Trip down memory lane

Yeah! We did the twin memory game today. A friend bought it. It was marvellous! 🙂 It is actually pretty difficult because the twins look alike but are not the same. And wow! it is so much easier to remember faces than the other memory game we played ‘fake for real‘ or the colours of this online game. Had a good day, won big time :-).

Can’t get Unpickleds post on urinating off-target out of my head. It brings back memories. And not so much the drunk memories, more the ‘how did it come about memories’.  😦

There was a neighbour, he had kids. The eldest boy was 3 years older than I was, that is big in those years. He liked to play with me. I can’t remember what happened. I do remember sitting on my bike and forcing myself to forget what took place. My privates hurt badly because I had fallen down on the saddle point and I remember thinking ‘just like …..’ and I remember being so hurt and ashamed that I literally forced myself not to remember. Yes, Dutch people do everything on their bike, also forcefully erasing their memory at age 5 or 6. :-/ I would not even believe it was possible if I had not done it myself.

Well, he liked to play. I guess I must have gone along with it at some stage because my mother once told me she found us running around naked having a good time. I do remember a time where I did not go along and locked myself in my bedroom. Neighbour boy and brother where banging on the door. I was so scared that I did not dare to move, unlock the door or go out but I had to pee badly. So I peed in the corner of the cupboard. Being a kid you can easily think that nobody will ever notice. :-/

Years later, whenever I was drunk, like way-over-the-top-drunk-not-knowing-what-I-would-do, I would find myself a cupboard and try to pee. That would be in front of other people who would then direct me to the toilet.

My brother is coming this Friday. I do not dare to ask what happened. I once tried to tell him how afraid I was then and he laughed it off and said that I was the one that was happily playing along.

If that were the case that would be fine to me. I mean, kids do have ‘sexual’ feelings. NO, not saying that they want sex or should have or whatever. Just saying that they have sexual feelings and I think it is funny that people want to deny that. Again, not saying that they should have sex or that it is ok, just that it is there. I remember falling in love at the age of 4 and wanting to kiss and kuddle. And I remember being curious. Kids are curious and do play ‘doctor’, nothing wrong with it as long as it is not forced upon somebody. But I don’t remember what happened and it does not feel good.

I do remember being so afraid of him that I almost glued myself to him in a principle that I later recognised as ‘rather get into a bad relation than be alone and raped’. But that feeling of ‘how that works’ was already there at a very young age.

This neighbour guy was the same guy that would beat me up when I went to school. He would be waiting for me in an alley we had to go through. Going to school on your own age 5 was very normal in that time. That’s one of the reasons he got away with it. I would be so scared that I could not move and he kept on hitting and punching me. But it was not the physical harm that did it, what he did is try to punch inferiority in me. The hate and despise in his eyes were enourmous. I can still feel it. I remember thinking ‘what have I done to deserve that hate?’ He succeeded. How’s that for a first relation with men? 😦

I was not a sissy, I have been known to attack 4 older guys at once because they got to my brother. And they took off and never tried again. But that’s the whole deal. I can do it for somebody else but not for me.

It took weeks of beatings to reach yes, you can call it rock-bottom; to get over my feeling of inferiority and shame and I finally, finally tell my mother. I remember being so ashamed that I did not dare to but I also felt I could not live any longer if I did not go away. Looking back I think I must have frustrated my mother with the unclarity of my speech. She told me I had to solve my own issues, get over to his house and tell him that I did not like that he hit me.

And I am beginning to understand why I generally do things on my own.

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4 thoughts on “Trip down memory lane

  1. My heart aches to hear of all this childhood pain and confusion. Many, many alcoholics have a history of childhood trauma – and what you describe is traumatic, even if others have tried to convince you that it was normal “kidstuff”. You have carried this burden alone for far too long. It is great that you’ve identified it as a root of pain and venting your truth here – that is a fantastic start to setting yourself free from the legacy of shame and hurt. You’ve taken back your power by wrestling yourself from addiction’s clutch. I found that working with a counsellor really helped me reframe my thinking and release those old wounds, bringing a peace that I wish for you as well my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Unpickled. 🙂 Thank you for reading and for your comment. I have been in therapy for half of my life, but I never considered this ‘worth mentioning’ (?) Even though these and other painfull situations have been, I would say ‘walking beside me’ all my life. It sounds funny but that is what they did. It is now that the booze is gone that things trigger the memories and they step right in front of me. I am 44 but boys of that age still scare me into a complete freeze 😦 Yes. Therapy time again. 🙂 Thank you,
      xx Feeling

      Liked by 2 people

  2. The Clarity we experience is freeing, physically, emotionally and spiritually that is for sure, but I too have found a freeing mentally as well, with experiences long ago buried surfacing and waiting their turn. I am so sorry you had to go through all of these painful situations with that boy, you were so brave, and still are. And I feel for the little you and the grownup you. Hugs. But you are already ahead in facing these demons these experiences left behind because you are recognizing them and are willing to talk about them. That’s awesome. 🙂
    Love and light to you.
    Phoenix
    http://www.shadowashspiritflame.wordpress.com

    Like

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