Practising positive affirmations

Reading Louise Hay’s book ‘The power is within you.’ and it starts of with positive affirmations. I am practising these now and wow, what a power! I can actually feel myself relax and become a nicer person. Wow.Β  Amazing. Well I did know I had a strong negative streak, but I did not know it worked in every second and in everything I do. I feel like I am unfolding. I am experiencing space and health and mind places where I have not been before.

And actually, funny, I knew the strength of positive affirmations and used it to make myself happy about quitting. I called it brainwashing :-). Affirmation as a nicer word. I can see why it took me a while to get there but it is here and unfolding. πŸ™‚ I like it. I am 4,5 months sober now, 140 days.

I am happy that I quit drinking! Yeah! There are so many things to discover about life, about the universe and doing so makes it all so rewarding.

What I want: to continue reading.

What I need: to settle my thoughts in order to actually do stuff. That is a need but I will continue reading because getting rid of negativity and my attachment to sadness has been an assignment since I did my ayahuasca ceremonies 4 years ago and I want to be free of it.

This post was edited, I used positive wordings. πŸ™‚ Yeah!

Changes, changes…

Hi! πŸ™‚ Hope to find you well. I haven’t been feeling like writing and I still don’t but I think that I should try a little just to see what comes up. I never know with me. I might be hiding important stuff from me just because I don’t feel like knowing it.

Yeah. Big things have been happening. Big changes in me but there were so much of them that it was overwhelming and I did not even know where to start so I did not. Going to try now.

The friend I have called the nutritionist friend introduced me to the concept of not using the word ‘should’. Right at that moment I realised how much of my life’s energy is stuck in that concept. It felt like I encase myself in this tremendous wall of things that I should do and don’t do and then berate myself over. It feels like a 30 cm (12 inch) thick wall of heavy fog all around me, almost concrete, that heavy. No wonder I feel stuck. And… with noticing it and realising the construction that keeps it there, I also managed to let go for a tenth of a second…. it gave me an insight in the overwhelmingly big world that lies behind this wall of fog and my need to hide.

I trust biology and our Creators; whatever good or bad we have in ourself, it is there for a reason. Me getting stuck is not good or productive but somewhere there must be a reasonΒ  that I prefer to be stuck or it would not happen. I might not be aware of it but somehow, somewhere I think I win with this behaviour. Being an ex(?)-addict it is probably a quick fix and short time goal I am serving with it, but the idea of the fix is there and I think by now I have learned that I can not leave destructive behaviour if I do not understand what I do when doing it and feel my way through it while understanding it. I learn by reading, thinking, listening, speaking and while doing that feeling my way through. Through actually means ‘out’ in most cases. Feel my way out of the problem into clear living.

I learn best when things change in my cells too. Does that make sense? Do you know an insight in something can be so big that your whole body reacts? Like a reaction is set of in all your cells? Learning in such a way that your whole body understands what is good and what is wrong. Learning in such a way that you never feel like you did before because something has changed at cell level? This has happened in a bad way but lately it is happening in a good way very often and pfiew, it takes time to let things settle. And if anybody knows of a book that can put more scientific words to this process I would really like to know.

About the should word. I did not take time to let it settle in my body which is a shame because I needed that insight. Next time I will take care and say something like ‘I need to sit with this feeling for a while.’ So it can settle better. I should have (hahaha) taken the time to let that realisation settle in my cells.

Other insights? Yes! Every now and then the fog between me and the mess in my house lifts and I really see it for what it is. Quite overwhelming. Have I done anything about it? Not a lot yet, but is really getting on my nerves by now and my body is rebelling against it. I have started cleaning more, still keeping up making the bed in the morning, cleaning the sheets more often, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen more often than I ever did.

I needed to do some tiny admin stuff and suddenly I realised how tiny they were and I just did it. No promises for the future.

There is a thing: I can not deal with pressure and expectations. Or I never could and now I realise it. Any expectation puts an enormous amount of pressure onto me. Like ‘You’ll work it out.’ Or ‘You’ll have a job in no time.’ Or my GP3: ‘If you can’t walk 30 minutes, start with 5 and build it up.’ NOOOOOOOOO!!!! So I am doing an experiment on me. Based on the thought that I know what is good for me AND that nature will provide. The first one is clear all though one could argue that an ex-addict does not know what is good or bad. I’m not going to, because I got into this shit with not listening to me and not aligning myself with whatever my true me is and I am practising not doing that anymore. Actually I have shipped out so much rubbish already that I am not me anymore. THAT is a major change as well. No I’ve not become psychotic or what have you. Last week I had this revelation of realising that becoming sober was not going to feel like ‘me with some changes’. If I want to get sober (am) and clear (am not yet) I need to change. My ideas, my frames, my concepts, my approaches, my intentions and my speed needs to change. I need to clean out the rubbish, mend things, clean things up, heal. And that does not go happen if I hang on to who I was and what I like to feel like.

My ‘preferred’ state of being is anxious, with some kind of doom awaiting me, always. With loads of sadness and loss and happiness that is almost directly smothered in that sadness. Not directly, then there would be no effect, just almost directly so I can still feel the happiness but it is gone in seconds, creating even more sadness. Well. I guess that is not what I want. So me with some changes is not happening, the changes are so big that the me is changing too. Which is good. When getting sober and longing to be clear I never knew it would go so deep.

Also my body does not like fast food anymore. I had a decent pizza from a real Italian today; brrrrrr. My body starts to object. That feeling is 500 years old, no, ok, 20 years old? I am starting to dislike the taste of my favorite chocolate. The ‘what else is left’ (add some drama here….) thought keeps me with it. No coffee, no black or green tea, no soda, no sugar apart from very pure chocolate. I know the key is in the not longing but I can’t get there yet and I don’t think I should practise that now. It’s too early. It takes the brain 4 months to re-route the neural pathways of reward from alcohol to something else. I’ve hooked it to chocolate, watching a movie, sleeping, taking a bath and… being alone. It is actually contact with people that makes me want to drink. So maybe I should be a shepard or a writer or so or a train driver.

Ooh, and another big thing on Perfection. I always thought perfection was about doing stuff perfect or not doing them (I do the last… ). But it is about WANTING them and specifically me TO BE PERFECT and NEEDING things to be FIXED, preferably in NO TIME. And the struggling I did with that: ‘Not being able to be perfect is ok, in itself, for others….’ πŸ˜€ I always thought that I, well still think, that I am living to be perfect later. And in light of that image it is no use to do anything actually. Why bother? Not going to be enough anyhow. Well, that is a bit of a downer but I was in a very good mood when I discovered that is how I actually think. NOT a constructive concept. I need to fix that immediately….. πŸ˜‰ I am guessing I will have to learn something about the subject of perfection but that can wait till I have a library card I guess.

I am amazed how many subjects I encounter in my life automatically, or ‘naturally’ that are standard addict issues.

And of course there was the singing lesson. It was wonderful again. There was an excercise where one person stood behind the other. The first had her hands crossed over her heart and the person standing closely behind had her hands in a supporting way under the elbows of the person in front. Both would sing their own tune (made up tones, notes, rhythms) and pay attention to what was happening. The funny thing is that the singing of a pair aligns pretty quickly and becomes a harmony and…. the arms of the person in front open up. I ended up being so grateful that I had my hands stretched out, palms up in a gesture that is both giving and receiving.

During the excercise I had some floating issues with the intimacy (it is actually pretty close and intimate) but I was able to let that be and enjoy the excercise and really experience, well, it sounds funny, but the power of love. My heart opened up and it felt like there was this beautiful white light beaming through our hearts, so peaceful and loving. The room changed into a forest and my hands opened up and it felt like a flower unfolding.

Then we shared and the person I did the excercise with said: it felt like we were in a forest, and it was beautiful and light and then when her arms opened it felt like a flower unfolding.

Isn’t that amazing? I cried happy tears when I heard that. There is so much more in the contact between people than is commonly known or spoken about. I’ve experienced before that feelings, dreams and even thoughts communicate without words through senses that I do not know the name of. Is it me? No, I am guessing this happens to everybody but I think not everybody is aware of it or comes in situations where they are able to experience it.

What was big for me is that my heart worked. My heart chakra (?) has been stuck for years and now it opened up and flowed and that was good. Thankful and happy. So many good things happening. Also: I only once of twice did a tiny leap into sadness or blocking the happiness with sad thoughts. I did do a little blocking with being uncomfortable but that washed away in the happiness too.

I go to bed earlier. Because I want it. And even if there’s part of me whining on wanting to finish this movie or that episode. But possibly also because I do not blog in the evening anymore. I’ve set my alarm again. I’ve biked in the nasty weather today for 15 km while I could have easily cancelled.

One thing I am not so proud of: I can not stand to be with certain people anymore. People that I perceive as having a negative energy. Don’t know how to keep it outside me and it scares me. And I can’t read anything that I perceive as whining and moaning or not searching for truth. Not sure if this is another phase in having to deal with projecting my own dark side on others or that I am choosing to live healthier and therefore want to stay away from ‘bad’ people. Or both. If you have an inkling as to how this might work I am happy to hear from you. Happy to hear from you anyway but I still do not imagine people actually read entries that are this long. πŸ˜€

Happy that I quit, although the happy is now moving towards happy that I experience things differently now I quit so the enormously-relieved-that-I-quit feeling is slowly being replaced by the results of the quitting. And so does the pride. Pride comes up ever so now and then when I get an insight in stuff that I knew I would never have been be able to deal with when drinking. And when I get a compliment about having quit.

And before I push the send button just a quick Ctrl-F on the world ‘should’. I counted 9 in total of which 3 unconsciously / outside the ‘should’ paragraphs.

Reading, reading, reading

Yeah, not doing anything but reading, reading, reading. Recovery 2.0 by Tommy Rosen, yeah! Revelation! Happy to have found a book that speaks things that I align with easily and can understand like the importance of being honest to myself and others, about going on a road to meet myself and processing, letting go of, or chucking out all that is not necessary. It is about intuition and ‘feeling my way back into life’ so maybe I should not be surprised that I am so excited. πŸ™‚

I have this idea about my life that unprocessed events, errors in thinking, false hope, dreams, lies, hateful thoughts and all kinds of concepts that I have, have caused me to move away from my true self and from my path. Reading this book overwhelms me with truth. Only reading and understanding the truth and value of this is a spiritual experience.

Not all of it is easy, here I was, thinking things would get easier after 3 months. Well, I guess starting to live the Truth is, well, was going to say; easier but hahaa, NOOOO today it is rather uncomfortable :-D. Overwhelming now these layers, these walls of fear that protected me from me, from the Truth are starting to shake and tumble. Wow. The power that is locked in keeping up these walls is amazing. I guess I want it back to put to good use.

And I now know why there is the word(s): the naked truth. That’s how it feels, holy fuck what a high level of internal discomfort. Brrrrr, no wonder I drank.Β  I wish I had learned earlier in my life to deal with this. I am happy (in a very terrified way) that I have the ability to learn these things now.

Coming to a painful realisation that I could have prevented a lot of shit in my life if I had only listened to my intuition. That is painful because up to now I have lived on blaming the other while I should have taken care of myself. And smashed their heads in… well, sort of… You get the picture.

Did I tell you that Tommy Rosen makes the 12 steps understandable to me (yeah, me). That is NEW in itself. ;-). It works out that feeling your way back into life is EXACTLY what the 12 steps are about. How cool is that? That is like way cool!

I am happy that I quit. I’m running from ‘happy in a normal way because it has been 3 months now’ to ‘happy in a frightened way because of what I am reading, are facing and have to face’ to ‘happy that I finally get to sort stuf out’ to ‘happy that somebody went before me and can tell me’ and finally; happy that I quit and am doing this. The internal possibility of repair of a person is AMAZING. It is all inside, we have to uncover it. And that is without the word ‘just’ because that does not fit there today.

Well, going to read a little more. Have a nice weekend. πŸ™‚

3 Months and 159 posts further

3 Months sober today. πŸ™‚ I think I’ve done well. By now I’m experimenting a little with the level of self-care that I need. I was getting tired of always taking care and continuously thinking of NOT drinking – but I’m guessing that is a dangerous road that needs to be treaded carefully. Washing my face because I have been kissed on the cheek by somebody that oozed alcohol is still a good idea, taking 4 meals a day in order to prevent low blood sugar levels is not necessary anymore because I have stabilized a more.

I don’t worry anymore of going to places where there are people drinking, it has become like not smoking now; I don’t because it is awful.Β  Having said that…. I do have tiny, tiny little thoughts on drinking or impulses so now and then. Specifically at changing scenes that surround leaving a place or event. Most likely this relates to my former drinking behaviour where I would drink 2-3 glasses around people, go home and ‘fill up’. Ieeehks. I am now paying extra attention to entrances and exits.

There is this HALT abbreviation and it says to prevent hunger, anger, loneliness and being tired. For me hunger (low blood sugar levels) and being tired are most dangerous. I don’t get angry easily and loneliness is something that might, I don’t know, have not paid a lot of attention to.

I’ve become more social lately with 2-3 social meetings in a week, sometimes 4. That is a little too much for me. I used to have a friend who had been addicted to soft- and harddrugs. We used to meet for diner in the city and after dinner she would go home immediately because she (said she) was tired. I never understood. Now I do. It takes a hell of a lot more energy to neatly present myself according to my new socially polite standards than it does to drink, let my aura hang loose and say and do whatever I thought was funny. Specifically staying centered, really listening and not pushing my story is something I consciously practice. And yes, that is still in practise phase. (Last night at singing lessons we ran late because I was last on stage πŸ˜€ )

Still not getting on with my life. That worries me. But with what I learn every day I guess, well, that is how it is for now. Small changes are happening, like cleaning the house more often because I see that it is dirty and do not shrink into myself anymore in order to avoid seeing it. There was denial in my housekeeping too. AND do not moan about it to myself anymore because I am (starting to) accept(ed) that I will do what I can do. Also, I am starting to like to sit still and just listen. My cat fell asleep on my lap last week, in all the 4 years that she has lived here she only started to sit on my lap since I quit.

Happy that I quit, a little tired of the work, but I guess I need to up the fun more with social activities and learning on a personal level like singing or theatre and… work (?).

Being sober so far is about The Decision and maintaining it constantly. It is about listening to myself, taking care of EVERY tiny issue before it becomes a big one. It is about shaping the circumstances in which that is doable like eating healthy, getting the right nutrients in, sleeping enough, being with the right people.

And sobriety to me is very much about knowledge too: reading the books and blogs of those who went before us on the sober path and learning from that.

And it is about self-exploration, about being honest to myself in real life; The Middle. The Middle is not very clear yet but it is coming. This is where it was/is difficult to deal because it is about really being and not about the made-up, glorified self I liked to be. Or, on the other extreme; the made-up stupid self I hated to be – or possibly liked because it also prevented me from dealing with what really IS.

Of course being sober is about blogging too :-). The blogging forces me to think about what I am doing and feeling. Now I’ve come to 3 months it is starting to be like a little history too which is somehow cool. It is also about getting to know you, reading about your struggles and triumphs and normal days, knowing that you are out there and that I am not the only one walking this road. That is good. And… of course I am very happy with you reading my blogs, liking posts (yes I like that πŸ™‚ ), commenting, adding, informing me.

Last but not least: sobriety is about becoming my true self while throwing away the rubbish and dealing with the issues that are keeping me away from being aligned with my spirit.

Dream of drinking

Last nights dark shadows do disappear in the light and I am happy for that because even though I know living with them, facing my fears is the only way to leave them behind me, sometimes it can feel like too much. And there is a concept that needs looking into: me thinking that ‘it should all be over’ and not accepting things as they are. I call that my ‘I want it all and I want it now’ streak. Very addicty. Needs looking into.

But not now because I want to blog this dream I had last night. I dreamed I was at school happily studying and my father popped up. He and I have not been in contact for 7 years now. Funny thing is that in my dream he looked exactly as he look(ed) when we were in contact. And I felt exactly how I have always felt and never was aware off: the pull of family and the guarding myself against the next attack on whatever I hold precious in me.

I managed to turn around in time before he saw me and disappear and be safe in the crowds. NEW, normally crowds would pull away and deliver me to him. That kept on going for a while and I was not worried when he finally saw in a corridor of the school. I ran away, knowing he could not follow very quickly because of his recent seizures. There were two buildings in the school, one was old and one was new. I liked the new building better and almost everybody was there. But in running I got lost in a maze of unfamiliar corridors of the old building. OLD: a lot of my dreams have a maze in a building or city and I always lose the way . I thought ‘I need to get out, get to the new building’ and I continued to run and feeling my way out, making decisions on the turns by instinct while in the meantime building up strength in case I would meet my dad. It worked.Β  And that is NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW.

I lost my dad in the maze up in the attic and when I finally came down to the cantina I bought (or stole, not sure) a can of beer because I had deserved it. There was this big internal battle going on that I easily lost, because I had been through so much and succeeded that I was allowed to forget about it. So I took a sip and another one and I thought: ‘You have one chance left: DISLIKE IT NOW!!!!Β΄ and I disliked it and I put it away. NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW. πŸ™‚ And the city changed into Dubai where you are not allowed to drink and all the people on the streets have this Β΄no drinkΒ΄ aura and that made it easier.

IΒ΄m easy with my dreams: I take them face value and sometimes extend just a little when it fits the feeling. So I am scared of my dad but have learned to value myself enough to save me and feel my way out of the misery. Also the dream tells me that I am not ready to face him. And last but not least: I still think / again think that drinking is a good idea but I still had a last trick up my sleeve I had no actual knowledge of – so that comes from deep within and that is good. Very good. And NEW! πŸ™‚

The ‘only’ thing I don’t understand about the dream is the next part where I wanted to get a bus away from the school to make sure my dad would not catch me and demand me to be his daughter, his property. But there were only taxi’s that I found too expensive. Of course those Dubai people had shitloads of money so they did not care. And btw, they were all disapproving man, that irritated me. Both thoughts are OLD as well. Ha, can’t imagine that ever changing. But that is a different subject, or maybe it is the same.

Well, step by step, one day at the time.

Happy that I quit, even though it is difficult to be sober and face what’s flooding back. Today I am not happy because quitting is rewarding, or maybe I should make it rewarding by practising to be happy…. πŸ˜‰ Today I am happy in a not-unhappy way that I am getting to points where things ‘need changing’ and that when I stay sober I don’t have to do these last 2,5 months again. That is a sorry sort of happy but that is ok for now.

Substitute addiction / time to get a move on

It’s my 2 months sober anniversary! πŸ™‚ And after reading Belle’s post this morning I remembered why I never signed up for a 100 challenge day; I thought I needed to get sober for forever. Yes, ‘looking for help’ was not in my dictionary. But I am going to ask help. If all is well I am meeting somebody next Tuesday – not a professional –Β  that I hope is going to help me with my eating pattern and daily life.

I do cheat a little on the trusting ‘not a professional’ because she is a vicars wife and she wants to be a professional in her specialisation and I am the guinea pig. πŸ™‚ But I hope she can help me get on with the practical part of life because I still rather read blogs and blog but that will not bring bread to the table….

So… Reading blogs this morning (while I should actually be doing admin) I came to the post from Greg W who reblogged a post about substitute addiction from which I copied this part:

He writes that the addict in recovery β€œmay maintain potentially magical thinking that the Higher Power will fix him or her without engaging in corrective action…and may try to use rituals of connection to a Higher Power as means to escape from painful feelings.”

Some of you might know that I am not religious but I do really like the spiritual-like insights and experiences that I have ever so now and then. I do not only like the Ahaa Erlebnis but also the relatively easy way it gets me to understand stuff. And even though I sometimes have to dig deep and face a lot of shit, it feels like I don’t really have to work for it. Which is I guess, true-ish. For me it is easier to feel my way through stuff and blog about it then, I don’t know… how do you solve issues? I actually don’t know what the other option is. Well maybe this explains it: it is easier for me to ride a craving and experience what it is trying to tell me, where it comes from and where it wants to take me than actually fighting it.

I know I can’t do the fighting. I would be afraid that I would lose I guess. Alcohol is strong. Do I lack willpower? Yes! No! Don’t know… My willpower has just been trained to say ‘I want to drink!’ And that statement feels very willpowery and convincing and real and true. I only realise that my willpower is fooling me when I get to the last check which is: ‘Does is make me drink?’ Yes -> not good, beware. Can I fight it? I don’t think so. And I do not want to try to fight it because I think I will lose. That scares me. Addiction runs deep.

So I need to find something that does work from my sober tool box. Most of the time that is bringing my thoughts, fears, feelings to the light. Which is ok. It has worked so far. Happy that I quit. But I’ve had so many beautiful insights in my addiction that by now I feel that if I don’t get enlightened at least once a day that I am not really alive. New addiction? Yes, it feels like it because I feel I have become dependent on it. And also no because it has transformational qualities in it. True addictions don’t do transformations do they? It feels like those experiences change my mindset, my cells, my DNA, my view on life and I need that.

To which my inner voice says: ‘Stop shitting yourself, you are addicted to life changing experience, you get bored if you do not experience stuff. And when you get bored your addict starts to speak up and you get to the danger zone. In alcohol you found freedom of the physical boundaries and you forgot what you call ‘the misery that binds you to the earth’. You now crave the explosion of inner freedom that is in the Ahaa experiences.’

😦 True. Or πŸ™‚ True!!! So what now? So that is a wonderful insight and because I am experiencing this totally happy feeling about this conversations with me I can not imagine why I need to do anything about it. πŸ˜€ Gheghegheghe.

And I wrote the below paragraphs before I got the above conversation with myself, now I just can’t see what I was worried about. I actually am high on experience. Wicked! πŸ˜€ While 10 Minutes ago that I was worried and probably should be but I can’t feel it now:

Happy that I quit, not happy with that I am not doing the stuff I need to do. Yesterday I had such a big insight in how I face things that the insight itself gave me a splitting headache and I went back to bed and slept for hours. And I was doing exactly NOT what I should be doing. Which is the same I do now. Again and again and again and again. There is another part where I do not want to be clear. Hiding behind stuff, blog.

Enough thinking, here’s an anniversary song. For all of you that are out there and that are, or ar not on the happy train. Join in, sing along. πŸ™‚

Now that I am reading back what I wrote I realise the intention of not doing stuff and berating me about it. I always seem to need something to keep myself down. (I am thinking ‘attached to the world’?) God forbid I should be genuinely happy and content with myself. Can’t have that now can we?

Yes, we can!! πŸ˜€

Say who was not doing what she needed to do???

Feeling cocky

Yes. That’s it, I have come to another stage in dealing with my addiction and this time it is about feeling cocky.Β  Thinking: if it is this easy I might as well have another sip – see if it really is that bad. No fuss, just drink like a normie and get on with my life.

Not good. I know it is a Big Trap. Happy secretangel got to the subject before I was even aware I had it. πŸ™‚

I am getting curious. Or lazy, or bored, or tired. I feel I put more control on my intentions than needed to, I don’t know, prevent cravings? Suppress drink think? I don’t know. I do something, I call it vigilance, and I use it not to drink. It is a continuous scanning of intentions, thoughts, feelings, wants, likes, dislikes, cravings and actions. I am getting tired of it.

I would like to relax without having the feeling that I relapse in seconds. I fear addiction is this time bomb inside me so parts of me still can’t relax. And because I get tired of that I am trying to diminish the drinking ‘Maybe I was not addicted, maybe I was just a heavy abuser. Didn’t that doctor in the movie say that real addicts only ‘think drink’?’ This is trap 512: how to mis-use knowledge to diminish ones drinking. In combination with trap 45: not realising that these thought only come up because the whole drinking thing is an addiction. I don’t have this thoughts about bell peppers and I have not eaten bell peppers since I quit. So ha! Uncovered those traps.

Shit. I am addicted.

Well, happy that I quit. Proud because of quitting has gone out of the equation a little while ago and has not returned yet. Thinking again that learning to relax is an important thing. And again: learning to trust me. But how can I trust me if I am addicted? Addiction is cunning. I think it is smarter than I am. Look it in the eye I guess, that will show its true character.

And while I try to focus my internal eye on the addicted life I lead I want to turn away. Sad now. The loneliness of it, the sadness, the prison, despair, meaninglessness, emptiness, the illusion, the trap, the drowning of feelings. πŸ™‚ Ghegheghe, I chose my name well. Feelings should not be drowned. Trust my feelings. Aah, again, the focus should not be on ‘not drinking’, the focus should be on living clear. πŸ™‚ That’s it.