How you deal with this will show you how you deal with sobriety

Now there is some beautiful synchronicity going on in sober blog land. I feel it happens a lot but I found this one very remarkable. Unpickled put up a beautiful post on unwinding without booze here. And the Tom Waits quote that accompanies it is exactly the message I got from the rehab guy who visited my dream last night.

Tom Waits: ‘How you do anything is how you do everything.’

Where 2 days ago I said I don’t don anything with dreaming I suddenly got curious last night. Before I went to sleep I asked for a dream which would show me what my status of sobriety was / how I could develop myself in sobriety and there were 2 dreams.

The first was one where I drove off with my grandmother to bring her home and because I felt responsible for her and also because we were having a good time I ignored all the signs from the outside world on messages of war. There was also a neccessity to me driving because the rest of the family had been drinking. While leaving my parental house I saw jets flying by and one circling back to get us. I pushed my grandmother out of the car, told her to hide and continued my way because if I would leave the car at that same place we would both be death.

A few hundred meters I put the car on auto pilot (what is that called?) and jumped out into a ditch as well, realising that I should have done that earlier because the pilot had seen me. The first rocket hit the car and then the jet circled around to fire at me with an automatic something weapon. He missed and left. I realised that I had not, second by second, minute by minute been taking care of myself by reading the signs of the outside world because I did not feel like it. While (in my dream) it was actually known that cars would be bombed.

So because I was having a good time and not paying attention I almost got killed. Yes, yes, that would be quite dramatic but I guess would I return to alcohol I would not be far off, would I?

Secondly was a dream where I went into rehab to learn stuff I had not learned on my own and weird, weird, weird rehab guy thought we should detox from EVERYTHING so when I said I was not on anything but sugar he injected me with anything and everything druglike – but sugar. Saying ‘How you deal with this will show you how you deal with sobriety.’

How is that for synchronising with Tom Waits? πŸ™‚ And shit it was awfull, it combined years of drunk nauseous spinning in bed together. And funny, funny, funny, he played me and fired up my vanity and my need to be seen by saying; ‘I will show you how we do this here while taking Feeling as an example because she has most sober experience and is doing really well.’ Which is why I did not protest against this methode. :-/

I felt how I wanted to let go and get lost in the drugscocktail to not ever come back to serious living. And then I caught myself and hung on to my consciousness and tried to center myself ‘through the middle’ of my body, keeping in touch with my spine. I was laying down. During this practise of not losing myself the rehab guy was telling the other girls what was happening and commenting saying things like; “You see here she wants to let go but she realises that she can not do that without getting addicted and she has learned that not getting addicted is easier than detoxing. So that is good. But see how she would love to just leave? She is hanging in there, this is her responsibility on earth. She knows that but still she is not doing the full excercise. If she was she would not be nausseaous and the poison would just leave her body without it touching or affecting her. So there is still a step she has to make. ”

I guess, in the dreamworld it would be very true that I would not be sick from the drugs. I felt I had the power and I did not want to take it because shit that requires organisation I don’t want to do.

So that is that state of my sobriety. It allignes beautifully with the Puer Aeternus book I am reading (from Marie Louise von Franz) – it is a solid explanation of Carl Jung’s depth psychology insights on well, people with a Peter Pan character like I have. Can’t adult, please don’t make me adult.Β  I’m only 11 pages into the book and it is all about males, and Jung has a big differentiation between male and female psychology so I’m guessing there will be some other part on the female reaction to this but for now I recognise a lot of the Puer Aeternus in me and it is not comfortable. 😦

cant adult today

I am happy that I quit. Obviously something in me thinks it is time for another step; getting organised, incarnating fully. Ooh, Jung’s ‘solution’ to the Puer Aeternus was ‘work’. Which I guess is what I am doing with my tiny job and focussing on getting my clear head back again. It is funny how all the puzzle pieces of life seem to come together now I let go of thinking that I can control stuff. And even though I have this tiny job where I do simple things I find it difficult enough to actually organise my live again in a new way. When I look at my bank account and house and well, being single and overweight and well, what have you (I!) I feel sad. But whenΒ  I practise compassion I know that I am EXACTLY where I need to be and learning what I should. Now with the message to take it a little more serious too. πŸ™‚ Ooh shit. 😦 I sooooo don’t want to take that extra step.

Yeah, I’m going to ask for a dream to show me what would be good / better in my life if I were to take that next step. πŸ™‚ That is a good idea. πŸ™‚ Let’s see if it works. πŸ™‚

For those of you thinking is is all a load of BS; it might be. But when I asked a dream and then do not take the dream seriously I do not think I will get an answer the next time I knock on my (sub?)conciousness or whatever place that dream came from. And yes, I am easy to influence, so when I read a book I take the information in on, not sure how to explain what goes on, but on energetic or ‘cell’ level as I call it so when reading I live in the (energetic?) world of the writer. If a book can’t make me do that I take on the arrogant idea that it is not a good book, or not timed well. πŸ™‚ So I am not at all surprised that I asked and got an answer.

Look and you shall find.

Knock and you shall be opened.

Ask and you shall be given.

I take: Ayurvedic pills and some Schuessler cell salts against the heart palpatations I had the other day. I need to start to take care of me again seriously because I would really like to move my arm normally and start doing some yoga to excersise some muscles which I could benefit from at my work. But, ha, as the dream says, I don’t. Maybe I should do yoga and maybe that will improve my arm. Gehgehgeghe…. maybe it is a same thing with not drinking: if my life improves I can stop drinking or…. if I stop drinking my life will improve. So why don’t I try? Hmmm? Because I don’t go that extra mile. :-/

Wwawwlhd? She would finish this post and go make some soup.

3 Things: my dreams, the post from Unpickled which stressed the importance of it, I was on the verge of wanting to not write and not think about all of this. And the Puer Aeternus book which might actually have the answer in it to the question why I think I am not fully incarnated in this life. Let’s see. It is eh, very uncomfortable but I can’t go asking for answers and then spitting them in the mouth can I? :-/

On discipline: guess my dreams just told me I need to up it a little. Oooh… sigh…. I don’t want to adult.

Well, here I go. Wish me luck. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling.

The bitch awakens

Not sure what is happening but pfffffff, stuff is moving internally and it is only after last nights dream that I get an inkling of what is going on. I think it is related to the book I’m reading, a gathering and explanation of the Jungian idea on relationships. How we (I!) fall and in love and, well, screw up. I was in need of insight on the falling in love part after the thing with the book store man so low and behold the give away store had this book from J.A. SanfordΒ  ‘The invisible partners’ on the shelfs. It is cool. I find this Jungian idea, a little ehm, paternalistic or, well not sexist but connecting traits to gender. But then again, what I am coping with currently, the ‘smothering others in care’ and (also) the viewing the book store man as an addiction coaching project (guess that is the same?) – it all takes place in those archetypical worlds where I am the smothering and critisicing mother so why not read this?

I am loving it but I’m not understanding all of what I am reading. This assigning qualities to genders is very familiar because it equals the stereotyping of this society but I notice that my resistance to that sometimes keeps me from understanding the writing. I don’t want to take it all in because it is partially, well, offensive.., eh, demeaning, eh, haven’t got the word but it cuts against the grain so to say. It is about men having a female part in their ‘character’ called anima and women having a male part called animus. And when person transfers his/her anima/animus onto the other and saysΒ  ‘You are my light, my solution, the reason I live, my everything.’ that is when the Titanic sails. The Titanic sails for a while and then there is an iceberg, reality enters the story and the shit hits the fan.

Oh yeah dreams: not sure what they are about but shit, I keep on dreaming about guys. Not the type of guys I like, that hardly ever happens. I dream specifically of the EXACT TYPE I can’t stand. Like, leeches, schmucks and surfer dudes, no purpose to life other than to leach, betray or make fun and then, IN MY DREAM!!!! they are all over the place and not paying attention to me at all! Kill and attack!!! And I walk around thinking: you are in MY DREAM you should be NICE and they SHOULD BE NICE TO ME!!! PAYING ATTENTION!!! My God, something has got my knickers in a twist. This is food for psychiatrists. HA! The give away store handed me ‘Freud’, Psychoanalysis yesterday. Auf Deutsch!! (in German!) How good can it get? :-))

And with the trial day tomorrow I have this very angry ‘all or nothing’ approach where I can not deal with people doubting me. I feel I have been doubted all my life. My relationships with men and people (hahaha, that belongs on the sofa as well) has, in my idea been so that people EXACTLY do not like me totally, exactly do not love me fully, and that leads to exactly having the feeling of not being accepted. Without doubt this view of people says more about how I think about me, and possibly which people I choose to let into my life to confirm my view. HOWEVER TRUE THAT MIGHT BE IT SUCKS! 😦

I’m guessing tension is building. Must have to do with my trial day tomorrow. And the animus shifts. You won’t believe what I have said and done these last few days.

A women had lost a child and I was looking for it in the park because I had seen a child like that. First I biked around the park, I had to bike on the sidewalk to have a good look at the surroundings. The street was too far off. So when biking onto this 3m wide sidewalk I think ‘Aaargh, I am pretty sure some old geezers will be complaining about me biking here. Well OBVIOUSLY there is a pair of them, he’s walking on crutches, she’s so overweight that I am surprised she keeps up with him. So I got a ‘Oooh! You are not allowed to bike on the pavement!!!’ And reply: ‘Well, come and get me!!!’

WHAT?!?!?! DF?!!?! I never say things like that? Well, I do think them, but say? Wtf is going on? The day before I was awful too. I had my bike by my side at a market, needing to get there and further. When I got to the stall with the olives and nuts I parked my bike partially in front of it thinking: there is nobody, and by the time it is somebody elses turn I will be gone anyhow. So… yes… there comes this other pffff, yeah, geezer again. It’s never Matt Damon, it is always a geezer.

‘Your bike, it needs to go….’ With this ieuw attention drawing, energy sucking way of saying things, with the smelling and the looking from under they eyebrows and having their head tilted. Ieuw! I do not reply.
‘This bike, it needs to go.It is in the way.’
‘It will go when I am ready.’ Short. No attention.
The geezer keeps on muttering under his breath and in between he tastes the olives that are in the front of the booth. While doing this he oh so deliberately shows everybody how ex-tre-me-ly difficult it is to go over the bike, pull back, possibly go through the bike, ooh, pull back, a little more effort, some more muttering, playing bottom dog all over the place. He gets some olives and eats them but then he quickly gets more of them every time the guy turns around to weigh my nuts. And I notice he gets more from the same dish, even picking up 2 at the time and I realise we are sooooo made for each other: he playing the bottom dog and me the criticising queen bee counting the olives he snitches.
‘The bike is in the way…’
‘Well, obviously not so much that you did not have 8 olives from the same tray already…’ (I mean? Where do I get that from?!)
‘Your bike is in the way….’
So I was thinking, maybe he does not have all the options in life sorted out? Let’s be helpful and offer him one:
‘Yes, my bike is here. And you have EVERY possibility to stop moaning about it.’

Isn’t that helpful? Sooooo helpful. πŸ˜€ So yes, the bitch is waking up. I am utterly surprised about this behaviour of mine and the spontaneity with which it pops out. I am not like that! Or, well obviously I am… but…..???? :-/

I’m thinking…. life shows what we can’t deal with yet ourselves. That is the way of karma. I’m thinking these experiences show me my bottom dog and the fact that I actually think I have pampered it for too long, which, I think everybody around me, not being me, will agree to. πŸ™‚ And maybe it is not the bitch, maybe it is my animus. Ooh, yeah, when the animus is not heard it turns bitchy.

I am thinking my dream guys are my animus, totally irresponsible so yes, I have to stand there and tell him off otherwise all hell will break loose. :-/ The underdeveloped animus in a woman is the aspect that gets critical to the outside world or takes it inside.

So, criticising the surfer dude in me is not the way to go. But I’m not sure what is. The content of the book is not very helpful either ‘Chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3, chapter 4. Ghegeghe… guess I need to read the book. πŸ˜‰

So, pressure is rising. Let’s see how to deal with that. Aah 4 things:

What do you fear? I fear being rejected tomorrow and most of all I fear the awkwardness of the women boss who might not be able to deal with the awkwardness I currently carry around. I’m sorry, I just can’t hide it anymore. I have become my living dream and living nightmare all at once: the dream was to have clarity in communication and experience what is going on and it turns out to sometimes feel like a nightmare and exactly NOT get me where I want to be. It might get me where I need to be, but ooh ooh do I not look forward to that. Not that I know what it is. :-/

What do you hope: aah, I have an escape fantasies already, if the above on was not an escape thought already. I think that needs working on. The thought is: I hope she introduces me to the think tank of the company and lets me come up with and introduce new concepts. Hmmm. Which would be very nice but going into an interview or trial day NOT wanting to be where I am only translates in confused energy movements in the conversation. Also, I think I pre-whatever, pre-react if that is a word, to the expected doubts of the boss. The job I am going for is called a low skilled job but actually one needs to have a certain odd level of skills to deal with it. I think I have those, well I had them 25 years ago during seasonal work. Thing is: do I still have them, is it enough to compensate for me having lost strength and enough for my age. I mean, if somebody is 20 and fails the first day, you give them a few chances. If somebody is 45 and fails… hmm…

What do you expect? I expect it to go just as I fear, so I either get cancelled today, I get cancelled tomorrow after the introduction or after a few hours of work. I am expecting this because I keep on feeling I have not sunk low enough to start building again. I thought I had, but now I am not sure anymore. I feel I am going in the wrong direction, something phony about it. Something does not ring true. But as long as I keep believing that, it will not and I will carry that with me and people will pick up on it. Sigh, sigh, sigh, I might be over thinking. I feel like I’m running straight into a brick wall.

What would a woman who loves herself do? She would get a shower, clean the house, call the therapist to discuss this and maybe get some Bach remedies against fear of failing. Which might after all ‘just’ be the source of all this rambling. And then she would go outside and enjoy the sun. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit, it is an exciting time for me now.

I want: hahah, the think tank from the company to already call me now. But I really need to make sure to get back to this job and this moment. This addicty thing of wanting a way out irritates me.

Wwawwlhd? Well, see above.

3 Things: beautiful weather outside, all the books that come my way, the opportunity to work this issues out.

I take: Ayurvedic pills

On discipline: tiny things are way better because I do them with love and if I don’t I still like myself. So the mess in my house has become less personal, it is more mess and I can clean it or leave it. It is not a standard of my failing personality anymore.

Hope you have a nice day. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling