About feelingmywaybackintolife

Hi, I stopped drinking on the 25 of August 2014 and I hope to never drink again. Nobody in my private life knows that my drinking is was bad and nobody knows I quit. I tried a programme but finally quit by myself with help of the book of Jason Vale. Somehow I have not worked out if and how I want help but I found some sobriety blogs on wordpress and thought that would al least help me to move away from the secrecy that strangles me and give me a daily task and opportunity to work on getting clear drink wise, life wise, intention wise. I write down my process, what I experience, think, feel and do. Please note that I do not subscribe to everything that I put out there; sometimes I will show you the addict, or the addict will show without me knowing it. Sometimes, well I hope most of the time, the true self will be there. I guess there will are mixes as well, I am still trying to work it out. All in all it turned out to be a blog that I feel is rather dark and heavy handed in comparison to my fellow bloggers. That seems to be the flavour of the dish, so I guess that's what I'm having.

Anger. Sadness. Happiness!

Happy? Yep, happy. How come? Different mindset. 2 Weeks ago I informed my boss that I would not be taking on a new contract. The work makes me ill physically and emotionally. The company where I work has difficulty with boundaries because there is no management on the production floor. My boss expects everybody to perform without guidance and he does that on trust. This works for 80% of the work and the other 20% does not get done because people do not feel like it or do not have knowledge on how to do it correctly. Which is exactly how a company loses money. My job is in the 20% but I get no tools or budget to do my business there and quite frankly; most people don’t want their job to change.

I fitted in PERFECTLY since I have difficulty with boundaries I went head first and all in. That got us to a place where we got ourself a top score on an important industry test / audit. But all in all, going head first and all in is never a good idea and that is what will cause havoc later. Now this approach is not useful anymore and in order to stay healthy I need to set boundaries. Due to my nature I have difficulty doing that. As a person I have a weak connection to my ‘starting point’. Based on reliving an experience in the womb where my twin brother died, I believe that my energetic boundaries were crushed in that process and I got ‘dislocated’ in this world – within myself. Without myself. Not sure where I went, how to phrase it, but that’s how it feels. And I am actually pretty sure that is what and how it happened. This is my truth. An uncomfortable one, and one that set me on an unhealthy path but hey, learning experience (?).

So, back to boundaries: don’t have them. Worked ok. Then nearly got me killed by being so overworked and lost in myself that I thought it would be better if I did not exist. Then hope came along in the shape of a book (why are you not surprised? 🙂 ) advised to me by my GP. It is about homeopathic medicine in the weirdest way. And addresses issues like ‘not having boundaries’ and ‘feelings running wild’. Ha! Recognise that? :-). So… while I still thought I had a job I went all addicty on this new stuff and ordered every different dilution of everything I might ever need in my life. 🙂 Spending the amount of a 4 day holiday on that.

I started with Vernix Caseosa (homeopathic dilution obviously!) which is about developing boundaries and partially about incarnating. Obviously a GOOD concept. 🙂 One good thing is that I lost interest in suicidal thoughts. Sounds frivolous but that is what happened; directly after taking Vernix and quitting I did not see suicide as a solution anymore. Guessing that is goodlike. 🙂 Don’t know, because when in that state I think that stepping out is a goodlike. So it balances out, still, meaning that I am not overwhelmed with joy yet. But I have this morality which says that choosing life is better than revoking it. So I guess that sort of settles it, even though it does not add up inside yet.

Well, immediately after taking Vernix (boundaries) I experienced physical sensations where my ‘being’ would reach out to my skin level and be able to exist there. My skin is very, very tight, like always tense, on edge and keeping people, influences, energy out. Now I felt I could relax there. NEW!!

I also experienced the lack of boundaries in my work and other people’s work and all the issues became apparent! So ab-so-lu-te-ly overly right-in-my-face apparent. And gosh I got ANGRY, you can not believe how angry I got. I wrote a 2 pager to burn the my boss’ wife’s department to the ground in explaining them how they do not function in any way. I did not send it out because at my boss question if “Does that make them cry and go home early?” I answered that this would indeed be the intent and goal. So I got a “No.” 😦 Bummer. 😀

So, yep, I was mad! Told my boss I was so angry that I was going home and would work from home till the next day where we would meet. That was ok-ish. Next day he said my attitude had worried him. I kindly replied that if he had worried about other people’s attitudes towards me we would not be sitting here having this conversation.  To which h agreed actually. And then the whole monologue of all the stupidities of my co-workers spilled out and it was dark, dirty but healing to get it off my chest and informative to my boss. Yes, I mentioned my own inability to deal with it too. It is not a one way thing obviously.

Never in my life I had experienced work boundaries so clearly as I did and shit.. whoa…. they hurt. But it hurts more if they are not there. I have experienced that as a sensation, a feeling but that left. I now only know it as knowledge, with my brain – my tendency is still to not like boundaries but, slowly things are changing. No boundaries is a good recipe for pain. As a person with an addictive personality, say more ‘lacking boundaries’ in all ways these can be understood, it is frustrating to come up against them. On one hand I feel the peace of energetically developing boundaries and realising my co-workers cross these day by day. On the other hand the fear of really incarnating within this world, this body drives me nuts when I think of it. Just seconds but whaaaa, the energetic power in that is tremendous. Talk about pressure cooker under pressure. “Breathe, relax, drink water.” But also: “If I am really here, I can be really hurt and they can do to me what they want. So I prefer to be not here.” They = my personal boogeyman.

Ooh, did I tell you I had 2 guys coming up to me congratulating me (or more: themselves) with me leaving “So we can finally, maybe, meet some time after work?”
Wot?!!! And then: Yesssssss!!! Incarnation does have its added pleasures as well. 😀 I had forgotten about that. I had planned on not doing stupid things since both of them are married. Once is actually married with two women at the same time and not living with either – that is very well possible in the Middle East. Is he an ass? Well, he’s been set up by his parents who married him off at 19 and has not seen his wives in ages. Does that make it ok? Don’t know. On the one hand I am thinking I should not get carried away in this. On the other hand: he is a freakishly handsome son of gods and my brain shuts down when I see him, my knees buckle…. who am I to go against nature? Ok, weak excuse.

Did I mention boundaries before? And developing them? Ha! Out comes karma to lay down another trap disguised as a young Eastern prince with a gorgeous appearance coming up to me and literally offering himself because “I can feel you are interested in me.” Ooh yes! Obviously I said; “No.” because work.

I have been interested since day one that I saw him. Even though we hardly ever spoke he felt that and acted upon it. Luckily I have developed a natural shyness when it comes to intimacy since being sober but indeed I did shave armpits this morning. And you all know what starting to shave means. Sigh. Well, in a month time I will be free of the contract and we shall see. No chipper frolicking before hand. 😀

People think my boss is going to ask me to stay. He certainly started to appreciate me again when I was training him to take over my job. That was good fun. 🙂 I am going to miss this. He organises my brain very nicely. I appreciate that.

All in all things have been difficult for a few days when being over the top, out of this world angry, until, haha, I read up in my ‘Inspiring homeopathy’ book from Tinus Smits who, says the next step in the homeopathic process of this extreme anger. Which is only logical obviously because the biological purpose of anger is to guard our boundaries. And when I get aware of boundaries no wonder anger pops up. Duh?!

So…. Would I have not given up my job if I would have been aware of this? I think so. So is it a bad idea to leave? Not sure. Today I am ok, after 3 days of weekend. But on a daily base I bike to and from work crying. Which is 14-15 kilometers of crying. That is quit  a lot. Officially I do not have the right to unemployment benefits because I ‘left’ and did not get fired. Hoping my boss will help me out with that because I need some rest to regroup. But he actually is not like that, says that able-bodied people should not receive benefits.

My family thinks I should have / should call in sick and get sick leave money. Which is understandable because the situation actually makes me sick. But I don’t want to go there because that keeps me in believing that I am unrepairable and victimized while I think I ‘just’ need to finish this neatly and get over it. Like I did with the last job. And ghegheghe… make better choices next time.

If I had put any thought to this when I started the job I would have known this would happen, actually, I knew this was going to get out of hand due to management lacking. I did not know about the verbal sexual abuse and neither of the other almost 20 ‘tips’ the boss’ wife was going to give me on my appearance. 😦 I think I would not have felt so absolutely alone if that had not happened. Possibly I could have dealt with the other issues better if I had felt supported and felt that I could actually say something about it to my boss. But he’s going to hate his wife for this – he is very much against any of her demeaning jokes and bully behaviour. So I can not tell him. Crying now. All is totally natural and understandable and totally unfair and I feel so powerless in this.

What I did learn as well is that, apart from all that is lacking in me, I have tremendous business insights in process and where the money is made and where it is not. I sense where things are going wrong in an instance and see through all the mechanisms quickly. I quickly come up with solutions which are complete and sustainable, including the human factor which, in this company often means: teaching, restoring respect, having personal contact, improving team spirit by working on tiny ‘stupid’ issues as complaints like: “They never inform me when they leave or ask me if I need help.”

I am happy that I quit. In many ways. But I am worried about why I keep on ending up in companies with women crossing all kinds of boundaries with me. Not sure how to approach. If anybody has a tip there I am eager to hear. 😦 Apart from me developing some boundaries so that people do not even THINK of crossing them. Pfff. I already look like a fricking schoolteacher without money, I can’t really downgrade even more without being picked up by the police for tramping.

Ok, gheghe, maybe I should change the name of this blog into ‘struggles of a non repairing addict’. But no! I am actually happy ever so now and then lately! Not having to do the frustrating, shitty parts of work in my job anymore make it very relaxing. Knowing that I can actually leave is very nice even though I am very sad and I do not want to, I’m thinking my time here is up and I have wrecked myself yet again / let myself be wrecked again. Whatever. Not healthy. Can’t deal. Leaving for new pastures, nothing left to lose here.

I am happy to see what lies ahead. As I realise I still have a lot to lose, don’t want to be disrespectful to those who have lost more than I. But I am happy that I am free to change. Something is in the air. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. This is an exciting journey. A women who loves herself would have loved herself a little earlier possibly so it would not have to come to quitting jobs, being overworked, feeling down and miserable. BUT, then I would not have gotten informed of the new homeopathic stuff I found so…. there is a silver lining here. 🙂

Wishing you a happy, sober new day.

xx, Feeling

 

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Sleep disorder re-blog from SMART Recovery®

If found this a very good article. Also: 20 years ago something I read that people who sleep well when in early recovery have way, way more change to ‘succeed’ at it.

I myself would add:

  • no exciting TV
  • Some herbal teas might be helpful, give it a try. Also: if a herb tea says ‘envigorating’ or ‘morning tea’ it is a good idea to not drink this in the evening. 😀
  • We are built to sleep when the light turns off. We have set up a society where we keep ourselves awake with coffee and TV etc. Try not using these in the evening for a week and see what time you start yawning. I bet, in winter it is aroung 21:00 ish! Really really! 🙂

I am happy that I quit, if only because then I do not have to do it all over again.

xx, Feeling

Sleep disorders are a common struggle in recovery from addiction Guest blogger, Alisa, Nestmaven.com According to a study in the Journal of Addiction Medicine, the incidence of insomnia is five times higher in early recovery than in the general population. Insomnia is not the only sleep disorder associated with addiction; contribute to the development of…

via How to improve your sleep while in addiction recovery — SMART Recovery®

Bewaren

Recovery 2.0 – free online conference on recovery

Hello!

In two days the free online conference on recovery, called ‘Recovery 2.0’ by Tommy Rosen will start again. Sign up here!

For those who are new to recovery: check it out!

For those who are not new to recovery: check it out! 😀

I am happy that I quit.  A woman who loves herself would take better care of herself than I do. :-/ Self-care is still an issue unfortunately.

Wishing you a nice sober evening/day.

xx, Feeling

 

 

Beautiful insights

When reading around in the sober blogosphere it seems to me that next to the euphoria of quitting, the pink clouds, feeling down, being depressed is also a part of becoming sober. It is my (non-medical) opinion that this depression is part of the process we are in. It is nasty. It is ‘un-fair’ ‘since I am being a good girl now…. why should I not be happy..?’ It is difficult because we do not have our buddy in the bottle to ‘cheer us up’.  And above all it is difficult because having the interior design of an addictive personality we (i!!!) prefer happiness, pink clouds and quick fixes to looking at my life, my life skills, my food, my exercise, my ever so non-existing meditation and yoga practice. So… it might feel like getting there is no long end to this stick and we receive both short side. Well, I think you know what I mean?

Life is set up to balance out: eat too much elephant -> get fat -> can’t chase the elephant -> no food -> lose weight. And also: eat too much elephants -> no elephants left -> no food > starve -> no chasing of elephants -> more elephants.

quote-in-nature-there-are-neither-rewards-nor-punishment-there-are-consequences-robert-green-ingersoll-283891

And this is how it works with depression as well – again, this is my not medical and never  humble opinion.

But eh, TOTW found some real interesting info and wrote this beautiful post which includes all of this with some links to back it up! Hear! Hear! 🙂 🙂 🙂

Again, many thanks to you TOTW. ❤

The last couple of days I seem to have emerged from my depression to a degree. It’s a relief. I still don’t feel 100% but I’m a lot better than I was. I was listening to podcasts at work last weekend and during an interview I heard Paul Chek say that things in the natural […]

via Aha! moments — tired of treading water

 

And quitting again…

This morning I quit my job. As in: told my boss that I could not accept the new contract he offered me last week. Not sure how to feel yet; going from sad, to free, to disappointed in myself and I have to admit: a little anxious about the future. The money I have still partially belongs to the tax-office so that’s a bummer. Finding another job should be high on my list. But not today.

And here I was writing this absolute rational explanation of why I quit – again without having any prospect of another job. I get so involved in my job that I can not look for another one without feeling that I betray my boss. I know that is stupid and overdone something / not my worry, but I can’t. So I don’t. And up to last week I was reasonably sure about staying.

This is one of these posts where I just write to get things of my chest, see where it all ends up, try to find out what is underneath it all. I have been thinking of leaving ever since I worked there/here. Or more accurately: as living in a real Feeling mode I really want to stay and I really wanted to quit. There will be people who say that one should not take decisions like this on ‘feel’. I do because I can not deal with the BS I get presented on a daily base. Every move forward in the project I am working on gets twisted and turned and undone by the lack of support I get from my boss / the single-mindedness and lack of education / ability to speak either Dutch / English / German of the staff. They just do not do their jobs and get away with it. And I am responsible for the results, but I do not have the permission or the tools to change things. Sometimes I do, and then it gets taken away – and given back again, and taken away, and promised but not followed up and…. I am tired.

My boss asked if it was a decision made on personal grounds (as in, he knows I have been pretty down lately) I told him yes and no: I just do not get anything back from what I put in. And that frustrates me. “A lot goes just plain wrong and there is nothing I can do about it while knowing that it is of the utmost importance that it does go right.”

To which he replied, sadly: “There is a lot that goes wrong here.”

I really feel for him, feel like I am letting him down. I can see the nasty spot he is in, and I really like to help him, but I can not stay without hurting myself. And that is when things need to end. So again, looking for another place in this world. He said he was sorry to see me leave. I said I was sorry I had to quit in order to keep myself from drowning.

Not sure what I learned here. That I can do great things. And that I can sink in the same time. That team is very important and management support too. Also learned that quitting a job gets easier once you do it more often. Not sure if this is good sober advice though. 😀

Ok, one bit of slander, one of the three things which together made up this final drop which causes the bucket to overflow – because it made me very sad, bitter and tired.

Last week we failed an audit over something big which could have been solved easily with 15 minutes work. The guy who was responsible kept on affirming that he ‘had it all under control’ and that I should ‘mind my own business’.  When, in the audit his stupidity was found out he had the audacity to ask me to explain to the auditor what he did wrong and secondly could, while doing that suddenly ‘not remember’ who informed him of his erroneous ways in the first place :-/.

I do not feel supported. It is an empty feeling, it sucks the life out of me. 😦 I am not without mistakes. Have made plenty. Somehow I am always 1/2 step ahead so it must look like I have it all sorted out. I had a boyfriend like that once – I hated it. I do not know how to change the dynamics in that. And now I do not have to anymore.

Not sure where to go next. I am tired. I have several free days left, almost a month. Not sure if I want them in money or free time. 😦 Not sure I will be replaced. My earlier business advice to my boss was to forget about the program I am doing, fire me and get a production lead instead.

I am happy that I quit. Currently I am not sure what the F but I guess that will work itself out one of these days.

I am sad. I already miss my boss and some of the supportive colleagues. Both emotions surprise me. Well, I did not really think ahead. I just need to get out not to drown.

A woman who loves herself would make sure she takes it easy as not to tip the scales. She would take care of herself. Not sure I love myself. Can’t really do the big caring things. I can go to bed now. That is good. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober day/evening. Do not follow my example in quitting your job ‘just like that’. It was by no means ‘just like that’ but it hurts too. I feel like I do not, can not belong anywhere. Time for bed it is.

xx, Feeling

52 Celebrities who do not drink alcohol

Here are 52 celebrities who do not drink alcohol. I am sharing to counteract the drinking idiocy in this world.

And since I got your attention a little WordPress tip about adding internet links to your WordPress post. Ever so now and then I go in teaching mode, today is the day.

PUTTING LINKS IN YOUR POSTS

You can add links to other internet pages by clicking the Insert/edit link button in the button bar in the top:

insertedit

A pop-up appears:

openinotherwindow

URL
In the top field URL you copy-paste the full internet address (http://…… ) to the page you want to link to. You can actually link back to your own posts as well. See below under ‘Link to existing content’.

LINK TEXT
In the second box ‘Link Text’ you can write text, a word or a sentence,  which appears blue in your post. When people click this link they will be linked to the link you proposed.

I mainly do not type in the Link Text box. I do it the other way around: I select the text in my post which I want to turn blue and then press the Link/edit button. This way the ‘to be linked to text’ is already automatically filled in in the Link Text field.

OPEN LINK IN A NEW WINDOW/TAB
Check this box so that your reader will open the link in a new browser tab. This is a good option because they will not have to press the ‘Page back’ button to return to your post. They can just close the tab of the linked page and automatically come back to your post  and read the rest. Why is this important? Well, some external sites do not even let the reader return to your original post! So the reader needs to restart WordPress, find your post, check where they left off and then continue reading. :-(. Checking this box prevents all of that.

LINK TO EXISTING CONTENT
First time you use ‘Insert/edit link’ this list could be empty, not sure. After that it fills with the links you have used before and the headers of posts you have written before (more recently). Scroll up and down to find links and select by clicking them.

CANCEL / ADD
Add the link to your post by clicking the Add button. And obviously Cancel if you want to cancel.

EDIT LINK
If there is something wrong with the link in your post you can select the link in your text by clicking the blue text. A small pop-up will appear. Pressing the pencil button will bring you back to the edit mode. Pressing the x button will remove the link. linkexample

I just removed the above link and then realised that I had closed the tab with the external link I was linking to. So I pressed Ctrl – Shift – T simultaneously. This restores tabs which you have closed. Pressing this button combination several times restores all the tabs which you have closed in the session you had in this browser. Ctrl. – Shift – T does not work after closing and reopening your browser. When you need to find historical internet pages after that having closed your browser you can open the browser again and browse through its history – there is a button for that somewhere. Unless obviously your safety settings are on  automatically deleting browser history.

FYI: I found out that with Ctrl – Shift – T I can actually return INTO my online banking program without entering my username and password again! So…. always logout when using online banking programs, never just close the tab.

Hope this post has been of help to somebody. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Mostly because now there is a possibility to take my life into my own hands. Not that I am using the possibility yet but I guess that is exactly the next step in un-addicting. I quit drinking, was stoked about that, came into trouble and developed other, less harmful, addictions but still…  So there still is this big need to ‘not exist’ as I call it. And a lot of what I do in daily life, Netflixing, eating, being busy at work, having problems, getting lost in them, getting lost in depression, is part of how my addictive personality prefers to deal with life. Somehow I thing that self-destruction is safer and less painful than living and being present. And every time I consider this and try to feel into the situation of living and being alive I immediately connect that to falling victim to sexual predators. They don’t want sex so much as they want Life’s energy, to feel alive. When I play dead it will not happen. The other day I heard myself say in despair “I did not gain 30 kilo’s and turn grey to still be harassed!” that’s eh, and eye opener.

So, not living keeps me safe from pain. If I look at that behaviour from an addiction standpoint one could say that I choose to not live in order to not feel. That is an addiction to misery. I want to control my feelings by taking the dark look upon life. When I am sitting here writing this it is all very clear. And it is very clear how it is not helping me. And judging by my heart rate now it is also very clear that I am scared of changing.

Which brings me to my judgement about alternative medicine. On the one side I just love what I find in the fringes and outskirts of the medical world. On the other side I feel I ‘should be able to do this on my own’. I do not understand that. Ooh, yes! I do! It is the reverse logic of ‘if I do not go to the doctor, I am not ill’. :-). If I do not take extra care of me, it proves that there is nothing wrong with me. Ghegheghe…. I had that conversations with my mother once actually. She ‘invented’ this reverse logic of not going to the doctors.

Choice is what we have been given. I think it is good for me to to try this concept instead of being thrown around by everything and nothing. 🙂 Let’s see.

If I let go of my judgement about what I should be, what life should be like, what I should be able to do (transform my personality without external help) I can actually live and suddenly all kinds of possibilities open up. It is funny in a not so funny way, this denial of help. I do not want other people pushing me, pressing me, energetically racing in and trying to change stuff within me. I guess if that is how I view help I do not welcome it. Logical. So when looking for help I need to take into consideration that not everybody is able to give that what I need. Actually I realise I have this perception that if I need help, I am stupid, so I need to accept whatever people put on me and deal with them putting me down over it.

There is arrogance and pride in that from my side too: the assumption that needing help is stupid. Also I am thinking asking for help never used to be free. I associate being helped with others being irritated about that, being put down by helpers exactly disregarding what I ask for because they feel that I am not worthy of asking what I need,  sighing, anger, irritation. The trade being: if I help you I get to put you down, to feel better than you and make you feel stupid. Much irritation and judgement. Guess that is a good enough reason to be afraid of it. 🙂

But I am happy that I quit, so I can actually have a look at those assumptions and possibly change the unhealthy ones. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would go let the cat in, have a shower, go outside, walk, do some shopping, cook something according to my new Ottolengi book and read a book tonight. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober weekend. Do not forget to pay attention to the Halloween time of the year:  take time to sleep so you can dream well and see what messages come through from the others side of the veil. 🙂

xx, Feeling

I’m off the fence when it comes to Teal Swan

Not about me, not about sobriety but a beautiful example of being human. And it is also my support to somebody who helped me greatly.

I have learned a lot from Teal. I have also doubted her and expressed clearly that she is not to everybody’s taste. This video changed that within me. It is about taking stance AND being vulnerable and open at the same time. I had difficulty ‘finding’ her as a human. For future reference for myself I would like to mention (to me :-)) that the part around 0:50 where she explains what different parts her character is built up off made clear what difficulty I had.

Teal has a lot of antagonists who actually attack her in all kinds of ways. This video is an answer to them because their ways by now affect her daily life and that of her loved ones so badly that she can not not react.

“What would a woman who loves herself do?” comes from her.

 

A woman who loves herself would go to bed. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I am daring to do all kinds of special stuff at work, I just (?) let go off doubting myself and went with what I thought is ok. Well, I had no choice I think. Rock-bottom situation flipping upside down. There is no ground so solid as rock-bottom.

Wishing you all a good night/day ❤ ❤ ❤

xx, Feeling