Went to an AA meeting

What?! Yes! I went to an AA meeting today. Not sure why. Possibly because I feel another rock-bottom coming up and I don’t want to do stuff alone anymore. Meeting people who have travelled the same road was good. 🙂 I got to introduce myself and say (quite) some words. I was surprised at how normal most of the people looked. Ghegheghe..

I am happy that I but I realise that I am not doing ‘the work’ now since I Netflix and chocolate the day away. I find ‘things’ too difficult to deal but I can’t really not deal because my income is on the line. I still have something between 0 and 16 working days in this month I need to be at work. Talks with HR and my boss have been really heavy. I do however ‘recover’ quicker than I would do if I drank. That is very obvious now. Maybe also because I have found personal closure in this where I realised the other day that the whole issue with my boss is a bitch fight over the guys. Not proud of it, but well, yeah, her getting paid at least 3 times my salary should have kept her from behaving the way she does. It did not. I can not cope. I need to get out. I could have filed a complaint. I do not want to do that (right now) even though she has cost me enough in therapy costs. Filing a complaint would also drag others into this and I just want to get out and focus on the future.

I had a ‘job’ application on Thursday, it went well and since I was the only candidate she informed me that I was ‘most likely in’. And…. the next day she changed her mind. It is not a job but an assignment which I would fulfill from my business side. And the school is looking for people to stay there and actually take up a job. I would appreciate that but also informed her that I cannot live from the currently offered 4 hours divided over 2 days. Which means I HAVE to look for another job. Not sure if it were my surprise at her not understanding this point or something else which threw here off but she now has doubts if I am the one. Food for thought. Well, I am invited for a 2nd interview but the date has not been set.

I am happy that I quit. Happy that I went to a meeting today. Not sure what to do with my face though because I’m so caught up in the sharings that I do not mind my face and that goes from ‘Holy shit’ to ‘Ooh my gosh’ to crying over pain I am reminded of. Can you please tell me how you deal with that? I need to learn to regulate, not? Lifting my eyebrows when people speak of repeated DUI’s might be ‘politically correct’ in ‘normal life’ but not in an AA meeting. :-/

A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. And she would have cleaned the house, not sit around feeling she should have cleaned the house for the whole effing weekend. Sliding, sliding. I don’t want to be aware. I am already overtaxed as it is. Don’t want to feel. Don’t want to realise stuff. Not good. The other day I had a drinking dream. Not sure what it was about. I believe I had forgotten that I do not drink. I have that a lot since is it such a non issue. I believe I even forgot my 2 year 1 month soberversary. Not sure if that is good. I think I must watch myself. The amount of chocolate, still under 1 bar, that I eat makes me cry like a crybaby and depressed. Suicide thoughts popping up like mushrooms in autumn after the eating of chocolate and still I do not stop. Aah ja, because exactly due to the chocolate I feel not worth stopping for. It is SO much like alcohol for my body and mind. I am tired of walking in circles with this but I feel like I have no way out. Oh yeah, that is why I went to the AA meeting; see if that could inspire me.

I am so tired of the difficulties in my life. I feel so lonely going through this on my own. The normy friends I have do not understand having an addictive personality. I am back to not appreciating myself for who and what I am. I feel like again I am leaving a family behind. Well, obviously a family with a ‘mother’ who exactly does not appreciate me for who I am and I take over this projected feeling. Or possibly I project it onto her and she back. Or, well, whatever. I dislike this path in life where again and again I have to leave. It is like being born all over again and again and again and it is not the nice independent, freeing side of getting born I meet currently. I want to get away I want to fly away.

Mwoah, darkness is taking over -> bedtime! Sleep = good. 🙂

Wishing you a nice, preferably sober day / evening / week!

I am happy that I quit. Not liking my life currently and my lack of dealing but sober = better. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Lesigh, karma overrunning darma

A few days ago I commented on a (wonderful post) of Abbie in, what now, when looking back, looks like a mood of sheer frustration from my side; running up the walls. I am sorry Abbie. 😦 I should not have poured my desperation onto your blog. 😦

Also: is there anybody who can, from the outside, give me their view of what is going on in this reply? What do you think where I go off track because, frankly, when reading this back to me it seems like I am desperate and drunk. Obviously I am desperate, obviously I am not drunk. I did have a whole lot of sugar that day. Lately I feel I do not make any progress, actually, I feel like I have been stuck in resentment (YES! THAT is the word/emotion) against my boss (is that how to use the word in a sentence?). It is frustrating. I thought I was doing well, and then suddenly I find myself at a place where I have derailed and (again 😦 ) spilled my negative energy into a comment.

Now I come back to the ‘suddenly’ because I think I am lying to myself there. I think my use of sugar has replaced the use of alcohol. I come home and I binge on chocolate. 1 Bar of 100 grams, 72% dark eco chocolate and maximum 20 dates. For my system that is way too much. It numbs me. The way I use it is how I used alcohol. (You can wonder about the words there, I am not sure if I used alcohol or alcohol used me, or possibly both are true.)

My blood pressure is sky high, obviously also due to the tension at work and because I do not react to the signs of my body. Whenever I get home I do not want to ‘be aware’ anymore. I want to numb out. I still think that being aware of what is going on is ‘too difficult’. Apart from being happy that I quit, lately I find life very difficult again – not the sober part, that is ok. When I read other peoples posts I think: what is wrong with me? Why are all these people so runny, cake baky, meditationary, yoga-y? Why do I not ‘cope’? Is it because I have to do everything by myself? As in, not being in an intimate relation and not having parents? Is it because I don’t do AA and therefore miss out on development? (I still think I need to settle down in my aversion against religious approaches, even in texts. I have been religiously pounded on the head with not being good enough to live, anger flares up whenever I have to ‘as we understood Him’. To me it feels like an exact repetition of my teenage life where my autistic and fanatically religious father tried to scare, shame and bully me into submission. I think to know it is different, it is ‘just’ that any reference pushes my buttons. It is getting less so I’ll get there one day. 🙂 The ‘we accept that we are powerless’ does not really go down well. 😦 Ooh, for those who wonder: I think to know I am powerless over alcohol when it gets into my body. Which is why I use the power that I have to choose not to drink it and I am very happy I quit.)

This is my comment to Abbie’s post. Please let me have your thoughts.

It is not without frustration that I write this and I hope you can read through that and maybe find time to answer the question at the end of this comment.

What I find difficult in this approach to un-addicting or reversing the process of the addictive personality is that nobody is able to tell me HOW to make a change. Changes made ‘over the rational’ do not last long in my experience/life. ‘Just do it’ does not cut it for me. I quit drinking, that went down in a sort of ‘just do it’ way. But all the other stuff? Well, today I posted 3 posts.
1 On how I am doing after clashing with my boss.
2 On how people who are all in control would react to it and
3: The final post of a vid which FINALLY, after 10 months, made me understand the dynamics of the relation with my boss and how it had come about. And with that I understood this aspect from almost all the other relations I had, those with my parents, those with partners or bosses. The aspect of the intermitted reinforcement / codepency became so very clear.

For the post of how to react to bosses when you are in control: I am not there yet. And I actually think when somebody is so much aware of the things going on and so much control of their own reactions, they would probably not even start working for a boss like that.

All the lists of how to on WordPress, by professionals, on Facebook by (non) professionals do not influence me other than making me feel inadequate and, well, actually (yeah yeah, I let them) disable me. Unless I understand, figure out how things work, how I am feeling wise / emotionally attached to the situation with my boss (preferring abusive relations/addicted to intermitted reinforcement/double bind) I seem to have no entry at all. (Can anybody please please please tell me) How (on earth!) other people learn? (In between their running, yoga, high end jobs, family, relations, saving the world, holidays, cake baking, volunteering?)😦 I am at loss.😦 Even though my life is not easy I think I am exactly on the path where I should be, out of the 20 something people I knew I started with blogging at the same time, I and another person are the only ones continuously sober so there is something going well.) It is just that these lists, the how to’s which I can not get/grab/apply, they get to me.😦
xx, Feeling

I am happy that I quit. Happy that you (are trying to?) quit. ❤

A woman who loves herself should, possibly, reread the text and edit it so she will not be embarrassed by it the day after. [Insert foul language] This is how slow my learning goes. It takes me more than to years to come to a point where I find it important for self-protection to reread a post and possibly edit it. Well, I did choose to do it all organically, biologically, see where Life takes me. But by now I feel I want more control. But I do not want to do the work. I feel like I have done enough actually. Ooooh, ouch. I feel like I have become sober and Life punished me with this sadistic dragon of a boss which I have to fight in order to survive. Today I heard that last week she send a VERY PRETTY new girl from HQ through the workspace just in order to get her ogled at, yelled at and whistled at by the guys. This was AFTER I spoke with her on sexual intimidation. WAR IS ON. The guys recognised the game and not one shit was given that day. Ghegheghe. The contract of her main business friend is not being continued. He drinks like a fish. Turns totally purple in every move and fights his way through the company. I just hope this helps her lose ground at HQ. Mean? Yes. Resentment? Yes. Hoping for revenge? Yes. Getting a life? Nope…. 😦 Learning to let go? No. Putting energy in my own life? No. Sigh. It is not easy. Ooh. Watch the vid from Teal from my last post again. 🙂

Please let me have your wisest/most angry/funniest/most informative comments to my state of mind/being in ‘recovery’. :-/ I try to unaddict. I want to become clear. I tend to forget that. I tend to fogg up with BS because I am rather lost than clear. Clear hurts. Feeling things clearly hurts. So much pain I can not handle. This is how I view life now. Guess I have viewed it differently but I can not remember. And then again: is it all mine? Nope, I don’t think so. I think I carry a truckload of pain from my parents, about my parents, about their abusive relationship, about how this made me feel, about how I feel I need(ed) to protect my mother, and my father and my brother from everything going on. The fights, the anger, a house full of hatred, resentment, bitterness and despise. Not a good environment to grow up in. The goooooooood thing about not having parents is that hahaha, I do not have to drag this misery along. I still do. Maybe I should not.

I think I have difficulty differentiation between me and the other. Looking forward to the medical intuition summit (see former post). Hope to find some answers to the funny skills I have there. 🙂 Not looking forward to it in a happy way. I have not felt happy for a long time, just relieved. I guess that is it: I am not happy that I quit, I am relieved that I quit. That is different. I need to get the happy back. 🙂 Shake off the unnecessary stuff. 🙂

Hope you are having a good day/night. Remember that even though life might get tough so here and there, it is infinitely better than self destructing by drinking and drugging.

xx, Feeling

Bewaren

Free online summits

RECOVERY 2.0
The free online summit Recovery 2.0 will start again on Wednesday the 14th! Yay!

For those who are new to online summits:

  • interviews of 30 to 90 minutes with people are knowledgeable in their field
  • every interview is available for 24 hours online
  • mostly all the interviews are available again the last weekend/2 days
  • free of charge (but you will be guided along pricelists for buying the information for keeping)
  • informative, beautiful, experiences
  • keep your notebook (printscreen button?) at hand so you can draw up a To Read booklist.

In the Recovery 2.0 online summit do not miss out on Dr. Gabor Maté, he might give off a  difficult to watch impression of severe depression but please listen him out. He knows his stuff.

MEDICAL INTUITION SUMMIT

Just found this and I am very excited! Caroline Myss speaks with great clarity about vage energetic feeling stuff. YES! She says things like ‘Recognising the signs that your body gives off is a basic survival skill’. Amen to that! I imagine: this is where we got ill from alcohol and did not listen. 🙂 Also she says that feelings are important indicators. YES, my kind of summit. Hope to get some clarity there. I am good at feeling, bad at losing myself in it. 🙂

Wishing you all beautiful learning opportunities.

I am happy that I quit otherwise I would have never gotten to this intuition summit and I think I need to learn stuff there.

A woman who loves herself would listen to her body and go to the toilet instead of typing here. She would also clean the house after that so she can feel good about herself. And she would QUIT eating chocolate because the bloodpressure is sky high with these heat and bad sleep here.

Enjoy!!!!

xx, Feeling

Watch your intentions

Watch your intentions,
for they become your thoughts.
Watch your thoughts,
for they become your actions.
Watch your actions,
for they become your life.

Monday last week I was 23 months sober and I celebrated that by ordering very much needed sandals. I had worn out my last Teva’s, to the thread and am now skipping happily on my new ones. ❤  🙂 ❤ Yay! Yes, I wrote about that before but I am so happy with them! They are a sober gift to me which I can wear all day. 🙂

In those 23 months I have seen may sober bloggers close their blog or disappear for a while to resurface with a header saying ‘day 1’. I am always happy when people return. Day 1 is infinitely better than drinking. And then again: I would advise anybody to only start day 1 when they are ready. Unless not being ready is given in by the addict. I made sure I had my last drink and KNEW it. I sort of mind fully drowned myself in alcohol, taking such a ‘dose’ that I would be sure I had enough. I did. I have the feeling my last drink is more than 23 months behind me. I (mainly) do not feel like I have another drink in me. Which is very comforting. I knew it was essential for me to only quit after I had had my last drink so I went looking for that. Which, yes, might sound very much like an addict making an excuse to drink. Not sure, I decided I would quit by myself one day, and then within 2 weeks I found my last drink. I actually think I did not bullshit myself there. I worked towards that last drink and after that did not drink again. Yuck, even the thought repels me. Brrrrr.

But still….. I have been wondering about learing sobriety and I have through the months realised that it goes in layers. First layers I did on the excitement of the do or die choice, on the power that is in hitting rock bottom and knowing it. Then the pink cloud kicked in big time so I was even more excited. 🙂 Through the first few weeks, months there were tiny moments, mainly seconds, where cravings or drink think popped up. Already then I thought ‘This goes in waves.’ but now I realise that it is indeed a process of uncovering the drinking behaviour, the drink think and the intentions. Layer after layer, which might be why at some moments in life it feels like I have to start ‘all over again’. Like I am new to life and living.

Well, that is when I ran into this poem / tile / quote which I actually twisted a bit to fit the purpose:

Watch your intentions,
for they become your thoughts.
Watch your thoughts,
for they become your actions.
Watch your actions,
for they become your life.

When getting sober / not drinking I learned to mind all these 3 levels. My intention was to ‘get clear’. I did not want the addiction between me and the world anymore. I did not want to feel that I had to lie and drink to protect myself. That meant I had to change my thinking and my actions. 🙂 Well, I did. And yeah, that is when the transfer addictions came in but I now take these as a part of the process. Obviously I could not do it differently otherwise I would have done it differently.

That is all for today. Bedtime again. I am still not writing about the horrible week I had at work. I fell into every trap of self flagellation there is and my boss happily joined me to rub it all in. I almost gave up my job, realising that the environment had become even more hostile than I am towards me. That is not good. I work, well, for the money, but also to get myself out of the darkness I was in. Last week I walked into it. All about trusting me, well, not trusting me. No confidence, nowhere, nothing, gone. I have had a 2 day weekend so it the dust has settled a little and I, bhwahahaha, I thought I could say ‘I see now’. I don’t see now, people told me that I should see now that it is not all that bad what I do. I do not believe it for a sec. I need to be perfect, ‘otherwise they don’t love me and I have no right to exist’. It is life threatening to me not to be perfect. 😦 Well, I am at a good place to learn to deal with it and I need to do soon otherwise not the outside world will do me in, but I will. Well, not literally, but this is how it feels. Again: things come in layers. Obviously somewhere I am not doing something. With this job with this destructive management I never know if I should quit or learn to deal. I have asked a colleague of mine to remind me that it is an adult thing to do to get another job before I give up this one. Bwaaaahahahaa, that would be a first.

😦 / 🙂 Gosh…. black and white, impulsive, no emotional control, extremist in anything. 😀 Well, I’ll get there one day. :-).

I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT. Ooh, imagine having to do this with alcohol. Nasty. Don’t imagine; it is not good. Not drinking = good. 🙂

Going to bed on time too. A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. But do the spellcheck too otherwise she fears that other people might think she is stupid. 😀 Which is actually a true thought. I also have this fear that people who do not know this is not my first language think I have been drinking when I make spelling mistakes. I throw that thought out of the window anytime it passes. It is good for the records to write it down thought. Get it out of my system. 🙂

So, a wwlh does spellcheck today! 🙂

Wishing you a nice beginning of the new week.

xx, Feeling

Slogans

Abbieinwonderland wrote a beautiful post on sober ‘slogans’ – those things which you repeat or tell yourself in order to either understand something, or motivate yourself. After replying to Abbie I found that I would like to save this text as a post on my own page too. So here it is!

“What is in the way, is The Way” – which is a recovery slogan from Mary O’Malley who has written a book about it. It sort of means; if you get stressed from not drinking; work on the stress.

“I am happy that I quit” – which, gheghe, is obviously ‘by me’😀. I found that being happy about quitting opens a whole different set of possibilities in life in comparison to thinking it is all shitty. If I sit down to moan about it the first thoughts which appear are ‘Ooh, I might as well drink.’ While when I am happy, I am proud of myself, and happy.:-). The practise of getting to the point of being happy about quitting every day taught me what I actually really felt about it. Which refers back to ‘What is in the way…’

By the way: I am convinced that the thought that alcohol makes us happy is put in our brains by the alcohol industry/society. It is the result of being brainwashed. I take the time to unbrainwash me so I do not have to white knuckle it. It is the difference between trying to stop an oncoming train by hand or just stepping off the rails and watching it pass by.

“What would a woman who loves herself do?” – Teal Swan.
Not sure if it is a slogan but I use it repeatedly to find out what is actually going on. I found, with getting sober, that there are so many energetic / feeling currents under the surface which influence me – and which, I think are the ones that would make me drink if I were to drink – that I think it is necessary to become aware of them and to take care of me with that. Asking this question really helps me making sound decisions. At first I thought I would turn to watching movies at night and fat with eating chocolate. It works out that I put chocolate down and go to bed on time.

“The longer I do not drink, the weaker the addict within becomes.”

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off’ – Gloria Steinem
I use this insight / slogan to realise that I am not the only one whose process pisses them off.:-)

“In nature, there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences. – Robert Green Ingersoll.
I uses this insight / slogan to stabilize myself when I am hoping for rewards after having done something well or just to make me realise that this is how life works. THIS IS HOW LIFE WORKS. We have added all kinds of emotions and reward systems to this to guide kids in a ‘good’ direction but actually this is the only thing it comes down to.

“One moment at the time / The only thing I have to do is to not drink now in this moment.” On moment at the time is ‘my’ version of ‘one day at the time’. The second one comes from my therapist. (Hi :-)) These slogans helped me to go back to the moment I was living in, instead of looking forward, worrying about something in the future. Like the thought ‘Oooh, I can NEVER drink again!’ would sometimes get to me and then I would remember: No, I only do not have to drink right now. I can manage right now. I never liked ‘One day at the time, one day was way too long for me, that already stretches me into the future. When I do that I lose touch with my base and start to feel ‘out of it’ or unhappy or strange in many possible ways.

And there is: “Whatever it takes is what it takes.” I think I came up with that. Not sure. It is about thinking ‘Nah, I don’t really need ALL that self-care, nah, I don’t really, really need to eat healthy, I don’t really, really need to go to bed early because that would be ridiculous, if I were to need so much care…. pfff, that would be very ridiculous. Nobody else does it….’ I answer to myself: whatever it takes is what it takes.

I guess these are / have been the most important for me. Of which obviously the I am happy that I quit practise has helped me most in the beginning while now I start to feel that I need to take care of me on a deeper level and I continue with ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’.

Well, I’m going to press the publish button now, but obviously not without saying “I am SOOOOO happy that I quit! 23 Months ago (plus some days) I decided to stop. Shit I was scared but it was a do or die situation to me so I did. And I lived :-). Which, I guess, is good. I bought myself a real real nice pair of Teva sandals because the other ones were worn out after 10 years :-). I actually walked through the sole. 🙂 Is that how you say it? Probably not. I am enjoying every step on the Teva’s :-). Love this brand. Really good collection build up in hardness of the soles and support and durability. Very well done. As a maker of stuff it makes me happy to see brands which actually really think their collection through.

Can’t stop repeating: I am so happy that I quit. It probably sounds cheesy to you all after having heard this so many times but I am. Again and again and again. Life is tough, has been these weeks, more to follow on daily life but I am so happy that I am here and sober and experiencing the ups and downs.

Hope you enjoyed!
xx, Feeling

Chocolate does not equal taking care

Hi!

Wanting to say thank you to you all who have supported me in that dark period last week. I have learned a lot:

  • What other people say and do belongs to them. I do not have to take it in. I can listen and then decide wether or not to do something with it.
  • My boss is manipulative, mean and destructive. That is what she is. I need to take that seriously and not ‘hope’ that it may be different. Next to that she is also very nice, when it suits her. I do not have to change her. I do not have to take care of others. I only have to take care of myself.
  • Asking for help when in trouble is a good thing.
  • I need to remember my tools when I’m in a shitty situation. That is when I feel I don’t have a right to take care of me.
  • I have a pattern of beating myself up when I do something not to my liking. Beating myself up is not useful. I NEED to learn to also ask WWAWWLHD when in trouble.
  • There is a difference between pampering and taking care of myself. Chocolate does not equal care.
  • I have, in the last months, I guess ever since I quit seeing the bookstore man, stopped with ‘being aware’. I have been eating chocolate and dates, Facebooking, WordPressing and Netflixing. All to be ‘not aware’ of what I feel, of what is going on. I fear that being aware will kill me. But like alcohol, I realise now it is the not being aware that will get to me in the end. I obviously do not lack a sense of drama so to me thinking about changing this attitude feels as big as quitting alcohol. But my goal with quitting beer was to become clear. That includes quitting the other addictive behaviours.

Sometimes it feels like I am so close and other times I drown myself in stupidity. Today I was SO fed up with the dirty state of my house that I cleaned. Wow, that took a long, long time and I am not totally done yet. Every time I wanted to quit and eat chocolate I asked myself WWAWWLHD? And she would clean because she felt bad about an unclean house. 🙂 The whole ‘WWAWWLHD’ is such an eye opener! And ooh yeah, off topic: Teal Swan, the woman who introduced me to the question and who used it for herself for a year, is getting married today. 🙂

I think it has to do with allowing myself to choose for myself. Allowing myself to close off the rest of the world and take care of me. Allowing myself to take care of me. Period. Because I used to think that I was not worth taking care of. I still do, sometimes. But I am starting to realise that taking care of me is the ‘only way out’. 🙂 (Once an addict, always an addict, always wanting ‘out’.) But I guess this is the good way out, because it goes in.

I need to remember: pampering and selfsedating with chocolate and Netflix does not equal caring. I find it hard to step out of (old) patterns. It seems to me that only setting the egg-timer to check up on me works and hanging these ’tiles’ – post-its with questions on my screen and in the toilet helps. How do you do that?

I am HAPPY that I quit in a tired way but realising I would probably not be alive if I had kept drinking. So I guess that is good because I was/am not ready to die yet. 🙂

WWAWWLHD? She would go to bed. Again, no spell check. And yes that might mean that there are strange sentences too, but if I go reading back I will spend another half an hour explaining, thinking, writing. Don’t want that.

Thank you all for reading 🙂 Love to hear how you deal with changing (old) patterns.

xx, Feeling

 

Ouch! :-D

In addition to my earlier post on how people find me I would like to add this search used by a visitor of my blog:

howtofuckupinlife

That one actually really hurt. Ouch!

For those of you not familiar with the backside of WordPress: there is a statistics page which shows how many people visit, who is following, how many posts have been read and… what search words people use who end up at my blog. This person came to my blog with ‘how to fuck up in life’. Yeah. THANK YOU FOR THE REMINDER! 😀

Btw: if you would like to keep your search anonymouslike (only anonymous for the blogs you will visit – not for Google) you can use Google and type the words you are looking for and I think precede that by the word ‘wordpress’ and you get the same-ish result.

I am happy that I quit. I have however a light concussion which was a work accident, not my doing, was bending over and got knocked on the head by an oncoming metal table pushed by a guy who is too strong for this world – still waiting for the flowers to arrive :-D. I have a nasty headache and am mainly very very tired while sleeping 19 hours a day for 5 days in a row now. But mostly I am more emotional than the leave Britney alone homo. First day I felt like I was back in the dark pit where I was when still drinking and hitting rock bottom. ‘I don’t care if I wake up anymooohooooohooooor, I migth as well be deaheaaheaaaad.’ But that is mostly gone now. Well, it is informative. I tried to get into the feeling of ‘This too shall pass.’ Which is actually a good thing. Funny that I, in my whole life, never learned that. Guess my parents must have tried but I can imagine I took it as diminishing my problems.

I am very happy that I quit. Trying to apply the ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’ principle during the day and gosh it is a big relieve of that mean bitch inside my head. 🙂 Still I am surprised to find that a woman who loves herself actually makes the good choices. I still somehow think she would eat chocolate all day, not cook and go to bed late. The very opposite is true. It does show that my Calvinistic (is that an English word too?) upbringing in the Netherlands has had its influence.

So, too much screentime for me already. The first days after the concussion I could actually see the screen ‘flickre’ (if that is a word – turn on and of very rapidly)

As said: I am happy that I quit, hope you are happy too. Being happy about quitting makes it way easier. Eeasy-peasy I would say, if only I had known…, and now let’s not get arrogant…  I think I should be more into the next steps in sobriety. Not doing that, I feel like I’m standing still and I think that is also the message from the Universe with this concussion. AND I STILL DO NOT HAVE A CLUE WHAT (TF?) I WANT WITH MY LIFE. Well, I do, but I don’t dare to switch. I would love to go into eco farming and natural healing but that switch takes money I don’t have. Let’s see. I notice now that I am only looking at how it is not possible instead of at how it would be possible. Hmmm. Food for thought.

Wishing you a nice sober day. I feel the need to remind you of the free, online alcohol desensitization program I followed. Not sure why I feel that way just now but hey, if you feel on the edge or never want to feel on the edge again, it is worth a try; it is a sort of computer game and it will bore the hell out of your want to drink. Really. 😀 And that is good, very good. There is one ‘game’ for smoking and pot too. Enjoy!

xx, Feeling