Got a tip on Gabor Maté so I looked him up on youtube. Happy now. I am happy that I quit and happy that I did this outside the regular care systems because it HAS stimulated my self-healing power and that WAS why I did it. And it IS exactly what I need. Maté confirms the importance of the self healing power. 🙂 Happy now.
Yes, I am happy with this confirmation. Why? Because I no matter how well I think I am doing, I (either project or) get these looks of ‘Hmmm, let’s wait and see how this turns out.’ And: ‘Watch out with being happy, happiness will make you overly confident and that will get you on the booze in no time.’
I feel very intensely that what I am doing is right, but I have never ever walked this terrain, I do look for support. But ‘watch out for happiness?’ I get confused and it hurts me because it is so, I don’t even know the word, that whole thought is wrong in its core, corrupting of what healing really is, of what people really, really need. Its emptiness in itself is indicative for this society and they way we treat each other, the way we raise our kids, the emptiness I have been trying to fill with beer. Well, that did not work. So now I try a different approach.
If I would have believed that happiness will get me on the booze immediately I would be now. Because I would have fallen into the biggest trap of addiction: the thought that I can never be free. I am free of alcohol. I am not free of all the damage it has done to my body, my mind and my spirit. But people heal. And that is what I intend to do because that is what I must do.
I am HAPPY that I quit! And HAPPY to have found somebody who has walked this path before and knows the grounds. Very HAPPY and PROUD that I looked around the corner in order to find ways of healing myself, learn from people who know their shit.
And guess what? He’s addicted to buying books when he’s in a shitty mood in order to stimulate (control) is his personal growth 😉