Teal Swan on feeling not ‘normal’

Must watch vid on disconnection and, as Teal Swan says it ‘parallel realities’. I am guessing all of you will recognise this and possibly, as I did, have a good cry over understanding how denial of emotions makes people feel different and not normal.

 

Times are difficult for me currently. Well, guessing I have not brought another tone to this blog for a long time. Work is getting harder and harder. My job is the only one with measurable results but for the results to happen I depend on a whole bunch of others who…. do not exactly care, always. At least not when they do not feel like it. And there is nobody to make them feel like it so…ย  hmmm. Outside consultants have come in again.

When watching the above vid I realise that my boss and I speak from different points of view. Well, whatever. Life is difficult. Living is difficult. Nights are difficult with a lot of dreaming and memories from early life. Dreaming again that my brother is dying. Remembering the nightmares I used to have as a child about that. Remembering how my mother and brother had this bond where I was not welcome. How I rebelled against that. How my dear brother snugly dug himself into my mother’s lap even more in times like that.

My GP mentioned how every time she meets me she is gets this tremendous feeling of ‘loneliness’ with me. And I guess that is true. When I am in the mood I have been for the last months I feel alone, no matter what and how. And I do not want to connect because that only means that I will hurt more because ‘people do not understand me’. I guess that is the dramatised version of reality but it is one in which I live a lot of the time. I guess that is why blogging is a good way of expressing myself: I do not have to look people in the eye and see that they are repulsed, not understanding or pitying me.

I live in extremes. In the world where I live it looks like I invented extremes. Which I put out here as a sort of joke, or to mellow down the statement of living in extremes, trying to show that I can put things in perspective – but actually, haha, I guess you noticed that is not a strength of mine. And maybe because I do not share intimacy in real life, I never get to get out of that extreme state.

I invite you into my mad world and nobody follows. But then again, being in dire need of connection is something like needing a lone: only if you already have money the bank will loan money. Hmmm, dark.

Another dark thing: I dreamt that somebody spotted a dark presence around me and in that dream I could (suddenly?) separate the darkness I carry around in times from myself. I find it funny to think of it as two different ‘people’ or ‘realities’. Strange though that it felt very fitting. I find it a little, may I say ‘carnavalesque’ to attribute feelings to other entities like ‘angels’ or ‘bad ghosts’ but at that moment somebody mentioned that my brother (twin supposedly died in womb) was still with me and that he was luring me into the darkness as to be together again because he envies me because I live. My mind finds it utter nonsense, even so much that I have difficulty writing this down. But feelingwise it fitted totally. And then again: maybe that is ‘just’ dream logic, trying to fit things together to make keep it understandable for the mind. Well, it would explain the bouts of darkness flushing me in my life where I did not know where they came from. And the lightness I experience ever so suddenly.

In the sober world it is good practise to divide ourselves into the good person and the addict within. The addict within gets a name and that is how it is handy (at first) to separate what part we need to listen to and what part we need to ignore or even fight. I found this separation of ‘myself’ and the ‘addict within’ very helpful when quitting drinking. Over time my view changed and I realised that the addict within is me/is me too/is part of me/ is my way of dealing with life. A not so very handy way of dealing, but me. Not something ‘external’. Very good, very, very helpfull to attribute traits to this addict and villanies him/her though; makes it so much easier to recognise stuff and keep away from.

Well, what I wanted to log is that lately I switch from being perfectly happy and content to darkness as I have not known it earlier in my adult life. These switches happen in seconds. Very, can’t find the word, strange and… still can’t find the word, well, it concerns me. But I mainly notice the switch to light, not to the darkness because that is ‘normal’. Also there is a third phase in which I just watch me being all clustered up in my own emotions. This part that I call the real me: the part which is aware that I am thinking, which is aware that I am feeling stuff. This part is not part of the feelings but watching it.

I go to that place more often, well, ha, mostly because it is too tiring to be me currently. When I am there I can only wonder at the drama I carry, create, uphold. The gain of the drama is to keep me from feeling what I really feel. And there is a part which wants to keep me from being conscious. Being conscious comes with a price and the prices to me sometimes looks like utter madness as in ‘the reality of this world is so different from what we think that it is hard for the mind to grasp’. I have little experience and little words in that reality where I experience life and all with what I call my consciousness but it sort of looks like the idea of reality, matter, the body image and time e.g. are concepts to enable the mind and body to do their mind and body thing in time. Not sure if that makes any connection to anybody anywhere. So yeah. ๐Ÿ˜€ The madness comes in when I, my daily ‘I’ get afraid of the experience and try to hold on to the normal world idea. Which teaches me that hahaha, attachment causes pain. :-/ Gosh.

Well, more platitudes where that came from: in that reality everything is connected. But not sure if I understand it correctly because people I hear speaking about that are mainly all caught up in the romance of that while for me it is only a ‘fact’ (?) with no love or hate feeling to it. But then again: connection has always been a challenge for me.

When I am ‘there’ it is like all the shields I have, all the attachments, all drama’s fall from me like the leaves from a lotus unfolding and they keep unfolding and unfolding eternally. That experience/feeling is actually to me very accurate – as if it is literally happening around me. And after a while, actually a few seconds already, it turns very scary. Well, it starts of as this beautiful experience and then attachment walks in and eeeeeeehks! ๐Ÿ˜€ Ghegheghe… lesigh. Also, it takes me to the edge/over the edge of the feeling of ‘existing’ of well, ‘normal’. It is an exciting place to wander but I am guessing that, with the wrong mindset, intention, lack of foundation in this world, it might be a dangerous place for the mind. I am guessing my path leads me to explore the boundaries of that alternate reality I am experiencing there but I am guessing it is a good thing to let the mind get used to it. It is like that time where I tried to stay conscious while falling asleep; it is like walking into (what I think) a LSD trip (looks like). I wish the bookstore man was still in my life, he could probably explain what this is all about.

Well. More than 3 years ago I started this blog trying to feel my way back into life, knowing that would bring me to the next phase. The next phase has been waiting for over a year right now but I guess I still need to do the next level of un-addicting through rock-bottom. I went to see the GP because I did not trust myself with me anymore. The other day I posted a blog and then deleted it because I just could not bear for those words to be out in the world. To have people look into the darkness and pain going on. There is a funny thing to not wanting to lie and wanting to speak the truth: when life changes, motivations change. I found that revealing and I guess it is how relapse happens: it is not that one wants to drink, or possibly so, but it is the caring about the results which ‘just go out of the window’.

Not sure if I need to clarify that I did not drink and was not tempted to. I was however tempted to let go of caring. Never a good place. I did not care anymore. But then I have a cat. ๐Ÿ™‚ I felt like this:

houseruin

Have often felt like that in my life. Which in itself is not so bad as long as I do not have to pretend to be a cosy, happy house in a suburb. While feeling that my parents expected me to become a manor. Which is what I did all my life and the discrepancy is killing. Parallel realities.

Aah, another thing about work: work needs me to be precise and result driven and that makes that I need to go into the here and now and act in that. Nasty and difficult for me. Drives me nuts. Good practise in a sad way. Don’t want to be in the here and now. Drama. Need to investigate what happens there.

I experience a lot of breathing problems lately. I guess I experience panick attacks but I feel scared, well, dead scared but also often I have these aggressive arguments in my head and then my throat cramps and I can not breathe out anymore. Google says asthma. Nah…

Another log thing: I sleep deeper, sleep through the night at least 1 time a week!!! And only wake up once at least another time!!!! But still have nights where I wake up 5 times. My more than a year old concussion is still bothering me though. I keep on having headaches in that place and I still have the sensation of something being wrong there in my brain. The size, a little bigger than a pigeon egg which is damaged / dead / missing.

I am planning to keep on visiting the GP till I am out of the danger zone I am in now and possibly till I found an entrance into losing some weight. That would equal: making the next step in my addiction and quitting chocolate/sugar. Don’t want to talk about that. It is bad. I put on weight. Take bad care of me.

A woman who loves herself would post this blog and not fear if people think she is crazy. ๐Ÿ™‚ So much of my thoughts go unchallenged because I think that in my non-digital life I do not know anybody who thinks/experiences things like I do in this post. And I have difficulty filtering The Truth from the caravalesque brain snot imagery. I guess not attaching myself to the outcome of this experiment called life will lead somewhere someday. Not sure. We shall see. ๐Ÿ™‚ / ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I am sort of happy that I quit, more in an obliged way than really feeling it. I think I am a big mess and because of that I feel like ‘nothing has changed’. I have difficulty seeing light in the darkness but have noticed that I, well, not consciously but sub/non/whatever consciously, as a ‘safeguard’ hold on to misery because I can not deal with the ups and downs and the other people not understanding me and that hurting. So I have actually noticed me making me feel depressed so I do not have to come out of hiding and try living. My not so humble opinion on depression is that it is: separating myself from the world, taking bad care of my by eating badly, doing nothing fun, not caring, not getting exercise or fresh air, surrounding myself with dead buildings instead of nature, sleeping at the wrong hours, cherishing dark thoughts and then saying that it is difficult to find the light. Duh?! But the getting up from there is difficult. And well, today I think I can do it, at some point in my life, but last week and that week before I was very far away. Further than I was when drinking so that scared me. We shall see if I can find the strength to end this addiction to misery. My base attitude is still one which says: I don’t want to live in this world. I guess it has a lot to do with being confronted with death even before I was born. Or maybe it is another addictive way ‘out’; “as long as I don’t care I can not be hurt.” kind of thinking. Not sure. It is all coming more to the forefront the last months. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Not happy about that. All these growth thingies they come with rock-bottoms where I need to realise that the negative consequences of hanging on to (destructive) behaviour and thinking is outweighing the ‘positive’ ones I (think to) get from being addicted to sadness/chocolate/depression/.

My head is hurting by now. I’m off to bed. Hope you found something in this post. Self-care, gratitude, progress not perfection thinking are all tools which could have possibly kept me out of this darke hole I find myself in. Just to make sure it is known: I knew that upfront. And I do not want to face that maybe, probably I am here now because I want to shy away from the work problems, weight problems and eating problems I experience. When I say ‘I knew that upfront.’ it means that I felt/saw things coming and I knew I had to change things but I could not. And I did not know it as clearly as I fear it is (partially) true now. Not proud of myself. But I guess, if I want to be truthful to myself I need to log this too. “To thy own self be true.”

The other part of the truth is that I have, in itself, a structure which is partially corrupted/not-functioning/not fitting in this world which makes it more difficult to find level ground. But then again: the only way out of that is to deal with it. :-/ Fuck.

Tired. No good can come of late night moping. ๐Ÿ™‚

Wishing you a good day/week.

xx, Feeling

 

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Currently watching “Adyashanti: Healing the Core Wound of Unworthiness” in the Self-acceptance summit from Sounds True (hurry, only a few days left! – There will be an Encore day probably). Adyashanti says something which is an eye-opener to me: people who experience not-enoughness think they are the only one.
I think that. I think that I have this special not-enoughness which is even not-enougher than other people’s not-enoughness. And obviously I see the result of that in every detail of my life. I am fat, grey, ugly and old so I am not good enough, people treat me bad, so I am not good enough, I am not in an intimate relation so I am not good enough. I do not even dare to write that because that in itself proves that I am not good enough. And I really really want to add that blablabla-everybody-I-know-has-bad-relations-and-that-I-do-not-understand-them-putting-up-with-that-shit-blablablabla in order to make me feel better. So I am trying to balance my not-enoughness by upping the not-enoughness of others. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
I write dark, searching, often angry and moaning posts. I do so because I want to not write Facebook-like posts. I want to show the unedited version of me. There are a lot of reasons for that, one is that I need to be 100% honest(like?) with me because addiction is a disease of non-truth. There is another aspect to it which pops up now: I am angry at the world for showing only the good sides of things. I find that unfair. And… I have grown up in a family where feeling bad was not allowed in a sort of ‘Aaaw, but that is not necessary dear’ kind of denial. That, even though I believe my mother in a lot of years did not feel well for even one minute. She actually said so much. She was nauseous all the time for years on end. There was no specific physical reason, looking back I think it was continuous stress and mostly fear of my father. Later she admitted that suicide was on her mind on a daily basis for years. Children know that. I knew it. I tried to save her. Did not work. Or maybe it did. Not sure. When we spoke about it she mentioned that she knew I knew but that she did not want to have it real because that would be too horrible to bear. She felt shame, guilt and insufficient as a parent. Not enough. She drank in order to ‘deal’. Not like crazy much, but still enough to turn aggressive or sad. And her body could not deal with it well so I can not imagine she felt well. :-/ At some point she quit, I believe when she was diagnosed for the 3rd time with cancer.
The memory of those years puts fear in my body. Lately I learn every day about why I thought drinking was a good ‘solution’ to what was going on in my life. All this unmentionable stress and anxiety in our family, floating freely, well more like solid grey masses to work my way through. And everybodies’ escape patterns. My mother turning ill ‘so’ she could not be accountable, my brother not participating in the family and turning emotionally cold, withholding himself. Me resisting everything and trying to fix my parents one day and then fighting them the other day when I could not manage, what (?) anymore.
Currently trying to look at these feelings as ‘feelings’, as ‘ships that pass on the horizon’. Doesn’t work (yet?). They go straight to cell level and create stress and this continuous state of ‘threat’ there. My brother always says I am too sensitive (gosh…) but he creates the same-ish environment in his own home with his stressed out reaction to anything big or small. He has been overworked for years and only now he’s at home 100% with a burn-out. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Which in itself is good for him, I hope he can work things out.
I am happy that I quit. But I say that more because I need to try the feeling of that statement. Ha! The other way around: sooooo glad I do not have an alcoholic drink standing here, eeeew, the nausea! Yuck! Ok. I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT!!!! Yay! ๐Ÿ™‚
A woman who loves herself would have gone to bed way earlier because she wants to treat herself to a lot of sleep. With hopefully no nasty dreams. Lot of revealing dreams, ones which sort of let loose the dirt / trash / nasty memories locked up. Like my subconscious is taking out the trash. ๐Ÿ™‚ Sounds funny, is not. :-D. In the morning I sometimes remember only remember tiny bits, seconds, minutes. Sometimes I remember a dream which I have perceives as 5 minutes. The feelings they leave behind are well, like having slept in the subconscious sewer. Parts memories, parts the whole shebang of feelings surrounding those memories. If I can say one positive thing it is: very informative.
For my records: I believe I dream more because I drink less tea at night so I tend to sleep through the night more. Or possibly because I took some Schuessler salt at some time, dunno which anymore, which ‘fixed’ something.
Ok, the cat is calling me for bed. ๐Ÿ™‚ โค
Wishing you a good evening/day!
xx, Feeling

Assumptions

Watching a kids TV show and it warns witches for keeping control of themselves otherwise they can not control their magic. Which (witch?) set me off to wonder about my own assumptions.

I assume that I will never fit in, will always be the odd one out.
I assume that nobody will ever really like me.
I assume that I will always have to fight for a job.
I assume that I will die of a horrible disease at young age.
I assume that I will never have a partner who really cares about me.
I assume that I am batshit crazy but have learned to act ‘reasonably’ normal.
I assume that I will never find my true calling.
I assume that somebody finds this blogs and outs me in my professional life.
I assume that friends are only friends untill they really get to know me.

Of the above never finding my true calling is the worst by the way. I have built pretty steep fences around my heart against the rest.

Due to all this assumptions I think I never really try. I don’t try to be nice, be careful, I don’t lose weight because, well, because.

I am happy that I quit but in real life it often doesn’t matter to me and I would prefer to not have to live the life I have. Not to be who I am.

The other day a person I hold dear told me he did not really need to be alive. That really hit my heart because of the casual way he said it in combination with the quick check back to me to see how I would react. Somehow it suddenly really gets to me. Not sure what happened between this afternoon and now. I suddenly just have the feeling that it doesn’t matter and I am not going to go places anyway.

I have posted this before, but I guess it is time again:

 

Maybe the upcoming 3 years of not drinking bugs me. I though, hoped I would have been ‘further’ ahead. Like ‘have lost weight’, ‘be more sensible’, have my finances in order (which by the way, I almost have), be more compassionate, carry (and transfer) less shame, have read more books. Well, have worked it out all. But I notice that in between writing posts, working and 1 or 2 social things a week I do not ‘improve’ a lot if you will.

Guess I need to really start doing stuff, make it happen. Netflixing is taking its toll. I have learned from sobriety (just to get it be quoted back to me today here online ๐Ÿ˜‰ ):

If you do what you did, you get what you got.

I guess I myself need to change things if I want things differently. I do not want to hold on to this old believes of being unloveable and weird. I do not want to make those into my trademark even.

I am happy that I quit, again is a sort of obliged way but I am happy that I quit because I would not have been able to see that these believes, these assumptions limit me. Well, maybe I am really unloveable, I do not believe in unconditional love anyhow (unless we all suddenly got enlightened…) but I don’t really really think so. BS. I do, but I calculate that this is not true.

Took some Schuessler salts, gheghe, most of them actually. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I can breathe again! Throat infection gone-ish, sinuses back to unswollen position. Face looks funny though because I decided to

The other day I dreamed that I had signed up to do a personal transformation course and we had to walk up a really steep mountain of which all the steps looked totally different. I thought: “It is really, really important to take the time to do this. The goal is not to reach the top, the goal is to look at each step, to take it in and transfer the knowledge which is in it.” At the top was Buddha waiting for us disguised as a monk. He was young but way way older than I. He and I had some wordless communication. I woke up wonderingย  “I know it is true but why are the steps so important?”

Denial is BIG ;-).

It is time to go to bed. If I do what I did, I get what I got; restlessness. I know this can turn around even with a few days of really doing things. Does not have to be big. Cooking, taking care of me, cleaning, being consciousness, reading.

Thank you for reading. I’m fine-ish. Guess I have to learn to take the next step and not wait my life out.ย  I am happy that I quit. Every day of not drinking takes me one step further away from the abyss – and no matter, even if I do not ‘improve’ like crazy, I still practise sober time. And well, time will bring the answers. Either I get bored with me or the world does and in both cases I have to change my tune. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I go to bed now. Bed = good.

xx, Feeling

Dust settling and the function of dust

Came home from work today. Boss is on holiday for a week. This brings rest to the workplace but also a lot of disorganisation which, now I have my head cleared of my fear for her, becomes very obvious. It is irritating. Funny thing is that I immediately assume her role and start to organise the process. Not sure that I like this trait in me.

So, been a busy day, came home and I realised thatย  for me the work issue dust had settled. loneliness hit me like a, what, wrecking ball? So, is this what problems do for me?ย  “You take us away from the squalor of the real world”. I have, in my life, wondered about the function that stress has in my life. I really never do without so I wonder if I can. I, well, actually I think I am addicted to stress. Hmmm, that is as far as I would like to go now feeling/thinking wise. Ooh well, there is this: I think there is something in me which drives me to difficult situations where I recreate oppression and fighting. I think my usual recreation was fighting and losing and now I tried fighting and actually keeping my ground. NEW. ๐Ÿ™‚ When writing this it feels like it is connected to my birth pattern where I was stuck for a long time in the first clinical stage of delivery. And then actually retracted from this position (medically impossible they say, but it happened) turned from a face-up delivery position to a normal face down position and got propelled out in 3 consecutive contractions. I have not given birth but I would assume this is not a nice way to ‘break in’ a birth canal. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ The idea with the being stuck in the phase 1 (BPM 2) that is imprinted in the person is ‘no way out’. I feel I have that. Always. Only an act of extreme power, like threatening death and destruction can get me into motion (BPM 3)ย  So if I get stuck I suddenly do something drastic, a life or death thing, and I ‘walk free’.

This is how I quit drinking. It will sound overly dramatic, I am not in short supply when it comes to drama, but I actually thought there could be a possibility that I die from delirium tremens. Not sure if that is logical at all, somewhere on the net there is this sentence which says ‘DT typically blabablbabla with alcoholics who drink 6 pints or more a day’. So, it was obvious I was going to die. Did not. Or maybe I did and all this is purgatory, heaven or hell. Who knows. Drama. Living on it. Feeding on it.

My nice female colleague is having troubles with the not so nice female collegue. I don’t like the not so nice girl either but boss told us to get along so I do. And otherwise the workfloor gets really yucky. My nice collegue has been screwed over Big Time by the not so nice collegue. If I were not in the situation I am in I would have intervened. Also: the running gag is that the nice guy and I are in love and the not so nice girl is after the nice guy. So whatever I say about the not so nice girl is being picked up as jealousy. Sometimes it is: we work our ass of and she gets away with just showing hers. She is the one who hides in the corner in order to be invisible and therefore ‘make more hours’. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Well, long boring story longer: my nice female colleague is pissed. And walking a very dark path where she is almost continuously angry for weeks now. Everything that happens adds to her being pissed. No matter what I say, not matter how and how long I listen to her and try to help her sort her emotions; she is hell-bent on anger. What an eye opener.

My therapist said that if I thought I should learn to live with the situation at work and be at peace with it I should let go of the feeling of righteousness I have about what the boss does. I get stuck on ‘she is wrong, she is wrong so I am right.’ I see my colleague doing that now and it really is an eye opener. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m going to see if I can find an opening in her drama so she can let some steam off and maybe look at things in such a way that she does not have to go all destructive. Caution thought. Projections ahead. ๐Ÿ˜€

Above is what I wrote yesterday. Today, weekend day off I realise that I have been very much caught up in the boss-work-destruction drama for the last, what, 6 months? I noticed the last month that there were very few deep developments and very few NEW! statements in my blogs. Today I feel free again for the first time. OBVIOUSLY I need to put a damper on that freedom again by noticing how stupid I have been behaving ‘that I did not really see this before

Years ago I had a dream where I had born myself, so was pregnant and the baby was me too. ๐Ÿ™‚ The dream ended with a vision of me walking about as a toddler where I had little black and white blocks in my body and whenever I stumbled these blocks would unailing immediately and disturb me very much. Today I thought: THAT IS ME! I AM THAT! I lose my balance so easily and while I was thinking that I am a sissy and not worth living in this world I realised that this ‘skill’ actually is a skill. That I, because of the balance thingy I have known VERY WELL what is evil and what not, where my boss goes of track attacking and degrading me and where she is a boss giving what feels good and sustainable and what not; what will make me drink and what not. Again: feeling my way back into life. I still really like that name. Using what I am best and worse at to live. ๐Ÿ™‚

I wrote the above 20 minutes ago. Nah, I wish, I wrote it more than half an hour ago. In between I did useless things on Facebook which I can not even remember now. I need to get out of this addictive patterns. I’m going to clean the house. I will turn off the computer.

Add in: I once asked the ayahuasca spirit what I need to do with my life and she said; “The only thing you need to do is to become clear.” I took that as in: quit drinking. Then I quit drinking and I realised that I have an addictive personality so now I am trying to unraffle that. It is not going very quickly, gheghe, but the intent is there and I see light at the end of the tunnel ever so now and then. Which, gheghe, is so scary to me/the addict within (?) that I do step back in the dark quickly.

A woman who loves herself would step it up to really start making some differences in her life. This has been going on long enough. I am now free of worries weighing my down, I should use that freedom.

I am soooo happy that I quit. First: if I had not quit I would not be alive today. Not that I have been enjoying being alive very much lately but I do not think it is/was my goal to dieย  in the past years. And really, when all motivation fails me; the thought of having to do any of this over again in another reincarnation, pfff, no no no no no no NOOOOOO! ๐Ÿ™‚ Secondly: I feel that with quitting I opened a door which was always closed. Like described in the birth pattern: the ‘thought behind’ my life is a continuous experience of being stuck and oppressed and me having to fight my way out or die. Quitting made it possible for me to experience an opening in that darkness which was mild and caring, not dark and fighting. Even though I do remember quitting as a do or die decision which, by the way, made it almost extraordinary easy for me to quit = nice! How darkness leads to light. Hmmm. Don’t wanna think anymore. Need to do and forget, let go, relax. Not everything is war. I am becoming sick and tired of the darkness that I look for / is engrained / I look for / is engrained / I look for.

Wishing you a nice sober day!

xx, Feeling

How you deal with this will show you how you deal with sobriety

Now there is some beautiful synchronicity going on in sober blog land. I feel it happens a lot but I found this one very remarkable. Unpickled put up a beautiful post on unwinding without booze here. And the Tom Waits quote that accompanies it is exactly the message I got from the rehab guy who visited my dream last night.

Tom Waits: ‘How you do anything is how you do everything.’

Where 2 days ago I said I don’t don anything with dreaming I suddenly got curious last night. Before I went to sleep I asked for a dream which would show me what my status of sobriety was / how I could develop myself in sobriety and there were 2 dreams.

The first was one where I drove off with my grandmother to bring her home and because I felt responsible for her and also because we were having a good time I ignored all the signs from the outside world on messages of war. There was also a neccessity to me driving because the rest of the family had been drinking. While leaving my parental house I saw jets flying by and one circling back to get us. I pushed my grandmother out of the car, told her to hide and continued my way because if I would leave the car at that same place we would both be death.

A few hundred meters I put the car on auto pilot (what is that called?) and jumped out into a ditch as well, realising that I should have done that earlier because the pilot had seen me. The first rocket hit the car and then the jet circled around to fire at me with an automatic something weapon. He missed and left. I realised that I had not, second by second, minute by minute been taking care of myself by reading the signs of the outside world because I did not feel like it. While (in my dream) it was actually known that cars would be bombed.

So because I was having a good time and not paying attention I almost got killed. Yes, yes, that would be quite dramatic but I guess would I return to alcohol I would not be far off, would I?

Secondly was a dream where I went into rehab to learn stuff I had not learned on my own and weird, weird, weird rehab guy thought we should detox from EVERYTHING so when I said I was not on anything but sugar he injected me with anything and everything druglike – but sugar. Saying ‘How you deal with this will show you how you deal with sobriety.’

How is that for synchronising with Tom Waits? ๐Ÿ™‚ And shit it was awfull, it combined years of drunk nauseous spinning in bed together. And funny, funny, funny, he played me and fired up my vanity and my need to be seen by saying; ‘I will show you how we do this here while taking Feeling as an example because she has most sober experience and is doing really well.’ Which is why I did not protest against this methode. :-/

I felt how I wanted to let go and get lost in the drugscocktail to not ever come back to serious living. And then I caught myself and hung on to my consciousness and tried to center myself ‘through the middle’ of my body, keeping in touch with my spine. I was laying down. During this practise of not losing myself the rehab guy was telling the other girls what was happening and commenting saying things like; “You see here she wants to let go but she realises that she can not do that without getting addicted and she has learned that not getting addicted is easier than detoxing. So that is good. But see how she would love to just leave? She is hanging in there, this is her responsibility on earth. She knows that but still she is not doing the full excercise. If she was she would not be nausseaous and the poison would just leave her body without it touching or affecting her. So there is still a step she has to make. ”

I guess, in the dreamworld it would be very true that I would not be sick from the drugs. I felt I had the power and I did not want to take it because shit that requires organisation I don’t want to do.

So that is that state of my sobriety. It allignes beautifully with the Puer Aeternus book I am reading (from Marie Louise von Franz) – it is a solid explanation of Carl Jung’s depth psychology insights on well, people with a Peter Pan character like I have. Can’t adult, please don’t make me adult.ย  I’m only 11 pages into the book and it is all about males, and Jung has a big differentiation between male and female psychology so I’m guessing there will be some other part on the female reaction to this but for now I recognise a lot of the Puer Aeternus in me and it is not comfortable. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

cant adult today

I am happy that I quit. Obviously something in me thinks it is time for another step; getting organised, incarnating fully. Ooh, Jung’s ‘solution’ to the Puer Aeternus was ‘work’. Which I guess is what I am doing with my tiny job and focussing on getting my clear head back again. It is funny how all the puzzle pieces of life seem to come together now I let go of thinking that I can control stuff. And even though I have this tiny job where I do simple things I find it difficult enough to actually organise my live again in a new way. When I look at my bank account and house and well, being single and overweight and well, what have you (I!) I feel sad. But whenย  I practise compassion I know that I am EXACTLY where I need to be and learning what I should. Now with the message to take it a little more serious too. ๐Ÿ™‚ Ooh shit. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I sooooo don’t want to take that extra step.

Yeah, I’m going to ask for a dream to show me what would be good / better in my life if I were to take that next step. ๐Ÿ™‚ That is a good idea. ๐Ÿ™‚ Let’s see if it works. ๐Ÿ™‚

For those of you thinking is is all a load of BS; it might be. But when I asked a dream and then do not take the dream seriously I do not think I will get an answer the next time I knock on my (sub?)conciousness or whatever place that dream came from. And yes, I am easy to influence, so when I read a book I take the information in on, not sure how to explain what goes on, but on energetic or ‘cell’ level as I call it so when reading I live in the (energetic?) world of the writer. If a book can’t make me do that I take on the arrogant idea that it is not a good book, or not timed well. ๐Ÿ™‚ So I am not at all surprised that I asked and got an answer.

Look and you shall find.

Knock and you shall be opened.

Ask and you shall be given.

I take: Ayurvedic pills and some Schuessler cell salts against the heart palpatations I had the other day. I need to start to take care of me again seriously because I would really like to move my arm normally and start doing some yoga to excersise some muscles which I could benefit from at my work. But, ha, as the dream says, I don’t. Maybe I should do yoga and maybe that will improve my arm. Gehgehgeghe…. maybe it is a same thing with not drinking: if my life improves I can stop drinking or…. if I stop drinking my life will improve. So why don’t I try? Hmmm? Because I don’t go that extra mile. :-/

Wwawwlhd? She would finish this post and go make some soup.

3 Things: my dreams, the post from Unpickled which stressed the importance of it, I was on the verge of wanting to not write and not think about all of this. And the Puer Aeternus book which might actually have the answer in it to the question why I think I am not fully incarnated in this life. Let’s see. It is eh, very uncomfortable but I can’t go asking for answers and then spitting them in the mouth can I? :-/

On discipline: guess my dreams just told me I need to up it a little. Oooh… sigh…. I don’t want to adult.

Well, here I go. Wish me luck. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling.

Twins and one dying

Well, I’ve been not wanting to write this for a very long time but ‘signs’ urge me to so here it goes…. 2 Years ago I had a solo sexual experience (how is that for an intro to a post?) which within seconds shocked me into an experience of feeling ‘my brother’ dying and me re-absorbing the atoms and energy of his body and mind / consciousness / spirit – I don’t know what, but the essence that would make him him in this world, not the eternal part. In this experience I was in my mother’s womb and my brother was actually a twin brother. The grieve, it was, overwhelming. Crushing me, crushing me. So, so, so…. pfffff…. no words there. The powerlessness still makes me cry now when writing this. And then the re-absorbing of the dying energy which was awful, sickening and I pushed and fought to keep it out but I could not and it hurt.

I can’t write this without letting the crazy out to explain it so here it comes: this was in uterus, when experiences where still felt fully and every atom of me moved with the flow of life and everything was Life and then he died. I think to understand now that later, when we come into this world we learn to not experience life as I did then. Or maybe I only did so because of this overwhelming happening. I don’t know. God it hurts to feel somebody dying, the life energy leaving, it was all so clear, so clear. And there was nothing I could do. I wanted to help and safe him, I could not and I felt so guilty because something said that if I had not survived, he would have lived. Or maybe that is what I made of it, maybe that is what my adult brain makes of it. I don’t know. But things fell into place and I wrote a mail about it to my therapist which I believe I never send. I mean, it is like this intro ‘hey I masturbated and then I had this epiphany’. :-/

I still have the mail. This is what it says and I have added some stuff to it that I understand better now.

I think my search is complete. I have been looking into ‘why am I so strange, different, weird’ for years and I think I found the answer in an experience today. I experienced my twin brother dying while we were both unborn and that shaped my weirdness.

I have a tendency to pick up feelings from other people without knowing it. I describe that as lacking a layer in my aura. Within the twin experience I had it was very normal, in my original setting I was not complete as a person – I was two.

I can not remember well now but the mail reminds me also of an overwhelming experience of rivalry which I won, at his expense. This feeling very much ‘aligns’ with the basic feelings I have in contact with other people. Most normal people won’t notice but when I in therapy or on my own, let the crazy out, take off the mask, I can only admit that I ‘energetically’ for lack of another word, scan people constantly whether or not they will kill me, or I them. That is how basic it is. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Sorry. I must sound like a monster. I feel a monster, I feel too much. I feel as if I am too much, too much, too overwhelming, too big to let space for others. So big I killed my brother. Once I did a therapy weekend and the question came up ‘If I exist, can the other exist?’ and my internal answer was NOOOOOOOO! The other way around does not work for me either; If the other exist, can I exist?’ That answer is negative too. So…. my basic idea of life is a sort of kill or be killed thing. Could be biologically very logical, don’t know. I never know if I am actually crazy or other people just don’t know that they are too.

Facebook today: ‘Let your weirdness shine bright so other weird people can find you.’ ๐Ÿ™‚

I feel that the crushing overwhelm I experienced fucked up my core self and knowing what is mine and can be had. And the re-absorption of my dead brothers atoms and energy fucked up the energetic entries into my life. It feels like the rape experiences of later were only re-enactments of my brother dying.

The overwhelm also mixed with my feelings of self-preservation and it is very logical for me to assume now that the energetic base for my aggression towards others and my want/need/having this internal power which says ‘self destruct’ was born in that moment.

During this experience I was shown that I have had the possibility to energetically take up my brother totally and that would put me in contact with the spirit world forever. I would become a shaman by birth. I said ‘no thank you!’ since I very much feel like the spirit world is entitled to run their own affairs without me. Which is a stupid made up ego reply to the fright I felt :-(. The offer came with the knowledge that I would go crazy first, as in, of this planet crazy and then I would have to find my way back to the human world. Another one of those offers ‘you simply can’t refuse’. :-/

I feel guilty that I am alive and always have felt so as long as I can remember. Guilt over killing my brother has always been there. I know I have no proof, other than my experience and my mother bleeding at one time around 3 months for a few days during pregnancy.

When writing the mail to my therapist I mentioned that I saw a relation between the death of my brother, my guilt and my tendency to sabotage relations. I remember that standing out very clearly but currently I have no, wow, I do have a connection to that thought: It is my ‘knowledge’ that I killed my brother with an overdose on female hormones. I would not even know if that is medically possible, have not looked into that. Looking at my hourglass shaped figure with extra filling in the right places I would say that I am ‘gifted’ (good word, looking at the double meaning of it) with high doses of female hormones. What I tend to do in relations is (s)mother. Like I castrated the bookstore man by thinking he’s a coaching project who needs to get clean to be a real person.

Another point I remember from my youth and it has always bugged me is that I had frequent nightmares at the age 3-8 I guess about my actual brother dying or falling into pits or whatever. There were 2 major themes: he was in danger and I could do nothing to safe him. There are a whole lot of explanations for it. There are people who could call it wish-dreams, not sure, possibly so. However to me then it felt real and life threatening and absolute horror. We lived in a neighbourhood with only boys so there was a lot of fighting going on. There is a story where my brother was attacked by 4 or more, can’t remember now, kids which were years older than he and I as a 4 year old jumped in and kicked, scratched, hit and screamed long enough to ward them off. Stories like these were not uncommon but always reported by the neighbours because the playground was in front of their house. Btw: that was in the time where fighting on the streets was ‘something kids do’. And the neighbour said things like ‘you seemed to cope so why interfere.’ Different times. :-/

At the age of 4 I asked my mother why I was here on earth. I remember thinking about that a lot. I could not work it out. Ooh, hmmmm, I only learn now that this is not a surprise :-D.

When I get really sad and cry and lose myself my nose clogges up and I can’t breathe anymore, only through my mouth. This sets of this experience of chocking and dying and an overwhelming sadness which most of the time is not related to the actual issue. Another physical process that happens is wanting to throw up, get the ‘energy’ out of me. This nausea is what I also experienced in my, eh, experience of absorbing the dead energy of my dead brother.

Not sure if it is related but I have a simian line on my right hand of which people who read palms say that this happens due to trauma in the uterus. I am thinking now: is the Simian not the same as twin in English? Or? Well, anyway, the Simian line is where the heart and the head line of the hand are one. Yep, so that is about people who mix up heart and head and don’t know the difference. Sounds familiar. :-/

I have written about this before in post about my Ayahuasca experience and I find it back now in this old mail; I have a tendency to put sadness between me and an experience in a way that ‘everything I love will die’. When I see something beautiful my first experience is happiness over the beauty and even before that has landed safely I put sadness there because I fear ‘it will be broken’, ‘it is not sustainable’, ‘I can not hold on to something that beautiful’, ‘he will not love me anyhow’, ‘she will not like me anyhow.’

Another point in the mail: opposite my tendency to ‘override’ others and well, basically see if I can ‘kill’ them, there is this tendency in me to ward of life energy from others. I have this what my GP calls ‘look about you that you do not need anybody’. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Shit I am wishing I did not have to realise this, this, sadness.

And… awkward part of it; I have this gender confusion, sexual confusion… sometimes it is big and sometimes it is not. It might come as a surprise to you since I’m been moaning about the bookstore man (I soooo wish for a post where this person is NOT included) but that attraction is not physical. He’s actually ‘not my type’ as in ‘does not have what makes me tick’. Which, well, might be a good thing when looking at my history of falling for guys who did make me ‘tick’ but there is no need to even think about that.

Back to gender confusion. I remember the day I found out I was not a boy AND I NEVER WOULD BE. I was 10. I was angry, specifically with the last part. I had always, like, sort of been thinking ‘later’ things would ‘turn out ok with me’. No, I had the birds and the bees talk at age very young, 5 I think so I did know how it works. I just did not feel that way AND I did not want to accept it because my father was dominating the whole family and being a women was a thing to be scared off. I knew that already.

Gender confusion. My ‘epiphany’ came up when, in an orgasm I switched genders in my fantasy. This enormous sluice opened up and all these memories (‘memories’?) came flooding through me. FUCK.

A homeopathic doctor I have says my yang is too strong. When going through the experience I realised that this came with taking up the energy of my unborn brother.

So, how does this continue in my life. At that time I looked up surviving twin syndrome a little but let go because I had more pressing things on my mind as being addicted e.g. But ever since I got sober the twin thing has been pressing on me and it has become more apparent lately. It started with a book about surviving twin syndrome that was on the table in the bookstore and what I read immediately hit home. Like Craig Nakken’s book ‘Addicted Personality’ every sentence was true for me and every sentence was quotable. Obviously I did NOT buy it, thinking it was something I would deal with later.

At my 1 year anniversary the bookstore man offered me the choice of a book and at that moment I thought I need to pick this carefully because it will ring the bell for my 2nd year. That is a strange choice of words but that is what I thought. So…. I did not choose. I was chosen for by the bookstore man who gave me ‘Who am I’ a short version of Sri Ramana Maharshi’s look on life and what we call the individual and he said: ‘You should at least take this.’ The next time(s) I was at the store I tried to make a choice but could not but time and time again the books that I would pick up would be about ‘two’ or ‘black and white’ orย  ‘light and dark’, everything happened in pairs. I thought it was a preoccupation of my mind with my bookstore man issue but I think it worked out to be different. I wanted to take the twin syndrome book but I can not imagine this year to be focussed on that. I mean, if anything I should be focussing on money. NOW. :-/

The last time I saw the bookstore man he was being very friendly to a female (girl?) friend of his and that hurt. Not so much the (girl)friend part of it but the me feeling excluded as being a person who he would like to be friendly to. Next day he FB-ed I was a ‘coaching project’ and we have not been in contact since. :-/ Falling in love is very educational and has NOTHING to do with reality :-(. It hurts. Well, on leaving the bookstore I walked home through the rain and entered a children’s bookstore on the way. When speaking with the children’s bookstore girl she said ‘My favorite book is from ‘Tonke Dragt’, ‘Stories of twin brothers’. That is when this little bell went of in my head thinking ‘this IS strange’.

I walked home and several tiny things like hearing about twins or seeing numbers like 11:11 and 22:22 have been happening ever since. These have been going on for some years now but are getting even more frequent now.

And now for the strangest part of the funny things. I went to bookstore 2 last Friday. There old bookstore man 2 is still on holiday but I got to speak with the ‘reserve’ bookstore man 2. He ended up giving me a book saying ‘This is the last book I read, it starts of pretty depressing but it ends up being absolutely beautiful, do you know it?’ And I looked at the cover and said; ‘This rings a bell, I have had this book in my hands several times but there is something with it, a darkness I didn’t really feel like getting into.’
‘Yeah, there is, take it, get it back to me some day, and read through the beginning, it is good.’

Something kept nagging while I went home, it kept nagging. I left home, it kept nagging. I did shopping and it kept nagging and then finally this quarter fell: THE BOOK USED TO BE MINE! I brought it to the 2nd hand book store a few weeks ago and gave it to the bookstore man 2. So from all the 15.000 – 20.000ย  books in that store, this reserve bookstore man, who knew nothing of this, hands me back ‘my own’ book. It is ‘Animal dreams’ from Barbara Kingsolver and the first page is about twins. I had taken it from a pile of a neighbour who was cleaning up her house and offered it for free on Facebook. When cleaning up my book cabinet I realised that I could not get past the darkness it emits so I was wondering if I would read it. So, I guess by now I should read it. ๐Ÿ™‚

All in all anything I think to know about the vanishing twin syndrome and the ‘murder’ I accuse myself of could be related to the murder I do on, well, who know, the male part in me? The males around me? Whenever somebody in my environment mentions something about certain groups in society behaving criminal I tend to reply with saying: ‘95% Of the people in prison is male… so where do you think I put the blame for crime in this society?’ Yeah, I don’t normally make friends with that statement, but then again, there is no need to be friends with racists is there? Oooh, there still is some real nastiness there. :-/ I was thinking that contact with the bookstore man had made me see that men are human too. I guess I outsmarted this equalizing experiencing this by sexualising the relationship. I actually do know and experience that men are human (without the too.. :-)). It is just (?) that when I get down to the nitty-gritty I realise that in some modes of existence I do not accept that. I guess this has to do with me going into survival mode where everybody is enemy but men most.

My mail also mentioned another insight which I does not connect to me currently but it says ‘contempt is guilt projected onto the other.’ Does not ring a bell today. Which might be funny because I am thinking that some of you might think this whole post is about this but, what can I say, it does not ring a bell.

So…. I can write almost 3000 words on a 10 seconds experience :-). Letting it settle in me lasted way longer, longer. As I said, this happened almost exactly 2 years ago and I still do not know what it is about. I do think it links back to the dream of me having me as a baby. Where the black and white and the balance are very important.

And I do think this ‘concept of two coming from one going to one’ strongly connects to my view of the world, to my higher power if you will. My idea of a higher power is the creative energy, chaos if you will that shapes what is in this world. And as everything in nature there is no such thing as only growing who knows where, there is also the organising thing and the boundary thing. The yin and yang if you will. I actually came to this ‘division’ of the world through an Ayahuasca experience. I wrote, well, actually copied some stuff into the post ‘Yeah, I found what I was looking for!’ it is about male and female and balance.

Ghegheghe, the bookstore man on balance: ‘Pfff, balance, balance…. balance is overrated, balance is very boring and the experience comes when the unbalance happens.’ Aaah, shit, I’ll miss that. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ He, nor I, can, by no means afford to unbalance even more but I just love the, well, I guess the rebellious thinking in this. I guess this is where the attraction is attached. :-/ Well good to find out. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I added ‘And the learning and shaping happens where we want or need to get back to understanding, integrating the experience and / or ‘the balanced place’.’ Or something like that.

Yesterday I was thinking about this while undressing. I have carried a black and white pebble in my pockets on and off for years now, dunno why, it seemed important after having read ‘The alchemist‘ from Paulo Coelho. The main person has black and white stones as well. A few weeks back I had been wondering why oh why they never fell out of my pockets as they did in his case, they would ‘point the way’. ๐Ÿ™‚ And yesterday they did, for the first time in years. I am guessing I need to proceed my learning about the world in the direction of balance and the yin yang concept or I’m guessing the Peruvian / Ayahuasca organisation of the world. Guess I feel at home in this concept of two coming from one going to one. Ghegheghe, or maybe all religions are based on that. Let’s see. :-/

To make a long post even longer. I got to writing this because my therapist said something about my animus not being strong or whatever – because I did not understand it very well. I do understand that there is something with boundaries and regulation and ‘discipline’ if you will out of balance big time. And the drifting in the chaos like I do in my life, I mean, even the way I write: long posts, no editing is unregulated, undisciplined. So where I do not understand the link back to Jung’s archetype thinking I do know something somehow. But not how to put it right. Bummer! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I am happy that I quit, still in this way of pfffffff, looking back and thinking ‘thank God I do no have to do that again….’ I did have a drinking dream the other day. I think it came up with the post from Live to be continued where she mentions that she got trolled by somebody saying something which I translated into “If you can quit so easily, maybe you are not addicted’. I have that too. It is my weakest point. I tend to then point at my bank account and say ‘Now who’s not addicted?!’ But still, in my dream I wandered off. And the strange but informative thing was: I did not like the drink, I thought it smelled like poison, I drank it any way because of the feeling I was expecting to get from it because other people said so…. and because I did not want to have to stand up for myself. Did not want to fit out. If that is a word. Ooh, they also said that if I could quit so easily, I could have that drink, just one to try if it was really that bad. Isn’t it marvellous how dreams can just create people telling me exactly what I most obviously would like to hear?

I am getting into serious trouble with another addiction currently: chocolate. I am up to 100 to 150 grams and I start buying other goods too so I do not only have the chocolate in my basket. The other day I hid chocolate from my SIL. It is amazing. Very informative and it shames me but I solve that by acting like I am past caring. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I don’t know why I need to cry now. I don’t know. I thought I would be tough and in control. I’m not. While there are few people in my life who actually as precise as I do know how damaging it all is. Well, dark 72% eco chocolate, but still… it is starting to replace my dinner.

I need: well, stop running and listen to my body. I am very tired, again I have not slept due to pain in my arm and shoulder because of the infection of the tendons and my heart is pumping like crazy to make up for, dunno what. My body said: easy on the chocolate, no more meat!!!!!!!!!! MEAT IS DEAD!!!! And more water, no tea, tea has an opinion, sends me places. No tea with herbal effects. (Did your body ever tell you that tea has an opinion?) Well, if this is what it is, I might as well do what my body says and see what it brings.

I want: things to be easy and me to have a lot of energy because, as I said my heart is pumping heavily in my chest because of being tired.

I take: Schuessler salts but not in the right quantities, not sure what I’m doing there. Becauseย  I do not sleep well I eat late and forget my Ayurvedic pills.

On discipline: non, apart from sitting down and meditating / listening to my body and funny enough I have made my bed for over a year now too. I never used to but when I got sober it somehow felt like a good thing to do and during that time I set my intentions to ‘sober’.

3 Things: this post. The beautiful dark blue candle which has been accompanying me during writing. And you, making it to this point in the post ;-).

It’s another long story to document what is going on. Some day it will make sense to me why I write it all down. ๐Ÿ™‚

I hope you have a nice day.

xx, Feeling

On happiness, or lack thereof

So true, but sometimes I just can’t find my happiness switch. I guess it is the path to work out what is preventing me from being happy.

Not sure how that works with missing people. Grief is a goodbye that has not been accepted. Or so, or I don’t give a shit I just miss my mother a lot. Next 25th it the 7,5 years anniversary of her death. No I don’t count the days, it’s just that I count my sober months and this 25th is my 6th month sober. And I quit at her dying day. It just feels like I have to go through it all again.

I am happy that I quit but today is difficult. I feel like I am floating through life and it is time to start filling it in.

I want: to not hurt, not be sad, not be missing my mom.

I need: to start taking some responsibility and push myself a little, and it is time for that now. To sleep. Had a bad night again last night. Powerful dreaming. Possibly due to the Calcium I had been taking or the whatever brand dream tea. Which I don’t believe in specifically but it tastes good. Maybe I should believe in it and I will take a book to my bed to write in when I wake up.

I take: magnesium in Schuessler tissue salt against chocolate cravings and a twitching eyelid, inability to relax, feeling powerless, dealing with stress from society and haha… addictions. Let’s see what it does. It is also for falling asleep quickly and it resets your idea of sleeping time to what it should be what possibly causes me to be very tired since the sun went down.

Don’t feel like writing. Need to sleep. Have a nice day/evening/night.