3 years!

3 Years ago today was my first sober day in at least a year. Now reading my first blog post on this blog ever. Amazing to read that I was so proud of having quit: “I did it! I did it! I stopped!” As if it was an event. 🙂 Well, I guess at that moment it was. I thought I just had to stop drinking. Which, in itself, in all its simplicity is true.

It took me a while to find out that there was more to it than that. 🙂 All in due time. Baby steps.

Thank you all for reading this blog. Things have been easy and difficult. I know for sure that I would not have made it to 3 years without your support. With reading about your ups and downs, about how you deal with that, what the traps are, how to prevent them. I learned a lot. Mostly, I guess, I learned that sobriety is a process, not an event. (If I may quote Robert on that.)

I have all kinds of thoughts about how my next year will be but I refrain from speaking about that since I have learned that changing habits is difficult.

I am happy that I quit. I can say that and all the cells in my body are singing. Being happy that I quit has for me proven to be quite a good practices. Whenever I close a post, whenever I remember to think about the subject, I try to come to a spot where I am happy that I quit. When I am happy that I quit, I am strong against drink thoughts and other nastiness. When I would be unhappy the idea of ‘might as well drink since life is shit anyway’ pops up. That is a trap. There are many traps out there. Being happy that I quit steers me away from most – makes that I do not even have drink thoughts. The realisation that anything that tells me to drink comes from the addict within is another one. Whatever it takes (to not drink) is what it takes. 🙂

And if I am not happy that I quit I have the opportunity to work on it till I am happy that I quit. I have not drunk since the 25 of August 2014, I hope I never will. I hope so mostly because I do not want to be enslaved. And by now I think addiction is a spiritual misunderstanding which I have used to not take responsibility for myself. As it worked itself out: I could not at the time and addiction to anything ‘helped’. I know I have been born with an adversity against living life to the fullest, still, there is this voice saying ‘I would rather not be here.’ In real life this expressed itself as a newborn who screamed at the top of her lungs with RAGE within seconds of being propelled into this world.  Maybe that is a good theme for this year: incarnating in this life.

I know I came into this well, personality / life, with little foundation on which I can build responsibility, and I have the gene and the physical issue with sugar sensitivity, and blablabla…. But there is no problem that does not get worst with drinking so I’d better not. I have little control over alcohol and myself when it is in my body. But I do when it is outside of my body and that is where I need to exercise my responsibility.

This week I have had a holiday and I have done next to nothing and worked myself through enjoying that. I notice that I criticise EVERY MOVE I MAKE. So there’s some work to do. Secretly (?) I am playing with the thought of seeing if I can get a sponsor but immediately all these ideas about ‘how she should be’ pop up and they are not respectful. So I guess I need to work through that before I engage. Prejudice.

Feeling my way back into life has proven succesful to my process 😀 of not drinking. The idea was that I have been avoiding emotions by drinking so if I do the opposite I am walking the straightest line away from where I was. That is true-ish, ok, true-ish-like. By now I am starting to see that being thrown about by emotions is not the most handy way of living. Separating my awareness from what the body and emotions throw at me gives more peace. But then I would be aware and that, is still pretty scary. Maybe it were not the emotions I was scared of but the awareness. Awareness might actually have to do with being responsible while emotions happen. Hmmm. Food for thought. Not taking responsibility for emotions, that is IN the situation, but being aware, there is a separation between the ‘physical’ emotion and the awareness of it.

Funny this aversion against awareness. While I know, when I take the time, I really appreciate it.  Food for thought. I guess the activity of my job takes me to other places a lot. Difficult to come down from that energy into rest. And…. I have not really needed it. I ‘get by’ so to say. I am aware that I am not shaping my life, that it is sort of happening to me and that I a am reactive in it. I am guessing that this will last untill I am done with it. Or relapse. That would be a possibility too. I am very well aware that I am, and have been, on a path where I do not really choose. And if I do not choose, life chooses for me. To really choose, would mean that I would really want to be here. I guess the thing to sort out is why I do not. This was ment to be an upbeat celebratory post… chips, did not happen. 😀 Ghegheghe…. 🙂

So… 3 year present(s)? I did, I got myself a slowjuicer because I still do not eat my leafy greens – I don’t like the feel in my mouth, I like heavy vegetables like green beans and courgette, not the leavy greens. And since at work we often have a lot of those left-over from lunch I can take those home. 🙂 And OBVIOUSLY I got myself some books. And 17 boxes of tea. And some special cheeses. Tomorrow I’m off to the sauna. Oh yeah, got myself a new bathrobe too. Haven not been a whole long time. So I should be off to bed otherwise I will waste tomorrow morning in bed.

Wishing you a nice sober evening/day/weekend. I am HAPPY that I quit. I hope you are happy that you quit too. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would go to bed. Now. 🙂 This is my first post 🙂

Day 3

Hello, bloggers, readers, I’m new and out here, now. This is the third day after what was hopefully my last drink and I decided not to lurk around your blogs anymore. Belle, special thanks for the word ‘lurking’ :-D.

I worked myself through the first 60 hours of detox without withdrawal symptoms while quitting from about 12 glasses an evening 7*7 for a year and about 6-10 the 10 years before that. Hurray for the lack of withdrawal symptoms!

After I decided to stop, someday, sometime, fear of a Delirium Tremens was ‘what kept me drinking’. Or in other words, I placed the fear of a new, sober situation on the idea that I was going to have a DT and end up in the hospital, most possibly sweating, crying, undressed and with puke in my hair. It did not happen. I still have 12 hours to go to the 72 hour limit and I guess I’m going to make that just fine DT wise.

I was high on happy hormones this morning – those are normally depressed by booze and without booze come flooding through my body. Now utterly tired but I want to shout out to the world that I did it! I did it!!!! I stopped.

2 Nights, no drinking. It was actually easy, did sleep a lot, did keep a watchful eye on me the rest of the time. But according to Jason Vale’s book I could start right after the last drink to enjoy my freedom and happiness and celebrate with a glass of, ooh no.  So I’ll just do that, just be happy.

Pretty sure this is my first pink cloud and the traps are digging themselves eagerly everywhere around me, I’ll see, you’ll hear. Gonna lay down now, breathe, feel my way through.

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Assumptions

Watching a kids TV show and it warns witches for keeping control of themselves otherwise they can not control their magic. Which (witch?) set me off to wonder about my own assumptions.

I assume that I will never fit in, will always be the odd one out.
I assume that nobody will ever really like me.
I assume that I will always have to fight for a job.
I assume that I will die of a horrible disease at young age.
I assume that I will never have a partner who really cares about me.
I assume that I am batshit crazy but have learned to act ‘reasonably’ normal.
I assume that I will never find my true calling.
I assume that somebody finds this blogs and outs me in my professional life.
I assume that friends are only friends untill they really get to know me.

Of the above never finding my true calling is the worst by the way. I have built pretty steep fences around my heart against the rest.

Due to all this assumptions I think I never really try. I don’t try to be nice, be careful, I don’t lose weight because, well, because.

I am happy that I quit but in real life it often doesn’t matter to me and I would prefer to not have to live the life I have. Not to be who I am.

The other day a person I hold dear told me he did not really need to be alive. That really hit my heart because of the casual way he said it in combination with the quick check back to me to see how I would react. Somehow it suddenly really gets to me. Not sure what happened between this afternoon and now. I suddenly just have the feeling that it doesn’t matter and I am not going to go places anyway.

I have posted this before, but I guess it is time again:

 

Maybe the upcoming 3 years of not drinking bugs me. I though, hoped I would have been ‘further’ ahead. Like ‘have lost weight’, ‘be more sensible’, have my finances in order (which by the way, I almost have), be more compassionate, carry (and transfer) less shame, have read more books. Well, have worked it out all. But I notice that in between writing posts, working and 1 or 2 social things a week I do not ‘improve’ a lot if you will.

Guess I need to really start doing stuff, make it happen. Netflixing is taking its toll. I have learned from sobriety (just to get it be quoted back to me today here online 😉 ):

If you do what you did, you get what you got.

I guess I myself need to change things if I want things differently. I do not want to hold on to this old believes of being unloveable and weird. I do not want to make those into my trademark even.

I am happy that I quit, again is a sort of obliged way but I am happy that I quit because I would not have been able to see that these believes, these assumptions limit me. Well, maybe I am really unloveable, I do not believe in unconditional love anyhow (unless we all suddenly got enlightened…) but I don’t really really think so. BS. I do, but I calculate that this is not true.

Took some Schuessler salts, gheghe, most of them actually. 😉 I can breathe again! Throat infection gone-ish, sinuses back to unswollen position. Face looks funny though because I decided to

The other day I dreamed that I had signed up to do a personal transformation course and we had to walk up a really steep mountain of which all the steps looked totally different. I thought: “It is really, really important to take the time to do this. The goal is not to reach the top, the goal is to look at each step, to take it in and transfer the knowledge which is in it.” At the top was Buddha waiting for us disguised as a monk. He was young but way way older than I. He and I had some wordless communication. I woke up wondering  “I know it is true but why are the steps so important?”

Denial is BIG ;-).

It is time to go to bed. If I do what I did, I get what I got; restlessness. I know this can turn around even with a few days of really doing things. Does not have to be big. Cooking, taking care of me, cleaning, being consciousness, reading.

Thank you for reading. I’m fine-ish. Guess I have to learn to take the next step and not wait my life out.  I am happy that I quit. Every day of not drinking takes me one step further away from the abyss – and no matter, even if I do not ‘improve’ like crazy, I still practise sober time. And well, time will bring the answers. Either I get bored with me or the world does and in both cases I have to change my tune. 🙂

I am happy that I go to bed now. Bed = good.

xx, Feeling

On menstruation and periods – Teal Swan

Hello,

I found this a video worth sharing. Due to the ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ and hygiene you will not find me donating my menstruation blood to a vegetable garden but all other I am quite ok with. 🙂 But most of all she verbs what I have been searching for all my life: the idea behind menstruation and internal energy. And I know for a personal fact that getting moon ‘light’ actually changes stuff internally.

Teal Swan is an acquired taste but I like her very much for what I have seen of her. She is the woman who invented ‘What would a woman who loves herself do.’ So how could I not like her?

If you have difficulty watching her, what I had the first time I saw her, try to see if the way she shaped her eyebrows bothers you. They are (sorry, seem to be) not congruent with her, (to me) that is misleading. Not sure if it is on purpose or a left over of her modelling times.

Whatever. She has a way of wording things which I like and I hold her in high regard for finding her way in this world.

Hope it brings you something. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Wow! I see on the calender that it is the 25th again so counting back I am 2 years and 10 months sober.

A woman who loves herself would put on socks (still an issue) and she would work out how to quit binge eating. I am getting out of control. Saw some photo’s of me and I have gone too far. I weigh 82 kilo’s again at length 1.65 so that is too much. I have weighed 48 at this length too. Which obviously was too little but just to show it it possible too without falling apart. I always seem to weigh at least 15 kilo more on a photo than I think I weigh. 🙂 I seriously think I have reversed body-dysmorphia. 🙂 Which is a BS description of it because the term itself says dysmorphia so there is no forward or reversed version of it but I guess you know what I mean: I think I am fabulous but as a matter of fact I am pretty overweight.

Note: from here on I move over to rambling, not writing. Wanna let the darkness out, see what it does. See what I do when I let go. Discover my intentions.

My food has gone out of control because my joblife has been too taxing in the last year. It is about this time last year that I had the concussion and that my former boss started getting downright nasty. I have been in stress about work ever since. I make about twice as much money now which makes it easier not to have financial stress. That is good.

What it comes down to is that I have an addictive personality; I want out but take the wrong way. I want to not feel, and I mistreat my body with sugar to stay quiet. I am waiting for some insight to change all this. Like with alcohol; in hindsight I did not have to do a lot for that, I just read a book, did some online training and quit on the insight that alcohol is bad (mkay?).

I feel that all my determination is reserved for not drinking, that I can not do anything else with the same resolve, not even working. And in between I keep on gathering information to answer all the 10.001 questions I have about life and work and I do not read more that 10 – 20 pages of one book. Can’t focus, don’t want to be still. Monkey brain running. At work I can better, but sometimes not either. I’m gonna take my egg-timer to work. I’m gonna use my egg-timer to do anything and remind me of:

  • focus
  • what would a woman who loves herself do?
  • how do I treat my body right now?

That should be enough to ponder on for the oncoming years. 🙂 I noticed in the last months that a women who loves herself would drown herself in chocolate because reality was too difficult. But it is really getting to me now.

I need to change and I seem to not be able to do it. I had added the word ‘alone’ to it and then I deleted that. 😀 Gheghegheghe… still can’t go there.

What do I think I need to lose weight / to stop binge eating chocolate?  (and dates btw)

Edit: the below answer comes from the deep. Maybe it is only today, maybe this is how I think about the world for real. Not sure. Will find out in the future I guess. It is weird. Even for me to ‘hear’ this.

I want the world to be different. Totally. I find this world stupid and it is in the way of what I want. (Whoah! How about talking with the inner demon?). The world frustrates me and is in the way of what I want. Most people are. (WTF?!) I can not let my energy out, everything keeps on getting blocked. I keep on being put on an energetic sidetrack. There is this path and it goes straight from my core to what I am and where I need to be and I keep on getting blocked. I keep on getting side tracked. I keep on side tracking myself. I do not take that road as serious as I now think it is. I keep wasting my time. To walk that road is to walk in my destiny but I do not dare to because the powers there are BIG. Or maybe I just need to  get to the center of the storm.

I have the right to be happy. I have the right to be whole. I have the right to make myself whole. I have the right to be me. I have the right to be me inclusive of all the weirdness that I have, that I am. I do not think I am more weird than other people, I just think other people do not (dare to) know it of themselves. I am brave.

So how come I am so not brave when it comes to food? How come I panick and have difficulty to write about it. Actually I am not writing, I am rambling and seeing what shows up. Letting the tantrum out to see what lies underneath.

I have a feeling overload now and my reaction to it is to go buy stuff. I have long suspected that I have a buy-addiction but I sort of manage it by buying tiny stuff like matches if I do not feel satisfied with the normal groceries. I also buy and collect books. This week was an all times high: I bought a historic book on practices and products which were related to my consultancy job (from 5 year-ish ago) but I would not even have bought then because of no use now to me. I just bought it because it is historic and therefore has value. To someone, somewhere. I just want to have it.

I tend to want to collect information before I act. But I never finish.

My eyes see a card on the wall, it has a text and says: “Whenever you got all your ducks in a row, beware of the domino effect.”  🙂

Ghegheghe, monkey mind taking me away from what was. I was overwhelmed by the megalomanious answer of the what, obstructed toddler in me? Not sure where that answer came from. Feels true 😀 but it is not always around. Going to full rambling now.

I have been thinking that I should re-read ‘Kicking the drink easily’ and put the word ‘sugar’ where it says alcohol. Does sort of the same for me anyhow. I’ve been thinking all kinds of stuff but not wanting to pursue. I do not want to do difficult stuff anymore. I feel I have been doing enough difficult stuff in the last years. But I also feel I am trapping myself in addiction again and again and again. If not with food, it is with Netflixing, if not with Netflixing it is with falling in love with yet another person who does not answer. And most of the time I do all 3 at the same time. Ooh, and I include berating myself. And overfeeling. Feelings are indications. Feelings are tools. Feelings are not meant to blow me away continuously. But I’m not living by that. I let everything happen. I have gon lazy. Or tired. Not sure. Overwhelmed for sure but I am not picking it back up. My boss needs me to go pick it back up.

I need me to go pick me back up. I want to live consciously. I do not want to be thrown about by addictive behaviour. I want to continue my path. Not stall in just another chocolaty corner I found to hide in. Another Lala-land, another Candy land.

Afbeeldingsresultaat voor candyland

I believe at one stage in this blog I told you about the Ayahyasca experience I did years ago. While being under the influence of this (natural) drug I had this vision of a city made of man-sized candy. It started of with a kaleidoscope of the brands of Coca-cola and McDonalds and I was SO OFFENDED that this took place in MY head. In hindsight it is pretty cool to realise that the brain can in fact produce a perfect, perfect, moving kaleidoscopic movie of 2 brands both of which I would not be able to draw with my conscious mind but my drug induced brain turned it into perfection. F! I was mad. Obviously both the sugar village and the coke and McD where metaphors for my drinking then. Or possibly my binge eating now. 🙂 When looking at the above picture of sugar land I feel nauseous. And still: that is what I do to myself. Again and again and again.

Gerelateerde afbeelding

And I do not want to wake up. Or possibly I am struggling to wake up. Hmmm,  more like it: I do not want to realise that I am struggling. That would mean that I do not have control. Aah…. haha, trap. Admit that we are powerless. 🙂

As you might know I never did a 12 steps thing. I do find it interesting that a lot of my endeavours entail the same experiences / learning things as a 12 steps process but not necessarily in the same order. When quitting alcohol I had troubles with the admitting that I was powerless over alcohol. I think I am close to realising that now. In order to deal with it I changed it into: “I am powerless when alcohol is in my body which is why I need to make sure that it does not get there.” There is also another trick to that: whenever I keep it out, I do not have to admit that I am in fact powerless. So as a matter of fact it is a pride thing which keeps me sober. 😀 My fear of having to go to AA is and admitting that I am powerless is so big that I stay sober. Ghegheghe, whatever way works. 😀 (But yeah, this attitude does not sound sustainable I would say. Pride and shame never are – but it is not only that, it is also that I want to be done with the moaning and the destruction.)

Yeah, that is it. I want to be done with the moaning. I use moaning, confusion, addiction as means to not be. To not stand in my power. I am afraid of me when clear. I am afraid of really seeing. It is overwhelming. So I sabotage me.  I am done.

Gonna do something with my life. I am sooooo sick of sabotaging me. Blegh. I’m gonna have a shower, put on some socks, do some healthy shopping.

See you later.

I am happy that I quit. And if you are still reading this rambling text (hurrah for your perseverance!) I hope you are happy that you quit too! 🙂 No matter the obstacles I put in my way, it is worth it because now I can learn that I do that. When drinking I did not learn a lot. Not learning is killing. Choosing life is good and it is rewarded. Ha! That makes it easier. Choosing destruction is not so good, and it gets answered too. Which makes it nasty. Which is just a warning. 🙂 That’s how simple it is. I think. Need to go put that into action. 🙂

Thank you for reading. 🙂 Hope it brings you something too. 🙂

xx, Feeling

28 month sober – 1 week new job

Just wanted to post this because it somehow very much reminds me of my life.

Work is good, I am happy that I quit because I could never ever have done this job while drinking. My boss told me yesterday that he was very, very, very happy that he had hired me. I guess that is a compliment which also stretches out to me. 🙂 So that is good.

He has the same name as the nice guy I fell in love with at my former workplace. Sigh. And then the gods started playing with my head by sending in 2 other guys with the same name this week. So every morning I meditate and in that meditation discover if and how I am attached to the nice guy and let it go. In that letting go, which actually looks a LOT like what I did while quitting drinking, I realise that I am alone and can stand on my own two feet. Also: that the sort of addictive way I have in dealing with guys is, well, addictive. It is mist I create to not be clear, a ‘get away’ from what is. And the funny thing is: when I cut all these energetic threads I actually feel better so I do not understand the ‘need’ for it. Apart from me having an addictive personality and having difficulty with being at ease. 😀

So yeah, happy that I quit. Spending Christmas on my own. Need to really take 100% care of me and me said: not going to visit the family because I don’t feel like it and I need all my energy to cope with this new function. It has nothing to do with the function before. I did half a day of production work this week, just to get an idea. The rest was office/procedures/speaking with consultants on the trajectory we’re setting up. Not sure if we will get the certification.

From what I have learned discipline and procedures need to be way tighter than they are in this new factory. Which is why I asked my boss to set out a vacancy to try get two of the employees from my former work in the company. It is a bit tricky: that would be almost half of the former companies staff and the former company is a customer of my current company so… tricky. But then again, these guys have been looking for an opportunity to leave and now it is here. Not sure if they will follow, I have the feeling things have changed there since I left. But is would be good. Would safe me a LOT of work in training and get them the job they were looking for, not sure if they like the colleagues though, the whole company is so diverse that about 20% speaks Dutch, 30% English and the rest something Englishlike or another European language. German I speak, Spanish I can follow to understanding what it is about, Italian a little less but Polish? Pfff…. Not sure if it is going to work, my intentions are not entirely selfish so I feel I am being manipulative so, well, that is never good.

My head/concussion has not been bothering me but I need to really take it easy in the evening, back to having no evening appointments otherwise ‘the light turns off’ in my head. Lucky me: I have flexible working hours! And a day extra to spend because I started working a day before my contract started, and… a 36 hour workweek. So! Hey! I can sort of have 7 hour workdays and that = good for me. Still I have about 4 kilo of certification procedures to read over Christmas, getting paid for it though, not gonna do free overtime for this salary. He’s got my consultancy brain for 500 more than a production worker. Well, I should have stood up when he offhandely offered that. In hindsight it was sooo clear that he was open to negotiating. Ghegheghe…. my head was somewhere else: can I do this job, is it not too early, is it not too difficult? Actually I’m fine with the salary. I also realise that I do have to really keep a tight grip on my priorities and focus otherwise I will drown in the procedures, rules and fear of not being able to do it.

Just now that I am writing it has turned the 25th of December and I am 28 months sober. Happy that I quit. With the meditating I experience a lot of progress again in myself, I needed that, I was getting worried about the lack of clarity I was experiencing, the addictive mind was looking too much for distraction. I meditate till my mind is still and then a little longer. I got into a daily routine, then the job happened and now I need to incorporate this routine in my every days schedule again. Working on it. 🙂

Sending holiday greetings from The Netherlands. I am happy that I quit. I am happy that you quit. If you did not, I would really appreciate if you will consider quitting (again).

Now that I am back in a job which is more at my level I am feeling less ashamed about my drinking and what I ruined with that. Still pissed off about wasting away a lot of money by not working and living of my savings/inheritance. I have difficulty looking that in they eye. 😦 I actually feel I can only be totally cleaned of ‘this’ when I earn back that money. I am thinking this prolonged shame is something which going through the 12 steps might change. But I am not ready to let go, know that too. I feel the shame is some sort of ‘security blanket’ in a negative way. Well, by the time it is time to let go, it will go. 🙂

xx, Feeling

15 Kinds of Verbal Abuse

I wish to share with you this beautifully insightful article of Berit Brogaard D.M.Sci., Ph.D  based on a book of Patricia Evans on verbal abuse. I have put all kinds of links in here as not to be stealing anybodies work.

The article has helped me a lot to get clarity in the extreme stressful work situation I have found myself in the last year. I am SO happy I quit. It has been 2 days and I am slowly finding myself back, whoa… I can not even find words for the relieve I feel and re-reading this article now, while the stressful, damaging work situation is not present anymore helps me to get the situation clear and regroup myself. I feel I have been hiding like a small scared child in a corner, only to come out to scream and cry.

Sobriety is all about what you take in and leave out. Since I could not moderate in what part of her (destructive) communication I let in I needed to leave.

Reading through the list I have memories of the way my parents communicated and how I was brought up. I think, if I want to summarise (is that the word?) the situation of my childhood, of the marriage of my parents, of the family situation I would say that in the basis we lived in a continuous battle with each other. I was once given two questions by my therapist; “If the other exists, can you exist?” and I had to answer “No”. “If you exist, can the other exist?” and the answer was “No.” again. That is how I grew up, thinking that people have to fight continuously for their spot in this world, thinking that if somebody took the right to live, to be, they needed to be taken down because it was seen as a threat. Possibly siblings envy but then on a family scale. The execution of fight-flight-freeze mode in a group. Obviously that does not work in a group when one/people execute this to the max so there was a solution which is called hierarchy. My father was the top-dog and we all had to follow. He overruled and undercut my mother where ever she went only when she did that to herself he would support her and be the nice guy. I followed and supported that behaviour. I am sorry mom, I am so sorry. But why the FUCK DID YOU NOT STAND UP?!! Cut his balls of and shove them down his throat? Why not? (excuse my French)

I guess for the same reason as I let my boss bully me: because you somehow felt you did not have the right to do so. Because I somehow felt I did not have the right to do so. Because of the (family) dynamics we grew up in. Because I agreed with the dynamics at work because the look familiar to me. That is where I blow off steam to the outside world but my inner Feeling is saying: “Aaah, there is me being put down. Wow, that really makes me feel at home. I like it here. :-)” Masochism? Not sure how those dynamics work. She’s a sadist though, I know that. And I did ‘analyse’ the rest of my colleagues and found traits of masochism in all of them. Some of them even literally said: “I like dominant women.” Karma just pulled a joke on me by making the asshole a woman instead of a man. If it would have been a man I would have seen it earlier. 😀

“Karma is a BITCH!”

“Projections, projections.”

Soooo…. verbal abuse, below is the article of PSYCHOLOGY TODAY a site I find very read-worthy.

If we look at verbal abuse as a means of maintaining control and power over someone, we can think of the types of verbal abuse listed and explained in this post as being ways that someone tries to dominate or control their partner.

Does this mean that the abuser actually feels more powerful when he (or she), for instance, subtly puts down his partner’s interests? Yes, as incomprehensible as this is to some of us. Does this mean that their partner feels put down? Not always. He or she may feel a twinge of sadness because they cannot share this interest. Or he or she may feel a twinge of sadness that their partner can’t enjoy, say, a particular artist or composer. Does this mean that the abuser can’t (or doesn’t) enjoy this pleasure? Not always; he or she may simply find greater pleasure in feeling that they have power over their partner.

We will also see that verbal abuse prevents real relationships. This seems obvious, but the partner of an abuser may live under the illusion that he or she has a real relationship. This may be for a number of reasons; an important one is that, as a couple, the abuser and their partner may function adequately in their respective roles. Verbal abusers generally experience many of their feelings as anger. For instance, if a verbal abuser feels unsure and anxious he may simply feel angry—possibly angry that he is feeling unsure and anxious. Yet part of being human is the ability to feel. The ability to feel, like the ability to think, is universal to humanity. Unfortunately, the abuser is generally unwilling to accept his feelings and unwilling to reveal them to a partner. He builds a wall between himself and his partner and maintains that distance.

In The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans identifies a number of categories of verbal abuse. Some are obvious, while others are more subtle:

1. Withholding.

Withholding is primarily manifested as a withholding of information and a failure to share thoughts and feelings. A person who withholds information refuses to engage with his or her partner in a healthy relationship. He or she does not share feelings or thoughts. When he or she does share anything, it is purely factual or functional information of the sort their partner could have looked up online, read on his or her Facebook wall, or figured out on their own. Examples of withholding communication that fail to engage the partner include: “The car is almost out of gas”; “The keys are on the table”; and “The show is on now.”

2. Countering.

Countering is a tendency to be argumentative—not merely in political, philosophical, or scientific contexts but in ordinary contexts as well. The victim of the abuse may share her positive feelings about a movie she just saw, and the abuser may then attempt to convince her that her feelings are wrong. This is countering, or dismissing the victim’s feelings, thoughts, and experiences on a regular basis.

3. Discounting.

Discounting is an attempt to deny that the victim of the abuse has any right to his or her thoughts or feelings. It may come out as criticism—but criticism of a particular kind. The abuser may tell the victim on a regular basis that he or she is too sensitive, too childish, has no sense of humor, or tends to make a big deal out of nothing. The abuser thereby denies the victim’s inner reality, indirectly telling a partner that how they feel and what they experience are wrong.

4. Verbal abuse disguised as jokes.

The abuser may say something very upsetting to the victim of the abuse and, after seeing her reaction add, “It was just a joke!” Abuse is not OK in any form; jokes that hurt are abusive.

5. Blocking and diverting.

Blocking and diverting is a form of withholding in which the abuser decides which topics are “good” conversation topics. An abuser practicing this form of abuse may tell the victim that she is talking out of turn or is complaining too much.

6. Accusing and blaming.

In these forms of abuse the abuser will accuse the victim of things that are outside of his or her control. He or she might accuse a partner of preventing them from getting a promotion because the partner is overweight, or ruining his or her reputation because the partner dropped out of college.

7. Judging and criticizing.

Judging and criticizing is similar to accusing and blaming but also involves a negative evaluation of the partner. As Evans points out, “Most ‘you’ statements are judgmental, critical, and abusive.” Some abusive judging and criticizing “you” statements are: “You are never satisfied”; “You always find something to be upset about”; and “No one likes you because you are so negative.”

8. Trivializing.

Trivializing is a form of verbal abuse that makes most things the victim of the abuse does or wants to do seem insignificant. The abuser might undermine his or her work, style of dressing, or choice of food.

9. Undermining.

Undermining is similar to trivializing, which consists of undermining everything the victim says or suggests, or making her question herself and her own opinions and interests.

10. Threatening.

Threatening is a common form of verbal abuse and can be very explicit, such as, “If you don’t start doing what I say, I will leave you.” Or it can be more subtle, such as, “If you don’t follow my advice, others will find out that you are a very unreliable person.”

11. Name calling.

Name calling can be explicit or subtle. Explicit name-calling can consist in calling the victim of the abuse a “bitch” or other hurtful words. But it can also be more subtle, such as when someone says things that are implicitly hurtful, for instance, “You are such a victim,” or “You think you are so precious, don’t you?”

12. Forgetting.

The category of forgetting covers a range of issues ranging from forgetting a promise to forgetting a date or an appointment. Even if the abuser really forgot, it is still abuse, because he ought to have made an effort to remember.

13. Ordering.

Any form of ordering or demanding is a form of verbal abuse. It falls under the general issue of control. (Insert from Berit Brogaard: See my previous post about controlling people.)

14. Denial.

Denial is abusive when it consists of denying one’s bad behavior and failing to realize the consequences of this behavior. An abuser will always try to find a way to justify and rationalize his behavior. This is a way of denying that he has done anything wrong.

15. Abusive anger.

Any form of yelling and screaming, particularly out of context. Even yelling “Shut up!” is abusive. No one deserves to be yelled at.

Reference

Evans, Patricia (2009). The Verbally Abusive Relationship (pp. 84-85). Adams Media. Kindle Edition.

Berit “Brit” Brogaard is the author of On Romantic Love

Back to my own writing: I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT!!! I have done this job for a year and 2 days. It is autumn now and today the sun is out, another moment it rains like crazy. This sort of sums up my mood but I have seen several rainbows today and that is GOOD! I am trying to be aware of the swings I make, so I try to be a witness to what is happening instead of being thrown all over the place by my emotions. I like it. This is what I need more of, this is what I want to be able to do so awareness is what I need to practise.

A woman who loves herself would love herself. 🙂 ❤ What I am fighting with currently is that something within me says that I need time to process what has happened but that would be the old Feeling. I think I would feel way better if I make this day,  every moment of the day the beginning of my new life. 🙂 I worked till the last day of my notice so I did not ow her anything. HR offered me paid leave, I refused. I actually even took some time off to see a doctor and to attend a funeral. All of that could have been paid with me not working. I did not. Now I am free. I need to behave as such. And I will! Nature is showing me the rainbows!! Who am I to sulk? I AM FREE!!!!

This, but with less tension in the shoulders and hopefully a little more regard for the rest of the world. 🙂

Wishing you a beautiful sober day!

xx, Feeling

World coming down

In short: Friday I will hand in (mail) my resignation and the tax office wants to audit me from 2015 back to 2010. How funny is that for somebody who can’t even open a letter? Well, I guess that is how karma works; life gets thrown at me until I deal. Not dealing? Throwing continues.

I am happy that I quit. I am also very sad. Not sure why. Because I feel like I can’t deal. Like I am not worth ‘it’, whatever that might mean. I find life too difficult sometimes. Now is one of those moments. I did call my SIL and she got some really great advise on trying to get the tax situation clear by asking questions. Hey!!! 😀 I would like to think I could have worked that one out myself but…. no. 🙂 Not now with my head, heart and body in stress. Last night I woke up with pain in my chest. Sometimes I can’t breathe well. I wish I would know what the heck I’m doing this all for. And then again: all I need to do is to get and stay clear and I guess working through this is part of that. 🙂 And in the end; take it one step further and un-mess my life. This is all just the result of not taking good care. And that is how Life is: if I do not set boundaries the outside world will do that for me. That is what happens when one drinks too much, that is what happens if one sits on one’s ass and lives without purpose and only reactive.

I’m off to bed. Very much in need of some good sleep. 🙂

I wish you all a good day/night.

xx, Feeling