Insights brought on by ‘eating clean’.

Since last Friday I changed my food intake to no wheat, no dairy, no meat, no sugar, no additives. Vegetables, brown rice, little fruits, nuts, few eggs, some white fish only. The first three days I was ecstatic. But by now I guess my feelings are limited to ecstatic and depression – very addicty. Up to yesterday I was very pleased with the way it worked out. Less impulses from exciting flavours really brought my spirits down to earth and made me able to focus on a task longer than 2 minutes. I actually shutdown Facebook and mail when blogging and well, all those consequently. It was a big relieve. Also the fog out of my head cleared up. The Fog is still bothering me even though I am 5,5 months out of that prison called drinking.

The clean eating experience has the same tremendous effect on my body as quitting drinking did. I am glad I did not do them together, I would have been wiped off the planet with all the emotions and feelings and experiences coming through while the Fog lifts.

Yes I know I have been a [INSERT WORD] about sugar because I know it is bad, and for me more so than for most (non addicted) people because I have this physical condition that makes my body react to sugar like crazy. So taking care what I take in is important. And yet I did not anymore. A week ago I was up to half a bar of chocolate again (that is 50 grams of 85% chocolate now) a day. Even reading back in this blog gives me chocolate and sugar urges. I have that less with alcohol. Then again, I call it alcohol because if I would call it beer it would set off more triggers.

Yesterday, that would be day 6 of clean eating I guess, I suddenly had a sugar craving that was immense. Bigger than any alcohol craving I have experienced in my life – which might not be saying anything because I always gave into them until I decided to stop and then I killed the cravings when they even thought of popping up. So, well, not withstanding the comparison that is biased, I did have sugar cravings and the result was: GUILT! BLAME! SHAME! Wow….. overwhelming. Very informative, even though I had not worked out where it came from suddenly because I had not changed my food.

And it made me realise that I have been a pompous ass with people having difficulty with quitting alcohol – because for me, even though I was deep in, I think I had an easy time coming out. If it is even half as bad as what I had yesterday than… ok…. hmmm…. I think I start to understand why it is difficult. And I think I understand why Jason Vale has had such a success with his ‘don’t drink but juice’ approach because these juices contain all the minerals, vitamins and sugar to feed any cravings.

What did I do with my cravings? I ate a teaspoon of mulberries, and then another and then another and then I quit counting (sounds familiar?) Mulberries are very nice and ecological and whatever superfood they are but also at least 50% (natural, but still) sugar or so. I just wanted it to go away. I could not focus, did 10 things at the time again. Amazing. And no, I have not worked it out yet. Don’t know where it came from.

Another thing on food. I have a cold belly since yesterday when I ate rice with vegetables and fish in coconut broth. And the wise women said; don’t eat coconut products because they cool down your intestines. Coconut oil and products are meant for the tropics. I figured out that this is exactly why they grow in the tropics and not in Western Europe: we don’t need them. 🙂 I believe very much that the natural order is the natural order because a higher power I will call God here, saw that it was GOOD. If God had thought that eating coconuts in The Netherlands was a good idea, he would have planted them there. So…. pffff, another restriction to get me back onto the good path.

Guess I have to dive into the Ayurvedic teachings. For those who don’t know: Ayurveda is / are (?) ancient concept / teachings from India about healthy living. Amongst others it includes eating to the physical type that you are and where you live. To put it simple you can say that the fat lazy people who are sick need food to excite them and put some fire in them. And excited people who are so spirited that their candle burns out even before they are half-finished need foods to slow them down. (Don’t tell them that I simplified it like this… 😀 ) But ayurveda is very complicated to learn. Pfffff….. Maybe I should just visit an Ayurvedic doctor, make it easy on me instead of wanting to do everything myself.

So now again I have 10 things on my plate that I think I need to learn and somehow I think I need to do that BEFORE I get myself a job – which is ridiculous because by now I sleep bad at night over how to make ends meet in 3 months to come. My procrastinating has lessened, I can think of things and do them now, when they are small. My spark plug is restoring but the next thing to deal with is shame, fear and guilt. And the realisation that my internal guide might say: it is not time yet (even though the Time will be there within a few days), but an internal guide might not know about finances – or?

Also I am taking the time, when I can handle it, to look into feelings of discomfort. Because they are a guide too. The things I SHOULD be doing. :-D. It works, doing those things relaxes me. There is nothing wrong with 80% of the should’s I experience. I was looking for the pressure of the shoulds to go away but they are actually very good indications of things that need to be done. It is my idea that after I actually do those 80% I might want to look at the 20% of unreal expectations. Which is probably impossible because most likely I will not be able to differentiate between the 80 and the 20 otherwise they would not be in the same basket anyhow. As long as the 80% has a function to fire me on, which I realise by now that they don’t because the BLAME me and make me feel inadequate continuously.

Pffff, running in circles. I am loosing faith in my approach of feeling my way back into life. Maybe running in circles is nothing else but energy having build up because it can not go out another way. Maybe I should do some cleaning. 🙂

Running in circles because I don’t want to make a choice. As long as I don’t choose I am free. I spoke with a friend of mine yesterday, on romance. She said: I would love to be asked to marry by [insert description of prince]. But it never happened. I said: I have been asked 5 times (well, ringlessly probed) but I never said yes. The conclusion was: no matter with what idea you approach something, the results seem to be the same.

And I don’t want to say it because I get the feeling that I go off the planet here but: in the end it is all the same. Take away judgement, opinions, shame, guilt and then somebodies road is somebodies road. There are quicker roads, guided by that which is inherently good but even then, we will meet obstacles because nobody knows all about what is inherently good. What is bad has a function too. The circle of life does not stop after birth.

And just in case this vague insights are not true I think I might as well do my stuff on the earthly plane too :-D. I mean, I wasn’t put on this earth for nothing, I guess it should be an earthly experience. 🙂

I am happy that I quit and that I got out of that dark prison.

I want: things to be simple

I need: to organise and make choices.

I take: nothing, don’t know what, see I need. 🙂 I have started the alcohol desensitization again though. That is part of the deal: first you do 3 months of the test phase and answer questions and then you get access to the actual training that they think has most effect. It worked out I had been in the group of people doing the training that had most effect in the first place already. I like it. It gives me peace. And also, works as an indulgence in the religious version of that word: if I have not been thinking about being sober or filling in my life, I do a training session and I feel that I actually did do something. 🙂 Good for the low days.

I hope I have not bored you out of your chair by now. It may sound silly but I feel there is a still hidden purpose behind this blog that I am not aware off yet and that at some moment looking back to a complete development of me is going to be important and that it is part of my path. I don’t know. I’m going to put it down now, but I feel I am an object of study for someone, maybe a student. Paranoia mixed with megalomania is my favorite state of being. 😀 Have I left the planet? Pffff, not sure. If I have it is important to note this down because there comes a time when looking back is going to be important. If it were a friend of mine saying this I would think she had lost contact with earth by now. Psychosis, that is what I would think and my state of being sort of feels like that. So if you are a student and following my blog as a study project, please leave a note :-). And then again…. it doesn’t matter what superstition things I have because it is not going to feed me when the money runs out so I might as well get my ass moving!

Does any of you have that feeling, maybe it is vanity even, to think that your blog, apart from it being important to me, and possibly, hopefully here and there to other sober or addicted people, that there is something else, another purpose? Or maybe it is easier to get an answer to that without first telling that I think that is paranoia, megalomanic or psychotic :-D.  We shall see. 🙂

Have a nice day!

xx, Feeling

14 thoughts on “Insights brought on by ‘eating clean’.

  1. Good for you for trying this- I really want to try some Clean eating to, and can manage for a few days but always go back. I know I feel better when I eat better, but since not drinking the sugar habit has come into play and I’m really bummed about it but trying not to be hard on myself.

    I have questioned what the reasons for my blog are and stopped and questions my motives. I think they have changed a little as I change. Right now, I think it’s to write and heal and get perspective from others at the same time- and to not feel so alone. I also think it’s brave to put our feelings out there for whomever to read and it feels like letting myself be ‘seen’ and this feels like progress to me.
    Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

    • I noticed that ‘not berating’ works better with me than my usual ‘tough love’ (that would be a euphemism) approach. Like I did with alcohol: let go until insight comes. Insight to food has come, took me 5,5 months… :-/ or :-). Now I can do it effortlessly and with joy. If I wanted to force it I guess I would start researching the subject, read books, search the internet until the missing part(s) click(s) into the puzzle. And… I’ve said that I would only do this 2 weeks and see what would happen. I assume that from there I will go back to eating meat and dairy and sugar and then find out anew that it is bad and then be thrown about and torn between knowledge and want for a while…. Or… maybe I should not do it that way. 😀 Dunno, we shall see.

      On the blogging: yes, all what you mention is there in me as well – but I have learned to try to not go for the politically correct answer and the truth FOR ME !!!! is that I write to vent AND next to that VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY much appreciate comments, tips and support, critiques if needed. I really enjoy being connected with other sober people here but also: I guess I still have an issue with connection – not sure how. I don’t trust on connections here to last forever – I feel blogging is a temporal activity unless I get back on the horse called life. Actually, I don’t trust relations to last forever in daily life either. Trust issue comming back…. 😦 And I notice that I do not make attempts to change that. I keep on having this ‘join if and when you like but I’m going this way’ approach to people. And maybe I should not be so honest about this because I have upset people in daily life with that. I need to look into that but I have no basis or comparison because people that trust as a basic thing shun me I guess. And I them. I just can’t get a grip of the ‘concept’.
      It’s funny how, in the last days, all kinds of issues pop up that would be ‘steps’ if I were a 12 stepper. 🙂 Well, as I guess that shows that the 12 steps include wisdom that is applicable to every addict :-).
      I guess I am alone, and I guess that is a subject that I am not willing to look into yet because it also saves me from being overwhelmed by people. To me it’s a trade-off (as if I had a choice…); be alone or lose myself. I guess an autist specialist could find something in that ;-).
      Thanks for dropping by and commenting! It also does make me think that I am not absolutely crazy. Which is nice. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are not absolutely crazy, silly:) And I do happened to work in Autism research (strange coincidence since you referenced that)! You sound like you are doing good work! Keep asking those awesome questions:) xo

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ghegheghe, its a long time ago that somebody called me silly 🙂 🙂 🙂
        Today is better. I sometimes have that idea that I am at the verge of losing it. Yesterday was a day like that. TV and sleep still works so I guess it is indeed not that bad.
        On asking questions: my hairdresser said ‘Quit the diets, I’ve heard you about 20 different health things and every time you work out that it does not work’. And that’s how I noticed how important support can be because if she would have said: ‘Keep on searching, one day you will find your answer’ like you do I guess I would not have stormed off to the store to get my regular meat and 2 veggs. It is amazing, this diet and what it teaches me. Well, everything except what I want to learn. Ghegheghe. (pfffff, sigh…. 😦 )


  2. Clean eating brings out rules for me still. It’s easier to just plan to make the best choice for me at the time. Even if it means sometimes eat icing from a can. The feelings of shame and guilt get me when I “declare” I’m only eating x y or z and then don’t follow through. So, for me, eliminating the structure has helped.

    I am very interested in Ayurvedic medicine too. I might just need to start investigating that deeper.

    I don’t think your a paranoid megalomaniac. My blog is partly for me, to track my own journey, and partly to give a little hope that others might see the possibilities of sobriety. And it is a nice place to openly discuss deep thoughts.

    Plus, I love to comment on other blogs, and I felt it was only fair to provide my own story too.

    Your journey is so enlightening for me. It makes me question myself in good was.


    Liked by 2 people

    • Anne, thank you. I am crying here now. I am happy that my travels I enlighten somebody. 🙂 And I realise with that, that I feel like I am a burden. That is my basic feeling about myself in relation to others. Others just pretend that this is not so because that is polite. And I accept it because it is impolite to address this. Pffff…. All these very basic emotions suddenly showing up now clear and yeah, a little loud…. wow! And hmmm… not sure if I can deal in the long run. I’ve been sitting around blogging all day. Nothing coming out of my hands but trying to deal with this new sense of me.

      Other subject: Ayurveda has a medical part but I believe that yoga in itself is a part of Ayurveda, I believe it means something like the natural laws or ‘balance’ or so. Eating things that suit your body is part of it and so are the natural medicine. Specifically the ‘suit your bodytype’ is important and where it differs from Western nutrients therapy is e.g.: ‘we’ all say that fresh uncooked vegetables are healthy but according to ayurveda some people can not even digest them well, so it is not healthy to give these people salads. It’s interesting, but I find it very complicated although with my new insights in feeling the food working its way through my body now I might be able to understand it better. 🙂 Let’s see…. 🙂 For me it feels like too much now but I would sure like some food that can warm my belly again. 🙂


      • Yes! I had a Chinese medicine person tell me not to eat cold, uncooked vegetables, but if I do, to drink green tea. It really helped.

        Yoga and Ayurveda do go hand in hand. I think my plan will be to understand the basic principles and slowly incorporate them. Because drastic change is my old way and it just doesn’t work. Progress in the right direction, however small, is still progress.

        I think you are enlightening many. Your willingness to share is helpful.
        If you are burdening anyone that is their problem to solve, not yours!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Aaah, now THERE IS AN INSIGHT!!! I do not have to take care of the other. Indeed, providing I am polite and stay within my own boundaries anything the other has is their business. Me wanting to take care of that, prevent it or projecting that feeling onto them makes me go out of my bounderies and carry somebodies (imagined) burden. I guess these are the dynamics I have been in with my mother and other family members and later on friends and well, the whole world from childhood. Wow! Thanks! 🙂 It feels exactly like the reason for me to be ‘loud’ in my behavior: because I refuse the feeling that people do not want to hear me. Wow! And wow! Again I am throwing in disclaimers and indirectly saying sorry for who I am. It really is rooted in me.
        Hmmm, a little too much insights here…. pffff. Chocolate, here I come!!! 🙂 We’ll I’ll go do my shoppings at the eco store first. Fresh air, should calm me down.

        Drastic is (still?) my core. Learning to walk the middle road or sit still and experience is the a goal. I am starting to appreciate the strenght that is in my extreme behavior. It got me away from where I was. But I guess it also got me where I was….. so.

        Did you see Guru Singh on recovery 2.0? I have not finished yet but he has some ideas on yoga that I find interesting. Like: poses where the head is below the heart create inner space and happiness and I think he is also saying places the body above the head as in; it reverses what we think to be true here in ‘the West’. It might be a difficult question but do you have experience with that?

        xx, Feeling


      • I need to watch today. I will let you know.
        I really liked the talk with Gabrielle Bernstein about the promises. They all apply to my life. I’m not sure AA was the cause of that, but they capture my feelings of sobriety so well.

        I am also very codependent, as a result of my family growing up. It is hard to stop taking on the emotional well being of others. But we need to. It’s tiring.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I guess I missed Gabrielle. 😦

        Would my comments about the family dynamics fall under ‘codependency’? Or is your reference ‘also’ not to me but to yourself? Codependency and the knowledge of that has somehow not rooted in The Netherlands, or I missed it totally, so I have no idea of the ‘concept’. If you have time to explain I would be grateful. 🙂 Or if you have a website or book title? 🙂


  3. So you said that “If god wanted people in the Netherlands to eat coconuts, they would be able to grow in the Netherlands” or something like that.

    I have a question for you. I am an American, which means my ancestors are from somewhere else. I currently live in a hot and dry part of my country, but my ancestors are from northern Europe. Does it make more sense for me to eat the foods of the desert, since that’s where I live, or would it make more sense to eat the foods of northern Europe, since that’s where my ancestors are from?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t know, I’m not the expert. I think it works like this, sticking to the coconut. Even within the hot country there are types of people that should only eat coconuts on hot days. And others that can eat them all year round. So depending on what type you are you would do fine on the desert food or need to mix it with northern European food. Ayurveda is very complicated – that’s what makes it difficult for laymen (like me) to make sense of it.
      But… even plants of the same species that grow in hot countries and cold countries seem to a have different makes. Not sure if I pick the right example, but a plant growing in a cold country seems to have more oily substances than its family in a hot country. But again, I’ve just picked up bits here and there so don’t quote me. 🙂


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