Less perfectionism and life

Ghegheghe, just realised that I did something totally NEW!!! I send out a date invitation for my new course for the end of this week or the beginning of next week ….. while I have not even finished the content. πŸ˜€ Ghegheghe. I have NEVER in my whole life done that. Is it smart? Don’t know. I have never done that. I guess I am less anxious about failing, more sure of my ability to draw something up. Well, it is a basic course. I should be able to draw it up in 2 days. πŸ™‚Β  And I don’t have time to stall. We shall see.

I am on day 10 without sugar, I lost 2 kilo’s in total. The cravings/urges get less but I also do not notice when I am hungry anymore and then it hits me when I almost I fall over. That is strange, today I went 6 hours without food, strange. Not sure if it is a no sugar effect or if it was already there and a side effect of one of the Schuessler salts I used to take. So I really need to get back to setting the clock to see if I should eat, otherwise I work, work, work, work, work and …. work. And it is really good that I have this blog because up to now I had not noticed that I do that. Isn’t it intriguing how addiction works? Drop alcohol and watching films, move into sugar and blogging, drop sugar, move into working. Hmmm… working is good, but I moderation is still a thing. Working on it, sort of ish, it’s more that right now I get dizzy and my head is spinning with too much focussed screen time since 9:00 this morning. And the learning I do is: ‘Aaah, I did it again! I know I should not do this.’ So I need to take the other step tomorrow and plan what I will be doing when tomorrow and plan free time and outside exercise time too. I’ll get there.

I fear: that I might not get there before the money runs out. If I were to pay all outstanding tax and rent I would not be eating now. So that’s a bit of a…. bummer? :-/

I want: things to be easy, somebody coming up to me and offering me a book deal for my technical work and at least 10.000 in advance.

I need: to get my head out of the sand? Don’t know. Really don’t know. This weekend I went garden shopping with the husband of a friend. My friend hates it but I loved it and it was to this very special ecological place. It was beautiful, I had a really good time. He too, but he was seriously shopping with lists and Latin names of plants, I just assisted with the carrying and the sorting the strongest plants – for 3 hours…. :-D. As a gift he bought me 2 bags of eco sand for my pots. πŸ™‚ Yeah! And… he carried it up the stairs, they were about 25 kg, each so I was VERY HAPPY with that. When he was gone I cried because I was so happy with this large tiny gift that it hurt. It has been a long time that I have just been given something material, been taken care of without having to ask. I need to be able to unburden. I can’t. No parents, little family and not the sort of chique problems I can unload at the doorstep of a friend. ‘Hey, I lied to you about being depressed, well I was but actually I was addicted to alcohol, I blew my own projects and am without money now.’ Hmmm. Not exactly without. So there is still hope but yeah.

I am proud: I will change this category into, What went good today. What went good today: I slept so deep that I slept through a sms. That is NEW! I started the day with reading in a good book instead of Facebook (which has now become work :-/) and that is good because I need to get away from this screen. And I just saw my neighbours getting home,Β  carrying a big bag of all kinds of fried food and so drunk they needed to support each other. When I said ‘Enjoy your dinner.’ She answered; ‘It’s my third day on a diet, so that’s going well….’Β  I thought I was slow on the progress, but I am making progress. I am there were I have chosen not to drink and actually have got a little grip on my funny eating habits and can change them because I would love to be healthy, not because I hate my excess femininity. That is good, that is progress all over.

I spoke a junior friend of mine, a friend of hers is in serious trouble with abusive caretakers. The girls don’t speak about it. The mother of the abused girl knows but she says her daughter is making it up to get attention. From what I hear I think the abuse is true, it is all wrapped up in this child-logic ‘If she tells, they will say she is making a fuss and then they’ll say that she is too unruly to go home.’ And ‘She is very sad, she does not want to live anymore.’ They make photos now of the bruises. The abuse includes a dislocated jaw. :-/ I had a rough time with taking this in today. Then I decided. I will just do what needs to be done: get advice from people who know how to handle this and leave it with those where it belongs as soon as possible. And NOT let it throw me of balance. The thought in itself is new and good. And yes, this situation is exactly what I do not need now, but that is not how it works is it. :-/ My physiotherapist said: sometimes situations return to your life because you yourself have unfinished business. I guess she’s right. Another thing: take care not to project my teenage issues on the girls. :-/ I have difficulty with this world.

I am happy that I quit drinking. Not as happy as I was in the beginning. I am at the second wave of ‘if it is this easy, I’m not really addicted.’ It is a TRAP! I know! And no, I don’t want to drink, but there is something eating away my resolve. I don’t like it but I can’t find where it is coming from, just that I am too tired to keep this resolve up all the time. I guess I need to learn to relax there where I can. I have not done that yet. Hmmm, I am still trying to live at maximum resolve but I think don’t need that when I’m at home, or sleeping? Do you have something like that?

I take: nothing, yes, eco dandelion salad to up my bile production. It is lovely.

Hope you have a nice sober / clean night and day.

xx, Feeling

YouTube rules

Hi, just another pearl from the YouTube world. Not sure if I like the speed at which he speaks but I appreciate what he says about addiction.

And I found the answer to the difference between body, soul and spirit that I have been looking for. Well, the one that says the same thing that I thought so now I know this one is true ;-). And following that, the other ones are not of course…. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit because it helps me find stuff easier because I just follow my hunches and bam! There it is. The fog in my mind is back (back on sugar) but the fog in my ‘aura’ for lack of a better word, is clearing up slowly and steadily.

I want: to go to bed and so does the cat. She keeps on calling me and walking me to the bedroom :-). It was 5:30 this morning so it is about time.

I need: to go to bed. And go easier on the sugar. Not sure how to do that without forcing myself. Don’t want to have to do more things. So I guess I’ld better go get some insights that help me stop.

Have a nice evening/day! I am happy that you quit because that makes the world a better place. And if you haven’t yet: I can tell you it is real cool, inner growth is I don’t know, just pops up naturally now. I wasted a shitload of money on therapy (hi and sorry, not that I found it a waste but if I had been sober… well, you know.. πŸ™‚ ) that I could have used 10 times better if I had been free already. But I was not. And now I am. Which is GOOD.Β  πŸ™‚

 

Insights brought on by ‘eating clean’.

Since last Friday I changed my food intake to no wheat, no dairy, no meat, no sugar, no additives. Vegetables, brown rice, little fruits, nuts, few eggs, some white fish only. The first three days I was ecstatic. But by now I guess my feelings are limited to ecstatic and depression – very addicty. Up to yesterday I was very pleased with the way it worked out. Less impulses from exciting flavours really brought my spirits down to earth and made me able to focus on a task longer than 2 minutes. I actually shutdown Facebook and mail when blogging and well, all those consequently. It was a big relieve. Also the fog out of my head cleared up. The Fog is still bothering me even though I am 5,5 months out of that prison called drinking.

The clean eating experience has the same tremendous effect on my body as quitting drinking did. I am glad I did not do them together, I would have been wiped off the planet with all the emotions and feelings and experiences coming through while the Fog lifts.

Yes I know I have been a [INSERT WORD] about sugar because I know it is bad, and for me more so than for most (non addicted) people because I have this physical condition that makes my body react to sugar like crazy. So taking care what I take in is important. And yet I did not anymore. A week ago I was up to half a bar of chocolate again (that is 50 grams of 85% chocolate now) a day. Even reading back in this blog gives me chocolate and sugar urges. I have that less with alcohol. Then again, I call it alcohol because if I would call it beer it would set off more triggers.

Yesterday, that would be day 6 of clean eating I guess, I suddenly had a sugar craving that was immense. Bigger than any alcohol craving I have experienced in my life – which might not be saying anything because I always gave into them until I decided to stop and then I killed the cravings when they even thought of popping up. So, well, not withstanding the comparison that is biased, I did have sugar cravings and the result was: GUILT! BLAME! SHAME! Wow….. overwhelming. Very informative, even though I had not worked out where it came from suddenly because I had not changed my food.

And it made me realise that I have been a pompous ass with people having difficulty with quitting alcohol – because for me, even though I was deep in, I think I had an easy time coming out. If it is even half as bad as what I had yesterday than… ok…. hmmm…. I think I start to understand why it is difficult. And I think I understand why Jason Vale has had such a success with his ‘don’t drink but juice’ approach because these juices contain all the minerals, vitamins and sugar to feed any cravings.

What did I do with my cravings? I ate a teaspoon of mulberries, and then another and then another and then I quit counting (sounds familiar?) Mulberries are very nice and ecological and whatever superfood they are but also at least 50% (natural, but still) sugar or so. I just wanted it to go away. I could not focus, did 10 things at the time again. Amazing. And no, I have not worked it out yet. Don’t know where it came from.

Another thing on food. I have a cold belly since yesterday when I ate rice with vegetables and fish in coconut broth. And the wise women said; don’t eat coconut products because they cool down your intestines. Coconut oil and products are meant for the tropics. I figured out that this is exactly why they grow in the tropics and not in Western Europe: we don’t need them. πŸ™‚ I believe very much that the natural order is the natural order because a higher power I will call God here, saw that it was GOOD. If God had thought that eating coconuts in The Netherlands was a good idea, he would have planted them there. So…. pffff, another restriction to get me back onto the good path.

Guess I have to dive into the Ayurvedic teachings. For those who don’t know: Ayurveda is / are (?) ancient concept / teachings from India about healthy living. Amongst others it includes eating to the physical type that you are and where you live. To put it simple you can say that the fat lazy people who are sick need food to excite them and put some fire in them. And excited people who are so spirited that their candle burns out even before they are half-finished need foods to slow them down. (Don’t tell them that I simplified it like this… πŸ˜€ ) But ayurveda is very complicated to learn. Pfffff….. Maybe I should just visit an Ayurvedic doctor, make it easy on me instead of wanting to do everything myself.

So now again I have 10 things on my plate that I think I need to learn and somehow I think I need to do that BEFORE I get myself a job – which is ridiculous because by now I sleep bad at night over how to make ends meet in 3 months to come. My procrastinating has lessened, I can think of things and do them now, when they are small. My spark plug is restoring but the next thing to deal with is shame, fear and guilt. And the realisation that my internal guide might say: it is not time yet (even though the Time will be there within a few days), but an internal guide might not know about finances – or?

Also I am taking the time, when I can handle it, to look into feelings of discomfort. Because they are a guide too. The things I SHOULD be doing. :-D. It works, doing those things relaxes me. There is nothing wrong with 80% of the should’s I experience. I was looking for the pressure of the shoulds to go away but they are actually very good indications of things that need to be done. It is my idea that after I actually do those 80% I might want to look at the 20% of unreal expectations. Which is probably impossible because most likely I will not be able to differentiate between the 80 and the 20 otherwise they would not be in the same basket anyhow. As long as the 80% has a function to fire me on, which I realise by now that they don’t because the BLAME me and make me feel inadequate continuously.

Pffff, running in circles. I am loosing faith in my approach of feeling my way back into life. Maybe running in circles is nothing else but energy having build up because it can not go out another way. Maybe I should do some cleaning. πŸ™‚

Running in circles because I don’t want to make a choice. As long as I don’t choose I am free. I spoke with a friend of mine yesterday, on romance. She said: I would love to be asked to marry by [insert description of prince]. But it never happened. I said: I have been asked 5 times (well, ringlessly probed) but I never said yes. The conclusion was: no matter with what idea you approach something, the results seem to be the same.

And I don’t want to say it because I get the feeling that I go off the planet here but: in the end it is all the same. Take away judgement, opinions, shame, guilt and then somebodies road is somebodies road. There are quicker roads, guided by that which is inherently good but even then, we will meet obstacles because nobody knows all about what is inherently good. What is bad has a function too. The circle of life does not stop after birth.

And just in case this vague insights are not true I think I might as well do my stuff on the earthly plane too :-D. I mean, I wasn’t put on this earth for nothing, I guess it should be an earthly experience. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit and that I got out of that dark prison.

I want: things to be simple

I need: to organise and make choices.

I take: nothing, don’t know what, see I need. πŸ™‚ I have started the alcohol desensitization again though. That is part of the deal: first you do 3 months of the test phase and answer questions and then you get access to the actual training that they think has most effect. It worked out I had been in the group of people doing the training that had most effect in the first place already. I like it. It gives me peace. And also, works as an indulgence in the religious version of that word: if I have not been thinking about being sober or filling in my life, I do a training session and I feel that I actually did do something. πŸ™‚ Good for the low days.

I hope I have not bored you out of your chair by now. It may sound silly but I feel there is a still hidden purpose behind this blog that I am not aware off yet and that at some moment looking back to a complete development of me is going to be important and that it is part of my path. I don’t know. I’m going to put it down now, but I feel I am an object of study for someone, maybe a student. Paranoia mixed with megalomania is my favorite state of being. πŸ˜€ Have I left the planet? Pffff, not sure. If I have it is important to note this down because there comes a time when looking back is going to be important. If it were a friend of mine saying this I would think she had lost contact with earth by now. Psychosis, that is what I would think and my state of being sort of feels like that. So if you are a student and following my blog as a study project, please leave a note :-). And then again…. it doesn’t matter what superstition things I have because it is not going to feed me when the money runs out so I might as well get my ass moving!

Does any of you have that feeling, maybe it is vanity even, to think that your blog, apart from it being important to me, and possibly, hopefully here and there to other sober or addicted people, that there is something else, another purpose? Or maybe it is easier to get an answer to that without first telling that I think that is paranoia, megalomanic or psychotic :-D.Β  We shall see. πŸ™‚

Have a nice day!

xx, Feeling

On hippo’s

IMG_5061

A few days ago I got this 1 inch, 0,80 Euro hippo because I just could not let it go. I felt related. Loads of things happened from there.Β  But first: what is this hippo telling you? Is it laughing? Is it belching? Crying? Is it making noise to scare something or somebody away? Is it calling someone? Her kid maybe? Is it ridiculing someone? Do you see joy? Fear? Love? Anger? Aggression? Is it just opening its mouth to catch a bunch of lettuce?

Yeah, well, the funny things of this tiny animal that it has been doing all these things in a few hours while standing on the foot of my screen. I guess, by now, I know how far and wide projecting goes. Falling in love = casting a cloud of hope, dreams and projections over a person. Falling out of love is seeing the hippo.

There was evenΒ  more to learn from it. What about this stream of internal thoughts:

‘Yeah, no wonder you feel related; it’s fat.’

‘No wonder you feel related: it’s aggressive.’

‘No wonder you feel related: it’s got sensitive skin. Ooooooooh, sensitive skin…..’

‘Look it’s laughing at you, making fun of you.’

‘Yes, why wouldn’t you choose a totem animal that kills most humans world wide?’

I did read up on the totem stuff for the hippo. A few things there. But I’m guessing that is not the learning I am doing here. :-/ I feel very much not ready for the world outside but maybe, maybe, maybe it would be very good to have a bigger world outside to take my mind of things. Just a suggestion.

I am happy that I quit, it has been a bit of a difficult day for me because I notice that any tiny bit of trouble makes me doubt my sobriety and immediately fall back into serious addictive thinking of which the ‘I want this to go away now’ is pretty destructive. But I guess I learned by now that I can write a blog post, think things true during writing, come up with something that makes life doable at the end. And if not, it’s not the end. Whatever it takes is what it takes. Maybe I’ll get the egg-timer to do it’s work tomorrow, just to check on me. Aah, fuck the happy. I’m tired. And it scares me that I can say fuck the happy but maybe, I should just go to bed. Last night I slept all night. That would be the 3rd or 4th time in 5 months sober.

I want: pffff, I want it all. Ofcourse I want it all and I want it now. Addictive thinking. 😦

I need: to go to bed. The day has been worrysome enough. It’s about 23:30 here. And I need to improve my sleeping because noting this down that it is the 3rd or 4th time that I slept all night is amazing. I knew but it was never in the front of my mind. I guess these things pop up like what is the most urgent.

I take: hmmm, nothing today. Funny. So I am unhappy and immediately the care level drops. Interesting. Tsssss. Huh… Informative. And scary. And happy that I have this list with the happy, want, need check points. It is informative. Pfff, bedtime. Walked 8km today and stood talking for 2 hours with another store man (don’t worry, he’s 73 πŸ˜‰ )

Why run a bath…

It struck me today when I sat down in the bath: Why run a bath when I dislike the person in it?

It got me to thinking about being negative about myself and trying to let go of the negative self talk and self-hatred. Feels strange, unusual. But then: I’ve been in the strange country before, I’ve quit drinking. How can this be worse?

It is scary. If I become valuable people will be hurting me again. If I have no value I can not be hurt. That is the script that keeps me walking the negative path. I don’t want to go there anymore. It is not helping and it is killing my energy and cutting of my internal voice. I don’t want to be that brat from the former post. Life is short. I should use the time I have and not waste it with fighting with my spirit.

So I picket up Louise Hay’s book that I found in a wonderful 2nd hand store yesterday. It’s on listening to my inner voice. One of you informed me of it. Not sure if I did get exactly the book you advised, or actually if I did get the writer you advised but it is on listening to your inner voice to heal yourself. I am very curious. It is finally time to read something like this. πŸ™‚ And I think I know no other people who do the talking with the inner voice like I do. That might not be true but it is just something well, people donΒ΄t speak of it. And when I do people seem to think I am weird. So it would be cool to read from somebody that does the listing and possibly the talking.

IΒ΄m going out for a walk. My inner voice is nagging. ThatΒ΄s because she is right and I stalling. Hmmm. I like this. Just listening. Gives peace.

Happy that I quit. Very happy. πŸ™‚

What I want: don’t know. I am content I guess. πŸ™‚

What I need: to get some fresh air.

I looked everywhere

A few years ago I attended 2 ayahuasca ceremonies led by an ayahuasquero. Ayahuasca is a natural drug that has been used by the indigenous people of Latin America for centuries. The ayahuasquero is the person running the ceremony. If used with the right set in the right setting ayahuasca brings insight in life and one of the special qualities of ayahuasca is the ability to restore the connection to nature and life.

I went for several reasons, one being that, after my mother died, I had lost my connection to life itself. It was as if half of my cells died with her and I could not find my way back. Undoubtedly my increased use of alcohol had a lot to do with that to. In preparation to the ayahuasca ceremony it is advised to follow a diet. The diet sort of excluded everything apart from fresh vegetables, fruits, water and herb tea. I lived on that for about 2 weeks only adding a little piece of fish here and there and a few glasses of cola.

I am trying to make this a coherent story but I am so sad, so sad.Β  Yesterday was a very heavy session at my therapist, living through pain that feels eons old, crashing onto me. That’s why I need to write, feel like drowning all of this in a six-pack, 2 six-packs and a bottle of wine. The reasons not to drink have disappeared and the only thing that is keeping me is the knowledge that it is not a good idea. The desire to be clear has left me.

The ceremony was in a farm in the country side. We were advised to bring a sleeping bag. You might be surprised to hear that I, apart from blogging about changes in toilet habits from the bottom of my heart, I am a rather private person when it comes to beds, bed covers and sleeping bags and even more peculiar when it comes to food. So, even though there was little place in the car I also took my pillow and another blanket. And some food to my liking of course, a big bag for 3 days. Can’t trust others to buy exactly what I might need now can I?

The ceremony started and I took care to arrange a bed in a dark corner, as far away from the crowd as possible. I was scared shitless, well not shitless, that I unfortunately noticed later. So I was scared. Scared I was going to die, scared I would be very sick, scared I had this funny heart or brain disease that would make me be the only person ever to die of ayahuasca and die in horrible pain but so quickly that nobody could actually do something about it, while shitting my pants and with puke in my hair. Or so quietly that nobody would notice, or, maybe they would not think it was serious and I would still die and, and, and, and…. pffff. Things to fear. Things to make up to fear.

The first ayahuasca wave hit me, I started seeing tiny purple speckles on my bedcover. PANIC!!!!! I don’t want to see purple speckles that are not there?!!!! So there came the orange dots, and the vibrant green, and they became a nauseating vortex of colours. I puked and everybody puked because puking is one of the things that happens. I think it cleans out the mental and spiritual shit. Loads of puking in special tiny puke buckets. I was scared and not yet shitless as I noticed when I crawled to the toilet 20 meters further. Crawled? Yes. Crawled. Glad I made it in time.

Then came the images of animals, lions with heads of an eagle, men with wings and heads of dogs, snakes. Gazillions of mythical animals rising up from the subconscious, invading my consciousness, doing macabre dances and loads of threatening and ritual killing of other mythical animals. My thoughts were caught up in fear of dying and having that horrible disease that would send me to hospital. And then I realised: it is not about the animals. It is about realising how scared I am, realising that I always think that I am threatened, always think that I have a disease that is unknown, always think I will either die or become insane in the next instance. Having worked that out the images changed to men raping and killing babies and laughing about it. I cried and cried and cried and cried because of being so, so scared and so, so tired of living and being scared. My worst nightmares had come true and I finally decided at that moment NOT to ‘go there’. I would not pay attention and even though I felt overwhelmed by all this (non)info coming from my brains I was going to choose another scenery. This is one of the first lessons of ayahuasca: There is a choice in how to deal with stuff, now choose.

That was when my ayahuasca spirit arrived and started speaking with me – well, in my head. Actually it felt she was outside my head, at arms length away, a little above my head. Something to do with a true sovereign. Not sure how it works. She was this tough uberbitch, not kind, not unkind, just present and CLEAR. Which was a good comparison because I had already walked on the path of alcohol for a long time.

‘You are sad? It seems to be your most used emotion.’ And believe me there was no judgement, only a pointing out of the obvious that I in my whole life had NEVER seen, noted or heard from anybody else.

‘How can you say that?! It is not like I choose to be sad?!!’

‘No, you don’t think you do, but you don’t put as much energy in being happy either….’

‘I just feel so alone! I have lost my connection. Since my mother died I feel like I am dying too. I am so sad!’

‘You have lost connection. Now look at what you do; you go to an ayahuasca ceremony to feel connected and you take your own blanket, even an extra one, your own pillow, your own food and you make sure to take place in the utmost corner far away from the group. You do not connect because you are scared people will upset you.’

And I cried, and cried and cried till I felt there was no tears left anymore. That ceremony I learned a lot of stuff, loads and loads of insights, big, small, beautiful, painful. But I was sad because I felt I was not connected. But the next morning I walked out of the farmhouse and the whole world and all of nature were alive to me. Finally I had found my connection back. Trees, flowers, grass, insects, the wind, people; they were speaking to me again and I was alive.

The next day there was the second ayahuasca ceremony and I started of with fear, sadness and disconnectedness only to go through the same conversations as the day before – but shorter. And finally I pleaded: ‘But I have looked everywhere for love and I have not found it.’

‘Where have you looked?’

‘Everywhere, really, everywhere out there!’ (That was in the landscape I experienced within the ayahuasca experience)

‘So……?’

‘I can’t go anywhere, it is NOT out there. I am sure! I have travelled all over the place and not found anything. In real life I have been in intimate relations but I have found nothing. I am so sad….”

‘And….?’

‘What? And?’

‘If it is not out there, where is it?’

‘Inside?! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO. Can’t be?!!! Can it?’

‘You could have a look.’

And I had a look and what I saw had such beauty that I feel, even in my mother tongue I could not describe to do it justice but I will try; I saw a room that looked like an ancient bathroom from the Middle East. In the middle of the room was a light of such clarity that it shone through my body, my mind, my soul and it laid bare who I was. It was GOOD, it was original, it was life, it was ancient and young at the same time, it was endless.

I cried and said: ‘I have never seen something that is so beautiful. It makes me so sad.’ And the vision went away. ‘Where did it go?! It was so beautiful and now it is gone! I am so sad.’ I cried.

And the ayahuasca said: ‘Sadness is still your favorite emotion is it not?’ I figured I should not be sad upfront and the vision reappeared in all its beauty.

And I cried and said: ‘This is so beautiful, this is so beautiful. They will come and destroy it. I am sure of it’ And the vision would be gone.

‘No, this is not the way.’ my ayahuasca spirit said and I would practise to leave the sadness and the vision would came back.

‘This is so beautiful! This is so beautiful! What is it? Ooh my God. No matter what you say I am sure they will come and destroy it.’ And the vision would be gone.

And I would practise to leave the sadness and the vision would come back.

‘This is so beautiful! This is so beautiful! What is it? Why have I never seen this before? It is so beautiful and I have never seen it before, that makes me so sad!’

Well, you’re getting the cycle now I guess? And I would practise to leave the sadness and the vision would come back. And right now, when writing this I am crying because it all seems so futile because the sadness is back. And there is another ceremony going on right now here in the city and I am not part of it because I let sadness and alcohol rule my life.

I should not be sad. I still have not learned! Jason Vale told me to be happy about quitting and today I have not been happy about it and that scares me. I have seen on of the most beautiful things in the world. I should not be sad, sadness makes it go away.

The cycle continued: ‘This is so beautiful! This is so beautiful! What is it? I have looked everywhere to find something that is so beautiful I am sure it has been destroyed everywhere! That is why it is so difficult to live my life. I am so sad that this is not around more.’ And the vision would be gone.

‘Ok, OK! I got it! I should not put sadness between me and the beauty. It is so sad that I put sadness between me and …..’

‘Ok, I think I got it. πŸ™‚ I should not put sadness between me and the beauty. This is so beautiful, I can’t believe it….. I don’t deserve this.’

And so I practised and practised. I met sadness another 10 or 20 times over. Along came fear of destruction until finally I worked out that what I saw: my divine spark. And I should not be sad to meet it. I was happy. I was happy because of the beauty that I carry within, that everybody carries within. I was happy because I had met it. I was happy because I had practised not being unhappy. I was happy because I had looked all over the world for it and had finally found it.

And now I am sad, because I have a body that has been attacked and has been brutalized and disturbed. The sacredness, the integrity that I had been born into has been destroyed and it leaves me wanting and yearning to be whole again. It has made me scared and does make me sad at so many levels. And in between all of that I know now that I need to practise to get away from that hurt and try to connect again and NOT look in the outside world for answers. In addition to that NOT look for solutions that come from the outside like beer and wine or food or chocolate and chips.

No matter what happened, right now I am the one that destroys the experience of the beauty within me. Can I go back and live from that experience? Take the ayahuasca vision into the world and live from that place? I feel I can’t, I feel I can. I don’t know. It hurts. I have been revisiting old pain yesterday at my therapist and shit it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. I am not sure if I want to live in this world. Guessing I’ll have to otherwise I come back as a clump of grass in my next life.

Thinking of the character of the pain now. It was not the physical pain, though in some cases that was big. It was not the suffocating and feeling I could not breathe, even though I thought I died. It was the betrayal of the persons that did it, knowing that they should not, knowing that they enjoyed hurting me and did not care because they wanted that and wanted what they came for. They betrayed not only the bond we had but also damaged my feeling of safety in the world and did not care. And with that came the betrayal of my mother who did not believe me and did not take action. It destroyed my self-worth. If my mother does not even care, it must mean I am worthless. And all along I kept thinking that I should be fair and straight and honest. Because that is how it should be. In my dreams.

It are these very strong dreams, ideals and losing those that have hurt me but hanging onto them while obviously they were not in line with reality (well, that would be the definition of ideal) has kept me from accepting what happened. It has kept me from closing the wounds and moving on. Their actions have kept me from ever trusting a man in an intimate relation, from having children, from working long time in places because always there would be a man in the workspace reminding me and the dynamics I bring along would force me to battle it out with him.

On another level these experiences caused extreme reactions in me and laid a pattern in which there is no healing possible but only extreme sensations of low selfesteem or, in reaction to that, supriority, because the experiences were too big and overwhelming to be carried by me. Not by me and not by my mom, that is why she had to silence me, to not be confronted with what she could not bear. And that is why she did not come to my aid because she could not bear it either.

I asked the ayahuasca what I would need to do workwise in the future. She said: ‘That is not important, the only thing you need to do is to get clear.’

Clear in the word of the ayahuasca as I understood it means: not drinking but also, not hiding, not blowing up feelings to the extend of totally lacking self worth or being all-knowing and all-powerful, not hiding behind excuses, just doing the stuff that needs to be done and speak the words that need to be spoken. And not mourning over the wrong things, being happy and living, not putting sadness between myself and every experience that I have, every person that I meet.

And here it is….. ‘Oooooh, NOOOOOOOOO, I can NEVER do THAT?!!’

Well, maybe I can not, but I think I should do it anyhow. It takes a decision and the maintenance of the decision. I have been practising that. I have been practicing being happy about not drinking. That worked, well, up to yesterday. I need to continue to practise it. And now I deserve a drink, if I don’t deserve a drink right now I don’t know when anybody ever will.

And so it goes on, and on and on until I fully realise that I do not have to walk that path anymore and have practised another path. As the ayahuasca spirit said:

‘I can only show you what is. You have to do the work yourself.’

Happy that I quit? Not sure. Tired. Way past bedtime.

Secrets, secrets

In the series: how is addiction still affecting your life? Episode 12: When I started blogging there I deleted the part where you as a reader can see where I leave comments for other people. I did that because I was ashamed that I was / am online so much.

After reading Goodbye Vodka’s post of today I realised that, with that, I do exactly the same as I did when drinking: not picking up the phone and no Facebook after 2 beers. Hiding because I am ashamed. So I’ve put it back as an experiment. I feel now that I can not make promises here because I do not trust myself in this and I don’t want to have to force me into something I can’t hold on to.

Or is that stupid? Don’t know yet. I need to temper my online time, and I am doing that. Hey! I actually wrote a letter of application this morning! But now I sound like this kid that is trying to make sure he does not have a problem.

Well. Let’s see. And jeeeeeez, this feels awkward and vulnerable.