About feelingmywaybackintolife

Hi, I stopped drinking on the 25 of August 2014 and I hope to never drink again. Nobody in my private life knows that my drinking is was bad and nobody knows I quit. I tried a programme but finally quit by myself with help of the book of Jason Vale. Somehow I have not worked out if and how I want help but I found some sobriety blogs on wordpress and thought that would al least help me to move away from the secrecy that strangles me and give me a daily task and opportunity to work on getting clear drink wise, life wise, intention wise. I write down my process, what I experience, think, feel and do. Please note that I do not subscribe to everything that I put out there; sometimes I will show you the addict, or the addict will show without me knowing it. Sometimes, well I hope most of the time, the true self will be there. I guess there will are mixes as well, I am still trying to work it out. All in all it turned out to be a blog that I feel is rather dark and heavy handed in comparison to my fellow bloggers. That seems to be the flavour of the dish, so I guess that's what I'm having.

Socialising is good

Hi everybody,

Just dropping in to say hi and tell you that socialising is good. Thank you all for your comments, hugs and wise words. I went out for dinner yesterday with 2 good friends and received some real beautiful real life hugs and was listened too and cheered up. These hugs, the listening and advice were added to all your online reactions and it restored some of my lifeliness.:-)

Slept well but woke up early. Went to work late, bought my boss a package of his favo cookies and apologised forΒ  walking out. He was generally ok with me having a too bad a mood to work; ‘Happens sometimes’ he unpacked the cookies and beamed me his brightest, brightest, brightest smile. It is nice to have a boss who is also human and who can receive cookies well if I screw up. πŸ™‚ And then gave me a seasoned, professional, motivated help for 2 days in the week! Yay! The help is a real nice guy who can actually listen and is interested in the process. Me! Happy! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

And so the rollercoaster goes up again. I wonder if I will ever learn to trust. I guess other people have a partner to tell them that it is going to be ok.

Also, I met my predessor today, she left about a year ago and was not followed up. She informed me of another randomly planned audit from government side. Ok….. that is…. a surprise…. Just when I thought I had seen it all. πŸ˜€

Today I managed to, at some moments, figure out what a woman who loves herself would do which is good. Tomorrow is Friday. I still find it mindboggling how difficult it is to really care for me. How easy I abondon myself. How this ‘not caring for me’ has been a lifelong trait. I did decide to drastically cut down on my hours for 2 reasons: working overtime is eating in at my efficiency right now and also I am not caring for myself anymore because I am too tired. But I found out yesterday, and before, that this behaviour brings me to the edge of the abyss in no-time. I did not want to drink yesterday. But the forces of self-destruction were amazingly strong and that is, I don’t know, tempting? I am tired of falling down and having to get up.

“If you are tired of starting over again, stop giving up.”

I guess in these downfalls I notice that I work through sobriety without external ‘addiction’ help apart from blogging. I have been to one AA meeting, must have been over half a year ago. I guess I will go again. I am still not sure about the tax returns of 2014 and 2015, and not sure about the housing support over 2016 so I do not know what money in my bank is mine. So I don’t go to my therapist either because I fear I might not be able to afford it later on. Funny how I realise that I can sort any of it out in almost ‘no-time’ but don’t. Yes I do have a job at a highly skilled level and no I still do not make a lot more than a production worker. We’ll see what the future brings. For now I don’t spend a lot. I do however buy more organic food just because it makes me feel better. And no meat and more cheese. Thinking of slowly walking towards half veganism, half vegetarianism with maybe 1 times meat in the month. It is a compassion and spiritual cleanliness thing; when looking at the meat and dairy industry I see only wrongdoings. It is horrifying specifically in countries where large megastalls are allowed. I do not think it is good to treat animals, or anybody like that. And it is specifically bad to eat the produce of that commercial abuse. No good can come of mistreating your food, nature or oneself. And still I do. But I also learn. Sometimes too slowly to my taste.

My cat is coming to send me to bed. πŸ™‚ I’m off. Wishing you a good night/day.

I am happy that I quit eventhough currently I have difficulty making heads or tails of this life I lead. It is a bit extreme. Or maybe these are just my reactions. Dunno. It is bedtime. A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. Would have been in bed already. Tomorrow is Friday and then…. it’s weekend!

xx, Feeling

 

The third goose

Fucking karma wheel spinning and spinning. I arrived at work at 7:00, left at 10 ish telling my boss that I was too much in a bad mood to do any good.

Yesterday I realised how little confidence the consultants actually have in us getting the certification and that was, well, revealing. It really put all my hard work into perspective (label: useless). On top of that I asked the head of production to follow procedures exactly as they are and should be and should have been for years and years and the whole department thus finished 2 hours late with everybody complaining about the work. I asked the head of deparment who himself is declared incompetent by my boss (nice) for solutions and he started to smile and smile and smile with his big brown eyes and cute face but gave no answers.

This morning I biked to work realising that I had done it again: invest too much and be disappointed about it. Where yesterday I still thought I could turn the tide of this company today I woke up realising that this is impossible. 1 Person can not undo in 2 months what 20 destructed in 2 years. I realised that again I had lost myself in a company, in workaddiction. I realised that if I could not set myself straight soon, I would not last the 6 month contract and even if I did, at this moment I am not tempted to continue after these 6 months.

This morning I asked Purchasing to give me some delivery times on regular goods which he knows (or should know) of by heart if he is serious about his job and just in time delivery which is required in this line of work. He did not know the answers and told me to look it up myself. Secondly I walked into the warehouse only to find an open box of toxic laying around in a corner while the same deer eyed head of department assured me days ago that ‘all had been fixed’ and that people where now really really really following safety instruction. NOT! This is a knock-out for the audit. So this got me pretty wound up.

Then I spoke with my boss on purchasing some goods which should have been purchased by Purchasing 4 weeks ago. Purchasing replied with ‘can’t find what you are looking for’ while I had actually added a link to exactly the product we required. The moment I press the send button on the finalizing mail aboutΒ  this subject the boss rethinks the situation and says ‘no’. Purchasing was in the cc of the former mail so I mail them:Β  boss changed his mind. At which I get a diatribe of mails on ‘how he does not know how to answer whatever if there is no real question and how should he know what tf if I am not clear’ at which I reply that he was in the cc so fyi only. Even more garbage gets spilled in mail form.

Boss comes back, sits down and says: “I think, in the future, you, I and my wife will be running this company.”

I imploded and exploded internally and said: “Today is not the day to speak about the future with me.” He turned white, red, white again walked of and slammed the door.

I sat there for half an hour trying to hold myself together which did not work. Collegues came in, the nice girl asked me what was up. I told them I was fed up with the situation. Then I tried to work and went to another collegue for some more information. She was very willing to give it to me but her office-mate stormed off saying that he could not work ‘like this’. Slamming the door on his way out. This is the same guy who speaks private nonsense for 15 minutes in my office disturbing 3 people. I have company earplugs so I am not all too bothered.

It was strange to realise a lot of forces against me. I gave up. Told my boss I was going homea and would be back tomorrow. He pretended not to be interested or care but to me it seemed he was boiling inside.

I biked home and saw a set of grey geese with geeselings, first ones this year. There was a third goose, a white one trailing the geeselings and offering them food, trying to be part of the family. It was so sad. The image so much compared to my life where I want to be part of the boss and his wife’s family company but, I mean, it can not be. It is not natural. Even though I just got offered the third spot. Such misconception that I could fit in. There is no such thing.

That was 10 o’clock. It is 17 something now and I am still all over the place. Cheese, chips and chocolate only go so far. Spoke with a dear friend, that helped. And then again I cried and cried and cried and cried and realised that loneliness is eating away at my heart, my very core. That my work/love addiction has taken me places again. Story of my life: I can not fit in. I am too different and when the shit hits the fan I loose from all those who do not give a shit.

I do not think I can be me any longer. It just hurts. I do not understand what the fuck I am doing wrong. I can not live like this. It just hurts. And then the internal addict walks in and says; “Why don’t you go get some beers? That would be better than slitting your wrists.” Another trap. So many traps addiction lays out. I don’t know what to do anymore. Take care of myself. Yes, well yeah, this is the position I arrive in when I don’t. I am sick of having to learn that. Which is because I have no resevers left because I did not take care of me. Tired of doing it all by myself. Which is logical because we people are not meant to be living alone for so long. If I don’t set boundaries the outside world, or what I currently experience as the outside world (like my body…. being tired….) will. Effing addict complications. Kut karma.

I’m off to take a shower. See if it will wash away. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit in a very angry way. Angry at myself that I am not more mature. Aah, there is an opening, I am scared of what people at my work will think because I went home. Scared of what my boss will think. Scared that he right at this moment decides to kick me out anyway. Lesigh…. I just want peace. Or maybe I can’t deal with that and that is why I screw things up. 😦

Off to take a shower.

xx, Feeling

If I asked you to name what you love, how long does it take for you to mention yourself?

It has been a while since I wrote. My life has been another (?) roller coaster of emotions with the new job and working 45-50 hours a week. 2 Weeks ago I had another one of those immense panick attacks where my legs gave in, my heart raced through my body, faltering ever so now and then and I had this continuous feeling of fainting. It was at my work so I asked help from a co-worker. She was really nice and understanding. Even though I have been writing posts since the last one but never pushed the publish button. Did not want things to be real I guess. πŸ™‚

Edit: this is a post which could be renamed; ‘moaning’. Not upset if you don’t read. πŸ™‚

The job I have is the toughest one I ever had. I am exactly where I need to be to learn what I need to learn but shit, it is tough. The pressure with the upcoming company audit is high and eventhough I have been in this company for 3 months ‘already’ there have not been 5 minutes the same. Well, obviously there have been some repetitive things but most of it is new, new, new, new, new, new, new. Should I be there? I guess I should. My boss guesses I should. His admiration of my is lessening – thank God, it was starting to become unbearable, I feel locked up in this glass house, in stardom and people around me seemed to start to wonder what is going on. I want things to be normal. I want to be able to fail and still be carried by the organisation and my boss. We had a talk about perfectionism. I need it for my job because that we are looking to get certified for a system of gazillion details. If I had the time it would be perfect. I don’t have the time. The company does not have the time. We don’t have the time. So I need to move quicker. My solution to receiving criticism was to be ‘even more perfect’. Perfection is such a trap. πŸ™‚

I remember this moment when I was about 4 years old and saw a beautiful, very fashionable woman who, with her appearance held power over people. I wanted to be as perfect and powerful as she was so nobody would ever hurt me again. Perfection for me serves two purposes: one is being untouchable and safe. The other drive is me wanting to be part of something and thinking this can only happen if I am flawless. I notice now in my work and personal life that being untouchable does not make people trust or like me – I am learning that over the years I have never showed them me. I have showed the world an outwardly projected image of what I wanted to be. A mask. I need show who and what I am for people to be able to live. I suffocate myself if I don’t.

Anyway, what I wanted to write about is NOT my struggle with being in love with yet another person in my life. Somehow I do not feel safe anymore to be discussing this. It is a big one. I don’t even think it is personal, just a biological response to feeling unsafe.

We regularly meet through work. Most of the time I am ok, but whenever he is in an agreeable mode and very positive about and towards me it is hard not to be touched by his energy. At one point I felt so locked up in the situation that I threw a Tarot on it and well, the explanation of the situation was the intense meeting of male and female energy and the solution was Love. I thought: I can do the Love bit, it does not have to be lust. It can be Universal Love and appreciation of life’s energy. Gonna try to stick to that.

Other subject, or possibly the same, or at least related. The memories of my womb-brother dying next to me keep on hitting me at all moments. Little logic to the timing. It is very hard, sitting at my desk, filling in a spreadsheet and suddenly being overwhelmed with grieve over somebody who I regarded as my other self dying next to me. I think it has to do with the phase of discovery of this subject of womb-twin syndrome I am in, also I assume that the stress I am under attacks my life force and makes me believe my life is in danger. Well, I guess that is how I roll. Always have. I have no way of coping other than accepting that this is happening, feeling through, realising how this experience has shaped me. I guess one day all things will fall into place. I realise that I, with some of the men I meet, want to recreate that womb feeling of him being me and I being him. The bookstore guy was one of them.

Well, loads of the usual moaning. What I really want to write about is how, how, how…. I forget to take care of myself easily. I do not think I have cleaned my house more than once in 3 months. (Yuck!) I do clean my bed every week, do the dishes, I do change into new undies and a T-shirt every day, jeans get washed every 3 days but the house is a mess. Under all the bravado of ‘being so fantastic’ at my job I am scared to death that I will fail and somehow, well, am ashamed upfront so badly that I do not care for me anymore. Why is it that I do not even remember to ask myself ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’ Why don’t I write here? What, after all the shameful shamelessness I turned digital here, do I hesitate now to be here and write, sort stuff out?

Looking back I over the past 2,5 years (yes! :-)) I had/have (?) a strong thing going for myself. Being happy that I quit, always a reminder for me to feel gratitude for quitting, to check in on me. And now? I scorn myself, I berate myself, I dislike myself, feeling so inadequate, thinking I should be ‘further along the growth line of sobriety’, I hate my lonely heart which flies out to meet this new (married!!) man in my life. I look down on myself because I am ashamed of AGAIN falling for some guy even though he himself really is trying to show off his charm.

Not sure what is happening. I’m thinking if I am not perfect I do not have the right to exist. Today I tried tapping (EFT) on the subject. That actually really helps. The thing that pops up after layers of layers of layers of disliking myself is “Mama why don’t you love me?” Somehow now I prefer to punish myself for being unloveable (let’s say, fall in love with the worst man possible, can cost me my job, my income, my pride) instead of dealing with the immense loneliness of realising that my mother was had a dislike towards me. Only in the last 1,5 years of her life this changed into like and love. Well, realising this actually does make me feel better. So it is either loneliness or berating myself and selfdestructing. Trying to sit with it.

If you would ask me what I love in life, I would not be on the list I guess. I find it amazing how long this struggle takes. Guessing that it took me 44 years to get addicted, it will take at least one month for every year to reverse things and still: that might be true if I were working on it day and night. I’m not. I don’t even ask myself what a woman who loves herself would do.

I went to the hairdresser today. Scared to cut off the last bit of old dyed hair. My going grey is directly and strongly related to the decission to quit drinking. I feel I am not ready to let go of the last old dyed bit because I have not done what it takes yet in order to be sober / clear. I have transferred my alcohol addiction to work addiction, Netflix, chocolate, cheese and chips. I still feel ashamed of what I have destructed in my life with booze, ashamed because I squandered my mothers inherritance.

It is evening now, reading back what I wrote (pretty much against my own rules but hey… my blog πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ ) I did change some stuff

A woman who loves herself would actually start to work on being more positive. And if it does not come from the inside, getting it from the outsid by Bach remedies would be a good idea. This moaning is soooo boring. But first she would sleep. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit though at work some people referred to it as ‘ridiculous’ that I did not want to eat tiramisu dessert which has some kind of alcohol in it. Not nice. I am happy that I quit, if only because I don’t want to have to do it all over again. πŸ™‚ I am happy that I quit because I feel like my life is now leading me to places where I can learn instead. And I do learn and I do not drink and that intensifies the learning. And the pain. But the pain is optional. ‘Just’ have to learn not to walk that path of preferring self destruction over Life. Life was never meant to suffer. If anything Life is meant to be lived. And from Life comes the wish to learn and proceed, that is just within our genes; look at kids, babies already want to get ahead, do stuff just because it is fun. And somehow when we (i!) become (became) adult this all changed. Then I got sober and the joy came back. Then I got hooked on sugar and the joy disappeard. I know what I should do and somehow I can not seem to let go of the chocolate because it is my friend. πŸ˜‰

Awfull post. Too much moaning. I’m off to bed.

I hope you are happy too that you quit and (un)like me does what a woman who loves herself does.

xx, Feeling

Guess who got a 25% raise today?

This life of mine is so strange. I got a 25% raise today. Just like that. Given to me. I did tell him that I think 50% is appropriate. He answered that with a raise like that he would want to revise the contract and he is willing to do that in 4 months. How strange is this. He said he had underestimated the job and also ‘I am not going to keep on saying this but I think you do a very, very good job.’

Ghegheghe, how about not being able to celebrate good fortune? I IMMEDIATELY moved into impostor fear. What if I can not deliver now I got a raise. Roller coaster from there on. How do other people deal with things like this?

And also: I got some money from the government to cover part of my rent cost and health insurance: I will not be getting that anymore. So… all in all… Well, that is ok. I need to climb out of that hole at one point in my life.

Next thing I went back to my old work this afternoon to return some DVD’s. There was no magic there. Everything looked familiar but was not ‘mine’ anymore. I told the nice guy I had missed him. He did not reply. So I guess there is no love lost there.

Now I am sick because of half a bar of white chocolate. πŸ™‚

I’m going to relax, have a bath possibly, go to bed early so I can get 9 hours sleep. Need to do a presentation tomorrow. Number 3 in a row of 6 or possibly 12. Boss is going to be there for the first time. That was ok when I found that I earned too little. Now it suddenly is a pressure. Ghegheghe, don’t wish too hard, it might come true.

In between I am reading Amrut Laya ‘The stateless state’ – no, this is not a political book (or might be, dunno yet) it is about states of being. And it says that one has to get rid of pride or otherwise one will not find their true Self. πŸ™‚ It aims for the same thing I thought I should aim for: clarity, seeing things for what they are, being true, being clear. So that’s cool.

I am happy that I quit. Today I find my life strange. I am happy that I do not drink anymore otherwise I would have gone on a bender and I would never have discovered my mood swing. I did eat too much chocolate though. Yuk. Time to learn something there.

A woman who loves herself would have a shower and go to bed. Let it all settle overnight. This is what I’ll do. πŸ™‚

Wishing you a nice sober day/evening. I am off to bed and will see how life continues tomorrow. Sleep = good.

xx, Feeling

Life slowly returns to, well, what?

Life slowly returns to pre-ultra-active addiction phase. I am working at the level I did before I got into active addiction. And something is bugging me so I ask myself:

What would a woman who loves herself do? She would clean the room. 13:57 – 14:30 hours

I thought I could continue to write but ask myself: What would a woman who loves herself do and she would call a friend and ask for advice. Did so. Now I am back to the computer. And the sun is coming out. I need to change the mode I am in, not hang around here. Work is overwhelming. The external consultants think the deadline for the audit I am preparing for is not feasible but my boss is not happy to change it. I feel like I am being set up for failure. But pushing the audit out a few months, 3 would be reasonable, makes it so that it is after the end of my contract. So I feel I can not bring that up. Also, I feel that I am not making enough money for the responsibilities I have been given. Making double the amount would not at all be strange, I did not pay enough attention when applying, thought is would all be less difficult. I specifically do not make enough for the way I fill in the requirements for the function. But I feel I am in this tight spot where I say: “I am very good, do not earn enough, but I am not meeting the requirements and need more money and more time.” I have difficulty doing so. Don’t know how to deal.

Next thing: I think and fear the external consultant is gas lighting me to sabotage the project. The project is very extensive, includes a manual requirements for procedures to be set in place which is 200 page long. Those are only the descriptions. Each sentence can mean a day of work to get the procedure in place. They say it takes about 3 years to know the whole process. The consultant is helping but he does not give boundaries and priorities. He also contradicted himself the other day on a point where 2 weeks earlier he had said was ‘on of the most important procedures’ to show ‘we’ve got this system up and running for at least a few months’ while now he said ‘no need to do so’ and ‘go make those drawings’ (which in my eyes are of little importance) of which he says ‘well, everything needs to be done, this too’.

It brings me trouble because I do not want to work like I am checking a person and keeping a record. But he probably is. And the details are so many that I can not see through them anyhow so… Nasty.

And I need to keep sober. Not that I think drinking will solve anything but that is the person now who can, but only just, take care of me. If this continues there comes a time that I do not want to take care of me and that I want to forget and not feel.

I rewrote my ‘About‘ page today. Should have kept a copy of the old. Did not. The new page says that:

I compare being sober with a pressure cooker: I would build up pressure because of not/underdeveloped life skills, experienced pain and stress followed by ineffective coping techniques, then I would drink to let the steam off. Obviously the way to let steam off only got me into more trouble but it took me to age 44 while to find that out. In sobriety I think I need to:

1 learn to not build up steam and
2 let go of it differently.

I need to learn to not build up steam too much. I thought I did so by leaving my former job and looking for a new one. I guess I underestimated the level of overwhelm that this project brings. If I would still be a consultant myself I would be working around the clock to set things straight. But then I would be making 6-8 times my current salary AND I would be drinking to deal with the stress. I find it difficult to come to a

So yeah, I have, unknowingly been set up for failure. My boss admits that he has underestimated things. He has another project which is going haywire because the people he put on it are not doing their job. At some point last year he made 3 decisions which do not at all support the structure of the company and now it needs all his time to set these straight. I see that. Me being self-supporting makes it very easy to forget about my project. However… is it possible that he was as enthusiastic about them as he was about me in the first place? And now I am looking for a way to quench the firesΒ  and the overwhelming powers of shame about my assumed incompetence, of shame because I am being lied to by the consultant, of shame and pain about the memories of the culture of deceit I grew up in, of pain about not being in contact with my brother and SIL because of what happened due to that, of anger about my salary, of shame about my incompetence of dealing with salary, shame about me having been addicted and being in such a state at age 47, all of these fires are burning inside. First drink thought since ages came up last Friday. I was very happy that the friend I went out for dinner with drank tea instead of alcohol. I guess if she would not have done so I would have asked her to change to soft-drinks.

I now understand how I got myself into drinking in my early working time by being overtaxed and needing to rewind quickly. It is Sunday afternoon now. I have been thinking of work 24/7 for a few weeks now with breaks only when I sleep and even then I can dream about this.

I need an arm around me. The realisation that having a partner can make a change in this is big. A friend of mine is moving out-of-town, she and her boyfriend are buying a house of 500.000 Euro’s, it needs rework. I feel ‘left behind’. I suddenly feel all the work I put into getting sober and being sober has been stupid because I was stupid to become addicted in the first place.

You know, dealing with addiction is not a big thing when all goes well, it is difficult when I come to the point where I do not want to care anymore because I feel stupid. Where I think I have no value anyhow. Where I am convinced I have less right to be here because of who I am. A woman who loves herself would: love herself. But I can’t currently.

In my head I hear Anne (Ainsobriety) (hi!) saying ‘compassion, show yourself some compassion’ and I realise I do not do that. Now I step outside me experiencing this attack on me and try to be the observer. The observer sees a very frightened girl who is afraid to fail bully another with shame, denial and all types of emotional abuse. The observer thinks I identify with the one being bullied. I wonder who the fuck the bullied person is. I do not recognise me from the outside. Strange this is. Don’t worry if you can’t follow, I don’t understand it either. I’m thinking I am dissociating in 2 steps here.

The frightened girl is very effing frightened. Need to go talk with her. She is very afraid to fail. Feels like she will die if she fails. Wonder where this comes from. I only remember my father once saying “If I would have built this faulty bridge I would have committed suicide.” He meant it. I was going to write I can not understand where the fear of failure would come from but my mother was a perfectionist. My whole photo album reads like a manual to the defected daughter. A lot of criticism hidden in wittyness. I can’t even read it anymore. My brother and SIL laughed at me when I mentioned that I found this painful. Adding insult to injury. And I do the same to me: not taking me seriously, not valuing myself, killing/selfdestructing when confronted with possible failure. Patterns are difficult.

Meditation helps. Plan to wake up half an hour early to meditate again during working days too. Meditation makes that everything I attach to; thoughts, opinions, fears, feelings of all kinds sort of seem unimportant, become unimportant and it helps me to energetically set to zero. I used to not know ‘how’ to meditate but the navel staring of the last years has helped me greatly to find what I was looking for; it helped me see how I attach to things, to feelings, where they, well ‘enter’ my ‘aura’ for lack of another word.

Hmm, don’t feel like writing anymore. Suddenly all of this seems superfluous. It is not. I know that. It is a log and it is a set time for me to force myself to check upon my sobriety. To see what drives me, what puts me in (e)motion. People say ’emotions are not facts’ – which is often true. But emotions will fuck up sobriety – which is why I think it is a good idea to keep a good watch on them. πŸ™‚

A woman who loves herself would now read the book which she has wanted to read for the whole week. Turn off the computer and wifi to ensure better quality of sleep later. And make the bed now, not at the moment she goes to bed so she then dislikes herself for putting it off. So, that is what I will do. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit. I find going through this time very informative. I need to take care that it does not take me over and I need to delegate and take care of the girl who is so afraid of failure. She is afraid she will lose me because I have left her. This is such strange territory. With these descriptions I am ‘just’ phrasing how it feels/what it looks like, in order to give voice to what is happening, putting words to what I feel, how I experience things helps me to see and experience things. Or maybe it helps me to take seriously what I experience. Not sure. Guessing this is a phase I need to go through. Because it is here. Let’s see what it brings. What is in the way, is The Way. I can only get out by going in. πŸ™‚

Sorry for an unfulfilling post with no ‘solutions’ to yet another drama. :-D. I’m off to read, make beds and meditate. Better than staring at a screen. Wishing you a good night/week.

xx, Feeling

 

 

 

 

 

and I can see now what difficulty got me into drinking more and more.

Does drinking alcohol desensitize me to love?

My stat-site of the this WP blog show that somebody found my blog by asking some search engine (notΒ  Google) ‘does drinking alcohol desensitize me to love?

In case you are still around: I think the answe is yes. Alcohol numbs all kinds of true observations and real feelings but it feeds sentiments and the untrue stuff. If you want to find out how it works: quit drinking. πŸ™‚

I need to be in bed in time so no further thoughts on the subject. I would however appreciate it if you would leave a message. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit. Life is starting to change. I still have difficulty relaxing after the stressfull time of the last months (boss, no job, tax audit) but I think I’ll get there. I did celebrate my 29 months sober with ordering 3 t-shirts and 4 books. Hey, I saved more than half a year salary the other day with the tax audit so it feels like I am entitled to. I only had 1 t-shirt left without holes anyhow. Now I will have 4! πŸ™‚ You can’t believe how rich I feel. Not having to wash every second day would be nice.

I am happy I quit. A woman who loves herself would eat less chocolate because I feel it disturbing my bloodpressure and heartbeat and it is not nice. Not sure why (tf?) I eat it. It is starting to irritate me even more but I am still walking this strange road. It will sort itself out someday. πŸ™‚ We have a saying; a pitcher goes so often to the well that it comes home broken at last and another one: the shore will change the ship’s direction / will stop the ship. I have currently no influence, need all my energy to perform in my job and stay healthy till halfway april at least because then I have a big work test. After that I can, I don’t know, start to live a little?Β 

Wishing you a nice sober evening / day and a good week! I am happy that I quit, my life is on the move again, slowly, but it is. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling