Why don’t I trust myself?

I’ve been out in the sober world for about 2 weeks now and I’m still sort of hiding in my home, curtains closed, not doing stuff. Why don’t I trust myself? If I read other bloggers about their first days it has been agony and that they have been white knuckling it. I don’t even know the meaning of those words. No agony here, pain about old stuff, but no booze agony, 3-5 Half thoughts about alcohol intake a day max. I think it has a lot to do with my eating pattern and the time that I have to sort myself out, and probably also the homeopathic stuff and Bach remedies I take. But still I don’t trust myself, think I am ‘in repair’. Why? Well I need repairing, but I always have been in need of repairing. I’m in a better place than I have been for years. What’s wrong?

AA and all kinds of programs tell you (me!) that addiction is a disease that can not be cured and that thought leaves me limp. I am still fighting with that idea because I very much dislike it.  One can call that ‘power issue’ and ‘not willing to be powerless’ but the guy thinking up the ‘you should be powerless’ is the same guy that did the 13th step over and over again on new female recruits. So how much am I going to trust a fruit from his tree?

For those readers that are at the tip of their chair going: she is slipping, not following the path…. I don’t think I am. Alcohol is a poison. People that voluntarily drink are either misinformed or very stupid. (Hear, hear 🙂 ) Not going back there. I keep having the feeling that I need to prove stuff. I’m ok. I’m ok-er than I have ever been in my life.

So I Googled for alternatives some and I found this: http://www.alternatives-for-alcoholism.com/  They say alcoholism is (also) a brain disease and can be cured by eating healthy. Somehow I have difficulty trusting this, but that is the part that says I’m gonna be sick forever and dangerous and whoohooooo. I don’t want that. And I have experienced that eating healthy helps me fantastically so I’m gonna sleep on it and tomorrow I’ll check out if I want to buy her book. Also, the physical aspects that she mentions coincide with my history of diseases. On the other hand: who in this world is not addicted to sugar and caffeine (FYI I’m not anymore) She talks of child abuse as a factor that damages childrens brains.

About the book; I’ve been saving the non-drinking money to spend on me.  Actually I think that books on recovery should be coming from my normal account, not from my little special savings account. But since I do not trust it a 100% yet I think it is frivolous to buy these. 🙂 Spoken like a true, true, yeah, I know where the gene is coming from. 😉

Inconspicious jump: Did I tell you I stopped on the 7th ‘anniversary’ of my mothers dying day? Do you call that an anniversary too when somebody died? It sounds way more festive than it was. She asked me on her deathbed to ‘go easy on the beer’. It was her dying wish. I said;  ‘That will work itself out.’

A few days before, on her birthday I had lost it completely and drank like 6 pints on my own, in their house, while they suddenly ran of to the hospital for an emergency. I made photo’s of the whole house and garden because I felt that all of it would be gone soon. Also, I thought  they would be staying at the hospital. I just could not handle any of it anymore. And than they came back and I did not want to look drunk of course. So I geared myself up internally and think I managed to get by. Apart from the fact that I drank the whole stock of beer and they will have noticed that afterwards.

During that evening I massaged my mothers feet and discovered on feel every place on her feet where the chemo had killed her nerves. Those places felt dead, dead as in really dead, part of her body already was dead tissue but I do not know if that counted for the nerves as well, the skin ‘did not respond’ to my touch. I did not know it is possible to feel the difference between dead and alive because I have never touched a dead person. I had touched dead animals but those are in another ‘box’ in my head. I had never thought that dead is so, universal.

She actually already had a lot of dead tissue inside her but I’m not sure if this can count for nerves as well. By the time that they found out I had drunk the whole stock of beer I must have scared the shit out of them, being wasted, still talking ok, walking ok and feeling things nobody should be able to feel even if they were sober. I was very ashamed. Still do. We never spoke about it but 10 days later I got asked to ‘take it easy on the beer’. Well, I think I know she knew that I was addicted. BS. She knew. And as you might have noticed I did not promise her anything. Didn’t want her to rule over her grave. YES!!! YES!!! Sorry to say so. 😦 I thought: ‘I agree. And you should have ruled before you died, don’t come after me now.’

And this people, is how to end a story on a low. 🙂

But hey, I am happy that I quit and reminding me of that thought makes me all happy inside, confident of the fact that I do know what is good for me, that, now I finally live by my own judgement, I am doing well. In fact that is the only change that I made, finally trusting in my own judgement. The rest is just, practise in doing that. I will practise. I do trust myself.

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4 thoughts on “Why don’t I trust myself?

  1. Have you gone to AA. The actual program is much less significant that the meeting.
    It is a place of truth and community. Where you may feel the connection between you and others in away that makes you feel less alone.
    It’s worth a visit.

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    • 🙂 Thank you for cor comment Ainsobriety. I have been thinking about it. And I had plans. And more ‘reasons’ not to. I’m not sure about the AA and me yet, but I have decided that I should give it a serious try before I make a decision about AA.

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      • I was absolutely against it before I went. I had lots of reasons too.
        It’s not my answer, but I find the more open minded in am the more successful I am.

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      • Thank you for your reply. I see that there is a possibility that I keep walking on familiar paths that, haha, have proven to be unsuccesful otherwise I would not be here. I’m going to take my time with this. My old GP said ‘nothing you don’t want and everything at your time’ that is actually exactly what kept me ‘in’. 🙂

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