Lesigh, karma overrunning darma

A few days ago I commented on a (wonderful post) of Abbie in, what now, when looking back, looks like a mood of sheer frustration from my side; running up the walls. I am sorry Abbie. 😦 I should not have poured my desperation onto your blog. 😦

Also: is there anybody who can, from the outside, give me their view of what is going on in this reply? What do you think where I go off track because, frankly, when reading this back to me it seems like I am desperate and drunk. Obviously I am desperate, obviously I am not drunk. I did have a whole lot of sugar that day. Lately I feel I do not make any progress, actually, I feel like I have been stuck in resentment (YES! THAT is the word/emotion) against my boss (is that how to use the word in a sentence?). It is frustrating. I thought I was doing well, and then suddenly I find myself at a place where I have derailed and (again 😦 ) spilled my negative energy into a comment.

Now I come back to the ‘suddenly’ because I think I am lying to myself there. I think my use of sugar has replaced the use of alcohol. I come home and I binge on chocolate. 1 Bar of 100 grams, 72% dark eco chocolate and maximum 20 dates. For my system that is way too much. It numbs me. The way I use it is how I used alcohol. (You can wonder about the words there, I am not sure if I used alcohol or alcohol used me, or possibly both are true.)

My blood pressure is sky high, obviously also due to the tension at work and because I do not react to the signs of my body. Whenever I get home I do not want to ‘be aware’ anymore. I want to numb out. I still think that being aware of what is going on is ‘too difficult’. Apart from being happy that I quit, lately I find life very difficult again – not the sober part, that is ok. When I read other peoples posts I think: what is wrong with me? Why are all these people so runny, cake baky, meditationary, yoga-y? Why do I not ‘cope’? Is it because I have to do everything by myself? As in, not being in an intimate relation and not having parents? Is it because I don’t do AA and therefore miss out on development? (I still think I need to settle down in my aversion against religious approaches, even in texts. I have been religiously pounded on the head with not being good enough to live, anger flares up whenever I have to ‘as we understood Him’. To me it feels like an exact repetition of my teenage life where my autistic and fanatically religious father tried to scare, shame and bully me into submission. I think to know it is different, it is ‘just’ that any reference pushes my buttons. It is getting less so I’ll get there one day. 🙂 The ‘we accept that we are powerless’ does not really go down well. 😦 Ooh, for those who wonder: I think to know I am powerless over alcohol when it gets into my body. Which is why I use the power that I have to choose not to drink it and I am very happy I quit.)

This is my comment to Abbie’s post. Please let me have your thoughts.

It is not without frustration that I write this and I hope you can read through that and maybe find time to answer the question at the end of this comment.

What I find difficult in this approach to un-addicting or reversing the process of the addictive personality is that nobody is able to tell me HOW to make a change. Changes made ‘over the rational’ do not last long in my experience/life. ‘Just do it’ does not cut it for me. I quit drinking, that went down in a sort of ‘just do it’ way. But all the other stuff? Well, today I posted 3 posts.
1 On how I am doing after clashing with my boss.
2 On how people who are all in control would react to it and
3: The final post of a vid which FINALLY, after 10 months, made me understand the dynamics of the relation with my boss and how it had come about. And with that I understood this aspect from almost all the other relations I had, those with my parents, those with partners or bosses. The aspect of the intermitted reinforcement / codepency became so very clear.

For the post of how to react to bosses when you are in control: I am not there yet. And I actually think when somebody is so much aware of the things going on and so much control of their own reactions, they would probably not even start working for a boss like that.

All the lists of how to on WordPress, by professionals, on Facebook by (non) professionals do not influence me other than making me feel inadequate and, well, actually (yeah yeah, I let them) disable me. Unless I understand, figure out how things work, how I am feeling wise / emotionally attached to the situation with my boss (preferring abusive relations/addicted to intermitted reinforcement/double bind) I seem to have no entry at all. (Can anybody please please please tell me) How (on earth!) other people learn? (In between their running, yoga, high end jobs, family, relations, saving the world, holidays, cake baking, volunteering?)😦 I am at loss.😦 Even though my life is not easy I think I am exactly on the path where I should be, out of the 20 something people I knew I started with blogging at the same time, I and another person are the only ones continuously sober so there is something going well.) It is just that these lists, the how to’s which I can not get/grab/apply, they get to me.😦
xx, Feeling

I am happy that I quit. Happy that you (are trying to?) quit. ❤

A woman who loves herself should, possibly, reread the text and edit it so she will not be embarrassed by it the day after. [Insert foul language] This is how slow my learning goes. It takes me more than to years to come to a point where I find it important for self-protection to reread a post and possibly edit it. Well, I did choose to do it all organically, biologically, see where Life takes me. But by now I feel I want more control. But I do not want to do the work. I feel like I have done enough actually. Ooooh, ouch. I feel like I have become sober and Life punished me with this sadistic dragon of a boss which I have to fight in order to survive. Today I heard that last week she send a VERY PRETTY new girl from HQ through the workspace just in order to get her ogled at, yelled at and whistled at by the guys. This was AFTER I spoke with her on sexual intimidation. WAR IS ON. The guys recognised the game and not one shit was given that day. Ghegheghe. The contract of her main business friend is not being continued. He drinks like a fish. Turns totally purple in every move and fights his way through the company. I just hope this helps her lose ground at HQ. Mean? Yes. Resentment? Yes. Hoping for revenge? Yes. Getting a life? Nope…. 😦 Learning to let go? No. Putting energy in my own life? No. Sigh. It is not easy. Ooh. Watch the vid from Teal from my last post again. 🙂

Please let me have your wisest/most angry/funniest/most informative comments to my state of mind/being in ‘recovery’. :-/ I try to unaddict. I want to become clear. I tend to forget that. I tend to fogg up with BS because I am rather lost than clear. Clear hurts. Feeling things clearly hurts. So much pain I can not handle. This is how I view life now. Guess I have viewed it differently but I can not remember. And then again: is it all mine? Nope, I don’t think so. I think I carry a truckload of pain from my parents, about my parents, about their abusive relationship, about how this made me feel, about how I feel I need(ed) to protect my mother, and my father and my brother from everything going on. The fights, the anger, a house full of hatred, resentment, bitterness and despise. Not a good environment to grow up in. The goooooooood thing about not having parents is that hahaha, I do not have to drag this misery along. I still do. Maybe I should not.

I think I have difficulty differentiation between me and the other. Looking forward to the medical intuition summit (see former post). Hope to find some answers to the funny skills I have there. 🙂 Not looking forward to it in a happy way. I have not felt happy for a long time, just relieved. I guess that is it: I am not happy that I quit, I am relieved that I quit. That is different. I need to get the happy back. 🙂 Shake off the unnecessary stuff. 🙂

Hope you are having a good day/night. Remember that even though life might get tough so here and there, it is infinitely better than self destructing by drinking and drugging.

xx, Feeling


10 thoughts on “Lesigh, karma overrunning darma

  1. I started following your blog after reading your comment on Abbie’s blog. Often times, when we quit one thing (like drinking) picking up a replacement numbing agent (sugar) is totally normal. Recovery is a process. There will be ups and downs. Days where you don’t manage as well as you like. That is OK. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy). It is worth a look. Here is a list of the distress tolerance skills: http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/distresstolerance.htm Distress tolerance is about awareness but also being able to distract (rather than numb) when things get overwhelming.

    I don’t think it is because you aren’t doing AA. I have issues with the powerlessness thing too. I think what you are experiencing is a normal part of recovery and from what you’ve written, you are still sober and you still want to stay sober. Win-win!

    I’m not sure if this will help or if it want what you were looking to hear but I hope it does help. All the best.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hug
    I relate to what you wrote. So often experts say change this, be positive, view the world differently. BUT HOW. No one can say how. No one can explain how to find self compassion, forgiveness, happiness.
    I understand your frustration and bring told what’s wrong, how it should be…but not how to get there.

    You are under a lot of stress. Try to give yourself a break.
    Sometimes I get tired and start making comments that come across much harsher than I want. I try to log off then.

    We all have moods. Some are bad. That’s ok.

    I wish there was a simple answer to help people stay sober. It has made my life so much better. Not very different, but I now like it.


    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Anne for your kind reply. Ggiving myself a break should be a good idea. Not sure if I need to reassure you that it is not the staying sober I am worried about. It is the not living and learning that get to me currently. And….. I should be off to learn at the medical intuition summit. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Dear Lovely Feeling,
    Funny you should write this, as I am down today myself.
    I look at other people in recovery and see how much spiritual growth they have made, where as I don’t seem to be there.
    I am reading a very interesting book written by a woman who has diabetes, went blind, was raped, got married and divorced, had 2 kidney transplants, and a pancreas transplant, who got cancer, and yes, more.
    She offers some wonderful words in terms of healing. Now she is a healer here in my city!

    I often get lost on some days, and then other days or times, I feel good.
    I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who is all up all the time.
    You are doing a wonderful job telling your story.
    I sometimes think no one can give us all the answers.
    We learn from here and there, from books, life, and speakers.
    And then, we learn from ourselves and our experiences.

    You are a seeker, and a learner.
    By asking questions and sharing yourself with safe people, you are on your path.
    You are a wonderful person, and I am grateful for your friendship!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dearest Feeling- now that I see your distress about your comment, I’m even sorrier that it took me so long to see it. I hope that my reply was some help. The saying is “Time takes time”, which reminds me of how much I wanted to be “better! NOW!!” As long as you keep doing what you’ve been doing, your life will (eventually) become more manageable. Hugs, sweety.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 🙂 Not to worry about the time, the whole thing was of my own doing. Thank you for you understanding after me unloading my issues on your post.
      And yes to the “I want it ALL and I want it NOW” attitude. I keep on forgetting about that. 😦 I actually have it as a tag in my blog somewhere because it is such an addicty thing. 🙂
      I am guessing it is time for me to go look for some womens sobriety group here because I finally feel I am ready and am in need of more feedback and sober live contact. I am done with the going around in circles. The scare of the repeated behaviour is finally bigger than the fear of change.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t think the new sobers are running, meditating and yoga-ing every day. I am in bed, unshowered at 7:30 at night trying to make myself get up and at least go to the gym. I have productive days and lazy days. Today has been totally lazy. There is a LOT that requires my attention but I just don’t feel like it today. It’s frustrating bc I want to immediately polish and shine my whole life but I know if I rush, if I set crazy expectations, if I compare myself to others I think are doing better…then I will crash. Give yourself a break. You are probably your own harshest critic.

    Liked by 1 person

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