Day 975

I used a calculator to find out what day I have in this new life of me. Day 975, 2 years and 8 months and 1 day ago I finished this book ‘Kicking the drink easily’ by Jason Vale and quit drinking.

I am happy that I quit, eventhough lately I have difficulty appreciating it, well appreciating anything anyway. I guess grattitude really helps in sobriety. As I have always believed that being happy that I quit helps me. So, here is another post on why I can not feel that I am happy that I quit.

I am not happy currently because I am in this job which is the most taxing job I have ever had. Everybody thinks I am doing very well but I myself only see what is failing in my work.

But I’m guessing that is not it. The real pain comes from having fallen in love. Yay 😦 with this guy at work, married, obviously – cause why would things be easy? It is painful, somehow it is shamefull. I have been there with the bookstore man. Why did I not find that shameful? I guess because I did not yearn and fantasise. And now I sometimes allow myself to do so. Funny to find that these fantasies don’t go anywhere because I know they are unwelcome. He’s happily married to some awsome women. So I have lost my pride over the yearning. Ok. I can deal with that. It’s just like addiction. It is addiction.

A niece of my has passed away last week at the age of 60. She is the first one of the new generation. I have only seen her like 3 or 4 times in the last 20 years, but still. It is confrontational. She had/has/was bi-polar in a very dark way, could not be left alone for the last 15 years of her life. I hope she rests in peace. The day she died I suddenly had memories of her, through my father; a thought which I now recognise as from my father, not ‘of’ or ‘about’ my father moved into my existence. It was mixed with sadness over losing a daughter and with thoughts about my niece who was his brothers daughter. 2 Days later my SIL called to inform me that my niece had died that day. May I say that I am happy she died of a natural death? Not sure if that is a thing to think, probably not a thing to say, but I am happy for her kids and husband.

I miss my father. I miss the way it was when we thought things were good. When we all lied to eachother and played happy destructive family. We were happy too. But it was a because of layers of constructed, destructive work arounds in order to make things ‘work’ in the family.

Looking for a photo to demonstrate the crookedness I experienced and found this one. It actually leads to a book on Amazon saying: “Olya steps through the mirror into the Kingdom of Crooked Mirrors where Yalo resides. The kingdom, under the rule of King Yagupop LXXVII produces crooked mirrors that brainwash its people through subtle changes in reality.”

theworldofcrookedmirrors

That is what I experienced in family life: brainwash through subtle changes in reality. The outsides of people not matching to the insides. Me having to change all kinds of things in my nature to be able to survive. Sickening. Sickening to everybody. My SIL informed me that my brother has found himself in a (near?) burn-out. My first thought “Well, that is about time.” Extreme high-blood pressure and STRESS with, well, capitals. 😦

To me being sober is reversing the brainwash and going back to my original self. Undoing the brainwash. But I am not happy about it. I find it not rewarding because lately I am tired, take bad care of myself and mostly, god this is so childish: because I can not have what (whom) I want. Pffff…. This is so painful to realise that I can not laugh about it yet. I must take better care of me but because I do not I feel bad and because I feel bad I do not think I have the right to take care of me. This is a repetitive thing: taking the right to live. Taking my life into my own hands. I feel I have to break with everything and everybody before I can do that. It is my assumption that if I do chose for myself I will loose everybody.

That was my mothers assumption too. It was my fathers assumption. It is part of what kept them together and it a sure motor behind their aggressive behaviour towards eachother and us. This is where projection comes in: since they did not choose for themselves, we were discouraged and forbidden to do so.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Time for practise in being grateful. 🙂

I am grateful for the beautiful song ‘Blowing in the wind’ which I have on repeat since writing this. It represents my mood very well currently. I am grateful for my nice colleague who picked up a big assignment I asked her to do today. I am grateful for the insight which lead me to this firm because I am where I need to be. Just not liking what I need to learn. Well, since I am there anyway I guess I might as well bite the bullet. What is in the way, is The Way.

I am grateful for my bike because it brings me where I need to go. I am grateful for my beautiful friends who have helped me lately to cope, who have learned to speak the truth to me about themselves, and about me. I am grateful for the female consultant showing me how to work, teaching me important stuff and skills. I am grateful for the male consultant because he shows me how I do not want to be. I am grateful for my difficult male collegue because he teaches me to not take stuf personal. Ooh, on that subject: my boss came over to me the other day complaining about this friend-collegue of him, telling me how close he is/had been to firning him over his non responsive behaviour. 😦 My boss scares me with things like this. I always think: I am only seen as good because the rest is screwing up. Not because I am good. Also: if he fires people ‘at will’, when will I be the next one? I told him. He got irritated. He’s not good with me losing faith, or maybe he’s not good in me losing faith in him. 😀 Or maybe I should not be saying these things to my boss! 😀 No no no, don’t ask me to learn because I will not.

Did I tell you that the consultants have been testing me to see how and if I want to proceed this job? They were saying things like ‘there are so many jobs in this field’ and ‘just have a look’. I had the idea they were trying to see if they could win me over to their camp. Not sure if they are allowed to do so. Would feel like betrayal. I would be VERY good at that job after some schooling. But I guess I might be too far away from the actual workfloor for me to be happy. Maybe I could do them both. 2 Days at my current firm, 3 days at theirs. Hmmm…. well, first the audit. I am still not sure we’ll get through. Auditors say we probably will. Boss says so. I don’t know.

Need to be off to bed. Wishing you a nice (sober?) day / evening.

I am happy that I quit. Even if it is only because I do not ever want to go back to the crookedness inside me, go back to the lying and hiding and not being able to stand up straight. I will stop yearning for the taken man too. Done. Just need to see how to deal with his anger about that. Married men are never nice: they (not so secretly) tease and flirt and send vibes just in order to sharpen their nails on a free woman and see if they ‘still got it’. Next they realise what they did but secretly blame and despise me. Thirdly they feel rejected when their tease is not answered.

One of the important collegues in the audit process has had a car accident in which a man was killed. My collegue was not to fault but did drive the car which killed the senior biker. He himself has no scratch but his whole aura is an open wound walking. I so want to hold him and keep all the pieces together for him. His energy continously falling apart is well, almost visible. First thing he said: “I am so happy I did not drink anything.” Meaning that he could not have lived with himself if he had drank a beer even though the accident was not of his making. He’s very concious of the dangers of alcohol in traffic. Cars are such a big responsibility. Use it well and it is a car. Drink and it turns into a murder weapon. 😦

Well, somewhere along this post I was free of dark thought but haha, not for long! 😀

Hope I leave you with a better mood though. I am happy that I quit. And a woman who loved herself would take better care of herself. That is what it is. Allowing myself to take care of me. I am still jailing myself. Freedom of fear and bad behaviour is scary. It is very alone. I am not at ease there. Need to become at ease otherwise I will keep on showing destructive behaviour in a reenactment of my former life. Trying to feel through the feeling of being free of these negative bounds. I realise that I need to be free but also within my body. Not free outside the body, free and centered. Free and not centered is more like panick. 😀 Liking the feel practice I am doing now. Free and centered. Need to practice that. 🙂

I am happy that I quit because I would not have found this place where peace and the possiblity to act are both existant. 🙂 No spell check today. Need to be in bed.

xx, Feeling

 

Breath of life – conference on addiction with Gabor Maté

For those of you living in the UK:

TRAUMA & HEALING: AN EXPLORATION OF MENTAL ILLNESS, ADDICTION AND DISEASE
WITH DR. GABOR MATÉ
* MAY 18TH – 19TH 2017 *

Trauma is not what happens to us, but what happens inside us. Based on Gabor Maté’s bestselling books, this two-day workshop will explore the traumatic basis of physical disease, mental illness, addiction and childhood developmental problems. It will illuminate all of these conditions not as separate diagnostic entities, but as bio-psychosocial phenomena, manifestations of the unity of mind and body, physiology and psychology, and of the individual with the social environment. Treatment approaches must flow from such a holistic understanding.

Continue reading on the website.

I am happy that I quit. I think I keep on growing into the person I was ment to be. That is good because it sort of feels like I am ‘straightening out’. Like my spine is growing back. Does that make sense?

xx, Feeling

Hey you :-)

Hey you :-), Would you like to leave a message? You, or group of you’s who just read almost all my posts, you make me curious! 🙂 My ‘stats are booming’ meaning that the counter of number of messages that have been read ran up to 450 today! So if you are the one who read all my post in one day, would you like to leave a message?

Not to worry: the statistisc only show you (all) live in the United States, nothing more so your privacy is guaranteed.

I am off for the night but would really appreciate you to leave a public comment or private one, my e-mail address is full blog name without spaces@gmail.com. And in stead of the full blog name you obviously write feelingmywaybackintolife.

Hope to hear from you. If you care to stay a private person, make sure you make up a fake email addres for this purpose of leaving a comment or a mail. 🙂

Edit: I am obviously happy with everybodies comments but in this case I am specifically looking for the one person/the persons who in one day read al my posts. 🙂 🙂 Hi!!! 🙂

xx, Feeling

Having some days off

Hello,

I have some days off. At work there was a test audit at the beginning of this week and we did well enough. So it was time for me to take a day off. My boss texted he would advise me to take Thursday and Friday off too. I guess he does so because he cares / I have so many extra hours. I myself felt fired obviously. Guessing I’m not – which is HUGE progress. :-D. It took me a day to come to that conclusion though. In between I read the whole internet, finished Netflix and binged on cheese, chips and chocolate. Then I felt BAD and realised I did so because I binged on cheese, chips and chocolate. Gosh?!

This whole proces of learning to take care of me is difficult. Not drinking is not so difficult. Living is more difficult. Not self-destructing is the most difficult thing. The womb twin survivor issue is coming back to me in a lot of different ways. It hurts. I guess it will be like that for a while until it things get better, if they ever do. The realisation that this experience of watching / feeling my twin brother die is so fundamental for my whole life is difficult. Well, having found a ‘reason’ is good. Not ready yet to start from there and find a way to heal what was broken. Or to accept what is unacceptable. Guess this means I need to mourn. Or maybe I am trying to fix things in the same mindset which got them broken. 🙂 Dunno. 🙂

The other day I learned to practise the ´this too will pass´ concept on myself. Which is good. I seem to take every suffering as ´eternal´. And it is not. Now cleaning my house. I was as we say it ´scrambling up the walls´ out of sheer panick of not knowing what to do with spare time other than weekend. Cleaning is good.

I am happy that I quit. Eventhough currently living is difficult for me. All the things which are weird about me seem to surface and this hurts. I am trying to turn it into a lesson of self acceptance but the forces of self-destruction are big within. Nah, can’t make heads or tails of this day; might as well clean. A woman who loves herself would use her sad/weird time wisely so she would be able to enjoy the non sad non weird time in a clean house. 🙂

Wishing you a beautiful day.

xx, Feeling

Socialising is good

Hi everybody,

Just dropping in to say hi and tell you that socialising is good. Thank you all for your comments, hugs and wise words. I went out for dinner yesterday with 2 good friends and received some real beautiful real life hugs and was listened too and cheered up. These hugs, the listening and advice were added to all your online reactions and it restored some of my lifeliness.:-)

Slept well but woke up early. Went to work late, bought my boss a package of his favo cookies and apologised for  walking out. He was generally ok with me having a too bad a mood to work; ‘Happens sometimes’ he unpacked the cookies and beamed me his brightest, brightest, brightest smile. It is nice to have a boss who is also human and who can receive cookies well if I screw up. 🙂 And then gave me a seasoned, professional, motivated help for 2 days in the week! Yay! The help is a real nice guy who can actually listen and is interested in the process. Me! Happy! 🙂 🙂 🙂

And so the rollercoaster goes up again. I wonder if I will ever learn to trust. I guess other people have a partner to tell them that it is going to be ok.

Also, I met my predessor today, she left about a year ago and was not followed up. She informed me of another randomly planned audit from government side. Ok….. that is…. a surprise…. Just when I thought I had seen it all. 😀

Today I managed to, at some moments, figure out what a woman who loves herself would do which is good. Tomorrow is Friday. I still find it mindboggling how difficult it is to really care for me. How easy I abondon myself. How this ‘not caring for me’ has been a lifelong trait. I did decide to drastically cut down on my hours for 2 reasons: working overtime is eating in at my efficiency right now and also I am not caring for myself anymore because I am too tired. But I found out yesterday, and before, that this behaviour brings me to the edge of the abyss in no-time. I did not want to drink yesterday. But the forces of self-destruction were amazingly strong and that is, I don’t know, tempting? I am tired of falling down and having to get up.

“If you are tired of starting over again, stop giving up.”

I guess in these downfalls I notice that I work through sobriety without external ‘addiction’ help apart from blogging. I have been to one AA meeting, must have been over half a year ago. I guess I will go again. I am still not sure about the tax returns of 2014 and 2015, and not sure about the housing support over 2016 so I do not know what money in my bank is mine. So I don’t go to my therapist either because I fear I might not be able to afford it later on. Funny how I realise that I can sort any of it out in almost ‘no-time’ but don’t. Yes I do have a job at a highly skilled level and no I still do not make a lot more than a production worker. We’ll see what the future brings. For now I don’t spend a lot. I do however buy more organic food just because it makes me feel better. And no meat and more cheese. Thinking of slowly walking towards half veganism, half vegetarianism with maybe 1 times meat in the month. It is a compassion and spiritual cleanliness thing; when looking at the meat and dairy industry I see only wrongdoings. It is horrifying specifically in countries where large megastalls are allowed. I do not think it is good to treat animals, or anybody like that. And it is specifically bad to eat the produce of that commercial abuse. No good can come of mistreating your food, nature or oneself. And still I do. But I also learn. Sometimes too slowly to my taste.

My cat is coming to send me to bed. 🙂 I’m off. Wishing you a good night/day.

I am happy that I quit eventhough currently I have difficulty making heads or tails of this life I lead. It is a bit extreme. Or maybe these are just my reactions. Dunno. It is bedtime. A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. Would have been in bed already. Tomorrow is Friday and then…. it’s weekend!

xx, Feeling

 

The third goose

Fucking karma wheel spinning and spinning. I arrived at work at 7:00, left at 10 ish telling my boss that I was too much in a bad mood to do any good.

Yesterday I realised how little confidence the consultants actually have in us getting the certification and that was, well, revealing. It really put all my hard work into perspective (label: useless). On top of that I asked the head of production to follow procedures exactly as they are and should be and should have been for years and years and the whole department thus finished 2 hours late with everybody complaining about the work. I asked the head of deparment who himself is declared incompetent by my boss (nice) for solutions and he started to smile and smile and smile with his big brown eyes and cute face but gave no answers.

This morning I biked to work realising that I had done it again: invest too much and be disappointed about it. Where yesterday I still thought I could turn the tide of this company today I woke up realising that this is impossible. 1 Person can not undo in 2 months what 20 destructed in 2 years. I realised that again I had lost myself in a company, in workaddiction. I realised that if I could not set myself straight soon, I would not last the 6 month contract and even if I did, at this moment I am not tempted to continue after these 6 months.

This morning I asked Purchasing to give me some delivery times on regular goods which he knows (or should know) of by heart if he is serious about his job and just in time delivery which is required in this line of work. He did not know the answers and told me to look it up myself. Secondly I walked into the warehouse only to find an open box of toxic laying around in a corner while the same deer eyed head of department assured me days ago that ‘all had been fixed’ and that people where now really really really following safety instruction. NOT! This is a knock-out for the audit. So this got me pretty wound up.

Then I spoke with my boss on purchasing some goods which should have been purchased by Purchasing 4 weeks ago. Purchasing replied with ‘can’t find what you are looking for’ while I had actually added a link to exactly the product we required. The moment I press the send button on the finalizing mail about  this subject the boss rethinks the situation and says ‘no’. Purchasing was in the cc of the former mail so I mail them:  boss changed his mind. At which I get a diatribe of mails on ‘how he does not know how to answer whatever if there is no real question and how should he know what tf if I am not clear’ at which I reply that he was in the cc so fyi only. Even more garbage gets spilled in mail form.

Boss comes back, sits down and says: “I think, in the future, you, I and my wife will be running this company.”

I imploded and exploded internally and said: “Today is not the day to speak about the future with me.” He turned white, red, white again walked of and slammed the door.

I sat there for half an hour trying to hold myself together which did not work. Collegues came in, the nice girl asked me what was up. I told them I was fed up with the situation. Then I tried to work and went to another collegue for some more information. She was very willing to give it to me but her office-mate stormed off saying that he could not work ‘like this’. Slamming the door on his way out. This is the same guy who speaks private nonsense for 15 minutes in my office disturbing 3 people. I have company earplugs so I am not all too bothered.

It was strange to realise a lot of forces against me. I gave up. Told my boss I was going homea and would be back tomorrow. He pretended not to be interested or care but to me it seemed he was boiling inside.

I biked home and saw a set of grey geese with geeselings, first ones this year. There was a third goose, a white one trailing the geeselings and offering them food, trying to be part of the family. It was so sad. The image so much compared to my life where I want to be part of the boss and his wife’s family company but, I mean, it can not be. It is not natural. Even though I just got offered the third spot. Such misconception that I could fit in. There is no such thing.

That was 10 o’clock. It is 17 something now and I am still all over the place. Cheese, chips and chocolate only go so far. Spoke with a dear friend, that helped. And then again I cried and cried and cried and cried and realised that loneliness is eating away at my heart, my very core. That my work/love addiction has taken me places again. Story of my life: I can not fit in. I am too different and when the shit hits the fan I loose from all those who do not give a shit.

I do not think I can be me any longer. It just hurts. I do not understand what the fuck I am doing wrong. I can not live like this. It just hurts. And then the internal addict walks in and says; “Why don’t you go get some beers? That would be better than slitting your wrists.” Another trap. So many traps addiction lays out. I don’t know what to do anymore. Take care of myself. Yes, well yeah, this is the position I arrive in when I don’t. I am sick of having to learn that. Which is because I have no resevers left because I did not take care of me. Tired of doing it all by myself. Which is logical because we people are not meant to be living alone for so long. If I don’t set boundaries the outside world, or what I currently experience as the outside world (like my body…. being tired….) will. Effing addict complications. Kut karma.

I’m off to take a shower. See if it will wash away. 🙂

I am happy that I quit in a very angry way. Angry at myself that I am not more mature. Aah, there is an opening, I am scared of what people at my work will think because I went home. Scared of what my boss will think. Scared that he right at this moment decides to kick me out anyway. Lesigh…. I just want peace. Or maybe I can’t deal with that and that is why I screw things up. 😦

Off to take a shower.

xx, Feeling