Healing the shame that binds you

“Healing the shame that binds” you is the title of a book by John Bradshaw it is about shame and I am currently reading it. Or reading and sobbing or being all over the place is a more accurate description of my current state. Can I call that a state? Hmm, changing the subject again. Ok. Shame. It says shame, like all emotions has its function to keep us from going outside boundaries which are healthy. Shame in people with an addictive personality is the core position from where ‘they’ (i!) view the world. I guess this is true for me. How many times in this blog have I written something like ‘If I despise myself, at least I do something good.’ That would be living from shame. It sucks. But I need to because I can’t let go. If I let go terrible things happen. My corrupted instinct says I will be killed if I let go of shame. (And here I deleted a paragraph on the subject of sex and shame and being killed because I feel ashamed about the subject and the relation and because it might actually contradict something I wrote earlier and I do not feel like I can currently handle any more progressive insights.)

I got this book second-hand and left it outside for 2 weeks because it was formerly owned by somebody smoking the heaviest type of tobacco. Awful stench! Hello ex-book reader, fellow addict, hope the book helped you. 🙂

Earlier in the last 1,5 year I did a post on John Bradshaw and shame and guilt and gosh I disliked him. In his vids he preaches and I feel little acceptance and a lot of shaming going on. Still, what he says and writes is very interesting. Still, my not so humble opinion is that he has not done the last bit of the processing or healing of the issues because in the vids he still meets me as shaming.

Well, the above was written a week ago. Since then I have been paying attention to the shaming that goes on at my work. It is funny in a very sad way to notice that every ‘instruction’ we receive from our boss includes shaming. 😦 Not sure what to do with it. Some days I feel like I need to log it and think about it, other days I fear that logging would make me hang on to the issue. On the other hand: I would like to speak with her about this, some day and she will make minced meat of me (that would be a Dutch saying translated to English) if I do not show examples.

The other day, in a meeting, she told me that the colleagues who were not present dislike the fact that I speak with them. It felt weird, it felt like being lied to. I told her I would take it up with them. She looked a bit weird then, I could not place it. I was a little surprised because the girls and I have a lot of fun and this feels genuine. The next day my boss told the collegues what she had said to me. The collegues immediately came running to me to inform me that the have NEVER told her that or did anything to give her such an impression and that they appreciate the liveliness I bring. I believe them. It feels true, what else can I go by? So next when my boss, again, tells me to shut up because I ‘irritate the girls’ I informed her that ‘the girls’ had told me that they appreciate me and my ‘chatter’ and that they assured me that they never said anything to her about this. Boss was FURIOUS and said she would take it up with them because she did not like to be called a liar by them. I was a little detached, I was detached big time so the only thing I thought was ‘Well, maybe you should not say these things then.’ And continued working, did not give it another thought untill my male colleague cracked up after the boss left and said: “My god, DO YOU EVER LEARN?!!! You just called her a liar in her face with all of us here?!! No matter how right you are, she will get back at you.”

“Ooh yeah, ooh shit. Fuck! Hmmm, I just thought I would inform her of what I heard. Ooh shit, here I go again, this Don Quixote tendencies :-(.”

Yeah, in fact I did call her a liar in her face with others present :-(. Which is indeed, technically what I did. I guess what got to her is that I did not even show anger or irritation, I showed absolute surety might have upset her more. I don’t know, doesn’t matter. She did not get back at me. 2 Days later I got a new contract with the words “I can’t give you more hours yet but I can give you a raise.” Good enough for me. I’m not ready to go yet. I feel like I have not learned what I should learn. I need more organisation in my mind and it is time to do more complex stuff than I do. More time management of my/our production, more awareness. I find the fact that I only have to follow orders VERY luxurious. After having been the prime source of initiative in any job and in my own company for years, only following orders is so, so, so very, very comforting. Also: initiative is dead, or possibly resting. I think it is hibernating somewhere in the ground somewhere. It will come back to me, it needs rest. 🙂

Another wisdom on the work floor: One of my colleagues said the other day ‘I spent the whole Sunday afternoon crying because here I am, 44 and still at a lousy salary working for a boss I dislike.’ And I replied: “Yeah, sometimes life is like that. 😦 That is what it is. :-(” Which are actually his own exact words to me when I said something like that a few months ago. He nodded and I continued “I spend the whole weekend trying to figure out what I want from life. NOTHING!! Came up.” (Well, yes the chips and sex but I wasn’t going to say that, and that was the weekend before the other so technically I did not lie.) And he replied: “Well, maybe that is it then?” Which, true or not true, was a tremendous eye-opener.

Sometimes, when words are spoken my energy moves with them and him saying this made me internally topple over into nothingness because suddenly I realised there was indeed NOTHING out there. Because of the toppling over I had to refind my balance in the center again. So this tremendous emptiness I experienced threw me back into myself. I’m guessing, thinking now of what my therapist ones said, hope I do him justice in translating it: “Life in itself has no purpose, we have to make our own purpose.” Which I still hope is not exactly true but the effect is that it made me look inside instead of outside. 🙂 Haven’t found shit but that is ok/ok-ish/very frustrating.

Not sure where this needs to head or should or whatever, but realising that maybe, maybe, maybe I am not a person with a tremendously interesting life and future is something that I need to accept. This ‘tomorrow I will be fantastic’ mode has kept me looking into the future, floating on a false hope and irreality, feeling all succesful when no reason can be found connected to the real me in the real life. It is an addict trait connected to the wanting to feel normal and being special. Not sure how it works today. It would be where I write this very mediocre blog and still, somehow, hope that someone, somewhere may see that it is actually grandiose. 😀 Yeah.

So, future? No idea. I’m thinking I stay with this job at least till (A. if you read this, hold on to yourself now) the husband of one of my best friends has died and she is at least sort of settled back into ‘normal’ life again. He has cancer in a very advanced state, very little body weight and life force left. It is difficult to see how his, I don’t know, life force? personality? consciousness? is disintegrating. Like his aura is getting vague like a badly taken photo and it, well, flickers (is that a word?) on and off like bad reception on TV when we still had an antenna. I have seen this before with the eight other people in my life who have had a long death-bed but I drank it away. Seeing it now for real is confronting. Brings back memories of my mother, and the others, but mostly of my mother’s death. Adults of average length weighing 40-50 kilo and the presence of death and decay. 😦 It is tough. With drinking this is one of my biggest regrets: that I drank during the years that my mother was ill and leading up to her death and after. Not that I was drunk when visiting her. Well, I was once. But I drank the reality and discomfort away, and with that I flushed away my senses and the awareness of what was going on. I am sorry mom. I am so sorry. I wish I could have done it differently.

I am happy that I quit. Every morning I make my bed and I set my mind for the day by realising that I am happy that I quit. No matter what, everything would be worse if I had not. Well, I am pretty sure I would not have been alive today if I had not quit. Sometimes that is not good for a few seconds, but most of the time it is. I have realised that ‘wanting to quit it all’ has, over the years, become a standard reply to adversary. Which, I guess, in itself is something I would now call ‘a misunderstanding of Life’. 🙂 Like so many of my standard reactions and well, addiction in itself.

I need: whaa, don’t want to realise it but I need to do my finances. Check up on what has come in over the last few months. Don’t want to.

I want: some more money to have some freedom in ‘small’ things like going to the sauna. But I also realise that I think… that my relation with money should improve and that I will have money issues until I start to take it seriously and not be in denial about it. This is a thing where addiction is still active in my life.

WWAWWLHD: she would ask help with this. If she dared. Brrr, can’t. I did put up signs with ‘WWAWWLHD’ all through the house to again and again make me realise that I can make good choices instead of ‘just’ go along with my (destructive) tendencies. It worked very well for a few days. Now I don’t see the signs anymore, the belong to the furniture (another Dutch saying). So I guess I need to set the egg-timer to remind me. What I think is really funny about the ‘What would a woman who loves herself do’ question, is that at first I thought it would make me eat more chocolate, watch more Netflix and go to bed deep in the night. While actually it makes me do the opposite AND enjoy that. 🙂

I take: some Schuessler salts to lift my breasts. Ghegheghe, it looks like it is working. Don’t want to take them too often because I think I’m starting to find out that the workings of the salts are actually pretty strong in me and I lose balance easily.

On sugar: still eating chocolate and dates. I try to quit over and over again and it does not work so I let it be. Let’s see how this develops. There is one thing which has changed while sobering up: I can not force anything anymore. It is like all my decision power is stuck in ‘not drinking’ while actually…. I don’t really think I need that because not drinking has been, no guarantees, but it has been easy for me. Or maybe I can imagine I do not need it because I did pour everything I had in that decision. 🙂 Dunno. Is there anybody who recognises this or has something similar?

Ooh, thought on my life and future I want to note down. I think my inner most problems are actually my many abilities and my one ability to streamline them. My life force is shattered and not focussed. Working helps but I guess that at this moment I am ready for something more. More challenge. I do have doubts because I do not feel safe with my boss. I feel she likes to set me up for failure. Hmmm, we’re going to do a review any of these days so I’ll bring that up. I have no intention of hiding. But haha, this time I should take time to verb my thoughts better than the last time.

Aaah! The other day, my boss and I were speaking about my plans for Kings day (BIG, very festive national holiday): I told here I wanted to set up a stall and sell ‘niets is het nieuwe iets’ which translates into: ‘nothing is the new something’ and sell literally nothing. Small nothing for 1 Euro, medium nothing for 2,50, large nothing for 5 Euro’s and a sample nothing for 50 cents. I have a whole philosophy behind that which include terms like decluttering, tax- and worry free and a whole lot more. I love sales talks and I am actually very good at making up entertaining nonsense on the spot. Which is part of the flea market sales of Kings day. My boss looked at my like ‘You are every bit as crazy as I thought you were.’ and said: “If you make more than 10 Euro’s with that….” And I added: “You will double it?!” She grinned and said: “How do I know you speak the truth?”
“Well, you know me by now. I can not lie.”
“I’m thinking you are starting to learn that when it comes to speaking with me.” (which is actually an attempt I made some day to protect a colleague so yes, well, she knew I knew she knew I was lying so it was not actually lying…. :-D)
And I, in all my enthusiasm replied: “Ooh! Yeah! That is true! :-)” In a ‘glad you noticed my efforts way and continued: “I was thinking that would be good for me. Life skills, you know.”

Gheghegheghe…. She rolled her eyes. 🙂 Yeah, what can you say? I can’t lie, I can try, but give myself away when one asks if it is true. Ghegheghe, aaahrg… Life skills. I’m guessing she herself is so totally skilled in manipulating people who this guileless approach confuses her sometimes. I guess in that I do not take my job seriously. I do not want to have to plan, and set up a scheme and ‘when she says this I will say that’. I want to believe that this is a good thing but I am starting to doubt if it is not laziness or lack of focus disguised as guilelessness. Dunno, we will see.

‘Love’, sex, intimacy and loneliness are still big topics on my daily thoughts but nothing substantial is happening apart from that I sometimes, when I can, if I can, try to observe my presence in this and how I approach the subject. With vigour. 😀 Sigh.

Ok, wishing you a nice sober day/evening. Hope you are happy that you quit and if you are not: I found it very informative to check out what misconception of booze I have/had that is/was standing between me and sobriety/living clear/living. The misconception will show up when you can not be happy about it. It is possible that you think it is a real reason. That exactly is the trap. Alcohol is poison. Right at this moment I think: “I wish I was not so susceptible to is so I could phase out with a beer.” Which tells me that I am suddenly not happy that I quit and that my need to phase out is big. Alcohol was the tool by which I did so. So that what I think is my initial source of addiction ‘not really wanting to be here on this earth’ is showing up again. It normally does that when I feel pressure from the outside to do something I am scared of. Finances mostly. Finances to me are the absolute proof I am a failure. Maybe my fear of finances is not because of the finances but because of the failure feeling I associate with it. Ghegheghe, I check these kind of thoughts by tricking my mind into thinking that I rock! finances and yes, there it is: it are not the finances. If I would think I rock them there is no problem in picking up anything. So, it is the connection with failure. Hmmm… Don’t want to think more about this. End of the paragraph.

Again; nice day! 🙂

xx, Feeling

For when you are ready for step 2: weightloss

Hi,

Here another free online summit, this one on the subject of weight loss. Not sure if I will frustrate myself with it but the issue becomes more pressing for me lately. Or I am projecting my lack of ‘man’ on my fatty bits. 🙂

Anyway: enjoy!

I am so very f@cking happy that I quit. Today is 20 months! 🙂

xx, Feeling

Louis Theroux on drinking on TV Sunday 24

Dear UK people,

Louis Theroux has made a documentary ‘Drinking to Oblivion‘. I’m thinking we all know what he means with that title. It is on tonight in the UK, on Sunday the 24th at 9:00 (that would be 21:00 I am guessing). I would love to hear what you experienced. Not sure if I can find an online streaming thing to watch it too from The Netherlands.

I am HAPPY that I quit. Hope you are too. 🙂

xx, Feeling

What would a woman who loves herself do? She would love herself.

I just asked the Universe what I wanted from life. And I did get an answer, loud and clear.

Chips and sex. (and more but that only followed after accepting the chips and sex)

Ghegheghe, the chips have been consumed. And NO, this is not going to be a ‘moan about sex post again’. Sex is, well, as it is. Ok, 2,5 paragraphs, but they are less moany. I think/hope. Still don’t want to go out and do what I would need to do to get that ‘fixed’. Happy to say that lots has changed since the last post on this subject. Guess, looking at the almost total lack of replies to that post, you are happy too that things are changing ;-). Ghegheghe… yes, yes, sorry to make you feel uncomfortable. And: to me it is part of my process. Which is why I do not censor it. As said before: my blog is not one that speaks of the cakes I baked for the community. I’m not there to bake cakes for the community (yet?) but there is something NEW!!BIG! NEW!!

What has changed? Being able to let of steam of is the post of last week has been very good. It helped me to see things in a less ‘heated’ (?) mode which immediately opened my eyes to the reality of this world where I realise that I, when I am at ease, doing the thing a woman who loves herself would do, I don’t even fancy the person(s) whom I fancy/fancied.

It is so strange to really realise that his this ‘getting thrown around by overwhelming feelings’ is just another addiction (NEW!!). I see little difference between addiction to booze and addiction to what could be called ‘intimacy’ if it were not that the total lack of intimacy is required to have random sex with a random stranger as I used to have when drinking and sexing. Well, actually that is not totally true because I did bring a let’s make love approach to the bedroom.. Want to add here that it is actually easier to… I was going to write ‘love somebody who you don’t know at all than love somebody who you do know’. This got me thinking about 3 things. First: is it ‘who’ or ‘whom’? Don’t want to look it up. Second: how socially unacceptable, how misguided, how, how, how fix driven and socially inapt (? good word?) is that thought? Third: How amazing is this process of trying to un-addict and again and again walking, falling, stumbling into territory which I am so unfamiliar with. And the cool thing is that biology / spirit / The Universe makes sure that this all happens in time. Soooo cool. 🙂

Well, chips and sex. Guess I’m down in the pyramid of Maslov very much.

In spiritual words that would have to do with first and second chakra issues. I guess I could look into that. If I felt like it.

So what is the real theme here? Behind the getting worked up about sex. When I let go of those thoughts I keep on thinking that I do EXACTLY NOT what I want to do. Even right now with writing this. I have been overwhelmed so much by what has been going on that I forgot about ‘what would a woman who loves herself do’. I think, I think I am afraid of the answer. Because the answer is that I do not want to live like I do. Since I started using the ‘wwawwlhd’ question I have been looking for and finding open doors. When I don’t ask myself that question I tend to run into closed doors, into walls. Head first. And inside I keep on experiencing this enormous life force which is totally useless due to a lack of direction. Totally, totally useless and shit, because I don’t listen to it, it takes me places where I don’t want to go. NEW realisation. I should be taking Wild Oat from the Bach remedies. See if that helps break this pattern of loads of ability and total lack of focus.

I realise now that I, having not written for such a long time in March and that this makes that I am less aware of what has been going on inside.

Scary things happening right at this moment. I asked myself ‘wwawwlhd’ and I FINALLY ADMITTED (NEW!!); she would look up a function in her homeland to do some eco farming. So I hit the internet looking for eco farms in the region where I come from. The first page I find, actually from a place I know from earlier in life, opens with a vacancy for a farmer. How is that for synchronicity. Specifically because I had a conversation with a guy who wants to be a farmer this morning and he said ‘there are hardly any vacancies’.

Then again, how is this more true than the ‘Chips and sex’ message from above? Guess they are both true. Now what to do with it? Nothing. 🙂 That is just how it is. And here the pattern continues. I just vocalised what I want and am happy and in comes this familiar system of putting sadness between me and everything good to ruin the energy flow: “Wish I had not blown all the money I used to have, I could have done a down payment on the farm. :-(.” I guess I do that because I think I do not deserve good things.

Not drinking has given me the freedom to become aware of (destructive) patterns. I can not always change them yet but in time they become more and more clear. Life feels like walking on this see-saw; one moment I walk on the one side and then cross over to the other side. But by now I am becoming aware of it. And not drinking the confusion over it away. NEW!  🙂 I do eat it away with chocolate. That is NEW-ish too but even there are things happening. Aaah, I will NOW make signs with the question ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’ and hang them up in the house.

I hung up 4 signs throughout the house. It gives SO MUCH ENERGY! I’ve been cleaning all kinds of stuff which has been laying around for ages. NEW!!!! 🙂

So, on farming. Can I handle a small farm, with 20 something livestock and several hectares? Yes I can. Not on my own but I can. It is on ‘the other side of the country’ but big enough for friends to come over. This feels like a door which is open. I think I should pursue. Let’s see where this road goes. I open up FB and this is the first post I get. 🙂 I guess I am back on track. :-). I feel I am finally where I need to be.

Another piece of sadness popping up: the other side of the country is only 200 and maximum 400 kilometers in The Netherlands 😉 but because of the small distances people do not travel the perceived bigger distances so I am scared to move back to where my heart wants to live and lose my friends. Wow, I have made that decision to allow myself to want to go back. It sounds futile but allowing myself to want this is Big. Crying here. So long so much homesickness. Funny how big this denial is/was. Not funny. My heart feels like it is  resetting currently, it IS resetting and it feels like it is finally flowing again. Denying myself the love for my homeland. I never knew it hurt so bad. Not sure how to proceed but this revelation is important to me.

I’ll show you how beautiful it is! 🙂 These are a few photos but here is a link to the full Google search 

 

Allowing myself to want this is, well, it connected to so much. I feel I am allowing myself my true place in the world. Not the one that I thought I needed to have, not the intelligent, rich, capable consultant but me. 🙂 I feel like Fiona chosing to be the ogre. 🙂

Don’t read this paragraph. I only put it in for later reference. Continue the one below. It is sad and dark. Funny, the not funny sort of funny is that the actual place where there is a vacancy also connects back to the place where I overheard a conversation about sex (right back to the subject) which caused me considerable damage. In the country side it is custom for kids to bike to school in big groups of 20 to even 200 kids. The longer the distance, the bigger the group because more kids latch on. The two people upfront bike for about 5 minutes at the head of the group and then move to the side and back to let others catch the wind and so on. The stronger the wind, the less minutes at the head. My friend and I were biking in front of some guys who were discussing the weekend. A boy described ‘getting’ a girl who was in love with him and putting his hand down her panties and then he roared, full of despise:  “Whoah! She was WET!!!” and his friend even outdid him in despising her and answered: “Jeeeez, what a SLUT!” And it was decided, she was a slut, a whore, some ‘thing’ to be used and thrown away and they planned on getting the story out at the school yard. What I notice now is that even though I was no part to this , the experience is deeply embedded in my view of the world, men and sex. It is dark. I need to let it go. I want to let it go. I do not want to keep on latching onto that darkness of others. Out with it!

Soo… I’m back 🙂 You can continue here 🙂 I have written the above yesterday and I continue today. You know what? A woman who loves herself would love herself. ❤ NEW!!! Took me a while to figure that one out. 🙂 But I guess by acting upon what I felt like a woman who loves herself would do I now finally (?) start to internalize it. NEW!!! This sobriety thing is GOOD in so many NEW ways. 🙂

I have a kilo of eco dates laying next to me because the shop was out of the pound wrappings. Yesterday that felt like ‘safety’. Today it feels like ‘What?!’. I feel like I have shifted my core to the right place. My feet belong to my body now too. 🙂 My body is not a thing with additions like legs and arms anymore, it is becoming one. Wheeeeee! I think I have, partially possibly, let go of the need to punish myself. And yes I am/was scared because of all the free-floating going on inside since yesterdays revelations but I’m finding solid ground now after I sublimated the heck out if it while cleaning the house. Really getting into this spring urge to clean is WONDERFUL! 🙂

The need to punish myself. “If I punish myself, at least I am doing something good.” I feel me not losing weight has something to do with punishing myself. Suddenly, with the discovery of yesterday I feel that all these thoughts which were impossible before now come within reach.

I am happy that I quit. 🙂 Like really, really happy. 🙂

I want: to work on myself to become the best I can be.

I need: to continue to love myself and stay aware of what is going on.

I take: Schuessler salts 8, 9, 10 for/against urticaria/hives and haha, it is working! It is not totally gone yet but when I now scratch my arm with a pen the skin does not pop up anymore. Like this: (not my photo btw). I take salt 11 against hair loss and swollen breast thingies / lack of focus / detoxing / fear of failure / difficulty in uptake of nutrients

I am reading some extra info on Schuessler salt 11 Silicea and it mentions Menière, this ‘falling’ disease. Funny because since taking the salt I have the feeling that I suddenly could fall over if I just had not stopped myself from doing so. These salts, they are powerful. Dangerous thing is when you don’t have the correct amount/quantity it feels easy to overdo it and actually GET the symptoms/illness/imbalance I was trying to heal. I need to find some info on this balancing of the salts. I have noticed unbalancing happening after 3 times of taking them already. Guess I am sensitive but so sensitive? Wish I had the money to do a course in this. 🙂 Well, that needs to go on the to do list.

Again, I am happy that I quit. Hope you are happy that you (will be) quit(ting) too! Not saying it is easy but in my life not easy, reality and progress beat not easy, depression and regression.

Wishing you a good day! Happy that the spell check is back in WP! I’m gonna do some more washing and cleaning. 🙂 Sublimating the heck out if this spring feelings! 😉

xx, Feeling

Now that is promising :-)

How do people get to read my blog? Well, this was a search from yesterday:

And this one was from a few months ago:

 

Not sure if I’m actually attracting the right people….

And I am HAPPY that I quit! Hope you are too! 🙂 If not? Sort out what is missing.

xx, Feeling

 

 

Ogres are like onions, addicts too

Ogres, are like onions, they have layers. Addicts too. I have (again?) come to the layer were relation, intimacy and sex are SHOUTING AT ME! This post is pretty explicit, so if you are not into reading about sex and intimacy and how I try to figure out this so maniest layer of addiction I would like to propose you don’t read it. It is difficult for me to write about these subjects because I realise there is a lot of shame, denial and loneliness going on here.

It has taken me forever to write about this because I guess I prefer to be in denial about this and also because somehow I am more ashamed of feeling lonely than I am of being addicted/having been addicted. Still don’t know what to call myself. After the last post on the sexually laden (is that correct English?) atmosphere at the job I was all over the place.

Spring walked in and I got my mind on dick. At some moment during the repetitive work I do I realised that I am/was (?) very much ashamed of these overwhelming physical and emotional feelings. Remembering that being ashamed about drinking only made me drink more I wondered what would happen if I were NOT ashamed about having sexual feelings. Whoah! That somehow broke down the dam and more of the same came pooring out. Shiiiiiiiit. Well, again, like with drinking: if I want to learn how it works, get to know me I will need to learn to stay with it and observe it. That was the plan. Did not work out since I got thrown all over the place internally but I guess that was to be expected.

At first the this feelings rushed through my body like crazy, looking for every little corner in every most remote cell. I found myself looking for an ‘object of desire’ frantically. Sorry to have to tell you that there was very little personal about this. It’s like the smoking I used to do: we all sort of think there is this one brand that is truelly ours and then when I ran out of them I would just smoke anything that was available. It is a bit, well, aaarrrr, strange to realise that any dick that was not attached to a repulsive person felt ok in my mind. Sort of anybody who is not arsehole would do. Lucky me this sex thing involves 2 people and consent and ha, it was worktime so there was restraint required. Nice and handy to be able to work in my private corner letting things go without having to speak with anybody. 😀

There is however one guy at work, the one who lost boths his parents to murder, who seems to be very, very sensitive to any energy that goes ‘through the air’ but I’m thinking he is only aware of the sexual ones. No matter how much I tried to contain my energy he started eye-fucking me that same day and the next day came up with a proposal where, if I needed any ‘assistance with the sex thing’ he would be happy to provide. 😀 Ghegheghe…. I laughed it off. No matter however much I would like to grab him and drag him to my lair. His girlfriend has the same name as I do so I asked if I were to be Feeling 2.0 then. Serves him right. 😀 I mention the murder btw because I think it has made him extra sensitive for picking up energy. I’m thinking this changes a persons boundaries and vulnerabilities.

 

However, from that moment onwards the thought of he and I was like whoa!!!! racing through my mind and body. Again, back to the: let’s observe this, not judge, not try to push away. Go through it like the boy in the vid. All in all I’m guessing the not pushing away did not really work because my skin rash is getting worse. Funny thing, synchronicity working again: I picked up this old herb book and it said: urticaria (hives / nettle rash) is caused by suppressed sexual feelings; take Belladonna. The homeopathic stuff obviously, not the herb. The herb is deadly. It worked, for 2 days I got my mind and body sorted out and then I forgot to take it and was right back into this overwhelming sea of sexual feelings.

This has been going on, well on and off for several days now. It is funny how this works. Outwardly things don’t change. I know very well how to not act ‘excited’ and how to keep my cool and not react in a sexually interested way without offending anybody who is sending vibes and commenting. That is something I had to learn unfortunately. I learned at a very early age that I get in trouble if guys send vibes and I don’t react. The thing to safety is to get raped only a little by allowing them to verbally harass me because ‘they are paying me a compliment’. Thing is I can’t really always live with that and lash out because the truth is that they are not paying compliments, they are harrassing me. The guys at work, all but 2 of them mean well. And of that 2 I am not really, really afraid anymore. But it did take some down tuning of my position, some subversion (is that the word) to get of their radar.

The above paragraph shows some real fucked up thinking. I am not sure if this is how it works. Thing is, in my mind it is true and always has been. I relate freedom to rape and subversion to safety which makes me REALLY REALLY angry. And sad now.

Inwardly things were in a turmoil and that does send vibes; I have 2 fifty plus collegues, one almost sixty. They are Asian so usually they are very, very composed. Lately they start making all kinds of sex jokes and they have decided that some collegue of mine and I fit together very well. They are fantasising about the wedding and they asked him if he likes me. The fact that he said ‘No’ OBVIOUSLY is the proof that he DOES like me. :-)))))) That kind of thinking leaves me with nothing to say: highschool all over again. I tell them not to get their hopes up because he is or I are not interested and they smile their polite, sweet, hopeful smiles and say “Do not worry, you wait, there is time.”

From that, well day onwards I’m hoping however that he does like me but realise it is sex-drive fucking me up. He however knows my faults too well and is very apt at listing them; thinks too much, way to critical, control issues, doesn’t know what is good for her, is not focussed, unable to run her own life, arrogant and also: very impressed how you have left all that stuff like smoking and drinking behind. I overheard him say that he will never ever start a relation at the workfloor again. Ooh, by the way; everybody has been saying that he likes me since the beginning. I never took that seriously until I fell in lust with him the other day. 😦 Explosive situation: suddenly my treacherous mind jumps to the conclusion that we MUST make a PERFECT match. If only: he would stop smoking and smoking pot and blablablablabla. Ooh yeah, ex alco and current pot smoker, although he told me a week ago he was quitting. I gave him the link to the online desensitization program and a get well gift in the form of the book of the Alchemist by Paolo Coelho. Why? Dunno. Felt appropriate and I had 2 of them. Dunno. Lust driven.

The other day a friend of mine came over at work. She is tall, skinny, very pretty and fashionably dressed. I showed her around and introduced her to the staff. Afterwards one of the nasty guys said “Was that a friend of YOU?!!” I took it that he found the difference very big and almost impossible. Anyway, no matter how he meant it, it hurted. 😦

It is embarrasing to list all of this. I feel so childish and I continuously feel like I have to choose between living in denial about having ‘fallen in love/fallen in lust’. I put this between brackets because I don’t know wether it is about love. I’m thinking it is more about sexual drive and imagined availability. Not so much soulmates (which is I guess something I don’t believe  in) but people who happen to be in the same place at the same time. That is different.

Weeks ago, before all of this started somebody joked about him liking me and I joked back “No, he doesn’t!” (Moaningly)
“How come? What happened?”
“Well, I asked him to turn on the radio and he told me to do it myself???! So OBVIOUSLY he does not love me at all. Imagine, having to switch on the radio myself! :-(”
At which he replied: “Hey hey hey, I never loved you! Well, of course I love you as a collegue but nothing more than that!”
At which I said: “You see?!! Told ya!”

This left my collegue looking totally surprised because she and my boss had been making jokes about him and I continuously and I’m guessing they did/do (?) feel that there is something there. So I replied: “Shall we run that by you again so you can tape it for the boss? We are happy to repeat if that is of any help?”

Again, it is strange to write about this. The whole place is so loaded. The other day my boss was said to be play acting how one of her employees (the one she fancies) likes his women (wife and one night stands!) in bed. Doggy style with her buttocks high in the air, waist tilted and him slapping her gluteous maximus. So there she was: on the table, in a mini skirt, on all fours, slapping her own ass.

This is an edited post. I am already trying to sort this issue out by writing about it for several days. This morning I was sitting at my desk thinking ‘I don’t know what the fuck to do with my life.’ I have finally come to a point where again I can relax after work and do stuff for myself. And I don’t do shit. There is nothing I want apart from reading and writing, eating, sleeping, cleaning and patting the cat. Ooh, and a warm hard, well, you know. Now when re-reading the paragraph above this one I realised that I am EXACTLY where I need to be to deal with what I need to deal with. I need to find a way out of my victimised idea of sex into a healthy idea of it. What is in the way is The Way. (Still need to get that book)  Aaah F! Synchronicity making fun of me; there I go searching for Mary O’Malley in an online bookstore, the author of that book and the first titel that shows up is ‘The boning hall’. SIGH!!!! Guessing this is a different Mary, or not, maybe I only know one meaning for the word boning. Dunno.

Ok, guess it is time to deal. Maybe, just maybe I can not really heal sexually if I do not myself get a healthy idea of sex. Ooh, yeah, that was the proposed music for the proposed sex date; ‘Sexual healing by Marvin Gaye’ with the collegue who was ‘offering’ ‘himself’. Ghegheghe…. He’s a little too sensitive to make me feel comfortable.

Hmm, the other day I was thinking that a little denial is a good thing :-D. Ghegheghe, people are so FUCKING WEIRD!!! Sorry for the language, goes with the territory. Imagining walking up to a collegue and say, just out of the blue: “If you are looking for a little action just call on me, we’ll make it a nice evening, put on some music, that Marvin Gaye song…. ” Just because you FEEL they are in the mood. That’s what he did. It is A-MA-ZING to me. And then obviously I laughed and called me Feeling2.0 (because his girlfriend is called Feeling too – well, she has my actual name) Blaahblablaah.

What I did not write about yet is that when I allowed myself to feel and let loose all this sex drive in me I realised that I have been made to feel ashamed about it all my life. As a little girl (like 4 years old) I already knew that my mother wished and needed me to reign in my drive. I have always gotten the impression that she found it and me ‘too much’ and that I was ‘way out of line’ with anything physical. Well, I guess I was an addict already then: no amount of cuddling would ever satisfy me. My mother once told me, at age 30 something that she put a stop to cuddling  ‘Just to show me that things can’t last forever!’ and that she regretted that later because she wished she had supplied me with what I as a baby thought/felt I needed. 😦 What I wondered: I feel like with physical needs I am this bottomless pit. Not that I am a nympho, never was in any relationship, but I hardly ever really really experienced the rest I imagine that comes with having ‘had enough’ like I had when I quit drinking. The last night I drank I drank so much and I was sure realise/create this feeling of ‘having had enough’ because I knew I could only then quit. I do experience orgasms obviously, guessing otherwise I would gheghe, not be so inspired about the whole subject – but it is not the most important. What I am looking for in sex is the experience of not being bound to my body, of mixing entities and feelings, for the ‘becoming one’ – not so much ‘in the flesh’ as in the feeling experience. I look for not being worried, for not thinking only feeling.

Pfff, well this is as far as I got: let go of the denial, then realise it there is a lot of guilt involved, then sitting with it an realising that the vibe of sex has a BIG influence on people around – whether I act upon it or not. I feel/felt like this walking time-bomb of lust. Don’t want to explode, don’t want to implode either and I don’t want to surpress because that seems to be bad for the nettle rash. Gheghehgheghe, well, hence the writing. I have also been taking Schuessler salts for/against the rash, thinkin it is working since I have not seen it for 2 days and when I now scratch my arm it does not turn red and thick immediately.

Also, also… on the other side of learning about all of this in order to understand and maybe find a healthy way of working with this. A friend said: “Well, just sublimate the hell out of it!” Ghegheghe, I tried. Not working yet. 😀 Well, again, on the other lighter side of trying to feel and understand there is this bottom dog approach where I try to be prettier. I have been searching for Schuessler salts to make me so :-(. Yeah, feeling ashamed to say that. Things like large pores, resting bitch face, dog ass mouth, drooping eyelids, under eye bags, cellulite, sagging breasts and wrinkles are very much a of lack of nutrients. Replace them timely and the process reverses. I’m thinking that if one starts later the reversal will not be total but I’m trying to sort out what I need now to look prettier. Don’t say looks are genetics: bad uptake of nutrients is also genetical so looks caused by bad uptake too. Yesterday really it really hit me. Specifically after my boss said; “Goddammit, I need a hot, sexy woman in the workplace!!! So you go dye your hair and shape up!” Not sure why, I guess she somehow thinks the guys will work harder if I were to be hot and sexy. Is this a crazy world I live in? Yes, I don’t even realise it anymore until now while writing it down. Well, I played it cool, told her “Don’t wish too hard.” with a serious face, halve grin, no eyes involved as if it were a business advice, which it was actually.

And internally? Internally I cry and feel insecure and I don’t want these comments to get to me. I wanted to tell her to lead by example and I would see if I could follow. But she’s the boss and would, well, obviously take that as an insult. Which is how it is meant obviously. I am starting to wonder if she is actually sane. The boys say she is not. I think she is just overworked and caught up in her powerplay, seeing no normal way of connecting anymore.

Well, getting pretty. I guess that would mean shaving my legs, and my armpits and my nether jungle. I have not been doing so since last autumn because I like it this way. Makes my body feel better. 🙂 It is actually VERY nice to feel the wind move the hair on my legs when I stand on the balcony in my bathrobe. I read this article where they say that native Americans don’t cut or shave so they stay in tune with their feelings. Hair (to them?) seems to be the outside version of nerves. I like that thought so I thought I would give it a try. I am pretty sure my sexual feelings and the way I pick up on the horniness of some of my collegues has to do with that. And, as with the bookstore man at the time he was interested in me, once, long ago, for a few days. It keeps me from thinking I can do stupid things like thinking it is a good idea to take somebody home. Sometimes I think that would be good for me. Most of the times I think I am in no way ready. And then when I feel ready I face myself in the mirror and feel ugly and fat and know that I am, in no way ready. 😦 I hate this destructive living I do here. I like how I try to deal with it, thinking, well, hoping that I am brave. But sometimes the loneliness of it all creeps up on me and I have no clue, no clue what so ever what the heck to do with my life. I feel so lost. So out of place wherever I go. I guess that is what I feel my boss is trying to do to me: to make me feel like I don’t belong. She herself told me that she only hires people who she feels “Have less chance somewhere else and I actually only hired you because you took all the effort of writing a letter as well so I thought you might actually be serious.” I thought it was pretty condecending and pretty narcisistic too when she said that. I just replied with: “Well, you have a very strong team here.”

The other day I spoke with my SIL, she asked me how I dealt with the insults my boss hands out. I told her that from the moment I realised how bad it could get and how badly my boss could hurt me I have decided that I allow myself to quit immediately. Dutch law allows bosses to fire somebody immediately, like right on the spot for cases like theft, grave insult, (sexual) harresment, repeatedly  (!!) showing up drunk or under influence after (!) having had a warning and refusing to do work assigned for which one is contracted. To make the situation liveable for me I have decided very early already that I would resign on the spot and walk out if I thought I could not deal anymore. Ooh yeah, in an idea of ‘equal rights’ Dutch employees have the same rights. So if the boss gravely insults somebody they may walk out immediately. Not sure if they are then entitled to benefits though. Don’t care. I can not financially afford that but when the first things started hitting the fan I realised that I needed a back door in order to keep me emotionally safe. This realisation that I can walk out any moment is the back door. My SIL actually seemed to understand. I was happy about that. 🙂

Wanting to go back to what I learned. I learned that sexual drive is big and overwhelming in me. That eventhough I do not act upon it it still influences people around me who are sensitive to it. I guess I have always known that. And I need to learn to understand that but the guilt I feel over it keeps me from doing so. What would a woman who loves herself do? She would let go of the guilt and enjoy the liveliness of it all, not bother about her weight, bodily hair or looks unless she would feel better with changing them.

I am happy that I quit. Gosh, imagine me in this mode and drunk. No, don’t imagine me in this mode and drunk. I AM FUCKING HAPPY THAT I QUIT! Don’t know where the hell my life is going but for now it is off to bed. 🙂

Wishing you a very good day / night and wonderful sober sex! 🙂

xx, Feeling