I told somebody

I told somebody that I quit drinking and that I had to. I did not use the word addicted. Who? The store man.

I have been in an emotional rollercoaster with the Schuessler salts and the Louise Hay book breaking open old wounds. Store man calms that down very much. Just by who he is. He shows me that I don’t have to react on impulse. Which is good and very important in my life. And… he actually pointed out something that I was not aware of when I said something not very constructive. No learning experience so good as meeting a guy you want to get to know. 😀 Pfffff….. my luck 😉

So, I came to pick up the second book yesterday and again we stayed in the shop till 3 hours after closing time to talk and drink tea. I told him before that I had gone trough a transformation where I had decided to start to take care of me. And then I told him that not drinking alcohol was a big part of that. He asked: ‘Did you like to drink a lot?’ And I replied: ‘I did not like it but I did drink a lot.’ And that was it. And I am still alive.

He is a special person. We speak about life and development. I do not want to have to hide stuff. After eons of feeling alone in this world I feel like I finally met somebody as alien as I am and getting to know him better and speak about life is good. It is difficult to meet people like me that feel their way through life like I do.

And then….. he triggers stuff that I really can’t use because he uses weed. Which is why I told him that I had to stop drinking. He uses 3 splifs a day in the evening. First time I saw him roll one I asked all about the what and how of making a joint when he did. I guess that explained that I don’t do weed. :-). Third time I met him 2 days later he apologised and asked if I mind if he had one.

I had just had a lesson in the nasty power issue stuff I do so I quickly checked what and where inside and realised: the person that got me to stop drinking was the person that did not judge me. So I said; ‘No.’ Also because I need to check out now what it does to me and when possible, to him. I did see ‘need’, as I used to think I ‘needed’ a beer. Through that I felt my own frequency of addiction trembling again. Earlier that evening he apologised, saying that I should not think he was addicted because he was only using for 2 years, and not a lot.

Sobriety first. I can not meet the store man if his ‘frequency of addiction’ gets mine started again. Am I in love? Not sure. A little I guess. I notice resistance within me and I can’t read the signs. I certainly don’t want to send signs other than like and friendship because I know about the 1 year rule. I think that is a very good rule. I have noticed how I got thrown around inside my body these last 3 days. Funny thing is: my normal physical reaction to a man of interest is not there. So I am a bit confused. Maybe he is really in the friendzone, maybe that is what is unfamiliar. Or maybe I am putting negativity and sadness between me and something beautiful again? I do not know. Let’s see. We are Facebook friends now and he asked me to drop by again and it was not usual courtesy. Let’s see.

Also, he is flat broke, living with his father and not eating kind of flat broke -apart from smoking weed- which…. Which all in all could just be a sign telling me: ‘No matter how much you develop yourself and your strange gifts, you need to get a move on because this is what happens if you do not. ;-)’

So far, I will read it as that and see how things develop. And I start cleaning now. 🙂 Yeah!!!

I am happy that I quit and have learned not to take it for granted because the frequency of addiction is still triggered easily and I got a fright from that. Now I realise that I do not have to follow impulses. Which…. hahaha, is what I learned from the store man by being in his presence and seeing how he spoke with other people.

I need: to get a move on.

I want: to move (NEW!!!)

I take: still the same Schuessler cell salts as I did and something homeopathic that might get rid of the scalloped tongue I have.

Have a nice sober day! Have a nice sober weekend! 🙂

Secrets, secrets

In the series: how is addiction still affecting your life? Episode 12: When I started blogging there I deleted the part where you as a reader can see where I leave comments for other people. I did that because I was ashamed that I was / am online so much.

After reading Goodbye Vodka’s post of today I realised that, with that, I do exactly the same as I did when drinking: not picking up the phone and no Facebook after 2 beers. Hiding because I am ashamed. So I’ve put it back as an experiment. I feel now that I can not make promises here because I do not trust myself in this and I don’t want to have to force me into something I can’t hold on to.

Or is that stupid? Don’t know yet. I need to temper my online time, and I am doing that. Hey! I actually wrote a letter of application this morning! But now I sound like this kid that is trying to make sure he does not have a problem.

Well. Let’s see. And jeeeeeez, this feels awkward and vulnerable.

How is addiction present in my life?

Before watching: the Facebook pages are nice photo’s with inspiring texts and the comments say things like ‘you are so wonderful’, ‘you are so inspirational’ and ‘this is so deep’ etcetera. And then it continuous with a real lousy life. Exactly like I feel today. Trying  to get my life in order and it is not working! AND IT SHOULD WORK TODAY! NOW! 🙂

What happened? I promised the addiction counsellor that I would pick up The Plan again AND do a big part of my admin AND do 1 application and 1 contact for a possible assignment. I am doing it but also getting frustrated with myself. And then somebody through Facebook sends me this vid out of nowhere. Watch and laugh, or cry. Not sure yet… It is a beautifuly, insightful video / sarcastic piece of shit. Not sure either. 🙂

Happy that I quit. If only because otherwise I would still be drinking and have to carry bottles out.

PS: The man being dressed as a women is not an addition to the story (or maybe it is). It is just the format of the series.

Tired

Don’t know what to write, I’m just tired of the events of yesterday and going to bed at 02:00 hours after speaking with my brother for a while. Had a bad dream I can’t really remember, something about odorex poisoning (?) that made me throw up but thanks to the cat; lately she wakes me up when I have  bad dreams by tapping her paw on my arm or face and meowing with concern. She is sooooo sweet.

Yesterday in the morning the nutritionist and I met and I told her about my affair with alcohol and also gave her the address of my blog. And now it becomes funny because I had not realised that I would write about the meeting but she (Hi!!! :-)) would also possibly read it. Hmmmm. No matter, it was a good meeting. What I really like about the approach is that it is holistic; all aspects of life that are important to a human being to function in our society are being looked at. This includes foods but also joy, education, housing, work etc. I’m excited to start. 🙂

Also, we touched on the subject of forgiveness, and where I had been ranting on Dustin John’s blog about ‘I don’t trust people who preach forgiveness and force it upon people, I always wonder what they have got up their sleeve and what they are refusing us to realise.’ – I now finally got an inkling of the feeling and freedom of forgiveness and the energy it sets free. And now looking at my history and personality (and reading back in the blog!) I can suddenly see that there is a lot of resentment in me. People have told me so for years but I always thought I ‘Circumstances justify what I feel.’ With the addition; so sod off. Even my face looks discontent when relaxed. I really dislike that. Not only because it is ugly but also because it is repulsive. Oh, did I tell you I deal in judgements?

On the ranting, I do a lot of that. We had not even touched that subject but I suddenly came to see that just because of the way the nutritionist expresses herself. It just made me wonder what all the shouting and opinions are all about. 🙂 Good. Rest. Not having to blow myself up as a balloon to be seen or heard. Peace.

I got some homework in forms to fill in on my medical background and eating pattern that I need to fill in. Going do that tomorrow.In the afternoon counsellor 2 dropped by at my place. We know each other from about 28 years back. He’s gotten into trouble with alcohol and has gotten himself out too, he’s around day 500. 🙂 A while ago he started a training for addiction counsellor for which he needs guinea pigs. Here I am! :-)We started of with a meal to re-acquaint and continued with the official part. What was really funny that within the scheme of the questioning there also was a place for speaking about the exact opposite of the feelings that are experienced as negative.

So I mentioned feeling disconnected and the next question were; how does that feel AND how would it feel or be to feel not connected.I now also know that I prefer disconnected and lonely and single over connected and with company and being in a relation.

It was freeing to speak with somebody on getting sober. It also made me crave. I am guessing that having to do this on my own makes me vigilant. Speaking with somebody that knows makes me drop my guard et voilà; in come the cravings. Later I noticed that for myself I am VERY strict in condemning alcohol. Not in any second, not one half toe is allowed off the path. Not even in reference to ‘I used to drink and I used to like it.’ This is forbidden by me in my life because alcohol is NOT romantic. It is a drug that ruins and kills, etc. etc. But now I found that I can’t really tell others what to do or think. OK, I know you are not buying that, yes, I did tell. And I did give him a book too. Surprised? 😀

Looking back I maybe should not have done 2 of these types of meetings on one day with my brother coming over as well later for a sleepover because he had been to a concert in the neighbourhood. We had a talk, it was a beginning. But I should be editing here now because now non-professional people who know my brother also might read the blog.

He actually opened with: ‘I feel sorry and guilty that I have not been seeing a lot of people lately, you included’.

‘Whenever I come to your place you are gaming and say that you are too busy to be in contact.’

And he continued: ‘Last time you were at our place I did not feel I was welcome anyhow.’ This was the time where I internally tried to process damage done by friends of his more that 30 years ago and he nicely mentioned that I ‘could make a trauma out of everything’. Yes, let’s not be traumatized by attempted rape and your brother laughing about it. Good idea! Saves us a shitload of worries. Which in itself is true. It’s just, how to get there?

I did not reply, I could not. I am thinking of writing him a letter. Or maybe I should work it through with my therapist first in order to maybe give it a place. And maybe I should not be blogging about my brother now people that he knows also know this blog. Need to edit.

I am tired. Trying to close myself off for possible damage and still keeping an opening for real conversation at the same time is tiring. And the sun is shining outside. I should not be moaning inside but be happy outside. That’s what I am going to do.

I am happy that I quit even though this is the first time that I find it difficult. I want Cola!! I should not have cola because I can not deal with caffeine AND because it is part of my drinking history. Closely linked addiction. I want to drown all the family stuff. I am sad. I miss my brother so much, how it used to be, where we understood each other without speaking and now we ‘talk’, more like ‘discuss’ and he keeps on telling me how I should do stuff and lead my life and change my views. Men and their ways of telling women how to live their lives….. Pfffffff!! Grrrrrrrr. And me, not ever considering that he could be hurt too because he takes this domineering ‘know it all’ position.

Next time I’ll try to speak, maybe start of with saying I would like us to talk more and discuss less. His heart is good.

The sun is out here, going to enjoy that.

Fake for real

I’m getting more and more real and more and more clear and I like that. I always thought I needed alcohol to dampen (is that a word?) my senses but I enjoy this hypersensitivity very much. Yes, sorry for that word, and no, hypersensitivity does NOT mean that I suddenly get all sensitive and polite. I actually found that sensitive people can be very insensitive (moi!) because they (I) block stuff out continuously. Like autism. Well today I did another day of connecting to people and I can really use this newfound skill and way of ‘being’ instead of ‘hiding’. Good :-). It is amazing that the things that I was most scared of upfront work out to be very different from what I imagined. The reality even exceeds what I could have imagined. Good 🙂

On becoming real: a few days ago I bought this memory game, it’s called ‘fake for real’ and I am loving it. It consists of sets of cards of which on has a picture of something fake and the other of the real deal. Friends and I played it yesterday evening and had great fun. If you check out the website you can actually play parts of the game online. When you combine two cards that belong together the website explains why they chose the specific cards. When you finish the game you can play again and it shows different cards. All in all very well done I think.

And I like it also because it trains my brain to be exact and use my memory muscle that has gone weak over the years of alcohol abuse.

Note: the colours are very good in the real game, this is just my scanner that is bad.

In the picture you see:

Michael Jackson as he was and how he would have been if he had not done the surgery and skin bleaching.

Scooby snacks and M&M’s.

A big Mac as it is advertised and how it looks for real.

OJ Simpson in the Newsweek (real colour) and in the Times (skin darkened with the use of Photoshop). I believe both issues came out in the same week and the Time’s version caused some upheaval. Rightly so, rightly so.

No deep thoughts, haven’t done shit but for today that is ok. Not sure why. I guess because of all the crying I did yesterday and the headache from not having glasses. I think I became befriended with my optician today. We spoke for 2 hours on life. I am happy that my sober life enables me to really get in contact with people AND realise that real contact is being appreciated. While before ‘people’ were ‘one block’ of ‘nastyness’ that ‘is against me’. Darkness everywhere. Very lonely. A lot of aggression in me. I assume that it is a projection of my own inner life. And now I take better care of myself, I like the outside world better.

So, happy that I quit. Although sometimes, sometimes I wonder if I could not just, just have 1 beer, ok, just have 2 six-packs and a bottle wine. Or 2, because if you do it you might as well do it ‘good’. Not because I need it, but just because I have shown that I don’t need it. Or so. Sigh. Happy that I quit. Missing some kind of physical reward. Need to look up how this reward issues work in addiction.

Aaahrg!!! Admin!!!

So much for the Facebooklike post. And you want to know why I don’t evolve, well because it is fucking difficult!

‘No you think it is difficult, you have done this before. You can do it.’

‘NOOO, this time it is much more.’

‘Then think how much better you will feel afterwards.’

‘NOOOO!!!!!’

‘Grow up!!!’

‘NOOOOOOOO!!!’

‘All the problems that you have exist simply because you don’t want to grow up. At some level we don’t want to take responsibility.’

‘NOOOOOOO, well, YESSSSSSSSS! I don’t want to grow up!!

Sigh, what about asking for help? The only one that I know is smart in what I am doing is a person that berates me for everything I do so that is very uncomfortable. Or I only choose her so I can exactly not help me. I never know that with me. I don’t like admin because it confronts me with where I am failing. I don’t want to fail, if I fail I don’t have the right to live so I can’t really fail.

‘Is this how you feel about others too?’

‘No!’

‘Why not?’

‘Because failing is human.’

‘So why can others fail and you not?’

‘Because I am a super human.’

‘You are the superhuman and your superpower is not doing admin?’

‘YES!! When I stall and stall and stall (and drink enough) it will go away. I will not feel it.’

My rational brain does know that my reactions are ‘nonsense’ and that I panick into sovereignty or arrogance but also I do not know how to approach this intense fear of failure. My ‘thinking’ goes into panick mode immediately.

Maybe it is like going to the dentist; don’t worry, just do it, it will be over in half an hour. I learned to go to the dentist. It took me about 3 years and a good dentist. I actually am ‘thinking’ of making dentist appointments to get my old metal fillings out right now just to outweigh the fear of admin that I have. If it were somebody elses admin I would just do it, no problem. I can not ‘carry it’, it is too heavy. But it is not! I have done this before. I can do it. There is a part of my brain that does not believe that, it goes into panick mode immediately.

Wondering how I did that with drinking. With drinking I had a rock bottom and that propelled me towards finding solutions. Part of that rock bottom is my meagre financial situation. I need to fix this admin issue if I want to stay sober. Hmmm, that makes a difference. Now there is a big picture and admin is a part of it. People that are afraid of spiders do not realise the size of the animal. I might not realise the size of the admin. Maybe it is smaller?

Did I tell you I may have an outlook on very nice work? I was on a fair yesterday and I got into a really nice conversation with people who were active in my former business. I will follow-up on it on Wednesday. There is a good thing about being sober: I connect better with people. Maybe I should try to maintain that same centering that I do with new people on admin, not jump out into fear. Ha! Ghegheghe… there at least is a way of telling myself how and when I ‘take off’ into panick.

Try 783 on the admin coming up. 🙂

Substitute addiction / time to get a move on

It’s my 2 months sober anniversary! 🙂 And after reading Belle’s post this morning I remembered why I never signed up for a 100 challenge day; I thought I needed to get sober for forever. Yes, ‘looking for help’ was not in my dictionary. But I am going to ask help. If all is well I am meeting somebody next Tuesday – not a professional –  that I hope is going to help me with my eating pattern and daily life.

I do cheat a little on the trusting ‘not a professional’ because she is a vicars wife and she wants to be a professional in her specialisation and I am the guinea pig. 🙂 But I hope she can help me get on with the practical part of life because I still rather read blogs and blog but that will not bring bread to the table….

So… Reading blogs this morning (while I should actually be doing admin) I came to the post from Greg W who reblogged a post about substitute addiction from which I copied this part:

He writes that the addict in recovery “may maintain potentially magical thinking that the Higher Power will fix him or her without engaging in corrective action…and may try to use rituals of connection to a Higher Power as means to escape from painful feelings.”

Some of you might know that I am not religious but I do really like the spiritual-like insights and experiences that I have ever so now and then. I do not only like the Ahaa Erlebnis but also the relatively easy way it gets me to understand stuff. And even though I sometimes have to dig deep and face a lot of shit, it feels like I don’t really have to work for it. Which is I guess, true-ish. For me it is easier to feel my way through stuff and blog about it then, I don’t know… how do you solve issues? I actually don’t know what the other option is. Well maybe this explains it: it is easier for me to ride a craving and experience what it is trying to tell me, where it comes from and where it wants to take me than actually fighting it.

I know I can’t do the fighting. I would be afraid that I would lose I guess. Alcohol is strong. Do I lack willpower? Yes! No! Don’t know… My willpower has just been trained to say ‘I want to drink!’ And that statement feels very willpowery and convincing and real and true. I only realise that my willpower is fooling me when I get to the last check which is: ‘Does is make me drink?’ Yes -> not good, beware. Can I fight it? I don’t think so. And I do not want to try to fight it because I think I will lose. That scares me. Addiction runs deep.

So I need to find something that does work from my sober tool box. Most of the time that is bringing my thoughts, fears, feelings to the light. Which is ok. It has worked so far. Happy that I quit. But I’ve had so many beautiful insights in my addiction that by now I feel that if I don’t get enlightened at least once a day that I am not really alive. New addiction? Yes, it feels like it because I feel I have become dependent on it. And also no because it has transformational qualities in it. True addictions don’t do transformations do they? It feels like those experiences change my mindset, my cells, my DNA, my view on life and I need that.

To which my inner voice says: ‘Stop shitting yourself, you are addicted to life changing experience, you get bored if you do not experience stuff. And when you get bored your addict starts to speak up and you get to the danger zone. In alcohol you found freedom of the physical boundaries and you forgot what you call ‘the misery that binds you to the earth’. You now crave the explosion of inner freedom that is in the Ahaa experiences.’

😦 True. Or 🙂 True!!! So what now? So that is a wonderful insight and because I am experiencing this totally happy feeling about this conversations with me I can not imagine why I need to do anything about it. 😀 Gheghegheghe.

And I wrote the below paragraphs before I got the above conversation with myself, now I just can’t see what I was worried about. I actually am high on experience. Wicked! 😀 While 10 Minutes ago that I was worried and probably should be but I can’t feel it now:

Happy that I quit, not happy with that I am not doing the stuff I need to do. Yesterday I had such a big insight in how I face things that the insight itself gave me a splitting headache and I went back to bed and slept for hours. And I was doing exactly NOT what I should be doing. Which is the same I do now. Again and again and again and again. There is another part where I do not want to be clear. Hiding behind stuff, blog.

Enough thinking, here’s an anniversary song. For all of you that are out there and that are, or ar not on the happy train. Join in, sing along. 🙂

Now that I am reading back what I wrote I realise the intention of not doing stuff and berating me about it. I always seem to need something to keep myself down. (I am thinking ‘attached to the world’?) God forbid I should be genuinely happy and content with myself. Can’t have that now can we?

Yes, we can!! 😀

Say who was not doing what she needed to do???

Shoving it out there

Time. Time. Time. Time is a good concept and I screwed it up within me.

Twerski says people with addictive thinking mess with time (in their heads). I feel it has to do with shoving stuff out of the way. I did the lying, the denial and dodging consequences by changing plans. Plan and results / consequences are measurements of time, they give meaning to time, or? And I did the drinking more to not feel the feeling of doing things wrong. I am still doing it. I don’t want to be crisp and precise, it hurts, it shows me how I am lacking. I don’t like people that are crisp and precise, I feel stupid and guilty around them. I used to be crisp and precise. That was long time ago. Need to get back to that.

I thought I had let go of friends that would support drinking when I would finally quit. But I notice now that I hung on to people that are not precise. And I have let go of people that plan well and really make something of their life. I feel they don’t like me anymore because there is always something wrong with me and there is always a reason why I am not succesful with my own enterprise. I say ‘tired of doing it all by myself’ and ‘depressed’ and those are true, but in fact it was drinking and drinking. Now it is repair and repair.

So, in order to get back on the horse I need to be aware of the shoving and ditch it. (nice… ditching the shoving…) Face what is really happening with me. I am afraid. I can’t. Tried a little yesterday. It was horrible. The guilt is unbearable, don’t even dare to go there. GP1 said: ‘So the shame about your addiction prevents you from doing something about it. That is not very logical….’ So I quit, it took a while from there on but I kept that thought with me along the way. I feel what I do now is the same stuff but I can’t work it out. Can’t get my brain around it while it feels like it is right in front of me. Aah, I need to repair and get a healthy concept of time again but the guilt I feel over messing this up keeps me from getting healthy. There you are. 🙂

I think by now. well, by yesterday, I was hoping I had build me a bypass by happiness. I just quit and left the guilt and the feeling bad about the shoving for what it is. Guilt is not usefull, but it is there, and it needs to go, or be transformed, or what do you do with guilt? Because it shapes my actions and thoughts in a bad way.

Time to let go of the free floating structure of The Plan and make it precise. See what happens and what comes on the road. Am I ready to do that? I would be delighted to be able to do it. But I am not looking forward to the work that goes into being precise and not doing the shoving. Feel I need to read the Tibetan book of living and dying again. To me that is about feeling my way through choices. No. Trap 1: No other subject. Trap 2: No reading. Doing.

Addicted to deep experience

Yesterday I felt normal. Today I think I am bored. I had forgotten about this thing, to me it feels like an addiction thing where boredom and being normal is absolutely unbearable.

I am not bored. No I am not bored, I am stalling so thoroughly that I close myself up for every feeling just to make sure that guilt does not enter my premises. There are things I need to do, like The Plan and extra stuff. I know (?) that The Plan is The Step to the Next Level. Hmmm, thinking error: it should not be Next Level, it should be organic, all around, carried from within, not walking stairs in nothingness to a Next Level. So this implies that I am waiting for The Next Level to happen while actually it is not about the next level, it is about the transformation I undergo while doing The Work of following The Plan.

So today I am stalling because there are things I need to do that I do not want to do AND I certainly don’t want to feel how bad I feel about that.

Just did an exercise in feeling how it would be to not have that feeling of guilt lurking at my doors. There’s a hint: walls disappear and I tumble forward into nothingness. Down the rabbit hole into timeless nothingness. No direction. It is like floating on my own through the Universe, without the stars and planets. It is that feeling where you are in nature and look at a starry sky and the moon. This overwhelmingly big awareness of being. Where you realise the magnificence of it all and feel both intense loneliness and intensely connected.

And now internalize the feeling of connectedness, do not direct it at the universe or a higher power, keep it within and around you. Keep breathing.

Take out the stars and the moon, the earth and everything and everybody on it but stay with the feeling that was within and around. And breathe…..

So that’s where I go if I don’t put up walls of dislike and apprehension. I think I’d better sit with it. Watch the grass grow. Otherwise I keep on running and hindering myself by throwing up unnecessary walls.

Time to do stuff.

What does it take to start living?

I have quit drinking, I have no cravings but I still have the idea that I am somewhat ‘in repair’. But the fog is gone. Finally, that only went with quitting sugar for 100%. It is funny how I can know stuff and still not act upon it AND be surprised that if I do, it actually works. Do you recognise that? No, not in me, in you. I feel (? realise?) it is connected to the ‘doing the same stuff over and over again and expecting different results’. But that saying never hit home in me. I don’t understand it. Which makes me curious because that mainly means that I block something. :-D. I guess I’ll find out with the ‘Addictive thinking’ book.

Also gone are 5Kg, have not lost any extra in the last week but I am guessing that is because I eat more often in order to prevent my sugar from dropping. I am HOPING of course that it is because my fat is turning into muscles because of the excercise I do. (Drea-ea-ea-ea-eaeaeaeam, dream, dream, dream, dream, drea-ea-ea-ea-eaeaeaeam).

Another physical change: the whites of my eyes have gone white in stead of yellowish white with red. I still have a little red but that comes from dry eyes. And my A4 paper shakiness test is good now 🙂 Yeah!! The red colour of my hands has gone as well, the tops of my fingers are still a little red.

My breasts have dropped half a size and 3cm and they have gone soft now, it is not the bloated right in your face I’ll shoot you if you say something I don’t like kind of war gear anymore. But that is good, and ok at my age. My face, neck and decoltage are not bloated anymore. I really like that, like I’m coming back to life from behind the fog. Everything more defined, more clear. 🙂 That’s what I want. To become clear.

And now I need to start doing stuff.

NB: Have you filled in the poll on hangovers in my former post? Please do! It is anonymous btw.