The land of no self-hate – Episode 12 ‘rock-bottom and becoming help-ready’

Life has been tough. Tougher than I can handle or maybe tougher than chocolate can handle :-). I have let myself slip to the bottom of the pit and stayed there too long. I have been lying to my friends and family about how I feel because I did not want to be confronted with myself. I kept on saying “I am ok” or “I don’t want to talk about it.” while inside I was dying. I lost faith in myself, my life, my future. Everything was very dark.

I don’t want to lose my friends. And I know about the untrue friends and the true friend, but the energy unload which happens when I really let go is BIG. I do not think it is not suitable for friendship relations.

A new truth I found is that I have lived with adjusting myself all of my life. Adjusting what I say, adjusting what I feel, what I think, to fit in. And then followed the hiding and drinking away what could not be transformed otherwise. 😦 Obviously that is a sick system and not sustainable. 😦 So there I was, another much-needed rock bottom again – the emotional one.

This Tuesday I had to visit the doctor who determines whether I need to look for a job or are entitled to further financial government support. She was rather persistent in finding out how bad things were. Her repeated questioning brought me to places I hope to never visit again, though that might be a wish that will not be granted. I was crying and shaking all over. I knew things were bad, I had no idea it was this bad. New memories of my early youth, teenage time and young adulthood have been popping up off late and it is tough; mostly, dark experiences which then feel so overwhelmingly real in the here and now that it is baffling. I assume it is a side effect of quitting drinking and not having tasks on hand which propel my thoughts into the future.

I tell so much lies about how I feel in daily life and adjust myself to the outside world that I have shut myself down totally. I deliberately place cheerful and silly Facebook post and comments with quick responses and smiling emojis to (try to) make sure nobody thinks I have changed.

I notice I build another me at quite an emotional distance from where I actually am. That is what addiction is to me and it is SO DESTRUCTIVE. It is like I am trying to build a several story house but in order to deal with technical issues and difficulties in the design, I shift the coordinates for everything to avoid having to solve stuff or think about what is going on. I do this for all the plumbing, electricity, for every room and for every layer of the building. Now the rooms do no stack onto each other or on the founding even, the plumbing does not connect from room to room or story to story, planks from the stairs are missing, the sewage system is dysfunctional because not placed at the tap or toilet points, the light shines in places where the floor does not exist and the roof lies on its back in the garden. It is how I feel energetically and it is NOT WORKING!!!

I guess telling others all is OK is not working either. :-/ The doctor was a good mirror. She indirectly ordered me to go into therapy; if I do not improve within a few months she was obliged to take action. In that she hinted at ordering me into therapy involuntarily because of danger to self – or shut down the funds. As threats go, these are quite effective.

Today I had a GP visit – for the record, this appointment was based on a talk I had with my administrative guy to whom I could not keep up appearances – the mask fell of and he stimulated me to make changes.

I found out I have the idea that nobody understands how I am wired. I have the idea that if I tell how I feel everybody thinks I am crazy. Maybe I am, to a lot. But not to everybody and not to myself although I fear to have experienced pre-psychotic episodes off late where I started to doubt the existence of the world. Yeah, funny, in a not funny way. Pressure in my mind went up so big that I could not deal anymore. In order to deal something had to give: it was me or the world, I decided the world was not real and I could walk through walls if I felt like it. :-/ Scary shit. And while my mind is telling me of this new order I KNOW it is not correct but shit the pressure is high. Not advisable.

But it is always darkest before dawn and a lot happened for the good in the last several days. I came home from the doctor’s and made myself an extremely healthy salad. Taking care of myself with a last resort of force, but I did it. The next 2 days I battled the darkness like I battled quitting drinking in the first days; actually using willpower to stop negative thinking and pull it out by its roots. Again and again I find that if I do that, I feel better. Yeah: “duh?!” but ah, difficult when depression has drawn its tracks into the mental state and thinking.

BUT I DID IT!!!! I’m not there yet obviously but I made a start to turn things around. The chocolate is still there but the vegetables are back on the menu big time, so is hope, love for myself and so are the Bach remedies (a type of ‘homeopathy’ / energetic ‘medicine’ to promote happiness and emotional health) I chose something to give me hope, settle the crazy, deal with shock.

In the last months I have sorted my problems into several categories and I found that these are big. The last two days I realised that, as with drinking, I just (?) need to work out what is the problem and where I can find help. My issues are big, but not insurmountable. Or so she said upfront ;-).

In the below paragraphs I write about what I think makes it difficult for me to exist in this world. Please note that I am aware there are billions of people who are worse off than I am. Many of them amongst readers of this blog. But that does not mean I can cope with what I am in this world. 😦 The toughening up I did led me into drinking so I guess there is something I did and do not understand. :-/ Please note this is my own analyses, I should be open to the possibility that things are not as I think they are in order not to close off any learning opportunities. But for now this is it.

What makes my issues, the PTSS, the VTS (vanishing twin syndrome), the high IQ, the hypersensitivity, I am clair-ish sentient πŸ˜‰ difficult is the mix with the addiction; the not wanting to be here and experience what is. That makes it impossible for me to build on anything – that goes for anything: I can not hold on to anything, not to money, not to a job, not to a partner, not to a thought. Only to not drinking actually. πŸ™‚

The Vanishing Twin Syndrome (losing my twin brother in the womb and actually remember that as a very traumatic experience) which leads to a lot but mostly caused my eternal ‘not wanting to be here on this earth’, a big part of my PTSS, the clear sentience and the hypersensitivity. I also believe this openness somehow set me on a path of finding difficulties in the field of sexual abuse. But that might ‘just’ be coincidental. It made me vulnerable to not feeling worthy of being alive: I had already caused somebodies’ death before I was born. No wonder I have no right to be happy and be me.

Because of the hole in my energy system where my brother used to be I am open to all kinds of energies. I feel I am not connected to this body, to this human shape, I am connected to everything non-material.

His death was so overwhelming that it broke my natural defenses and threw me out of my core. I have not been able to repair this. I need to learn to close myself off in order to make myself feel safe in this world and actually want to be here, to fully incarnate. Currently I am like a sender/receiver with no on and off button and no ability to distinguish between incoming and outgoing. I never know where I end and the other begins. Makes for great sex though, when all is well. :-/ Learning to deal with this will hopefully help me to close myself off instead going into hiding or being aggressive, tactless, nasty to others when I feel unsafe.

I am thinking my hypersensitivity is caused by the VTS but has been worsened by the abuse of alcohol, sugar and other addictions which stress out my system and make it vulnerable – not only energetically but also chemically. Over the years I have become hypersensitive to chemical smells and coffee for instance. When my neighbours drink coffee my bowels start doing their bowel thing and I need to go to the toilet.

Next there is PTSS from the VT experience and (sexual) abuse, mother with cancer, father with Aspergers and his religious fixation on the apocalypse. We had a stressful home situation with continuous fighting and passive aggressiveness dripping off the walls. My parents with their structural sexual abuse issues, their continuous financial issues (while they were never out of money! btw) were not able to do their parenting job because of their own mental and physical states; mom’s cancer and their addictions and their own traumas.

Finally there is me being intellectually gifted – which is difficult to say because it sounds arrogant and ha! it does not keep me from being stupid. Intelligence and being streetwise/smart are NOT related :-D. But I guess being best of class for many years of my life puts me in the gifted category. I followed an online course on the subject and I the teacher mentioned that being gifted comes with specific disadvantages as not feeling understood and having difficulty to connect with what is ‘normal’. Also: the inability to connect intelectually actually made and makes people (me!) feel stupid and incapable because others do/did not understand me. Through the years though I have learned to connect to people over the human factor. Which is good, and way more useful in life but it leaves me unsatisfied in working some stuff out and somehow people do not help me with stuff because they think I can manage myself. Not true.

One of the happenings which send me spinning a few weeks ago is finding out my gifted, primary school friend had killed herself, leaving 2 kids behind. We always competed over the best school results. She was very creative and very skilled in that area, she studied to be an architect.

Being gifted does combine badly with my anxiety. In work situations I use my giftedness to oversee processes and all the tiny details which make the business clock tick. In combination with my anxiety and perfection I focus on the things which go wrong. It is a useful trait for a Quality/Safety Manager but it causes continuous anxiety and it is a bad way of using gifts. Also: it freaks out colleagues to see bears on every spot of every road.

My GP does not call my breakdown a rock-bottom but uses the word T-junction. πŸ™‚ Not taking action will lead to darkness, despair and death. Taking action can lead to light. I choose the light because in the darkness of where I was I realised that underneath all of it I like myself.

My GP gave me a few names of therapists, I am to investigate by myself and I come back next week to make a decision with her and sign up somewhere.

I am happy that I quit. Seeing how much I loathed myself when I drank I think I would not be able to bear being alive right now if I would be drinking. Not a positive choice, but a much-needed one. πŸ™‚

The hug-buddy is back. We did not speak about what happened (NEW). After having been asked by the tax service to pay back 4500 euros (half of my savings). I was aware of their claim on my, and I do have the money, but the real thing was a bit more real than I had imagined. I only found out a few days later that they would also be GIVING me 5000 euros for another reason so I’m going 500 plus iso 4500 minus. Realising how extremely stressful these money issues are I suddenly felt ashamed about my harsh judgement of him. We hugged it back to ok. πŸ™‚ I guess some day we will talk.

These days I will be sorting out my issues further and trying to find places and people whom I think can help me with these. For all those who have tried EMD or EFT: there seems to be no organisation without it anymore so I guess that will be on the menu. πŸ™‚

Now is bedtime, tomorrow is another day. I look forward to sorting stuff out and cleaning up this emotional mess. πŸ™‚ I have a lot to give and to live for, if I allow myself to be me.

I am grateful for the people and professionals I have been meeting this last week.

Thank you for hanging in there and reading this rather unedited, dark process of me unaddicting. I want to become clear, transparent and I want to become me. To feel safe to be me. To not be afraid of me. I also want to understand the energetic ways of life. I want to love and be loved.

Wishing you a nice sober experiences.

xx, Feeling

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26 thoughts on “The land of no self-hate – Episode 12 ‘rock-bottom and becoming help-ready’

  1. Try what’s offered. Why not?
    Think about medication. It has truly saved my life. The alternative would be to return to that pit of despair. It’s not a nice place. I don’t like to think of you there…

    Hugs and love.
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi Anne,
      I very much hope neither one of us ever end up there again. :-). I am happy medication works for you. The emphasis in the Netherlands on this medication is much mor towards the actual heighthened risk of suicide due to taking them, specifically in youngsters. ‘Side effect’ they call it. 😦 They scare me. But well, I will let that fear motivate me to take better care of me! :-).
      xx, Feeling

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      • My understanding is that the risk period is in the beginning. As they get a person out of the depths of depression sometimes that initial energy creates an opportunity for action that becomes suicide.
        So for the first few weeks it’s a concern.
        But then things seem possible and suicide no longer seems like the answer as Hope returns.
        It’s a serious consideration. But the long term improvement is hard to compare, at least for me.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for your post. Your experiences sound very powerful. Have you ever talked with an intuitive about some of this stuff? It seems to me the right person might be able to shine light on / dislodge some of the past distress. I have a name I’d be happy to share if you’re interested.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have not spoken with an intuitive but when I have found a therapist and things have settled down a little I was hoping to look for a shaman. This most distressing experience of reliving the death of my brother in the womb had a funny ‘tail’ to it. I got a message that I could become a shaman if I let go of my own life and entered into the realm of the death. Not to die, ‘just’ to lay a path for me to walk on. The downside would be that I would turn crazy for a while. I refused with everything I had left. Currently I can feel the crazy press on me. It is scary. Later I read that most shamans have experienced extreme diseases and balancing on the border of life and deaht is part of that. The most scary thing is that I have always wanted to be a shaman and this is what people naturally sort out as profession for me; witch, shaman – something between the worlds. The pull is so unbelievably big that it would turn a sane person insane. But maybe I am not sane. I thought I was until I woke up and got thrown into this experience. πŸ˜€ / 😦 / :-/ Wish there were people who know their way around in this matter.
      xx, Feeling

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      • Hmm. Maybe I know my way a little around this, a little, although I’m probably more or less in the same place you are. I’m a VTS, and my twin was my brother. I have that sense too of saying β€œNo” to that world. I’ve had 2 NDE’s and a few people have said I’m some kind of witch – that to me though is mostly my intuition from my twin.

        Death isn’t scary at all to me having been there myself, but I find the idea of opening to that shaman world scary.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I did not know you are a surviving twin, sorry to hear you have to walk that path. :-(. And 2 NDE’s…. hmm…. I guess you know your stuff, so to say.
        With you writing this I wonder what it is that is so scary about the shaman world, I am guessing it is the other perception of that what is. Another reality which collides with ‘normal thinking’. And funny….. how can one be scared of something we don’t have knowledge off? Guessing we both sense something there. I fear the powers there and the crazy, but I also realise that in the shaman realm is a lot of possibility for healing. Well, that is stuff for later, first I have to get myself on the rails again. πŸ™‚ Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I really appreciate it.
        xx, Feeling

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      • I just feel fear about opening to that Shaman world, don’t know why. Letting the feelings come up about the womb – that’s all good as far as I’m concerned, even when it is agony. Actually, I seek that and I sense that it is short term fragmentation for long term gain. I had a NDE at birth and as an adult I “knew” what had happened and then had it confirmed by my mother. I didn’t have fear about working on my birth. When I was an adult and had my second NDE, death was a bit like that Peggy Lee song “Is that all there is?”. Not totally of course! But not scary at all.

        Shaman world, scary.So that’s interesting to me too.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah, it’s the permanent fragmentation I think. My mind, despite everything, has seen me through in my life. Opening to that world, well what I have of my sense of understanding would be smashed and who knows what would come of that? I love my mind. But. Perhaps that opening is inevitable as it’s calling? Can you leave a thing unexamined? I’m not sure I can!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hahahahaaa! Indeed! “Can you leave a thing unexamined?” Noooooo! (shock emoji)
        Same here with the fear of the smashing of the understanding. Funny. I actually never really spoke about this with somebody but to hear you say the things I experience is funny. Welcome funny. The shaman world where the rules are different and the way things are ‘in order’ here is different. I am going to share a piece of The Waking Times here on psychoses and other serious mental issues – and how shamans and several psychiatrists look upon them as another way to healing traumatic experiences. The other day I lost it totally and went in to a tiny-sized seriously scary psychotic episode. I have the feeling if I would have let go I would have ended up in the shaman world. Sometimes I want to let go. Be gone, be done. Currently hoping I can just scrape by the abyss and get enough info out of that world while having my feet in this one. Not sure if that is possible though. Indeed, the calling. :-/ Going to take some Bach remedies here which ground me when feeling that the crazy in me gets too big. πŸ™‚
        xx, Feeling
        Sorry if this is all too weird for you :-/.

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      • Not too weird. I hope you find a place to balance where you can reach in to learn without tipping all the way in – a bit like a NDE – you taste death without swallowing it whole.

        I’m not sure what healing lies in the Shaman world but I sense that the mind shifts, which I have experienced before opening to non-duality , and my mind was fine with that, but then maybe being a VTS makes non-duality so obvious anyway!

        Liked by 1 person

      • “Not swallowing it whole.” Nicely worded :-). Not sure if it will work. I think it will be good to look for a pill-free safetynet here.

        Yeah, VTS must be helpfull (strange word) in experiencing non-duality. But what I do not understand about the (general) longing (?) for non-duality is: is it not a denial of the fact that we are all born separately? There must be a bio-logical need for that separation, not? So why the want to mesh it all back together? I know what it is te be mixed, I sure do NOT want that openness with 90% of the world. Am I understanding it the wrong way? Or is this my ‘frozen in aloneness’ state speaking here?
        A few days back I have clayed a tiny baby again. Very informative. I just poored all the projections in, the love, the pain, the need to save his life, the intense loneliness. And I came to the insight that I am frozen in wanting to save him and not being able to. And that I never started mourning because I can not accept that he is dead. That helped me a little on my way. πŸ™‚ The clay works well for me. πŸ™‚ Have you ever done VTS therapy?
        xx, Feeling

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      • I lost my comment.
        I wrote something like – I don’t explain non-duality very well, it was a helpful shift for me on my way to the womb.
        Frozen death – absobloodylootly. That is it exactly.
        I wrote this earlier this year:
        “That bond I had with my twin has kept me aware of closeness and connection and deep love because I had it from the very beginning. Perhaps feeling it and losing it early means I have always been aware of the preciousness of true love.
        The death of my twin has destroyed death for me. It feels as if no one ever dies. That if I can think of them, of course they are still alive. Death is meaningless to me. Death is also ever present, it is everything.”
        I started to grieve this in May and the intractable stuff of life (20 years in therapy and recovery) has started to shift.
        Grieving it is the work for me. It’s all I can do and need to do.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Again and again I find it amazing how much VTS has similar results on everybody around the world.
        Death is ever present, it is everything. I have too much of that, I fear everythign will ‘go away anyhow’ so I start mourning the end of a relation even before it started. Yeah dramatic, and yeah, so engrained in my cells. 😦
        Grieving is good. 😦 πŸ™‚ Wishing you healthy grieving, the ability to let go and to see how this experience has influenced your life so you can maybe choose other paths when needed.
        xx, Feeling

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      • Never done VTS therapy, but a lot of other stuff and working my way through it myself. I realised I was a VTS looked to see if such a thing existed and found Althea Hayton. So I had a start from the literature.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Really good luck with it in therapy. I’m guessing that the best kind of support for grieving (certainly for me) is like a recovery group. I haven’t found a group that works for me yet as I think a lot of people who are VTS get to the sadness and stay there because to work through the grief means you do face the death actually and then you do leave them behind and live. A sad horrible betrayal maybe?
        I want to do that and need to do that, but I haven’t heard much of that in the groups really. Some, but not a lot and not many people. So I’m searching for that and doing a NAET treatment etc doesn’t cut it for me. I did that for other things and it was a bit nah.
        Althea’s work is amazing in her understanding but also only really symbolic, which is not enough, not even close.
        TRE and Primal work well for me, but it’s the understanding and working through the process with others that has always moved me forward most clearly, so that’s a search. I hope you find a way in therapy.

        Liked by 1 person

      • To everybody who knows ‘Primrose/Prim’ from the blog ‘Taking a new path’- the above comments are not written by her but by somebody else who also uses the nick ‘Prim’. I just found that out. It was all a bit combumbling, first thinking that it was Primrose (Prim1) and then finding somebody else somewhere under a different name saying Prim2 things. πŸ™‚ Now going to check if I did not leave funny messages at Prim1’s ‘Taking a new path’ based on the assumptions I made earlier. πŸ˜‰

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