good hypothesis of why I became the way I am. And the funny thing, well, not so funny, since the moment I realised that this is most probably my background and the reason why I am so ‘attracted’ to death and why I can spot a dying person so accurately; I do not like to eat meat anymore, and no cheese or eggs either because it brings the vibe of death to me. Since I do not have to keep up the barrier against the pain of what (most likely) happened, the other feelings about eating meat flush right in, unfortunately I had my stomach filled with sirloin at that moment so; blΓ¨gh! Yuck. A death being inside me. Ieeeew! Horrible. How could I?

And yes, I know this must sound strange to, well, 98% of the world? 😦 And I am not sure if I can or will stick with it. I still have a pound of cheese here and I find it disrespectful to throw away and strange to give away. Said the addict. What interests me in this development that with one discovery of accepting the vanishing twin syndrome as the base storyline of my life; SURPRISE! some other issue pops up. It is like when I decided I would quit drinking for life. The SURPRISE thought was; “Well, then I’m not going to dye my hair anymore either.” What?! Huh?! How?! Well, I don’t know, but somehow there is a connection. I am thinking that with acceptance I let down barriers and that makes it possible for me to listen to things I was avoiding / blocking / denying. It is like when my mother died; my father suddenly, on the the spot, realised how he had mistreated her for 40 years. He did not have to keep up the defence anymore and the truth flooded right in. I think this mechanism of the barriers disappearing is the principle for recovering ‘lost memories’. At least, that is how I experience it.

On ‘lost memories’; I have written a post on sexual abuse of my brothers classmate who attacked me in the swimingpool. This week two of the not nice guys at work were speaking on doing such a thing, or such a think happening in their class when they were young. They actually found that it is not good behaviour. And for the rest they did not care a real lot. It was difficult to even stay in my seat during that lunch. Felt like a total freeze coming up, not sure how I kept myself out of that. I find it difficult to deal with my life and the (sexual) abuse I am quitting my job for now the subject of abuse is all over the news with Trump is issues.

I did find several articles / writings which really help me:

On verbal abuse. Which helped me to see how my boss undermines me (and how my family used to communicate. 😦

On this world having a rape culture. Or maybe I should write: on how we in the Western world think we are doing ok but are not, definitely not. And how wpmen are being taught/have learned to blame ‘stuff’ on ourself.

On what consent means, the 5 dollar analogy. This helps me explain stuff to guys simple.

I am happy that I guit. I would never learn the things about awareness as I have just learned them otherwise. Life is difficult currently. I am feeling very alone and some of my friends do not have time to be in contact or maybe do not like to be around me now, I do not know. Up to 2 hours ago I could not blame them for that. Now I feel isolated and alone. I am going to get up and get out of the house, bike in the sunlight. πŸ™‚ Nobody ever got better from sitting behind a screen. Sun and taking care of me = good. πŸ™‚ Nope, no spellcheck.

Wishing you all a very nice sober weekend.

xx, Feeling


Went to an AA meeting

What?! Yes! I went to an AA meeting today. Not sure why. Possibly because I feel another rock-bottom coming up and I don’t want to do stuff alone anymore. Meeting people who have travelled the same road was good. πŸ™‚ I got to introduce myself and say (quite) some words. I was surprised at how normal most of the people looked. Ghegheghe..

I am happy that I but I realise that I am not doing ‘the work’ now since I Netflix and chocolate the day away. I find ‘things’ too difficult to deal but I can’t really not deal because my income is on the line. I still have something between 0 and 16 working days in this month I need to be at work. Talks with HR and my boss have been really heavy. I do however ‘recover’ quicker than I would do if I drank. That is very obvious now. Maybe also because I have found personal closure in this where I realised the other day that the whole issue with my boss is a bitch fight over the guys. Not proud of it, but well, yeah, her getting paid at least 3 times my salary should have kept her from behaving the way she does. It did not. I can not cope. I need to get out. I could have filed a complaint. I do not want to do that (right now) even though she has cost me enough in therapy costs. Filing a complaint would also drag others into this and I just want to get out and focus on the future.

I had a ‘job’ application on Thursday, it went well and since I was the only candidate she informed me that I was ‘most likely in’. And…. the next day she changed her mind. It is not a job but an assignment which I would fulfill from my business side. And the school is looking for people to stay there and actually take up a job. I would appreciate that but also informed her that I cannot live from the currently offered 4 hours divided over 2 days. Which means I HAVE to look for another job. Not sure if it were my surprise at her not understanding this point or something else which threw here off but she now has doubts if I am the one. Food for thought. Well, I am invited for a 2nd interview but the date has not been set.

I am happy that I quit. Happy that I went to a meeting today. Not sure what to do with my face though because I’m so caught up in the sharings that I do not mind my face and that goes from ‘Holy shit’ to ‘Ooh my gosh’ to crying over pain I am reminded of. Can you please tell me how you deal with that? I need to learn to regulate, not? Lifting my eyebrows when people speak of repeated DUI’s might be ‘politically correct’ in ‘normal life’ but not in an AA meeting. :-/

A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. And she would have cleaned the house, not sit around feeling she should have cleaned the house for the whole effing weekend. Sliding, sliding. I don’t want to be aware. I am already overtaxed as it is. Don’t want to feel. Don’t want to realise stuff. Not good. The other day I had a drinking dream. Not sure what it was about. I believe I had forgotten that I do not drink. I have that a lot since is it such a non issue. I believe I even forgot my 2 year 1 month soberversary. Not sure if that is good. I think I must watch myself. The amount of chocolate, still under 1 bar, that I eat makes me cry like a crybaby and depressed. Suicide thoughts popping up like mushrooms in autumn after the eating of chocolate and still I do not stop. Aah ja, because exactly due to the chocolate I feel not worth stopping for. It is SO much like alcohol for my body and mind. I am tired of walking in circles with this but I feel like I have no way out. Oh yeah, that is why I went to the AA meeting; see if that could inspire me.

I am so tired of the difficulties in my life. I feel so lonely going through this on my own. The normy friends I have do not understand having an addictive personality. I am back to not appreciating myself for who and what I am. I feel like again I am leaving a family behind. Well, obviously a family with a ‘mother’ who exactly does not appreciate me for who I am and I take over this projected feeling. Or possibly I project it onto her and she back. Or, well, whatever. I dislike this path in life where again and again I have to leave. It is like being born all over again and again and again and it is not the nice independent, freeing side of getting born I meet currently. I want to get away I want to fly away.

Mwoah, darkness is taking over -> bedtime! Sleep = good. πŸ™‚

Wishing you a nice, preferably sober day / evening / week!

I am happy that I quit. Not liking my life currently and my lack of dealing but sober = better. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

Powerfull add about addiction

This video came to my attention on the internet. I thought you would like to see it too. So simple but it blew me away. (English version now)

Louise Delage is an Instagram personality (if one can be such a ‘thing’) and she got 50.000 something followers in a few months. In almost every photo she is holding a glass of booze. Today the advertising company showed the above film at her page. The full story behind the add is explained here. Addic aide is a French website about addiction and recovery.

I am very happy that I quit. Good things are happening. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

Basically it is a bitch fight over guys.

Well, boss read the letter of resignation and she was pissed off big time. And Monday morning brought 2 people from HR to the workplace and the required a talk with the boss first, then with me and then with the boss. Tuesday they came back and we had a talk with the 4 of us. Guidelines for contact have been set; basically we promised to act normal towards each other till the rest of the time and I am not allowed to disclose the content of my resignation letter.

My boss was angry. Totally out of herself angry. And then she started crying and what I understood from what she said is that she feared that I had set up the guys against her behind her back. This is when it hit me: she is right, I have tried to make myself secure by finding allies. BUT YOU STARTED IT!!!

Yes, that is exactly how childish it is. 😦 Queen bee being scared of her throne and me battling it out with her. And you know, if she would have said “I am sorry that I was mean to you but I feel threatened by you and how the guys like you.” All would have been ok. I understand that. And I would have said: “I am sorry that I got myself dragged into this, I am sorry that I looked for allies instead of talking to you. I had never thought I could. And it took me quite some time to confront you and set boundaries. I am sorry that I have been mean to you and lost sight of your humanity, my humanity. We have lost time in meeting each other. I regret that.”

Aaah, in hindsight: I am sorry that I have let myself be pulled into this. It is informative: now I know how it worked that she started to dislike me and treat me bad since ever I found my footing in the company and started being appreciated by my colleagues. 😦 I am guessing this is a nasty experience I would rather have done differently. Ooh, longing for the time where wisdom comes BEFORE I do something stupid.

So how come I did not see this. I did sense it, but I felt threatened because, well, because she did threaten me. :-/ She should not have. She does not earn at least 3 times my salary to behave like this, which is what I threw at her feet. Practised being angry again, now with HR there, they were impressed. My HR person said: “You two look a lot alike.” I answered that I had been afraid that this would be the outcome. I said: “I never fight, I never argue with people, mostly I am too scared. Now I do. I find that being angry feels better than being sad, I guess that is why a lot of people are so angry.” HR woman said: “Maybe that is why your boss is so angry. She is very sad as well.” “Yes, I noticed.” And then I told her what I wrote above, on the insight I had that we both fear that the other throws us out of the group. She understood. And she understood why I don’t believe the apologies my boss is making now. :-/

So basically it is a bitch fight over guys. πŸ˜‰ Never thought I would make myself lose a job over such a stupid thing. Which does not justify her behaviour. But I was there too.

I am very happy that I quit because otherwise I would not ever have been able to look myself in the eye and come to that enormously silly conclusion. I am happy I did, and, if nothing changes, I will, in the end, explain my insight to her and offer my apologies. Hoping for ubuntu.

It is a strange world.

I have a ‘job application’ tomorrow / interview for taking on an assignment. Wish me luck. I am not feeling lucky but I would really appreciate this assignment.

xx, Feeling