High as a kite on happiness

Wow, just went into town after having had a serving of a new Schussler cell salt nr 1 that in my leaflet says will ‘protect you so that you do not have to build walls around you’. I have this idea that I FINALLY in my life found what I have been searching for for years. I walked into town and I could just relax and be happy. I did NOT somehow feel like having to watch over my shoulder, I did NOT feel like any minute there could be a baseball bat in my neck. I did not make up stories like ‘Need to go home to cook potatoes’ just to get away from people. I never knew I did make up stuff. By the way: the city I live in is big to Dutch standards but to those from the UK or USA, it’s only a village and not dangerous. So I have always known this fear is my own.

I could see people, and people who looked seriously ill but without problem I could keep their vibes, their ‘atmosphere’ of them out of me. YEAH, I AM HEALED. 🙂 I have finally found that outer layer that I felt I was missing all my life. The feeling that I am a radio receiving all kinds of input but without the ability to choose a sender or block that what I do not like. I am tired now. Or more: I can finally feel how tired I get from keeping up the barriers. God I hope this effect stays with me. I can finally feel safe inside my body.

Happy that I quit, happy that I found what I was looking for because not being able to close myself of to the vibes I get from other people is one of the things that make me drink, that make me anti-social and that make me fearful, aggressive and tired. I feel that I can FINALLY start living my own life instead of mine unconsciously mixed with 10.000 others.

Happy that I quit. Proud that I have kept on looking to heal myself. And funny, funny, funny that this is with the mineral fluor that actually made me decide to quit drinking in the first place. Gheghegheghe. I got a fluoride poisoning from going to the dentist; heart palpitations and stomach ache. I was in the store and my intuïtion forced me to buy milk, while at that time I did not drink milk so I was struggling against this internal voice. I came home and Googled ‘stomach ache, heart palpitations’ and Google said: fluoride  poisoning, drink milk :-). I did, and the pain went away and I thought; I know me, I can feel my way out of this disease called alcohol addiction. And that is when I decided to quit on my own. For me that was a wise decision. Specifically now because I would not have found this fluoride again if I had gone into rehab. I am guessing what I experience now is the most important experience in my life so far. Wow. Happy that I quit.

The salt works on flexibility too. And just as I was thinking on how more flexible my feet were today and how I could continue to have this during my older age, this woman comes along with here kids in a bakfiets (that’s how the Dutch bring kids to school) and she says to them ‘You can do gymnastics at age 100 if you want.’. Exactly! Which could mean that I still do not have that extra layer to protect me from picking up thoughts or sending them. Hmmm :-/. No, no matter, this is clear and funny and thing is: it does not feel like it connects to my inside anymore, it is not a threat anymore. My body has become my own. Wow.

I did buy a ticket to the lottery, just to prove that I still need to work for stuff. Which in itself is a stupid notion. I realise now that I do not appreciate things that come without struggle. Expect everything to be difficult. I don not have to do that. I could practise on thinking I can receive things easily in stead of thinking that I have to work hard to wrestle my share from the gods. Ghegheghe. All these new notions in my head, it is amazing. I am high as a kite on happiness and all the posibilities that are just here now I am sober and looking for healing. Feeling my way back into life. I am there! Hello! I’m here! I’m happy!

I can feel soupleness surrounding me as a warm cloud. Gone is the cold rigidity I normally feel. My neck and shoulders feel so souple now. Wow. Wow and a little scary. That rigidity is good for not drinking. Hmmm. Ghegheghe, need to find another no. But the no I don’t drink because I am happy as I am is a possibility now. Need to watch how this unfolds. Don’t want to think about it now, though it would be very wise. Yes it is very wise to think about that now because my energetic wall against booze has just crumbled in the newly found souple aura. Gheghe. Nope, not going to go there now.

I am curious how this Calcium fluoratum works. They say that fluor from toothpaste blocks your pineal gland which is also called ‘the third eye’ where the intuïtion is seated. As I notice it does influence my intuition but not in a bad way now, it helps me to keep stuff out. That’s only good. Maybe this is connected differently. Don’t know. Wow, it feels like I have my own body back. If you would have asked ‘is your body yours?’ I would have answered ‘no’ but I did not conciously know that I did not feel it as mine.

I have worked with homeopathic medicine before. I believe they work as to transfer subtle  information on the how the good state of being is. They sort of tap on the aura or somewhere in the body and say “you need to pay attention to healing this, and the good picture looks like  this’. The more potentiated the homepathic stuff is, the more subtle the message, the more it speaks to the layers outside the body. These Schussler salts I use are not potentiated, so they are the real molecule of the stuff. I feel like they fix a missing supply in the body. I can imagine that after years of drinking and stress there is some stuff missing. 🙂 Well, happy that this has been put on my road. 🙂

What I want: for this effect to actually stay and for it to help me deal with that weird issue of being a radio without working buttons.

What I need: food, it’s dinnertime.

Have a nice evening! ❤

And of course a disclaimer: if you want to go using the Schussler cell salts for yourself, do so, but I’m not a doctor so don’t just go following what I did please.

Physical and mental changes part x

I haven’t been writing a lot and I guess that has been because something inside has settled. On the 30th of December I went to a wise woman, the mother of a friend of a friend and former therapist who is/was specialised in Bach Remedies, Schussler salts, Tarot, Homeopathy, chakra reading and healing and several other things. I went there because I felt one of my issues with planning and not working things through or finalising it is actually a chakra issue.

She told me something about disease and alcohol and said: ‘There is nothing wrong with partying ever so now and then. Shake stuff off, wake up in a new day. But doing that on a regular base is destructive. What you did is leave  the door open for too long. So it does not close anymore. If you drink now, you will go all the way.’ I needed to hear that in these words to understand how it works energy wise. And now my substance addiction has a place in my brain: it is an open door to a world where I do not want to go and I have learned to walk past it without going in.

She also said: ‘You have quit, I think that is marvelous, it is so amazing to see people quit their addiction. Now make sure you move on with your Life because that is what you came for. You left the alcohol behind you, also leave that life behind you and stop berating yourself over it. Continue living. All in all, it has been important but it is only one door, you won’t go in there anymore and there are a million of opportunities in life. You came to this world to live, not to look  back, stay stuck and hang around in something you actually quit.’

Hearing that changed things inside me then. I feel like I can actually look into the world again. And the mentioning of ‘it is only one door’ made me realise that, even though it is a very good idea to stay away from that door; the universe is bigger than only my alcohol drenched past. And since then I did not feel so much like blogging and somehow I found back my ability to do stuff and my trust in me.

She gave me one of the Schussler salts too. It works miracles on my blood pressure and sleep. With the first pills I could actually feel my muscles relax through my whole body. That has not happened since, well, I don’t know. It feels like 10 years or so. That was marvellous, and NO WONDER I have high blood pressure. The relaxing helps me realise when I get into a state. So that’s good too. I got some other salts too for things I feel I am lacking. But more on that in another post.

All in all, the understanding of addiction through the image of the door, the salts, all of it somehow finally helps me to do stuff. Like cleaning up without moaning about it, actually even liking it and….writing letters of application. Yes! I did send out 2 applications. What?!! Yes, I did! I had till the 5th of January to react so it finally went out on January the 4th, 23:56 hours, but I did it. YEAH!!!!!!  NEW!!!!

I spend days and days behind the screen crying over my lost past, writing my CV and being happy about all the experience I have and then crying about me having wasted it all and feeling unable to do something with it and back to feeling happy about my experience. Mood swings, but healing now. I took the time to see where I started to berate myself and where I would put an effort in feeling way, way better than my peers.

I also screwed up my chances at the 2nd job forever by calling them with questions about the vacancy. It had a title ‘coordinator’ and ran 3 pages (!) from ‘being superbly technical’, ‘absolutely creative’, ‘cleaning machines’, ‘customer contact’,  ‘setting up educational material and giving courses’, ‘drawing up contracts’, ‘managing the staff’ and ‘organising events’. HR most obviously did NOT have a look at this; when you take that seriously they ask for 4 different people in one. I am smiling at that now and but when having the conversation with the head of the department was there in my tone too. So I can screw the 2nd job but I did send out the letter and that is GOOD. I do see now how I get attracted to a function in an environment that puts out a vacancy for somebody that ‘can do everything’. My delusional self would think that would be me.

And I was going to write a whole theory on disease here, but I don’t feel like working it out.

What I want: I want life to be easier than it is. But that is BS because loads of people have it harder and I am EXACTLY at the point that my life is all about: finally dealing with negativity, presentation, contact and reincarnating, finally dealing finances – not always making enough to not have to worry about it. That is not dealing.

What I need: follow my path and get rid of my blood pressure medication and to get back to exercising at least an hour a day. I’ve been doing half hours for the last 3 days. I came from 1 * 50mg and am at 2 * 12,5mg now since yesterday. Haha, I can feel how it used to dampen my responses to stress because I get road rage again while biking. 😀 Ghegheghe, dealing with that too ‘Getting angry or stressed out is not going to get you there any sooner. You might as well relax and enjoy your ride, wouldn’t that be much nicer?’

Also changing: I have actually, for the FIRST time in my life said to myself ‘You may want some more chocolate now, but how will you feel in 15 minutes? This stuff makes you feel bad in large quantities.’ NEW!! NEW!!! It’s not even about the chocolate that is new, the whole concept of thinking ahead and ‘battling’ with a desire is new. Well, in this way it is. Saying that, I suddenly don’t know how I quit drinking. Aaah, I did not reason with me. AAAH, NO WAY! No reasoning with addiction. Addiction is as addiction does. No use in reasoning with it. :-D. Well, the other thing is NEW and I felt so adult suddenly. And American! Because I only know this line of thinking from American tv series :-).

Also new in the Should situation: I have taken a strict approach to dealing with stuff. When I catch a ‘I should actually….’ I tell myself either to do it or to stop worrying about it. That creates a lot of clarity in my mind. NEW! And it makes me realise that I obviously can not do everything that I want in a day. NEW! The ‘I should’ issue can only live in an environment of arrogance where I think I can do anything. I can’t, but even when writing this there is this voice saying: ‘Pfff, of course you can, you just have to put yourself to it’. I want to believe that. When drinking I did believe it. I guess that’s how I ruined my business: not doing stuff and still thinking I could. That is a NEW painful insight. Brrr….

And I keep on apologizing to my mother on blowing her inheritance money and my life but it does not work because I am still angry with her over not protecting me. And there is something funny about  that sentence / concept of thinking. That is another subject for another day.

Another thing; food has lost its fascination. Don’t know how that happened but I get irritated over ‘having to eat’. NEW!! Let’s see how this progresses. I have a chocolate bar in the cupboard, it has been there for 3-4 days now. If I feel like it there is something that says; ‘You could also have a tangerine if you want sugar.’ NEW!!! WEIRD!!! Might have to do with now I move on from being ill that I do not need rewards anymore. Not sure. Actually I expect this disinterest in food to change back to ‘normal’ pretty soon.

What I need: what I need is more joy in my life so I signed up with a group that plays board games. Nice, nice. It is open to kids as well so I am guessing it is alcohol free. And if it is not? Ha! More chances on winning! :-D. The Facebook group is really nice. A guy telling about a dream he had on new game concepts and people being excited about the first after Christmas gathering so they could try out their new games. Nice! I am excited.

What I also need is to continue my road and start dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s. But since the talk and the Schussler salts there is finally something in me that wants to return to society. Now I am sober the world does not look half as bad as it did before. 🙂 NEW!

Very fucking happy that I quit. Sometimes proud of it. Finally proud of the approach I take to being sober: this constant self-care in tiny details right up to the border where I can still handle it. I still feel I am going (too) slow but if I just start with something, even if it is slow, then I will finish one day. And that beats not starting.

Hope you liked reading this. I am guessing that the longer I do not write, the longer the posts are.

Have a nice day. 🙂