Sleep disorder re-blog from SMART Recovery®

If found this a very good article. Also: 20 years ago something I read that people who sleep well when in early recovery have way, way more change to ‘succeed’ at it.

I myself would add:

  • no exciting TV
  • Some herbal teas might be helpful, give it a try. Also: if a herb tea says ‘envigorating’ or ‘morning tea’ it is a good idea to not drink this in the evening. 😀
  • We are built to sleep when the light turns off. We have set up a society where we keep ourselves awake with coffee and TV etc. Try not using these in the evening for a week and see what time you start yawning. I bet, in winter it is aroung 21:00 ish! Really really! 🙂

I am happy that I quit, if only because then I do not have to do it all over again.

xx, Feeling

Sleep disorders are a common struggle in recovery from addiction Guest blogger, Alisa, Nestmaven.com According to a study in the Journal of Addiction Medicine, the incidence of insomnia is five times higher in early recovery than in the general population. Insomnia is not the only sleep disorder associated with addiction; contribute to the development of…

via How to improve your sleep while in addiction recovery — SMART Recovery®

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Recovery 2.0 – free online conference on recovery

Hello!

In two days the free online conference on recovery, called ‘Recovery 2.0’ by Tommy Rosen will start again. Sign up here!

For those who are new to recovery: check it out!

For those who are not new to recovery: check it out! 😀

I am happy that I quit.  A woman who loves herself would take better care of herself than I do. :-/ Self-care is still an issue unfortunately.

Wishing you a nice sober evening/day.

xx, Feeling

 

 

Beautiful insights

When reading around in the sober blogosphere it seems to me that next to the euphoria of quitting, the pink clouds, feeling down, being depressed is also a part of becoming sober. It is my (non-medical) opinion that this depression is part of the process we are in. It is nasty. It is ‘un-fair’ ‘since I am being a good girl now…. why should I not be happy..?’ It is difficult because we do not have our buddy in the bottle to ‘cheer us up’.  And above all it is difficult because having the interior design of an addictive personality we (i!!!) prefer happiness, pink clouds and quick fixes to looking at my life, my life skills, my food, my exercise, my ever so non-existing meditation and yoga practice. So… it might feel like getting there is no long end to this stick and we receive both short side. Well, I think you know what I mean?

Life is set up to balance out: eat too much elephant -> get fat -> can’t chase the elephant -> no food -> lose weight. And also: eat too much elephants -> no elephants left -> no food > starve -> no chasing of elephants -> more elephants.

quote-in-nature-there-are-neither-rewards-nor-punishment-there-are-consequences-robert-green-ingersoll-283891

And this is how it works with depression as well – again, this is my not medical and never  humble opinion.

But eh, TOTW found some real interesting info and wrote this beautiful post which includes all of this with some links to back it up! Hear! Hear! 🙂 🙂 🙂

Again, many thanks to you TOTW. ❤

The last couple of days I seem to have emerged from my depression to a degree. It’s a relief. I still don’t feel 100% but I’m a lot better than I was. I was listening to podcasts at work last weekend and during an interview I heard Paul Chek say that things in the natural […]

via Aha! moments — tired of treading water

 

And quitting again…

This morning I quit my job. As in: told my boss that I could not accept the new contract he offered me last week. Not sure how to feel yet; going from sad, to free, to disappointed in myself and I have to admit: a little anxious about the future. The money I have still partially belongs to the tax-office so that’s a bummer. Finding another job should be high on my list. But not today.

And here I was writing this absolute rational explanation of why I quit – again without having any prospect of another job. I get so involved in my job that I can not look for another one without feeling that I betray my boss. I know that is stupid and overdone something / not my worry, but I can’t. So I don’t. And up to last week I was reasonably sure about staying.

This is one of these posts where I just write to get things of my chest, see where it all ends up, try to find out what is underneath it all. I have been thinking of leaving ever since I worked there/here. Or more accurately: as living in a real Feeling mode I really want to stay and I really wanted to quit. There will be people who say that one should not take decisions like this on ‘feel’. I do because I can not deal with the BS I get presented on a daily base. Every move forward in the project I am working on gets twisted and turned and undone by the lack of support I get from my boss / the single-mindedness and lack of education / ability to speak either Dutch / English / German of the staff. They just do not do their jobs and get away with it. And I am responsible for the results, but I do not have the permission or the tools to change things. Sometimes I do, and then it gets taken away – and given back again, and taken away, and promised but not followed up and…. I am tired.

My boss asked if it was a decision made on personal grounds (as in, he knows I have been pretty down lately) I told him yes and no: I just do not get anything back from what I put in. And that frustrates me. “A lot goes just plain wrong and there is nothing I can do about it while knowing that it is of the utmost importance that it does go right.”

To which he replied, sadly: “There is a lot that goes wrong here.”

I really feel for him, feel like I am letting him down. I can see the nasty spot he is in, and I really like to help him, but I can not stay without hurting myself. And that is when things need to end. So again, looking for another place in this world. He said he was sorry to see me leave. I said I was sorry I had to quit in order to keep myself from drowning.

Not sure what I learned here. That I can do great things. And that I can sink in the same time. That team is very important and management support too. Also learned that quitting a job gets easier once you do it more often. Not sure if this is good sober advice though. 😀

Ok, one bit of slander, one of the three things which together made up this final drop which causes the bucket to overflow – because it made me very sad, bitter and tired.

Last week we failed an audit over something big which could have been solved easily with 15 minutes work. The guy who was responsible kept on affirming that he ‘had it all under control’ and that I should ‘mind my own business’.  When, in the audit his stupidity was found out he had the audacity to ask me to explain to the auditor what he did wrong and secondly could, while doing that suddenly ‘not remember’ who informed him of his erroneous ways in the first place :-/.

I do not feel supported. It is an empty feeling, it sucks the life out of me. 😦 I am not without mistakes. Have made plenty. Somehow I am always 1/2 step ahead so it must look like I have it all sorted out. I had a boyfriend like that once – I hated it. I do not know how to change the dynamics in that. And now I do not have to anymore.

Not sure where to go next. I am tired. I have several free days left, almost a month. Not sure if I want them in money or free time. 😦 Not sure I will be replaced. My earlier business advice to my boss was to forget about the program I am doing, fire me and get a production lead instead.

I am happy that I quit. Currently I am not sure what the F but I guess that will work itself out one of these days.

I am sad. I already miss my boss and some of the supportive colleagues. Both emotions surprise me. Well, I did not really think ahead. I just need to get out not to drown.

A woman who loves herself would make sure she takes it easy as not to tip the scales. She would take care of herself. Not sure I love myself. Can’t really do the big caring things. I can go to bed now. That is good. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober day/evening. Do not follow my example in quitting your job ‘just like that’. It was by no means ‘just like that’ but it hurts too. I feel like I do not, can not belong anywhere. Time for bed it is.

xx, Feeling

52 Celebrities who do not drink alcohol

Here are 52 celebrities who do not drink alcohol. I am sharing to counteract the drinking idiocy in this world.

And since I got your attention a little WordPress tip about adding internet links to your WordPress post. Ever so now and then I go in teaching mode, today is the day.

PUTTING LINKS IN YOUR POSTS

You can add links to other internet pages by clicking the Insert/edit link button in the button bar in the top:

insertedit

A pop-up appears:

openinotherwindow

URL
In the top field URL you copy-paste the full internet address (http://…… ) to the page you want to link to. You can actually link back to your own posts as well. See below under ‘Link to existing content’.

LINK TEXT
In the second box ‘Link Text’ you can write text, a word or a sentence,  which appears blue in your post. When people click this link they will be linked to the link you proposed.

I mainly do not type in the Link Text box. I do it the other way around: I select the text in my post which I want to turn blue and then press the Link/edit button. This way the ‘to be linked to text’ is already automatically filled in in the Link Text field.

OPEN LINK IN A NEW WINDOW/TAB
Check this box so that your reader will open the link in a new browser tab. This is a good option because they will not have to press the ‘Page back’ button to return to your post. They can just close the tab of the linked page and automatically come back to your post  and read the rest. Why is this important? Well, some external sites do not even let the reader return to your original post! So the reader needs to restart WordPress, find your post, check where they left off and then continue reading. :-(. Checking this box prevents all of that.

LINK TO EXISTING CONTENT
First time you use ‘Insert/edit link’ this list could be empty, not sure. After that it fills with the links you have used before and the headers of posts you have written before (more recently). Scroll up and down to find links and select by clicking them.

CANCEL / ADD
Add the link to your post by clicking the Add button. And obviously Cancel if you want to cancel.

EDIT LINK
If there is something wrong with the link in your post you can select the link in your text by clicking the blue text. A small pop-up will appear. Pressing the pencil button will bring you back to the edit mode. Pressing the x button will remove the link. linkexample

I just removed the above link and then realised that I had closed the tab with the external link I was linking to. So I pressed Ctrl – Shift – T simultaneously. This restores tabs which you have closed. Pressing this button combination several times restores all the tabs which you have closed in the session you had in this browser. Ctrl. – Shift – T does not work after closing and reopening your browser. When you need to find historical internet pages after that having closed your browser you can open the browser again and browse through its history – there is a button for that somewhere. Unless obviously your safety settings are on  automatically deleting browser history.

FYI: I found out that with Ctrl – Shift – T I can actually return INTO my online banking program without entering my username and password again! So…. always logout when using online banking programs, never just close the tab.

Hope this post has been of help to somebody. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Mostly because now there is a possibility to take my life into my own hands. Not that I am using the possibility yet but I guess that is exactly the next step in un-addicting. I quit drinking, was stoked about that, came into trouble and developed other, less harmful, addictions but still…  So there still is this big need to ‘not exist’ as I call it. And a lot of what I do in daily life, Netflixing, eating, being busy at work, having problems, getting lost in them, getting lost in depression, is part of how my addictive personality prefers to deal with life. Somehow I thing that self-destruction is safer and less painful than living and being present. And every time I consider this and try to feel into the situation of living and being alive I immediately connect that to falling victim to sexual predators. They don’t want sex so much as they want Life’s energy, to feel alive. When I play dead it will not happen. The other day I heard myself say in despair “I did not gain 30 kilo’s and turn grey to still be harassed!” that’s eh, and eye opener.

So, not living keeps me safe from pain. If I look at that behaviour from an addiction standpoint one could say that I choose to not live in order to not feel. That is an addiction to misery. I want to control my feelings by taking the dark look upon life. When I am sitting here writing this it is all very clear. And it is very clear how it is not helping me. And judging by my heart rate now it is also very clear that I am scared of changing.

Which brings me to my judgement about alternative medicine. On the one side I just love what I find in the fringes and outskirts of the medical world. On the other side I feel I ‘should be able to do this on my own’. I do not understand that. Ooh, yes! I do! It is the reverse logic of ‘if I do not go to the doctor, I am not ill’. :-). If I do not take extra care of me, it proves that there is nothing wrong with me. Ghegheghe…. I had that conversations with my mother once actually. She ‘invented’ this reverse logic of not going to the doctors.

Choice is what we have been given. I think it is good for me to to try this concept instead of being thrown around by everything and nothing. 🙂 Let’s see.

If I let go of my judgement about what I should be, what life should be like, what I should be able to do (transform my personality without external help) I can actually live and suddenly all kinds of possibilities open up. It is funny in a not so funny way, this denial of help. I do not want other people pushing me, pressing me, energetically racing in and trying to change stuff within me. I guess if that is how I view help I do not welcome it. Logical. So when looking for help I need to take into consideration that not everybody is able to give that what I need. Actually I realise I have this perception that if I need help, I am stupid, so I need to accept whatever people put on me and deal with them putting me down over it.

There is arrogance and pride in that from my side too: the assumption that needing help is stupid. Also I am thinking asking for help never used to be free. I associate being helped with others being irritated about that, being put down by helpers exactly disregarding what I ask for because they feel that I am not worthy of asking what I need,  sighing, anger, irritation. The trade being: if I help you I get to put you down, to feel better than you and make you feel stupid. Much irritation and judgement. Guess that is a good enough reason to be afraid of it. 🙂

But I am happy that I quit, so I can actually have a look at those assumptions and possibly change the unhealthy ones. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would go let the cat in, have a shower, go outside, walk, do some shopping, cook something according to my new Ottolengi book and read a book tonight. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober weekend. Do not forget to pay attention to the Halloween time of the year:  take time to sleep so you can dream well and see what messages come through from the others side of the veil. 🙂

xx, Feeling

I’m off the fence when it comes to Teal Swan

Not about me, not about sobriety but a beautiful example of being human. And it is also my support to somebody who helped me greatly.

I have learned a lot from Teal. I have also doubted her and expressed clearly that she is not to everybody’s taste. This video changed that within me. It is about taking stance AND being vulnerable and open at the same time. I had difficulty ‘finding’ her as a human. For future reference for myself I would like to mention (to me :-)) that the part around 0:50 where she explains what different parts her character is built up off made clear what difficulty I had.

Teal has a lot of antagonists who actually attack her in all kinds of ways. This video is an answer to them because their ways by now affect her daily life and that of her loved ones so badly that she can not not react.

“What would a woman who loves herself do?” comes from her.

 

A woman who loves herself would go to bed. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I am daring to do all kinds of special stuff at work, I just (?) let go off doubting myself and went with what I thought is ok. Well, I had no choice I think. Rock-bottom situation flipping upside down. There is no ground so solid as rock-bottom.

Wishing you all a good night/day ❤ ❤ ❤

xx, Feeling

There is hope :-) <3

Yay! You can’t believe what has been handed to me, on a plate…. I’m back. Well, not yet, but I have hopes I could be. Happy now. 🙂

Since my boat started sinking I have been seeing my GP once a week. Just to ‘keep check on me’. She’s a homeopathic doctor with a GP license. She believes in people healing themselves and she is willing to help that process along with her knowledge and intuition. I like that. What I like about her is that she cares, but let me decide what I do or do not want and she does not push things on me. I like that too. 🙂

When I spoke with her about the vanishing twin, me feeling not ‘incarnated’ in this world and lacking self-care she pointed me at the site of Tinus Smits. Smits is a Dutch homeopathic doctor who, as I understand it, focussed on matching homeopathic medicine to different layers of development of the human being. And with that he found, as most doctors would I guess, that some medicine speak to the body very well, and others more to the mind and then finally to the spirit and the connection of the spirit to the universe. (these are my words to how I understand what is written on the website)

Well, this morning I did a little reading through the several (rather funny…) medicines on the site I found:

  • people low in self-care
  • missing ‘a layer’, not able to filter impressions out, not able to stand up for themselves
  • extremely sensitive to impressions, feelings of others, food.
  • unaware of what feelings belongs to them and what belongs to the other
  • the feeling of not being incarnated in this body / world
  • indulging in sweetness and chocolate
  • emotionally unstable (I assume you noticed? :-D)
  • hypoglycemia, obesity, eating disorders
  • feeling/experiencing a lack of attention and love

Quotes from the website of Tinus Smits:

The essence of Vernix caseosa is insufficient separation of its own energy fields from the energy outside.

In such a state we are the playing ball of energies coming from outside, mixed up with our own energy creating chaos inside. This can force us in an attitude of taking distance to protect our selves, of staying home because we need the protection of our house as a second shield. We have to avoid watching TV, to listen to the radio, to read the journal and have only superficial contacts with other people. But this is only a plaster on a bleeding wound. Or we can be completely overwhelmed by all these outer energies, not knowing how to canalize them, not aware of what happens. Many of these patients are so vulnerable that they are continuously in a state of emotional imbalance. Vernix therefore can be of wonderful help at a certain moment in our live, when we have the feeling that we are overwhelmed and unable to defend ourselves. It enables us to build up a natural separation between our own energy and the outside energy.

And now for the part which might…. sound a little funny to those who are not familair with homeopathy. Herewith my laymen’s explanation of things:

We use vaccines to inoculate people against whatever diseases. In those vaccines medical firms put weakened viruses of the diseases. The body reacts to the vaccine by making anti-bodies and therewith strengthening itself. That are vaccins.

Now there is isopathy: isopathy works sort of the same… but uses not only viruses but also ‘chocolate’ or ‘dog hairs’ if you will, in a diluted version to make the body aware of having to build up some strength against those. In isopathy this dog hair would be used to cure an allergy against dog hair.

Take it one step further and you dilute the dog hair* to ‘infinity’, even so far that you do have any molecules of the dog hair in the remedy, there is still a possibility that the solution cures the allergy against dog hair.  I am not sure how it works. If I would be able to prove it scientifically I would be rich. Or dead, more likely. :-D. But I do not really need an explanation for this because  I have seen transformations and healings with people and animals alike so I don’t really worry about it. I try to find explanations for others though. One of the might be that we all know that an insight in something (like really realising that drinking is not good… to ‘just’ name one 😉 )  can transform people. Just like that. There has been no exchange of matter, but still there is change. Same with love, with kind words, with sending virtual hugs. 🙂 Not everything that is tangible has value or has transformative impact, not everything that is not tangible lacks value or lacks transformative qualities. Or in short: there are more things in heaven an earth.

Funny comparison on a sober blog actually, only realising the double meaning of dog hair – ‘Taking a hair of the dog that bit you’ is an English saying meaning that one drinks alcohol in the morning to ‘cure’ a hangover.

Well, vaccines to isopathy to diluted isopathy. The next step is homeopathy were you take a material, e.g. common garden nettles and look at what the ‘poison’ of the hairs on the leaves and stem do to the body when we touch it. In me it causes swellings and itching. homeopathy says; if we dilute the nettle we can cure swellings and itching which look like somebody has been stung by nettles. Again, don’t ask me how it works, it just does. PROVIDING: one chooses the correct medicine and the correct dilution and also does not counteract that medicine by eating e.g. mints while taking it. There are a few counter activities but those are minor. The finding of the remedy is the most difficult. I believe for common cold there are about 20 different types of homeopathic solutions. Colds that have been caused by draft, cold rain, anger, sadness. Colds that show white, yellow, green or brown discharge. Colds which appear within a few hours and colds which take days to grow into a full cold. Colds which include sinuses and colds which drop down into the throat and what else we have there. So… yeah… there is a difficulty.

When it comes to dilutions the lower dilutions e.g. D3, D6 and D12 work more on the body while the higher ones like D30, D60, D100 and D1000 work on the mental, emotional, spiritual field.

Ok, so, that was a laymen explanation of homeopathy leading up to the funnyness of the medicine my GP proposed. Hold on to your seats. 🙂

Saccharum-officinale: cane sugar. :-D. For those who lack sweetness in their lives and try to fix that from the outside. I hope this will help me deal with my addiction by helping me find an answer to the spiritual wrong turns I made when developing an addictive personality.

Lac maternum: mothers milk. Yes, from women. Obviously with their permission and with my many thanks because I hope to be able to repair the energetic ‘workings’ of what went wrong in bonding over mothers milk with my mother. That is what I hope for.

Vernix: is made from the sebum of ten different new born babies. Sebum is the white grease newborns have on their skin in the uterus. It protects their skin. I hope this will help me build this missing layer I have felt all of my life. That is what I hope for.

I have this theory that several of the energetic processes in me are not working fully or not working at all. Like being a clock with a few gears broken, others out of whack. That is doable when young and energetic, when old and on a wrong path of addiction with an addictive personality this is killing. Which…. is how it is ‘meant’ to be in the evolution; that which does not function should not procreate and die off. But still, I would rather live happily than ending up dark, work- and friendless. :-/

So…. I am HAPPY that I quit! I am happy that I have this extreme sensitivity which at times is very hard on me (but I guess most on the people around me because I it can make me a real asshole) but in times like this sends me to the right person in the right time. It is a gift. And as gifts go: they can be great, it is also another word for poison. 😀 Well, ain’t I a little ray of pitch black? 😀

Another wonderful experience at the doctor this morning. I said that I believe that sustainable healing begins with the person themselves wanting to heal and looking for solutions. But that I, in the last months had lost that ability and I could only look for help. At which she says: “Looking for help is also something that you do yourself.”

I am happy that I quit. I hope you are happy that you quit too. Or planning to do so. Not saying it is easy – well, the not drinking part was for me fortunately, the living part is a bit more eh, challenging. But I have hope, and something like desire (?) again. A want to do stuff, a want to live. Haha, finally my search for a way ‘out’ might actually help me to find a way in. 🙂

I am happy.

nigellawhiteish

Wishing you a nice sober day/evening/week!

xx, Feeling