I guess that about sums it up. Life has been tough. Reading another book on the vanishing twin syndrome has really confronted me with the issue and the sadness I have felt all my life. All the details, every point of it, everything falls into place; even the constant oversharing I do on this blog. Between twins this is not oversharing, it is normal. It is the norm. And in doing so I try to recreate what was. Everything falls into place apart from me. I fall apart.
This immense overwhelming feeling of not being whole, of living and constantly looking for something which in reality cannot be found. Ever. The inability to settle in a house, a life, a job, an occupation even, a relation, a family, always searching, never finding. Always on the road. They call it a hole in the soul and yes, there it is and now it finally has a name. At first I was happy of having found what uprooted me even before I was born and turned me into somebody who is ‘different’, not normal. Now the realisation of having been born this way, knowing that what makes me different has rendered me structurally unsound, unfit to actually find what I am looking for, longing for.
I have always thought that what I am looking for is, well, must be around the corner, where else? I just have not found it yet. But it is not. I now understand this palm reader who, while looking at my hand called out: “I don’t understand you are still alive?!” Like it was written in my palm that I had died, or should have. I did not, my other me did. I have a simian crease as a reminder. 😦
I am tired, lost, lonely. And I don’t understand. I have finally found what ‘ails’ me but shit it hurts. And yes, I understand it must be strange for people to understand this, or even believe the existence of something like a vanishing twin syndrome but I know this is geographically correct, and probably, most likely historically. My mother had blood loss while being pregnant with me, well, me and my twin brother so there is more than ‘only’ my experience of him dying.
This is a sonogram from a twin brother and sister. He is too tiny to survive, holding his big sisters hand.
Funny thing: do you, since you quit drinking, know pretty sure who drinks too much and who is a normy? Can you tell within seconds of seeing somebody? Same here with the VTS. This openness, the hole in the soul, this hole in the aura even. The ability to bond and as I put it ‘make an energetic coccoon’ around two people within seconds. That. Excluding the world and only living for eachother. Where ‘you are me and I am you’ is reality.
Currently I am living in the darkness of his death. So horrific, so overwhelming to witness death up so close and not be able to do something, nothing I could do could save him, nothing I could do to save me from taking it all in; death, destruction, the falling apart from the essence that kept together what I knew as my brother, the other me.
There is not even a path to walk on. I am just floating through the universe and everything is far away. I don’t want to have to search anymore. I am so tired.
This vid explains it ‘all’. Like with the Craig Nakken book on addiction, in this vid almost every sentence is true for me. Please also watch when you are bipolar, have eating disorder, sabotage yourself, have co-dependent relationships and/or addictions. The addictions are not mentioned in this vid but are in the books and website info of a lot of sites. Please not the half black and half white puppet in the presentation, that is my description of me in this dream where I had ‘born myself‘.
It is way past bed time and I am not doing what I should be doing but I am happy, well, happy in a very sad way I wrote this post and found the vid. I am also happy that I quit drinking. Life is tough right now but imagine being so sad AND drinking. Ieeehks, not good. 😦
Thank you for reading. I know it is not the most uplifting post I have written. 🙂