Life with a tiny job is NEW! So much NEW, it takes a lot of energy. 🙂 Which, I guess, is the whole idea behind working, possibly…. 🙂 And, wow, wow, wow I realise day in day out, minute, sometimes second in, second out why I drank; everything I used to drink away is crossing my path saying ‘Hi, I am your life’s trouble, your karma, your inability to take life as it comes, your inability to deal with people, your inability to guard yourself, to stand up for yourself, to value yourself. And guess what? I am not going until you deal with it.’ I even dream about stupid issues which need to be solved before I can move on. 😀 Who said repetitive jobs would be boring?!
This post starts off ranting about my boss and I hope it turns into insight in my own behaviour. No promises :-). I think I have again chosen uh, a ‘challenge’. 😀 It somehow feels like I need to deal with my standard reaction of not being good enough every second of the day. I will try to be objective (haha), not point fingers or sulk and tell only what happened and how I feel but no, no promises.
I currently work 3 days including Saturday in a production facility. I do some assembling, a lot of weighing, packing and wet and dry cleaning of machines, tables and floors. It is physically taxing because of the lifting and cleaning – everything is timed and one tiny mistake can lead to loss of goods, damage to bodies, goods or machinery and/or overtime for the whole crew. I find it tough, even though I got the ‘compliment’ of my boss: ‘I’ve seen a lot of women go down in that department but it does not seem to get to you, does it?’ Which, she spoke publicly in the Saturday afternoon drinks get together so that I guess is another compliment. 🙂
I had already told her that I need to start with 3 days, not more because I ‘need to keep my clear head’ but she keeps on pushing me and then ‘taking it back’ by saying: ‘Let me know when you decide to work 4 days.’ Her comment on me ‘not going down’ sort of confirms my feeling of being under constant surveillance and continuously being pushed to do more, lift heavier stuff and work quicker. So we combine well: she does the top dog, I am ready to jump into the under dog position. 😀 Ghegheghe. It is not nice to realise this about myself but very informative. These feelings of inadequacy were feelings I would drink away.
I have not yet learned how to deal with this and it is a CONTINUOUS struggle for me NOT to feel anxious, be scared that she will correct me or yell at me when she is walking around or working in the production area. And no matter what happens on the floor, if it is out of the ordinary I lose focus immediately and my constructing goes wrong or I forget where I am. Compare it to knitting, I forget what row I’m at so I need to feel and check back or weigh stuff. Well, with all of that I am still quicker than the guys who don’t do this regularly so that is ok but still. It feels like I am shaking in my reinforced boots continuously. So yeah, I am getting the NEW life experience I was looking for and hell yeah I’m tired at the end of the day. 🙂
Opposite the expectation that I would be losing weight I have actually gained weight because I eat cantine food and in the evening a quick dinner with a bar of chocolate (100 grams, 72%, eco). Maybe the weight gain is all muscle ;-).
One of the things that bother me is that my boss does not give instructions but does tell people (me!) off when they do something different from how she planed it. I have worked in a production plant before and am used to scrub machines and then hose them down. My colleagues do so when she’s not around. 🙂 So I thought….. lets get da hose and soak da house. NOT! 😀 ‘What do you think you are doing!!! That equipment is NOT made to be soaked!!’ Well, eh…. now is not the moment to tell her that I just copy my co-workers…. 😀 Gheghegheghe….
And with carrying heavy stuff: the girl who got fired seems to have accepted the job and only afterwards tell the people that she is not willing or able to carry stuff. My boss and the whole floor got really frustrated because that meant that everybody was expected to stop their work to help the girl. Which is not possible when you are on a tight schedule. I feel that pressure is on me now. I am being watched like a hawk in lifting and if or not I am asking for favours from the guys. I don’t ask, I sometimes do get them though, which is nice, specifically when it has to do with hot and heavy stuff that is stored above shoulder height. 🙂 So I feel I am sort of being looked after by some of the guys.
On the feeling of being watched like a hawk; that actually popped up in the Saturday after work drink. Somebody commented loosely ‘Yeah, and then this went wrong and I start to look over my shoulder thinking ‘hope she’s not there!’ And my boss laughed her head off and replied ‘Yeah, bwahahaha, well, that’s one of the things I seem to have, this eye for things that go wrong. I mean, the four of you are standing around that machine and I, standing in the OTHER ROOM am the only one who notices something is wrong! Haaahahahaha.’ 🙂 That was an eye-opener for me. I mean, people came up with tiny stories on how they deal with her piercing eyes and ‘everybody’ laughed wholeheartedly. I chuckled along because it was funny and I was relieved to hear that I am not the only one experiencing these laser eyes.
My boss is in continuous fight/flight/freeze mode and her favorite is the fight mode where she literally yells at people to tell them their jobs ending any ‘conversation’ with a derisive remark like ‘or don’t you want to work?!’ And on top of that she is forcefull in asking inappropriate questions about people’s sexlife which is a topic that pops up every so many days.
I do not think she is really racist as but she does say racist things; ‘He’s late for work, he does not answer his phone, no need to fool me! He’s black so I know for sure we won’t see him again at least not today.’ Which…. well, is indeed a racist conviction Dutch and German people tend to have about well, practically any foreigners because ‘we’ are convinced we are the ONLY people in the world who can actually be on time for an appointment. All foreigners can not, blablablablablaaah, the darker the skin, the later they arrive. I realised I live in that conviction too and know it is racist, but it is not nice to hear this actually being spoken out loud about and to a black co-worker.
Btw: I hold a possibly funny view when it comes to racism, I know I am subconsciously racist following the ‘unknown is unloved principle’. But I don’t want to be racist or in any other way discriminating anybody for colour, sexual direction, gender, age and what have you. That is why, in situations I tend to try to keep a check my reactions. Does not always work unfortunately, it is work in progress however. I’ve added in this ad to show you how widespread the idea of the inability to be on time is; so much that people found it ok to turn it into a desirable trait and make the on-time people the laughing-stock. 🙂 Which they did well, ghegheghe… Not sure if this add ran outside The Netherlands. Please let me know when you have seen it. ALERT: it is a booze ad.
So when she left I asked the black colleague: ‘That comment makes me feel very uncomfortable, what is your opinion on it? And he shrugged and said ‘She always says things pretty blunt. That’s just how she is.’ Which… is another way of looking at it. And very NEW!
I’m not sure if I am ok with it though, she is the boss. Does he have a choice to address it? She treats the black guys ok even though there is more stereo typing going on like giving all the black guys a nick-name and the white guys not. Attributing sexual prowess and heightened lust to them is another one of those things I find ‘hmmm….’. The whole company is actually very sexually laden but she seems to be in the middle of it. I am so HAPPY that my hair has gone grey and that feel that gives me a perfect excuse not to partake in this.
And…..sometimes I feel sorry for myself because it also confronts me with what I think I have lost due to alcohol: confidence in my attractiveness and ability to find a partner. I mean, who would want an ex-addict who has got nothing but a renthouse, a possible or not (1st month probation is not over yet) smelly, low paid job, is overweight, grey haired and well, a prickly, stand-offish, black and white reactive character and too much wrongly focussed IQ for most man to actually like :-(? And then I put all these thoughts aside because the only thing I have to do is do my job well and deal with how to do that without damaging myself.
I have difficulty with my boss, and then again: I have enough on my plate as it is and possibly, very likely, I am INTERNALLY exaggerating these negative traits of her to find a power balance. What I write about her is as true as true is, how I deal with it is my own choice. Hahahaha, well, it should be my own choice, I’m not there yet. Friday I called my friends saying I was done and I would be looking for another job. I had promised myself to find another job before I would give up this one but for a few days I was totally convinced I would be leaving.
Saturday worked out to be a nice day and I really got to appreciate my colleagues AND my boss who took some time to tell me about her upcoming holiday in December. The first one in several years of setting up this company (she is not the owner but well, it is A LOT of work). To that she added a few personal troubles as losing her boyfriend and illness in the family which had hit her severely. Pfffff, not easy. 😦 We spoke about her holiday destination and the fact that she is going alone and feels insecure about that. It was a nice conversation. 🙂 So, yeah, there is a totally different side to her. I am glad I got to see that and felt my hostility fade away. She asked me if I could take over some of her tasks during her holiday. Which I guess is a good sign.
This roller coaster of emotions, it is so overwhelming and I am not proud of my reactivity and readiness for war. I am a little proud of the fact that, for the first time in my life I can actually, sometimes, look at it and see how very reactive I am. NEW!!! I mean, as I blogged earlier in the karma in the job: these issues I run into are exactly the issues I have run into all my life so possibly, most likely…. I need to do something with it. 🙂 The only difference with my former nasty bosses is that he is a she now. And maybe this is more clear in my karma story because I attribute the criticism to ‘Mother’. My mother was critical, my internal mother possibly even more so.
So, what, what if I am actually good enough? I cannot carry that feeling yet but it does pop up sometimes as an answer to what I feel and that brings peace. ❤ NEW!!
So, all in all: learning a lot by doing difficult stuff. Tomorrow I’m going to visit my therapist again and getting my vertebra’s realigned again. My arm is much better. It still hurts but continuous movement improves it and obviously the alignment did. Happy :-).
Other subject: I finally, after 2 months and 2 weeks contacted the bookstore man through FB. Wrote him to tell him that I am not not contacting him because I am offended or feeling sorry for myself. But that I feel I did not yet learn what I had to learn from the whole situation. That I would obviously return some books he had borrowed me but that I would appreciate to do that when all the pieces had settled back into their place. I have not had a reaction yet but he generally does not check his FB on Sundays. And, yes, that was important, I have waited to contact him till I was sure I could, if he were not to respond, be ok with that. So I don’t sit in front of this screen waiting for an answer. 🙂
I am not sure what I should learn from the situation but I can park that for later, I’m guessing insight will come some day. There’s a block on the road, it is not moving. We’ll see.
The other day I went to the give away store, met up with a guy who works there and spoke a little. He haha, told me he was an ex-addict and that he was working on his co-dependency issues. Yes, yes, how very much on cue, thank you Universe, exactly when I am reading The Alcoholics guide to alcoholism most interesting posts on co-dependency and starting to discover my own issues in determining my worth by how others value me. Does that eh, ring a bell after me speaking about my boss?
Ooh, on openness and things ‘coming out’. At the Saturdays drink somebody asked me if I wanted a beer. I said ‘No, I don’t drink.’ And he started laughing and said ‘Hahaha, another one who doesn’t drink anymore! Hahahaaha…’ I laughed with him, he and his drunken stupidity and knowing how bad it is and still drinking and thinking it is funny…. Oooh, I have been there long time. I have another guy-colleague who does not drink and somebody of whom everybody knows he needed to stop and he did. But since his father died this week everybody doubts if he ‘will make it’. Turning up drunk or intoxicated from the night before will get him fired of the job according to the house-rules.
So yes, I see this as a sign that I am still carrying around this ‘vibe of addiction’ which attracts these situations but by now I am starting to see the fun in it. 🙂
I am happy that I quit because again I can say that I am exactly in the place where I need to be to be learning what I need to learn. And wow would this job with waking up at 6:00 be difficult if I were to still drink. Brrrrrrr….
Wwawwlhd? I have asked myself this question repeatedly in the last weeks although not so repeatedly as in the first days. It works out that a women who loves herself actually does more instead of less, makes a lot of good choices and is happy to follow them up. It is however confusing that the wwlh would quit the job on Friday while she is content to stay on Saturday. Teal Swan says about the wwawwlhd system: it is a projection of your own ability to love. So I guess that is where the glitches happen :-). (Not so) funny thing: Teal Swan is in Paris this weekend.
I take: Ayurvedic medicine but I forget them 1 out of 3 times now. I ‘take’ a lot of chocolate too, 1 bar of 100 grams a day in the struggle of trying to deal. Not good. Then again, I am going to let it go and see where it takes me.
I want: dunno, a quick tarot lay promised Death – which I will take as a ‘new beginning’ and ‘changing of old habits’ rather than something bad. I guess. I hope :-). I realised that I have no idea of the future other than one that feels impossible to reach: a cottage in a spiritually sound place with a large vegetable garden, a fireplace, a warm kitchen, a large book room, some livestock, a dog or possibly 2 and some cats. I should have bought this when I had the money. 😦 But I ‘decided’ to drink it all. Funny to notice that I tried to fit in this man in my life and he ended up living in a rebuilt shed. Gheghegheghe….. guess it’s no time yet. 🙂
On discipline: more where it is needed, like going to bed on time and less where it is not really, really necessary like cleaning the house if I’m tired.
3 Things: 1 my job, 2 the fact that I have a house and 3 that I am learning so much. Like time, time totally has new meaning right now. When I am not working I am really free. Not ‘not-working-but-feeling-guilty-because-I-don’t-do-anything-with-my-life kind of free but really free. And money: when I pay for something now I know the value of it. I earn less on a day than I would for working 1 hour when being a consultant. Ghegheghe… it’s ok. This is what I need to learn so this is where I am, taking it slowly.
Ooh, strange dream. I wonder about my animus (male part of my character according to Jung). He is supposed to turn up in my dreams as a wise guy but my guys are ALWAYS these cool, almost criminal, obnoxious, handsome twenty something guys that irritate the hell out of me. The last one was laying in a corner puking – while doing a low plank position by the way. He just lay there puking his guts out because he had been drinking or whatever partying. Hmmm, I realise now I could have helped him. Ghegheghe… hmmm. Oh ooh… I just left him there. Well, better next time.
So, another long post. One day I might go through all my posts and edit them. But not now. 🙂
I am wishing you a good new week in which love and light may shine for the world.