These last few days I have been very much confronted with the price I pay for having stayed in Lalaland too long. The above picture is one of lalaland, sort of how it came to me in an Ayahuasca session. I guess what hurts me the most is that, as I wrote this morning, I did not properly say goodbye to my mom. Well, of course I was sober when with her, apart for one time :-/, but I feel I did not get to let go of the grieve correctly. When she died I was already addicted. Which is easy to say because I was addicted from drink one. I think around that time I drank 3-4 nights a week 3-4 pints. With ever so now and then waaaaaay more. I notice that there are layers within me that do not know she’s dead yet. That hurts.
And I feel guilty I blew a fortune of halve a house on what worked out to be ‘trying to set up a company’ in a consumer goods. I am not a flashy consumer marketer. I am an engineer. I should stick with that. Two third of that money was inheritance and one-third of that money was my own but still… I blew it because I was drinking. If I was not I might have pulled the plug out earlier or worked on it more effectively.
Because of the moving into another line of work I let go of my old contacts and network. Not smart. And now I feel too ‘labelled’ with misfortune (and my own label ‘alcoholic’ or ‘addict’) that I do not have the guts to contact them. I guess it will take time before I feel sure enough on my business feet to face these people.
I wrecked my body but what worries me more is that I wrecked my brain. I’m not sure if it is really damaged but I still have this addicty attitude of ‘not wanting to be in the moment’ and I think because of that I register things badly. And I feel so insecure about it that it cripples me when speaking with people of my profession.The price I pay.
I also feel guilty of drinking when the cat got her litter. I had promised myself to not drink 10 days around her date but I made it to day 4 and then drank 2 days half and the 3rd day I had 3 pints and they were born that night. I felt so guilty about that that I was stressed and that stressed the cat too. She was doing fine and suddenly she looked up to me totally insecure asking me ‘What am I doing wrong?’ I immediately realised then that I was just radiating insecurity and fear and she picked up on it. It did teach me a lot, and nothing went wrong but still. It was not good.
And I did loads of stupid things when I was an angry young women. Mostly self destructive stupid things but no matter what, that dragged people around me into the atmosphere of my addiction too. Now I’m just an angry older women.
That’s another point: the not processing of emotions. I spent thousands on therapy and courses which, I don’t know but I guess they would have been twice, three times, ten times as effective if I had not drunk. Not that I drank during the day, but sometimes, with difficult things, I would drink the evening before and the evening after. So… I know now that takes away from the learning effect. Then I just wanted to ‘feel safe’. Which is the nice version of ‘not feel’. And there’s more, but this is a difficult post and I just want to get to bed.
I fear: everything I take: nothing I want: to sleep and not wake up. Wow! (No, not really, just mentioning a tendency, what gets reflected back when I ask. Strange day it is today. I am at 11 or 12 days no sugar and getting bored with what I am eating because I’ve lost interest due to the lack of cravings because I now have a (more) stable blood sugar level. Also, I shop cheap in order to safe money so I don’t get all the tasty expensive stuff. I need to look into that because I have learned that this boredom is the beginning of something bingy coming up. Yes, something bingy coming up: somewhere at 17:00 ish I decided that I had earned sugar. I found that a funny addicty description but I took ginger ale (ale, not the cordial) 1/5 and mixed it with sparking water. I took one sip and felt it going down and it felt bad. Bad, bad, bad. And that is the price I pay for being in lalaland too long: weird shit going on with my health and not enough intellectual stability to deal with that.
Funny enough something in me (it felt like my body) was trying to convince me to take it and I wondered, is this how it would feel to drink alcohol? Feel stupid, feel that it is wrong and still want it? I stuck with the ‘how does it feel’ and put the glas away. And haha, there it comes: I picked it up just in order to see if it still tasted bad. Now THAT is familiar, but in my life only recognisable in others: this is how little kids learn. Tell them they are not allowed to do something and they will test another 2 times if you were serious. Somebody once told me that is not lack of respect or being stupid, it is just how we are wired.
So, I sat down, seeing what would happen, trying to inform myself that sugar is not the same as alcohol and that I should wind down. Did not work. Then I realised that this ‘lapse, relapse, collapse’ thought has very much settled in my brain against my will. I fear that thought itself. Like walking around with a time bomb. I have difficulty dealing with it because it undermines my idea of control (very addicty) but yes, it undermines my idea of control and that is very uncomfortable when it comes to booze. But while I was trying to think, didn’t go very well because of the fear, I wondered: ‘What if it were alcohol? It is not even alcohol and you have difficulty putting it away even though it does not go down well at all. You have tasted it, found that it was foul and still you are yearning? What is going on?’ (parts of me speak to me :-D)
Nothing big happened there apart from me realising that I did think it was awful so why the heck would I drink it? I did not. It did not bother me anymore after I connected with how I had felt. I guess I should practise that because it feels like there is truth in that.
So, I had a shitty day workwise, I DELETED a file for a course / book I had been working on for a few hours. I mean, last time that happened was when I was, what 25? But then found a better way to do the file anew so that was fixed in no time. Maybe that was good, but it did not feel good. I was very tired after that. I think it was good I had the reconnect to feeling with the sugar drink experience. Even though it does sound I have gone over the top with my food things. You know, I do think that I have, but I feel I am not there where I need to be with my health so I continue searching. I do want to get rid of the worries about it, trust my body, but that is hard.
I am happy that I quit in a sort of obligatory (is that the right word?) way. Not really feeling it. That is because I feel little progress. Which is why progress is good. When I feel progress I feel alive and I don’t worry about the happy or not. Meh, too tired, need to get to bed. And again I did not get to the 3 things good. Isn’t that… informative. Another good thing: the cat is going outside again. No, a thing about me. I enjoyed a real nice apple today. 🙂 It was an ecological Granny Smith from Italy. I normally only like these when they are from Argentina, in the season, but this one was very good. 🙂 And I guess that detailed moaning and comparing is making me miserable. Pfffff. I should practise enjoying good things.
Hope you have a GOOD day or evening. 🙂 xx, Feeling
Girlfriend, you are just not giving yourself enough credit here! I think that carrying around all those regrets, about throwing away money, about not saying goodbye to your mom, about drinking at inappropriate times or doing stupid things…. all of this sounds like such a heavy burden to bear. It all sounds so familiar. I have SO many things I wish I could take back – that I wish I’d done differently.
But here’s the thing: I think you’re a much better person than you’re making yourself out to be. You may look at all these things from the past and see a person who is weak or inherently bad, but you want to know what I see?
I see a woman so strong-willed that she’s able to cut out MULTIPLE addictions at one time (sugar AND booze?! How do you do it?) .
I see a woman who loved her mother so very much that she struggles with accepting that she’s gone.
I see a woman BRAVE enough to move to another line of work – abandoning her comfort zone to seek new opportunities.
And most importantly, I see a woman who has made mistakes in her life and made some poor decisions, but is not using that as an excuse to get lost in addiction. She’s battling a difficult illness that has knocked her down multiple times, but she continually GETS BACK UP AGAIN regardless.
That’s who I see when I read your posts. Keep trucking on, you’re doing much better than you’re giving yourself credit for.
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The past is gone forever.
You must forgive yourself first. You are a human being, and as humans we make mistakes.
Hold your head up with courage!
You deserve a life filled with acceptance and love.
Now is your time.
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Aaaah, Wendy, yes. Thank you for your kind words. Some day I guess I will forgive myself. Now I’m just working out what bothers me. I had a talk with the bookstore man and mentioned that I knew I would get addicted at my first glass of beer. And he said: so do you think, if it was that clear, that you could have prevented any of it? I realised I could not. That makes me feel powerless, but it does give peace somewhere. Still don’t understand it though. That might be another chapter. :-).
I have chats with myself too. Sometimes out loud because certain things sound so ridiculous I immediately stop seeing it as a problem 😉
I agree with the above comments, give yourself some credit and take care!
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Ghegheghe, I only put them to paper, might try speaking them. 🙂
I can not move from feeling guilty to accepting without looking into the shit I created. Glad it was not a bus of schoolkids I ran into but it still hurts. I believe this would be step 4 or so in the 12 steps?
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In the words of Frozen feeling ‘Let it go!’ 🙂 xx
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That song is so wonderful in every way – especially as a mantra! ❤
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🙂 Yes, that will take some time and I need to ponder over it before I do in order to understand the extend of what addiction does/did in my life. But I guess at some time I will have to. Not there yet though. 🙂
My dear friend,
I am so proud of you for putting your mind and energy into your work again. This is huge. Even one or two months ago none of this was possible for you. I think very simply you are tired, and starting all this work and cutting sugar at the same time, I’m not surprised you had a craving. What is amazing is how you handled that situation. I know I don’t have that kind of willpower in the moment. You have incredible willpower and awareness.
I want to ask – Are you eating regularly? Maybe you need to set a timer to make sure you have a healthy, balanced snack (almonds & a nectarine or veggie juice?) every couple of hours while you’re working. It sounds like when you get your mind set on something you stay focused for hours. Which is an amazing quality by the way.
Hopefully you can get some rest and some healthy food and feel more balanced soon. If I know you, I see that coming.
I agree with what was already said…maybe one of the most important things we need to learn is how to be easier on ourselves…to breathe away stress and anxiety more easily, to be kind and loving with nous-meme…
Sending you lots of love and freedom…
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🙂 Thank you for your confidence, I had actually forgotten about trusting that it will be ok.
Funny that this comes up just after I wrote to Brad of homewithoutaroof: I don’t do anything on willpower. I do everything on feeling and understanding how it works. My willpower sucks, really. But so far I have not needed it and that worked out well. And I did make a Decision about 10 months ago to quit and become clear, that is true. But that was more of a surrender followed by a paradigme shift than a willpower thing. I can’t quit on willpower because the addiction actually runs on the power road in the opposite direction. So I can want to not drink very badly but the addiction wants to drink very badly so they clash and I have to fight and blegh, I know I’ll loose. So I sidestepped the power clash and look(ed) at urges/cravings from the side sort of ‘Hey, the addict within is running aroud again trying to convince me to join him. Look now he’s making me feel bad about me. Hmmmm, maybe he is not a person I should listen to, he’s pretty destructive.’ Sort of way.
Bookstore man and I had a talk, he put on this song ‘let the sunshine in’. Wow, I had forgotten about it and was not walking that happy road anymore. I guess I am back. 🙂 I am happy that I quit, I am happy that you are my sober friend! Gladly reaceiving your love and freedom sent. ❤ 🙂
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