When will somebody find me?

This week I found a lost girl, 6 years old, she had ran away. Guess I also need to say that I brought her back where she belonged :-D. Today I spotted the 5th (?) lost cat since I came to live here 12 years ago. I took my own cat in from the street here. The cat is also happy that I quit :-). Sitting in the communal (is that the word?) garden trying to connect to the stray cat: ‘When will somebody find me?’ Think I have done too much bonding to the stray already since I am sad and lost and lonely. I would really like somebody to put me together again when I fall apart. Not sure if that is a good relationship description though…

Worked today, working 5 days a week fulltime due to other peoples holidays. I’m in a different position now, I need to do a lot of counting and calculating of the top of my head. I am pretty good at that, or must say: I am pretty good at that when I am not under pressure. This job IS under pressure. I screwed up big time today. My boss says she will replace me tomorrow afternoon “Not because I think you do a bad job, but because I can not afford to have things turn to shit when I am not here.” Which I understand. But it feels not good. I think she meant it.

I did such stupid things today. And when I said “Sorry for botching up you going home early” He said: “I do not mind, you are new at this.” I could not believe his words! Ever since the last post I have been struggling with the concept of doing things wrong and NOT beating myself up for it. I NEED that because the beating myself up actually takes energy I do not have with the lingering concussion and the not so lingering  but very present: “I do not want to be alive because I am scared to do this wrong.” The stupid thing is: I am well educated, this is an un schooled job. I have difficulty doing it. Not because I can’t, but because I am afraid I can’t. So, I have good practise every day to ‘be in the moment’ otherwise I screw up. Every so many minutes I have to fight the urge to run away. I guess this is how I have learned to deal in life, I guess this is what I need to change. My head keeps singing “I don’t want to be here.” That is not only about the work I fantasise I do wrong but it is also about life. I go through life while not wanting to be here. I think that is my biggest karma issue. All the first chakra things I botch up.

And I can write about this on end but I need to get to bed if I want to be performing tomorrow. 🙂 And I want to. I want to learn to do this right because it is practise in wanting to be here, in this life, and to keep my head clear, not zone out, not fade out, not well, not that. I want to be clear. Oooh, I so do not want to be clear. Well, that. CONTINUOUSLY. :-D. Again I am exactly where I need to be.

I am happy that I quit. Damn I would have eeeeeew, drank a lot today if I had not. Brrrrrrr, nasty. I’m off to bed. And no chocolate btw for today! By the time I was done with the stray cat it was too close to bed time to have any. I checked with the woman who loves herself and she says that going to bed is more important than the spell check and editing. Hope it is not too horrible.

I hope you are happy that you quit too. 🙂

xx, Feeling

The price I pay for staying in lalaland

These last few days I have been very much confronted with the price I pay for having stayed in Lalaland too long. The above picture is one of lalaland, sort of how it came to me in an Ayahuasca session. I guess what hurts me the most is that, as I wrote this morning, I did not properly say goodbye to my mom. Well, of course I was sober when with her, apart for one time :-/, but I feel I did not get to let go of the grieve correctly. When she died I was already addicted. Which is easy to say because I was addicted from drink one. I think around that time I drank 3-4 nights a week 3-4 pints. With ever so now and then waaaaaay more. I notice that there are layers within me that do not know she’s dead yet. That hurts.

And I feel guilty I blew a fortune of halve a house on what worked out to be ‘trying to set up a company’ in a consumer goods. I am not a flashy consumer marketer. I am an engineer. I should stick with that. Two third of that money was inheritance and one-third of that money was my own but still… I blew it because I was drinking. If I was not I might have pulled the plug out earlier or worked on it more effectively.

Because of the moving into another line of work I let go of my old contacts and network. Not smart. And now I feel too ‘labelled’ with misfortune (and my own label ‘alcoholic’ or ‘addict’) that I do not have the guts to contact them. I guess it will take time before I feel sure enough on my business feet to face these people.

I wrecked my body but what worries me more is that I wrecked my brain. I’m not sure if it is really damaged but I still have this addicty attitude of ‘not wanting to be in the moment’ and I think because of that I register things badly. And I feel so insecure about it that it cripples me when speaking with people of my profession.The price I pay.

I also feel guilty of drinking when the cat got her litter. I had promised myself to not drink 10 days around her date but I made it to day 4 and then drank 2 days half and the 3rd day I had 3 pints and they were born that night. I felt so guilty about that that I was stressed and that stressed the cat too. She was doing fine and suddenly she looked up to me totally insecure asking me ‘What am I doing wrong?’ I immediately realised then that I was just radiating insecurity and fear and she picked up on it. It did teach me a lot, and nothing went wrong but still. It was not good.

And I did loads of stupid things when I was an angry young women. Mostly self destructive stupid things but no matter what, that dragged people around me into the atmosphere of my addiction too. Now I’m just an angry older women.

That’s another point: the not processing of emotions. I spent thousands on therapy and courses which, I don’t know but I guess they would have been twice, three times, ten times as effective if I had not drunk. Not that I drank during the day, but sometimes, with difficult things, I would drink the evening before and the evening after. So… I know now that takes away from the learning effect. Then I just wanted to ‘feel safe’. Which is the nice version of ‘not feel’. And there’s more, but this is a difficult post and I just want to get to bed.

I fear: everything I take: nothing I want: to sleep and not wake up. Wow! (No, not really, just mentioning a tendency, what gets reflected back when I ask. Strange day it is today. I am at 11 or 12 days no sugar and getting bored with what I am eating because I’ve lost interest due to the lack of cravings because I now have a (more) stable blood sugar level. Also, I shop cheap in order to safe money so I don’t get all the tasty expensive stuff. I need to look into that because I have learned that this boredom is the beginning of something bingy coming up. Yes, something bingy coming up: somewhere at 17:00 ish I decided that I had earned sugar. I found that a funny addicty description but I took ginger ale (ale, not the cordial) 1/5 and mixed it with sparking water. I took one sip and felt it going down and it felt bad. Bad, bad, bad. And that is the price I pay for being in lalaland too long: weird shit going on with my health and not enough intellectual stability to deal with that.

Funny enough something in me (it felt like my body) was trying to convince me to take it and I wondered, is this how it would feel to drink alcohol? Feel stupid, feel that it is wrong and still want it? I stuck with the ‘how does it feel’ and put the glas away. And haha, there it comes: I picked it up just in order to see if it still tasted bad. Now THAT is familiar, but in my life only recognisable in others: this is how little kids learn. Tell them they are not allowed to do something and they will test another 2 times if you were serious. Somebody once told me that is not lack of respect or being stupid, it is just how we are wired.

So, I sat down, seeing what would happen, trying to inform myself that sugar is not the same as alcohol and that I should wind down. Did not work. Then I realised that this ‘lapse, relapse, collapse’ thought has very much settled in my brain against my will. I fear that thought itself. Like walking around with a time bomb. I have difficulty dealing with it because it undermines my idea of control (very addicty) but yes, it undermines my idea of control and that is very uncomfortable when it comes to booze. But while I was trying to think, didn’t go very well because of the fear, I wondered: ‘What if it were alcohol? It is not even alcohol and you have difficulty putting it away even though it does not go down well at all. You have tasted it, found that it was foul and still you are yearning? What is going on?’ (parts of me speak to me :-D)

Nothing big happened there apart from me realising that I did think it was awful so why the heck would I drink it? I did not. It did not bother me anymore after I connected with how I had felt. I guess I should practise that because it feels like there is truth in that.

So, I had a shitty day workwise, I DELETED a file for a course / book I had been working on for a few hours. I mean, last time that happened was when I was, what 25? But then found a better way to do the file anew so that was fixed in no time. Maybe that was good, but it did not feel good. I was very tired after that. I think it was good I had the reconnect to feeling with the sugar drink experience. Even though it does sound I have gone over the top with my food things. You know, I do think that I have, but I feel I am not there where I need to be with my health so I continue searching. I do want to get rid of the worries about it, trust my body, but that is hard.

I am happy that I quit in a sort of obligatory (is that the right word?) way. Not really feeling it. That is because I feel little progress. Which is why progress is good. When I feel progress I feel alive and I don’t worry about the happy or not. Meh, too tired, need to get to bed. And again I did not get to the 3 things good. Isn’t that… informative. Another good thing: the cat is going outside again. No, a thing about me. I enjoyed a real nice apple today. 🙂 It was an ecological Granny Smith from Italy. I normally only like these when they are from Argentina, in the season, but this one was very good. 🙂 And I guess that detailed moaning and comparing is making me miserable. Pfffff. I should practise enjoying good things.

Hope you have a GOOD day or evening. 🙂 xx, Feeling

Physical and mental changes part x

I haven’t been writing a lot and I guess that has been because something inside has settled. On the 30th of December I went to a wise woman, the mother of a friend of a friend and former therapist who is/was specialised in Bach Remedies, Schussler salts, Tarot, Homeopathy, chakra reading and healing and several other things. I went there because I felt one of my issues with planning and not working things through or finalising it is actually a chakra issue.

She told me something about disease and alcohol and said: ‘There is nothing wrong with partying ever so now and then. Shake stuff off, wake up in a new day. But doing that on a regular base is destructive. What you did is leave  the door open for too long. So it does not close anymore. If you drink now, you will go all the way.’ I needed to hear that in these words to understand how it works energy wise. And now my substance addiction has a place in my brain: it is an open door to a world where I do not want to go and I have learned to walk past it without going in.

She also said: ‘You have quit, I think that is marvelous, it is so amazing to see people quit their addiction. Now make sure you move on with your Life because that is what you came for. You left the alcohol behind you, also leave that life behind you and stop berating yourself over it. Continue living. All in all, it has been important but it is only one door, you won’t go in there anymore and there are a million of opportunities in life. You came to this world to live, not to look  back, stay stuck and hang around in something you actually quit.’

Hearing that changed things inside me then. I feel like I can actually look into the world again. And the mentioning of ‘it is only one door’ made me realise that, even though it is a very good idea to stay away from that door; the universe is bigger than only my alcohol drenched past. And since then I did not feel so much like blogging and somehow I found back my ability to do stuff and my trust in me.

She gave me one of the Schussler salts too. It works miracles on my blood pressure and sleep. With the first pills I could actually feel my muscles relax through my whole body. That has not happened since, well, I don’t know. It feels like 10 years or so. That was marvellous, and NO WONDER I have high blood pressure. The relaxing helps me realise when I get into a state. So that’s good too. I got some other salts too for things I feel I am lacking. But more on that in another post.

All in all, the understanding of addiction through the image of the door, the salts, all of it somehow finally helps me to do stuff. Like cleaning up without moaning about it, actually even liking it and….writing letters of application. Yes! I did send out 2 applications. What?!! Yes, I did! I had till the 5th of January to react so it finally went out on January the 4th, 23:56 hours, but I did it. YEAH!!!!!!  NEW!!!!

I spend days and days behind the screen crying over my lost past, writing my CV and being happy about all the experience I have and then crying about me having wasted it all and feeling unable to do something with it and back to feeling happy about my experience. Mood swings, but healing now. I took the time to see where I started to berate myself and where I would put an effort in feeling way, way better than my peers.

I also screwed up my chances at the 2nd job forever by calling them with questions about the vacancy. It had a title ‘coordinator’ and ran 3 pages (!) from ‘being superbly technical’, ‘absolutely creative’, ‘cleaning machines’, ‘customer contact’,  ‘setting up educational material and giving courses’, ‘drawing up contracts’, ‘managing the staff’ and ‘organising events’. HR most obviously did NOT have a look at this; when you take that seriously they ask for 4 different people in one. I am smiling at that now and but when having the conversation with the head of the department was there in my tone too. So I can screw the 2nd job but I did send out the letter and that is GOOD. I do see now how I get attracted to a function in an environment that puts out a vacancy for somebody that ‘can do everything’. My delusional self would think that would be me.

And I was going to write a whole theory on disease here, but I don’t feel like working it out.

What I want: I want life to be easier than it is. But that is BS because loads of people have it harder and I am EXACTLY at the point that my life is all about: finally dealing with negativity, presentation, contact and reincarnating, finally dealing finances – not always making enough to not have to worry about it. That is not dealing.

What I need: follow my path and get rid of my blood pressure medication and to get back to exercising at least an hour a day. I’ve been doing half hours for the last 3 days. I came from 1 * 50mg and am at 2 * 12,5mg now since yesterday. Haha, I can feel how it used to dampen my responses to stress because I get road rage again while biking. 😀 Ghegheghe, dealing with that too ‘Getting angry or stressed out is not going to get you there any sooner. You might as well relax and enjoy your ride, wouldn’t that be much nicer?’

Also changing: I have actually, for the FIRST time in my life said to myself ‘You may want some more chocolate now, but how will you feel in 15 minutes? This stuff makes you feel bad in large quantities.’ NEW!! NEW!!! It’s not even about the chocolate that is new, the whole concept of thinking ahead and ‘battling’ with a desire is new. Well, in this way it is. Saying that, I suddenly don’t know how I quit drinking. Aaah, I did not reason with me. AAAH, NO WAY! No reasoning with addiction. Addiction is as addiction does. No use in reasoning with it. :-D. Well, the other thing is NEW and I felt so adult suddenly. And American! Because I only know this line of thinking from American tv series :-).

Also new in the Should situation: I have taken a strict approach to dealing with stuff. When I catch a ‘I should actually….’ I tell myself either to do it or to stop worrying about it. That creates a lot of clarity in my mind. NEW! And it makes me realise that I obviously can not do everything that I want in a day. NEW! The ‘I should’ issue can only live in an environment of arrogance where I think I can do anything. I can’t, but even when writing this there is this voice saying: ‘Pfff, of course you can, you just have to put yourself to it’. I want to believe that. When drinking I did believe it. I guess that’s how I ruined my business: not doing stuff and still thinking I could. That is a NEW painful insight. Brrr….

And I keep on apologizing to my mother on blowing her inheritance money and my life but it does not work because I am still angry with her over not protecting me. And there is something funny about  that sentence / concept of thinking. That is another subject for another day.

Another thing; food has lost its fascination. Don’t know how that happened but I get irritated over ‘having to eat’. NEW!! Let’s see how this progresses. I have a chocolate bar in the cupboard, it has been there for 3-4 days now. If I feel like it there is something that says; ‘You could also have a tangerine if you want sugar.’ NEW!!! WEIRD!!! Might have to do with now I move on from being ill that I do not need rewards anymore. Not sure. Actually I expect this disinterest in food to change back to ‘normal’ pretty soon.

What I need: what I need is more joy in my life so I signed up with a group that plays board games. Nice, nice. It is open to kids as well so I am guessing it is alcohol free. And if it is not? Ha! More chances on winning! :-D. The Facebook group is really nice. A guy telling about a dream he had on new game concepts and people being excited about the first after Christmas gathering so they could try out their new games. Nice! I am excited.

What I also need is to continue my road and start dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s. But since the talk and the Schussler salts there is finally something in me that wants to return to society. Now I am sober the world does not look half as bad as it did before. 🙂 NEW!

Very fucking happy that I quit. Sometimes proud of it. Finally proud of the approach I take to being sober: this constant self-care in tiny details right up to the border where I can still handle it. I still feel I am going (too) slow but if I just start with something, even if it is slow, then I will finish one day. And that beats not starting.

Hope you liked reading this. I am guessing that the longer I do not write, the longer the posts are.

Have a nice day. 🙂

The bad AND the good.

Sad today. Sad, frustrated and ashamed about me being angry, well, it seems almost all the  time. I don’t know, anger is just overwhelmingly big right now. Christmas time. Thinking about Christmases past with both parents drinking and continuously bickering, arguing, fighting. My mother used to get uptight already 2 weeks before Christmas and the tension in the only eased when the tree was broken down. It was my birthday in between. I always felt that everybody thought is was very inconveniently planned. All along everybody tried to play happy family. Sometimes we were.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I carry a lot of anger in me. In comments here people have called me ‘honest’ and ‘courageous’.  Today I translated that to ‘too angry to be polite’ and ‘too angry to pay attention to the damage I could do to myself’.  Can’t take a compliment. Next I figured out that I can’t take a compliment. Still put sadness between me and all that is good. It has something to do with that middle place I can not find yet: there were everything just IS. And not the bottom where everything is horrible, or the top, where everything is fantastic. I think it is a very addictive things to look for those extremes. I actually find that I internally guid myself towards either of them. Only dead fish go with the flow. That actually has been my motto for a silly 20 years or so. By now I wish I still remembered how to go with the flow. 🙂 Ghegheghe… and then I hear the trees in the park speak to each other ‘Humans, and all their opinions…. what a waste…’

About anger: I need to learn to recognise it now I am soberish. No not drinking, but I feel like the mood swings I make are still after effects of the addiction. Unresolved issues that burst through the surface. I noticed I wanted to hang on to the bad feeling of Christmas and forget the good things. I guess, a few days after, I might as well make the good list.

– My mother was the best Christmas tree decorator I know. Well, apart from the professional ones that  have loads of money and do trees at Harrods or so. She could hang everything so that the whole tree was balanced beautifully. Later, when she herself was very ill she did not want a tree in the house anymore ‘I don’t want a dying tree in my house.’ I can’t actually remember if she did buy a fake one. But, I was trying to look a the good things.

– We played a lot of bord games, that was fun.

– My mother had a few very nice Christmas records and cd’s that we played ever so now and then.

– The fire would be burning in the wood stove and the underfloor would be heated so the whole living part of the house was nice and warm and cosy.

– There would be cats around, that would sometimes cost a few baubles but that was ok.

– We would go out for a walk after dinner or in the morning and the fields would be all dark and cold.

– We never did the presents on Christmas, my parents said it was the celebration of light in the world, not the celebration of commerce. 🙂 Yeah, I can hear you thinking: the apple did not fall far from the tree… Extreme opinions running in the family? Check! Well, we have Santa Claus at the 5th of December, in the Netherlands he is the guy that brings the presents.

– My mother had these beautiful candle holders from iittala named Nappi. Not sure if they are still on the market but they cast this beautiful light shadow. The shadow would move with the movements of the flame. I bought some for myself when I left the house. They were at the table. I would sit with my back to the stove and my front to the candle and look at the lights.

– I would bring chocolates from the finest chocolate maker in our capital. These were a true treat and a happy together moment.

Moods, mood swings, I am noticing that not only the thinking about alcohol is something that can be adjusted from ‘Yessssss!!!’ to a more healthy ‘No thank you.’ But it also looks like the moods I am in are partially supported by myself. It is not only hormones of any kind playing up, it is also me with a whole series of thoughts that support it. In the movie What the bleep do we know scientists explain how we get addicted to our emotions by training our cells to receive certain chemicals that change the state of the cell to happy or sad or whatever. One person says: ‘If you cannot stop certain feelings, you must be addicted to it.’ I am starting to get really interested in that thought.

Guess I had a roller coaster day too because I did stuff. I woke up pretty clear-headed because I had slept well and started to plan my day. Immediately 10.001 thoughts crossed my mind and I ended up doing everything half or only starting and not even continuing. That is the state of my brain these days. I have tried to re-write my CV and write a letter of application. It’s difficult. I feel bad about myself, specifically when writing my CV. I have so much experience, am superbly skilled in so many fields. The only (?) think I fail in is getting my shit together, finding out what really makes my heart sing and last but not least dealing with the nasty people I meet along the way. Like these ex-colleges saying at my first day at the job: ‘It took us three months to pester your predecessors out of here. That will work with you too.’ Or this new boss: ‘I am ok with girls going to college, university, no problem. But I do not understand why they actually have to get a job. If it were my choice you would not be here. Let’s see how long you last.’

I guess the universe is trying to tell me something. 🙂 Unfortunately I still do not know what. I used to believe in ‘The path is the destination.’ Now I look back on my path through my CV and I see unfinished schools mixed with schools where I was in the top 3 of the class. I see a job at a HQ of an international company where I get an ‘Excels’ as a rating. That happens to 2% of the company on a yearly basis. And then the shitty people turn up. Guess I am somebody that lives and breathes extremes. I don’t want that anymore. Quitting alcohol was a good idea. Now I need to deal with the addiction.

Happy that I quit. Though these days it is suddenly getting difficult. Not sure if it connected to the higher sugar intake or to being confronted to my working history. Doesn’t really matter: the solution is less sugar and do the stuff I need to do.

In the new category ‘what I want?’ I want somebody to take care of me :-). Well, that is not going to happen. And if it did I would chuck them out because I don’t want to be dependent on somebody…. 😦 Need trust for that. Trust is in short supply.

What do I need? I need to take better care of myself and I don’t do it because I am tired of being me. So I think I don’t deserve to take care of me. That it’s all a waste anyway. Well, nothing that comes easy is worth having. And pain is a growing opportunity that has not been fulfilled. And going to bed at a normal time has always been a good idea. The cat came to get me an hour ago. 🙂 I actually have a cat that takes care of me.

Just how it is…

Yesterday I found out that I had been expecting ‘feeling good’ over the work I put into being sober; ‘I guess I have been expecting that with work comes reward and the reward will make me feel good. But the reward of the emotional work I do is clarity. ‘

During these last months I learned that in my life I was looking for quick and painfree happyness and alcohol was the answer. Realising now that the question ‘give me painfree happyness’ is not what the question should be and the answer be it alcohol or instant feel good reward is not or not per se the answer. The answer is just (?) clarity and growth.

Much like this Dirk-Jan comic:

How is addiction present in my life?

Before watching: the Facebook pages are nice photo’s with inspiring texts and the comments say things like ‘you are so wonderful’, ‘you are so inspirational’ and ‘this is so deep’ etcetera. And then it continuous with a real lousy life. Exactly like I feel today. Trying  to get my life in order and it is not working! AND IT SHOULD WORK TODAY! NOW! 🙂

What happened? I promised the addiction counsellor that I would pick up The Plan again AND do a big part of my admin AND do 1 application and 1 contact for a possible assignment. I am doing it but also getting frustrated with myself. And then somebody through Facebook sends me this vid out of nowhere. Watch and laugh, or cry. Not sure yet… It is a beautifuly, insightful video / sarcastic piece of shit. Not sure either. 🙂

Happy that I quit. If only because otherwise I would still be drinking and have to carry bottles out.

PS: The man being dressed as a women is not an addition to the story (or maybe it is). It is just the format of the series.

From standing still to rollercoast

And another one of those posts where I feel my way into stuff and end up visiting a lot of places. Not specifically a nice read before breakfast. Sadness and anger ahead.

Standing still today. Guess I am still hiding from the unfinished admin. That’s when the hiding comes back.

Hiding looks like being on the internet all day, getting cold feet because I don’t take care to put my socks on, messy kitchen, bad eating habits, longing for connections but disliking direct contact with people. Not wanting to think about what I need to do is one of them. Not wanting to feel. Actually, it is all the things I did before but without the booze.

Am I happy that I quit? Yeah, happy that I quit. Do I think it is a little boring not to be either high on emotions or very low? Yes. Is that useful? No. Does that make me want to take risks I should not. Yes. Thinking of calling the elderly blond god tomorrow. That in itself is ok, but the reason to call him is not. It should be because I would like us to be in contact. But I notice that my intention is trying to find salvation through hooking up. Not good.

And I’ve got this beautiful book by Veronica Valli and I am not reading it. I want things to be simple. But when they are I get bored. How many times have I written variations on this theme? Stress addiction. Or addicted to intensity.

I SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE 1 MAJOR INSIGHT A DAY!!! OTHERWISE THIS WHOLE QUITTING BUSINESS IS USELESS! MIGHT AS WELL DRINK, DID NOT HAVE INSIGHTS THEN EITHER!!.

Hmmm. I am angry. Hence the strange stillness inside. I feel like I am not moving on. Not getting the reward ‘I am entitled to’. Still a reward issue. I need to look that up. And then I don’t. And NO, I don’t want to go down a road of berating myself. Been there, done that, does not work. So. Why have I not looked stuff up. Because I don’t want to organise myself because that takes skills that I fear I don’t have and then I will feel bad. If I don’t try I can always stay in the illusion that I actually can do things. There is freedom in not doing stuff, all exits are still open.

Feeling further: I am scared to be defined, to get shape. Ever since I got shape I got in serious trouble. Groping hands and men trying to define me, trying to tell me how to be, not only my father, loads of them. Even in the Western world there is this idea that women are not supposed to be free. Subservient, that is the idea. That is how we grow up. That is why my father forced my mother into sex, day in day out. God this makes me angry. And scared. And sad. Don’t know how to deal, want to get away from it. It doesn’t feel nice. Don’t need nice, normal would do. I keep on trying to think that I don’t have to fight their fights but it all gets mixed up. Well, I’ve got my own share to fix.

My emotional responses are still based on things that happened long time ago. Well, doesn’t feel that way, it feels like yesterday. I am scared to be defined, to get shape. When I get shape I will be seen. When I get seen I will be harassed, raped or beaten. And there is nobody that helps and no place for comfort. Powerlessness and loneliness. I guess I feel that the environment l live in has not changed. I have not changed. My expectations have not changed.

The addict thinks he/she can control his/her world. I certainly know that I have the need to control my world if this is my experience and expectation of it. Would that be addictive thinking? Aah. Fuck it! Off to bed. The endlessness of trouble, this thread of continuous missery, la condition humaine, it is overwhelming sometimes.

Do not worry about what is not here now. That would be a good one. That is clarity too. Getting rid of the fog. Would that work? ‘Do not pay attention to your traumas because the situation is not here.’ Nope. That’s the thing with traumas, they keep repeating itself in every situation until I deal.

But how can I fight the world?!

You don’t have to fight the world because the world is not here. In fact, you can, say do your admin without ever seeing anybody. If that is what you like.

I don’t like nothing of this. I’m off to bed.

Substitute addiction / time to get a move on

It’s my 2 months sober anniversary! 🙂 And after reading Belle’s post this morning I remembered why I never signed up for a 100 challenge day; I thought I needed to get sober for forever. Yes, ‘looking for help’ was not in my dictionary. But I am going to ask help. If all is well I am meeting somebody next Tuesday – not a professional –  that I hope is going to help me with my eating pattern and daily life.

I do cheat a little on the trusting ‘not a professional’ because she is a vicars wife and she wants to be a professional in her specialisation and I am the guinea pig. 🙂 But I hope she can help me get on with the practical part of life because I still rather read blogs and blog but that will not bring bread to the table….

So… Reading blogs this morning (while I should actually be doing admin) I came to the post from Greg W who reblogged a post about substitute addiction from which I copied this part:

He writes that the addict in recovery “may maintain potentially magical thinking that the Higher Power will fix him or her without engaging in corrective action…and may try to use rituals of connection to a Higher Power as means to escape from painful feelings.”

Some of you might know that I am not religious but I do really like the spiritual-like insights and experiences that I have ever so now and then. I do not only like the Ahaa Erlebnis but also the relatively easy way it gets me to understand stuff. And even though I sometimes have to dig deep and face a lot of shit, it feels like I don’t really have to work for it. Which is I guess, true-ish. For me it is easier to feel my way through stuff and blog about it then, I don’t know… how do you solve issues? I actually don’t know what the other option is. Well maybe this explains it: it is easier for me to ride a craving and experience what it is trying to tell me, where it comes from and where it wants to take me than actually fighting it.

I know I can’t do the fighting. I would be afraid that I would lose I guess. Alcohol is strong. Do I lack willpower? Yes! No! Don’t know… My willpower has just been trained to say ‘I want to drink!’ And that statement feels very willpowery and convincing and real and true. I only realise that my willpower is fooling me when I get to the last check which is: ‘Does is make me drink?’ Yes -> not good, beware. Can I fight it? I don’t think so. And I do not want to try to fight it because I think I will lose. That scares me. Addiction runs deep.

So I need to find something that does work from my sober tool box. Most of the time that is bringing my thoughts, fears, feelings to the light. Which is ok. It has worked so far. Happy that I quit. But I’ve had so many beautiful insights in my addiction that by now I feel that if I don’t get enlightened at least once a day that I am not really alive. New addiction? Yes, it feels like it because I feel I have become dependent on it. And also no because it has transformational qualities in it. True addictions don’t do transformations do they? It feels like those experiences change my mindset, my cells, my DNA, my view on life and I need that.

To which my inner voice says: ‘Stop shitting yourself, you are addicted to life changing experience, you get bored if you do not experience stuff. And when you get bored your addict starts to speak up and you get to the danger zone. In alcohol you found freedom of the physical boundaries and you forgot what you call ‘the misery that binds you to the earth’. You now crave the explosion of inner freedom that is in the Ahaa experiences.’

😦 True. Or 🙂 True!!! So what now? So that is a wonderful insight and because I am experiencing this totally happy feeling about this conversations with me I can not imagine why I need to do anything about it. 😀 Gheghegheghe.

And I wrote the below paragraphs before I got the above conversation with myself, now I just can’t see what I was worried about. I actually am high on experience. Wicked! 😀 While 10 Minutes ago that I was worried and probably should be but I can’t feel it now:

Happy that I quit, not happy with that I am not doing the stuff I need to do. Yesterday I had such a big insight in how I face things that the insight itself gave me a splitting headache and I went back to bed and slept for hours. And I was doing exactly NOT what I should be doing. Which is the same I do now. Again and again and again and again. There is another part where I do not want to be clear. Hiding behind stuff, blog.

Enough thinking, here’s an anniversary song. For all of you that are out there and that are, or ar not on the happy train. Join in, sing along. 🙂

Now that I am reading back what I wrote I realise the intention of not doing stuff and berating me about it. I always seem to need something to keep myself down. (I am thinking ‘attached to the world’?) God forbid I should be genuinely happy and content with myself. Can’t have that now can we?

Yes, we can!! 😀

Say who was not doing what she needed to do???

I just want things to be over

This is how I started of this evening: there is not way I can put this into a story and try to hide my ignorance or stupidity or whatever. So here it is: can anybody tell me why alcohol dependency is not like smoking?

I smoked, I quit, I never looked back.

I drank, I quit, and what now?

I want stuff to be over, I don’t want to be going through life every day struggling with myself. I am tired. I want things to be over. I don’t even ‘want it all’ anymore, just a little. But now. I just want to be, I don’t know? Normal! Not feel this shitload of shit.

I want to be normal. Not all over the place and difficult, oeeeeh, difficult. And I had written a whole lot of normal things but here I have done some editing on what my sad idea of normal looks like today. The nicest thing was: I just want to be able to have a meaningless relation too, bicker and fight and keep each other down and put blame on the other and think that that’s it fo the rest of the time. Blablabla – edit, edit, edit. Pfffff. I know it is not nice and it might even be hurtful. But it is what I am going through and I want this to be an honest document, including the very nasty parts of me. I feel like I can not and do not want to carry the responsibility to be nice about this and do justice to people. And I can say sorry, but there is nothing to base that on. This is where I show addict behaviour in my own eyes. 😦 Please love me while I know I am unlovable.

I thought it was impossible to stop drinking, that’s what kept me so long. With the same conviction I thought that relations are meant to be bad and hurtful. Well, Feeling, whether you think you can’t or you think you can, you are right. And…. moving from depression over to omnipotence. How convenient.

My neighbours have 3 kids, the eldest is 11, he beats his younger sisters to pulp. The parents don’t do anything about it. And here I am feeling miserable about it. Why not them? Why am I scared to start a relationship, scared to get stuck, scared to be at the receiving end of somebodies viciousness or carelessness again. Eh, well, there is your answer… But why don’t other people mind? They say that people with certain dependencies look each other up naturally. I have that with people with bad relationships. Some people say I am too critical, those that do have or had shitty relations with loads of contempt for each other and me. I don’t want to be in a relation with contempt.  I have lived in the clouds of contempt of my parents. There was no escaping it, and no way, just no way I can every go back there. And I realise now that I expect relations to be like that. Have lived in that expectation all my life.

Feeling sorry for myself for the wrong reasons I guess. I don’t know. I’m just so emotional today. I am tired of having to keep my guard up. Of, I don’t know, not of being sober, being sober is good. But I am tired of the work I am doing for it and the things I feel I need to let go.

And I don’t feel I have the right to be tired or sad. I saw this homeless man this morning, he was pushing hit empty shopping car, bewildered, he was loosing it, he had lost it. It was pouring down. He was soaking wet. Until that moment I was happily singing ‘morning has broken’ on my bike, getting all wet, not caring because I had a warm home and a cat to turn back to. I have been reading The Realm of the Hungry Ghost by Gabor Maté and he gives an insight in the world of seriously addicted, homeless people. Normally I would not look at a homeless person unless they are selling the homeless paper. Today I felt so, so spoiled and so sorry for the man. And so lost, very much lost.

What is wrong with this society that the village idiot has become a homeless addict? Homeless addicts, multiple. Where children grow up watching more television than hours they go to school? Where ketchup is considered to be a vegetable serving. Ebola vaccines contain RFID chips. Where am I supposed to live? To go, to feel safe and sane? Good that it was pouring down so no need to feel awkward about the tears.

How come I feel I have to do everything myself? Ooh, well, I know! I do! But why?! Why don’t I trust people. Why can’t I just for once lean on somebody? Somebody else than a professional that is?

So what happened? Why am I lashing out again, blaming the world? I had hoped that was behind me. Life happened. I went to the sauna yesterday. Low and behold I met up with this blond version of Tarzan, he’s about 50 so he’s not a young blond god, he is an elderly blond god, so to say, with a beautiful natural body and good posture that said ‘joy, happiness, being at ease’. And no, the sauna is NOT a pick up place, well, gay sauna’s are, but this is a normal wellness centre, nothing funny about it. And I just happen to speak with people everywhere I go, male and female. I only mention the conversations that are exceptional.

This conversation lasted a long, and because it is a sauna the godlyness of somebody is rather out in the open. But that does not change much for me because due to my profession I can see through clothing anyhow. And if you and I are ever to meet: don’t worry about that because if you can see through everything, everything becomes very boring and uninteresting. Not to insult you upfront, but just. Pffff, complicated. Can of worms.

Well, no matter the godlyness, he was a really nice guy. We spoke 1 and a half hour and he seemed very much in contact with his emotions – without the disclaimer’ for a guy’- and was relaxed and intelligent. I am not asking for more, he could have been goddamn ugly for all I care. That would have even suited me better because I am and that would feel to be more of a match.

So what happened? We spoke and we spoke. And now there’s a thing that is a bit funny in the sauna, because we were both naked, there is not really another place to look than in each others face and eyes. And in order to do that you (I, everybody) really need to turn off anything else but genuine interest in the person and the conversation. Unless I want to be impolite and stare a the grass or the shrubs, or worst….. Which is very, very NOT DONE. Making moves in the sauna is also very, very NOT DONE. Yeah, cloths are easier, but being naked does make people more vulnerable and there is a good thing in that too.  FYI: all the relationship interest that got into this story has been added later. It is only after I left I felt that we had gotten connected.

We had been in a special sauna ritual together and the second one was coming up 1,5 hours after we started talking. He was thinking I would be in there as well. But I remembered that things were not that easy in early sobriety so I parted saying that I was ‘not feeling like it’. Which is stupid! What’s wrong with ‘I need to eat.’? He was a little confused and took a second to re-adjust and I noticed what I had just broken and wanted to hold on. But I did not, I got scared. Suddenly I realised that his reaction was more than I could handle right now and we parted. He said;  ‘I’ll see you after?’ And I said yes and walked off.

I went, got something to eat in the restaurant and noticed how my centering was totally off. Not sure what but it felt like my centre was trying to get out to be with him. There was this immense force pulling at my heart that was trying to break out of its cave to fly out, be together. And I did not. Because I was all out of whack from this meeting alone. And I thought: Now there is something I can not handle. Not now, possibly not ever.

I did go back later, 1,5 hours later to do the 3rd sauna ritual but he was not there.

The movie 28 Days says: take at least 2 years of sobriety before you start getting involved or even fall in love. First have a plant, if the plant lives, have a pet, if the pet lives, you might want to try finding a partner. I now know why.

I know his first name. I know where he works. He knows the same about me. And I am confused. I think I did the right thing but it is exactly what I do not want to give up.

So I threw an I-Tjing oracle and it is exactly the same as last 2 times I considered it. Which is a chance of 1 in about 260.000. It still says that I have accomplished something big, and am on the good road. Then it continuous on the circle of life. Life starts every day again, anew. The big thing I did is good, but it is just another step. The extra tip this time, in the question ‘Should I contact him?’ is: don’t speed, show restraint because that will give you time to develop the strength you need.

And I guess that is indeed true. Don’t want to fly in head (and heart) first like I always do. Learn to stay centered in contact is a  GOOD THING. And much needed. Pfffff.

And so another day ended. I did do other stuff than moan about life. I spend 2 hours on repairing an item for my elderly neighbour that had been cat-sitting last week when I was out. And I went to see GP3.

I learned that all that is bad, just is. As all that is good, just is. That I still carry the hurt of my parents marriage around and do not believe things can be different. That I have probably relived their relation myself in order to fix it. That I do not want to go there anymore but that means that I need to change my views and expectations. Expectations are sort of a recipe for life. I need to let go of the hurt, look it in the eye and the hurt says: you needed me to be pissed at guys, to despise them, so you do not have to feel your fear and you do not have to mend your broken heart. And my heart starts crying and says ‘But I am broken, how can I heal?’ and the answer is ‘Just heal, you have it in you. You have quit.  That is amongst others just a thing that needed to be done. You saw it could be done. That is how you can heal. Just, just heal. Have faith’. And my heart wants to be healed, and function like a real heart with courage and love and happiness and in sync with the world. So it does heal, right here, right now we start to heal. And so it is written. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that I can hear my internal voice again. I just want to tell you all that this is because I stopped drinking. Isn’t that cool? Today I have changed a view I never even knew that was a view, I thought it was the truth. Sobriety is good.

Still reading

Today I’ve spent reading and checking out running techniques on YouTube. Loooooove YouTube. So much info ready at hand. Fan of my laptop clogged up with dust? YouTube tells me how to unscrew everything and fix it. Want to know how to cook something? YouTube. Want to know about nutrients? YouTube. And you can also find loads of video’s there stating that drinking alcohol is not at all bad. 😦

I am still with the book Addictive Thinking. After my first clash with the book I continued when I thought my mind was open again. And I am almost finished but up to now I find it a little disappointing. It is more of a list of aspects of addictive thinking, a useful list, yes, but I was hoping for more Aha Erlebnis / Aha effect. And of course I am hoping for extra special effects because I want things to be fantastic and normal is not good enough – which is of course listed as being an aspect of addictive thinking. 🙂

What I appreciate, and what makes me breathe a little easier (did I say I had this open mind?) is where he says: people who practise addictive thinking do not know that they do and it is of no use to pressure them into admitting things. That will only make them strengthen their walls. I agree with that from my own experience. I think GP1 saved me by saying: ‘Whatever you want and when you want it.’ That gave me the  possibility to drop my walls at that moment.

My plan for the on-coming week is to follow The Plan in detail, to be exact and concise about it. No lingering, no ‘I’ll do that tonight.’ Order memory repair nutrients and thyroid and bile nutrients. And that’s it. I am trying to stop thinking that repair needs to come from the outside – very addicty conviction. Nutrients are good, but how can I insist on these if all my blood tests come out ok? I am trying to let go, but it is difficult because I also thought I have saved my health all these years by taking supplements. I don’t know. I’m not going to risk my sobriety over a few vitamin B-complex and Omega 3 pills but maybe I don’t need the full 2000 Euro deal ;-). Don’t have the money for that anyhow.

I also want to get back to loosing weight because due to the 4 meals a day to get my blood sugar level stable I have gained a kilo. Halfway through the week I’ll be going on a little trip with a friend, biking and walking in the homeland. Actually fearing a lack of private time. Should manage that.

All in all a boringly normal Sunday. 🙂 Happy that I quit. Through the blogosphere I was made aware of this article that says it all on being happy that I quit. She says; don’t give up drinking. And I agree. Be happy that you quit! I am happy that I quit. Slowly becoming aware that there still is a shitload of work to be done. But not now. Now it is autumn salad time: raw beet, carrot, apple, orange, celery, loads of parsley, chopped walnuts and grated fresh ginger. 🙂