Scared shitless

Ha, having 2 meetings today with, ok, semi professionals who I intend to tell my story. I was utterly stoked untill a few moments where I realised that my secrecy also feels like a tool in the toolbox of ‘how I hold myself together’. I am guessing that is a big function of secrecy.

I have 8 minutes and a half an hour bike ride to come up with a another system that keeps me whole.

Naah, stuff it. The keeping whole is not the thing, it might even be dangerous because it causes a thinking that status quo is good. I’ll go with repairing back to secure.

Or haha, maybe, maybe I should not worry about the future because I am not in the future. Let things be. Like… why can it not be so that this is going to be a wonderful meeting? I had not thought of that. And I keep on writing meating instead of meeting so I am guessing I really am scared.

No need. I trust her for who she is, and she’s a vicars wife. Shouldn’t that say something? Or? No matter, I trust her.

Practise: what do I fear? what do I hope? What do I expect?

Fear: total emotional collapse and relapse. I also fear that she will from now on ‘worry’ about me and treat me different and overwhelm me with care.

Hope: Hope? What is that? NO! Not going there! I hope it is a good conversation where I will be able to learn to speak about sobriety and drinking with the first non, ok, semi-professional in my life who knows and deal with what comes with that.

Expect: chaos that I am trying to manage and is uncomfortable.

Now how’s that for doomsday thinking? 🙂 I’ll go with the I trust her and I trust me. And I have not finished my homework so I should be off right now.

I am happy that I quit, ready to make a next step. Wish me luck! Have a nice day!

xx Feeling

Trip down memory lane

Yeah! We did the twin memory game today. A friend bought it. It was marvellous! 🙂 It is actually pretty difficult because the twins look alike but are not the same. And wow! it is so much easier to remember faces than the other memory game we played ‘fake for real‘ or the colours of this online game. Had a good day, won big time :-).

Can’t get Unpickleds post on urinating off-target out of my head. It brings back memories. And not so much the drunk memories, more the ‘how did it come about memories’.  😦

There was a neighbour, he had kids. The eldest boy was 3 years older than I was, that is big in those years. He liked to play with me. I can’t remember what happened. I do remember sitting on my bike and forcing myself to forget what took place. My privates hurt badly because I had fallen down on the saddle point and I remember thinking ‘just like …..’ and I remember being so hurt and ashamed that I literally forced myself not to remember. Yes, Dutch people do everything on their bike, also forcefully erasing their memory at age 5 or 6. :-/ I would not even believe it was possible if I had not done it myself.

Well, he liked to play. I guess I must have gone along with it at some stage because my mother once told me she found us running around naked having a good time. I do remember a time where I did not go along and locked myself in my bedroom. Neighbour boy and brother where banging on the door. I was so scared that I did not dare to move, unlock the door or go out but I had to pee badly. So I peed in the corner of the cupboard. Being a kid you can easily think that nobody will ever notice. :-/

Years later, whenever I was drunk, like way-over-the-top-drunk-not-knowing-what-I-would-do, I would find myself a cupboard and try to pee. That would be in front of other people who would then direct me to the toilet.

My brother is coming this Friday. I do not dare to ask what happened. I once tried to tell him how afraid I was then and he laughed it off and said that I was the one that was happily playing along.

If that were the case that would be fine to me. I mean, kids do have ‘sexual’ feelings. NO, not saying that they want sex or should have or whatever. Just saying that they have sexual feelings and I think it is funny that people want to deny that. Again, not saying that they should have sex or that it is ok, just that it is there. I remember falling in love at the age of 4 and wanting to kiss and kuddle. And I remember being curious. Kids are curious and do play ‘doctor’, nothing wrong with it as long as it is not forced upon somebody. But I don’t remember what happened and it does not feel good.

I do remember being so afraid of him that I almost glued myself to him in a principle that I later recognised as ‘rather get into a bad relation than be alone and raped’. But that feeling of ‘how that works’ was already there at a very young age.

This neighbour guy was the same guy that would beat me up when I went to school. He would be waiting for me in an alley we had to go through. Going to school on your own age 5 was very normal in that time. That’s one of the reasons he got away with it. I would be so scared that I could not move and he kept on hitting and punching me. But it was not the physical harm that did it, what he did is try to punch inferiority in me. The hate and despise in his eyes were enourmous. I can still feel it. I remember thinking ‘what have I done to deserve that hate?’ He succeeded. How’s that for a first relation with men? 😦

I was not a sissy, I have been known to attack 4 older guys at once because they got to my brother. And they took off and never tried again. But that’s the whole deal. I can do it for somebody else but not for me.

It took weeks of beatings to reach yes, you can call it rock-bottom; to get over my feeling of inferiority and shame and I finally, finally tell my mother. I remember being so ashamed that I did not dare to but I also felt I could not live any longer if I did not go away. Looking back I think I must have frustrated my mother with the unclarity of my speech. She told me I had to solve my own issues, get over to his house and tell him that I did not like that he hit me.

And I am beginning to understand why I generally do things on my own.

I just want things to be over

This is how I started of this evening: there is not way I can put this into a story and try to hide my ignorance or stupidity or whatever. So here it is: can anybody tell me why alcohol dependency is not like smoking?

I smoked, I quit, I never looked back.

I drank, I quit, and what now?

I want stuff to be over, I don’t want to be going through life every day struggling with myself. I am tired. I want things to be over. I don’t even ‘want it all’ anymore, just a little. But now. I just want to be, I don’t know? Normal! Not feel this shitload of shit.

I want to be normal. Not all over the place and difficult, oeeeeh, difficult. And I had written a whole lot of normal things but here I have done some editing on what my sad idea of normal looks like today. The nicest thing was: I just want to be able to have a meaningless relation too, bicker and fight and keep each other down and put blame on the other and think that that’s it fo the rest of the time. Blablabla – edit, edit, edit. Pfffff. I know it is not nice and it might even be hurtful. But it is what I am going through and I want this to be an honest document, including the very nasty parts of me. I feel like I can not and do not want to carry the responsibility to be nice about this and do justice to people. And I can say sorry, but there is nothing to base that on. This is where I show addict behaviour in my own eyes. 😦 Please love me while I know I am unlovable.

I thought it was impossible to stop drinking, that’s what kept me so long. With the same conviction I thought that relations are meant to be bad and hurtful. Well, Feeling, whether you think you can’t or you think you can, you are right. And…. moving from depression over to omnipotence. How convenient. :-/

My neighbours have 3 kids, the eldest is 11, he beats his younger sisters to pulp. The parents don’t do anything about it. And here I am feeling miserable about it. Why not them? Why am I scared to start a relationship, scared to get stuck, scared to be at the receiving end of somebodies viciousness or carelessness again. Eh, well, there is your answer… But why don’t other people mind? They say that people with certain dependencies look each other up naturally. I have that with people with bad relationships. Some people say I am too critical, those that do have or had shitty relations with loads of contempt for each other and me. I don’t want to be in a relation with contempt.  I have lived in the clouds of contempt of my parents. There was no escaping it, and no way, just no way I can every go back there. And I realise now that I expect relations to be like that. Have lived in that expectation all my life.

Feeling sorry for myself for the wrong reasons I guess. I don’t know. I’m just so emotional today. I am tired of having to keep my guard up. Of, I don’t know, not of being sober, being sober is good. But I am tired of the work I am doing for it and the things I feel I need to let go.

And I don’t feel I have the right to be tired or sad. I saw this homeless man this morning, he was pushing hit empty shopping car, bewildered, he was loosing it, he had lost it. It was pouring down. He was soaking wet. Until that moment I was happily singing ‘morning has broken’ on my bike, getting all wet, not caring because I had a warm home and a cat to turn back to. I have been reading The Realm of the Hungry Ghost by Gabor Maté and he gives an insight in the world of seriously addicted, homeless people. Normally I would not look at a homeless person unless they are selling the homeless paper. Today I felt so, so spoiled and so sorry for the man. And so lost, very much lost.

What is wrong with this society that the village idiot has become a homeless addict? Homeless addicts, multiple. Where children grow up watching more television than hours they go to school? Where ketchup is considered to be a vegetable serving. Ebola vaccines contain RFID chips. Where am I supposed to live? To go, to feel safe and sane? Good that it was pouring down so no need to feel awkward about the tears.

How come I feel I have to do everything myself? Ooh, well, I know! I do! But why?! Why don’t I trust people. Why can’t I just for once lean on somebody? Somebody else than a professional that is?

So what happened? Why am I lashing out again, blaming the world? I had hoped that was behind me. Life happened. I went to the sauna yesterday. Low and behold I met up with this blond version of Tarzan, he’s about 50 so he’s not a young blond god, he is an elderly blond god, so to say, with a beautiful natural body and good posture that said ‘joy, happiness, being at ease’. And no, the sauna is NOT a pick up place, well, gay sauna’s are, but this is a normal wellness centre, nothing funny about it. And I just happen to speak with people everywhere I go, male and female. I only mention the conversations that are exceptional.

This conversation lasted a long, and because it is a sauna the godlyness of somebody is rather out in the open. But that does not change much for me because due to my profession I can see through clothing anyhow. And if you and I are ever to meet: don’t worry about that because if you can see through everything, everything becomes very boring and uninteresting. Not to insult you upfront, but just. Pffff, complicated. Can of worms.

Well, no matter the godlyness, he was a really nice guy. We spoke 1 and a half hour and he seemed very much in contact with his emotions – without the disclaimer’ for a guy’- and was relaxed and intelligent. I am not asking for more, he could have been goddamn ugly for all I care. That would have even suited me better because I am and that would feel to be more of a match.

So what happened? We spoke and we spoke. And now there’s a thing that is a bit funny in the sauna, because we were both naked, there is not really another place to look than in each others face and eyes. And in order to do that you (I, everybody) really need to turn off anything else but genuine interest in the person and the conversation. Unless I want to be impolite and stare a the grass or the shrubs, or worst….. Which is very, very NOT DONE. Making moves in the sauna is also very, very NOT DONE. Yeah, cloths are easier, but being naked does make people more vulnerable and there is a good thing in that too.  FYI: all the relationship interest that got into this story has been added later. It is only after I left I felt that we had gotten connected.

We had been in a special sauna ritual together and the second one was coming up 1,5 hours after we started talking. He was thinking I would be in there as well. But I remembered that things were not that easy in early sobriety so I parted saying that I was ‘not feeling like it’. Which is stupid! What’s wrong with ‘I need to eat.’? He was a little confused and took a second to re-adjust and I noticed what I had just broken and wanted to hold on. But I did not, I got scared. Suddenly I realised that his reaction was more than I could handle right now and we parted. He said;  ‘I’ll see you after?’ And I said yes and walked off.

I went, got something to eat in the restaurant and noticed how my centering was totally off. Not sure what but it felt like my centre was trying to get out to be with him. There was this immense force pulling at my heart that was trying to break out of its cave to fly out, be together. And I did not. Because I was all out of whack from this meeting alone. And I thought: Now there is something I can not handle. Not now, possibly not ever.

I did go back later, 1,5 hours later to do the 3rd sauna ritual but he was not there.

The movie 28 Days says: take at least 2 years of sobriety before you start getting involved or even fall in love. First have a plant, if the plant lives, have a pet, if the pet lives, you might want to try finding a partner. I now know why.

I know his first name. I know where he works. He knows the same about me. And I am confused. I think I did the right thing but it is exactly what I do not want to give up.

So I threw an I-Tjing oracle and it is exactly the same as last 2 times I considered it. Which is a chance of 1 in about 260.000. It still says that I have accomplished something big, and am on the good road. Then it continuous on the circle of life. Life starts every day again, anew. The big thing I did is good, but it is just another step. The extra tip this time, in the question ‘Should I contact him?’ is: don’t speed, show restraint because that will give you time to develop the strength you need.

And I guess that is indeed true. Don’t want to fly in head (and heart) first like I always do. Learn to stay centered in contact is a  GOOD THING. And much needed. Pfffff.

And so another day ended. I did do other stuff than moan about life. I spend 2 hours on repairing an item for my elderly neighbour that had been cat-sitting last week when I was out. And I went to see GP3.

I learned that all that is bad, just is. As all that is good, just is. That I still carry the hurt of my parents marriage around and do not believe things can be different. That I have probably relived their relation myself in order to fix it. That I do not want to go there anymore but that means that I need to change my views and expectations. Expectations are sort of a recipe for life. I need to let go of the hurt, look it in the eye and the hurt says: you needed me to be pissed at guys, to despise them, so you do not have to feel your fear and you do not have to mend your broken heart. And my heart starts crying and says ‘But I am broken, how can I heal?’ and the answer is ‘Just heal, you have it in you. You have quit.  That is amongst others just a thing that needed to be done. You saw it could be done. That is how you can heal. Just, just heal. Have faith’. And my heart wants to be healed, and function like a real heart with courage and love and happiness and in sync with the world. So it does heal, right here, right now we start to heal. And so it is written. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that I can hear my internal voice again. I just want to tell you all that this is because I stopped drinking. Isn’t that cool? Today I have changed a view I never even knew that was a view, I thought it was the truth. Sobriety is good.

Extensive blood test ok!

And another one in the series of ‘good news’; the extra ultra extensive blood test that has been done has is OK. Just a little high on the bad cholesterol and the potassium but nothing to worry about. They say the high Potassium could also come from the fact that I had to sit with this band around my arm for a long long time to get all the blood out. But I blame it on the Celtic salt I use which contains a lot of Potassium. Also; the real Potassium level of a body is difficult to determine in blood because the bandwidth is so small that the body will deplete every stock in the body in order to keep the blood level good. Bad Potassium levels influence the heart rhythm immediately. People with a longstanding history of drinking alcohol and not eating (their veggies or Celtic salt) typically have a low level of Potassium.

And… I would not be surprised that the standard for ‘good Potassium levels’ have been set AFTER the worldwide introduction of table salt which does not contain any Potassium at all (and is therefore bad, bad, bad).

I’m not going to worry about the cholesterol, that will work itself out. Need to read up on it because the whole ‘saturated fat is bad, it makes you fat and gives you heart diseases’ is not true. Sugar causes inflammation in the arteries and that causes heart diseases.  So I am confident that it will work itself out in a little while since I don’t drink alcohol and do not eat sugar anymore.  And excercise…

And now, will I be finishing of my stop-drinking-alcohol-the-nutrients-approach with taking extra nutrients? currently I am only taking multivitamin, omega 3 and kelp every second or third day. The kelp is because the Celtic salt contains little Iodine. Right now think I will take a half or a quarter of the dose of everything of the alcohol detox mix and then to continue with the anxiety/stress, memory and hypoglycemia mix. There is this thing where I don’t feel safe if I don’t do this. While actually I don’t have alcohol cravings and very few alcohol thoughts. I do have sugar cravings, even though I was very low on sugar anyhow. Today I ate 7 raisins. I feel like I cheated, it is like taking 7 drops of alcohol because of the alcohol…

Can hear my brother say in my head now: ‘You don’t need pills for hypoglycemia, you need them for insanity. 7 Raisins, yeah, ooooooooh, BAD!!!’

What I am curious about is how the part of ‘addiction is searching the solution from the outside’ comes up in here. I am guessing that my not really feeling ‘safe’ while I actually have no cravings has to do with the thought that quitting alcohol should be really difficult and hard and almost impossible. It has not been that way for me. But… they say quitting is not the hard part, staying quit is the difficulty. I would not know, I am not there.

Why is it that I lose trust in me now things work out to be easy and even in the extensive blood test there is no damage to be found? I guess it is because I actually feel like a phony. The mess I was in when I drank and now finding out how easy it finally was. It wasn’t about heroically fighting a dragon for days on end, hanging on to life and then finally winning in a last act of heroism. It was about letting go of a fake idea of good. I scare me a little because I keep on thinking that I must go flat on my face because this can’t be true. Well, got the time to proof me if The Plan is going to lead to A Job (or not?!).

And on the other hand, I did a lot of the quitting work before hand. Most of the goodbyes have been said before I actually quit. I think that really helped. I copied that method from Allan Carr’s book on quitting with smoking. He ‘allows’ the reader to smoke while reading the book so the anxiety of quitting does not interfere with their intelligence. I did that with reading up on alcohol AND starting with the home googled nutrient approach I developed for myself and the no sugar, no smoking, eating healthy part.

And….. being happy. Being happy is the strongest anti-dote to being unhappy. Which is a load of BS, but if works, it works. Happy that I quit. Do feel like I need to get a move on. Proud is out of the picture. Content is not happening because I have been writing here instead of doing yoga.

Have a nice day / evening!

4,5Kg, no wonder I am tired

Hmmm, lost 4,5Kg in total in 1 month. No wonder I am tired.

And that means that I should be paying extra attention to nutrition because fat stores all kind of poisons. When I lose fat the poisons start floating through the body, reach the liver and the liver says; Oh ooh, those are poisons I can’t break down, lets use fat to store them in. And this cycle will continue unless I give the liver vitamin A, E, protein and a whole lot of other stuff so it can make the poisons water-soluble. That is why it is so important to detox before loosing weight, otherwise the liver will work against loosing weight.

More on that in the beautiful, wholesome, very informative YouTube video’s of Barbara O’Neill. Please note: she sometimes does say funny stuff. And the acid-alkaline story is more logical from Eric Berg. Eric Berg has a theory that, fat stores in different places in a body depending on  which gland functions worst. People with a week gland x store it at the belly, people with a week gland y store it at the chest and hips etc. I’ve got the book :-D. He knows a hell of a lot on glands and hormones but is a bit funny when it comes to handing our recipes; do everything ecological – but buy your salad dressing. A big why? immediately springs to my mind.

I’m sort of done with the studying and sorting it all out by myself. I guess that is the price I pay. I my mother would be alive I think she would see that this ‘wanna do it myself!’ is not new. Guess there is another thinking about trust cycle coming up.

Happy that I quit, still a little too tired to be proud but happy that I am loosing weight too. 🙂

Wow! Gabor Maté

Got a tip on Gabor Maté so I looked him up on youtube. Happy now. I am happy that I quit and happy that I did this outside the regular care systems because it HAS stimulated my self-healing power and that WAS why I did it. And it IS exactly what I need. Maté confirms the importance of the self healing power. 🙂 Happy now.

Yes, I am happy with this confirmation. Why? Because I no matter how well I think I am doing, I (either project or) get these looks of ‘Hmmm, let’s wait and see how this turns out.’ And: ‘Watch out with being happy, happiness will make you overly confident and that will get you on the booze in no time.’

I feel very intensely that what I am doing is right, but I have never ever walked this terrain, I do look for support. But ‘watch out for happiness?’ I get confused and it hurts me because it is so, I don’t even know the word, that whole thought is wrong in its core, corrupting of what healing really is, of what people really, really need. Its emptiness in itself is indicative for this society and they way we treat each other, the way we raise our kids, the emptiness I have been trying to fill with beer. Well, that did not work. So now I try a different approach.

If I would have believed that happiness will get me on the booze immediately I would be now. Because I would have fallen into the biggest trap of addiction: the thought that I can never be free. I am free of alcohol. I am not free of all the damage it has done to my body, my mind and my spirit. But people heal. And that is what I intend to do because that is what I must do.

I am HAPPY that I quit! And HAPPY to have found somebody who has walked this path before and knows the grounds. Very HAPPY and PROUD that I looked around the corner in order to find ways of healing myself, learn from people who know their shit.

And guess what? He’s addicted to buying books when he’s in a shitty mood  in order to stimulate (control) is his personal growth 😉

Does reading magazines count?

Does reading magazines to see if you need to throw them out count as cleaning?

I always amaze myself with what I did not get done. I’m going to keep a timetable, see where time takes of to.

This was how my plan worked out, or, did not work out.

DONE

– Reading Seven weeks to sobriety.

– Then when I get cold I’ll shower and eat.

– Get my vitamins in, have been neglecting that.

– Call girlfriends, make appointments for the week.

– Clean the kitchen, livingroom and bedroom.

– Add: enjoy what you are doing and relax. I have added: don’t feel ‘in repair’, no need to hold back but that did not work very well yet.

NOT DONE

– food shopping. I need to do that because now I don’t drink anymore my food cravings are gone I forget to eat. This morning at 12:00 I noticed I had not eaten since 16:00 hours yesterday because I my arms suddenly started trembling and I got dizzy. Truth be said that yesterday’s meal was a very full load of lentil salad with vegetables, 3 spoons of olive oil and 60 grams of feta. Need to sort out that hypoglycemia stuff. Both my granddads had it, my brother has it bad and a niece of mine has diabetes. The book says hypoglycemia makes you extra vulnerable for alcohol addiction.

Thinking of a good plan: get regular sleeping hours and regular eating hours. I used to not be able to plan any food during the day because my cravings for different foods would send me everywhere. That is not the case anymore so in theory I could actually plan meals. In theory. Hmmm. One of my sober hopes / plans was to cook more elaborately. Wednesday I can cook to my hearts desire: 7 crochet girls coming over for dinner. That makes 8 mouths to feed, some vegetarian, some pescetarians and some regular. Prefab food is very much ‘not done’.

– Add: planning a date to make the plan to present the GP3. I did think about the planning during cleaning but I decided I could not decide what nutrient road to take if I do not also have the 2nd book I have ordered on this. Not sure if GP3 wants to see me anyhow. She asked if she needed to do active follow-up. I said no. Why, because I feel I’m ok. I also said that I would contact her if it was not ok. I do trust myself in that. In dealing with GP’s and other care takers I keep on wondering: would I trust me saying this? Would I trust an addicted person in saying ‘I don’t need you to follow me, I’ll come back myself’. I guess I would not, I do trust myself but because of the stigma’s and what have you I would not trust any other. Well, whom do I trust :-).

This imagined distrust that I project on everybody else puts a lot of fear and distrust of myself in me. It immediately gives a ‘see, can’t do anything right, might as well drink’ reaction. Little children in movies have that reaction when they told off about something they did not do. Would that be what makes dealing with addicted people so difficult? Unpredictable? I find in my life it is not helpful to see myself as an addict or alcoholic because of the stigma’s. It puts me down, it says; there is no way out for you, you will always be this and it is bad. While if I don’t think about it and just to my road to repairing me and having fun, I am doing very well.

Away with the thinking! My new sleep and eat plan:

To bed between 22:00 and 23:30 hours.

Wake up before 8:30 (pushing it here and now, need my sleep, internal voice: ‘Well if you need your sleep you go to bed EARLIER!’ Shut up, this is it for this week.)

Breakfast: no later than 9:30

Lunch: no later than 14:00

Dinner: no later than 19:00. Oooh, 19:00 is not going to work, know that already. But it will be if I keep on pushing the wake up time back to 5:00 where I would like to end. The best years of my life I woke up at 5:00 in the morning, went to bed at 21:00 hours, mostly to not be witness to the fights my parents had. And how’s that for setting myself up to fail with impossible planning? And even then, I still think I can do this. Relax, breathe, drink water.

– Mailed Health Recovery Shop of the book I am reading to see if they ship their nutrients to Europe. I can work it all out myself here but why? They obviously know their shit.

– Make a Bach remedy cocktail focussed on getting stuff done and moving away from the feeling that I am ‘still ill’ and ‘need to be carefull’.

ADDED IN BETWEEN

– Clean up bag of Celtic salt, check for tiny stones and put into 10 smaller jars.

– Clean juicer thoroughly

– Pat cat, lots of cat patting

– Write and read blogs – this takes a lot of time.

– Read magazines to see if I could chuck them out. Yes, I could.

– Cut old candles into pieces to add to new candles

– Do laundry

– Take out garbage, speak with neighbours

– Check facebook, check other fun websites for movies

Well, need to go do some shopping. Happy that I quit. Proud of it. Noticing that getting back into living and doing stuff is more difficult than not drinking. That is actually strange. Or not? I thought I was just getting rid of some of the crazy and here it is saying ‘Hi! I’m back!’.