Went to an AA meeting

What?! Yes! I went to an AA meeting today. Not sure why. Possibly because I feel another rock-bottom coming up and I don’t want to do stuff alone anymore. Meeting people who have travelled the same road was good.πŸ™‚ I got to introduce myself and say (quite) some words. I was surprised at how normal most of the people looked. Ghegheghe..

I am happy that I but I realise that I am not doing ‘the work’ now since I Netflix and chocolate the day away. I find ‘things’ too difficult to deal but I can’t really not deal because my income is on the line. I still have something between 0 and 16 working days in this month I need to be at work. Talks with HR and my boss have been really heavy. I do however ‘recover’ quicker than I would do if I drank. That is very obvious now. Maybe also because I have found personal closure in this where I realised the other day that the whole issue with my boss is a bitch fight over the guys. Not proud of it, but well, yeah, her getting paid at least 3 times my salary should have kept her from behaving the way she does. It did not. I can not cope. I need to get out. I could have filed a complaint. I do not want to do that (right now) even though she has cost me enough in therapy costs. Filing a complaint would also drag others into this and I just want to get out and focus on the future.

I had a ‘job’ application on Thursday, it went well and since I was the only candidate she informed me that I was ‘most likely in’. And…. the next day she changed her mind. It is not a job but an assignment which I would fulfill from my business side. And the school is looking for people to stay there and actually take up a job. I would appreciate that but also informed her that I cannot live from the currently offered 4 hours divided over 2 days. Which means I HAVE to look for another job. Not sure if it were my surprise at her not understanding this point or something else which threw here off but she now has doubts if I am the one. Food for thought. Well, I am invited for a 2nd interview but the date has not been set.

I am happy that I quit. Happy that I went to a meeting today. Not sure what to do with my face though because I’m so caught up in the sharings that I do not mind my face and that goes from ‘Holy shit’ to ‘Ooh my gosh’ to crying over pain I am reminded of. Can you please tell me how you deal with that? I need to learn to regulate, not? Lifting my eyebrows when people speak of repeated DUI’s might be ‘politically correct’ in ‘normal life’ but not in an AA meeting.:-/

A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. And she would have cleaned the house, not sit around feeling she should have cleaned the house for the whole effing weekend. Sliding, sliding. I don’t want to be aware. I am already overtaxed as it is. Don’t want to feel. Don’t want to realise stuff. Not good. The other day I had a drinking dream. Not sure what it was about. I believe I had forgotten that I do not drink. I have that a lot since is it such a non issue. I believe I even forgot my 2 year 1 month soberversary. Not sure if that is good. I think I must watch myself. The amount of chocolate, still under 1 bar, that I eat makes me cry like a crybaby and depressed. Suicide thoughts popping up like mushrooms in autumn after the eating of chocolate and still I do not stop. Aah ja, because exactly due to the chocolate I feel not worth stopping for. It is SO much like alcohol for my body and mind. I am tired of walking in circles with this but I feel like I have no way out. Oh yeah, that is why I went to the AA meeting; see if that could inspire me.

I am so tired of the difficulties in my life. I feel so lonely going through this on my own. The normy friends I have do not understand having an addictive personality. I am back to not appreciating myself for who and what I am. I feel like again I am leaving a family behind. Well, obviously a family with a ‘mother’ who exactly does not appreciate me for who I am and I take over this projected feeling. Or possibly I project it onto her and she back. Or, well, whatever. I dislike this path in life where again and again I have to leave. It is like being born all over again and again and again and it is not the nice independent, freeing side of getting born I meet currently. I want to get away I want to fly away.

Mwoah, darkness is taking over -> bedtime! Sleep = good.πŸ™‚

Wishing you a nice, preferably sober day / evening / week!

I am happy that I quit. Not liking my life currently and my lack of dealing but sober = better.πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

Powerfull add about addiction

This video came to my attention on the internet. I thought you would like to see it too. So simple but it blew me away. (English version now)

Louise Delage is an Instagram personality (if one can be such a ‘thing’) and she got 50.000 something followers in a few months. In almost every photo she is holding a glass of booze. Today the advertising company showed the above film at her page. The full story behind the add is explained here. Addic aide is a French website about addiction and recovery.

I am very happy that I quit. Good things are happening.πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

Basically it is a bitch fight over guys.

Well, boss read the letter of resignation and she was pissed off big time. And Monday morning brought 2 people from HR to the workplace and the required a talk with the boss first, then with me and then with the boss. Tuesday they came back and we had a talk with the 4 of us. Guidelines for contact have been set; basically we promised to act normal towards each other till the rest of the time and I am not allowed to disclose the content of my resignation letter.

My boss was angry. Totally out of herself angry. And then she started crying and what I understood from what she said is that she feared that I had set up the guys against her behind her back. This is when it hit me: she is right, I have tried to make myself secure by finding allies. BUT YOU STARTED IT!!!

Yes, that is exactly how childish it is.😦 Queen bee being scared of her throne and me battling it out with her. And you know, if she would have said “I am sorry that I was mean to you but I feel threatened by you and how the guys like you.” All would have been ok. I understand that. And I would have said: “I am sorry that I got myself dragged into this, I am sorry that I looked for allies instead of talking to you. I had never thought I could. And it took me quite some time to confront you and set boundaries. I am sorry that I have been mean to you and lost sight of your humanity, my humanity. We have lost time in meeting each other. I regret that.”

Aaah, in hindsight: I am sorry that I have let myself be pulled into this. It is informative: now I know how it worked that she started to dislike me and treat me bad since ever I found my footing in the company and started being appreciated by my colleagues.😦 I am guessing this is a nasty experience I would rather have done differently. Ooh, longing for the time where wisdom comes BEFORE I do something stupid.

So how come I did not see this. I did sense it, but I felt threatened because, well, because she did threaten me.:-/ She should not have. She does not earn at least 3 times my salary to behave like this, which is what I threw at her feet. Practised being angry again, now with HR there, they were impressed. My HR person said: “You two look a lot alike.” I answered that I had been afraid that this would be the outcome. I said: “I never fight, I never argue with people, mostly I am too scared. Now I do. I find that being angry feels better than being sad, I guess that is why a lot of people are so angry.” HR woman said: “Maybe that is why your boss is so angry. She is very sad as well.” “Yes, I noticed.” And then I told her what I wrote above, on the insight I had that we both fear that the other throws us out of the group. She understood. And she understood why I don’t believe the apologies my boss is making now.:-/

So basically it is a bitch fight over guys.πŸ˜‰ Never thought I would make myself lose a job over such a stupid thing. Which does not justify her behaviour. But I was there too.

I am very happy that I quit because otherwise I would not ever have been able to look myself in the eye and come to that enormously silly conclusion. I am happy I did, and, if nothing changes, I will, in the end, explain my insight to her and offer my apologies. Hoping for ubuntu.

It is a strange world.

I have a ‘job application’ tomorrow / interview for taking on an assignment. Wish me luck. I am not feeling lucky but I would really appreciate this assignment.

xx, Feeling

Free online training with addiction guru Tommy Rosen

Tommy Rosen is in a happy high and decided to give a free online training with addiction next week. The training will include 3 life webinars on the following:

  • the addiction story and releasing it
  • the vibe of addiction and how to move beyond that
  • elements you need to thrive on the path of recovery

Space is limited.

I am sooooo happy that I quit. Life might not be pretty and easy but the way I deal with it is way better and I might be making mistakes but I can look myself in the eye and that gives so much peace.❀

xx, Feeling

Handed in my resignation

Today I mailed my letter of resignation to my boss and HR. It is a polite listing of nasty happenings. I am sad. I am very happy that I am going to quit but still sad because I don’t want to leave but I have to if I want to stay sober and stay alive. Her destruction knows no boundaries and sometimes I take them in and start self-destructing too. Not good.

My boss is on holiday so not sure when she reads the mail. I listed that she had called me ‘whore’ several times over, called me a ‘wet mussel’, told the guys several times I was running a sexcam, repeatedly commented very nasty on my clothing and hair, enquired after my first sexual experience and secretly fed me booze ‘for fun’ even though she knew I don’t drink. I followed with saying she promised to stop and that with saying “Oooooh, can’t speak about sex now but when Feeling is gone we can go back to normal.” very much broke the ‘no demeaning, no bullying’ rule that my only response can be to leave. I continued with telling her that if she had been a guy I would have long kicked her in the balls and sued her. And obviously I mentioned that I am ok with working the rest of October with 100% dedication. Which is true.

My Asian college had the solution to everything: “You no laugh. You not speak. When she is, you go. Then you work. You money. We fun. :-)” Which actually is the way she deals with stuff.πŸ™‚ I can’t. I told her I can’t. She said: “You need learn!!” I appreciate her simplified view of the world like; “You angry in head, you not think straight” and “You difficult. We like you. Not everybody like you. You stay. We like you. Others don’t, I sure.” That one really hit home.😦 I am afraid she could be right. I am strange. Did not think to get that served back at me. I would LOVE to stay, but I can not with my boss being there. And guess who has first rights?πŸ™‚

Then she walked up to the front office guy who takes over my boss’ job when she’s gone. She said: “Feeling leaves because boss hurts her.” And he replies: “The boss hurts everybody.”😦

It is good to realise that people really do not want me to go. Teamleads from both departments calculated that when I’m gone they will need 3 new people to replace me to make up for the work I did.:-/

Not sure what life will look like now. I am happy that having quit drinking has given me a clearer idea of boundaries and how to feel and create them within myself.

Well, since I got quite a lot of money back from the tax office I actually have more money now than when I started working so that is good. And 2 seconds after mailing the letter a friend texted that she might have a paid assignment for me in the field of my expertise.πŸ™‚ So… GOOD!πŸ™‚

All in all I am happy that I quit.πŸ˜€ No clue what I’ll do next. Guess apply for a job at the competitor who is situated around the corner aswell.

Wishing you a good sober weekend.

xx, Feeling

World coming down

In short: Friday I will hand in (mail) my resignation and the tax office wants to audit me from 2015 back to 2010. How funny is that for somebody who can’t even open a letter? Well, I guess that is how karma works; life gets thrown at me until I deal. Not dealing? Throwing continues.

I am happy that I quit. I am also very sad. Not sure why. Because I feel like I can’t deal. Like I am not worth ‘it’, whatever that might mean. I find life too difficult sometimes. Now is one of those moments. I did call my SIL and she got some really great advise on trying to get the tax situation clear by asking questions. Hey!!!πŸ˜€ I would like to think I could have worked that one out myself but…. no.πŸ™‚ Not now with my head, heart and body in stress. Last night I woke up with pain in my chest. Sometimes I can’t breathe well. I wish I would know what the heck I’m doing this all for. And then again: all I need to do is to get and stay clear and I guess working through this is part of that.πŸ™‚ And in the end; take it one step further and un-mess my life. This is all just the result of not taking good care. And that is how Life is: if I do not set boundaries the outside world will do that for me. That is what happens when one drinks too much, that is what happens if one sits on one’s ass and lives without purpose and only reactive.

I’m off to bed. Very much in need of some good sleep.πŸ™‚

I wish you all a good day/night.

xx, Feeling



So, singing lessons…. Guess what we got the first lesson? Ghegheghe…. Yes; Rehab… This is so, so, so dunno, strange? Of all the songes in the world.πŸ™‚ Obviously the frequency of addiction is still strong in my life.

Further: I decided to quit over the work issue of last Friday where my boss treated me like shit again, made fun of the arrangement we had in which she promised not to be demeaning. Obviously, being her she made fun in a demeaning way. I’m out. Can’t deal anymore. And I do not want to deal with it anymore. I could not stand the idea that I would possibly be there another 2 months. However, she’s on holiday again so I will be quitting by e-mail this Friday the 30th. My letter will include that I do not want to leave but have to because her treatment of me is bad for me. I am as for now, planning to send out the documented story to HR after I leave.

Nice guy asked how I was doing. I said I was going to quit. He changed colour and then spoke with his colleagues immediately. Not sure this is what I would have wanted but it was out in seconds. He seemed very upset, could not stabilize his emotions. The not nice guy then replied; “Well, there’s 10 others who can replace you.” Which was countered by the nice guy as: “Yes, that is the problem, that means 9 extra salaries.” Others agreed. So I guess, if I want a certificate I can get it from them.πŸ™‚

So, not sure what the future will bring. And notwithstanding all the nice sentiments from my colleagues, I feel very lonely. Again I am leaving. I always seem to be leaving, never arriving. It is like in my dreams where everybody has somebody but I always walk alone. Disconnected. Typical addict trait.:-/

I am however… very happy that I quit. I would be in shambles if I had not.

What would a woman who loves herself do? Aah, she would clean the mess in the house because hiding in the mess is keeping my thinking from clearing up.

On chocolate: I did not manage to stay chocolate free. Then I thought; I can have half a bar (50 grams) each weekend day. Then Monday happened and I did not manage to stay away from another half and now it is Tuesday and I am trying to forget this whole quitting thing ever happened but still quite content with ‘only’ half a bar. I notice that half a bar does not throw me off my game as much as a full bar. It is nice to actually immediately notice the difference. Which makes me happy that I quit otherwise I would not have noticed this. That is the only progress. Otherwise it is just a repetition of quitting drinking. Trying to moderate, moderation not working, feeling bad, using more because of feeling bad etcetera etcetera. We have all been there. Or are still. Damn that was nasty. Yuck. Not good for the soul. Or the body.

I am sooo happy that I quit.πŸ™‚ My life is not well, manageable? Would that be the word? Not sure. Not sure if I just had bad luck with the boss or that I am accountable for the mess. I have no clue. I still tend to think: if she is nasty towards me, I must be somehow wrong. Have been all my life so why not now? But no matter if it is me or the boss, our relation is destructive and like booze, I need to quit otherwise my blood pressure will sear to heights which make my blood vessels pop. Don’t want that. A friend asked me what kept me in that place. I commented that I think there is a learning experience in standing up against the bullying. She asked: can you change your need for a learning experience from ‘need to deal with negativity’ to ‘I would like to be able to look for positivity’? Woah! That would be a NEW concept. It is so new that I can not comprehend it yet. A place where I would be accepted and appreciated. That would be nice. I guess that whole concept can only exist when it is starting to exist within me.πŸ™‚ Happy that I quit. Hope I can work this issue out. I want to belong somewhere in they way that I am. Not be cast out or hurt when I am me. Patterns and repeating karma patterns. Not sure how to deal. Well, time will tell.

Wishing you a nice day/evening!

xx, Feeling