This Week’s Recovery 2.0 Video — Nikki Myers on Codependency

Well, that what is in the header and the invite to the February Recovery 2.0 programm. Enjoy!

Source: This Week’s Recovery 2.0 Video — Nikki Myers on Codependency

 

I am happy that I quit. 🙂 Doing what a woman who loves herself does, a lot of the time. 🙂 Not all of the time yet, but slowly getting there.

The job did not happen, the other candidate was more versatile and had some extra papers I don’t. But if that were not so, they would have chosen me – so they say. I had a premonition of this, obviously I am never sure if that is a verbed fear or a real premonition. 🙂 But I am VERY happy to have done this because the preparation and, well the whole process of applying for the job has been a good experience. I connected back with my competence and that = good.

I’m off for another day at ‘the office’. Wish me luck, my boss is really after me since I asked for a copy of my contract (which she should have given 3 months ago!) and she’s hovering over me ALL the time. Having found back my competence seems to have set her off. She is constantly making sex jokes, like that I run a adult webcame thing at night, or that I am in love with one of the guys, that he is in love with me and blaaahdiblaahdiblaahdiblaaah. That I flirt with the guys. I don’t. There is not a cell, not a thought, not an intention going awry. It is totally in her mind. 😦 Hard to ‘fight’ and, with the webcame thing, hard to ignore or ‘let go’. 😦 I’m think I’m going to say something about it when it happens again.

Have a good weekend!

xx, Feeling

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I think I’m done

I think I’m done with the bookstore man. I hope. I gues. The other day I realised/felt through how indeed I use him as a transfer addiction. Bad day at ‘the office’? -> visit the bookstore man. It felt like another way of not being in the moment and refusing to feel what is really going on. I knew that with my mind obviously, but now I realise it and feel how and when I do it and it is uncomfortable. So whenever my mind wants to escape I stop it. I have not done the thing I did with alcohol is where I would sit and try to figure out how come and why now and what was really going on but the stopping to escape has been there for like something like 10 days now? So that looks consistent. I am not going to put pressure on it because, hmm, dunno, because I feel I can’t and because I think to know that if I put pressure on it I will condemn myself if it does not work and I will swing the other way. Balance, balance, balance.

So what happened? Haha, obviously I did not come up with this myself however hard I would like that to be true. 😀 ‘There is this thing about addiction and behaviour: if the person does not set boundaries, eventually the world will.’ You may quote me on that. Gheghegheghe. So yes, I was at the receiveing end of his fury again. He’s got a replace person in the shop and I walked in in a totally changed shop, the whole atmosphere was different, one of hope and new beginnings and this thought popped into my head: ‘My work is done here.’ I stayed a little to enjoy the atmosphere and to let go of what kept me there. Customers walking in and out and actually buying stuff. That was so NEW, I really enjoyed sitting there and taking it all in.

20 Minutes later, when they were discussing pricing. I mentioned something which I thought was totally innocent (in hindside it actually was) and the replace person started saying ‘Breathe in, breathe out’ to the bsm as if what I said was totally offensive – it was not. So they seem to have bonded over their inability to keep people out of their own boundaries and then lash out. Nice. 😦 Obviously I was huffy too and replied the same thing with a little more force and with a remark that any other way of pricing would be double work. Content was normal, tone was not. Any other day the bsm would be happy with my comment but it was not any other day because he had a friend now and he unleashed.

At that moment it became so obvious that he only befriends me when he’s got no options left. Wow! Well, clear. And yes, painful. I closed my heart before the severity of his accusations could reach it so that was OK, don’t know where I would have been if I had not. There are advantages to having a wall around my heart. 🙂 So what next? I found a book on a Jungian explanation of the Epocalypse, and having had a father who smashed us over the head with all of that I thought an insight in the psychological side of it would be a good idea. So I actually BOUGHT a book. Lately I have been receiving books as gift. This time the bsm was stone cold (not that he needs to be, I mean a gift is a gift and that is something TOTALLY different from somebody picking up a book and wanting it) and I paid for it. I felt; this is a conclusive action. Also I thought: ‘I want to pay for this because I do not think there is anything I would want from you anymore.’

And…. I obviously still have some books from him which I need to return. 😦 My current intention is to read them, bring them back and finish our contact so I can politely throw him of my Facebook account as well. That is my intention. And if I do that I will have dealt with it in an adult way instead of being angry and unfriending him without even a conversation.

Last night I dreamed my parents got divorced. They never did, I have always thought it would have been better. My mother left with her suitcases and half of the house and left my dad a long, long note in which she said she had enough. I was shocked to actually see it happening but later I realised that if she wanted to turn her cancer around and would do what a woman who loves herself would do, she needed to go. I spent the rest of the dream speaking with my brother and father on several subjects but not wanting to be the one to tell them she had left. They did not know yet. The setting of the dream was all strange. Like there was a rift in stuff and energy and boxes and tables and everything was all over the place, stacked, floating. Strange colours too, brown, orange, turquois. So many layers in time and space. But this might have just been a memory of an impressive photograph I had seen a few days ago. Not sure. The rift felt clear and pure.

Hahaha, I got to writing the above paragraph because otherwise I would forget and I thought it was important because it has, feeling wise, rewritten my personal history. By living in this option of divorce I realised what a REAL GOOD idea it would have been. Yes, sorry for all those who think marriages are for always. Marriages are, abusive relations are not. Psychological and physical abuse needs to be stopped and usually it is not the one abusing who will decide to do so. However, when writing the paragraph I had no idea where the dream came from. Now, when reading the bsm story and the dream in one row I think: how can I not know? 😀

I am happy that I quit. I also think I need to speed up my return to the world a little. I have been without refined sugar for about 10 days now or so. I need to improve my sleeping, I still wake up like 5 times a night and my focus. Next to that I need to run now because I have a job application in 2 hours. Teaching job. Yesterday, while reading Phoenix post on Do I dee servto be happy?   I was visisted by my todler self and she was VERY EXCITED about the job because teaching is all she wanted to do. It really sparked me up, I had forgotten about it. I have always tought and enjoyed and yes, I get sparks from it but I had forgotten about the inner spark. Hope I can keep that during the interview. 🙂

Wwawwlhd? She would get offline and prepare!

Bye!

xx, Feeling

Trying to do admin

Trying to do admin, need to hand in my VAT over 2015 within a week. It sucks. After yesterdays post I have tried to accept that this life is real and this is what it is and that it will not ‘all get better suddenly after I magically lose weight, get another job, find the love of my life’. Whaaaaaaaaaaaa! Very much experiencing this well, what I call ‘human prison’. Can’t breathe. Go do something I like.

Ghegheghe, it is 2 hours later, I have been doing a little bit of cleaning, I found out that some net is streaming Little House on the Prairy again, I looked at the mail and advert for the job interview I have this Wednesday and finally, finally… I called my admin guy about the VAT over 2015. He says ‘You did not have any revenues? Well, we’ll that is simple then, you don’t have to do your VAT now.’ BWAHAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Time and time again I find that in sobriety things are different than I expect them to be. All this fear I hoarded for at least a week is now aimlessly running around in my body, crashing in all places, only to get up again and start running. Whoa!

So, I am happy that I quit. 😀 And now having quit refined sugar for about 10 days or so has been very revealing too. It makes me realise why I do (wanted to write ‘drink’) eat it. This mortal coil seems a bit too harsh for my liking. Not sure if this is caused by the world or me not (yet?) being able to deal with it.

And, as you probably notice in sobriety too: when I stop forcing Life, Life starts to come to me. This time in a job application I did not do anything for, I got hunted. 🙂 Double pay, 3 days. But…. teaching at medium level to kids of 16 to max 22 in a 4 year eduction which on the side of technique is the watered down version of what I have done and on the other hand more commercial.

I don’t want to leave where I work. I have dropped a proposal for a new product line I would like to set up and manage and my boss was enthousiastic and so was the creative chef – he was over the moon happy. I would really, really like to become responsible for this project. But then the boss mood shifted and she started yelling and talking me down again. I checked with my co-workers whether they think I am slow, they just laughed and said ‘The only thing I (we) still can’t believe is that you are so intelligent and still buy that nonsense!’.

I have discovered something weird. My boss works with targets. Her biggest costs are salaries and she wants us to work harder. When I work harder I get paid less and when I get paid less, she gets paid more.

Now I don’t want to go to that place where I go sabotage my work as I start to see others doing… but I do need to find a way to deal with it internally because, for the firm that I work for who says to be ‘sustainable’ and ‘eco-friendly’ and ‘social’ this is a VERY BIG strange fact. 😦 If you have any clues on how to deal with it, please let me know. I don’t want to turn bitter over it but it is still stirring things up inside. I don’t want to go into hate mode. I’m starting to like her too, she has difficult sides but I’m, well, sort of getting used to that and learning to see her good sides too. And looking at the financial situation, well… I’m actually wondering if I would be so mild in some occasions. :-/

I don’t think I would have ever thought about it when the money I receive is enough to keep me afloat in my current house with current expenses. And I want to do some extra health thingies that my insurance doesn’t cover so yeah. And, well, if my current jeans wears out and my current 2 t-shirts wear down I don’t have anything to wear but a jeans skirt with the same shirts and a way too fancy dress. So, yeah, money would be nice. But I’m still not cutting down on food and other thingies. Not buying (a lot) of second hand books anymore though. I really, really sit down to browse through them and read pages and not only the cover. Yes, yes, I know that is not enough to keep me afloat. But ooh, this confrontation with real life and boundaries.

I’m thinking if I don’t set boundaries by myself, the outer world is going to do it. That is soooo painful and shameful. Guessing this is where ego is a good thing to have (hi to friend I discussed this with yesterday 🙂 ).

The sun is shining, I’m going outside. Hope you have a nice day/evening! And I don’t feel like doing the whole list because that would make me miss the sun. Sun = good. Sun = base of all Life. I go worship :-).

xx, Feeling

This is what it is

Conversation with me this morning in bed.

How do I feel actually? Aah tired, not well nourished, yes, chips are definitely not a good evening meal. Hmmmm. Wwawwlhd? She would get out of bed, drink warm water, have a shower, wash the work stench out of her hair and have a nice breakfast. Ok. But why do I feel so dissatisfied, so, unhappy, so alone? Why is that one of the basice feelings I carry around? Hmmm, maybe I should pray, maybe I should let all these thoughts and feelings out. See if I can find a higher power whom I trust in.

“Hi, are you out there?”

“Yes.”

“Aaah.”

“Can you help me? I can’t carry this anymore, can you?”

“You know how it is: I can show you the way, you have to do the work yourself.”

“Pffff… Ok. 😦 Can you tell me why I feel like this? Always, looking, searching, finding a lot but it always seems like Life is just out of reach. I am tired. I am alone. I feel like I do something substantial very wrong. Like I don’t understand basic stuff. What is it?”

“You do not want to accept that this is it.”

“FUCK!!!!!!”

Every second in my life I am waiting for something to happen later, next, not now. In the future, where I am fantastic and not plagued by the issues that keep me stuck to the rules of the earth. The need to transcende being human. The arrogance within it. But worse than arrogance is the total misunderstanding of Life. Life is not what I should, would like, need or will become. Life is what I am, here and now. Oooh FUCK!

thetruthwillsetyoufree

 

How to continue?

Ever so now and then the statistics of this blog have a big peak where it looks like one person is reading all the posts over several days. I do not know who you are but: ‘Hello! And thank you for showing an interest. :-)’. So it was in the first few days of this new year. Which made me wonder what my first posts were like anyhow. I started this blog because I know writing helps me to explore what is going on. I thought I would need that. Yes yes, there are a lot of people who have this beautiful intention to help others with their posts, and yes, I would be happy if my musings and rambling would help even one of you at one moment. But it is not what I set out to do because I also think to know that starting being sober and immediately going out to help people is a trap. Dunno why. I guess it has to do with divided attention. And haha, I’m still too selfish I guess, or not, or sometimes. Dunno.

Well, anyhow, my first posts are cute, some of them arrogant and angry, most of them with what I see as this wild, wild need to explore myself, Life and the world and haha, you won’t believe it but my firsts post were: SHORT! :-D. Yes! REALLY!  Really, really. 🙂

It has taken me a few days and a shit load of chocolate to come back to an emotional balance again but here I am after reading this post. It is called ‘Things I want to change.’ And it mentions a whole list of things (power issues, grieve, addiction, financial instability) I listed in my blog 15 months ago because I wanted to change these when getting sober. I feel now/ felt non of it has. That ‘realisation’ send me in a downward spiral that took me till now to be able to write about.

It is not true, I know that, but it feels true.

One thing that got me back to writing is reading this article from Sadhguru in which he says:

For your own system, the most important transition periods are the moment you fall asleep and the moment you wake up. In this transition, there is a little gap.

I knew that there was importance there :-), discovered it last week and wrote about it in my former post writing:

And for something even more totally different: I realise more and more that my awareness takes my inner world as serious as the outer world. So when I am in a paddock while dreaming, my awareness takes that seriously. While I ‘know’ that I am or was just (?) dreaming. That switch at waking up where from one second I’m in a paddock and the other I’m in bed. I find it very fascinating. It feels like there is some learning to be done in that process of that shift of perception. Let’s see.

You know, I’m so scared of things, my finances, life and everything that I’m trying to brag here on ‘important’ discoveries to get by. My landlord is ‘harrassing’ (nope, just mailing and calling) to get his last 2 or 3 or more, dunno months of rent. I’m going to sit with my SIL this weekend to sort it out.

If I could do my job 100% of the time I think I would just earn enough to get by. But I can’t work 100% yet. And in this job I think it will be very difficult because they do not have a weekend – not 2 days in a row that it is closed. They have a Sunday closure and a weekday closure, which is obviously not the Monday. 😦 With the intensity of this job, my intensity possibly too :-), I can not (yes?) work 100% because I need a 2 day rest period. So that makes it that I can only work 4 days now. Means that I need to look for another extra day somewhere else or start up my business again. But there is NOTHING igniting or calling. Still all doors of the future are closed, I can not see in the future. I am blinded, I guess by fear or by transferred (sugar and bookstore man) addiction.

And about this bookstore man addiction; did anybody notice that the abbreviation of bookstore man is bsm meaning bondage and sado-masochism? That his name, translated to another language means ‘hurt/pain’. That whenever he touches me physically he unintentionally (?) hurts me? I mean, all the signs are there, and still…

At the time I realised I was really addicted to alcohol I got involved with a guy who’s name translated into ‘liver’. 😀 No, not shitting you. It’s a strange world. And hahah, things like that make me think it evolves around me and there is something in that attitude waking up in me too. It seems…. that the world does NOT evolve around me. Fucking painful subject obviously because I feel like I’m falling through the world again and again and again and again; into this big black hole where Nature or The Universe or back to the neither rewards nor punishments, just consequences are informing me to change my ways. You know what? I’m tired of doing it ‘all’ by myself.

youniverse

I’m thinking that Life itself will show me how to behave because if I keep on being anti-social and distrustful of others I will end up alone -> that forces me to change.

quote-in-nature-there-are-neither-rewards-nor-punishment-there-are-consequences-robert-green-ingersoll-283891

By now all of my daily, weekly, monthly friends know that I had an issue with drinking except for 2. Only 1 reads my blog, some know that I have one. One of these 2 not in the know I will inform, the other I think not. All of these people have been caring and forthcoming and have offered me support if I would be in need. I am thankful for that. Am I? Nope, just saying, hmmm :-(. I feel like I’m in this time where I am doing a split when it comes to trusting: one foot is on the non trusting side and the other is wanting to cross the canyon but I’m still scared. The ‘apprehension’ has the same qualities as loving somebody without holding back. Something tells me / I am scared that both are Very Dangerous concepts. Not sure how other people deal with it, and I find it difficult to discuss because apart from the bookstore man and a friend (hi!) I know, nobody seems to be very aware of their own attitude / behaviour / feelings / actions / blocks / what have you. ‘Everybody’ is so easy when saying ‘I trust him completely’

Development by tea label says: ‘Happiness comes from contentment’. Yeah, well thank you! I currently have nothing to be content about so how can I be happy?!!! Which….. obviously is exactly the problem. 😦 One: before I learn that happiness and well, call it ‘peace’ are actions which follow contentment and stillness I have to continue to develop and have progress because I am not happy without progress. And currently I feel I am standing still because I do not want to deal with finance, sugar and bsm addiction.

For later: In order to get away from feeling miserable I just did an online test. It concerned a tale of the Wolf in sheep’s clothing. It ended up including the bookstore’s name in several of the words in the story. I think what I am misunderstanding is that he and I have some issues to sort out but that I want to romantisize the relation. Today I have decided that I am determined to not let go of him. But that working out how I can unaddict and actually do what I came for might not be a pretty story. One day last year I had this insight, this thought which just fell into my head. I think he and I have met to sort out: addiction, male/female things, communication and ‘what to do with our lives’. Just shitty I combine the first two and it is keeping me from sorting out the other ones.

My second real name means ‘rock’. The other day when I woke up I was able to step into the meaning of that name, finding within my own rock-bottom qualities. Harsh, harsh, but comforting in a cruel way because there is nothing as solid as rock-bottom. And now I am sitting here wondering if I have, in me, a romantic notion to leave the world behind and sit in that place of nothingness where I do understand life.

I am happy that I quit, I guess. Just not enjoying life today. Too much difficult stuff I’m not looking forward too. One day I’ll search my blogs and work out if any of these ups and downs are hormonal without me knowing it, or maybe finance related without me expecting that to influence me so badly. Dunno. I need to meditate, I have the feeling the answer is in the meditating but I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to work out another layer of care. I’m tired of having to care. I want things to be easy. Well, easier. And yes, I know I should not complain, at least 80% of the world is worse of than I am. Or not. Don’t know.

Watching Doctor Who, season 2, episode 6 ‘Rise of the Cybermen’. At some point Rose starts to speak to her (parallel world) mom in order to save the marriage of her (parallel world) parents. This big sob escaped me and I started crying, not even knowing why. Well, yes, now I know obviously; remembering how desperately I tried to save my parents marriage at what, age 12 to, well until I realised that she was better of without him. And right from there on she would not think of leaving him. Not sure it was linked but the family dynamics in this are interesting. Can’t even tell you the reason she gave me for that. 😦 Not that she needed a reason obviously. I just (?) asked why she had hung on for all the years.

Wwawwlhd: shut the computer, read, drink tea and go to bed. 🙂 Do some shoulder practice. Shoulder is going well, better every day since I took some liver cleaning pills and some Shuessler salts after going to the dentis. And why oh why do I not continue this? It is so typical. Self care is hard and I do not want to have to care all the time. But why is that so difficult. Why is it not nice for me to care? Because it takes effort. But why does it take effort? Should there not be well, some internal natural process which causes us to care for ourselves? I meet all kinds of obstacles when trying to care for myself well. I can only do it if the results of not caring would lead to say drinking or illness which would keep me from working. ‘Normal’ illness like my shoulder, which I am sure could have been fixed months ago, is not important enough. Why do I insist on punishing myself? I’m guessing that is what I think I should be doing. And if I don’t I’ll be punished. Making room and time for me can be done on my own but not kept up in public or with people around me or when I am mentally living in a ‘place’ where I think people judge me. So if I meet people during the day who I think judge me and find me lacking I will take the home and not care for me. Hmmmm. Well. Good to know. Not feeling the effect of this knowledge though. What is wrong with me?

I take: forgetting Ayurvedic pills, I guess I’m totally letting go of discipline suddenly, outside work. Hmmm. Where does that come from?

I want: things to be easy obviously. And again and again I’m thinking of the bookstore man’s reply to that which was something like ‘do you really?’

On discipline: very well at work, not doing anything at home, even difficult to get a real meal in. And I keep on forgetting about wwawwlhd.

On anxiety: still think my hair has thinned out but I found some very old Ayurvedic Neem lotion from when my mother had a chemo so I’m applying that now and notice an immediate cut back in daily hair loss. Good good. 🙂

I guess the whole point is: where, when and why have I stopped caring for myself? Here I sit again with cold feet all day. Why not put on some extra sock? Warm slippers? Why not brush my teeth even though they hurt from sugar intake. Why the sugar intake anyhow? Ooh, the ayurvedic doctor says I try to balance out the sweetness, miss the real sweetness of life in love an relation and therefor take the substitute. Well yes! Can he normalise me, make me grow up and find me a good guy too? Sorry. :-(, that is childish. Just feeling frustrated with being me. Tired of being me. Guess I need to start to take care of myself so I can enjoy life more. Where did the fun go? The intense realisations and ‘Ahaa Erlebnissen’?

Bwaaah, this is a stupid moaning post. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

Hope you are having a good sober day/evening or whatever you are having around the world. If you are reading this and have never left a comment I very much invite you to do so now. Or another time :-). Let me know if you (still?) drink, are sober, have plans to become sober.

No spell check, don’t feel like it.

xx, Feeling

Clashing patterns

Wow! I/We did something wonderful! The friend (hi!) I did not spend Christmas with and I spoke about what had happened. That was a very intense but clarifying (phone) conversation. Works out that both of us were playing out our patterns simultaneously. As a result we both spend a miserable lonely Christmas because we did not speak our minds, stepped into a ‘You see, they don’t love me’ pattern and it went downhill from there.

The conversation left me at peace and partially shattered from realising how strong these destructive patterns are. But it was good. I’m thinking the dust still needs to settle a little inside me because the concept of showing the dark parts of my heart after feeling hurt is still new. BUT I DID IT!!!! Yeah!

Whenever I feel mistreated by somebody I either tell them straight away or… when things really touch the soft places I go into hiding and disconnect immediately. I am pretty good at disconnecting. From one second to the other I decided never to see my father again and I (almost) never looked back. I am…. starting to see that this is a little bit strange. I guess this ‘skill’ of disconnecting did help me with alcohol. So it is not all bad, but still, it needs looking into.

The book ‘Puer Aeternus’ which covers the depth psychological aspects of people with the ‘Forever Young’ or ‘Peter Pan’ complex says exactly this about the PA; cutting off relations with the easy of turning of a tab. They add that the PA does not fully address issues in a relation and then ‘just’ cuts it off in an overdose of decision-making hormones. Well, I am glad this has worked for me with alcohol. I think start to understand that it is not how I want to deal with people. I want to be clear while dealing with people, no hidden agenda’s or corrupt intentions, so I do not want to leave people in the dark on how I am. (Might need to work out how this does not work at the workspace yet.)

I do realise this disconnecting thing might sound very autistic to some (most?) (ALL?!) of you. When I read it back it reads so lonely to me, so, like I do not only remove that which hurts from my environment but also cut off me. And I had never realised that. Yes, yes, and again that is a very self-centred argumentation. So, food for thought and feel.

Work is getting serious. I’ve visited the dentist and he stuffed me with this painkiller and blegh, even after 4 days my jaw is still stiff and painful from the treatment. I start to dislike dentists for a whole different reason; being disrespectful. I knew I was walking in the ‘wrong’ ‘stream’ but lying in that chair informed me of that very well. The dentist started off with saying: “I will start now, if you experience anything or want to stop for whatever reason, does not have to be big, just raise your left hand and I will stop immediately, no questions asked.”

So he started and at some point I raised my hand because something he did hurt unnecessarily in a place where I was not anaesthetised and he growled; “Not now, I’m busy.” I felt 4, 8, 12 years old all over again. Patterns, patterns, patters. 😦

Just another reason extra to deal with my chocolate addiction. Well, back to work: my head is vague because of the things I was thinking of and because of the painkiller. So I made some mistakes that were, well, pretty stupid. One of the guys, he’s the youngest and ‘lowest in rank’ in his henhouse version of the company tried taking it out on me. That was uncomfortable.

I had this awful feeling like he thought he could throw me about because I am the newest and I’m guessing me being female has something to do with it. He’s one of the guys with 1 wife and a girlfriend. Luckily I knew very well what to say to him and did not get skitterish even though he kept on trying to push me about. The other day he pushed me away from a new job somebody was teaching me and he send me on a stupid cleaning job because I ‘was too slow and he would fix it all in no time’. Works out the next day that he only did half of the to do list leaving his colleagues’ to have to fetch things in a hurry to catch up. Yes, well, that is how I can do stuff quickly too. 😦

It seems that things are entering a new phase and politics are becoming important. It is funny to notice how the atmosphere of the work floor changes with people being present or absent. Every team combination has its own feel and work speed and issues. Unbalance or even the tiniest discord in the team, which is present, spoken or silent, causes mistakes and slows down the process. A workload of say a 1000 pieces can be done easily and in no time by the one team and takes 1 extra hour and a lot of effort in the other team. So no, I’m not bored yet. 🙂 And I will be working 4 days a week from now on with one series of 3 days in a row. See how that turns out.

Yesterday I went to see the bookstore man. He’s very much in love with this ideal women and I got uncomfortable listening to it. Not so much because he was confiding in me (making things clear?) but because I notice that me being in love with him corrupts me. The other week I noticed that I backed away from speaking my heart and mind because I did not want to inform him that I was still in love with him. Yesterday I did not want to have that in the way anymore so I told him that I was, at times, still very much in love with him. He was sort of surprised, or polite enough to act surprised, not sure. He asked “But is it not very difficult for you to listen to me speaking about X?” I replied that being happy for him and sad for me are different things. This, at that moment was true. Looking back I’m thinking ‘I should get a medal for that martyr dom.’ (insert derisive swearword) 😦  And…. because I don’t want to sound (or be?) jealous, I do not speak my mind and tell him about transfer addiction and how falling in love with him worked as another ‘go to’ place when booze was absent. I realise now that if we would have been friends I would have informed him of that. I would also inform him of the signs I see in her behaviour that makes me think he has, again, found himself another abusive, men-eating witch.

So yes, I am corrupted and I do not like it. I’m thinking of writing it all out. See where it ends up. I want to get on with my life, get that part back that is trying to deal with this while not actually dealing with it. I also told him that being in love for me did not feel like ‘voluntary’ and that I knew very well that, apart from him not being interested, I ‘can not afford him.’ We also spoke about friendship, he mentioned friendship. I blurted “I do not experience friendship from you, what we have has been very one-sided from the start.” At which he replied that he felt he could not open up because he knew I was in love with him. Fair enough.

So what do I want? I want this being in love, this desire to be elsewhere with somebody else, to not be me in my own miserable life… Ha, I wanted to write that I want this being in love to go away but if that means dealing with my own misery… Not sure if I can. Thinking finances immediately.

The other day the bookstore man said that I was the only one who had not deserted him. Yes, yes, he has some connection to pitying himself. But well, everybody is allowed to feel sorry for themselves, it’s just not very attractive to live there but for the rest it is all ok to me. For those who do not understand this, because feeling sorry for yourself is a BIG taboo: it is about projection. If I can not stand the other to feel sorry for themselves it means that I have issues with my own moaning underdog and project the fear and anger that it builds onto the other. However, I got a medal for martyrdom but it was only a bronze one so ha, he should not overdo it. 😉

And I was not sure how I felt about it. I felt corrupt because being in love is not about him, it is about me and in that I am just another so many-est person in the list of people who want a piece of him. He is surrounded by energetic vultures, no wonder he is so tired. And no wonder he smokes. And no wonder he can not set any boundaries. 😦 All this I would explain him, confirm his thoughts and feelings of being sucked dry by some people but I have become corrupt and would need to say that I feel I should be in that list too because I too want a part of him. And please don’t take that the wrong way.

And next, well, I don’t want to think into the future because that is not there but if I were to: I would want him to quit smoking. So actually I say: I like you, but not as you are dealing with your life right now. But I’m thinking I would have received that differently at those times.

I’m on the verge of needing to make a choice for myself. Let go of the one and step into the new. Let go of the non constructive, evasive addiction called being in love and step into the next level of reality. Oooh shit I so don’t want to go there. Next level reality is getting my finances in order. Again. And I feel I can’t. Shit it scares me. For me finances symbolise the incarnation in the world, the realisation I can die, the really being a grown up, the ‘party time is over’ feeling. Wild horses could not drag me there.

It must be very unsatisfying to be a psychiatrist, or to even read this post as a reader. Hoping I would FINALLY get the point, stop with boring you with bsm posts. 😦 Thing is, I don’t dare to do my finances, it builds so much anxiety in me that I go look for the release valve and this is called bsm. Not DMT, MDMA, C2H6O,  C12H22O11 or LSD, just the bsm. 😦

And then there is this thought ‘I can’t do my finances. I can’t do my finances. I am an utter failure. I am an utter failure because I can’t do my finances.’ But NOWHERE in this destructive self talk there is even a hint of an option that could whisper ‘Why not ask your SIL to help you again?’

Well, obviously there was because otherwise I could not think of it now but yes, I keep on thinking that I need to do things alone, partially because I feel so ashamed about not being able to deal that I don’t dare to ask for help. And partially because the other day I hinted at my SIL that I was not looking forward to dealing with stuff and she answered ‘But we drew up that Excel sheet, did we not?’ As if that was the most logical thing to do; be scared of finances for 40 years and learn to deal with this overwhelming, killing fear in one afternoon drawing up a sheet?

And… back to feeling stupid. ‘We drew up the sheet and I still can not deal. :-(‘. What’s keeping me from just telling her that I can not? I feel ashamed and there is something else. I do not want to step down. I would feel humiliated. So that would be pride, not? Dutch swear with diseases. The most appropriate reply to this attitude would be ‘well, you choke on it.’ and leave people be. Let them sink until they need to call for help.

The weather is beautiful here. Which really worries me because nature starts to think it is spring and it is not. Winter still needs to come. 😦 But I think I should set aside my confusion over the weather and go outside, catch some sunlight.

I am happy that I quit. I’m not at all there where I think I should be but (insert swear word) I would be sooooo lost, well, not alive if I had kept on drinking. The other day I was wondering: I keep on walking around in this ‘ooh difficult this, ooh, hard that, oooh, can’t do such and the bsm still does not see the light shine out of my ass, aah, bothersome…’ But when I do my awareness practice, like go to that inside place where emotions are ‘things flying’ and ‘information’ instead of overwhelming then nothing is particularly wrong and I wonder why I do not focus more on happy things. I mean, sooooo typical that Kali would be the first of the gods to drop by. Why not Eros, Kamadeva or Ganesha ? And no, I don’t just list these out of the top of my head. Looking for a god? Use Wikipedia.

Maybe, maybe I should go back to being really happy that I quit instead of I-am-sort-of-getting-used-to-having-quit-right-now-type-of-happy.

Ooh, I did not celebrate NY eve, did not feel like going to parties. Guess this is the one party I do not like sober. Not so much because I want to drink, more because I would like others to drink less and take better care. Also, I had invited the bookstore man, who had left it pending but both he and I did not feel like continuing that invite after I had spoken about being in love. It just did not feel good; I would not know how to deal. My home has become a sanctuary where I can go and leave the world behind. Restore from difficult work/bsm days. I am happy that I quit because had I not I would have sobbed and moaned and drunk like crazy and feel real bad today. 🙂 And now I am just a tiny little bit further into discovering how to let go of love addiction.

There is nothing wrong with love. There is a whole lot wrong with seeing the other as a solution, as a ‘fix me’ thing. I don’t want that for myself, I don’t want the other to have to have that function. It is not clean and it corrupts me and makes communication unclear. I don’t want that.

I have learned one thing from addiction, gheghe, I was thinking of a big statement but if I were to say one thing about addiction here it is: Addiction is not good.

Wwawwlhd? She would take a shower, get dressed, stop pushing herself to be something she can not be, ask for help, go catch some sun, write the bsm a letter in order to find out if there is more information about what keeps me hooked in an imagined contact with him. Start meditating and read instead of Netflix. Ooh (insert swear word), just discovered Dr Who. Haha, don’t even want to finish this post now with being reminded of that.

3 Things: first, the bookstore man, for teach me all these things and being mild. He actually said he was honoured that I was in love with him. And without using a comma or a point continued to say that he was not in love with me. That is ok. I would be in all kinds of trouble if he was. Second: I dreamt of meeting two women, a mother and daughter. NEW! No asshole twenty something guy despising me but two wise women! 🙂 They were sitting at a ‘wall’, a sort of heightened area between two meadows with trees. They were meditating in the shades of trees and having a good time. I joined (NEW!) and we spoke, they were very much at peace and I enquired after their practice. They informed me that becoming aware had changed their life and hahah, that if I had difficulty with that, I could set my egg-timer to remind me. 🙂 ❤

Ok, had a shower, cried my eyes out. My heart hurts but I don’t know how to stop it. There is something I don’t understand but I don’t know what. Called upon Kali to destruct all the addictive ties to the bsm but I guess that is not how it works. Or maybe it is and I just have to sit with it a little longer. ‘I can only show you what is. You have to do the work yourself.’

I realised that my idea of relation includes ‘being safe’, ‘feeling that I belong’, ‘feeling valued’ and ‘being loved’. And I wondered why I can not experience that in the life I have now? Why does it have to be exclusive? Why does it have to come from the outside? Why does it have to be a man who I can ‘have for myself’? The more I discover about myself, the less satisfied, for lack of another word, I am with a lot of the friendship relations I am in. Specifically when I am in a mode as I am today, trying to sort things out. There are only a few people I can speak with heart to heart on the strange, difficult aspects of life and development in sobriety. The bookstore man is one of them. So sorting this out and not ruining what could be a good friendship with infatuation is important but I think I don’t want to learn what I have to learn. I don’t want to experience the NO. I want to have unlimited access to what I think I need.

Hmmm, I wonder what Melanie Klein has to say about that :-D. Babies, children, feel unsafe when the mother is not around; they want and expect unlimited access. When the mother is unable to provide or refuses that the child needs to deal with that as being denied that what keeps him/her alive. I’m walking the same path so somehow he is what makes me feel alive. No wonder I don’t want to give up. I used to feel that alcohol was what made it possible for me to ‘do life’.

Thinking about this, if I were somebody else reading this post I would be fascinated with how these concepts or, possibly the ‘I am not the only one person in the world’ realisation and hearing ‘NO’ and addiction combine together. And how trying to fix things from the outside continues to be a go to place even when alcohol is not present anymore. How this addictive personality just sidesteps the development of the soul and haha, takes on another addiction. You! Save! Me! Imagine the place I would be in if he had said yes. Ghegheghe…. oooh, so not good. Which is another, well, rather selfish reason, to appreciate his company. I learn how I deal with Man. Not very constructive. Rather ego centric. Very much one sided. Not taking the other into account. Reactionary. Well. Sorry. Again. 😦 I should meditate on it. Writing does not do the trick anymore. Or maybe you have a tip on where I am stuck in this and how to deal?

On discipline: good, still developing, workspace is a good learning place, specifically because I don’t have a position of any importance so I can’t really ‘go’ any other place or make up stuff that makes me not do what I need to do.

Something NEW I did notice; I do not have imaginary conversations in my head anymore with people. Not the ‘I should have said this and then he would have said that and next time I see them I will say … blablabla’ I’m guessing it has been gone for a long long time now. I can remember thinking about it in early, early sobriety where practicing not to jump into the future and be scared that I could not drink there and then was important. So I also stopped jumping into the future with conversations too. I only realised that when I overheard 2 teenagers standing in line at a bus stop.

And for something even more totally different: I realise more and more that my awareness takes my inner world as serious as the outer world. So when I am in a paddock while dreaming, my awareness takes that seriously. While I ‘know’ that I am or was just (?) dreaming. That switch at waking up where from one second I’m in a paddock and the other I’m in bed. I find it very fascinating. It feels like there is some learning to be done in that process of that shift of perception. Let’s see.

I want: to sort things out. To have a lot of time between now and dying to learn to deal with life.

I take: Ayurvedic pills very irregularly. Some Schuessler salts to deal with the tooth ache I have since the dentist ‘fixed’ it. It’s not helping, or maybe it is and maybe the pain would be worse otherwise. My boss laughed at me for taking some stuff during lunchtime. But another colleague has been absent for 3 days because he went to the dentist and got a real bad cold out of the blue directly afterwards.

Wishing you all a beautiful and sober 2016, may the cravings be gone, may brutal honesty save you from deception, may continuous self-care help you through the dark patches, may love of self develop, may you learn how to recognise transferred addictions, may you learn to ask for help and trust people, may the addictive personality be dissolved nicely, may there be people on your path to help you, may you continue to learn how Life works and may the Universe smile at you. ❤

xx, Feeling