Finding hope in a bottle – but differently

Ok, the thought for after dinner was to select some Bach remedies on finding hope. Bach remedies are natural remedies which influence the emotional state of a person. I always benefit from them greatly but when I go down into a pit I have issues selecting them because I don’t feel worth taking care of me. And I am always too late. I have to stand with my back against to wall to actually start taking care of me.

This is a chart of the traditional English Bach Remedies. Several people around the world have developed their own sets, like the Californian remedies. These are keywords, online or in books you can find more detailed info.

I was not sure how to select what I am looking for but I started crying at Gorse, Olive, Star of Bethlehem, Sweet Chestnut and Wild Oat. So I guess that makes it clear.

Adding Cherry Plum and Rock Rose to soften the blow a bit.Β  Even though it is dangerous to take Cherry Plum when without professional help. I think I have the worst behind me so I guess I am safe.

With homeopathy and Bach remedies there can be the danger of extreme aggravation when the energetic system is awakened by the medicine. I have a pretty reactive system so when I take a remedy against ‘irrational fears’ e.g. I will spend 2 days fearing the whole CIA, KGB, NSA and Facebook are on my case and that the remedy is actually pro-irrational fears and that this is done to me by purpose bla bla bla bla bla. At day 3 I do not worry anymore and can not even believe I ever came up with a thought like that.

Theoretically Wild Oat would be something for when I am ready to look for work again, not for emergencies, but the word ‘alienated’ sticks with me. My brother was killed in the womb by a chemical process which in plain English would be called ‘alienating’ and my first name is based on a noun derived from the verb ‘alienating’. Yeah. I am not surprised I have difficulty landing in this world and uphold a typical view of its inhabitants :-D. Wild Oat, to get my feet back on the ground?

Ok, the above list is quite long, I prefer taking 2 or 3 remedies at the time.

Agrimony is good for anybody with an addictive personality. Not taking that now though because I am opening up by myself and I don’t want to mess with that process currently. Not sure why, all of a sudden for the one process I think I need Bach remedy help and for the other I find it ‘messing’. Which… might strenghten the thought that one can not medicate oneself. πŸ˜‰ You are welcome to give it a try btw. I am curious to learn what you think.

Willow gave the sensation of a cold, bitter lightning through my body. Resentment is certainly something to look at. Specifically because somewhere in my mind there is this cold voice saying: “They deserve my hatred.” (yikes!!) But now is not the time. Or? No. Not now.

I would assume anybody reading this would want to give me Honeysuckle. I am not taking this because it is about romantisizing the past. I thought I did not do that. Until I just read an online addition from Edward Bach: “They do not expect further happiness such as they have had.” which would be true for the womb-dream I have. No greater happiness than being in the womb with somebody who is somebody else, but me. Never alone, experiencing everything without speaking. I like you because you are me – you like me because I am you. Food for analyses. We might have had Narcissus for breakfast. Not sure.

We are us,
You are us,
I am us,
We are you!
We are me!
I am you,
You are me.

You died.

It is called the dream of the womb. Which then turned into the hell of the womb. I realise that I long back to that dream and I will never, as long as I live, experience the intensity, the wholeness of that contact again. Hole in the soul.

I am happy that I quit. πŸ™‚ I assume, know, the mess would be bigger if I had not. Again. I would not be alive. In the last few weeks I have somehow found that I am worth saving. Or learned to not give a shit about others opinion of me anymore, maybe. That would take some pressure off too. Not sure. I am still scared, what if I save myself and fall back in the pit? I am scared but I am going to try anyway. I think I can do this. I mean, I quit drinking and I thought I could not do that. I started with writing down what I was scared of and did not know. And then I started looking for answers. I can do that again. I have got plenty of time. :-/ Well, The Universe gave us all we needed for Life, so let’s see what tools I have and can apply.

Ok, I am happy that I quit. Gonna make my remedy mix now. 1 Or 2 drops of each in a bottle of a liter water. Then poor half a glass and fill up with water again.

Bach remedies are 40% alcohol I believe. So the concoction can still smell like alcohol but somehow it does not hinder me. I have these remedies stored in the brain box ‘medicine’ and that keeps me from linking this smell to drinking. It has never been in the brain box ‘drink’. Funny side note: there is a lemonade I can not drink because I used to drink it when trying to moderate. And I projected my drinking thoughts on it. So now it feels like drinking alcohol when I smell it. :-D. The mind is strange.

Wishing you a good sober day / evening. Thanks for reading.

xx, Feeling

Life in another light and it is confusing

Long time – no write. I have been hiding, hiding, hiding. The job application last week went really well, but I still have not heard from them so most likely it went even ‘weller’ for somebody else. :-/ But… maybe they just need some extra time. We shall see.

Finance is pressing but within 2 weeks there will be a huge tax refund so that saves my ass for a few months. As from tomorrow I’ll be helping a friend of mine for a few days. He’s got his own company and needs some seasonal help. Looking forward to it.

Today I had some plans: opening invoices, calling the tax office, cleaning the house and writing a letter of application. I managed part of the opening invoices and I did get the tax office info. Still need to clean and I looked at the job openings again, worked out that I was 20 years overqualified or 20 years under. NEW was that I was able to do this from a witness position and not be taken up by my emotions totally. NEW is also the realisation that I am a mess and lack structure. Can’t finish anything. As in structurally I can not finish a thing. More and more I’m starting to think that my issue is not with booze, it is with living. And let’s not forget that it is with booze as well of course.

Next to being an arch procratinator I have difficulty in this society. I always felt there is something fundamentally wrong in this society where women are second class people. I grew up in a household where this message was pounded in, day in, day out. If it were not by my father actually saying so, it was by my mother who had no position, she struggled, fought and lost day in day out. In the end cancer took her and I am in no way surprised about it. I grew to hate men in general and myself for being a woman.

So, I guess I drank. Drank the hurt away, drank away those things that could otherwise not be swallowed, drank away my inability to cope. And now I’m sober, guessing still not able to cope all too well. Need to look into that. But that is not what I want to write about.

Since I do not drink anymore and am not on a daily base occupied within the rat-race called career I find that I look upon life differently. How the world operates worries me greatly. First I found that alcohol advertising promises EXACTLY what it does not deliver. Yeah, that may sound naive, but to me it was an eye opener. Then I started to meet nice guys who were actually friendly towards women and positive. Another thing that sort of opened my eyes was this weird, weird situation where my high blood pressure dropped after quitting the high blood pressure pills. It makes you think doesn’t it?

Today this jpeg crossed my Facebook page and I’m guessing it says a lot, but not even all of it.

waterfoutisAnd then there is the whole list of the Monsanto’s of this world, the forced vaccinations in Florida, the TTP and TTIP, the Codex Alimentarius which in the worse case will rule out all alternative medicine (which helped me get my blood pressure down…). The stupidity of ADHD medicine for kids, the fact that vegetables only contain 1/3rd or less of the vitamin and mineral content they did 20 – 30 years ago because we deplete the fields.

The bookstore man was very angry and upset the other day over all the bad news in the world. I realised that if we are to watch all the bad news, we need to watch all the kitten/puppies/baby/combination vids too. Our system is NOT build to live in a world that big. We are not made to deal with the thousands of deaths, the wars, the diseases, the rapes, the poverty of this world. It leaves us depleted too. It is not healthy and looking at it is not a sustainable way of living. All of us, well, except the sociopaths among us, have empathy. Bombarding empathy in a person with horrible news just kills it. It is like being bombarded with noise all day: we need to shut down stuff, important stuff, to be able to deal with the noise. It is not good, it is not sustainable.

Because there is no way to deal other than denial, shutting down, closing doors, using / drinking or what have you.

It is more than a year ago now that I realised I had to quit drinking. After quitting I found a few blogs online and thought that I could start my own in order to log my process. I thought about my name, I wanted it to reflect the process I was going through in a positive way. I wanted to be alive again and I think I had figured out that drinking for me was a way to kill my feelings. So I thought I need to regrow that and feel my way back into life.

I’m thinking feelings are indications of our state of being and therefore important. The word emotion seems to mean ‘that what puts us in motion’. So… guessing it is very important to know from the other way around too because these are the things that cause us to relapse. Now over the months I’ve done some thinking and feeling and my idea of what is and how come etc. has changed. My view of what life is has changed and I find it confusing because the whole world around me which I found very important before seems to start to become of no importance. Which I guess is good, and part of my age (45) but it is confusing. And I tend to do everything in extremes so if I don’t take care I’ll be without a house in a few months so… time to make this a subject of a blog ;-).

As far as I have worked it out for myself I (we?) have a divine core. I visualise things in layers so have the idea that around the core is something I would call the True Self and then there is I, the part that I currently experience as I, the person who writes this blog. The True Self has qualities but these, I think to experience in my life, are not showing clearly because there is another layer, the I, which is cluttered with rubbish, pain, bad memories, unhelpful views, addictions, needs, wants, (temporary)Β  happiness.

I am thinking the divine spark is the life force we get, the True Self is the carry over part from life to after life or next life. The character or I is undoubtedly the human experience we are having as spiritual being. That, in my not schooled nor humble opinion is the part where the karma is wrestling with the world, the part where the ego is situated. The part which is attached to the body, a nice neat unit of measurement of humanity. It is afraid to die, and it suffers, which I guess is exactly the point – otherwise there would be nothing to learn to let go or transcend.

I think what I have been doing these past 12 months of which 10 plus sober is to learn to recognise the emotions floating around, ok, screaming and pushing, in the I-part. These are the ones that I drowned, these are the ones that would, if I would let them, set me on to drink. So I might as well get to know them. And I’ve come to think that this is the part I want to clean up, in order to become clean, clear, transparent – my initial and possibly final goal.

I want to learn to let go of all the hurt, the misunderstandings, the needs and greeds, the 7 sins so I am not forced by those emotions to want to control myself or the world around me. I want to learn to let go of these so I can see my True Self and possibly do some good with that in the world. Well, I’m guessing trying to get there, or getting there is what I need to do.

I guess it involves a lot of self research, looking into motives, into intentions. Intentions I found are key. That’s why the bookstore man is important to me because he’s pretty good at reading intentions and reacts to those more than he reacts to what is being said or done. Or so I project, not sure, but he’s a constant reminder, sort of check-back button. And it might have to do something with this main intention I set when I met him: I don’t want to lie to this person. Not sure why this decision was so intens. I guess because I was getting tired of needing to lie about having fucked up my life over booze. That sounds a little too holy possibly, I think the knowledge thatΒ  would not be able to keep it up anyhow in front of somebody who feels so deeply into intentions. And then of course there is this point of wanting to be able to stand straight and be able carry what I have brought about. I should not forget that. Decisions we make.

And then of course I did lie about my blog. As I told everybody but some: I write in a diary (sort of ish, online, sort of, semi public, sort of).

And then there are levels of consciousness. I sometimes find that I switch, but I’m not sure where the switch is and that is not important in the process I’m in I guess. I’m guessing what is important now is to find sources of emotions, see where they take me, discover the function of them, uncover the sources, deal with the sources. And then, in the long run try to learn to disconnect from the dynamics and let them pass by. To let them be information without being thrown all over the place.

Currently I would say I am in the place where I get to know my emotions, lately very much learning to deal with my own darkness and destruction and being able to stand straight when that storm hits me. And slowly I’m starting to develop a sense of use of emotions: to set us into motion when we are not on our path / things are not as they should be. The Path would be to develop the True Self in this human form. I’m currently in the phase of trying to discover the True Self by learning to let go of the debris around it. I set myself back in that process by drinking for years. Or… because I drank for years I had to make extra effort to come back and I without it I might not ever have discovered this what I think to know as The Truth (my truth that is) by now.

Another thing, because The Path and The Ideal did not have time to adjust to pension plans, taxes, confusing economics, sickening concepts of health, awful injustice and world hunger, and anything, well anything listed in the jpeg above, it is easy to be confused, swept of our feet and the debris gets bigger and addictions get worse. And luckily the amount of people saying: maybe, maybe alcohol and drugs, sugar and other addictions are not good for us is growing. πŸ™‚

Another unedited post. Not going to read back to see if the paragraphs line up because I need to get to bed. Alarm is ringing in 5 hours from now.

I am happy that I quit even though I do not find it easy to deal with this shifting view of the world. Specifically the moaning part of me that wants to crawl under the blanket and say: ‘They did it!’ is difficult to deal with. Because part of it is true, but it is not important. Sigh. Still happy that I quit. Now with the 12 months in sight I notice there is some cockiness coming up;Β  ‘If I can make it to a year without trouble… blablablabla…’ 😦 Need to look into that.

I need: to go to bed

I want: to understand how it all works but I guess it will unfold itself as I de-addict. That’s how it has been so I guess that is how it will continue. And I got a nice book from the bookstore man on ‘You are that’ – nice book with good words on existence that can be physically experienced. I like books that can do that. That it’s not only a brain thing but that the knowledge goes from the words to the cells in the body or to a place in the aura (or how one would call that).

I take: still heavy on the chocolate. I guess I have gained 2-3 kilo’s in the past weeks. It is starting to irritate me.

3 things: tax refund, proud of having looked at my finances and sewing a tiny baby gift today. πŸ™‚

Hope you have a nice sober/clean day/evening!

xx, Feeling

Job contract on the way – psychological changes.

Well, 2 days ago I heard that I could expect a job contract for a year for a part-time function of 20 hours. It is so strange that I could not even write about it. It needed to settle first :-). It’s not all done yet, still need to receive, sign and return the contract but still… I’ve got THE mail on the ok.

There are a few things about the job that could prove to be difficult but I don’t feel like going into that now. It’s useless to spend energy on worrying unless I can actually do something about the situation and then I should. NEW!

The ‘ok’ brings some immediate changes with it. So funny how the weight of things suddenly changes with this. Blogworld: not important (sorry!), recovery – huh?Β  Nothing wrong with me. NEW! I need to keep an eye on that one because I don’t want to run into a situation where I forget how important it actually is but I like the ‘nothing wrong with me’, that is comfortable.

About 12 years back I quit drinking when I was unemployed because I felt uncomfortable with drinking suddenly. I was not that heavily into drinking then but did feel I was overdoing it and actually started seeing that I could be addicted. Looking back I was in denial. I was sober for about 3 months or so, I did not make it a big issue and did not pay attention to anything apart from noticing that my yoga suddenly went WAY better. I got a job and started drinking again. I could never land in the job which had to do with my state of mind at the time but looking back it had to do with drinking too. Later I heard that they had 6 people on that position in 2 years and that I had been there 6 months so I was actually one of the longer lasting but still… Shit I hated that place for its bad atmosphere and the effect that had on me. I felt like a total failure and I drank to forget it. Walking into some darkness of denial here. I got fired after I had been on a very boozy Sunday evening which I thought, with my drunken brain, would work out all right but it all fell wrong (MAJOR DENIAL) and well, I don’t know. Jeeez this is uncomfortable. I am actually leaving stuff out here because I feel too ashamed to write about it.

I drank a bottle of wine and about a six-pack. I had never in my life done that before. SPECIFICALLY not on an evening before a workday. That monday I had to take some decisions that I could not focus on and did not understand because I could not get the group of people who would supply me with the info to focus – obviously because I was off. At the end of the day I had a talk with my boss on the results of the meeting and I explained that I had not worked it out yet. Feeling like an absolute loser. She came down on me hard and I teared up saying that I had difficulty with the job, that I should be able to do it blindfolded, standing on one leg but that I somehow could not get into the matter. Which was the case.

I did not tell her that I drank my brains away every weekend and would normally have redesigned the whole process in my spare time to get to know it intimately but I well, ‘preferred’ to drink it all away. Not sure if she guessed or smelled an issue, it was end of the day but it’s the stuff that got me fired. Officially because they replanned the whole department. I felt it a little different. Did I quit? No, I started drinking more and deciding, again, that I would never drink before a working day. Then I became a freelance consultant and worked out my own working days. See the trap?

Why is this coming up now? I guess that’s how it works. Memories get processed when something similar happens.

I’m going to need all my wits upon me for this new job. Not sure how and when to celebrate. I have this absolute belief that things should not be celebrated upfront.

Another change: for 2 nights now I have almost slept through the entire night. NEW! The cat is going crazy, trying to demolish the furniture and running around my head but I don’t wake up easily anymore so I’m half asleep, turn over and just can’t be bothered. NEW!! I find these little changes so amazing. She has been with me for 4 or 5 years now. I have NEVER slept through the night, specifically not if she was throwing a tantrum. Now I am finally doing what I think I should be and that obviously gives me the right to sleep and let the cat have her tantrum without me being bothered. When I was not doing what I should be doing I felt bad about myself and would feel I needed to answer her and be nice – because I was stupid. It is funny how all of these funny connections are now showing up. If you would have asked me upfront I would never have thought that lack of self-esteem was urging me to listen to my cat at night.

Other change: a while back I bought a Tarot cards deck to help develop my intuition. It is my believe that oracles like I-Tjing and Tarot connect with me easily and often gives results that help me out. I ‘use’ these as tools to get insight in a situation where I have difficulty dealing and where I feel I have a blind spot that I don’t want to see and is hindering me. My set has 78 cards, I have pulled about 30 cards up to now. I have gotten 1 card 7 TIMES in a row. Do I shuffle my deck? Yes, of course I do :-/. The card is called ‘Fear’ and it is the seven of cups. Funny that I now read online that the 7 of cups means something totally different in other decks. There it refers to ‘overindulgence’ and temptation – I have that too momentarily where I do 10 things at the same time never finish one. Need to look into that. Also this would be THE card for addicts to learn that they are addicted. Hmmm. Not sure how to interpreted it now. I’ll go with the fear explanation for now.

When I freed myself from the prison of alcohol I had a goal and the goal is becoming clear. That includes not drinking, rigorous honesty, cleaning up my house, sorting out feelings, being clear to other people, not hiding myself in too many words (hmmm, that is not working yet). I thought that would be a good goal. Ooh, it includes not being addicted to alcohol or other stuff, still doing some other stuff like procrastinating though.

Well…. I thought, since I guessed my intuition and awareness of my feelings or what have you, is pretty strong, I thought I could feel myself back into a healthy, clear life. I thought my feelings for what is good and what is not should be my guide. I have this build in sense of justice and righteousness and the arrogance to believe what I say is right. πŸ˜€

In the beginning I followed everything that felt good; cold feet? Put socks on. Uncomfortable? Take a bath. Tired: sleep. I did everything to the detail. And I guess that was good. About 2 months ago I started to notice that I had other feelings too that kept on screaming at me. Not sure now at this moment if my awareness of my feelings is really strong because my denial is pretty strong too. Possibly I need the denial not to be overwhelmed by the feelings. Or possibly the feelings would not have to scream if I would not deny them. :-/ Obviously there is something going on in that department. If somebody else would write this I would say: she’s scared shitless. Which is what I am I guess. It’s in all my cells.

Well, I noticed the ‘bad’ feelings, the disliking me because I had not cleaned or paid bills. I started to realise that these feelings too were ‘information’ just as the ‘good’ feelings. Today… after pulling out the Fear card for the 7th time I realised that I accept that all my feelings are information – apart from fear. Fear needs to go. The book said that fear shows where the obstacles are that need looking into = information. So….. that’s what I’m going to plan, look at my fear. NEW!!!! And I’ll be procrastinating from there onwards I guess. πŸ˜€

I am happy that I quit. None of this would be happening if I had not. I am sort of proud about the job and part of me wonders if I should not have put up a harder fight on some stuff in the contract. Pfffff, don’t want to go there. NEW! I want this job for the content, because it part-time and because I magically got it and it feels funny to ask for something from the universe, actually get it and then turn around and spit the universe in the face by denying the opportunity. And also, I need the money and I just don’t want to look for another job because it makes me feel bad and I don’t want to deal with it. Feeling wise that sounds like bad motivation to me, it feels like denial too, but I’ll go with it. Also, I mean, in this time in my line of work, having not worked for a boss being accepted for the first letter I send out – that is strange to say the least. My intuition says: Big growth developments when you manage to keep afloat. We shall see. πŸ™‚ I’ll do my utmost best to make it a meaningful experience and deliver excellent work. And if I can not do the job or can not deal with the tough cooky boss to the point where it is dangerous for me – I will leave.

I need: to get a little more organised and clean the house and buy some clothes. I have somehow lost one of the 2 t-shirts that still fit me How? Don’t know! I think I left it at a friends. Things like that happening put me back in the guilt – shame feelings I had when drinking and losing stuff.Β  But I can’t wear the same dress to work every day now can I? So new clothes it is. Not liking it because I had planned in my head that I would have lost weight before I started buying new clothes. I have, but not enough in my opinion.

I want: somebody to give me their wardrobe because they have outgrown it. That would be cool. I dislike shopping for clothes because I am very precise in fit and colour and model and material and….. dislike that I do not look good anymore. It is difficult but I still have not found my path to the skinny land. I’m going with making sure I get as much healthy stuff in me that actually feed my body so I don’t get cravings.

I take: chocolate. Which, when I put it out here…. does not really align with eating healthy. It is eco though, and 72%…. (chocolate denial, chocolate denial…)

I wish you a nice weekend. Thank you for reading through another way too long post.

xx, Feeling

Insights brought on by ‘eating clean’.

Since last Friday I changed my food intake to no wheat, no dairy, no meat, no sugar, no additives. Vegetables, brown rice, little fruits, nuts, few eggs, some white fish only. The first three days I was ecstatic. But by now I guess my feelings are limited to ecstatic and depression – very addicty. Up to yesterday I was very pleased with the way it worked out. Less impulses from exciting flavours really brought my spirits down to earth and made me able to focus on a task longer than 2 minutes. I actually shutdown Facebook and mail when blogging and well, all those consequently. It was a big relieve. Also the fog out of my head cleared up. The Fog is still bothering me even though I am 5,5 months out of that prison called drinking.

The clean eating experience has the same tremendous effect on my body as quitting drinking did. I am glad I did not do them together, I would have been wiped off the planet with all the emotions and feelings and experiences coming through while the Fog lifts.

Yes I know I have been a [INSERT WORD] about sugar because I know it is bad, and for me more so than for most (non addicted) people because I have this physical condition that makes my body react to sugar like crazy. So taking care what I take in is important. And yet I did not anymore. A week ago I was up to half a bar of chocolate again (that is 50 grams of 85% chocolate now) a day. Even reading back in this blog gives me chocolate and sugar urges. I have that less with alcohol. Then again, I call it alcohol because if I would call it beer it would set off more triggers.

Yesterday, that would be day 6 of clean eating I guess, I suddenly had a sugar craving that was immense. Bigger than any alcohol craving I have experienced in my life – which might not be saying anything because I always gave into them until I decided to stop and then I killed the cravings when they even thought of popping up. So, well, not withstanding the comparison that is biased, I did have sugar cravings and the result was: GUILT! BLAME! SHAME! Wow….. overwhelming. Very informative, even though I had not worked out where it came from suddenly because I had not changed my food.

And it made me realise that I have been a pompous ass with people having difficulty with quitting alcohol – because for me, even though I was deep in, I think I had an easy time coming out. If it is even half as bad as what I had yesterday than… ok…. hmmm…. I think I start to understand why it is difficult. And I think I understand why Jason Vale has had such a success with his ‘don’t drink but juice’ approach because these juices contain all the minerals, vitamins and sugar to feed any cravings.

What did I do with my cravings? I ate a teaspoon of mulberries, and then another and then another and then I quit counting (sounds familiar?) Mulberries are very nice and ecological and whatever superfood they are but also at least 50% (natural, but still) sugar or so. I just wanted it to go away. I could not focus, did 10 things at the time again. Amazing. And no, I have not worked it out yet. Don’t know where it came from.

Another thing on food. I have a cold belly since yesterday when I ate rice with vegetables and fish in coconut broth. And the wise women said; don’t eat coconut products because they cool down your intestines. Coconut oil and products are meant for the tropics. I figured out that this is exactly why they grow in the tropics and not in Western Europe: we don’t need them. πŸ™‚ I believe very much that the natural order is the natural order because a higher power I will call God here, saw that it was GOOD. If God had thought that eating coconuts in The Netherlands was a good idea, he would have planted them there. So…. pffff, another restriction to get me back onto the good path.

Guess I have to dive into the Ayurvedic teachings. For those who don’t know: Ayurveda is / are (?) ancient concept / teachings from India about healthy living. Amongst others it includes eating to the physical type that you are and where you live. To put it simple you can say that the fat lazy people who are sick need food to excite them and put some fire in them. And excited people who are so spirited that their candle burns out even before they are half-finished need foods to slow them down. (Don’t tell them that I simplified it like this… πŸ˜€ ) But ayurveda is very complicated to learn. Pfffff….. Maybe I should just visit an Ayurvedic doctor, make it easy on me instead of wanting to do everything myself.

So now again I have 10 things on my plate that I think I need to learn and somehow I think I need to do that BEFORE I get myself a job – which is ridiculous because by now I sleep bad at night over how to make ends meet in 3 months to come. My procrastinating has lessened, I can think of things and do them now, when they are small. My spark plug is restoring but the next thing to deal with is shame, fear and guilt. And the realisation that my internal guide might say: it is not time yet (even though the Time will be there within a few days), but an internal guide might not know about finances – or?

Also I am taking the time, when I can handle it, to look into feelings of discomfort. Because they are a guide too. The things I SHOULD be doing. :-D. It works, doing those things relaxes me. There is nothing wrong with 80% of the should’s I experience. I was looking for the pressure of the shoulds to go away but they are actually very good indications of things that need to be done. It is my idea that after I actually do those 80% I might want to look at the 20% of unreal expectations. Which is probably impossible because most likely I will not be able to differentiate between the 80 and the 20 otherwise they would not be in the same basket anyhow. As long as the 80% has a function to fire me on, which I realise by now that they don’t because the BLAME me and make me feel inadequate continuously.

Pffff, running in circles. I am loosing faith in my approach of feeling my way back into life. Maybe running in circles is nothing else but energy having build up because it can not go out another way. Maybe I should do some cleaning. πŸ™‚

Running in circles because I don’t want to make a choice. As long as I don’t choose I am free. I spoke with a friend of mine yesterday, on romance. She said: I would love to be asked to marry by [insert description of prince]. But it never happened. I said: I have been asked 5 times (well, ringlessly probed) but I never said yes. The conclusion was: no matter with what idea you approach something, the results seem to be the same.

And I don’t want to say it because I get the feeling that I go off the planet here but: in the end it is all the same. Take away judgement, opinions, shame, guilt and then somebodies road is somebodies road. There are quicker roads, guided by that which is inherently good but even then, we will meet obstacles because nobody knows all about what is inherently good. What is bad has a function too. The circle of life does not stop after birth.

And just in case this vague insights are not true I think I might as well do my stuff on the earthly plane too :-D. I mean, I wasn’t put on this earth for nothing, I guess it should be an earthly experience. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit and that I got out of that dark prison.

I want: things to be simple

I need: to organise and make choices.

I take: nothing, don’t know what, see I need. πŸ™‚ I have started the alcohol desensitization again though. That is part of the deal: first you do 3 months of the test phase and answer questions and then you get access to the actual training that they think has most effect. It worked out I had been in the group of people doing the training that had most effect in the first place already. I like it. It gives me peace. And also, works as an indulgence in the religious version of that word: if I have not been thinking about being sober or filling in my life, I do a training session and I feel that I actually did do something. πŸ™‚ Good for the low days.

I hope I have not bored you out of your chair by now. It may sound silly but I feel there is a still hidden purpose behind this blog that I am not aware off yet and that at some moment looking back to a complete development of me is going to be important and that it is part of my path. I don’t know. I’m going to put it down now, but I feel I am an object of study for someone, maybe a student. Paranoia mixed with megalomania is my favorite state of being. πŸ˜€ Have I left the planet? Pffff, not sure. If I have it is important to note this down because there comes a time when looking back is going to be important. If it were a friend of mine saying this I would think she had lost contact with earth by now. Psychosis, that is what I would think and my state of being sort of feels like that. So if you are a student and following my blog as a study project, please leave a note :-). And then again…. it doesn’t matter what superstition things I have because it is not going to feed me when the money runs out so I might as well get my ass moving!

Does any of you have that feeling, maybe it is vanity even, to think that your blog, apart from it being important to me, and possibly, hopefully here and there to other sober or addicted people, that there is something else, another purpose? Or maybe it is easier to get an answer to that without first telling that I think that is paranoia, megalomanic or psychotic :-D.Β  We shall see. πŸ™‚

Have a nice day!

xx, Feeling

I did not fail. I discovered a 1000 ways that did not work.

Ha, I’m doing this writing standing again, moved my computer to the living room on a high table and remove the chair in order to (semi) naturally cut down my online time.

I’ve been eating rice, beans, vegetables, eggs and nuts for 2 days now. Diarrhea is back big time. Just going to let it be, see where it goes and how I feel in 2 weeks. I do feel loads better though, the difference is almost as big as quitting alcohol. Not sure if that is down to not eating sugar, wheat or dairy products. Don’t care yet. Feeling better. I cut out the wheat too because Doctor Mathews Larson (writer of the book ‘Seven weeks to sobriety’, she from the nutrients approach to addiction) says that a lot of people with an alcohol addiction have an (unknown) allergy to the product that their favorite booze was made off. That would be beer so there goes the wheat. Just see what happens, if I’m going to go strict I might as well exclude this category too. I’m having an interesting time looking at my cravings, but they are do-able. I make much more interesting meals now. Eating on the table away from distraction. Gooooood. πŸ™‚ Ooh, it is not a loose weight diet, it is a ‘let’s get clean and see what happens diet’.

It helps me very much in leaving things out of my life and focus on my new project – not gonna tell more about that untill it lands and grows somewhere. Well, that’s it. The wanting to do the diet comes from wanting to exclude stimuli, wanting quiet in my body. Not being dragged from one strong cup of this and that perfect Yoga tea to the other eco raw chocolate bar to the next lovely breakfast with superfoods and various Schuessler salts in between. Pfffff. Away! Away! Too many impulses. Cutting down on watching whatever Netflix and Facebook because I don’t want to be able to handle that anymore.

Nothing of these decisions are mind made, all of the are impulse made. It has something to do with listening to the ‘bad’ feelings too. I got to this point by listening to the good feelings, urges that were ‘telling me’ to take good care of me. Now I have come to a point where I can listen to the parts that say ‘stop’ too. Funny thing is that my hippo works very well with that. She is on a prominent place in my rooms and whenever I look at her I somehow project what I am feeling on her. So now she is saying: weren’t you cutting down on online activities? The sun is shining a little, it is time to go out. πŸ™‚

IMG_5061I will. There is SO much freedom in doing what is right. Damn! I never knew that. My favorite slogan has always been ‘Only dead fish go with the flow.’ Now I am perfectly happy not spending time kicking all the stop signs along the road. πŸ™‚ Ghegheghe….

I am happy that I quit. Happy that I get the ability to finally live.

I want: to go out and move.

I need: to breathe more and keep on going on finding my path. It has sort of become a daily thing. And thisΒ  with ‘every day is a new chance’ which is an awful clichΓ© – it is sort of becoming a truth. It includes that not everything goes right immediately. Which is also a very big truth. πŸ™‚ Now it is becoming a part of living instead of something that tells me that I should be ashamed. Many thanks to the Mr Kurtz video of a few posts ago. πŸ™‚

I did not fail. I discovered a 1000 ways that did not work.

I take: some Schuessler salts, not by reading text but by feeling them. There are those that confuse me and those that make me feel better. I choose the last.

Hope you have a nice day too! πŸ™‚

Bloodshot eyes

I copied this below text from a comment of mine on Prim’s post. She is moving into the podcast world :-).

My reply: Less internet… yeah, another issue of the week. I had a talk with my eyes why they are so red – like I am still drinking. 😦  And it went like this:
Hi eyes, how are you?
Not good!
You make me see things I don’t want to see.
Like what?
Like the computer all the time. You look at the mean stuff (Prison Break) and there is nothing I can do.
Is it not good?
No, it is bad for me. I was born to see beauty and life. Not mean people all day.

That actually made me look in a whole different way at watching TV or film. Sobriety: it is all about what I take in and leave out. I have a pile of books lying around (surprise!) and in order to relax or quit living I watch Prison Break. I think I need to start to zone out there too and move into another mode. Slowly, slowly though. Watching TV has been the pressure lock on the pressure cooker so I’ll let go slowly.

Slowly aligning with how I think we (I) were (was) meant to be. And funny, I never believed in this positivity stream of thinking and ‘you attract what you are’ but using techniques in there just ‘on feel’ I come to realise that it might actually be very helpful. Still not big on the ‘where there is a will there is a way’ aspect that is in there. I find it too assuming. But I do notice that it is easier to follow a good example or a good thought (Happy that I quit) and try to align myself with it than to try to figure out what and how and force my way into improvements of my life that I feel I can’t make yet.

I had a friend, she could only do things by gaining an insight – that would spark her. She could never just do stuff because she had to. I despised her for that. Sorry ex-friend. Now I understand. She quit a multi-drug addiction when she got to the part where she started using crack. Just quit just like that. It must have taken a MAJOR DECISION and loads of maintenance of that decision. I always felt that her energy for making decisions had been stuck there so she could not ‘just do stuff’ anymore. Like I now. And then she became very interested in personal growth. I guess I understand the importance of that now too. πŸ™‚

I need to go do stuff. The laying about after the admin was done yesterday has been ok. It did take almost 1 bar of chocolate but that is ok too.

I am VERY HAPPY that I quit. That’s it. Very happy that I quit. Jason Vale in his book ‘Kick the drink easily’ says something like: from day one start being happy that you quit. I thought; he know’s his shit, I’d better do that. So I actually have an egg-timer here that I set every 15 minutes. It has a little piece of tape on it saying ‘Relax’, ‘Check emotions’ and ‘Follow the plan’. The last one did not work but I guess I’ll get around to it in another way. By speaking with my eyes e.g. so they tell me to stop watching TV. Am I crazy? No :-D. I am feeling.

I want: to sort my life out and clean

I need: to get a job.

I take: I have viewed an interesting video online about Iodine. I think I have an Iodine shortage because the base of my neck was swelling slowly. It left when I started taking Iodine pills. Iodine is the mineral that helps cells to clean themselves up when they are old or the DNA is not good anymore. The thought was that lacking Iodine can therefore cause cancer cells to grow. Also, lacking Iodine causes fybrocystic breasts and breast cancer. I never knew what that was but I looking at the online photo’s I have that. No wonder my breast (yes back to the subject) are going south now I eat kelp pills and a cell salt that includes Iodine. The video doctor also said that we need at least a 100 times more Iodine than is advised so I’ll up intake of seaweed (brown rice with seaweed and fried egg – that’s an ok lunch) and see where it gets me.

Yes, yes, I’ll also check out what the effects of too much Iodine are. Iodine eats Selenium in the process so I’ll check out if this is included in the seaweed or that I need to add that. I would LOVE to get rid of the lumps in my breast that make every doctors eyes open up wide in a da-fuck-I-hope-this-is-not-cancer kind of way when I check in. My mother died of breast-cancer. It has been controlling our family since I was 11 years old. Hence the fascination. And I was bottle fed ;-).

And, in case you have read my blog a little longer you are starting to learn why NOBODY in my life actually thinks it is weird that I quit drinking. It is just another flavor of the season health thing.Β  Gheghegheghe…. they go like: ‘What is it you are not havingΒ  or not having this time?’

There comes a day that I will not be needing to create so much fog around me when it comes to health. I hope there will be a day that I can maybe finally trust my body will not give in ‘all of a sudden’ like it did with my mother. πŸ™‚ In between I will learn to focus my energy on HEALTH instead of being afraid that I get unhealthy. πŸ™‚

HA! Check this out!!! I wanted to add in a photo on swelling of the neck but instead found this: a swollen tongue! I have that but did not know what caused it. Works out to be caused by Iodine deficiency. Tadaaaa! Seaweed! Here I come!

Look and you shall find. Ask and you shall be given. Knock and you shall be opened.

Restoring the density of my personality

There is a new process going on, or I am noticing just it now. When I see other people who are addicted to drinking I sort of feel / think / judge 😦 ‘they are all over the place except where they need to be.’ Feeling through the process that I feel is going on inside I feel that aspect of alcohol addiction is slowly repairing in me, around me currently.

A few days ago I was totally of the planet with sadness of reading the blog from Brad (hi!), a young man who gave up on his detox (he’s back!!) to again walk the path of self-destruction. And what I got in the replies are variations on the serenity prayer. And that made me realise that I can lend my support, try to be there for somebody – but I can not carry it. Specifically when there is the North Atlantic ocean between us. :-/ I realised that just there and then and I felt my ‘aura’ – lacking a better word – shrink in width. That would be the megalomanic aspect of the addictive personality I am guessing.

And now I am facing admin 2014 and I worry about what will be – which I notice is counter productive. And I have pain about what has been – and I notice is it counter productive. In reality I have nothing but now. Exactly the place and time where I did NOT want to be when drinking.

But it is good. Now is good. I think I can deal with that. And if I don’t, drinking will never be a solution. So my aura, still lacking a better word, has shrunk in depth as well. That would have to do with the ability to process issues from the past and not worry about the future – both traits of an addictive personality.

And the last dimension: height. I’ve been speaking with the store man Friday. We worked through some I-Tjing (oracle) text that is (said to be) applicable to my life. He mentioned that it says that I go to extremes in my thinking and feeling and that this causes me problems in life. And that he had noticed that to…. That I need to find a middle road. And God! I love biology. Because this is the FIRST TIME in my life that I have been able to feel through that concept and accept it from somebody :-D. Yes, sorry to everybody that tried and got frustrated.

Note: I have also been takin those before mentioned tissue salts that have one salt that deals with people who go to extremes. So it might have come from two places at once. Aaah, that was exactly what the ‘solution’ to my problem was: sitting with it on the middle road. I guess my therapist (hi!) would agree. As would my family, deceased mother, (ex) colleagues, most likely all my former teachers, bosses, friends, neighbours, customers.

So, that is the ‘all or nothing’ aspect of the addictive personality. πŸ™‚ I guess it serves me well now I quit because in my quitting you might have noticed there is NO INBETWEEN either. πŸ™‚ I think I remember 1 or 2 posts out of 200 where mentioned having tiny cravings and there was no longing to go back at all. I guess this character trait made me lose it and now I use it to come back to life.

So, I shrunk in height, depth and width. I actually feel that happening around me and in my body and I wonder if that means that I will be losing weight ‘automatically’ too. I’ld guess those things are connected. Yes, yes, I know that is a strange thought. πŸ˜‰ Hey, this is my blog, ok? πŸ™‚

I am VERY HAPPY that I quit. It might sound like you heard it before or just a slogan but every time I write that down I do so because I am VERY HAPPY that I quit and I feel that joy – it equals, I don’t know, going to Disney land, age 10 or so. I feel freed. I was living in a cold and dark and lonely place. And I am out. I have a choice to live now.

I want: hahahaa, that I have my admin 2014 finished but that should be so at the end of this day.

I need: to keep my head together and do my admin one piece at the time, not lose it. I can cry but I need to keep breathing, take responsibility and stay with it. Aaah…. and if that not works imagine the store man seeing you unable to deal with putting some pieces of paper in order. Whatever it takes is what it takes. πŸ˜€ Yes, yes, extreme. Ok, so now I should learn not to cry and not to whip myself with nasty thoughts but sit with it.

Aah, hey, it’s just paper, it is all in the past, I can not change anything anymore, I do not have to get in a state. Breathe, breathe, ok, BREATHE, BREATHE! πŸ™‚

Have a nice day!

xx, Feeling

On feeling my way back into life and recognising discomfort, and a little on love.

I have been trying to feel my way through life, well, back into life after having lived destructively for years. And in the process I thought that good, positive feelings were the only thing to guide me. And I followed the good feelings. πŸ™‚ And it has brought me where I am now, 4,5 months sober and LOVING IT MORE THAN I EVER LOVED A BEER.

So, just by following the good feelings I am where I am. However, I have quite some feelings that make me uncomfortable. And after having seen the video on fixing problems and procrastinating that somehow included the subject alcohol too – I got an entry in procrastinating. I feel I put the brake on things because there is so much shit happening that I can not deal with more. So when I let go of my guilt about that I realised that there is a shitload of discomfort in me and…. that I don’t listen to it. πŸ˜€

So next, I realised that listening to the nice stuff is not enough. If I want to heal I also need to listen to and act upon that what makes me feel uncomfortable. Like the A-word, that would be administration in my case… Brrrrrrrr…… 15 Days left to do a whole year of VAT admin. Which is totally manageable when I start on time.

Recognising that I have these feelings of discomfort gives a lot of room inside. I do not need to keep the lid on anymore. So haha, did I clean my house? No, I started to blog of course :-). I did plant my Amaryllis and arranged a new, way cheaper phone contract.

I am VERY HAPPY THAT I QUIT. Best decision in my life. Good work.

I want: still want things to be ‘over’ so I don’t have to do the difficult stuff. And I want to go outside because the sun is shining and I need to pick up another book.

I need: dunno? I am reacting so positively to these Schuessler cell salts, maybe I should take the one that says: ‘makes you get a move on, for those that procrastinate.’ :-D. I imagine that you fall of your chair by now because you are surprised in a explosive way because I have not taken that yet. It’s too soon. I need to round off the circle of the blood pressure. Go to the GP, get checked, hand in the rest of my medication and have a ritual celebration. That probably includes buying something :-).

The path is the destination. This video was the second thing on my path today. Since I watched it the cat follows me around through the house and stares at me and wants to be with me :-). Dna, or at least cell changing breakthroughs are being made here. I thought I would share it with you. It is about love, I call it universal love. It’s about what I had thought up/feeled up on how it work following Ayahuasca session. But he says it way nicer. Enjoy!

Radical Self-Honesty by Tara Brach

‘Sir, what is the secret of your succes?’

‘Two words.’

‘Ok…. what are they?’

‘Right decissions.’

‘And how do you make the right decissions?’

‘One word.’

‘Sir, what it that?’


‘And how do you get experience?’

‘Two words.’

‘Sir, what is that?’

‘Wrong decissions.’

……And then on with accepting that we do make mistakes.

This is from Tara Brach in a video on Radical Self-Honesty. Enjoy.

And thanks to Losetheboozehealsthesoul for pointing me in her direction.

My present for day 100

I’ve got news. I woke up this morning and my internal voice said: You are a seer.

It rings true. Yep. And yep, it is totally useless for paying bills right now but it is good in a way. I finally know what I am. It sounds like a fucking lonely occupation outside society. How convenient. And nobody to contradict me. Even more convenient. πŸ˜‰

Having found this truth came with a very solid feeling of peace. And of course secondly I realised the uselessness of it when it comes to paying bills. Still putting sadness between me and the beautiful experience? Still, I am somehow happy I found it. Suddenly I know why things in life seems to always impact me more than others: I see differently, that’s why I feel differently. It has always been A Curse. Today it became (just?) Reality.

Did it happen out of the blue? Yes and no. Yesterday I finally, after 30 years (!!!!!) wrote down the visions that I have about the future that ‘ring true’. Every now and then I get this hunch, this idea that is planted in my head, or pops up, that has a great feeling of truth about it. Moments where I think; This is Important. Without fail these ideas will surface again as business concepts, as fashion, as interior designs, as pieces of art, as teachings in a suddenly popular book, as base for a new political party a few days, months or years later. So I guess I need to work out how much this feeling of ‘without fail’ is really true. Because it is possible that I lure myself into thinking I have this possibility while actually I might not. Well, the proof of the pudding is in the eating.

I once did an audition for a TV programme where I would get help to promote a business idea that I had. I did not get in and the people commented: ‘You should not be developing this specific idea, that is not where your strength is. You should be developing business concepts as a job because you have a gift for knowing what is to come.’ Soooooo, I know I have the magic, but how to become a paid coolhunter at age 44?

Other changes: thinking about the frequency of addiction has opened a whole new level of awareness.Β  Suddenly the way I conduct myself, the way I hide, the way I am not clear, all the mess in my house irritates me like crazy. Even the fact that I don’t edit my post, on which I used to pride myself (yes, sorry, ego speaking again) irritates me now: because it leaves me being unclear, it keeps me there where I do not decide.

And of course ‘things’ pop up. Today it was a small Facebook message through which I started to look for Jim Carrey and I found this:

My soul is not contained within the limits of my body. My body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.

Jim Carrey grew up in a situation so miserable that he started to entertain his parents to keep them laughing and happy. Hearing this speech of him I am guessing he is very familiar with addiction.

I also now know why I don’t like blogging anymore: I need away time from the frequency of addiction. I need to find places where the causes and results of addiction are not present and learn from that. Live there. So if you found that I have not been present in the blog world (sorry for assuming one would even notice πŸ˜‰ ), it is because I need to be away for a while to learn to live outside of the issues that come with addiction.

Back to my calling. How will I put this into work? I don’t know yet. But as Jim Carrey says:

I learned you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.

Which is how it is. I’m off to go do stuff. Find out if this is the omnipotence of the addict speaking, another way to keep me from doing what I do not want (admin!) or just truth.