28 month sober – 1 week new job

Just wanted to post this because it somehow very much reminds me of my life.

Work is good, I am happy that I quit because I could never ever have done this job while drinking. My boss told me yesterday that he was very, very, very happy that he had hired me. I guess that is a compliment which also stretches out to me. 🙂 So that is good.

He has the same name as the nice guy I fell in love with at my former workplace. Sigh. And then the gods started playing with my head by sending in 2 other guys with the same name this week. So every morning I meditate and in that meditation discover if and how I am attached to the nice guy and let it go. In that letting go, which actually looks a LOT like what I did while quitting drinking, I realise that I am alone and can stand on my own two feet. Also: that the sort of addictive way I have in dealing with guys is, well, addictive. It is mist I create to not be clear, a ‘get away’ from what is. And the funny thing is: when I cut all these energetic threads I actually feel better so I do not understand the ‘need’ for it. Apart from me having an addictive personality and having difficulty with being at ease. 😀

So yeah, happy that I quit. Spending Christmas on my own. Need to really take 100% care of me and me said: not going to visit the family because I don’t feel like it and I need all my energy to cope with this new function. It has nothing to do with the function before. I did half a day of production work this week, just to get an idea. The rest was office/procedures/speaking with consultants on the trajectory we’re setting up. Not sure if we will get the certification.

From what I have learned discipline and procedures need to be way tighter than they are in this new factory. Which is why I asked my boss to set out a vacancy to try get two of the employees from my former work in the company. It is a bit tricky: that would be almost half of the former companies staff and the former company is a customer of my current company so… tricky. But then again, these guys have been looking for an opportunity to leave and now it is here. Not sure if they will follow, I have the feeling things have changed there since I left. But is would be good. Would safe me a LOT of work in training and get them the job they were looking for, not sure if they like the colleagues though, the whole company is so diverse that about 20% speaks Dutch, 30% English and the rest something Englishlike or another European language. German I speak, Spanish I can follow to understanding what it is about, Italian a little less but Polish? Pfff…. Not sure if it is going to work, my intentions are not entirely selfish so I feel I am being manipulative so, well, that is never good.

My head/concussion has not been bothering me but I need to really take it easy in the evening, back to having no evening appointments otherwise ‘the light turns off’ in my head. Lucky me: I have flexible working hours! And a day extra to spend because I started working a day before my contract started, and… a 36 hour workweek. So! Hey! I can sort of have 7 hour workdays and that = good for me. Still I have about 4 kilo of certification procedures to read over Christmas, getting paid for it though, not gonna do free overtime for this salary. He’s got my consultancy brain for 500 more than a production worker. Well, I should have stood up when he offhandely offered that. In hindsight it was sooo clear that he was open to negotiating. Ghegheghe…. my head was somewhere else: can I do this job, is it not too early, is it not too difficult? Actually I’m fine with the salary. I also realise that I do have to really keep a tight grip on my priorities and focus otherwise I will drown in the procedures, rules and fear of not being able to do it.

Just now that I am writing it has turned the 25th of December and I am 28 months sober. Happy that I quit. With the meditating I experience a lot of progress again in myself, I needed that, I was getting worried about the lack of clarity I was experiencing, the addictive mind was looking too much for distraction. I meditate till my mind is still and then a little longer. I got into a daily routine, then the job happened and now I need to incorporate this routine in my every days schedule again. Working on it. 🙂

Sending holiday greetings from The Netherlands. I am happy that I quit. I am happy that you quit. If you did not, I would really appreciate if you will consider quitting (again).

Now that I am back in a job which is more at my level I am feeling less ashamed about my drinking and what I ruined with that. Still pissed off about wasting away a lot of money by not working and living of my savings/inheritance. I have difficulty looking that in they eye. 😦 I actually feel I can only be totally cleaned of ‘this’ when I earn back that money. I am thinking this prolonged shame is something which going through the 12 steps might change. But I am not ready to let go, know that too. I feel the shame is some sort of ‘security blanket’ in a negative way. Well, by the time it is time to let go, it will go. 🙂

xx, Feeling

15 Kinds of Verbal Abuse

I wish to share with you this beautifully insightful article of Berit Brogaard D.M.Sci., Ph.D  based on a book of Patricia Evans on verbal abuse. I have put all kinds of links in here as not to be stealing anybodies work.

The article has helped me a lot to get clarity in the extreme stressful work situation I have found myself in the last year. I am SO happy I quit. It has been 2 days and I am slowly finding myself back, whoa… I can not even find words for the relieve I feel and re-reading this article now, while the stressful, damaging work situation is not present anymore helps me to get the situation clear and regroup myself. I feel I have been hiding like a small scared child in a corner, only to come out to scream and cry.

Sobriety is all about what you take in and leave out. Since I could not moderate in what part of her (destructive) communication I let in I needed to leave.

Reading through the list I have memories of the way my parents communicated and how I was brought up. I think, if I want to summarise (is that the word?) the situation of my childhood, of the marriage of my parents, of the family situation I would say that in the basis we lived in a continuous battle with each other. I was once given two questions by my therapist; “If the other exists, can you exist?” and I had to answer “No”. “If you exist, can the other exist?” and the answer was “No.” again. That is how I grew up, thinking that people have to fight continuously for their spot in this world, thinking that if somebody took the right to live, to be, they needed to be taken down because it was seen as a threat. Possibly siblings envy but then on a family scale. The execution of fight-flight-freeze mode in a group. Obviously that does not work in a group when one/people execute this to the max so there was a solution which is called hierarchy. My father was the top-dog and we all had to follow. He overruled and undercut my mother where ever she went only when she did that to herself he would support her and be the nice guy. I followed and supported that behaviour. I am sorry mom, I am so sorry. But why the FUCK DID YOU NOT STAND UP?!! Cut his balls of and shove them down his throat? Why not? (excuse my French)

I guess for the same reason as I let my boss bully me: because you somehow felt you did not have the right to do so. Because I somehow felt I did not have the right to do so. Because of the (family) dynamics we grew up in. Because I agreed with the dynamics at work because the look familiar to me. That is where I blow off steam to the outside world but my inner Feeling is saying: “Aaah, there is me being put down. Wow, that really makes me feel at home. I like it here. :-)” Masochism? Not sure how those dynamics work. She’s a sadist though, I know that. And I did ‘analyse’ the rest of my colleagues and found traits of masochism in all of them. Some of them even literally said: “I like dominant women.” Karma just pulled a joke on me by making the asshole a woman instead of a man. If it would have been a man I would have seen it earlier. 😀

“Karma is a BITCH!”

“Projections, projections.”

Soooo…. verbal abuse, below is the article of PSYCHOLOGY TODAY a site I find very read-worthy.

If we look at verbal abuse as a means of maintaining control and power over someone, we can think of the types of verbal abuse listed and explained in this post as being ways that someone tries to dominate or control their partner.

Does this mean that the abuser actually feels more powerful when he (or she), for instance, subtly puts down his partner’s interests? Yes, as incomprehensible as this is to some of us. Does this mean that their partner feels put down? Not always. He or she may feel a twinge of sadness because they cannot share this interest. Or he or she may feel a twinge of sadness that their partner can’t enjoy, say, a particular artist or composer. Does this mean that the abuser can’t (or doesn’t) enjoy this pleasure? Not always; he or she may simply find greater pleasure in feeling that they have power over their partner.

We will also see that verbal abuse prevents real relationships. This seems obvious, but the partner of an abuser may live under the illusion that he or she has a real relationship. This may be for a number of reasons; an important one is that, as a couple, the abuser and their partner may function adequately in their respective roles. Verbal abusers generally experience many of their feelings as anger. For instance, if a verbal abuser feels unsure and anxious he may simply feel angry—possibly angry that he is feeling unsure and anxious. Yet part of being human is the ability to feel. The ability to feel, like the ability to think, is universal to humanity. Unfortunately, the abuser is generally unwilling to accept his feelings and unwilling to reveal them to a partner. He builds a wall between himself and his partner and maintains that distance.

In The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans identifies a number of categories of verbal abuse. Some are obvious, while others are more subtle:

1. Withholding.

Withholding is primarily manifested as a withholding of information and a failure to share thoughts and feelings. A person who withholds information refuses to engage with his or her partner in a healthy relationship. He or she does not share feelings or thoughts. When he or she does share anything, it is purely factual or functional information of the sort their partner could have looked up online, read on his or her Facebook wall, or figured out on their own. Examples of withholding communication that fail to engage the partner include: “The car is almost out of gas”; “The keys are on the table”; and “The show is on now.”

2. Countering.

Countering is a tendency to be argumentative—not merely in political, philosophical, or scientific contexts but in ordinary contexts as well. The victim of the abuse may share her positive feelings about a movie she just saw, and the abuser may then attempt to convince her that her feelings are wrong. This is countering, or dismissing the victim’s feelings, thoughts, and experiences on a regular basis.

3. Discounting.

Discounting is an attempt to deny that the victim of the abuse has any right to his or her thoughts or feelings. It may come out as criticism—but criticism of a particular kind. The abuser may tell the victim on a regular basis that he or she is too sensitive, too childish, has no sense of humor, or tends to make a big deal out of nothing. The abuser thereby denies the victim’s inner reality, indirectly telling a partner that how they feel and what they experience are wrong.

4. Verbal abuse disguised as jokes.

The abuser may say something very upsetting to the victim of the abuse and, after seeing her reaction add, “It was just a joke!” Abuse is not OK in any form; jokes that hurt are abusive.

5. Blocking and diverting.

Blocking and diverting is a form of withholding in which the abuser decides which topics are “good” conversation topics. An abuser practicing this form of abuse may tell the victim that she is talking out of turn or is complaining too much.

6. Accusing and blaming.

In these forms of abuse the abuser will accuse the victim of things that are outside of his or her control. He or she might accuse a partner of preventing them from getting a promotion because the partner is overweight, or ruining his or her reputation because the partner dropped out of college.

7. Judging and criticizing.

Judging and criticizing is similar to accusing and blaming but also involves a negative evaluation of the partner. As Evans points out, “Most ‘you’ statements are judgmental, critical, and abusive.” Some abusive judging and criticizing “you” statements are: “You are never satisfied”; “You always find something to be upset about”; and “No one likes you because you are so negative.”

8. Trivializing.

Trivializing is a form of verbal abuse that makes most things the victim of the abuse does or wants to do seem insignificant. The abuser might undermine his or her work, style of dressing, or choice of food.

9. Undermining.

Undermining is similar to trivializing, which consists of undermining everything the victim says or suggests, or making her question herself and her own opinions and interests.

10. Threatening.

Threatening is a common form of verbal abuse and can be very explicit, such as, “If you don’t start doing what I say, I will leave you.” Or it can be more subtle, such as, “If you don’t follow my advice, others will find out that you are a very unreliable person.”

11. Name calling.

Name calling can be explicit or subtle. Explicit name-calling can consist in calling the victim of the abuse a “bitch” or other hurtful words. But it can also be more subtle, such as when someone says things that are implicitly hurtful, for instance, “You are such a victim,” or “You think you are so precious, don’t you?”

12. Forgetting.

The category of forgetting covers a range of issues ranging from forgetting a promise to forgetting a date or an appointment. Even if the abuser really forgot, it is still abuse, because he ought to have made an effort to remember.

13. Ordering.

Any form of ordering or demanding is a form of verbal abuse. It falls under the general issue of control. (Insert from Berit Brogaard: See my previous post about controlling people.)

14. Denial.

Denial is abusive when it consists of denying one’s bad behavior and failing to realize the consequences of this behavior. An abuser will always try to find a way to justify and rationalize his behavior. This is a way of denying that he has done anything wrong.

15. Abusive anger.

Any form of yelling and screaming, particularly out of context. Even yelling “Shut up!” is abusive. No one deserves to be yelled at.

Reference

Evans, Patricia (2009). The Verbally Abusive Relationship (pp. 84-85). Adams Media. Kindle Edition.

Berit “Brit” Brogaard is the author of On Romantic Love

Back to my own writing: I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT!!! I have done this job for a year and 2 days. It is autumn now and today the sun is out, another moment it rains like crazy. This sort of sums up my mood but I have seen several rainbows today and that is GOOD! I am trying to be aware of the swings I make, so I try to be a witness to what is happening instead of being thrown all over the place by my emotions. I like it. This is what I need more of, this is what I want to be able to do so awareness is what I need to practise.

A woman who loves herself would love herself. 🙂 ❤ What I am fighting with currently is that something within me says that I need time to process what has happened but that would be the old Feeling. I think I would feel way better if I make this day,  every moment of the day the beginning of my new life. 🙂 I worked till the last day of my notice so I did not ow her anything. HR offered me paid leave, I refused. I actually even took some time off to see a doctor and to attend a funeral. All of that could have been paid with me not working. I did not. Now I am free. I need to behave as such. And I will! Nature is showing me the rainbows!! Who am I to sulk? I AM FREE!!!!

This, but with less tension in the shoulders and hopefully a little more regard for the rest of the world. 🙂

Wishing you a beautiful sober day!

xx, Feeling

World coming down

In short: Friday I will hand in (mail) my resignation and the tax office wants to audit me from 2015 back to 2010. How funny is that for somebody who can’t even open a letter? Well, I guess that is how karma works; life gets thrown at me until I deal. Not dealing? Throwing continues.

I am happy that I quit. I am also very sad. Not sure why. Because I feel like I can’t deal. Like I am not worth ‘it’, whatever that might mean. I find life too difficult sometimes. Now is one of those moments. I did call my SIL and she got some really great advise on trying to get the tax situation clear by asking questions. Hey!!! 😀 I would like to think I could have worked that one out myself but…. no. 🙂 Not now with my head, heart and body in stress. Last night I woke up with pain in my chest. Sometimes I can’t breathe well. I wish I would know what the heck I’m doing this all for. And then again: all I need to do is to get and stay clear and I guess working through this is part of that. 🙂 And in the end; take it one step further and un-mess my life. This is all just the result of not taking good care. And that is how Life is: if I do not set boundaries the outside world will do that for me. That is what happens when one drinks too much, that is what happens if one sits on one’s ass and lives without purpose and only reactive.

I’m off to bed. Very much in need of some good sleep. 🙂

I wish you all a good day/night.

xx, Feeling

 

Rehab

So, singing lessons…. Guess what we got the first lesson? Ghegheghe…. Yes; Rehab… This is so, so, so dunno, strange? Of all the songes in the world. 🙂 Obviously the frequency of addiction is still strong in my life.

Further: I decided to quit over the work issue of last Friday where my boss treated me like shit again, made fun of the arrangement we had in which she promised not to be demeaning. Obviously, being her she made fun in a demeaning way. I’m out. Can’t deal anymore. And I do not want to deal with it anymore. I could not stand the idea that I would possibly be there another 2 months. However, she’s on holiday again so I will be quitting by e-mail this Friday the 30th. My letter will include that I do not want to leave but have to because her treatment of me is bad for me. I am as for now, planning to send out the documented story to HR after I leave.

Nice guy asked how I was doing. I said I was going to quit. He changed colour and then spoke with his colleagues immediately. Not sure this is what I would have wanted but it was out in seconds. He seemed very upset, could not stabilize his emotions. The not nice guy then replied; “Well, there’s 10 others who can replace you.” Which was countered by the nice guy as: “Yes, that is the problem, that means 9 extra salaries.” Others agreed. So I guess, if I want a certificate I can get it from them. 🙂

So, not sure what the future will bring. And notwithstanding all the nice sentiments from my colleagues, I feel very lonely. Again I am leaving. I always seem to be leaving, never arriving. It is like in my dreams where everybody has somebody but I always walk alone. Disconnected. Typical addict trait. :-/

I am however… very happy that I quit. I would be in shambles if I had not.

What would a woman who loves herself do? Aah, she would clean the mess in the house because hiding in the mess is keeping my thinking from clearing up.

On chocolate: I did not manage to stay chocolate free. Then I thought; I can have half a bar (50 grams) each weekend day. Then Monday happened and I did not manage to stay away from another half and now it is Tuesday and I am trying to forget this whole quitting thing ever happened but still quite content with ‘only’ half a bar. I notice that half a bar does not throw me off my game as much as a full bar. It is nice to actually immediately notice the difference. Which makes me happy that I quit otherwise I would not have noticed this. That is the only progress. Otherwise it is just a repetition of quitting drinking. Trying to moderate, moderation not working, feeling bad, using more because of feeling bad etcetera etcetera. We have all been there. Or are still. Damn that was nasty. Yuck. Not good for the soul. Or the body.

I am sooo happy that I quit. 🙂 My life is not well, manageable? Would that be the word? Not sure. Not sure if I just had bad luck with the boss or that I am accountable for the mess. I have no clue. I still tend to think: if she is nasty towards me, I must be somehow wrong. Have been all my life so why not now? But no matter if it is me or the boss, our relation is destructive and like booze, I need to quit otherwise my blood pressure will sear to heights which make my blood vessels pop. Don’t want that. A friend asked me what kept me in that place. I commented that I think there is a learning experience in standing up against the bullying. She asked: can you change your need for a learning experience from ‘need to deal with negativity’ to ‘I would like to be able to look for positivity’? Woah! That would be a NEW concept. It is so new that I can not comprehend it yet. A place where I would be accepted and appreciated. That would be nice. I guess that whole concept can only exist when it is starting to exist within me. 🙂 Happy that I quit. Hope I can work this issue out. I want to belong somewhere in they way that I am. Not be cast out or hurt when I am me. Patterns and repeating karma patterns. Not sure how to deal. Well, time will tell.

Wishing you a nice day/evening!

xx, Feeling

Lesigh, karma overrunning darma

A few days ago I commented on a (wonderful post) of Abbie in, what now, when looking back, looks like a mood of sheer frustration from my side; running up the walls. I am sorry Abbie. 😦 I should not have poured my desperation onto your blog. 😦

Also: is there anybody who can, from the outside, give me their view of what is going on in this reply? What do you think where I go off track because, frankly, when reading this back to me it seems like I am desperate and drunk. Obviously I am desperate, obviously I am not drunk. I did have a whole lot of sugar that day. Lately I feel I do not make any progress, actually, I feel like I have been stuck in resentment (YES! THAT is the word/emotion) against my boss (is that how to use the word in a sentence?). It is frustrating. I thought I was doing well, and then suddenly I find myself at a place where I have derailed and (again 😦 ) spilled my negative energy into a comment.

Now I come back to the ‘suddenly’ because I think I am lying to myself there. I think my use of sugar has replaced the use of alcohol. I come home and I binge on chocolate. 1 Bar of 100 grams, 72% dark eco chocolate and maximum 20 dates. For my system that is way too much. It numbs me. The way I use it is how I used alcohol. (You can wonder about the words there, I am not sure if I used alcohol or alcohol used me, or possibly both are true.)

My blood pressure is sky high, obviously also due to the tension at work and because I do not react to the signs of my body. Whenever I get home I do not want to ‘be aware’ anymore. I want to numb out. I still think that being aware of what is going on is ‘too difficult’. Apart from being happy that I quit, lately I find life very difficult again – not the sober part, that is ok. When I read other peoples posts I think: what is wrong with me? Why are all these people so runny, cake baky, meditationary, yoga-y? Why do I not ‘cope’? Is it because I have to do everything by myself? As in, not being in an intimate relation and not having parents? Is it because I don’t do AA and therefore miss out on development? (I still think I need to settle down in my aversion against religious approaches, even in texts. I have been religiously pounded on the head with not being good enough to live, anger flares up whenever I have to ‘as we understood Him’. To me it feels like an exact repetition of my teenage life where my autistic and fanatically religious father tried to scare, shame and bully me into submission. I think to know it is different, it is ‘just’ that any reference pushes my buttons. It is getting less so I’ll get there one day. 🙂 The ‘we accept that we are powerless’ does not really go down well. 😦 Ooh, for those who wonder: I think to know I am powerless over alcohol when it gets into my body. Which is why I use the power that I have to choose not to drink it and I am very happy I quit.)

This is my comment to Abbie’s post. Please let me have your thoughts.

It is not without frustration that I write this and I hope you can read through that and maybe find time to answer the question at the end of this comment.

What I find difficult in this approach to un-addicting or reversing the process of the addictive personality is that nobody is able to tell me HOW to make a change. Changes made ‘over the rational’ do not last long in my experience/life. ‘Just do it’ does not cut it for me. I quit drinking, that went down in a sort of ‘just do it’ way. But all the other stuff? Well, today I posted 3 posts.
1 On how I am doing after clashing with my boss.
2 On how people who are all in control would react to it and
3: The final post of a vid which FINALLY, after 10 months, made me understand the dynamics of the relation with my boss and how it had come about. And with that I understood this aspect from almost all the other relations I had, those with my parents, those with partners or bosses. The aspect of the intermitted reinforcement / codepency became so very clear.

For the post of how to react to bosses when you are in control: I am not there yet. And I actually think when somebody is so much aware of the things going on and so much control of their own reactions, they would probably not even start working for a boss like that.

All the lists of how to on WordPress, by professionals, on Facebook by (non) professionals do not influence me other than making me feel inadequate and, well, actually (yeah yeah, I let them) disable me. Unless I understand, figure out how things work, how I am feeling wise / emotionally attached to the situation with my boss (preferring abusive relations/addicted to intermitted reinforcement/double bind) I seem to have no entry at all. (Can anybody please please please tell me) How (on earth!) other people learn? (In between their running, yoga, high end jobs, family, relations, saving the world, holidays, cake baking, volunteering?)😦 I am at loss.😦 Even though my life is not easy I think I am exactly on the path where I should be, out of the 20 something people I knew I started with blogging at the same time, I and another person are the only ones continuously sober so there is something going well.) It is just that these lists, the how to’s which I can not get/grab/apply, they get to me.😦
xx, Feeling

I am happy that I quit. Happy that you (are trying to?) quit. ❤

A woman who loves herself should, possibly, reread the text and edit it so she will not be embarrassed by it the day after. [Insert foul language] This is how slow my learning goes. It takes me more than to years to come to a point where I find it important for self-protection to reread a post and possibly edit it. Well, I did choose to do it all organically, biologically, see where Life takes me. But by now I feel I want more control. But I do not want to do the work. I feel like I have done enough actually. Ooooh, ouch. I feel like I have become sober and Life punished me with this sadistic dragon of a boss which I have to fight in order to survive. Today I heard that last week she send a VERY PRETTY new girl from HQ through the workspace just in order to get her ogled at, yelled at and whistled at by the guys. This was AFTER I spoke with her on sexual intimidation. WAR IS ON. The guys recognised the game and not one shit was given that day. Ghegheghe. The contract of her main business friend is not being continued. He drinks like a fish. Turns totally purple in every move and fights his way through the company. I just hope this helps her lose ground at HQ. Mean? Yes. Resentment? Yes. Hoping for revenge? Yes. Getting a life? Nope…. 😦 Learning to let go? No. Putting energy in my own life? No. Sigh. It is not easy. Ooh. Watch the vid from Teal from my last post again. 🙂

Please let me have your wisest/most angry/funniest/most informative comments to my state of mind/being in ‘recovery’. :-/ I try to unaddict. I want to become clear. I tend to forget that. I tend to fogg up with BS because I am rather lost than clear. Clear hurts. Feeling things clearly hurts. So much pain I can not handle. This is how I view life now. Guess I have viewed it differently but I can not remember. And then again: is it all mine? Nope, I don’t think so. I think I carry a truckload of pain from my parents, about my parents, about their abusive relationship, about how this made me feel, about how I feel I need(ed) to protect my mother, and my father and my brother from everything going on. The fights, the anger, a house full of hatred, resentment, bitterness and despise. Not a good environment to grow up in. The goooooooood thing about not having parents is that hahaha, I do not have to drag this misery along. I still do. Maybe I should not.

I think I have difficulty differentiation between me and the other. Looking forward to the medical intuition summit (see former post). Hope to find some answers to the funny skills I have there. 🙂 Not looking forward to it in a happy way. I have not felt happy for a long time, just relieved. I guess that is it: I am not happy that I quit, I am relieved that I quit. That is different. I need to get the happy back. 🙂 Shake off the unnecessary stuff. 🙂

Hope you are having a good day/night. Remember that even though life might get tough so here and there, it is infinitely better than self destructing by drinking and drugging.

xx, Feeling

Bewaren

But this is how I understand how it works

The former post ‘This is how I should have done it :-)’ is about the logical approach to the boss/work issue. If I had any control left I might have taken that approach. However, the below vid from Teal Swan on intermittent reinforcement explains to me exactly the DYNAMICS of the relationship with my boss and why I did not leave IMMEDIATELY when she said something like ‘Well, I usually give, well, anybody a chance at this so why not you.’ in the job interview.

This vid explains my relationship with my boss, well, frankly with any man in my life too. 😦 Now I understand how she does it. How I react, how wrong it is. Why it eats at me.

If ever you wonder why you can’t say NO to somebody, or why I did not do so earlier at my work ;-); here is the answer.

What would a woman who loves herself do? Watch Iron Man, get to be early. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Since I quit drinking information like this just pops up to help me along.

Hope you enjoy Teals work. 🙂

xx, Feeling

Dust settling and the function of dust

Came home from work today. Boss is on holiday for a week. This brings rest to the workplace but also a lot of disorganisation which, now I have my head cleared of my fear for her, becomes very obvious. It is irritating. Funny thing is that I immediately assume her role and start to organise the process. Not sure that I like this trait in me.

So, been a busy day, came home and I realised that  for me the work issue dust had settled. loneliness hit me like a, what, wrecking ball? So, is this what problems do for me?  “You take us away from the squalor of the real world”. I have, in my life, wondered about the function that stress has in my life. I really never do without so I wonder if I can. I, well, actually I think I am addicted to stress. Hmmm, that is as far as I would like to go now feeling/thinking wise. Ooh well, there is this: I think there is something in me which drives me to difficult situations where I recreate oppression and fighting. I think my usual recreation was fighting and losing and now I tried fighting and actually keeping my ground. NEW. 🙂 When writing this it feels like it is connected to my birth pattern where I was stuck for a long time in the first clinical stage of delivery. And then actually retracted from this position (medically impossible they say, but it happened) turned from a face-up delivery position to a normal face down position and got propelled out in 3 consecutive contractions. I have not given birth but I would assume this is not a nice way to ‘break in’ a birth canal. 😦 The idea with the being stuck in the phase 1 (BPM 2) that is imprinted in the person is ‘no way out’. I feel I have that. Always. Only an act of extreme power, like threatening death and destruction can get me into motion (BPM 3)  So if I get stuck I suddenly do something drastic, a life or death thing, and I ‘walk free’.

This is how I quit drinking. It will sound overly dramatic, I am not in short supply when it comes to drama, but I actually thought there could be a possibility that I die from delirium tremens. Not sure if that is logical at all, somewhere on the net there is this sentence which says ‘DT typically blabablbabla with alcoholics who drink 6 pints or more a day’. So, it was obvious I was going to die. Did not. Or maybe I did and all this is purgatory, heaven or hell. Who knows. Drama. Living on it. Feeding on it.

My nice female colleague is having troubles with the not so nice female collegue. I don’t like the not so nice girl either but boss told us to get along so I do. And otherwise the workfloor gets really yucky. My nice collegue has been screwed over Big Time by the not so nice collegue. If I were not in the situation I am in I would have intervened. Also: the running gag is that the nice guy and I are in love and the not so nice girl is after the nice guy. So whatever I say about the not so nice girl is being picked up as jealousy. Sometimes it is: we work our ass of and she gets away with just showing hers. She is the one who hides in the corner in order to be invisible and therefore ‘make more hours’. 😦

Well, long boring story longer: my nice female colleague is pissed. And walking a very dark path where she is almost continuously angry for weeks now. Everything that happens adds to her being pissed. No matter what I say, not matter how and how long I listen to her and try to help her sort her emotions; she is hell-bent on anger. What an eye opener.

My therapist said that if I thought I should learn to live with the situation at work and be at peace with it I should let go of the feeling of righteousness I have about what the boss does. I get stuck on ‘she is wrong, she is wrong so I am right.’ I see my colleague doing that now and it really is an eye opener. 🙂 I’m going to see if I can find an opening in her drama so she can let some steam off and maybe look at things in such a way that she does not have to go all destructive. Caution thought. Projections ahead. 😀

Above is what I wrote yesterday. Today, weekend day off I realise that I have been very much caught up in the boss-work-destruction drama for the last, what, 6 months? I noticed the last month that there were very few deep developments and very few NEW! statements in my blogs. Today I feel free again for the first time. OBVIOUSLY I need to put a damper on that freedom again by noticing how stupid I have been behaving ‘that I did not really see this before

Years ago I had a dream where I had born myself, so was pregnant and the baby was me too. 🙂 The dream ended with a vision of me walking about as a toddler where I had little black and white blocks in my body and whenever I stumbled these blocks would unailing immediately and disturb me very much. Today I thought: THAT IS ME! I AM THAT! I lose my balance so easily and while I was thinking that I am a sissy and not worth living in this world I realised that this ‘skill’ actually is a skill. That I, because of the balance thingy I have known VERY WELL what is evil and what not, where my boss goes of track attacking and degrading me and where she is a boss giving what feels good and sustainable and what not; what will make me drink and what not. Again: feeling my way back into life. I still really like that name. Using what I am best and worse at to live. 🙂

I wrote the above 20 minutes ago. Nah, I wish, I wrote it more than half an hour ago. In between I did useless things on Facebook which I can not even remember now. I need to get out of this addictive patterns. I’m going to clean the house. I will turn off the computer.

Add in: I once asked the ayahuasca spirit what I need to do with my life and she said; “The only thing you need to do is to become clear.” I took that as in: quit drinking. Then I quit drinking and I realised that I have an addictive personality so now I am trying to unraffle that. It is not going very quickly, gheghe, but the intent is there and I see light at the end of the tunnel ever so now and then. Which, gheghe, is so scary to me/the addict within (?) that I do step back in the dark quickly.

A woman who loves herself would step it up to really start making some differences in her life. This has been going on long enough. I am now free of worries weighing my down, I should use that freedom.

I am soooo happy that I quit. First: if I had not quit I would not be alive today. Not that I have been enjoying being alive very much lately but I do not think it is/was my goal to die  in the past years. And really, when all motivation fails me; the thought of having to do any of this over again in another reincarnation, pfff, no no no no no no NOOOOOO! 🙂 Secondly: I feel that with quitting I opened a door which was always closed. Like described in the birth pattern: the ‘thought behind’ my life is a continuous experience of being stuck and oppressed and me having to fight my way out or die. Quitting made it possible for me to experience an opening in that darkness which was mild and caring, not dark and fighting. Even though I do remember quitting as a do or die decision which, by the way, made it almost extraordinary easy for me to quit = nice! How darkness leads to light. Hmmm. Don’t wanna think anymore. Need to do and forget, let go, relax. Not everything is war. I am becoming sick and tired of the darkness that I look for / is engrained / I look for / is engrained / I look for.

Wishing you a nice sober day!

xx, Feeling