The land of no self-hate – episode 8

Self-hate is back in its fullest form and I had a bad, bad day. Thought it should go into the journal of my trip to/through the land of no-self hate. I am starting to realise how self-hate / judgement / continuously commenting and having opinions is another form of addiction. It is funny to change perspectives which are so engrained in my life. It even feels like they are in engrained in my body.

It also wears me out, this shifting from one point and taking an effort without taking an effort to not judge, not self-hate, not comment, getting to this point of tranquility. And then falling deep down into the darkness again over something. The opposites get so big. Which is good. I mean: is this not how anybody comes into sobriety too? Drinking and then trying not to drink, not drinking for one day and feeling good and then drinking again  and thinking ‘should not have done that….’ etc. etc. untill the good side of sobriety outweighs the ‘good’ side of drinking.

Well, today was what formerly would have been a bad drinking day and I had no clue what so ever what would help me get out. So I self-hated some more because “By now you should know how to do this! You have read 80% of the book. When are you going to learn if not now?! You say you want to read the book again if you do not get it?! How many books do you have to read to actually ‘get it?! God knows you have enough unread books laying about….. I trip over them every day…”

cylinder licht vierkante en ronde schaduw

And you know what the not so funny funny thing is? I have been doing this ALL MY LIFE! I did not want to notice. Denial? Check! It is amazing how many layers and layers of self-destructive adaptations to Life I have put into place to, to…. to I do not know what.

I stay with the idea that everything we do, we do because we think it is the best option feasible at that moment. My mind is making over-hours do discard that and self-hate me for “the sorry excuse of my life being the best option feasable” 😦 With a me like I have, I don’t need enemies. :-/ And I guess that is exactly what this whole process of self-hate is for: to make myself an underdog so I will not be attacked. Best option feasable at that moment. “Well, parents are dead-ish, other options could possibly evolve so get on with it then…”

In the book ‘There is nothing wrong with you.’ (“Then you have not met me yet…” says the internal voice.)  from Cheri Huber, I have come to the page where she asks students of her group how they went home after a day of learning about self-hate. And funny in a not funny way, the left from heaven to walk into hell. Just as I did. And the more I read, the more I got caught up so that was not the answer today. I could not stay with myself.

This then, also reminded me of moments before I quit drinking; it was almost impossible to be me, it hurt so bad, the despair, the self-destruction, the darkness. And alone in that because; “Who would like you if they knew who you really are?” And also: “Those professional addiction people are only nice because it is their job. Behind your back the think you are worthless.”

I finally did find a video of Jeff Foster. It is about aspects of (self)hate and how feeling displaced in this world is actually stirred on by a real intense wish to live (in a good world). To throw away the mask. To undo myself from the fakeness I have layered upon me.

My energy for doing things has returned in the past week. Again with taking Iodine pills. I keep on forgetting how important supplementing these seems to be for me. And magically it looks like I’m losing some weight too. I think to know by now that I am not depressed. I have seen some depressed people on video and that is not me (anymore). But there is also another thing going on and that is me realising that I put on a lot of different masks. The one who does not always want to be the problem is very prevalent now. I find it difficult to differentiate between real happy and made up happy currently Specifically because I switch from not self-hating and being happy to self-hating like crazy and denying myself to feel that and pretending to be happy for the outside world. Which I then find out later.

When I fall back into the darkness on a day like today I am flabbergasted on they why and how and I have no clue. Would not like to find me like this on a working day. That scares me too.

Maybe today’s darkness was me missing the hug-buddy. Maybe it was the portal day on the Mayan calender which makes people feel down. Or maybe… I am in transition. I have not had a period since the Mirena IUD was taken out a few months ago so… maybe that is here, or has been, or….? Who knows? Maybe I can get my hormone levels checked. That would be an idea.

I have been here before I think to remember but what I experience is something like: a personality is made up of bricks of pieces, experiences, feelings, however you want to see that and it has a glue with a certain personality taste so the bricks of the experience are all facing the way that causes me to react a certain way. Like the above drawing: if my personality is set up to always see the squares, the glue which puts all the experiences in place is now falling apart at some moments and then I see the round thingies. Also I see both the thingies and sometimes I see the ‘whole’ picture. But mostly I am rather tired of all the shifting that is going on.

Ok, cat says it is (way past) bed time. Which it is. She comes to get me from behind my desk and then walks to the bedroom. 🙂 Hint hint.

Last night I had a nightmare I got killed by different people I know in 5 different ways and I kept on getting up and saying “No, that does not kill me, you have to do better than that” in a pretty defiant way. I was however crazy scared shitless. But then the cat woke me up, she does that when I’m having a bad dream. ❤ ❤ ❤

Thank you for staying with my musings which, even in my perception, can be very uncomfortable. I have been reading older posts from me a few weeks now and they even make me uncomfortable. Or maybe that is because they stir things in me which other people possibly do not have. Not sure.

I am grateful that I have quit drinking alcohol. Addiction is a destructive way of ‘living’. Summer has come to The Netherlands and the way people treat themselves is not nice.

A friend of mine came to visit last week. She is from a non Western background and her husband has gotten addicted to alcohol over the last 5 years. We spoke, I finally advised her to go to her GP and get into contact with an addiction care-taker. She would not want to do so without informing her husband so this is where we left it. I hope all goes well. At least the wheels are set in motion. I really dislike seeing how he treats her. I really hope they find good help.

Wishing you a nice, sober day/evening,

xx, Feeling

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7 thoughts on “The land of no self-hate – episode 8

  1. Dear Feeling: I am so very impressed by your thinking, your analysis, your honesty and your hard work. I am not addicted to alcohol, but am finding myself doing dumb, stupid things, over and over, and not being able to stop, even when I know this is not good for me – I don’t yet know what is stopping me from stopping. On we go… “feeling our way into life.” Thank you. TS

    Liked by 2 people

    • Aaah, addictive behaviour, difficult one. Alcohol is something external and can be seen as such which makes it sort of ‘easy’ to quit. Behaviour comes from within and probably cloaks itself as such. Nasty. Have you read books on the subject? That helped me tremendously with alcohol. No matter how stupid, weird, shameful we think something is, there is always somebody who did it before us, became an expert and wrote a book on the subject. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

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  2. “Thank you for staying with my musings which, even in my perception, can be very uncomfortable. I have been reading older posts from me a few weeks now and they even make me uncomfortable. Or maybe that is because they stir things in me which other people possibly do not have. Not sure.” Your writing does not make me feel uncomfortable – quite the opposite, in fact. I often ‘feel’ for you but in an empathic way, not in a pitying way and your words are so honest and real…it’s insightful. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you S_MW. I am happy you find it insightful. 🙂 Since quiting drinking I have made it an effort to find the most honest and most real voice I can find within. Addiction is has its roots in secrecy and shame, to not be truthfull is upholding this spiritual error of addiction. I need to break that bond, shed light on the roots. 🙂
      I say ‘most real and honest’ because sometimes I find a deeper truth underneath what I experienced earlier, but obviously that was not in the picture then before. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

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    • Ooh Wendy, you have no clue how hard this comment hits home here. 😀 I actually DELETED! Yes, I did, I deleted a sentence in the above post after writing it because I could not deal with the truth of it. I was feeling really low and this thought pops up, it says “I need to buy a book”. I went online book shopping for an hour and then I deleted the sentence. It is addictive behaviour so it SHOULD be in here. But I thought it would look stupid and all over the place. So I edited. But with my karma and bragging that I do not edit, that does not work. With my karma I will have somebody from the other side of the world write EXACTLY those words I deleted. Gheghegheghe. Thank you for hearing me from such a distance. ❤ ❤ ❤
      xx, Feeling

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  3. Pingback: The land of no self-hate – Episode 9 | feelingmywaybackintolife

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