2000 light years from home

I guess that about sums it up. Life has been tough. Reading another book on the vanishing twin syndrome has really confronted me with the issue and the sadness I have felt all my life. All the details, every point of it, everything falls into place; even the constant oversharing I do on this blog. Between twins this is not oversharing, it is normal. It is the norm. And in doing so I try to recreate what was. Everything falls into place apart from me. I fall apart.

This immense overwhelming feeling of not being whole, of living and constantly looking for something which in reality cannot be found. Ever. The inability to settle in a house, a life, a job, an occupation even, a relation, a family, always searching, never finding. Always on the road. They call it a hole in the soul and yes, there it is and now it finally has a name. At first I was happy of having found what uprooted me even before I was born and turned me into somebody who is ‘different’, not normal. Now the realisation of having been born this way, knowing that what makes me different has rendered me structurally unsound, unfit to actually find what I am looking for, longing for.

I have always thought that what I am looking for is, well, must be around the corner, where else? I just have not found it yet. But it is not. I now understand this palm reader who, while looking at my hand called out: “I don’t understand you are still alive?!” Like it was written in my palm that I had died, or should have. I did not, my other me did. I have a simian crease as a reminder. 😦

I am tired, lost, lonely. And I don’t understand. I have finally found what ‘ails’ me but shit it hurts. And yes, I understand it must be strange for people to understand this, or even believe the existence of something like a vanishing twin syndrome but I know this is geographically correct, and probably, most likely historically. My mother had blood loss while being pregnant with me, well, me and my twin brother so there is more than ‘only’ my experience of him dying.

This is a sonogram from a twin brother and sister. He is too tiny to survive, holding his big sisters hand.

twinsholdinghands

Funny thing: do you, since you quit drinking, know pretty sure who drinks too much and who is a normy? Can you tell within seconds of seeing somebody? Same here with the VTS. This openness, the hole in the soul, this hole in the aura even. The ability to bond and as I put it ‘make an energetic coccoon’ around two people within seconds. That. Excluding the world and only living for eachother. Where ‘you are me and I am you’ is reality.

Currently I am living in the darkness of his death. So horrific, so overwhelming to witness death up so close and not be able to do something, nothing I could do could save him, nothing I could do to save me from taking it all in; death, destruction, the falling apart from the essence that kept together what I knew as my brother, the other me.

There is not even a path to walk on. I am just floating through the universe and everything is far away. I don’t want to have to search anymore. I am so tired.

This vid explains it ‘all’. Like with the Craig Nakken book on addiction, in this vid almost every sentence is true for me. Please also watch when you are bipolar, have eating disorder, sabotage yourself, have co-dependent relationships and/or addictions. The addictions are not mentioned in this vid but are in the books and website info of a lot of sites. Please not the half black and half white puppet in the presentation, that is my description of me in this dream where I had ‘born myself‘.

 

It is way past bed time and I am not doing what I should be doing but I am happy, well, happy in a very sad way I wrote this post and found the vid. I am also happy that I quit drinking. Life is tough right now but imagine being so sad AND drinking. Ieeehks, not good. 😦

Thank you for reading. I know it is not the most uplifting post I have written. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

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8 thoughts on “2000 light years from home

  1. I’m sending you love and a big hug.
    Have you considered hypnotherapy? It helped me with my life long anxiety..helped soothe a internal feeling of discontent and awkwardness that I have always felt. I found a hypnotherapist who specialized in PTSD, anxiety and trauma.
    This is a huge thing for you to come to terms with on your own. Please find someone to help you…you deserve to feel whole, divine and perfect, because you are.

    Please take care.

    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi Anne,
      Yes, taking care. I have indeed considered hypnotherapy or doing an Ayahuasca sesssion again. Need to find a job first though. Difficult it is to combine the inner world and the outer world these days. 😦 Trying to do what a woman who loves herself would do. Going to see my therapist this afternoon.
      Thanks for dropping by :-).
      xx, Feeling

      Like

  2. Hi Feeling,

    I agree with Anne, you are divine and perfect as you are. It must be really hard to come to terms with something like this. A real loss occurred and a spiritual hole was left in you, the surviving twin.
    My mother always says it helps to translate ones life into a story and she often uses symbolism, myths and stories to understand her own path. I’ve tried to follow her example and it has really helped me.
    It might be worthwhile investigating and reading up on the symbolism of twins and how this translates into the psyche. Perhaps that’s to airy-fairy for you? Whatever your preference traditional psychotherapy, hypnotherapy or shamanic healing – there is help out there for healing from loss.
    We are here for you too. Anytime you want to email me. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • HI HFC, no no, not at all too airy fairy πŸ™‚ I have been thinking of looking into mythology because I find it strange that a phenomenon like this, which is pretty widespread when you look at the figures (1 out of 10 is a womb ‘survivor’) is so unknown in these times. I wonder what the old civilisations had to say about it. I do indeed not understan the spiritual aspects of it. Apart from it being ‘just’ another way to learn to cope with life, death and what comes after. πŸ™‚
      Thank you for dropping by.:-)
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Feeling, you write so beautifully. Thank you for risking and making yourself vulnerable and sharing this with us. I am sending my biggest wishes of healing your way. There are some things that tear us apart and leave us very broken in life…I believe that we each have the power to heal still(even if imperfectly)…but only with the help of our fellow people…just keep reaching out and connecting any way you can (here on the blog, look for a doctor or other practitioner, friends).
    Sending healing thoughts your way,
    Jenn

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Feeling, I did some more reading about the Vanishing Twin Syndrome.
    It would be very hard to have these intense feelings of loss.
    I am so glad you saw your therapist, but I know these feelings will always be with you.
    Much Love,
    Wendy

    Liked by 3 people

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