Long time – no write. I have been hiding, hiding, hiding. The job application last week went really well, but I still have not heard from them so most likely it went even ‘weller’ for somebody else. But… maybe they just need some extra time. We shall see.
Finance is pressing but within 2 weeks there will be a huge tax refund so that saves my ass for a few months. As from tomorrow I’ll be helping a friend of mine for a few days. He’s got his own company and needs some seasonal help. Looking forward to it.
Today I had some plans: opening invoices, calling the tax office, cleaning the house and writing a letter of application. I managed part of the opening invoices and I did get the tax office info. Still need to clean and I looked at the job openings again, worked out that I was 20 years overqualified or 20 years under. NEW was that I was able to do this from a witness position and not be taken up by my emotions totally. NEW is also the realisation that I am a mess and lack structure. Can’t finish anything. As in structurally I can not finish a thing. More and more I’m starting to think that my issue is not with booze, it is with living. And let’s not forget that it is with booze as well of course.
Next to being an arch procratinator I have difficulty in this society. I always felt there is something fundamentally wrong in this society where women are second class people. I grew up in a household where this message was pounded in, day in, day out. If it were not by my father actually saying so, it was by my mother who had no position, she struggled, fought and lost day in day out. In the end cancer took her and I am in no way surprised about it. I grew to hate men in general and myself for being a woman.
So, I guess I drank. Drank the hurt away, drank away those things that could otherwise not be swallowed, drank away my inability to cope. And now I’m sober, guessing still not able to cope all too well. Need to look into that. But that is not what I want to write about.
Since I do not drink anymore and am not on a daily base occupied within the rat-race called career I find that I look upon life differently. How the world operates worries me greatly. First I found that alcohol advertising promises EXACTLY what it does not deliver. Yeah, that may sound naive, but to me it was an eye opener. Then I started to meet nice guys who were actually friendly towards women and positive. Another thing that sort of opened my eyes was this weird, weird situation where my high blood pressure dropped after quitting the high blood pressure pills. It makes you think doesn’t it?
Today this jpeg crossed my Facebook page and I’m guessing it says a lot, but not even all of it.
And then there is the whole list of the Monsanto’s of this world, the forced vaccinations in Florida, the TTP and TTIP, the Codex Alimentarius which in the worse case will rule out all alternative medicine (which helped me get my blood pressure down…). The stupidity of ADHD medicine for kids, the fact that vegetables only contain 1/3rd or less of the vitamin and mineral content they did 20 – 30 years ago because we deplete the fields.
The bookstore man was very angry and upset the other day over all the bad news in the world. I realised that if we are to watch all the bad news, we need to watch all the kitten/puppies/baby/combination vids too. Our system is NOT build to live in a world that big. We are not made to deal with the thousands of deaths, the wars, the diseases, the rapes, the poverty of this world. It leaves us depleted too. It is not healthy and looking at it is not a sustainable way of living. All of us, well, except the sociopaths among us, have empathy. Bombarding empathy in a person with horrible news just kills it. It is like being bombarded with noise all day: we need to shut down stuff, important stuff, to be able to deal with the noise. It is not good, it is not sustainable.
Because there is no way to deal other than denial, shutting down, closing doors, using / drinking or what have you.
It is more than a year ago now that I realised I had to quit drinking. After quitting I found a few blogs online and thought that I could start my own in order to log my process. I thought about my name, I wanted it to reflect the process I was going through in a positive way. I wanted to be alive again and I think I had figured out that drinking for me was a way to kill my feelings. So I thought I need to regrow that and feel my way back into life.
I’m thinking feelings are indications of our state of being and therefore important. The word emotion seems to mean ‘that what puts us in motion’. So… guessing it is very important to know from the other way around too because these are the things that cause us to relapse. Now over the months I’ve done some thinking and feeling and my idea of what is and how come etc. has changed. My view of what life is has changed and I find it confusing because the whole world around me which I found very important before seems to start to become of no importance. Which I guess is good, and part of my age (45) but it is confusing. And I tend to do everything in extremes so if I don’t take care I’ll be without a house in a few months so… time to make this a subject of a blog ;-).
As far as I have worked it out for myself I (we?) have a divine core. I visualise things in layers so have the idea that around the core is something I would call the True Self and then there is I, the part that I currently experience as I, the person who writes this blog. The True Self has qualities but these, I think to experience in my life, are not showing clearly because there is another layer, the I, which is cluttered with rubbish, pain, bad memories, unhelpful views, addictions, needs, wants, (temporary) happiness.
I am thinking the divine spark is the life force we get, the True Self is the carry over part from life to after life or next life. The character or I is undoubtedly the human experience we are having as spiritual being. That, in my not schooled nor humble opinion is the part where the karma is wrestling with the world, the part where the ego is situated. The part which is attached to the body, a nice neat unit of measurement of humanity. It is afraid to die, and it suffers, which I guess is exactly the point – otherwise there would be nothing to learn to let go or transcend.
I think what I have been doing these past 12 months of which 10 plus sober is to learn to recognise the emotions floating around, ok, screaming and pushing, in the I-part. These are the ones that I drowned, these are the ones that would, if I would let them, set me on to drink. So I might as well get to know them. And I’ve come to think that this is the part I want to clean up, in order to become clean, clear, transparent – my initial and possibly final goal.
I want to learn to let go of all the hurt, the misunderstandings, the needs and greeds, the 7 sins so I am not forced by those emotions to want to control myself or the world around me. I want to learn to let go of these so I can see my True Self and possibly do some good with that in the world. Well, I’m guessing trying to get there, or getting there is what I need to do.
I guess it involves a lot of self research, looking into motives, into intentions. Intentions I found are key. That’s why the bookstore man is important to me because he’s pretty good at reading intentions and reacts to those more than he reacts to what is being said or done. Or so I project, not sure, but he’s a constant reminder, sort of check-back button. And it might have to do something with this main intention I set when I met him: I don’t want to lie to this person. Not sure why this decision was so intens. I guess because I was getting tired of needing to lie about having fucked up my life over booze. That sounds a little too holy possibly, I think the knowledge that would not be able to keep it up anyhow in front of somebody who feels so deeply into intentions. And then of course there is this point of wanting to be able to stand straight and be able carry what I have brought about. I should not forget that. Decisions we make.
And then of course I did lie about my blog. As I told everybody but some: I write in a diary (sort of ish, online, sort of, semi public, sort of).
And then there are levels of consciousness. I sometimes find that I switch, but I’m not sure where the switch is and that is not important in the process I’m in I guess. I’m guessing what is important now is to find sources of emotions, see where they take me, discover the function of them, uncover the sources, deal with the sources. And then, in the long run try to learn to disconnect from the dynamics and let them pass by. To let them be information without being thrown all over the place.
Currently I would say I am in the place where I get to know my emotions, lately very much learning to deal with my own darkness and destruction and being able to stand straight when that storm hits me. And slowly I’m starting to develop a sense of use of emotions: to set us into motion when we are not on our path / things are not as they should be. The Path would be to develop the True Self in this human form. I’m currently in the phase of trying to discover the True Self by learning to let go of the debris around it. I set myself back in that process by drinking for years. Or… because I drank for years I had to make extra effort to come back and I without it I might not ever have discovered this what I think to know as The Truth (my truth that is) by now.
Another thing, because The Path and The Ideal did not have time to adjust to pension plans, taxes, confusing economics, sickening concepts of health, awful injustice and world hunger, and anything, well anything listed in the jpeg above, it is easy to be confused, swept of our feet and the debris gets bigger and addictions get worse. And luckily the amount of people saying: maybe, maybe alcohol and drugs, sugar and other addictions are not good for us is growing. 🙂
Another unedited post. Not going to read back to see if the paragraphs line up because I need to get to bed. Alarm is ringing in 5 hours from now.
I am happy that I quit even though I do not find it easy to deal with this shifting view of the world. Specifically the moaning part of me that wants to crawl under the blanket and say: ‘They did it!’ is difficult to deal with. Because part of it is true, but it is not important. Sigh. Still happy that I quit. Now with the 12 months in sight I notice there is some cockiness coming up; ‘If I can make it to a year without trouble… blablablabla…’ 😦 Need to look into that.
I need: to go to bed
I want: to understand how it all works but I guess it will unfold itself as I de-addict. That’s how it has been so I guess that is how it will continue. And I got a nice book from the bookstore man on ‘You are that’ – nice book with good words on existence that can be physically experienced. I like books that can do that. That it’s not only a brain thing but that the knowledge goes from the words to the cells in the body or to a place in the aura (or how one would call that).
I take: still heavy on the chocolate. I guess I have gained 2-3 kilo’s in the past weeks. It is starting to irritate me.
3 things: tax refund, proud of having looked at my finances and sewing a tiny baby gift today. 🙂
Hope you have a nice sober/clean day/evening!