Just don’t get them mixed up…

yoga

I’m happy that I quit.

I want to: organise myself, so no better day than…. tomorrow πŸ˜€

I need to: sleep.

I take: Haha! Read through the booklet and have been taking the 12 Schuessler salts while doing Falun Dafa. The twitching in my eyes disappeared immediately. Yes, and with these 12 salts that I’m officially off the grid – or so… I’ll be back to normal one of these days, opening up 12 pots 3 times a day does get boring but they actually make me feel great. And indeed the acidity of my urine (did you want to know that?) is related to the salt intake so I guess I’m alkalizing – which is what they say some salts do, so….

Tomorrow is the new Plan day, it starts of with Falun Dafa lessons. πŸ™‚ I’m really noticing the energy it brings. And checking out the interwebs on pro’s and con’s about it. Jeeeeeeez, I made this huge blunder today, I believe it got lost in translation but I met the Falun Dafa lady for the first time and was already irritated a little because of my own tardiness and arriving EXACTLY on time, which is 10 minutes too late if you going to a group event for a first time. There was nobody there so I got the full explanation of the followers of Falun Dafa being imprisoned by the Chinese government. My teacher Mrs. W. has 15 relatives in prison for practising this simplified form of Qi Gong (Tai Chi like yoga stuff, but don’t tell them I said that). The story got really dark and I was too late to close the door to my emotions so I suddenly got overwhelmed with the sorrow and misery of an immense magnitude. Me not having paid attention to my ‘intake’ (?) irritated me and I was very happy when she started speaking about the health effects of the exercises. She and her family had not been ill for 18 years since they started doing the discipline. That is great because medical care in China is soooooo expensive that you are really %$@!! if something happens so, good on her. πŸ™‚ And then she continued with mention the organ harvest the Chinese government does on ‘convicted’ people who practise Falun Dafa and I just had had too much misery at once and turned to being an ass to deal with it. Somehow I thought that laughing all this misery away was a good thing so I said: ‘Well, the are very healthy organs so they’ve got a point there….’

Pffffff….. 😦 😦 😦 Not good. I was lucky to (think to) notice that my remark was so quickly spoken that she did not really follow.

I’m going to sleep. Let this day be over.

Have a good sober week! πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

Job contract on the way – psychological changes.

Well, 2 days ago I heard that I could expect a job contract for a year for a part-time function of 20 hours. It is so strange that I could not even write about it. It needed to settle first :-). It’s not all done yet, still need to receive, sign and return the contract but still… I’ve got THE mail on the ok.

There are a few things about the job that could prove to be difficult but I don’t feel like going into that now. It’s useless to spend energy on worrying unless I can actually do something about the situation and then I should. NEW!

The ‘ok’ brings some immediate changes with it. So funny how the weight of things suddenly changes with this. Blogworld: not important (sorry!), recovery – huh?Β  Nothing wrong with me. NEW! I need to keep an eye on that one because I don’t want to run into a situation where I forget how important it actually is but I like the ‘nothing wrong with me’, that is comfortable.

About 12 years back I quit drinking when I was unemployed because I felt uncomfortable with drinking suddenly. I was not that heavily into drinking then but did feel I was overdoing it and actually started seeing that I could be addicted. Looking back I was in denial. I was sober for about 3 months or so, I did not make it a big issue and did not pay attention to anything apart from noticing that my yoga suddenly went WAY better. I got a job and started drinking again. I could never land in the job which had to do with my state of mind at the time but looking back it had to do with drinking too. Later I heard that they had 6 people on that position in 2 years and that I had been there 6 months so I was actually one of the longer lasting but still… Shit I hated that place for its bad atmosphere and the effect that had on me. I felt like a total failure and I drank to forget it. Walking into some darkness of denial here. I got fired after I had been on a very boozy Sunday evening which I thought, with my drunken brain, would work out all right but it all fell wrong (MAJOR DENIAL) and well, I don’t know. Jeeez this is uncomfortable. I am actually leaving stuff out here because I feel too ashamed to write about it.

I drank a bottle of wine and about a six-pack. I had never in my life done that before. SPECIFICALLY not on an evening before a workday. That monday I had to take some decisions that I could not focus on and did not understand because I could not get the group of people who would supply me with the info to focus – obviously because I was off. At the end of the day I had a talk with my boss on the results of the meeting and I explained that I had not worked it out yet. Feeling like an absolute loser. She came down on me hard and I teared up saying that I had difficulty with the job, that I should be able to do it blindfolded, standing on one leg but that I somehow could not get into the matter. Which was the case.

I did not tell her that I drank my brains away every weekend and would normally have redesigned the whole process in my spare time to get to know it intimately but I well, ‘preferred’ to drink it all away. Not sure if she guessed or smelled an issue, it was end of the day but it’s the stuff that got me fired. Officially because they replanned the whole department. I felt it a little different. Did I quit? No, I started drinking more and deciding, again, that I would never drink before a working day. Then I became a freelance consultant and worked out my own working days. See the trap?

Why is this coming up now? I guess that’s how it works. Memories get processed when something similar happens.

I’m going to need all my wits upon me for this new job. Not sure how and when to celebrate. I have this absolute belief that things should not be celebrated upfront.

Another change: for 2 nights now I have almost slept through the entire night. NEW! The cat is going crazy, trying to demolish the furniture and running around my head but I don’t wake up easily anymore so I’m half asleep, turn over and just can’t be bothered. NEW!! I find these little changes so amazing. She has been with me for 4 or 5 years now. I have NEVER slept through the night, specifically not if she was throwing a tantrum. Now I am finally doing what I think I should be and that obviously gives me the right to sleep and let the cat have her tantrum without me being bothered. When I was not doing what I should be doing I felt bad about myself and would feel I needed to answer her and be nice – because I was stupid. It is funny how all of these funny connections are now showing up. If you would have asked me upfront I would never have thought that lack of self-esteem was urging me to listen to my cat at night.

Other change: a while back I bought a Tarot cards deck to help develop my intuition. It is my believe that oracles like I-Tjing and Tarot connect with me easily and often gives results that help me out. I ‘use’ these as tools to get insight in a situation where I have difficulty dealing and where I feel I have a blind spot that I don’t want to see and is hindering me. My set has 78 cards, I have pulled about 30 cards up to now. I have gotten 1 card 7 TIMES in a row. Do I shuffle my deck? Yes, of course I do :-/. The card is called ‘Fear’ and it is the seven of cups. Funny that I now read online that the 7 of cups means something totally different in other decks. There it refers to ‘overindulgence’ and temptation – I have that too momentarily where I do 10 things at the same time never finish one. Need to look into that. Also this would be THE card for addicts to learn that they are addicted. Hmmm. Not sure how to interpreted it now. I’ll go with the fear explanation for now.

When I freed myself from the prison of alcohol I had a goal and the goal is becoming clear. That includes not drinking, rigorous honesty, cleaning up my house, sorting out feelings, being clear to other people, not hiding myself in too many words (hmmm, that is not working yet). I thought that would be a good goal. Ooh, it includes not being addicted to alcohol or other stuff, still doing some other stuff like procrastinating though.

Well…. I thought, since I guessed my intuition and awareness of my feelings or what have you, is pretty strong, I thought I could feel myself back into a healthy, clear life. I thought my feelings for what is good and what is not should be my guide. I have this build in sense of justice and righteousness and the arrogance to believe what I say is right. πŸ˜€

In the beginning I followed everything that felt good; cold feet? Put socks on. Uncomfortable? Take a bath. Tired: sleep. I did everything to the detail. And I guess that was good. About 2 months ago I started to notice that I had other feelings too that kept on screaming at me. Not sure now at this moment if my awareness of my feelings is really strong because my denial is pretty strong too. Possibly I need the denial not to be overwhelmed by the feelings. Or possibly the feelings would not have to scream if I would not deny them. :-/ Obviously there is something going on in that department. If somebody else would write this I would say: she’s scared shitless. Which is what I am I guess. It’s in all my cells.

Well, I noticed the ‘bad’ feelings, the disliking me because I had not cleaned or paid bills. I started to realise that these feelings too were ‘information’ just as the ‘good’ feelings. Today… after pulling out the Fear card for the 7th time I realised that I accept that all my feelings are information – apart from fear. Fear needs to go. The book said that fear shows where the obstacles are that need looking into = information. So….. that’s what I’m going to plan, look at my fear. NEW!!!! And I’ll be procrastinating from there onwards I guess. πŸ˜€

I am happy that I quit. None of this would be happening if I had not. I am sort of proud about the job and part of me wonders if I should not have put up a harder fight on some stuff in the contract. Pfffff, don’t want to go there. NEW! I want this job for the content, because it part-time and because I magically got it and it feels funny to ask for something from the universe, actually get it and then turn around and spit the universe in the face by denying the opportunity. And also, I need the money and I just don’t want to look for another job because it makes me feel bad and I don’t want to deal with it. Feeling wise that sounds like bad motivation to me, it feels like denial too, but I’ll go with it. Also, I mean, in this time in my line of work, having not worked for a boss being accepted for the first letter I send out – that is strange to say the least. My intuition says: Big growth developments when you manage to keep afloat. We shall see. πŸ™‚ I’ll do my utmost best to make it a meaningful experience and deliver excellent work. And if I can not do the job or can not deal with the tough cooky boss to the point where it is dangerous for me – I will leave.

I need: to get a little more organised and clean the house and buy some clothes. I have somehow lost one of the 2 t-shirts that still fit me How? Don’t know! I think I left it at a friends. Things like that happening put me back in the guilt – shame feelings I had when drinking and losing stuff.Β  But I can’t wear the same dress to work every day now can I? So new clothes it is. Not liking it because I had planned in my head that I would have lost weight before I started buying new clothes. I have, but not enough in my opinion.

I want: somebody to give me their wardrobe because they have outgrown it. That would be cool. I dislike shopping for clothes because I am very precise in fit and colour and model and material and….. dislike that I do not look good anymore. It is difficult but I still have not found my path to the skinny land. I’m going with making sure I get as much healthy stuff in me that actually feed my body so I don’t get cravings.

I take: chocolate. Which, when I put it out here…. does not really align with eating healthy. It is eco though, and 72%…. (chocolate denial, chocolate denial…)

I wish you a nice weekend. Thank you for reading through another way too long post.

xx, Feeling

Physical and psychological changes

Hi! I’m 6 and a half month sober now and here is another list of things that I notice with getting sober that I actually attribute to not drinking for a longer time. So the natural recovery of the body and mind.

– What worries me is that my addiction to sugar is actually growing, I thought I would just let it go so there would automatically be a turning point somewhere but that did not come and there are so many interesting books to read that I did not yet start in the no sugar book. I need to start thinking about this because I feel after my ‘clean eating’ diet for a little more than a week I am now starting to put on weight due to chocolate. Still eco chocolate and currently 71% but…. :-/

– My blood pressure seems to be normal. I have not been to the GP lately. I do not notice changes when I drink tea with licorice in it so I guess I am ok. I did notice changes last when I unknowingly drank a few sips of green tea. Also yesterday I ate these baked sandwiches with loads of cheese and they set my heart pumping like crazy. That was weird.

– I wrote about changes in my attitude towards sex some posts ago. That was an all time low I guess if I check out the ‘likes’ I got so I guess I won’t go there again :-D.

– In between I have used several different Schuessler tissue calts – a sort of mineral pills which are a little different from the standard ones because they actually have very little content and the idea is that you take up the minerals through the skin in your mouth so they go straight in the bloodstream and bypass the food canal. This is helpful when you have food canal problems. :-). Currently I am taking a break from them because I noticed that some ‘complaints’ are leaving but others are getting popping up. So now I wonder whether the uptake of one salt causes, due to chemical reactions and balance and what have you, to lower. I will be looking into that. Currently I have an eyelid that is ‘ticking’

– Tapping: I have listened to the tapping conference and have used it for minor things and of course ‘winning the lottery’.Β  I have only done any of the subjects once so I am not really noticing change in my behavior I guess but I do notice that my body is relaxing on deeper levels and I sleep better. However, I do not dare to depend on it too much, it still seems like voodoo to me – also because I can’t really feel the tapping points. Or in other words, the points that I feel actually respond to the tapping are not exactly there were the Ortner family said they are. So…. another point to look into. Currently I like the technique as a way to get to know my fears better. They do float to the surface once I get into the process of ‘no matter…… I love and accept myself’ and immediately something inside me says: ‘Pffff, NOOOOO WAY!!! You first have to clean the dishes!!!!’ Blablablabla… so I get to know that negative voice intimately. Sometimes I fall for it and sometimes I look at it and feel like it is not part of me anymore. But it is, it is. Ha, can’t let go of negativity too quickly, it feels like home. :-/

– Falun dafa: I’ve been practising Falun dafa now for several days for about 15 to 20 minutes a day. I do think it helps me. Somehow my lower back pain that was in the background before lowering my blood pressure but immediately popped up after that, has risen to the foreground fully and is now again leaving. I think it is psychosomatic but I don’t know what it is telling me. Well, I actually think… that I think that I need to start living if I don’t have it. So….. I also think / fear I would be free floating into vagueness and anything-alternative-ufo-style-magic-unicorn-solution-to-living if I did not have it. So…. πŸ™‚ I guess there is a good reason to have it.Β  I don’t have it when I do something interesting. That is interesting in it self. πŸ™‚ Mind-body connections are so interesting.

– I sleep better. FINALLY! That started about 6 months into sobriety and I guess it has to do with 3 things: 1 being invited for the job interview and 2, making to do lists that I could actually finish, 3 going to bed on a reasonable time and waking up with an alarm 8 to 8 1/2 hours later. I’m still keeping that up, no problem. Sometimes I wake up at 8:00, but I’m trying to get to 5:00 or 6:00. Just because I like it and I remember from earlier in my life that I have been most productive in the time that I did that. It does take some planning with food etc.

I fall asleep within 1 to 3 minutes and wake up once or twice a night but mostly that is caused by the cat. We have this routine, she wakes me up, I go to the toilet and pet her. Not sure if she wakes me up to go to the toilet or to pet her. Sometimes I actually thinks she is taking care of me by waking me up. If I forget to feed her before I go to bed she might wake me up a second time. Anyhow, when I wake up now I do not really wake up like I used to, I am in this half slumber mode. NEW!

I have started dreaming again. Amazing dreams. Loads of mythology and beautiful incomprehensible stories which I forget as soon as I wake up. Bummer. I don’t care. Sleep is important and I am happy that it is still improving. When I got sober I thought that getting into dreaming would be my major hobby when sober but the most work goes into actually sleeping :-). Sleeping well is important specifically for people in recovery (I hate that word) because I read once that those who can’t sleep seem to relapse. But that had to do with catching sleep. I can fall asleep easily, it is when I wake up I get in trouble.

Maybe I party a little too early about the job. Today the owner was pissed off with me because I wanted something that we had discussed in writing and added to the contract. Now she changed her mind and is denying me what she allowed earlier. She’s a tough cooky and I’m not playing her well because I am not a player :-(. We shall see where time leads us.

– I do have a big fear that I do not speak about: my breast have sagged loads of centimeters by now, as have other tissues over my body, which is ok. But I can feel so many lumps in my breast that I am sometimes scared to even touch them. But I guess I would be tired and skinny if I had anything serious. And I know that I would not be able to sustain my sobriety yet if I went for research so I’m not going. You please don’t worry, I am guessing it has to do with tissue from my breasts starting to well, become older and loose firmness because I don’t get all that phyto-estrogens from the beer and wine anymore. So I finally feel what other, normal, women have felt all their life.

– Liver pain, still experiencing some liver pain so now and then. Do you have that? Still?

Hmmm, this post is usually about the good stuff? Now I’m all complaining? Hmmm. Good stuff:

I have given up believing that I can do things by forcing myself to. NEW! Which gives me a lot of room to either let go (NEW!!) or actually do them (NEW!!!). I also know that I need to indeed delete half of my to-do list for a day and be happy if the things are all done at the end. NEW!

I have grown in professional confidence (NEW!!!) and there is a sense of longing to work and getting started again returning. NEW!!!!! Disclaimer: not sure how much of this newly found confidence will still be there when the job does work.

I am still having trouble trying to focus on stuff but it is not coming to the point where I get really irritatedΒ  NEW!!! with my behavior so I actually turn stuff like Facebook and mail off to do other stuff.

NEW also is my now firm, believe that unwelcome feelings have a message too. I have come to believe that feelings can guide us to stay on a track that is natural. That is, when the feelings have developed naturally which is not the case when we have trauma’s or so. Or in other words: feelings that I experience as painful are now guides to changing stuff. That does not happen overnight because it means that I need to look into the darkness and actually CHANGE stuff but the thought is there. I think it is a sustainable thought.

NEW is also my ‘ability’ to let go of irritation and not get wound up in traffic e.g.

NEW is also the growing concept of ‘this too shall pass’. I do not anymore believe that every bad feeling will stay forever. I was not even aware of the fact that I have that. It is funny because that is a concept that humans are supposed to learn after their first year of life. Babies have no concept of time and literally think everything lasts forever. 😦 So, at age 45 I’m starting to learn that it might be possible that things shall pass. πŸ™‚ NEW!!

NEW is also the concept of not having to be engulfed in emotions. I can put emotions aside. I have practised to do so because I had a meeting with the store man and did not want to take my problems into the store because he is so absolutely sensitive. Just flooding my anger through the shop would feel impolite. So I curbed it. And that actually worked. So now I ‘just’ need to learn to do this for myself as well.

NEW is the idea that negativity attracts negativity so I try not to speak or think bad of other people (yeah, not working). Specifically not since I saw the Donna Eden video on YouTube where a women on stage lost her energy because people were staring her down. Ooooh, nasty. On the negativity, which has been a subject all my life: I now get the Tarot cards ‘Fear’ and ‘Negativity’ alternating. Sigh…. And then, when I got fed up with it and asked for a solution it said: ‘Love’. And then I hear myself speaking to the cards; ‘Well, easy for you to say, you don’t have to live this life….’. πŸ™‚ Haven’t learned it yet. πŸ˜‰

NEW is the idea that I am now leaving an important part of my addicted life behind and preparing myself for society again. I guess that has to do with having to present myself for the job applications.

NEW is getting irritated with my weight. Not sad and with shame but in a way that could stimulate action. NO PROMISES. πŸ™‚ I still have problems with making promises, thinking I might not be able to live up to them. That is something that needs looking into in due time.

NEW is the cat staring above my head and around me as she has never done. So I guess my aura (?) is changing. She has always been pretty to herself and I really like to keep it clear that she is a cat and not a replacement for a baby. She likes licking her butt and I don’t. Different. Clear. But lately she is more interested in being with me. I think it is because the way I feel to her. I am a little more relaxed.

NEW is that I sometimes can align with my memory of my spirit / divine spark. It feels like meditating and letting go of all the things that I felt before give me identity, thoughts, ego things and pain. They are not there in those moments – or I have not recognised them. I am different there. Enjoying it because that is how I assume I need to be but sometimes I get called back by suddenly experiencing vulnerability. I guess I am experiencing here what it is to be human, starting to separate the divine within and without from the human within, without. Not sure how to put that. I should get some schooling somehow, learn to call it like (I want it to be) it is.

NEW is that I am starting to look into some character traits of mine that I guess are related to addiction. The one that pops up mostly is ‘megalomania’. There is no business idea that I have without wanting it to ‘go global’ and ‘immediately’. I am starting to notice this when it happens.

NEW: I spoke with my bowels as part of a tapping on diarrhea. They actually answered that they race my food out of my body because they expect it to hurt because it has been hurting for so many years now. And then I told them that I had seriously stopped drinking and that they do not have to expect alcohol to come in again. They did not believe me at first, they were pretty spooked but then they turned happy. I have been on the border of constipation ever since. πŸ™‚ Oooh, I sooooo would not want to be my doctor. πŸ˜€ And I am sooooo happy that I do not have anything serious that actually involves speaking with a doctor who I would be trying to explain all of this. πŸ˜€ Gheghegheghe…. impossible. πŸ™‚

On that topic of vagueness: my right foot is hurting in different places. No idea why and the pain wanders.

NEW: the idea that I have with money is not the getting of it, it is the keeping of it. I need to look into that. Brrrrrr..

I am happy that I quit and every day for new reasons that add up to the old reasons. To some this ‘happy that I quit’ might sound stupid or just something I say but I will tell you: whenever I write that down I am THANKFUL BIG TIME to myself – yes I put myself here first, to GP1 who showed me the way and all other people, including you! who have made this possible.

I want: to sleep.

I need: to sleep

I take: Bach rescue remedy once or twice a day against flairs of fear overwhelming me because of things ‘I might have done wrong in the contract negotiations… blablabla…’

Have a good evening, night, day. πŸ™‚ Thanks for reading my post.

xx, Feeling

Self care

I have written this post a few days ago but it was so painful that I could not post it. I’m fine now πŸ™‚ but I would still like to put it out here. Just as to document my travels.

A few days I had a clash with one of the workers in a house in the street. They had thrown stuff of mine from the communal garden out in the trash and it was gone. The stuff was there with ok from the neighbours and everybody used it. Speaking with him about it was an awful experience. I got there and the guy that opened the door was already laughing at me, as in really at me, in a nasty way, like really looking down on me. I enquired after my stuff and he said he had been informed by his colleagues that I was not happy about it. The short conversation was really uncomfortable. He kept on trying to steer the conversation so we would clash. Looking for a fight. It felt like he was looking forward to be able to yell and be aggressive and give me a piece of his mind.

He scared me by being so undependable – is that the word? And even though I should be the one that is angry I was to scared to actually get more angry than I was. And with that, I sort of took my own petty revenge by not giving him what he wanted; arguing. Hmmm… It was a sad exchange and I felt very sad. And when this was going on it somehow gave me that the immediate ‘right’ (?) to not take care of me. I’ll change over to the present now otherwise I have to rewrite the whole piece. Hmmmm, I notice I can’t even read it. So I’ll skip to the end.

I’m writing this, I did eat but not shower, door is open to air, I’m wearing a bathrobe and being stone cold and sad, I haven’t opened my curtains while it is halfway through the afternoon. I am feeling horrible and vulnerable and ridiculed and doubting if I can ever hold on to something what so ever. All kinds of behaviour and happenings suddenly get dragged up as if all connected to a piece of rope and they all say: Ridicule! Shame! Useless! Worthless!!! Broken! Shun it! Throw it away! No right to exist!!!

My mind is running around to try and find something that will repair my loss of ‘worth’, loss of my right to live. Trying to push away the feelings of having lost my footing, the confusion, the shame. This exchange of energy between people, it is so overwhelming now I get to be more aware of it. The feelings of self-destruction are so familiar but yet from so long ago (6 months πŸ˜‰ ).

Yesterday I was so angry that I tried to killed him in a 1000 ways in my brain and every time just before he really got killed I stopped my wishful thinking because I thought it is not a good thing to do. And also because I felt is not good to the universe and to me because I was distracted with being angry while biking. I’m sure any psychiatrist can make a lot of this trying and not getting there. Today I did not feel guilty about that and I still fantasy-killed him. Sort of survival of the fittest idea. Apart for the thing where I still feel like I have lost and I have no value whatsoever.

I did go out and meet the store man and 2 of his friends yesterday and it was a very good meeting with all sorts of beautiful conversations, learning opportunities and friendships building. And it still does not add up. Might be that I totally forgot the time and when we walked out it was 01:00 in stead of 22:00 as I would have thought. Disturbing. I did not drink enough water and was so tired that I did not brush my teeth so this morning I woke up feeling like I had a hangover. That was strange, and set my feelings of to an all times low before I even realised what was going on. So happy I don’t drink anymore, pffffff, I would have had that every morning.

It took me 2 days to come out of the above mode of feeling down. Very nasty. I realise that somehow I accelerate some bad feelings into destruction mode but I have not found out how it works. Even when I got back from the panicky anger fantasies to realising how scared I was of this unreasonable man, I was still very, very scared. And yes: I tried the ‘people can only take what you give them’ quote-o-sophy on my situation. Didn’t work, could not get there because he made it very clear that he could do whatever he wanted. Or maybe thΓ‘t is the extrapolation of feelings that I do where things spin out of ‘normal’? Pffff, want to get away from this feeling.

I am happy that I quit drinking. I realise that when I would have been drinking I would have really filled up for a few days ‘just’ to ‘wash the experience away’. Now I had to deal with feeling vulnerable, helpless, deserted and scared and continuing to live with that.

I need: to get on with living.

I want: things to be easy, and nasty people to die instantly. Jeeez, how old am I? I guess I want to be able to deal with this. Any tips?

I take: nothing, yes, Bach rescue remedy against stress for the job application. And I do Falun dafa. It’s a sort of Tai Chi but easier and it is forbidden in China so it must be good. πŸ˜€ The first time I tried I actually created so much energy that my printer, that is disconnected from my computer and has not been used in 2 weeks suddenly started up by itself. Ieeeeeekhs! (Or maybe it was all a coincidence… you never know, they promise supernatural abilities. ‘Who are you and what are your powers?’ ‘I am Feeling! The auto-printer-start-up-women!’) So I’m going to join a group of Falun dafa people, just to make sure I do not turn out as some sorcerer’s apprentice. πŸ˜‰

As if we weren’t done yet with all the conferences …. :-D

But luckily they call this a Β΄summitΒ΄ πŸ™‚ Free online mindful eating conference….. Click to link.

I am happy that I quit.

I need: to sleep.

I want: to sleep

I take: aaah, I smelled a natural nettle oil today and it left an immense impression; it was about letting go and I starting yawning instantly and could not stop for 15 minutes. The skin of my body turned red and I cried and could not stop. So much to let go off. Pfffff..

Pffff, sleep. Sleep is good. πŸ™‚

Have a nice weekend!

 

On intimacy and sex

Ha, I was curious as to why I was so enthusiastic about Esther Nicholson from the tapping conference yesterday. And… then I checked out the OTHER interview. Dealing with me going in denial here – but I DID listen to Alina Frank and Craig Weiner on Learning to Love: Healing the Legacy of Trauma to Create Physical and Emotional Intimacy.

It was difficult to hear. I go into freezing at the moment people speak about freezing. Thoughts of things that happened have been I don’t know, driven to the background more and more. They were very present before I quit drinking and the anger stayed on for a few months and then, I don’t know, my direction of thought and feeling changed and it was not important anymore for me at these times.

During my last 6 months I have made some discoveries about childhood and youth, will, issues. I discovered that I had this sense of foreboding in, as far as I can remember, every situation that I ever got harassed. As far as I can remember ‘harassment’ never came ‘out of the blue’ – not at age 18, not at age 4. But that doesn’t make it easierΒ  to deal with because now I go from thinking I am stupid and bad because this happened to me to actually feeling responsible. And I KNOW that is not the whole truth but I did not take action on my intuition and that is something that has gotten me in trouble at all sorts of levels in all sorts of situations.

I also discovered that I have this energetic door that I slam into the face of any man I meet. And that this triggers aggression. I don’t want to go into that too deep now. Need my wits upon me. Wondering if I’m self-sabotaging my (hopefully) new job with falling back into well, unsolved issues. I learned in the last month that I am pretty ok with being overweight and having grey hair because it ‘keeps me safe’ from admirers. Yes, time for some feel good film on Netflix and sleep. No dwelling on the past. Sign some contracts first, focus on a new job.

I will put in one extra paragraph on sex. If you know me in real life you might want to skip this one…. I have experienced almost a total lack of sex-drive since I quit drinking and fantasies that would normally stimulate me now look awful and inappropriate. (Yes this paragraph is about single-sex in case you wondered πŸ˜‰ ) Also having sexual fantasies about actual people is something that I suddenly feel is very inappropriate ‘through-the-air-energy’ wise. Yeah, sounds funny, I know, but it is one of those psychological/physical changes that I find, well, strange – before I quit I would not have guessed that this would be part of it. It’s good, I guess, but a little funny to feel like I redefine sexuality at age 45. Having said so, I am guessing that nasty sexual experiences are a very big part of my drinking history so maybe it is actually the first thing I should have expected to change. Hmmm…. Shall I put ‘sex’ in the tags? I’ll dress it up a little. πŸ™‚ The thought of sober sex is something that scares me and on the other side feels interesting. But I don’t have to worry about it because I lack a guy. And… seeing what is changing in me currently I am more and more convinced that it is indeed not wise to even think of starting a relation in the first year of recovery.

For those who know me in RL you can continue reading here:

I am happy that I quit although I could do with some serious tea. :-/

I need: to keep my wits about me and not self-sabotage.

I want: the whole world to explode (sorry) where I am the only one who survives (sorry, again). I guess I need to take care of me. It’s amazing how quickly memories of events that I have experienced as destructive turn into big destructive feelings towards well, everything and everybody (triple sorry). Everything was fine yesterday. I need to Netflix, bathe, sleep.

Have a nice evening / day / morning! I promise you I will not blow up the world :-D. Just Netflix, bath, sleep. And sorry for you from the NSA having to read this blog now because somebody anonymously typed about blowing up the world: these are not code words. Just expressions of destructive feelings. πŸ™‚ Trust me. πŸ˜€

xx, Feeling

Esther Nicholson on addiction – must hear

Heads-up for those that are not yet listening to the tapping conference today: if you have time, make sure that you listen to Esther Nicholson. When you do not have time, try make it. πŸ˜‰

What she says about addiction is GOOD – even if you are not into tapping. It is on the addiction to feelings that lay below a substance or behavioral addiction. So addiction to unworthiness, addiction to fear, addiction to The Story (of our life) that keeps us where we are: feeling disconnected, unloved, scared.

Hope you find it as wonderful and helpful as I do. πŸ™‚ Enjoy!

xx, Feeling