About feelingmywaybackintolife

Hi, I stopped drinking on the 25 of August 2014 and I hope to never drink again. Nobody in my private life knows that my drinking is was bad and nobody knows I quit. I tried a programme but finally quit by myself with help of the book of Jason Vale. Somehow I have not worked out if and how I want help but I found some sobriety blogs on wordpress and thought that would al least help me to move away from the secrecy that strangles me and give me a daily task and opportunity to work on getting clear drink wise, life wise, intention wise. I write down my process, what I experience, think, feel and do. Please note that I do not subscribe to everything that I put out there; sometimes I will show you the addict, or the addict will show without me knowing it. Sometimes, well I hope most of the time, the true self will be there. I guess there will are mixes as well, I am still trying to work it out. All in all it turned out to be a blog that I feel is rather dark and heavy handed in comparison to my fellow bloggers. That seems to be the flavour of the dish, so I guess that's what I'm having.

Free online summit on blogging

Guess what? There’s bloggers out there that make six figures every year–six figures! Could you imagine that? For those who want to blog for a living, they have to figure out how to do that themselves. It’s not easy to learn. Information is scattered everywhere, platforms are constantly changing, and the best tactics are constantly […]

via Do you want to Grow Your Blog? — dharmaholic

Thanks to Dharmaholic who made me aware of this free online summit. I thougth the summit might interestes some of you. But check out the rest of Dharmaholics blog too. Very nice.

Just to not confuse you: I personally have no specific interest in growing this blog because it is the only place I can ‘let go’ and anonymously write. Growing would mean editing I guess and that would make it more difficult to let go. Funny how addiction, an boundary-less intake problem, is being solved with a boundary-less outlet solution. Ideally I would assume it needs to become more balanced. Not there yet. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. The darkness of late has lifted a bit and I am in this ‘inbetween land’ where I feel it is time to do stuff. It is spring. Well, here, not in Australia and New Zeeland. (Hi!! Wishing you a beautiful autumn time, with lots of closures and letting go while we prepare for new beginnings.)

Wishing you a lovely sober day!

xx, Feeling




Musings on abuse, love and healing in relationships

The hugbuddy is back from being on a trip to another side of this globe. Having had a cool down time was good but hugs are better. 🙂

And now I wonder: what is a relation actually? Do I like him for who he is? (or) Do I like how he makes me feel? Do I like how we feel/are together?

It is strange. Due to his and mine circumstances I am not ready to go anywhere with this further than, well, some sexy hugging. But you and I know that if this continuous long enough at least one of the buddies (bodies?) will fall in love.

I like him. But he’s more than 15 years younger and I feel a fool over that. All is well when we are together but not when I add the ‘rest of the world’ to this, that is when I feel stupid for liking him. The rest of the world includes his estranged wife out of an arranged marriage. FYI: they have been living apart for years now, little to no contact. Does that make it ok? I do no not know.

All the howevers together: he makes me feel good. I feel at ease with him, he spots any kind of stress in me immediately. Reminds me in a not spiritual but spiritual way that I should not focus on the negative. He appreciates being with me deeply without funniness about how I should be different. And I am testing boundaries in that with not shaving. Yes, you heard me; not, not anywhere. Self-protection too; either body, leg, stomach, armpit, ass crack hair shames me into not going any further than some sexy hugs… Or… it will force him (and me!!) into accepting me AS I AM; ‘flawed’, hairy, not willing anymore to be somebody I am not, not the one who uses cultural shame to turn me into somebody who is ‘ever ready and available’. No, not the smelly hairy; the just came out of the shower hairy.

All of my relations have been oneS where I felt exactly NOT appreciated as I am. Every man struggled with this specific me-ness, the special Feeling flavour so to say. At first attracted by it and then repelled. But then again, I never appreciated me as I was and I am thinking that might reflect back into relations with the world. No, not blaming me for others being an asshole. Or yes, maybe I do. :-/ Have not worked that out, felt that through, thought about it.

All in all, this well, whatever it is with the hugbuddy: Do I like being with him because he makes me feel good? Or do I like him regardless of any benefits? Do I like him regardless of possible negatives?

Or is all this wondering about how things work of no use? And is the biology of being together a healing process in itself, which is why it is nice. Biology always makes good things feel nice. 🙂 ❤ The pure nice, not the addicted nice.

I can see things, physical things, emotional things, spiritual things in him heal when he is with me and being held. He lets go of  a lot of shame and pain when he is with me. Awful experiences get vented, get air, can transform, neutralise.  And the same with me. At first it irritated me a little, thinking ‘I am not your mother’. And then I realised that I could just let things be and help another person in distress. There is a lot of holding space going on. That what has been damaged in the symbiosis can be repaired in the symbioses.

He is very specific in asking physical things: ‘Can you please massage my shoulder there?” Or: “Can you please put your thumbs next to my spine.” I do not know how to do that. At first I was offended. Then I thought: I am only offended because I do not dare to ask that. 🙂 So I thought being with him will teach me how to. By now I am becoming more vocal about what I do not like. I never knew there are very many ways I do not like to be touched. I do not like to be grabbed. That is just a one way ticket into the physical and mental memory of abuse and I move out of my body! Never knew that so clearly as I do now.

It made me wonder what grabbing actually is. To me grabbing is taking hold of a body or part of a body for your own interest, with no consideration for or real interest in the other. Sex can easily turn into a grabbing match. The play with grabbing can even be kinky – but without intimacy and interest in the other it is destructive. Drunk sex can be specifically grabby. Not sure if I can recall well. Gosh, bad joke.

Now I am coming to the part in my life where I have to learn to stand up and be specific about my wishes in physical contact. Long time ago I realised that for me, there is rape and there is self-rape. 😦 If now, I can not stand grabbing while being in a situation that is potentially safe – I do not speak up for myself to stop the grabbing, I go into self-rape mode.

Self rape mode is such a fucking infuriating, frustrating phase of abuse!!! First one gets stripped of self, self-protection, self-care, worth. Not saying that abuse makes a person lose worth. Never! But the purpose of the abuser is to make that appear so and often the victim is not strong enough to fight that. The abuser knows this and that is why the victim gets picked and broken. The victim of child abuse is hardly ever 6 feet 7 muscly 120 kilo guy from fighting club or biker gang, it is the young child which is vulnerable and can not fight back. And that is why the predator picks them. They never take on people the can not ‘win’ from. A sick combination of fear and lust spurs them on and cunning thinking of a sex addict with a liking for perverted sex* within helps them to do what they do and often get away with it. In more judgmental wording: they are cowards. * Please note I write sex addict with a liking for perveted sex in order not to give the impression that I think all sex addicts are child abusers. The vibes I got from my abusers where strong vibes of addiction: knowing things are wrong but not being able to work against what they were doing.

Predators will threaten with more violence or more of the bad stuff if you do not go along. This is also a way to make the victim submit: “You did it yourself.” They strip a person of everything, they can not ‘be’ with a person when the other person has value, so the value must go. For me, to come out of the feeling of rape and out of self-rape I need to change things around. If I want to heal, it takes Self, self-protection, self-care and – worth to actually go against what is happening. That inversions is so difficult, so frustrating. And, in some childish terms maybe: so unfair. But still. It needs to be done.

They tell you: “Hold still or I’ll hurt you more.” The more I struggled and fought for my life, the more life they need to take away.  And now I need to reverse the shutting up, the moving out of my body to moving back in, experiencing it all and speaking out when things don’t go as I want to. :-/ It seems unfair for me to have to do this because of the other persons perverted, corrupted personality. When feeling into this I realise that the really sick ones were victims too. I know that, I feel that with every fiber. I realised it then. I can word and understand it now. But I do not have to carry their burden. Let go. “That is your sickness. I do not want it.” “Destroying me will not make you whole.”

So. Guess the this whole thing with the hugbuddy wakes up more than I realised. I think it is good. I found a hugbuddy who, without being irritated, without questioning kisses my tears away and asks “flashbacks?”

When we touch I do all these exercises of really being there in the moment and experiencing what is going on. He has had his share of abusive situations so he knows pretty well what flashbacks are. So I can explain that somebody pulling my hair gives me flashbacks. He understands. And!  He is not irritated over that. 🙂 I have been with a lot of guys who did not understand and felt accused. I guess I used to accuse guys for being guy. I hate man because they have been The Oppressor, always. Now I worked in two different companies where women where The Sexual Oppressor and haha, that has balanced my view. 😀 Gosh, laughing here. What a shit hole this world is. 😀

And then I come to my heart. What about my heart? My heart loves him as a person. Not specifically as ‘my’ person. I tend to focus on other things and more or less forget about him when he is not here.  Like with a good friend; enjoying time together and then it is ok when they leave too. But on the other hand, I am deliberately reigning in my heart because of marriage, age and culture differences. Again. Did so with the bookstore man, doing this now. Is it good? It is illogical biologically. So that must be a warning that it will lead to painful results. :-/ We shall see.

Why does culture through movies and advertise romantify the missing of the partner part? It seems to turn relation into addiction, as if the more we have of what the other brings us, the better. Like booze to the addict. Romantically cultivating ‘missing him’ feels like addiction. So. Not going there.

Going back to the questions at the beginning of this post:  I like the hugbuddy for who he is. I also appreciate how he makes me feel and find the time we spend interesting, fun and healing. But the making me feel good is not mandatory. It is added to me, to us, and appreciated. When asked I would say I am interested in seeing how continued contact would enfold but (self)care and openness need to be present in that.

Baby steps!

Ooh, Tarot gave “Love”as an answer to what it is between the hugbuddy and me. But then again: so it did with the bookstore man. So… well. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. My life is difficult right now. So far no work and no money because I go into freeze when dealing with the social security. I did…. however ask for help and kept on asking till I got it. Which is strange because again I have to be strong exactly when I am not.

I feel like I am in a transition time, everything shifts. On second I experience my inner world to be one of no outlook anywhere. My inside world shows nothing but flames all around me burning, burning, burning. The next I am understanding the energetic workings of abuse, really seeing what happened in situations and breaking free of bond that kept me there. By the way, this is also very much due to reading Bethanyk’s blog ‘Not my secret.’ She writes about horrific abuse and says: it is NOT MY SECRET. As I say:  “That is your sickness. I do not want it.” Taking off the shame, refusing to accept the shame that predators put on her helped me realise how this works in me. Again many thanks to a person who walks this path before me and reaches back with writing. <3.

A woman who loves herself would love herself….. Would edit this post so it can be understood better. I have done so as far as I can manage now. I guess when the dust settles, I will organise. Or not. I am not taking time to let the post rest. So I hope it reaches you well.

Wishing you a wonderful sober Friday and weekend.

xx, Feeling

Now I am allowed to exist, what is next?

A few weeks ago I wrote about having found a, well, basic believe that I have a right to exist. Feeling that. Not only knowing it but really feeling it. And that is GOOD.

The rest is a long post on how I get thrown about by ups and downs, what I am learning and what not. I am having the shittiest time of my life but still think 2018 is a fantastic year. :-D. On the verge of a breakthrough every day. If it weren’t for me I would be fantastic already. 😉

So what is next? Next is: overwhelming selfhate and overwhelming self-love and sometimes switching from the one to the other in seconds. Not sure how it works but I’m thinking my system does not want to let go of my old habit. Also, it looks like the selfhate has found an object (me) to focus on. Sometimes I get dragged into it, sometimes it is like a passing train: as long as I don’t stand on the tracks I’m ok. It is funny, not sure how to describe it but my daily me is angry at my daily me. And then there is the part which is watching this happening. And the difference between my daily me and my Self is getting clearer. That is good. Hopefully I will get to learn that all this emotional feeling stuff is information. And information only,  from where I stand there is no particular need to get lost in it unless…. the lessons are not learned. And that’s when the shit hits the fan.

Life has been difficult, I am really struggling to keep structure in my life. Ha, not even the struggle is working. 😦 My house is ok-ish and so are the contacts to the outside world but my eating habits are bad and I have let go of admin. Which means that I do not open e-mail or post from the organisation which will, or will not give me money for not begin employed / sick leave. Guessing they will not give it when I do not reply. The inability to live to somebodies rules still gives me extreme panick attacks followed by a strong urge to not live. And then comes this inner voice: “It is ok Feeling, you do not have to be able to do everything. You do no have to be perfect, you have been here before, it is obvious that you can not do this. Yes it is strange in other peoples eyes. Yes it is in no comparison to whatever you can do but could you possibly face the fact (ooooh, panick) that you are not able to do this on your own? You keep on saying that you will do it ‘tomorrow’. But have you not seen this behaviour before?”

“Nah! This is different! I will really open all the post tomorrow!”. Or so I said for 7 days. And it is still tomorrow. 🙂

I believe that until I deal with the what I call my destructive treats, it will shift from subject to subject to subject no matter what. Either it is alcohol (self destruction in a bottle), sugar (selfdestruction in a bar of chocolate), Netflix, internet, procrastinating, not living up to my full potential (assuming this sometimes worn out life has a potential – and also: I sometimes believe that I have, not sure what and how, but I have).

Strange things are happening. Not all of it is my own doing. The woman I met on FB and gave me an energetic healing a few weeks ago asked me this morning how I have been the last days. I told her I had been really bad and then ‘poof’ it was very good. We spoke about that.

I know this is going to sound crazy and I am not sure how and where I stand in this but… the FB group sort of fell apart and the woman whom I befriended online has left the old group she had started due to unrest between the 5 moderators. And she started a new group. Obviously that causes mayhem in the beginning. I kept out of it because, well, I’ve got nothing to add but I followed the woman to her new, more exclusive group. Since then all hell broke loose in my life: darkness like clouds rolling over me, through me, as being in a maelstrom of darkness. I really had the idea that even I could not be THAT black. Hell like never before, worse than rock-bottom earlier. And I had little energy left to do anything but watch and be amazed where the F! all of this was taking me. Or, well, as it felt; where I was swept away to.

And then ‘poof’ it was all gone from one second to the other. No darkness, no dark feelings, no wish to jump of the building just, peace. And internal voices telling me I was ok.

So this morning the woman came onto the chat asking me how I had been the past days and if I knew voodoo. I said: ‘Very bad, had no clue what came over me. And then it was gone, as sudden as it came.’ Well, she said: I am checking with all the members because one of the former group ladies practises voodoo and it seems like she is attacking the new group members.

Now, I am sceptic. But I really think this might have been exactly what was happening. Or not. I don’t know. Anyway, very educative it is because the darkness within, mine or not, does bring me to my knees where I have to accept that I can not do stuff on my own. How non addict that acceptance would be :-D. And also, by learning the opposite of the bad energies; the love, the peace, the acceptance teaches me that there is a choice. That I have a choice. And so I continue on the path I have been walking, and fall off on a daily, hourly, minutely (is that a word?) base; of practicing not being unhappy. Practising not being sad. And with writing that I see that I must make a change there because I should be practising to be happy possibly, and not the ‘not being sad’. It is the same with drinking: practising ‘not drinking’ leads to tension, resistance, misery and finally drinking. Practising ‘being happy that I quit’ leads to not drinking. 🙂

In short, ok, not so short: now I am allowed to exist next thing that pops up is selfhate. Obviously because not it can not float freely anymore because there is an internal boundary that says: “Hey, what are you hating at. I AM here.” Because there is a right to live now, the selfhate becomes very obvious. And on the other hand self-love and compassion are introduced by ‘just’ somebody I met on the web. I have reservations there, I am normally not so keen on associating with people who have friends that bring trouble. But I can not let go (yet) and also: could it be that perceived hate by others is just myself masking my own self hatred? Not sure, but I will proceed with caution.  Possibly making sure I love myself would be a good place to start recognising hatred from others. 🙂

Time to read the book Lucy recommended about self-hatred. And time to do my admin. Tomorrow I will call them. 😉

More and more I notice that if I do not do what is good for me I end up feeling bad. From putting on socks when having cold feet (which I often forget when I dislike myself) to eating the wrong things. Self destruction knows so many ways. Self love too. I feel I have almost 50 years of (self)conditioning to work ‘against’ in a society where hatred against people and specifically against women is big business.

But I exist. So I seem to have a purpose.

Funny, how the feeling of ‘being able to exist’ and possibly having a purpose (existing + future + embedded in this world) takes a few seconds to turns into feeling unworthy again and from there to the other side of feeling that I must have a greater purpose than others if it feels this good. How addicty to go from high to low or from low to high while staying in the middle with acceptance that all people have the right to exist is difficult. 🙂 How the conditioning of judging immediately brings me away from the beautiful, peaceful experience I was having.

Why do I write this down? I have read other people’s blogs, very few as direct, dark and, if I may say ‘strange’ as mine. I don’t bake cakes. I write this down because THIS IS HOW MY LIFE IS – how I experience it. I have an addictive personality, that means that I prefer not to like to experience and live life as it is. That I want to a spiritual bypass of life by redesigning my experiences with substances and addictive behaviour.  And it is not working.

]I did not have the spiritual strength to set that right so alcohol happened. And then life happens and rock-bottom comes along to break down all that was wrongly put together in order to rebuild again from there. Hitting rock-bottom is a very natural process and a solid foundation. And as long as I do not listen to hints of life, I’ll keep on hitting it. 🙂

Spring is coming 🙂 I’m gonna check it out. 🙂

I am happy that I do not drink alcohol anymore. I find my travels interesting but very tiresome. I wish I had more stamina to actually stick to things. But I also see how letting go of judgments on how I should be (sereen, peaceful) and what I should do (yoga, cake baking, running) helps me to let go of the layers which for me are associated with that: judgement and the need for perfection. I am experiencing improvements.

But it could also be like ending up in the gutter and then trying to prove to the world I can still love me. 😀 Dunno :-). As of yet I am financially still 6-10 months away from the gutter so this leaves me some time to float.

I’m off, I hope you get something from this post. If nothing else than the comfortable feeling that you are way more structured 😉 and how not doing the right thing like structuring ones life leads to unstructure.

xx, Feeling

Free online summit: World Tapping event

Ooh, a bit late but you could get a view of all the vids in the last days of the 10th Annual World Tapping Summit. Register here.


I am happy that I quit. Going through a difficult spot in time. Had some medical exams today. Pretty painful and in places where you would rather not find anybody poking, brought back nasty memories. So I should be taking my own advice and doing some tapping 😉 on nasty memories e.g.

A woman who loves herself would just go to bed. Again and again and again that seems to be a good thing to do. Wishing you a good, bright, sober day.

xx, Feeling

Higher Power

NEW! I think I understand the concept of the Higher Power. What?! Yay! Just read the post of Mike and it came to me; to me addiction is not living along the healthy bio-logically along which the Universe operates. To me this world is one of opposing energies, yin and yang if you will, which balance each other out. There is chaos and creation and then there is law and restriction; both are required to build this world and everything in it.

Now when I got addicted I was in a state of unbalance where the chaos and creation (well, more like ‘expansion’) was so big that law and restriction did not get a grip on it in the normal way. They send signs: hangovers, bad work results, financial problems, stupid arguments with family, lousy days after…. They send weight gain, the shame, the depression and bad skin, red hands, blood-shot eyes but I did not listen. That’s when the restriction needs to get bigger and bigger and bigger and rock-bottom enters. Well, I fell, actually literally. Ha! The ground was hard. But it was just and it was solid. And it finally got to me that I was being self destructive and I did not want that anymore.

A lot of things have happened in 2018 already. I spoke with my demon, do not agree with him totally but it gave me an opening: less shame. And I found that I could belong and that I do not HAVE to focus on the negative. Also I found that I can look for help. NEW! Today I realised that if I live along the rules of the Higher Power all will be ok.

And again that means that I should be in bed. Not behind a screen.

Wishing you a beautiful (sober), connected weekend.

I am happy that I quit and grateful, be it in a tiny bit of a sad way, for the things I learn these days.

xx, Feeling


Only as sick as your secrets

I have found peace in informing some friends and family that things are not going well and that I can not do things on my own. “Only as sick as your secrets” does not only apply to drinking – I feel freed now of a burden I did not really know I carried. Trying to ‘keep up appearances’ – I have been doing that so long that I do not even recall not feeling like I had to lie about what was going on.

There are a few thoughts / habits of thinking stuck in my head and the idea that asking for help means that I am helpless, have no control, am handed over to the mercy of whomever is one of them. This has been so in my youth and has stuck with me. Nah, don’t want to go there.

Today a friend came over and we did this exercise of ‘hey, I can make a modern art painting’ (NOT! ;-)). It was real good fun, trying to empty our heads, trying to detach from the outcome. Noticing that this was not possible and noticing all the stupid thoughts and feelings we have over putting paint on a piece of paper. 🙂 Good fun. Lousy results. 🙂 Loving it.

Well, the friend who visited is one of the women who helped my through my darkest period before I quit drinking. Just by being there with other friends on a weekly base and going out for diner. We would have so much joy to be together that it carried me through the week. Over the years we have become closer and today I opened up about ‘not being able to do this on my own anymore’. And as the others had said before her: “Thank god that you are finally giving in.”

We spoke about how I feel SO MUCH better now I spoke out. And how the force of denial kept me away from my core / my truth. And the energy that this denial costs. Not living in my core, not finding my feeting because of that. It is amazing. And I am grateful (well, in a bit of a sour way, true ;-)) that I can now, consciously and sober realise how this works. How much pressure denial puts on a person, how much energy it takes. It is amazing. I feel like I am rediscovering living.

Not sure how the practical side is going to work out. Need to speak with some people I guess and from there a plan will be drawn but actually – and I see some patterns here…. – I think I can do it from here myself. Bwaaahahahaa….. eh… yeah. Pattern? Like signing up for detox and counselling and then doing it by myself.  😀

So…. the challenge now is to not go into the idea that I am handed over like a lamb to the slaughter so that I do not have to run for my life in order to get out. And also, not to go into the help that ends up getting me hooked up to pills. Funny how fear for things is building up inside at the same time relaxation comes in from the other side.

There is something funny going on: yesterday and today I have not felt so at ease with myself since, say I was 14 years old (pre drinking) and on the other hand there is this fear of getting stuck in a system building. Like I am maintaining the balance of misery. That would be food for thought. I feel it is a tendency. An unlucky one. Because it will never get me to relax.

Aaah, hanging on to misery is familiar. It gives me structure. Humpf. 😦 Maybe I should have more faith.


Maybe, one of these days I could read through my blogs and note down all the things I have noticed in these lasts years. These energetic tendencies. Would be a great plan. Hahaha, would I dare to? 🙂 Would you dare to do that with your own blog / diary?

I am HAPPY THAT I QUIT!!!! 🙂 And a woman who loves herself would be in bed by now.


Wishing you a good sober day/night.

xx, Feeling

Rock the boat

boatoncalmsea2 Posts ago I wrote about me feeling like I am on a boat in a sea of nothingness when it comes to thinking about new work.Thing is, the whole picture is not about the boat, it is about not being in touch, in contact with what is going on in the water.

Today somebody rocked the boat. I had to present myself at the social security office. By phone I had replied that I want to waive the right to unemployment benefits because I feel in no shape to apply for a job  or work yet. And with the right to unemployment benefit comes the duty to apply for jobs. Which I totally agree with. The guy said “Well, why don’t you come by anyhow and we can work out together how we can get you to the point where you can apply for jobs again.” Which I thought sounded reasonable, so I went. Also because this strange nothingness might feel ok, I do know it IS a strange place to be.

Guy asks one question and I start crying. Ok….. eh….. maybe I am in a deeper shit than I thought. We spoke for an hour. He strongly urged me to call in sick and get myself sorted out from there. Rocking my boat.

I realised: the water seems calm, that is how I would like to perceive it, how I trained myself to ignore stuff. The monsters are below the water and I do no want to go under.

“Obviously I am no doctor but seeing and hearing what you are dealing with I would strongly advise you to take sick leave and let us help you. If work situations like these repeat themselves they have a tendency to eat in on people and what I hear from you that has already happened. It is my experience that if you do not sort this out now, you might get another job now but I have been in this position for 15 years now and you have some stuff to sort out. You can delay that but in that case it is very likely that we will see each other back within 2 years and then you will be worst off. ”

“I don’t know. I just think if I get a job now it will disappear into the background and all will be ok.”

“What would be your reason not to accept our help, there are literally millions of euro’s in the budget to help people and you certainly do not look like you doing ok.”

“I would drown. If I were to do that I would have the idea I am not in control of my life anymore.”

“Aah, would you happen to be an idealist and a perfectionist too? These traits go together. First people to burn up in this society.”

“Eh, ghegheghe…. is it that obvious? And yes, I know about the connection.”

So there we have it. The boat. The calm see.  The monsters are under the water and I have kept them there because that is what I do.  Will I let somebody tip the boat or will I continue to ‘be in control’. I am afraid I will drown. But I am very much longing to let go. Not sure what I would be letting go of exactly though. :-/

I am at a crossroad.

I am happy that I quit. A woman who loves herself would hmm, jump of the building. That can not be the correct answer. Ha, time to take some serious self-care. I keep on thinking “Just get to work and all will be ok.” but that very much sounds like “Just drink and all will be ok.” At least, this is how I use it. And MAYBE that is true. I do not know. I have to choose now. Or maybe not. Pffff….. sigh.

Wishing you a nice sober day. And yes, know that I am in an absolute luxurious position to live in a country where they actually can and possibly will solve personal issues with the help of government money.

I am happy that I quit but fearing the worst is yet to come.

xx, Feeling