It takes 8 months

This man got a bike that goes right when he turns left and visa versa. It took him 8 months to learn to ride it. And then it took him 20 minutes to learn to ride a normal bike again. I am not sure I agree with his explanation but I do think it has an analogy with addiction. Or no matter what: it is fun :-).

I am happy that I quit in a sort of ‘shit I really need to get a move on and pfiew glad I don’t drink anymore’ kind of way. I am trying to get back to the profoundly happy that I quit but worries get in the way. Now I try to separate the worries from being happy. Logically they are not linked. My mother had cancer and it was breaking down her body. She was still happy, she had learned to separate these. (And I guess she did a lot of hiding her fear and stress….) I miss her so much. I guess this is the hardest part of the price I pay for having spent so much time in lalaland: not having closed the dealing with her death. I thought I had, but the hurt of her going is still there, the unfinished business. More and more I get the feeling to ‘Oooh, I’ll call my mother.’ and then realise she is not here anymore.

I fear: well pffff, shitloads.

I want: to have breakfast

I need: to have breakfast

I take: nothing, just fully sugarless. Less fog but not the clarity I remember from when I was 19. (Ghegheghe….)

Things that went well: the work I am doing, what I do is good. Working with consumers is different: they all want a piece of me, I get e-mails as long as my posts discussing technical things. That is rather tiring. There are a few things that I follow up on and that continue to just go well. I should be proud of / happy with kicking the sugar but somehow I think I should not have get hooked at the first place. Hmmm :-/

And there is something funny going on: I keep on meeting up people who have no money at all and are generally in a rut. Walking along the wrong energy lines here. 🙂 Let’s see how to deal with that.

And with writing that I did not even come to the 3rd thing that is going well. This talking stuff down is pretty much alive in me. Well, with writing down 3 things that are going well or that I have done well I realise that I am never content and always think I should have done better. That revelation is sinking in by now. That is good, in a sad way. Doing it again! My god this is difficult. I guess I need to watch the video again: it takes 8 months to unlearn a pattern if once practises every day. I will add ‘things that go well’ to the list on my egg timer. The current list is ‘stand up straight’ (I try to work standing at least half of the day), ‘shoulders back’ and ‘breathe’. One thing that I did good: type a post. 🙂

I hope you have a happy sober / clean day or evening!

xx, Feeling

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3 thoughts on “It takes 8 months

  1. You do type a great post.
    Did you read Brene Browns the Gifts of Imperfection?
    I keep her definition of perfectionism in my journal to remind me that it’s good to strive to do better, but it only hurts us to expect us personally to meet u achievable standards and be disappointed with ourselves if we don’t.

    It sounds like you are getting on with many things. That’s great. Rejoice!

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Anne :-), I’m not sure I like my posts very much. Too messy but I still don’t want to edit.
      🙂 That book keeps following me since I got sober. When I get back into money it is one of the first things I’ll buy :-).
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I saw this vid on my newsfeed and literally heard the theme from “The Twilight Zone” in my head. I had just discovered it yesterday and was thinking about how similar it was to sobriety and recovery! You’ve done a great job dissecting it here. Keep riding that bike, girly. One day it’ll click :).

    Liked by 1 person

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