I thought it was time for a new layout. I make such long paragraphs that the small lay that I had does not make for nice reading. Not sure about the picture yet, was looking for something that depicted the natural order of things. This is from a medieval painting depicting god creating the world in a natural order. Not sure about the god part but I do think there is a natural order. I was looking for a photo of nature that shows this but I only get sunflowers and I am not big on yellow or yellow with brown. Those were my worries for the day. 🙂
Went out with an elderly neighbour to an ecological fruit garden just outside the city where we could get our own apples and pears from the tree. Had a nice little walk and some apples of course, beautiful weather.
I feel it is time to start to live again. As in: be responsible for all aspects of my life, not only mental and physical health that I have been looking into the last 4 weeks. My GP3 asked me to draw up a plan since I indicated that I was not ready yet or not willing to look for outside help other than seeing her and my therapist. GP1 had said to me months ago: ‘We need to look into your problem with alcohol, but we will only do what you want and when you want it.’ And that was exactly the only way she could keep me in and doing this. I know me, later I realised that if she would have come up with one tiny hint of a plan in that stage I would have opposed against it. That’s not only booze talking, that’s the character.
Later when I was doing an intake for a program I thought it was a good thing to surrender that part of me but it did not work. I can only do all or nothing so I gave up everything and handed it over to ‘Those That Will Help Me’. That included my, what I call Initiative – my, not sure how to explain, inner responsibility for living?
So I went down hill rapidly from then on. Then at the day they did not call while they had said they would, I collapsed and while collapsing I noticed that I had given everything away. ‘Even they don’t think I am worth saving.’ (add drunk whining) And while noticing that and thinking ‘there is nothing left of me’ another thought came into my head ‘I always, always have myself. What to I want to do?’
I want to quit drinking and I want to become clear, walk my path. I want to Live.
‘How are you going to do that?’ Give it everything I got. I have intellect, I can read, I have this strange ability to feel my way through healing. Taking into account that I have been addicted for so long I still have quite a lot of honesty left in me. I have quit smoking, eating sugar and drinking caffeine, I know how to recognise a trap and if I have trouble or fail I can always ask help. I can trust myself in knowing what is good for me.’
And there is also a part that touched my pride because if (I imagine) that somebody says I’m not worth it, I might as well prove them wrong. Well. Let’s say I have used what I got to break the bonds with alcohol. I thought that was impossible. I thought there was nothing left of me. I guess that I was so hopelessly lost that it really was a do or die decision.
(And I’m going to compare this story with other writing before just to see if it is getting more heroic by the time.)
I have born myself again. Had a dream about that, it was 20 years ago. I had just seen the movie ‘Where the green ants dream’. In this movie an Aboriginal man sits under a trea and dreams his child. I thought that was wonderful, I understood it as meditating on the new child to come and therewith inviting a spirit to reincarnate. And in the same week I read that immaculate conception is technically possible if 2 eggs of a women mix and make a baby. That would make a clone.
So I dreamed that I had become pregnant of myself and that I had born myself. I was having a great time but being 15 I got shunned by my family. Not for being pregnant but for ‘lying’ about it which I did not because I had born myself OBVIOUSLY!! :-D. I was however allowed to live in a tent in the garden but that was about all, and doctors kept on saying that it was impossible and that the baby just looked like me a lot. ‘Give it time and it will look different.’ And of course there was my brother in the sideline despising me. All in all I was having the most important experience of my life and feeling great but I was confused by what was going on around me and people’s judgements.
Having born myself was wonderful. I understood everything I said and wanted and there was no confusion in mother I about ‘does she need a diaper or food?’ And the other way around: baby I could just communicate and be understood. It was sooo good to take care of me and be taken care of by me. In the dream I felt old pain of not being understood and needs that had not been met repairing. I could feel hurt leaving my cells and contentment and peace settle.
In real life I had been a very angry baby. I was born angry and crying angrily and very loudly. My mother said she had never seen such an angry baby. She always said that with some apprehension so I have always guessed that must have been there when I was a baby too. Well, it was there every time she said it. I feel that part of me drinking has to do with me ‘not wanting to be on this planet’. I feel I have not done the last part of my incarnation and that my anger as a baby and now has something to do with that.
Incarnation to me is about living, taking responsibility, walking my path and enjoying life as it is meant to be – whatever that might entail. I have always felt that there is a big part in me that does not want to take responsibility, would ‘rather not be here’ because ‘it is too difficult’. Me quitting drinking is important in this process of finally fully incarnating. If I totally want to be here before I die I have done a good thing with my life. And yes, I am always afraid that only an experience that has the magnitude of dying can get that depressed touch out of me… Hmmm, guess I’m running (trying to run?) to beat that to it. This is possibly a moment where the ‘believing in a higher power’ comes in handy, or letting go.
So, I am thinking I solved not being understood by having born myself and taking care of me. Part of it is sad, another part is obviously food for psychiatrists on narcissism and I have heard the dream being described as ‘a superior form of incest’ too. But I am happy with taking the healing part of it. 🙂
There was an end to it that I do not understand yet. I saw toddler I walk as a 3 years old. My dream said: the problem with you is that you are so …… And I cannot remember that, I thought it was ‘black and white’ or ‘split’ (what would be within the theme of the dream) or ‘divided’. On her body was a raster of lines, 8 horizontal lines connected by 3 vertical lines so it was like a very simple drawing of book shelfs with 14 little blocks. The total fitted on the body of the toddler I and the left blocks, so on toddler I’s right side, where all white, the other blocks were black. And if toddler I did anything that brought me/her out of balance the blocks would shift like crazy and I/she would be uncomfortable.
About the black and white, I guess that can be taken literal; apart from my actual hair colour, compared to others, very little is grey area in me. I live in either/or situations. Trying to work on that, it is not elegant and does not suit my age. It does come in handy while not drinking or saying goodbye to people who are bad for me; snip, there goes the umbilical cord. Actually I am using a few rather nasty character treats to cut the booze connection. Hmmm, peculiar.
Right now I am understanding the blocks as such: I cannot moderate. 🙂 And my body can’t work with sugar very well which is called hypoglycemia and that is linked to getting addicted to alcohol / is linked to drinking for a long time, not sure yet which or maybe both.
Well, that was a long post and 3 to 5 subjects in one again. If you made it this far I thank you. Have a nice new week!
Happy that I quit and proud of it.