I have found what I was looking for

When I became sober it was my wish to get out of the state of addiction and become clear, transparent. To be who I am and not carry along these layers of shame, guilt, pain and misunderstanding of Life. As in such, becoming sober is a part of the path I (want to) walk. I was not sure where and how it would ‘fit into’ or ‘latch onto’ anything existing in this world but I had a vision of it: I wanted to become my core what I now call Self which I had seen in an ayahuasca ceremony. I want(ed) to learn to back away from my reactionist behaviour and not let old emotions, experiences stand in the way of a beginners mind / transparency. Not let old, unprocessed stuff colour new experiences.

Up to now I had not found where in this world I could find anything which could tell me about this road or this place. Up to today. πŸ™‚ An internet search dropped this into my lap.


Fundamentally, Sushumna is attribute-less, it has no quality of its own. It is like empty space. If there is empty space, you can create anything you want. Once energies enter into Sushumna, we say you attain to Vairagya. β€œRaga,” means color. β€œVairag,” means no color, you have become transparent. If you have become transparent, if what is behind you is red, you turn red too. If what is behind you is blue, you turn blue too. If what is behind you is yellow, you turn yellow too. You are unprejudiced. Wherever you are, you become a part of that, but nothing sticks to you. Only if you are like this, only if you are in a state of Vairag, then you will dare to explore all dimensions of life when you live here.

This is what I want. Long road πŸ™‚ but finally an entrance into this matter that I did not have to come up with by myself. And well, a long road but as I noticed in sobriety: every step is one and baby steps are good.

Reading ‘The gifts of imperfection’ now teaches me a lot. I read about 20 pages a day – which, for me is sufficient when dealing with this kind of matter which in me looks to not only change my knowledge, my feelings, my memories and ideas but also my cells, my DNA. One of the things I learned is that now is exactly the time to read it. I had to let go of an overload of shame and sense of lack of worth before I could take this in. I feel the book is bringing me peace. πŸ™‚ A word I would have never thought to find in this blog.

During the reading of the book I relive situations which have caused me pain and shame and also in which I shamed others. I am strong enough to look at them now without loosing my right to exist or feeling a need to drink away my feelings. The disappearing of the layers of shame make room for space and clarity, I feel I can breathe better and experience my body better. This morning I lay on my balcony in the sun and after reading something which resonated deeply with me I visualised myself standing up and suddenly became aware of tension and ‘charge’ I hold in several of my chakra’s – that was awesome. I have read my Anodea Judith book on chakra’s but have rarely actually experienced them. It is nice to learn how to look and feel more clearly now the mist that shame causes starts to lift.

Another thing I found was this post on the Hawaiian art of healing. It really resonates with me.

Ho’oponopono professes that we are all connected beings and if we see something wrong, it is a part of us that has brought us to that particular event/situation. Any event in our life is brought to us through our own vibrations.

In earlier times, if one person behaved criminally then the whole family, clan and village felt they were responsible for that behaviour. HoΚ»oponopono was communicated by the village and it was addressed to the ultimate Spirit and Gaia. The heart of the mantra was – β€œWe are responsible.”ho’oponopono mantra β€œWe are sorry.” β€œPlease forgive us.”

I have, from childhood onwards, looked at behaviour of people and wondered why there are so many hurt people and nobody helps them. We let children grow up in dirty slums with no place to play, no money for good food, worse, only money for poisonous fastfood and when it is ‘too late’ and the negativity of their surroundings has caught on to them we shame them, punish them and put them in jail for stealing, using drugs and other ‘criminal’ acts. I always wonder: who is the criminal here? To me it seems we have build a society where there is a definite lower class who carries the burdens of our (?) ‘success’. We do that worldwide by exploiting factory workers in Asia, Africa, we do that within countries where we allow beggars and junks to live in the nastiest circumstances, we allow that in classes, where the kid with the poor clothes and the snotty nose is the scape goat. Wealth creates a definite upper class of haves which lives on the have nots and… is ok with that. And the inbetweens keep striving and striving. The Hawaiian healing system says we, as a tribe need to take responsibility there otherwise we don’t heal. I’m thinking that is true.

I believe this concept of leaching on the weak was present in my family too. Now the curtains start to lift I truly experience how we preyed on my mother. In order to describe the relation between my mother and father I once said; ‘There are people who get cancer, and there are people whom you get cancer from.’ However harsh it sounds, looking back now, with shame lifting and being able to look at what different energy flows we had in our house I am guessing it comes very close to the truth. I am sorry mama, I am so sorry.

And… this is one side of the truth. Getting off track but mentioning it here for later reference: my mother did what my therapist calles ‘subjugation and resistance’. Not sure if he said that about her, it’s just a principle many women, people, live in: first ‘voluntarily’ subjugate to another and from there on…. fight against it! I have it too in relations to men, I feel I use as a way to keep me safe. ‘If I don’t stand up for my rights I will not be seen and not be shot down.’ (raped that is) And then in the relation suck and tease and fight because the subjugation is ‘not really my thing’. Touching on a deep fear here: I fear when I show Worthiness, when being a woman, which is pretty much a given, I will be raped. I think that was true for the environment I grew up in. Not sure though, truth has become something with many faces.

Yes, truth, truth… would come in handy. I am thinking lately that truth is relative to the world we live in and the position from which we look at things. Yeah, yeah, I know, I am 45 and I should have gotten to that point a little earlier possibly :-). I’m getting there… it is just that I don’t want to seem to let go of too many securities all at once. Truth sort of feels like a jar filled with skittles; some people only look at the orange, others only at the green ones and when speaking about their world they speak their orange and green truth. Like I used to think that all men are assholes.

And then there is this:

cylinder licht vierkante en ronde schaduw

And then there is this, the different bodies where the use of plaster to heal a broken leg is smart in the physical body but the astral body has totally no use for it.

bodies lichamen

And then there are all the different worlds people live in, physically but also emotionally and spiritually. I wish I could map it out to understand it better. I could not find a photo to accompany it, it has to do with different planes too. I feel I do a lot of shifts through these worlds and modes and perceptions but I have no overview. It will come.

So, yes, I got of track here, funny to notice that this is another new ‘first time’ that I really start to consider editing a post to keep it more concise and understandable. I’m guessing that this thought pops up because I start to belong to myself a little more and that makes me feel like I don’t fit out and that makes me able to dare to fit in by editing. I am guessing my not editing is, next to not restricting myself in what I write, also a (sometimes not so nice) protest against the world. Yeah, the whole world of course. ;-).

I’ve lost track of where I am with this post but I need to leave so here’s a quick end:

I am happy that I quit, realising now the necessity. Also needing to do my desensitization training more because there is a power inside building up towards the 1 year anniversary which I find difficult. It’s this ‘if I can do it one year without, I might as well….. drink again.’ And it is coming at me from a whole lot of different angles currently, mainly mental things, not longing things.

I need: eh, to go on with what I do AND work on work together. Now I still have money to be able to choose.

I want: to have enough money to be able to settle in this confusing time where I am actually not confused but the world seems more confused to me. It is disturbing and I don’t know anymore where I fit in. Even though I fit into myself better and better.

I take: Ayurveda pills, really enjoying them. Ayurveda diet which currently is: no yoghurt, no banana, apples and pears only cooked (good breakfast! :-)), vegetables only cooked, cheese is ok but no or little meat. I do sometimes have chocolate but ha! I am actually looking at the quantity I am eating and considering eating less and acting upon it. No difficultly. And… no promises. I saw a photo of me yesterday with some tiny kids. I was appalled by my enormity. Need to find a healthy way to deal with that.

3 Things: 1 The gifts of imperfection book, 2 The system that ‘failure’ helps me to sort important stuff out and grow. I’m thinking if I had not worked out what is in the posts of today and the one before I would only be getting sicker and sicker. 3&4 My bravery to look at all the issues and my ability to hold my own space while doing so.

Discipline: still in the phase of doing things the whole day. Netflixing and Facebooking only in lunchtime. This morning I even started to plan some stuff while being in bed (NEW!!!) and my plan for tonight is to go to bed early and break the 1:30 am I’m doing these days. Let’s see. πŸ™‚

Hope you have a nice day/evening. Thank you for reading and being with me on this journey. πŸ™‚ ❀

xx, Feeling

19 thoughts on “I have found what I was looking for

  1. I love your post.
    All of it.
    I’m working on my own chakra energy. I wish I had an Ayurvedic doctor around, but I think I will find one online and do this remotely. I read the books. I just want more direction.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Anne πŸ™‚
      Online help might be difficult because the Ayurvedic doctor needs to feel your pulse, look into your eyes and tongue (don’t eat, drink and don’t brush your teath 2 hours upfront) to determine your type. Even in our tiny country is it not unusual for people to travel 200 km for the Ayurvedic doctor I am seeing currently. But he tours around the country too. Maybe you can find one who does that where you are? If you do find one, there is a tip: if he/she is traditional and Indian he/she might not be all too forthcoming in sharing information you do not ask for. I believe it is a cultural thing or something about not giving people things they can not yet deal with – related to ‘When the time is ripe the teacher will appear.’ So when you find one prepare to politely ask a question, and another, and another…. πŸ™‚
      I’m too low on pitta and way too high on vata and kapha – now who would have guessed ;-).
      How do you work on your chakra energy?
      xx, Feeling


      • I’m seeing an energyhealer. She is frigging amazing. I do reiki to myself, but this lady is fascinating. I leave every time vibrating with energy.
        I’ve done some root chakra mantras. I really want to go to kundalini yoga, but again, none nearby. The closest city to me is 450 km away. I live in a remote part of canada.

        I’m doing another yoga training starting in August with a different teacher. She is for India and very involved in the spiritual/ physical aspects of yoga, which I want more of. Perhaps she will be the teacher I am looking for, or will direct me to one!

        And I am going to a she recovers retreat on the 12th for 4 days. Recovery and yoga. Not learning or training, but just being and healing. I am looking forward to that.

        Liked by 1 person

      • 450 Km away…. we can’t even travel that far without being out of the country here. :-). Not sure if you are interested but a yoga teacher school owner I met at the bookstore spoke of an address in India / Asia somewhere were she once every so many years, does a 10 – 15 days pancha karma for something like 1500 or 2000 Euro / 2300 USA dollars. I can check with her if you like? She has compared several and likes this one best. She knows her stuff, her private library is twice the size of the bookstore and she looks 15 years younger than she – which I think are good signs :-).
        Let me know if you are interested and I’ll check with her.
        xx, Feeling


  2. Feeling… I understand what you mean about “some people have cancer; others give you cancer.” My mom was always the pushover in the family, the dumb one, the weak one, the butt of the joke. She ended up with cancer, and survived, but is also in a mental institution right now, as far as I know. The way I described it as a teen was through the Pearl Jam song, “Better Man.”

    My dad was the overbearing asshole who for most of our childhood had no idea that there were more emotions possible than Normal and Angry. I remember at some point in my teen years, he had some sort of epiphany about the importance of feelings, and tried to talk to us about feelings, and my sister and I mocked him, saying “How do you ‘feel’ about your homework/outfit/bowel movement today?” etc. Now he’s a sad old man with few friends and kids who keep their distance.


    Liked by 1 person

    • Dito sigh. Sounds very much like my dad. 😦 He had an epiphany after my mother died about caring for eachother and sexual tenderness and taking time for eachother in bed. Ranted about the subject, not aware that we all were sort of ‘Eh…. dad? We know this shit.’ He also explained he used to force my mother into having sex, every day. I guess he was finally sorry when she died. :-/ I’m not in contact anymore. Families, ooh, families…
      Going to look up that book which speaks about family dynamics and people taking the blame and getting sick. :-/ Not sure what it is called.
      xx, Feeling


      • Are you thinking about the book, “Family Scapegoat?” The term ‘scapegoat’ in English means the one who unfairly gets the blame or punishment for something that is not their fault.

        I don’t know if my mom was unfairly blamed or punished; she just seemed not quite as ‘with it’ as the rest of us were, and so was often left out or ridiculed. Maybe we all had higher IQ’s than she did, or maybe she was slowed down by her developing mental illness, or maybe she just didn’t have the acerbic quick wit that was valued in my family.

        Knowing what I know now, would I be brave enough to step in and change that dynamic if I could go back as a teen? Maybe, maybe not. Fuck. I’m sure as hell not doing anything about it now, and it’s not something I’ve ever mentioned to anyone except the Internet. Thanks for listening.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Acerbic wit, yeah, we all had that, my mother not. I’m thinking we developed it then and there in order to survive. I have never seen happy families where anybody had that.
        I’m wondering, why don’t you speak about these things with people offline? I don’t speak with a lot of people or ‘old friends’ on sobriety but I do speak about these things. Though few understand how deep it goes. 😦 That’s well, yeah, sigh.
        I’m thinking the scapegoat book is interesting but a while ago I stumbled upon something more ‘spiritual and vageish’ (just the way I like it) than this book. It’s a pitty that I don’t live in an English speaking culture where these books are so much cheaper. I’m thinking to get myself an ENORMOUS 1 year anniversary gift in books. πŸ™‚


  3. Why don’t I speak about it offline? Hell if I know. Because I was raised to believe that family shit is family shit, not for outsiders? Because I have an image to maintain in my professional and private communities? Because maybe the people I think are my friends won’t understand, and then I’ll be the weird one?

    I have maybe one or two friends that might be open to this kind of conversation, and even then, I’d be worried about what they would think of me. At least with online, I know that people are listening because they *want to*, not because proximity or history dictates they *have to”.

    For what it’s worth, I’m impressed with your bilingual (and probably trilingual) abilities. I speak English for real, and Spanish to get by in my part of the world, but I couldn’t hold my own on Spanish-language blogs without a great deal of work.

    Liked by 1 person

    • πŸ™‚ I’m Dutch, there’s only 17.000.000 of us but our (former slavery and spice), colonialism, drugs and oil business brings us all over the world so we learn 3 foreign languages in high school. And I added Spanish and a tiny, tiny bit Italian to that later. But today it’s only English and German, tiny bit of French and Spanish, though when spoken slowly I can still understand most of the last two.

      I like the anonimity of the online blog. I really got into a strange position when I spoke with the book store man about my blog. I should not have done that. I don’t think he reads it because he got high after I told him and the minimal stats for The Netherlands never went up so… The freedom to choose is what I like about online blogs too, although I sometimes feel ‘obliged’ to read posts when I’m not feeling like it. And I do assume I’m stretching my online friendships quite a bit with my loooooooong posts. And also, for me the freedom is a little limited because people know I’m Dutch and can see that I read a post because there are very few other Dutch people online in this sober world. I’m guessing they are all on blogspot which is Dutch I believe.

      Your comments on friendship touch upon something I have never understood about friendships in ‘foreigners’. Americans hug eachother at any given time but they don’t speak about what bothers them. Dutch do it the other way around. Hugging on first contact has only been introduced in the last 5 years in some circles. And don’t you speak about this with a therapist either? I’m thinking it sounds like pretty powerfull and charged stuff?

      xx, Feeling


  4. I hear you. I have a regular Dutch customer who showed me her shopping list one day with the impression that I would have no idea how to help. Fortunately, I understand a little bit of German, especially through reading it, and was able to figure out most things on her list, to her amusement.

    I’m not a fan of the American hugging. It seems to be the Latino/Mediterranean influence that’s becoming more prevalent in our culture. I’m 35, which means I’m of the generation where hugging just started to be a thing, but I don’t do it with just anyone. I still shake hands with most of my coworkers and relatives, and I never initiate hugs. In fact, I think I put off a ‘don’t touch me’ vibe to most people.

    Therapists are expensive and I don’t really trust them. I’ve used one *in extremis* but generally believe that most ‘real shit’ needs to be worked out with a ‘real person’ who knows you – not a paid listener or anything like that. I would rather have a friend who rarely hugged me but was a good listener.

    Liked by 1 person

    • ‘I would rather have a friend who rarely hugged me but was a good listener.’ Is it possible that you go look for a friend like that? I’ve been silly to fall in love with the book store man, and by the looks of it we are really getting enough of eachother now. I regret that 😦 In hind sight I would rather have been friends and not risked anything.
      But yours is a nice request to the Universe, not? Better than my ‘I wish for a wise man’ and there come 4 (!!!! NO KIDDING!) guys from 65 to 82 to invite me ‘on a holiday’ with them of which 3 of them after 1 conversation. I was thinking I was just speaking nicely with a grandpa… So, guessing I need more of those ‘don’t touch’ vibes. πŸ˜‰ Working on it. πŸ™‚
      I have an insurance for a certain amount of therapy but I still have to pay upfront, which is fine-ish if it were not for my lacking admin skills and it happens that I wait a loooong time to get the money back. :-D.
      0:00 here. I’m off to bed here. Trying to stick to my ‘get to bed earlier’ plan. πŸ™‚
      Nice speaking with you. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling


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