Cake with cognac

Just got home from work. Not sure how I feel. My boss had been getting at me the whole morning and that was tough. I try to keep on thinking ‘how somebody behaves and what they do is their business, not mine. But it was difficult. Others told me she was pissed off with me for taking yesterday off. I told her it was about my mothers dying day anniversary. She had forgotten to note it down so when she arrived at work she was surprised that I was not present. Strange because they day before I has specifically told a colleague that I had the day off and she was standing next to me so, well, beats me.

Just before I left she came carrying a piece of cake sort of telling me to eat it ‘Have some cake! Have some cake! Here, come sit with me!’ I sort of joked something about E-numbers; trying to not have to eat the cake. “No, no, no E-numbers.” I had no clue what it was about. I thought she wanted to speak about stuff so I sat down. She kept on rambling and looking at me conspicuously while I ate the cake. I kept on thinking: something is very wrong but I can’t find what. There is something with the cake but I can’t well, I guess I thought ‘read it in the air’ because that is what I do if I don’t know stuff. But that is another subject. She kept on pushing the cake:  “Nice cake, not? Very nice cake.” I agreed. She kept on pushing;  “I specifically like the bottom. I specifically like the bottom” “Yeah, baked well.” I was wondering what it was all about until I got the last bite: “Does contain alcohol though. Did you not notice?” “No, I did not. Must have baked out.” I did not show any fright or concern, I already felt that she was trying to poison me, just did not know how yet. That I could not read in the air.

I went home, threw up. Cried. Started writing. Fucking bitch. She knows I do not take in any alcohol. I told her what I tell others: it makes me depressed to the point of becoming suicidal.

Obviously the alcohol baked out mostly. The cake was baked by a colleague, the crust was really thin and prebaked. He put it in his dough which is shortbread, you can’t really put a lot of alcohol in there and still keep it as short and crisp as it was so I guess quantity wise I am ‘safe’. I do feel like I overdosed on sugar. My mind is angry, looking for trouble. I am sad, feel like she wants to humiliate me, feeling the pain of that. I want to trash things, break things, kill myself just to get out of this world and this situation. But other than than I am fine. Which in itself is a funny sentence I guess.

She is a sadist and likes torturing women especially.

I find it difficult to leave because I can not seem to get my life in order to be able to do so. That must change. What would a woman who loves herself do? First I will allow myself to cry over this, no matter how hard most people say I should not let it get to me. It does get to me and I find it difficult that somebody can want to be so mean to me. What the fuck did I do to her? I always think that she feels threatened by my vulnerability. I am an open book. I can not lie very well. The looks of contempt she give me are difficult to deal with.😦 I find it very difficult now. Cunt.

Well, sorry for my French. This is how it is today.🙂 I’m going to read he comments on my 2 year sober post from yesterday now. Ghegheghe… I am so VERY VERY VERY happy this ‘incident’ did not happen 2 days ago. I think I would have been a whole lot more upset then. Now I somehow have the ‘I have 2 years booze free’ medal in my heart and mind. Which is good. I am happy that I quit.🙂

Thank you for reading. Sorry for my French.

I am happy that I quit. Because because of quitting I know have an idea of how to deal with this. I have had a warning that alcohol is still a no-go area for me. I have been warned that my standard reaction to difficulty is still ‘I want to kill myself.’ Which, for anybody who is worried: I will not do. I will take extra care of me, ok, and an extra bag of chips, and start cleaning my house because that is what a woman who loves herself would do. She would deal with things, or at least try to learn to deal. Which is what I need to do. Write it out, cry about it. Try to differentiate between the other trying to put me down and me trying to put me down. See where I take over in this relay called beating up Feeling.

I am surprised, in a not funny way in how destructive I can be towards myself. In my behaviour, in the way I feel about myself, in the way I behave when with people. I can not find the word but it is amazing, without the good feelings of amazing to it. So much learning opportunity. So much not wanting to learn this because it hurt. I guess this is it: I NEED to take this step where I keep aware of what is going on because that is where the change is. If I don’t take a look at  this I will only find more bosses and people who will treat me like this. It is a karma thing, as long as I do not stand up for myself and learn to keep nasty people out of my energy, I will keep on being a target for others who feel like projecting their own issues on me. I need to let go of this poor-me approach but shit, why do I have to do the work when she is the bitch?😀 Ghegheghe, that is a joke. And next to that I mean it.😦. Ghegheghe…

On we go. I am happy that I quit.🙂❤

I hope you are happy that you quit too.🙂

xx, Feeling

 

I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT – 2 years

Today is the dying day anniversary of my mother and my 2 years sober celebration. I’m thinking there is still quite of lot of work ahead but 2 years = good.🙂

I AM SO HAPPY THAT I QUIT.

I still have no clue as to where my life is heading but the only thing I have to do is to get clear. Not there yet, my fight with replacement addiction sugar has come to comparable proportions as the alcohol. Not that I eat so much (I do :-)) but it influences me so much. Can’t I stop. Nope, not yet. And bwaaahahahaha, specifically not today. Or especially today. Do not know.

I am thinking of quitting my job. Which in itself is a BAD idea because I do not have a new one. But I am sick of listening to either my boss being sick about sex or my colleagues going on about it. Yesterday she asked every guy in the company how long is his dick is. And a not so nice colleague of mine (the alcoholic who has not quit yet) continued to tell everybody that he does not need to measure because in his life he has ruptured the vagina’s of at least 20 women. He finds it especially enticing when they scream. Yes, bad taste to even repeat this sick behaviour. I have a lot of difficulty energetically repairing from that when I come home. Looking for another job is very difficult because I get very scared of the world after hearing this. I need to take better care of myself. I can not have lunch with them, I guess that would be a better idea but the nice guy is also there and he sort of stabilizes me energetically through the day. He’s a sort of anchor.

Pffff, I don’t feel like moaning anymore. I should think at 2 years I could me more in control of my own life. Maybe I should stop feeling ill and get on with life. I am still trying to find out why I hold back on living and deciding my own thing. There is part of me which wants to make sure I do that soundly; like not in the control mode I was when drinking. And there is a part of me which is rather sick and pathetic than alive. I wonder about that part. It feels like if I show up for life, take my place, people will kill me. I am guessing that is how I experienced my life before. Need to find balance there too. Well, there is a whole list of things but it is not getting done with me sitting here typing! So off I go! I have the day off for some serious cleaning, some admin and some celebrating and I hope to fit in looking for another job too.

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that you quit too. If you did not (yet): good that you are around here in the sober blogosphere to read and think and feel about addiction.🙂 Take care. Do what a woman/man who loves her/himself would do.🙂

Wishing you a nice sober day.

xx, Feeling

 

On selflessness

NEW! Got a little, tiny, tiny insight into selflessness today. I was in bed, thinking about the book I am reading on the vanishing twin syndrome and how I feel/assume that this made me get into trouble with energetic barriers, with the natural and healthy opening and closing of chakra’s if you will. I practised with letting some guard down and then there was a WHOLE WORLD!🙂 I practised staying in that awareness/openness for several minutes, trying to feel my way through opening and closing and watching all the natural reactions of fear and awe I was experiencing and muscles consequently tightening and loosening and tightening, getting into a knot and loosening again. Breath stopping and moving and stopping and changing in frequency and depth and place. It was very informative.

And now this evil spirit kicks in and says; “Very informative…. bwaahahaahaha, don’t think I’ll be going back there soon.” So obviously the threat is still larger than the perceived gain. But so, yeah, there is an outside world outside of me. Hi.🙂

It was about time I guess to be recognising something of this. I keep on reading 12 step oriented posts and people speak of service to the community while I go like ‘Yeah, yeah’ and think ‘hell no!’ Which makes me conclude that obviouisly (!) I am not ‘there’ yet.😀 Not sure how to continue. Guess I’ll be forgetting about this and then coming back to it when it becomes apparrent again like I have been doing every other development over the last 2 years minus 2 days.

I am happy that I quit. I feel like I am moving towards something new which in itself has no name yet but I can feel it coming. I am scared but feel that I need to be ready because change and growth is important now and with the concussion I have been standing still and feeling sorry for myself for too long.

A woman who loves herself would drink her night tea and go to bed.🙂 It still is a lovely question to live by. Specifically because I answer it with my knowledge and therefor what I need to do is within my limit.

Ooh, noteworthy too: yesterday I admin-ed without issues. I did attack several chocolate bars in the days leading up to this moment but then I read the ISHA post of yesterday which I reposted in this blog and thought ‘stuff this, life is not about being scared of admin’. So I did it.🙂

Hope you are having a good day/night/evening. Also specifically for those people who in the last weeks, months have disappeared from the blog world; please come back. Just start writing, you do not have to be perfect, you do not even have to push the publish button, just start writing. Sending love and hugs,

xx, Feeling

 

 

 

 

Creating an unwavering intention

I found this post by Sadhguru inspiring and again exactly what I need.🙂 Hope you enjoy.

xx, Feeling

Sadhguru looks at the significance of unwavering intention, and explains what Adi Shankaracharya meant by saying “Nishchalatattve jeevanmukti”, in his famous Bhaja Govindam. The post Nishchala Tattvam: Creating An Unwavering Intention appeared first on The Isha Blog.

via Nishchala Tattvam: Creating An Unwavering Intention — The Isha Blog

Bewaren

Watch your intentions

Watch your intentions,
for they become your thoughts.
Watch your thoughts,
for they become your actions.
Watch your actions,
for they become your life.

Monday last week I was 23 months sober and I celebrated that by ordering very much needed sandals. I had worn out my last Teva’s, to the thread and am now skipping happily on my new ones. <3 🙂❤ Yay! Yes, I wrote about that before but I am so happy with them! They are a sober gift to me which I can wear all day.🙂

In those 23 months I have seen may sober bloggers close their blog or disappear for a while to resurface with a header saying ‘day 1’. I am always happy when people return. Day 1 is infinitely better than drinking. And then again: I would advise anybody to only start day 1 when they are ready. Unless not being ready is given in by the addict. I made sure I had my last drink and KNEW it. I sort of mind fully drowned myself in alcohol, taking such a ‘dose’ that I would be sure I had enough. I did. I have the feeling my last drink is more than 23 months behind me. I (mainly) do not feel like I have another drink in me. Which is very comforting. I knew it was essential for me to only quit after I had had my last drink so I went looking for that. Which, yes, might sound very much like an addict making an excuse to drink. Not sure, I decided I would quit by myself one day, and then within 2 weeks I found my last drink. I actually think I did not bullshit myself there. I worked towards that last drink and after that did not drink again. Yuck, even the thought repels me. Brrrrr.

But still….. I have been wondering about learing sobriety and I have through the months realised that it goes in layers. First layers I did on the excitement of the do or die choice, on the power that is in hitting rock bottom and knowing it. Then the pink cloud kicked in big time so I was even more excited.🙂 Through the first few weeks, months there were tiny moments, mainly seconds, where cravings or drink think popped up. Already then I thought ‘This goes in waves.’ but now I realise that it is indeed a process of uncovering the drinking behaviour, the drink think and the intentions. Layer after layer, which might be why at some moments in life it feels like I have to start ‘all over again’. Like I am new to life and living.

Well, that is when I ran into this poem / tile / quote which I actually twisted a bit to fit the purpose:

Watch your intentions,
for they become your thoughts.
Watch your thoughts,
for they become your actions.
Watch your actions,
for they become your life.

When getting sober / not drinking I learned to mind all these 3 levels. My intention was to ‘get clear’. I did not want the addiction between me and the world anymore. I did not want to feel that I had to lie and drink to protect myself. That meant I had to change my thinking and my actions.🙂 Well, I did. And yeah, that is when the transfer addictions came in but I now take these as a part of the process. Obviously I could not do it differently otherwise I would have done it differently.

That is all for today. Bedtime again. I am still not writing about the horrible week I had at work. I fell into every trap of self flagellation there is and my boss happily joined me to rub it all in. I almost gave up my job, realising that the environment had become even more hostile than I am towards me. That is not good. I work, well, for the money, but also to get myself out of the darkness I was in. Last week I walked into it. All about trusting me, well, not trusting me. No confidence, nowhere, nothing, gone. I have had a 2 day weekend so it the dust has settled a little and I, bhwahahaha, I thought I could say ‘I see now’. I don’t see now, people told me that I should see now that it is not all that bad what I do. I do not believe it for a sec. I need to be perfect, ‘otherwise they don’t love me and I have no right to exist’. It is life threatening to me not to be perfect.😦 Well, I am at a good place to learn to deal with it and I need to do soon otherwise not the outside world will do me in, but I will. Well, not literally, but this is how it feels. Again: things come in layers. Obviously somewhere I am not doing something. With this job with this destructive management I never know if I should quit or learn to deal. I have asked a colleague of mine to remind me that it is an adult thing to do to get another job before I give up this one. Bwaaaahahahaa, that would be a first.

😦 /🙂 Gosh…. black and white, impulsive, no emotional control, extremist in anything.😀 Well, I’ll get there one day.🙂.

I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT. Ooh, imagine having to do this with alcohol. Nasty. Don’t imagine; it is not good. Not drinking = good.🙂

Going to bed on time too. A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. But do the spellcheck too otherwise she fears that other people might think she is stupid.😀 Which is actually a true thought. I also have this fear that people who do not know this is not my first language think I have been drinking when I make spelling mistakes. I throw that thought out of the window anytime it passes. It is good for the records to write it down thought. Get it out of my system.🙂

So, a wwlh does spellcheck today!🙂

Wishing you a nice beginning of the new week.

xx, Feeling

Slogans

Abbieinwonderland wrote a beautiful post on sober ‘slogans’ – those things which you repeat or tell yourself in order to either understand something, or motivate yourself. After replying to Abbie I found that I would like to save this text as a post on my own page too. So here it is!

“What is in the way, is The Way” – which is a recovery slogan from Mary O’Malley who has written a book about it. It sort of means; if you get stressed from not drinking; work on the stress.

“I am happy that I quit” – which, gheghe, is obviously ‘by me’😀. I found that being happy about quitting opens a whole different set of possibilities in life in comparison to thinking it is all shitty. If I sit down to moan about it the first thoughts which appear are ‘Ooh, I might as well drink.’ While when I am happy, I am proud of myself, and happy.:-). The practise of getting to the point of being happy about quitting every day taught me what I actually really felt about it. Which refers back to ‘What is in the way…’

By the way: I am convinced that the thought that alcohol makes us happy is put in our brains by the alcohol industry/society. It is the result of being brainwashed. I take the time to unbrainwash me so I do not have to white knuckle it. It is the difference between trying to stop an oncoming train by hand or just stepping off the rails and watching it pass by.

“What would a woman who loves herself do?” – Teal Swan.
Not sure if it is a slogan but I use it repeatedly to find out what is actually going on. I found, with getting sober, that there are so many energetic / feeling currents under the surface which influence me – and which, I think are the ones that would make me drink if I were to drink – that I think it is necessary to become aware of them and to take care of me with that. Asking this question really helps me making sound decisions. At first I thought I would turn to watching movies at night and fat with eating chocolate. It works out that I put chocolate down and go to bed on time.

“The longer I do not drink, the weaker the addict within becomes.”

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off’ – Gloria Steinem
I use this insight / slogan to realise that I am not the only one whose process pisses them off.:-)

“In nature, there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences. – Robert Green Ingersoll.
I uses this insight / slogan to stabilize myself when I am hoping for rewards after having done something well or just to make me realise that this is how life works. THIS IS HOW LIFE WORKS. We have added all kinds of emotions and reward systems to this to guide kids in a ‘good’ direction but actually this is the only thing it comes down to.

“One moment at the time / The only thing I have to do is to not drink now in this moment.” On moment at the time is ‘my’ version of ‘one day at the time’. The second one comes from my therapist. (Hi :-)) These slogans helped me to go back to the moment I was living in, instead of looking forward, worrying about something in the future. Like the thought ‘Oooh, I can NEVER drink again!’ would sometimes get to me and then I would remember: No, I only do not have to drink right now. I can manage right now. I never liked ‘One day at the time, one day was way too long for me, that already stretches me into the future. When I do that I lose touch with my base and start to feel ‘out of it’ or unhappy or strange in many possible ways.

And there is: “Whatever it takes is what it takes.” I think I came up with that. Not sure. It is about thinking ‘Nah, I don’t really need ALL that self-care, nah, I don’t really, really need to eat healthy, I don’t really, really need to go to bed early because that would be ridiculous, if I were to need so much care…. pfff, that would be very ridiculous. Nobody else does it….’ I answer to myself: whatever it takes is what it takes.

I guess these are / have been the most important for me. Of which obviously the I am happy that I quit practise has helped me most in the beginning while now I start to feel that I need to take care of me on a deeper level and I continue with ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’.

Well, I’m going to press the publish button now, but obviously not without saying “I am SOOOOO happy that I quit! 23 Months ago (plus some days) I decided to stop. Shit I was scared but it was a do or die situation to me so I did. And I lived🙂. Which, I guess, is good. I bought myself a real real nice pair of Teva sandals because the other ones were worn out after 10 years🙂. I actually walked through the sole.🙂 Is that how you say it? Probably not. I am enjoying every step on the Teva’s🙂. Love this brand. Really good collection build up in hardness of the soles and support and durability. Very well done. As a maker of stuff it makes me happy to see brands which actually really think their collection through.

Can’t stop repeating: I am so happy that I quit. It probably sounds cheesy to you all after having heard this so many times but I am. Again and again and again. Life is tough, has been these weeks, more to follow on daily life but I am so happy that I am here and sober and experiencing the ups and downs.

Hope you enjoyed!
xx, Feeling

When will somebody find me?

This week I found a lost girl, 6 years old, she had ran away. Guess I also need to say that I brought her back where she belonged😀. Today I spotted the 5th (?) lost cat since I came to live here 12 years ago. I took my own cat in from the street here. The cat is also happy that I quit🙂. Sitting in the communal (is that the word?) garden trying to connect to the stray cat: ‘When will somebody find me?’ Think I have done too much bonding to the stray already since I am sad and lost and lonely. I would really like somebody to put me together again when I fall apart. Not sure if that is a good relationship description though…:-/

Worked today, working 5 days a week fulltime due to other peoples holidays. I’m in a different position now, I need to do a lot of counting and calculating of the top of my head. I am pretty good at that, or must say: I am pretty good at that when I am not under pressure. This job IS under pressure. I screwed up big time today. My boss says she will replace me tomorrow afternoon “Not because I think you do a bad job, but because I can not afford to have things turn to shit when I am not here.” Which I understand. But it feels not good. I think she meant it.

I did such stupid things today. And when I said “Sorry for botching up you going home early” He said: “I do not mind, you are new at this.” I could not believe his words! Ever since the last post I have been struggling with the concept of doing things wrong and NOT beating myself up for it. I NEED that because the beating myself up actually takes energy I do not have with the lingering concussion and the not so lingering  but very present: “I do not want to be alive because I am scared to do this wrong.” The stupid thing is: I am well educated, this is an un schooled job. I have difficulty doing it. Not because I can’t, but because I am afraid I can’t. So, I have good practise every day to ‘be in the moment’ otherwise I screw up. Every so many minutes I have to fight the urge to run away. I guess this is how I have learned to deal in life, I guess this is what I need to change. My head keeps singing “I don’t want to be here.” That is not only about the work I fantasise I do wrong but it is also about life. I go through life while not wanting to be here. I think that is my biggest karma issue. All the first chakra things I botch up.

And I can write about this on end but I need to get to bed if I want to be performing tomorrow.🙂 And I want to. I want to learn to do this right because it is practise in wanting to be here, in this life, and to keep my head clear, not zone out, not fade out, not well, not that. I want to be clear. Oooh, I so do not want to be clear. Well, that. CONTINUOUSLY.😀. Again I am exactly where I need to be.

I am happy that I quit. Damn I would have eeeeeew, drank a lot today if I had not. Brrrrrrr, nasty. I’m off to bed. And no chocolate btw for today! By the time I was done with the stray cat it was too close to bed time to have any. I checked with the woman who loves herself and she says that going to bed is more important than the spell check and editing. Hope it is not too horrible.

I hope you are happy that you quit too.🙂

xx, Feeling