Life slowly returns to, well, what?

Life slowly returns to pre-ultra-active addiction phase. I am working at the level I did before I got into active addiction. And something is bugging me so I ask myself:

What would a woman who loves herself do? She would clean the room. 13:57 – 14:30 hours

I thought I could continue to write but ask myself: What would a woman who loves herself do and she would call a friend and ask for advice. Did so. Now I am back to the computer. And the sun is coming out. I need to change the mode I am in, not hang around here. Work is overwhelming. The external consultants think the deadline for the audit I am preparing for is not feasible but my boss is not happy to change it. I feel like I am being set up for failure. But pushing the audit out a few months, 3 would be reasonable, makes it so that it is after the end of my contract. So I feel I can not bring that up. Also, I feel that I am not making enough money for the responsibilities I have been given. Making double the amount would not at all be strange, I did not pay enough attention when applying, thought is would all be less difficult. I specifically do not make enough for the way I fill in the requirements for the function. But I feel I am in this tight spot where I say: “I am very good, do not earn enough, but I am not meeting the requirements and need more money and more time.” I have difficulty doing so. Don’t know how to deal.

Next thing: I think and fear the external consultant is gas lighting me to sabotage the project. The project is very extensive, includes a manual requirements for procedures to be set in place which is 200 page long. Those are only the descriptions. Each sentence can mean a day of work to get the procedure in place. They say it takes about 3 years to know the whole process. The consultant is helping but he does not give boundaries and priorities. He also contradicted himself the other day on a point where 2 weeks earlier he had said was ‘on of the most important procedures’ to show ‘we’ve got this system up and running for at least a few months’ while now he said ‘no need to do so’ and ‘go make those drawings’ (which in my eyes are of little importance) of which he says ‘well, everything needs to be done, this too’.

It brings me trouble because I do not want to work like I am checking a person and keeping a record. But he probably is. And the details are so many that I can not see through them anyhow so… Nasty.

And I need to keep sober. Not that I think drinking will solve anything but that is the person now who can, but only just, take care of me. If this continues there comes a time that I do not want to take care of me and that I want to forget and not feel.

I rewrote my ‘About‘ page today. Should have kept a copy of the old. Did not. The new page says that:

I compare being sober with a pressure cooker: I would build up pressure because of not/underdeveloped life skills, experienced pain and stress followed by ineffective coping techniques, then I would drink to let the steam off. Obviously the way to let steam off only got me into more trouble but it took me to age 44 while to find that out. In sobriety I think I need to:

1 learn to not build up steam and
2 let go of it differently.

I need to learn to not build up steam too much. I thought I did so by leaving my former job and looking for a new one. I guess I underestimated the level of overwhelm that this project brings. If I would still be a consultant myself I would be working around the clock to set things straight. But then I would be making 6-8 times my current salary AND I would be drinking to deal with the stress. I find it difficult to come to a

So yeah, I have, unknowingly been set up for failure. My boss admits that he has underestimated things. He has another project which is going haywire because the people he put on it are not doing their job. At some point last year he made 3 decisions which do not at all support the structure of the company and now it needs all his time to set these straight. I see that. Me being self-supporting makes it very easy to forget about my project. However… is it possible that he was as enthusiastic about them as he was about me in the first place? And now I am looking for a way to quench the firesย  and the overwhelming powers of shame about my assumed incompetence, of shame because I am being lied to by the consultant, of shame and pain about the memories of the culture of deceit I grew up in, of pain about not being in contact with my brother and SIL because of what happened due to that, of anger about my salary, of shame about my incompetence of dealing with salary, shame about me having been addicted and being in such a state at age 47, all of these fires are burning inside. First drink thought since ages came up last Friday. I was very happy that the friend I went out for dinner with drank tea instead of alcohol. I guess if she would not have done so I would have asked her to change to soft-drinks.

I now understand how I got myself into drinking in my early working time by being overtaxed and needing to rewind quickly. It is Sunday afternoon now. I have been thinking of work 24/7 for a few weeks now with breaks only when I sleep and even then I can dream about this.

I need an arm around me. The realisation that having a partner can make a change in this is big. A friend of mine is moving out-of-town, she and her boyfriend are buying a house of 500.000 Euro’s, it needs rework. I feel ‘left behind’. I suddenly feel all the work I put into getting sober and being sober has been stupid because I was stupid to become addicted in the first place.

You know, dealing with addiction is not a big thing when all goes well, it is difficult when I come to the point where I do not want to care anymore because I feel stupid. Where I think I have no value anyhow. Where I am convinced I have less right to be here because of who I am. A woman who loves herself would: love herself. But I can’t currently.

In my head I hear Anne (Ainsobriety) (hi!) saying ‘compassion, show yourself some compassion’ and I realise I do not do that. Now I step outside me experiencing this attack on me and try to be the observer. The observer sees a very frightened girl who is afraid to fail bully another with shame, denial and all types of emotional abuse. The observer thinks I identify with the one being bullied. I wonder who the fuck the bullied person is. I do not recognise me from the outside. Strange this is. Don’t worry if you can’t follow, I don’t understand it either. I’m thinking I am dissociating in 2 steps here.

The frightened girl is very effing frightened. Need to go talk with her. She is very afraid to fail. Feels like she will die if she fails. Wonder where this comes from. I only remember my father once saying “If I would have built this faulty bridge I would have committed suicide.” He meant it. I was going to write I can not understand where the fear of failure would come from but my mother was a perfectionist. My whole photo album reads like a manual to the defected daughter. A lot of criticism hidden in wittyness. I can’t even read it anymore. My brother and SIL laughed at me when I mentioned that I found this painful. Adding insult to injury. And I do the same to me: not taking me seriously, not valuing myself, killing/selfdestructing when confronted with possible failure. Patterns are difficult.

Meditation helps. Plan to wake up half an hour early to meditate again during working days too. Meditation makes that everything I attach to; thoughts, opinions, fears, feelings of all kinds sort of seem unimportant, become unimportant and it helps me to energetically set to zero. I used to not know ‘how’ to meditate but the navel staring of the last years has helped me greatly to find what I was looking for; it helped me see how I attach to things, to feelings, where they, well ‘enter’ my ‘aura’ for lack of another word.

Hmm, don’t feel like writing anymore. Suddenly all of this seems superfluous. It is not. I know that. It is a log and it is a set time for me to force myself to check upon my sobriety. To see what drives me, what puts me in (e)motion. People say ’emotions are not facts’ – which is often true. But emotions will fuck up sobriety – which is why I think it is a good idea to keep a good watch on them. ๐Ÿ™‚

A woman who loves herself would now read the book which she has wanted to read for the whole week. Turn off the computer and wifi to ensure better quality of sleep later. And make the bed now, not at the moment she goes to bed so she then dislikes herself for putting it off. So, that is what I will do. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit. I find going through this time very informative. I need to take care that it does not take me over and I need to delegate and take care of the girl who is so afraid of failure. She is afraid she will lose me because I have left her. This is such strange territory. With these descriptions I am ‘just’ phrasing how it feels/what it looks like, in order to give voice to what is happening, putting words to what I feel, how I experience things helps me to see and experience things. Or maybe it helps me to take seriously what I experience. Not sure. Guessing this is a phase I need to go through. Because it is here. Let’s see what it brings. What is in the way, is The Way. I can only get out by going in. ๐Ÿ™‚

Sorry for an unfulfilling post with no ‘solutions’ to yet another drama. :-D. I’m off to read, make beds and meditate. Better than staring at a screen. Wishing you a good night/week.

xx, Feeling






and I can see now what difficulty got me into drinking more and more.

Lesigh, karma overrunning darma

A few days ago I commented on a (wonderful post) of Abbie in, what now, when looking back, looks like a mood of sheer frustration from my side; running up the walls. I am sorry Abbie. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I should not have poured my desperation onto your blog. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Also: is there anybody who can, from the outside, give me their view of what is going on in this reply? What do you think where I go off track because, frankly, when reading this back to me it seems like I am desperate and drunk. Obviously I am desperate, obviously I am not drunk. I did have a whole lot of sugar that day. Lately I feel I do not make any progress, actually, I feel like I have been stuck in resentment (YES! THAT is the word/emotion) against my boss (is that how to use the word in a sentence?). It is frustrating. I thought I was doing well, and then suddenly I find myself at a place where I have derailed and (again ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ) spilled my negative energy into a comment.

Now I come back to the ‘suddenly’ because I think I am lying to myself there. I think my use of sugar has replaced the use of alcohol. I come home and I binge on chocolate. 1 Bar of 100 grams, 72% dark eco chocolate and maximum 20 dates. For my system that is way too much. It numbs me. The way I use it is how I used alcohol. (You can wonder about the words there, I am not sure if I used alcohol or alcohol used me, or possibly both are true.)

My blood pressure is sky high, obviously also due to the tension at work and because I do not react to the signs of my body. Whenever I get home I do not want to ‘be aware’ anymore. I want to numb out. I still think that being aware of what is going on is ‘too difficult’. Apart from being happy that I quit, lately I find life very difficult again – not the sober part, that is ok. When I read other peoples posts I think: what is wrong with me? Why are all these people so runny, cake baky, meditationary, yoga-y? Why do I not ‘cope’? Is it because I have to do everything by myself? As in, not being in an intimate relation and not having parents? Is it because I don’t do AA and therefore miss out on development? (I still think I need to settle down in my aversion against religious approaches, even in texts. I have been religiously pounded on the head with not being good enough to live, anger flares up whenever I have to ‘as we understood Him’. To me it feels like an exact repetition of my teenage life where my autistic and fanatically religious father tried to scare, shame and bully me into submission. I think to know it is different, it is ‘just’ that any reference pushes my buttons. It is getting less so I’ll get there one day. ๐Ÿ™‚ The ‘we accept that we are powerless’ does not really go down well. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Ooh, for those who wonder: I think to know I am powerless over alcohol when it gets into my body. Which is why I use the power that I have to choose not to drink it and I am very happy I quit.)

This is my comment to Abbie’s post. Please let me have your thoughts.

It is not without frustration that I write this and I hope you can read through that and maybe find time to answer the question at the end of this comment.

What I find difficult in this approach to un-addicting or reversing the process of the addictive personality is that nobody is able to tell me HOW to make a change. Changes made โ€˜over the rationalโ€™ do not last long in my experience/life. โ€˜Just do itโ€™ does not cut it for me. I quit drinking, that went down in a sort of โ€˜just do itโ€™ way. But all the other stuff? Well, today I posted 3 posts.
1 On how I am doing after clashing with my boss.
2 On how people who are all in control would react to it and
3: The final post of a vid which FINALLY, after 10 months, made me understand the dynamics of the relation with my boss and how it had come about. And with that I understood this aspect from almost all the other relations I had, those with my parents, those with partners or bosses. The aspect of the intermitted reinforcement / codepency became so very clear.

For the post of how to react to bosses when you are in control: I am not there yet. And I actually think when somebody is so much aware of the things going on and so much control of their own reactions, they would probably not even start working for a boss like that.

All the lists of how to on WordPress, by professionals, on Facebook by (non) professionals do not influence me other than making me feel inadequate and, well, actually (yeah yeah, I let them) disable me. Unless I understand, figure out how things work, how I am feeling wise / emotionally attached to the situation with my boss (preferring abusive relations/addicted to intermitted reinforcement/double bind) I seem to have no entry at all. (Can anybody please please please tell me) How (on earth!) other people learn? (In between their running, yoga, high end jobs, family, relations, saving the world, holidays, cake baking, volunteering?)๐Ÿ˜ฆ I am at loss.๐Ÿ˜ฆ Even though my life is not easy I think I am exactly on the path where I should be, out of the 20 something people I knew I started with blogging at the same time, I and another person are the only ones continuously sober so there is something going well.) It is just that these lists, the how toโ€™s which I can not get/grab/apply, they get to me.๐Ÿ˜ฆ
xx, Feeling

I am happy that I quit. Happy that you (are trying to?) quit. โค

A woman who loves herself should, possibly, reread the text and edit it so she will not be embarrassed by it the day after. [Insert foul language] This is how slow my learning goes. It takes me more than to years to come to a point where I find it important for self-protection to reread a post and possibly edit it. Well, I did choose to do it all organically, biologically, see where Life takes me. But by now I feel I want more control. But I do not want to do the work. I feel like I have done enough actually. Ooooh, ouch. I feel like I have become sober and Life punished me with this sadistic dragon of a boss which I have to fight in order to survive. Today I heard that last week she send a VERY PRETTY new girl from HQ through the workspace just in order to get her ogled at, yelled at and whistled at by the guys. This was AFTER I spoke with her on sexual intimidation. WAR IS ON. The guys recognised the game and not one shit was given that day. Ghegheghe. The contract of her main business friend is not being continued. He drinks like a fish. Turns totally purple in every move and fights his way through the company. I just hope this helps her lose ground at HQ. Mean? Yes. Resentment? Yes. Hoping for revenge? Yes. Getting a life? Nope…. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Learning to let go? No. Putting energy in my own life? No. Sigh. It is not easy. Ooh. Watch the vid from Teal from my last post again. ๐Ÿ™‚

Please let me have your wisest/most angry/funniest/most informative comments to my state of mind/being in ‘recovery’. :-/ I try to unaddict. I want to become clear. I tend to forget that. I tend to fogg up with BS because I am rather lost than clear. Clear hurts. Feeling things clearly hurts. So much pain I can not handle. This is how I view life now. Guess I have viewed it differently but I can not remember. And then again: is it all mine? Nope, I don’t think so. I think I carry a truckload of pain from my parents, about my parents, about their abusive relationship, about how this made me feel, about how I feel I need(ed) to protect my mother, and my father and my brother from everything going on. The fights, the anger, a house full of hatred, resentment, bitterness and despise. Not a good environment to grow up in. The goooooooood thing about not having parents is that hahaha, I do not have to drag this misery along. I still do. Maybe I should not.

I think I have difficulty differentiation between me and the other. Looking forward to the medical intuition summit (see former post). Hope to find some answers to the funny skills I have there. ๐Ÿ™‚ Not looking forward to it in a happy way. I have not felt happy for a long time, just relieved. I guess that is it: I am not happy that I quit, I am relieved that I quit. That is different. I need to get the happy back. ๐Ÿ™‚ Shake off the unnecessary stuff. ๐Ÿ™‚

Hope you are having a good day/night. Remember that even though life might get tough so here and there, it is infinitely better than self destructing by drinking and drugging.

xx, Feeling


Who said repetitive jobs would be boring?

Life with a tiny job is NEW! So much NEW, it takes a lot of energy. ๐Ÿ™‚ Which, I guess, is the whole idea behind working, possibly…. ๐Ÿ™‚ And, wow, wow, wow I realise day in day out, minute, sometimes second in, second out why I drank; everything I used to drink away is crossing my path saying ‘Hi, I am your life’s trouble, your karma, your inability to take life as it comes, your inability to deal with people, your inability to guard yourself, to stand up for yourself, to value yourself. And guess what? I am not going until you deal with it.’ I even dream about stupid issues which need to be solved before I can move on. ๐Ÿ˜€ Who said repetitive jobs would be boring?!

This post starts off ranting about my boss and I hope it turns into insight in my own behaviour. No promises :-). I think I have again chosen uh, a ‘challenge’. ๐Ÿ˜€ It somehow feels like I need to deal with my standard reaction of not being good enough every second of the day. I will try to be objective (haha), not point fingers or sulk and tell only what happened and how I feel but no, no promises.

I currently work 3 days including Saturday in a production facility. I do some assembling, a lot of weighing, packing and wet and dry cleaning of machines, tables and floors. It is physically taxing because of the lifting and cleaning – everything is timed and one tiny mistake can lead to loss of goods, damage to bodies, goods or machinery and/or overtime for the whole crew. I find it tough, even though I got the ‘compliment’ of my boss: ‘I’ve seen a lot of women go down in that department but it does not seem to get to you, does it?’ Which, she spoke publicly in the Saturday afternoon drinks get together so that I guess is another compliment. ๐Ÿ™‚

I had already told her that I need to start with 3 days, not more because I ‘need to keep my clear head’ but she keeps on pushing me and then ‘taking it back’ by saying: ‘Let me know when you decide to work 4 days.’ Her comment on me ‘not going down’ sort of confirms my feeling of being under constant surveillance and continuously being pushed to do more, lift heavier stuff and work quicker. So we combine well: she does the top dog, I am ready to jump into the under dog position. ๐Ÿ˜€ Ghegheghe. It is not nice to realise this about myself but very informative. These feelings of inadequacy were feelings I would drink away. :-/

I have not yet learned how to deal with this and it is a CONTINUOUS struggle for me NOT to feel anxious, be scared that she will correct me or yell at me when she is walking around or working in the production area. And no matter what happens on the floor, if it is out of the ordinary I lose focus immediately and my constructing goes wrong or I forget where I am. Compare it to knitting, I forget what row I’m at so I need to feel and check back or weigh stuff. Well, with all of that I am still quicker than the guys who don’t do this regularly so that is ok but still. It feels like I am shaking in my reinforced boots continuously. So yeah, I am getting the NEW life experience I was looking for and hell yeah I’m tired at the end of the day. ๐Ÿ™‚

Opposite the expectation that I would be losing weight I have actually gained weight because I eat cantine food and in the evening a quick dinner with a bar of chocolate (100 grams, 72%, eco). Maybe the weight gain is all muscle ;-).

One of the things that bother me is that my boss does not give instructions but does tell people (me!) off when they do something different from how she planed it. I have worked in a production plant before and am used to scrub machines and then hose them down. My colleagues do so when she’s not around. ๐Ÿ™‚ So I thought….. lets get da hose and soak da house. NOT! ๐Ÿ˜€ ‘What do you think you are doing!!! That equipment is NOT made to be soaked!!’ Well, eh…. now is not the moment to tell her that I just copy my co-workers…. ๐Ÿ˜€ Gheghegheghe….

And with carrying heavy stuff: the girl who got fired seems to have accepted the job and only afterwards tell the people that she is not willing or able to carry stuff. My boss and the whole floor got really frustrated because that meant that everybody was expected to stop their work to help the girl. Which is not possible when you are on a tight schedule. I feel that pressure is on me now. I am being watched like a hawk in lifting and if or not I am asking for favours from the guys. I don’t ask, I sometimes do get them though, which is nice, specifically when it has to do with hot and heavy stuff that is stored above shoulder height. ๐Ÿ™‚ So I feel I am sort of being looked after by some of the guys.

On the feeling of being watched like a hawk; that actually popped up in the Saturday after work drink. Somebody commented loosely ‘Yeah, and then this went wrong and I start to look over my shoulder thinking ‘hope she’s not there!’ And my boss laughed her head off and replied ‘Yeah, bwahahaha, well, that’s one of the things I seem to have, this eye for things that go wrong. I mean, the four of you are standing around that machine and I, standing in the OTHER ROOM am the only one who notices something is wrong! Haaahahahaha.’ ๐Ÿ™‚ That was an eye-opener for me. I mean, people came up with tiny stories on how they deal with her piercing eyes and ‘everybody’ laughed wholeheartedly. I chuckled along because it was funny and I was relieved to hear that I am not the only one experiencing these laser eyes.

My boss is in continuous fight/flight/freeze mode and her favorite is the fight mode where she literally yells at people to tell them their jobs ending any ‘conversation’ with a derisive remark like ‘or don’t you want to work?!’ And on top of that she is forcefull in asking inappropriate questions about people’s sexlife which is a topic that pops up every so many days.

I do not think she is really racist as but she does say racist things; ‘He’s late for work, he does not answer his phone, no need to fool me! He’s black so I know for sure we won’t see him again at least not today.’ Which…. well, is indeed a racist conviction Dutch and German people tend to have about well, practically any foreigners because ‘we’ are convinced we are the ONLY people in the world who can actually be on time for an appointment. All foreigners can not, blablablablablaaah, the darker the skin, the later they arrive. I realised I live in that conviction too and know it is racist, but it is not nice to hear this actually being spoken out loud about and to a black co-worker.

Btw: I hold a possibly funny view when it comes to racism, I know I am subconsciously racist following the ‘unknown is unloved principle’. But I don’t want to be racist or in any other way discriminating anybody for colour, sexual direction, gender, age and what have you. That is why, in situations I tend to try to keep a check my reactions. Does not always work unfortunately, it is work in progress however. I’ve added in this ad to show you how widespread the idea of the inability to be on time is; so much that people found it ok to turn it into a desirable trait and make the on-time people the laughing-stock. ๐Ÿ™‚ Which they did well, ghegheghe… Not sure if this add ran outside The Netherlands. Please let me know when you have seen it. ALERT: it is a booze ad.

So when she left I asked the black colleague: ‘That comment makes me feel very uncomfortable, what is your opinion on it? And he shrugged and said ‘She always says things pretty blunt. That’s just how she is.’ Which… is another way of looking at it. And very NEW!

I’m not sure if I am ok with it though, she is the boss. Does he have a choice to address it? She treats the black guys ok even though there is more stereo typing going on like giving all the black guys a nick-name and the white guys not. Attributing sexual prowess and heightened lust to them is another one of those things I find ‘hmmm….’. The whole company is actually very sexually laden but she seems to be in the middle of it. I am so HAPPY that my hair has gone grey and that feel that gives me a perfect excuse not to partake in this.

And…..sometimes I feel sorry for myself because it also confronts me with what I think I have lost due to alcohol: confidence in my attractiveness and ability to find a partner. I mean, who would want an ex-addict who has got nothing but a renthouse, a possible or not (1st month probation is not over yet) smelly, low paid job, is overweight, grey haired and well, a prickly, stand-offish, black and white reactive character and too much wrongly focussed IQ for most man to actually like :-(? And then I put all these thoughts aside because the only thing I have to do is do my job well and deal with how to do that without damaging myself.

I have difficulty with my boss, and then again: I have enough on my plate as it is and possibly, very likely, I am INTERNALLY exaggerating these negative traits of her to find a power balance. What I write about her is as true as true is, how I deal with it is my own choice. Hahahaha, well, it should be my own choice, I’m not there yet. Friday I called my friends saying I was done and I would be looking for another job. I had promised myself to find another job before I would give up this one but for a few days I was totally convinced I would be leaving.

Saturday worked out to be a nice day and I really got to appreciate my colleagues AND my boss who took some time to tell me about her upcoming holiday in December. The first one in several years of setting up this company (she is not the owner but well, it is A LOT of work). To that she added a few personal troubles as losing her boyfriend and illness in the family which had hit her severely. Pfffff, not easy. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ We spoke about her holiday destination and the fact that she is going alone and feels insecure about that. It was a nice conversation. ๐Ÿ™‚ So, yeah, there is a totally different side to her. I am glad I got to see that and felt my hostility fade away. She asked me if I could take over some of her tasks during her holiday. Which I guess is a good sign.

This roller coaster of emotions, it is so overwhelming and I am not proud of my reactivity and readiness for war. I am a little proud of the fact that, for the first time in my life I can actually, sometimes, look at it and see how very reactive I am. NEW!!! I mean, as I blogged earlier in the karma in the job: these issues I run into are exactly the issues I have run into all my life so possibly, most likely…. I need to do something with it. ๐Ÿ™‚ The only difference with my former nasty bosses is that he is a she now. And maybe this is more clear in my karma story because I attribute the criticism to ‘Mother’. My mother was critical, my internal mother possibly even more so.

So, what, what if I am actually good enough? I cannot carry that feeling yet but it does pop up sometimes as an answer to what I feel and that brings peace. โค NEW!!

So, all in all: learning a lot by doing difficult stuff. Tomorrow I’m going to visit my therapist again and getting my vertebra’s realigned again. My arm is much better. It still hurts but continuous movement improves it and obviously the alignment did. Happy :-).

Other subject: I finally, after 2 months and 2 weeks contacted the bookstore man through FB. Wrote him to tell him that I am not not contacting him because I am offended or feeling sorry for myself. But that I feel I did not yet learn what I had to learn from the whole situation. That I would obviously return some books he had borrowed me but that I would appreciate to do that when all the pieces had settled back into their place. I have not had a reaction yet but he generally does not check his FB on Sundays. And, yes, that was important, I have waited to contact him till I was sure I could, if he were not to respond, be ok with that. So I don’t sit in front of this screen waiting for an answer. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am not sure what I should learn from the situation but I can park that for later, I’m guessing insight will come some day. There’s a block on the road, it is not moving. We’ll see.

The other day I went to the give away store, met up with a guy who works there and spoke a little. He haha, told me he was an ex-addict and that he was working on his co-dependency issues. Yes, yes, how very much on cue, thank you Universe, exactly when I am reading The Alcoholics guide to alcoholism most interesting posts on co-dependency and starting to discover my own issues in determining my worth by how others value me. Does that eh, ring a bell after me speaking about my boss? :-/

Ooh, on openness and things ‘coming out’. At the Saturdays drink somebody asked me if I wanted a beer. I said ‘No, I don’t drink.’ And he started laughing and said ‘Hahaha, another one who doesn’t drink anymore! Hahahaaha…’ I laughed with him, he and his drunken stupidity and knowing how bad it is and still drinking and thinking it is funny…. Oooh, I have been there long time. I have another guy-colleague who does not drink and somebody of whom everybody knows he needed to stop and he did. But since his father died this week everybody doubts if he ‘will make it’. Turning up drunk or intoxicated from the night before will get him fired of the job according to the house-rules. :-/

So yes, I see this as a sign that I am still carrying around this ‘vibe of addiction’ which attracts these situations but by now I am starting to see the fun in it. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit because again I can say that I am exactly in the place where I need to be to be learning what I need to learn. And wow would this job with waking up at 6:00 be difficult if I were to still drink. Brrrrrrr….

Wwawwlhd? I have asked myself this question repeatedly in the last weeks although not so repeatedly as in the first days. It works out that a women who loves herself actually does more instead of less, makes a lot of good choices and is happy to follow them up. It is however confusing that the wwlh would quit the job on Friday while she is content to stay on Saturday. Teal Swan says about the wwawwlhd system: it is a projection of your own ability to love. So I guess that is where the glitches happen :-). (Not so) funny thing: Teal Swan is in Paris this weekend.

I take: Ayurvedic medicine but I forget them 1 out of 3 times now. I ‘take’ a lot of chocolate too, 1 bar of 100 grams a day in the struggle of trying to deal. Not good. Then again, I am going to let it go and see where it takes me.

I want: dunno, a quick tarot lay promised Death – which I will take as a ‘new beginning’ and ‘changing of old habits’ rather than something bad. I guess. I hope :-). I realised that I have no idea of the future other than one that feels impossible to reach: a cottage in a spiritually sound place with a large vegetable garden, a fireplace, a warm kitchen, a large book room, some livestock, a dog or possibly 2 and some cats. I should have bought this when I had the money. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ But I ‘decided’ to drink it all. Funny to notice that I tried to fit in this man in my life and he ended up living in a rebuilt shed. Gheghegheghe….. guess it’s no time yet. ๐Ÿ™‚

On discipline: more where it is needed, like going to bed on time and less where it is not really, really necessary like cleaning the house if I’m tired.

3 Things: 1 my job, 2 the fact that I have a house and 3 that I am learning so much. Like time, time totally has new meaning right now. When I am not working I am really free. Not ‘not-working-but-feeling-guilty-because-I-don’t-do-anything-with-my-life kind of free but really free. And money: when I pay for something now I know the value of it. I earn less on a day than I would for working 1 hour when being a consultant. Ghegheghe… it’s ok. This is what I need to learn so this is where I am, taking it slowly.

Ooh, strange dream. I wonder about my animus (male part of my character according to Jung). He is supposed to turn up in my dreams as a wise guy but my guys are ALWAYS these cool, almost criminal, obnoxious, handsome twenty something guys that irritate the hell out of me. The last one was laying in a corner puking – while doing a low plank position by the way. He just lay there puking his guts out because he had been drinking or whatever partying. Hmmm, I realise now I could have helped him. :-/ Ghegheghe… hmmm. :-/ Oh ooh… I just left him there. Well, better next time.

So, another long post. One day I might go through all my posts and edit them. But not now. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am wishing you a good new week in which love and light may shine for the world.

xx, Feeling

The price I pay for staying in lalaland

candyland1These last few days I have been very much confronted with the price I pay for having stayed in Lalaland too long. The above picture is one of lalaland, sort of how it came to me in an Ayahuasca session. I guess what hurts me the most is that, as I wrote this morning, I did not properly say goodbye to my mom. Well, of course I was sober when with her, apart for one time :-/, but I feel I did not get to let go of the grieve correctly. When she died I was already addicted. Which is easy to say because I was addicted from drink one. I think around that time I drank 3-4 nights a week 3-4 pints. With ever so now and then waaaaaay more. I notice that there are layers within me that do not know she’s dead yet. That hurts.

And I feel guilty I blew a fortune of halve a house on what worked out to be ‘trying to set up a company’ in a consumer goods. I am not a flashy consumer marketer. I am an engineer. I should stick with that. Two third of that money was inheritance and one-third of that money was my own but still… I blew it because I was drinking. If I was not I might have pulled the plug out earlier or worked on it more effectively.

Because of the moving into another line of work I let go of my old contacts and network. Not smart. And now I feel too ‘labelled’ with misfortune (and my own label ‘alcoholic’ or ‘addict’) that I do not have the guts to contact them. I guess it will take time before I feel sure enough on my business feet to face these people.

I wrecked my body but what worries me more is that I wrecked my brain. I’m not sure if it is really damaged but I still have this addicty attitude of ‘not wanting to be in the moment’ and I think because of that I register things badly. And I feel so insecure about it that it cripples me when speaking with people of my profession.The price I pay.

I also feel guilty of drinking when the cat got her litter. I had promised myself to not drink 10 days around her date but I made it to day 4 and then drank 2 days half and the 3rd day I had 3 pints and they were born that night. I felt so guilty about that that I was stressed and that stressed the cat too. She was doing fine and suddenly she looked up to me totally insecure asking me ‘What am I doing wrong?’ I immediately realised then that I was just radiating insecurity and fear and she picked up on it. It did teach me a lot, and nothing went wrong but still. It was not good.

And I did loads of stupid things when I was an angry young women. Mostly self destructive stupid things but no matter what, that dragged people around me into the atmosphere of my addiction too. Now I’m just an angry older women.

That’s another point: the not processing of emotions. I spent thousands on therapy and courses which, I don’t know but I guess they would have been twice, three times, ten times as effective if I had not drunk. Not that I drank during the day, but sometimes, with difficult things, I would drink the evening before and the evening after. So… I know now that takes away from the learning effect. Then I just wanted to ‘feel safe’. Which is the nice version of ‘not feel’. And there’s more, but this is a difficult post and I just want to get to bed.

I fear: everything I take: nothing I want: to sleep and not wake up. Wow! (No, not really, just mentioning a tendency, what gets reflected back when I ask. Strange day it is today. I am at 11 or 12 days no sugar and getting bored with what I am eating because I’ve lost interest due to the lack of cravings because I now have a (more) stable blood sugar level. Also, I shop cheap in order to safe money so I don’t get all the tasty expensive stuff. I need to look into that because I have learned that this boredom is the beginning of something bingy coming up. Yes, something bingy coming up: somewhere at 17:00 ish I decided that I had earned sugar. I found that a funny addicty description but I took ginger ale (ale, not the cordial) 1/5 and mixed it with sparking water. I took one sip and felt it going down and it felt bad. Bad, bad, bad. And that is the price I pay for being in lalaland too long: weird shit going on with my health and not enough intellectual stability to deal with that.

Funny enough something in me (it felt like my body) was trying to convince me to take it and I wondered, is this how it would feel to drink alcohol? Feel stupid, feel that it is wrong and still want it? I stuck with the ‘how does it feel’ and put the glas away. And haha, there it comes: I picked it up just in order to see if it still tasted bad. Now THAT is familiar, but in my life only recognisable in others: this is how little kids learn. Tell them they are not allowed to do something and they will test another 2 times if you were serious. Somebody once told me that is not lack of respect or being stupid, it is just how we are wired.

So, I sat down, seeing what would happen, trying to inform myself that sugar is not the same as alcohol and that I should wind down. Did not work. Then I realised that this ‘lapse, relapse, collapse’ thought has very much settled in my brain against my will. I fear that thought itself. Like walking around with a time bomb. I have difficulty dealing with it because it undermines my idea of control (very addicty) but yes, it undermines my idea of control and that is very uncomfortable when it comes to booze. But while I was trying to think, didn’t go very well because of the fear, I wondered: ‘What if it were alcohol? It is not even alcohol and you have difficulty putting it away even though it does not go down well at all. You have tasted it, found that it was foul and still you are yearning? What is going on?’ (parts of me speak to me :-D)

Nothing big happened there apart from me realising that I did think it was awful so why the heck would I drink it? I did not. It did not bother me anymore after I connected with how I had felt. I guess I should practise that because it feels like there is truth in that.

So, I had a shitty day workwise, I DELETED a file for a course / book I had been working on for a few hours. I mean, last time that happened was when I was, what 25? But then found a better way to do the file anew so that was fixed in no time. Maybe that was good, but it did not feel good. I was very tired after that. I think it was good I had the reconnect to feeling with the sugar drink experience. Even though it does sound I have gone over the top with my food things. You know, I do think that I have, but I feel I am not there where I need to be with my health so I continue searching. I do want to get rid of the worries about it, trust my body, but that is hard.

I am happy that I quit in a sort of obligatory (is that the right word?) way. Not really feeling it. That is because I feel little progress. Which is why progress is good. When I feel progress I feel alive and I don’t worry about the happy or not. Meh, too tired, need to get to bed. And again I did not get to the 3 things good. Isn’t that… informative. :-/ Another good thing: the cat is going outside again. No, a thing about me. I enjoyed a real nice apple today. ๐Ÿ™‚ It was an ecological Granny Smith from Italy. I normally only like these when they are from Argentina, in the season, but this one was very good. ๐Ÿ™‚ And I guess that detailed moaning and comparing is making me miserable. Pfffff. I should practise enjoying good things.

Hope you have a GOOD day or evening. ๐Ÿ™‚ xx, Feeling

It takes 8 months

This man got a bike that goes right when he turns left and visa versa. It took him 8 months to learn to ride it. And then it took him 20 minutes to learn to ride a normal bike again. I am not sure I agree with his explanation but I do think it has an analogy with addiction. Or no matter what: it is fun :-).

I am happy that I quit in a sort of ‘shit I really need to get a move on and pfiew glad I don’t drink anymore’ kind of way. I am trying to get back to the profoundly happy that I quit but worries get in the way. Now I try to separate the worries from being happy. Logically they are not linked. My mother had cancer and it was breaking down her body. She was still happy, she had learned to separate these. (And I guess she did a lot of hiding her fear and stress….) I miss her so much. I guess this is the hardest part of the price I pay for having spent so much time in lalaland: not having closed the dealing with her death. I thought I had, but the hurt of her going is still there, the unfinished business. More and more I get the feeling to ‘Oooh, I’ll call my mother.’ and then realise she is not here anymore.

I fear: well pffff, shitloads.

I want: to have breakfast

I need: to have breakfast

I take: nothing, just fully sugarless. Less fog but not the clarity I remember from when I was 19. (Ghegheghe….)

Things that went well: the work I am doing, what I do is good. Working with consumers is different: they all want a piece of me, I get e-mails as long as my posts discussing technical things. That is rather tiring. There are a few things that I follow up on and that continue to just go well. I should be proud of / happy with kicking the sugar but somehow I think I should not have get hooked at the first place. Hmmm :-/

And there is something funny going on: I keep on meeting up people who have no money at all and are generally in a rut. Walking along the wrong energy lines here. ๐Ÿ™‚ Let’s see how to deal with that.

And with writing that I did not even come to the 3rd thing that is going well. This talking stuff down is pretty much alive in me. Well, with writing down 3 things that are going well or that I have done well I realise that I am never content and always think I should have done better. That revelation is sinking in by now. That is good, in a sad way. Doing it again! My god this is difficult. I guess I need to watch the video again: it takes 8 months to unlearn a pattern if once practises every day. I will add ‘things that go well’ to the list on my egg timer. The current list is ‘stand up straight’ (I try to work standing at least half of the day), ‘shoulders back’ and ‘breathe’. One thing that I did good: type a post. ๐Ÿ™‚

I hope you have a happy sober / clean day or evening!

xx, Feeling

Less perfectionism and life

Ghegheghe, just realised that I did something totally NEW!!! I send out a date invitation for my new course for the end of this week or the beginning of next week ….. while I have not even finished the content. ๐Ÿ˜€ Ghegheghe. I have NEVER in my whole life done that. Is it smart? Don’t know. I have never done that. I guess I am less anxious about failing, more sure of my ability to draw something up. Well, it is a basic course. I should be able to draw it up in 2 days. ๐Ÿ™‚ย  And I don’t have time to stall. We shall see.

I am on day 10 without sugar, I lost 2 kilo’s in total. The cravings/urges get less but I also do not notice when I am hungry anymore and then it hits me when I almost I fall over. That is strange, today I went 6 hours without food, strange. Not sure if it is a no sugar effect or if it was already there and a side effect of one of the Schuessler salts I used to take. So I really need to get back to setting the clock to see if I should eat, otherwise I work, work, work, work, work and …. work. And it is really good that I have this blog because up to now I had not noticed that I do that. Isn’t it intriguing how addiction works? Drop alcohol and watching films, move into sugar and blogging, drop sugar, move into working. Hmmm… working is good, but I moderation is still a thing. Working on it, sort of ish, it’s more that right now I get dizzy and my head is spinning with too much focussed screen time since 9:00 this morning. And the learning I do is: ‘Aaah, I did it again! I know I should not do this.’ So I need to take the other step tomorrow and plan what I will be doing when tomorrow and plan free time and outside exercise time too. I’ll get there.

I fear: that I might not get there before the money runs out. If I were to pay all outstanding tax and rent I would not be eating now. So that’s a bit of a…. bummer? :-/

I want: things to be easy, somebody coming up to me and offering me a book deal for my technical work and at least 10.000 in advance.

I need: to get my head out of the sand? Don’t know. Really don’t know. This weekend I went garden shopping with the husband of a friend. My friend hates it but I loved it and it was to this very special ecological place. It was beautiful, I had a really good time. He too, but he was seriously shopping with lists and Latin names of plants, I just assisted with the carrying and the sorting the strongest plants – for 3 hours…. :-D. As a gift he bought me 2 bags of eco sand for my pots. ๐Ÿ™‚ Yeah! And… he carried it up the stairs, they were about 25 kg, each so I was VERY HAPPY with that. When he was gone I cried because I was so happy with this large tiny gift that it hurt. It has been a long time that I have just been given something material, been taken care of without having to ask. I need to be able to unburden. I can’t. No parents, little family and not the sort of chique problems I can unload at the doorstep of a friend. ‘Hey, I lied to you about being depressed, well I was but actually I was addicted to alcohol, I blew my own projects and am without money now.’ Hmmm. Not exactly without. So there is still hope but yeah.

I am proud: I will change this category into, What went good today. What went good today: I slept so deep that I slept through a sms. That is NEW! I started the day with reading in a good book instead of Facebook (which has now become work :-/) and that is good because I need to get away from this screen. And I just saw my neighbours getting home,ย  carrying a big bag of all kinds of fried food and so drunk they needed to support each other. When I said ‘Enjoy your dinner.’ She answered; ‘It’s my third day on a diet, so that’s going well….’ย  I thought I was slow on the progress, but I am making progress. I am there were I have chosen not to drink and actually have got a little grip on my funny eating habits and can change them because I would love to be healthy, not because I hate my excess femininity. That is good, that is progress all over.

I spoke a junior friend of mine, a friend of hers is in serious trouble with abusive caretakers. The girls don’t speak about it. The mother of the abused girl knows but she says her daughter is making it up to get attention. From what I hear I think the abuse is true, it is all wrapped up in this child-logic ‘If she tells, they will say she is making a fuss and then they’ll say that she is too unruly to go home.’ And ‘She is very sad, she does not want to live anymore.’ They make photos now of the bruises. The abuse includes a dislocated jaw. :-/ I had a rough time with taking this in today. Then I decided. I will just do what needs to be done: get advice from people who know how to handle this and leave it with those where it belongs as soon as possible. And NOT let it throw me of balance. The thought in itself is new and good. And yes, this situation is exactly what I do not need now, but that is not how it works is it. :-/ My physiotherapist said: sometimes situations return to your life because you yourself have unfinished business. I guess she’s right. Another thing: take care not to project my teenage issues on the girls. :-/ I have difficulty with this world.

I am happy that I quit drinking. Not as happy as I was in the beginning. I am at the second wave of ‘if it is this easy, I’m not really addicted.’ It is a TRAP! I know! And no, I don’t want to drink, but there is something eating away my resolve. I don’t like it but I can’t find where it is coming from, just that I am too tired to keep this resolve up all the time. I guess I need to learn to relax there where I can. I have not done that yet. Hmmm, I am still trying to live at maximum resolve but I think don’t need that when I’m at home, or sleeping? Do you have something like that?

I take: nothing, yes, eco dandelion salad to up my bile production. It is lovely.

Hope you have a nice sober / clean night and day.

xx, Feeling

YouTube rules

Hi, just another pearl from the YouTube world. Not sure if I like the speed at which he speaks but I appreciate what he says about addiction.

And I found the answer to the difference between body, soul and spirit that I have been looking for. Well, the one that says the same thing that I thought so now I know this one is true ;-). And following that, the other ones are not of course…. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit because it helps me find stuff easier because I just follow my hunches and bam! There it is. The fog in my mind is back (back on sugar) but the fog in my ‘aura’ for lack of a better word, is clearing up slowly and steadily.

I want: to go to bed and so does the cat. She keeps on calling me and walking me to the bedroom :-). It was 5:30 this morning so it is about time.

I need: to go to bed. And go easier on the sugar. Not sure how to do that without forcing myself. Don’t want to have to do more things. So I guess I’ld better go get some insights that help me stop.

Have a nice evening/day! I am happy that you quit because that makes the world a better place. And if you haven’t yet: I can tell you it is real cool, inner growth is I don’t know, just pops up naturally now. I wasted a shitload of money on therapy (hi and sorry, not that I found it a waste but if I had been sober… well, you know.. ๐Ÿ™‚ ) that I could have used 10 times better if I had been free already. But I was not. And now I am. Which is GOOD.ย  ๐Ÿ™‚