How to start a sober blog

That’s a bit of a pretentious title but I actually made it up because it talks with search engines well. That would be a first :-).

So, hi there, possibly first timer blogger? This is my blog ‘Feeling my way back into life’ and this post is about starting a sober blog. I am assuming that you are thinking of quitting drinking or have done so already. Maybe you need an outlet for all that is happening, or maybe you are looking for sober (online) friends, maybe you are looking for tips and support… Blogs can provide that and more, and less.

Here are some tips which I find important. Maybe you don’t. I have written this rather ‘do this, do no do that’ but obviously you can take what you can use and leave the rest.

TIPS:

Start anonymously

Whatever your reason to blog may be, make sure you start off anonymously.

Because

  • you do not now what you will want to write in the future,
  • because right now you might feel on top of the world thinking you can deal but experience shows that the process of getting sober is messy. Today might look like this: pegapuss kitten

And tomorrow can look like this:

depression-153-58660ae39f1bd__700

In early sobriety you will find yourself in an emotional roller coaster. Whatever you have been suppressing by drinking will rear its ugly head at some point. You will be able to deal way better because not drinking. But still. You need to take care of you and that means babysteps in your own tiny circle.

  • because you want the absolute freedom to (think that) you can let out the beast when writing,
  • because you do want to open up in order to keep sober but not be hit over the head with the consequences immediately,
  • because you do not know if your sobriety will be ‘succesful’ and the shame of having to admit that to people around you might force you into hiding again. There are others who would argue that it is good to have people support you. I am not there (yet?). If people were always so absolutely supportive you and I would not have ended up where we are / were. Addiction is a very unattractive spiritual mistake. Asking for help with it is like needing a loan: you only get it when you don’t need it. I am guessing there are people who want to dare me on this. As I said: trust is not my most well-developed muscle. Meaning no disrespect to the people who have helped me but still – trust goes as far as it goes. As does friendship, as does love. Unlike an addict mindset neither of these gifts are without boundaries. And in my not so humble opinion they should not be boundaryless anyway. Actions have consequences. Getting shit faced at a friends party means that I lose the friend. That is logical and in my opinion a healthy process. Actions should have consequences. Same with addiction: not attractive, let’s go do something else. ๐Ÿ˜‰
  • because there is a worldwide stigma on addiction and you do not have to deal with that or fight it. You have your own internal battles to take care of.
  • because no matter what sobriety comes first and the consequences of going public immediately can stand in the way of focusing on sobriety.
  • because on the net, what you write is NEVER gone. Do not make the mistake of thinking your blog is gone when you turn it off or delete it. The internet has a cache history which is very stubborn in remembering everything you did.
  • Also… there is a waybackmachine where anybody can look up your former site. It always takes a while before the info there is deleted as well.

waybackmachine

Well, many reasonsย  why I advise you to stay anonymous for at least 5 years. Why? Because above and because right now you might be on top of the world, but experience learns that this can change tomorrow.

Why? Because your first priority is sobriety. That is all. You do not know what upheavals lay in the future, you do not know anything about the future. Maybe you want to run for president? The internet remembers everything.

EDIT 30 august 2017 TO THIS POST:

Shame is one of the emotions which are very present and influential in addiction. A lot of the development of addiction has to do with finding your place in this world and mainly overdoses of shame and quilt prevent that. Guilt is about ‘having done something wrong’, shame is about ‘being wrong, feeling less deserving or non-deserving, feeling one has no right to live or less right than others.

The biological function of shame is to keep us from doing stupid things which are out there, to keep us from being aloof and to not go were we say ‘pride comes before the fall’. That is all ok. Shame has it’s function. Problem is, and this is not ok: in this society, shaming people is used as a (destructive) tool by parents, upbringers, teachers, group leaders, groups, peers, well anybody, to keep others in check. Shame is one of those emotions which get transferred very easily. If shame builds up too high in the one, he/she/group will seek a scapegoat and transfer the shame by shaming the other in order to release themselves of the tension and nasty feelings that shame brings. This is done by shaming, by getting angry, by criticizing, by being perfectionist about stuff, by bullying – there are many ways. More info is to be found online.

Next to that, shame can be so ingrown that we shame ourself out of what we want, need, need to do. That looks like feeling you don’t have the right to speak up against a spouse/boss/parent/friend. If you have trouble taking care of yourself (like I) chances are you have not learned this or feel you do not deserve it. That last part translates in not feeling you (i) have the right to take care of you (me). The first part probably means that you had caretakers which did not take care. That is a dangerous, destructive situation which in itself breeds shame.

I am not shame free when it comes to addiction. Also, I know that a lot of people around me, even though they themselves say to be ‘not shaming’ actually do shame me when they feel like it. I have met up with this in conversations several times and it is hugely unpleasant. If I had been recently sober I do not know how I would have dealt with the backstabbing. Which is why I warn you to stay anonymous so if you inform people of your addictive character and substance abuse when you are ready to trust people. Not that you are confronted by somebody having found your blog online. That’s all.

You might be in a state of mind where you wonder what I am talking about. That could be logical because addiction comes with denial and part of the denial is the denial of shame. Trust me, the shame is there. Like all other things it just needs you to be ready for it to show itself. Sobriety is like peeling an onion, we find layer after layer. However: if you were not susceptible to shame you would; A. not have an addictive character, B. be either very enlightened, very autistic or very criminally insane. ;-). C have worked on shame issues for a long time in your recovery already. โค

If anything you should have/take the time to work this out yourself – in your own time. Which is why I advocate anonymity.

Set up an anonymous e-mail account

Set up an anonymous e-mail account at e.g. Gmail.com. That might not be totally legal but sobriety first. Nothing in this anonymous e-mail account should be real – apart from the e-mail account you need to give up as a last resort. So do NOT use an acronym, do not use your cat’s name, do not use your real name anywhere because it will show up, do not enter your telephone number. Nothing. Because you (and I) do not know how things relate back to you.

Also, some search tools allow people to find whatever friends do online all over the web, based on their mail address. So an online nickname is of no use if it is backed by your standard e-mail address or an e-mail account with your regular name.

Or… do NOT work with G-mail and find an e-mail server which does not want to link ALL your online business (e-mail, YouTube, Facebook, WordPress, whatever) to one account. This is specifically unhandy when you already have an G-mail account.

Work from a computer/device which is password protected. Do not read, blog or reply from your work address or anybody elses computer. The search history of the computer will remember the internet addresses you looked for and those adresses will leave behind cookies. Any other person logging in after you will be able to find these and probably connect the dots.

When you live in a tiny village you might even want to drive to another city to work on your blog, read or reply because when you react to somebodies blog the IP address (which is the address of your computer on the internet) is visible. This IP address can be tracked on the net and refers to a certain area in a large city or to a village. Your provider could hand over your real name and address when requested but I believe they only do that on the request of police. Not sure.

Don’t worry: people, governmental organisations, CIA, NSA, Google, Facebook, hackers, whatever is out there, they will always be smarter than you and can find out what you write and who you are.

You will find that if you search for stuff online, your adds start to change towards (non) drinking items. This is true for Google but also for Facebook. Getting Add-block on a Firefox browser will help you not to see stuff like that. So it does not pop up when you are watching a vid together with a friend.

What’s in a name?

How to name your blog? Well…. a lot. People with blogs like ‘shit I need to quit drinking’ never ‘make it’. The name of your blog expresses your intentions. Make sure you get those right before you start. Something like:

Beware of your intentions, they shape your thoughts,
Beware of your thoughts, they shape your actions,
Beware of your actions, they shape your life.

Always log out of WordPress and your anonymous e-mail account after you are done.

Always log out and in and do NOT let your computer / device remember what the password is for these sites. You never know if it gets stolen or somebody finds it.

Also when you work from a Gmail account your Gmail profile will be visible online where ever you go. So when replying to something on YouTube, it will be from your anonymous soberblog mail. That can be quite scary if it happens to be a reply to somebody you know!

Never reply online to sites while having your Facebook opened.

Some sites take your not privatised Facebook account and post your real name with the comment. Sometimes you can undo, sometimes not. But with a Google search on your name the comment might show up. Not sure if closing your FB account actually works.

Write for yourself

Write for yourself, do not write for the other. Trying to impress, help or save other people from whatever faith is a TRAP. Don’t go there. (As I have 100.001 times. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ )

No matter how pink your clouds are, no matter how convinced you are that you have found the Ultimate Truth -which you have! Enjoy!- write FOR yourself. Because ‘own sobriety first’ and you need to find your sober feet, your sober body, heart and mind, your sober life first before you start reaching out. In the 3 years I have read sober blogs I have seen about 20 of them with first post of ‘I really want to help other people find sobriety’ and they were gone within weeks or months. That is not because it is bad to help. No way, it is actually good to help. But FIRST you need to help yourself. And because you are / have been addicted for so long it might not be totally clear to you what that entails. So: ‘own sobriety first’ – no writing for others.

The thing with addiction is that it has turned you into a person who is not living in the here and now and is not living in its own energetic center. If that means anything to you, or to anybody btw. :-D.

I am thinking addiction starts when the core of our being, whatever we feel that is, gets damaged or misplaced. And I am thinking addiction continues that process of damaging and misplacing. If we are lucky we are left with a partial overlap of our core with our body so we still have an inkling of who, where and when we are.

However, when addicted, we tend to lean forward to worry about the future. We are leaning backwards because we carry grief, pain, anger and resentment and whatever other hurt may lay in the past. But no matter what: living in the here and now is exactly what addiction tries to avoid.

Another unhandy thing is leaning sideways left and right to carry all kinds of things on our shoulders which are not our issues – or which we can not change. Writing for other people often comes with leaning forward, out of your core to impress the other. That takes energy which you need to keep to yourself.

There is this AA saying ‘One day at the time’ – I took/take it one moment at the time because this moment is ALL I EVER need to take care off. And when I tried to imagine even that I had to be sober in the evening, my imagination would drag me out of myself and I would fall over.

All in all sobriety will give you a feeling of being more ‘condensed’ – more centered, more in balance. And yes, this can take many months, even years – but while being sober your chances of improving life go up EVERY day.ย  Even if life does not go up, itย  does not goe down as fast as it would when drinking. There is really no problem in the world that does not get worst with drinking.

When drinking you run out of chances immediately. Energy and focus is on the addiction; how to get rid of it, how to hide bottles, how to score, how to not let people know, if your breath might smell, how to hide your hangover, how to not feel. How to not BE. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Not saying being sober is easy. But it is better.

Consider whom you write about

I write about all kinds of stuff. There are some, and actually I agree with them, who say one should not write about those who can not react. You might want to consider this before you write. As I said: the internet remembers everything. A rule of tumb: if you can not say stuff to somebody in person, it is very good not to write it to them or about them.

However, I have ditched that because I (hope to) trust my anonymity and because I need to let things out in order to survive.

Leaving anonymous replies at blogs – they are not 100% anonymous

WordPress and probably other blogs have a possibility to leave anonymous replies to a post. Please be aware that these replies might be anonymous to the average reader but NOT to the owner of the blog. Obviously not because of security / privacy issues of the blog owner who take precedence over those of the replyer. At the back side of the blog there is a list with all comments, the IP address of the writer of the reply and the e-mail address of this person.

If ever you wonder if people who reply to your blog reply under different names you could check if the IP address is the same. If they are different there is no guarantee that this is not the same person, and if they are the same it is neither but… well, you can sort that out. Also: keep in mind that IP address for computers can change over time. They are assigned by the internet company, not by the person using it.

For those who have a WordPress blog and want to find out what I am referring to above:

  • go to ‘My Site’ in the upper left corner.
  • scroll down to ‘WP Admin’ and press.
  • From the left bar select ‘Comments’
  • Here you can find all the comments related to YOUR blog only.
    • In this list you can find e-mail addresses of those who responded
    • IP addresses
    • You can approve, disapprove, delete, edit and mark replies to your post as spam.
  • There seems to be no list of comments one leaves at other blogs.

In theory anybody can set up a sober blog and be catfishing for IP addresses and e-mail adresses.

Settings

Blogs can be made public, be visible to people you have invited to read or hidden. You could actually make a blog your personal online dairy without posting anything. If that works, it works. Settings can be found in the system.

Do not tell people – the will look for it

Do not tell people you are writing a blog, no matter what they will try to find it and they probably can if they add enough you-specific words. When I Google on ‘alcohol addiction nurse uk blog’ I find ahangoverfreelife on page 3 of the results. Same might be happening to you once you out yourself.

Do not share photos or text you share at other sites as well

Just for ‘the fun of it’ (it worked out to be awful and it upset me pretty much) I once tracked down the husband of a sober blogger who was (she is not anymore and no it is not you!) complaining about a lack of intimacy. She had once posted a photo of her dog and with simple tools like Google ‘photo search’ I could track that same photo to her YouTube account and from there to her Facebook account and from there to the scorned husband. :-(.

What blogsite to choose? WordPress, blogspot?

I actually have no clues what the differences are but I chose WordPress because I was looking for an English-speaking audience. And also because blogspot used to be Dutch. But now I find I am the only Dutchy in the sober blogosphere here and anybody can see in their statistics wether or not somebody from the Netherlands visited their website. That is a bit of a bummer.

Deep in the WordPress settings are some buttons where you can link WordPress with Blogspot and other sites. The goal would be to exchange posts and comments.

What layout to choose?

I took one I liked and in which you can just scroll down to the former post. Also the comments are ‘easy’ to find in comparison to other layouts.

Should I pay for my blog to own it?

I have not found a reason for myself. Well, maybe if I were to found out WordPress was showing advertising on it I do not agree with but I have Add-block so I never see that. You could pay if you want to. Specifically if you want to go professional with what you write that would be a good idea.

Can anybody write and reply what they want?

You are allowed to write what you want, within legal boundaries and the contract you need to adhere to when building the blog. When you have an open blog like mine anybody can see your posts and reply. However, the first time somebody replies you will always have to approve the comment of this person. Also, you can decide not to. You can do so at that moment or later, even after you have approved it. You can also edit comments and delete them. Not sure if you can ban people from your blog. You can list somebody as spam which means they will be filtered out. But that would not be a nice way of dealing with people I guess.

How do people find my blog?

When this is your question, you might want to investigate a little more. As I said: it is important to write for yourself. The time where you can afford to write for others without getting all aloof will come. Own sobriety first.

And in answer to the question: there are courses for that but the simplest way to do so is add tags in the right column of the writing page. Use tags like ‘alcohol’, ‘drugs’, ‘addiction’, ‘AA’ and so forth. People search for that and this is how they find you. Also you can start following people by reading comments to other people’s blogs. Replying to other blogs is obviously also a nice way to try to make friends.

What do I write about?

Obviously there are 100.001 subjects to write about. What you might want to figure out is how far you want to go with opening up. I go all the way because I had to hide so much of me all my life this has created a pressure cooker which only found relieve in drinking. In order to not drink I let it all out. Not very attractive sometimes, but effective for me.

You might at some point feel uncomfortable in sharing stuff. Remember there is hardly any pressing reason to share everything always. You can always sleep it over and post later. You can always delete afterwards. The idea behind sobriety is that you learn to live healthily with your feelings and body. Taking feelings of discomfort seriously and finding other ways to comfort yourself than drinking or drugging is a good idea. ๐Ÿ™‚

Your blog, your sobriety, your rules in anything. You make it up. That is good. ๐Ÿ™‚ Enjoy.

I do not edit posts. Having said that, I edited this one because is it more instruction wiselikeish. In other posts I just ‘let the beast speak’ so to say. Whatever comes up is what comes up. Suppressing things and feelings and wanting things to be different and more beautiful, fantastic and succesful is what helped me get addicted so for me it is really important NOT to limit myself to wanting to write nice and ‘succesful’. Sobriety is not a competition.

It is not that I do not care about people reading my blog . Note that I am not saying ‘my readers’, I find that pretentious, I do not own people and I do not want to speak about people (not ‘them’) like I do. But I care about my need to unburden, as I said, to let out the beast or to write without limits more. That also included that I do not assume that I am everybodies friend, I guess my blog is acquired taste :-). But if that is what it takes, that is what it takes. I take an effort NOT to track if or if not people reply to my blog when I did to theirs. That might sound like it is, and work out to be a little autistic but sobriety is not high school. It is not about likes. It is about transforming. And by the time I can actually deal with ‘counting’ friends and comparing, maybe I will. I do not now.

Sobriety is about finding your authentic self back in this world. It is unraveling the spiritual mistake that choosing the ‘quick fix’ actually is. It is about learning to be here with yourself, to accept and to take life as it comes and deal with it as it is.

I hope to learn that. ๐Ÿ™‚ Today is my 35th month of sobriety. I am happy that I quit. I am grateful that I have my life returned to me. I still have not unraveled the spiritual mistake but I guess I will get there in time.

Hope this post helps you on your way. Please take my dark impression of help and trust for what it is; my dark impression. Not sure how this is for other people but obviously you have your own life experience to sail by. ๐Ÿ™‚

Wishing you a wonderful time on the web. Wishing you a blog which helps you be sober. Remember: whatever it takes to be sober is what it takes. Sobriety does not know shortcuts. That is why baby steps are good. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit. I hope you are happy that you quit too. โค

xx, Feeling

Boss, tax, chocolate

Things are difficult. Sad. Boss bitch is on war path again: “Ooh, I can not say that when Feeling is present (referring to the sex question about ‘how often do you do it?’ she half-finished when I walked in), but no worries guys, we can go back to normal when she’s not here.” She did another 3 of those today so with the large tax refund I got this week (3-4 monthly salaries) I (assume) I will be resigning next week. I will also be speaking with HR when I’m gone. Not totally sure yet. See how it feels later. There is something funny going on here too, which runs alongside; I have this intense feeling that all of my life I ‘had to go’, I should ‘rather not be there/present/alive because ‘too much’. That ‘nobody really likes me anyhow’. That I should ‘take myself out of the equation’ because I am not worth living anyhow. And she presses all these buttons. Stay and learn with the chance that I go under quickly en seriously or not take any chances with my mental health and energy and go? Repeating my leaving as I did in a lot of situations in my life. I keep on meeting these awful strange people of which everybody says ‘THEY. ARE. CRAZY – it is NOT you!’ But I keep on having to deal with them. I don’t know yet. Time will tell. And bwaahaha, maybe I should start taking life into my hands again. But that is the stupidity of situations like these: they take my life’s energy and I need to swim against the stream to keep alive. Anybody any advice?

I had no chocolate during this whole week except 1/4 bar this afternoon which makes a huge difference in how I am aware of my surroundings. That is great. Or not.:-)ย  I ‘knew’ sugar has a big impact on me, specifically the way I use it. It has become a so manniest addiction and I really need to look at it but I find it too difficult because of ‘poor me’. This week off works sort of like a 30 day challenge for alcohol. (No it doesn’t because it is not 30 days! Oooh, the lying….): it gives the effects on the body of sober living while the mind and the addict within can be at ease thinking ‘oooh, it is only 30 days… should be able to do that, let’s do this because otherwise I prove that I AM an addict….’. Well, it was a nice week and my awareness and sensitivity to energy and what is going on inside is back. I, again, learn why I have an addictive personality because the awareness of all which is going on inside and outside me is pretty overwhelming if I do not keep centered, aware and at ease all day. Breathing helps :-).

Last Monday I opened a letter from the tax office which send me reeling because it said that I had (missed) an appointment with them the week before. As you might know I never open my post immediately and this is one of the consequences. I was very disappointed at myself and very stressed out. Did not sleep that night and my blood pressure rose to a height I have never sensed before. Next day I mailed my admin person, 2 days later we spoke: he will contact the tax office and have the meeting with them since he can solve it in 10 minutes and no stress while I will be stressing out over this for days to come. Do I feel childish? Yes I do. Do I feel I have the right to move this ‘burden’ to somebody who gets paid for it. Yes I do. Sort of. And I realise now that I do not want to think about it because the only thing I say to me is ‘you are stupid’. But a woman who loves herself, she would have….? She actually feels she should have dealt with it. Hmmm…. :-/ I feel I should apologise personally to the person who came here while I was at work. Ok, I will call him.

Can’t wait for my new course in singing to start this Wednesday. I also like the video’s on Medical Intuition from Carolyn Myss very mych. There are 3 now:

1 What is medical intuition?
2 Why people don’t heal
3 The 5 keys to learning medical intuition

The content of the first is an answer to the question What is medical intuition. The second video is on what I call ‘ziektewinst’ – a Dutch word for ‘what we gain when we are ill’. She is pretty much into that and seeing it as a reason why people don’t heal. I think for me it can be true / is often true. I would not go about putting that out there to anybody else. (Rephrase: I did, and I regretted it). Not sure if I like the stern way she speaks about it but she does not get unkind, she is compassionate but strict. I like the way she deals with boundaries and speaks about power – although I would use the word strength more than power but that might be a language thing. The 3rd vid is a (bit messy) listing of 5 important points to learning medical intuition. I do not so much want to learn medical intuition as that Iย  want to get it clear. I have big medical intuition but I get it mixed up with fear which is not a good thing. I think she can learn me to get my intuition clear, be it medical or otherwise. That is the only thing I know for sure about my life: that I need to get clear, to undo the hold that addiction has on me, to undo the hold that past events, memories, bad memories have on me. That’s ‘all’. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Not much more to say here. A woman who loves herself would have been in bed already. I am happy that I quit and actually I am happy that I am working on quitting chocolate too. And I would be really grateful if I could put a stop to the moaning about it that I do. I guess you too :-).

Wishing you all a good weekend. Hoping you are happy that you quit too. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

Cake with cognac

Just got home from work. Not sure how I feel. My boss had been getting at me the whole morning and that was tough. I try to keep on thinking ‘how somebody behaves and what they do is their business, not mine. But it was difficult. Others told me she was pissed off with me for taking yesterday off. I told her it was about my mothers dying day anniversary. She had forgotten to note it down so when she arrived at work she was surprised that I was not present. Strange because they day before I has specifically told a colleague that I had the day off and she was standing next to me so, well, beats me.

Just before I left she came carrying a piece of cake sort of telling me to eat it ‘Have some cake! Have some cake! Here, come sit with me!’ I sort of joked something about E-numbers; trying to not have to eat the cake. “No, no, no E-numbers.” I had no clue what it was about. I thought she wanted to speak about stuff so I sat down. She kept on rambling and looking at me conspicuously while I ate the cake. I kept on thinking: something is very wrong but I can’t find what. There is something with the cake but I can’t well, I guess I thought ‘read it in the air’ because that is what I do if I don’t know stuff. But that is another subject. She kept on pushing the cake:ย  “Nice cake, not? Very nice cake.” I agreed. She kept on pushing;ย  “I specifically like the bottom. I specifically like the bottom” “Yeah, baked well.” I was wondering what it was all about until I got the last bite: “Does contain alcohol though. Did you not notice?” “No, I did not. Must have baked out.” I did not show any fright or concern, I already felt that she was trying to poison me, just did not know how yet. That I could not read in the air.

I went home, threw up. Cried. Started writing. Fucking bitch. She knows I do not take in any alcohol. I told her what I tell others: it makes me depressed to the point of becoming suicidal.

Obviously the alcohol baked out mostly. The cake was baked by a colleague, the crust was really thin and prebaked. He put it in his dough which is shortbread, you can’t really put a lot of alcohol in there and still keep it as short and crisp as it was so I guess quantity wise I am ‘safe’. I do feel like I overdosed on sugar. My mind is angry, looking for trouble. I am sad, feel like she wants to humiliate me, feeling the pain of that. I want to trash things, break things, kill myself just to get out of this world and this situation. But other than than I am fine. Which in itself is a funny sentence I guess.

She is a sadist and likes torturing women especially.

I find it difficult to leave because I can not seem to get my life in order to be able to do so. That must change. What would a woman who loves herself do? First I will allow myself to cry over this, no matter how hard most people say I should not let it get to me. It does get to me and I find it difficult that somebody can want to be so mean to me. What the fuck did I do to her? I always think that she feels threatened by my vulnerability. I am an open book. I can not lie very well. The looks of contempt she give me are difficult to deal with. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I find it very difficult now. Cunt.

Well, sorry for my French. This is how it is today. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m going to read he comments on my 2 year sober post from yesterday now. Ghegheghe… I am so VERY VERY VERY happy this ‘incident’ did not happen 2 days ago. I think I would have been a whole lot more upset then. Now I somehow have the ‘I have 2 years booze free’ medal in my heart and mind. Which is good. I am happy that I quit. ๐Ÿ™‚

Thank you for reading. Sorry for my French.

I am happy that I quit. Because because of quitting I know have an idea of how to deal with this. I have had a warning that alcohol is still a no-go area for me. I have been warned that my standard reaction to difficulty is still ‘I want to kill myself.’ Which, for anybody who is worried: I will not do. I will take extra care of me, ok, and an extra bag of chips, and start cleaning my house because that is what a woman who loves herself would do. She would deal with things, or at least try to learn to deal. Which is what I need to do. Write it out, cry about it. Try to differentiate between the other trying to put me down and me trying to put me down. See where I take over in this relay called beating up Feeling.

I am surprised, in a not funny way in how destructive I can be towards myself. In my behaviour, in the way I feel about myself, in the way I behave when with people. I can not find the word but it is amazing, without the good feelings of amazing to it. So much learning opportunity. So much not wanting to learn this because it hurt. I guess this is it: I NEED to take this step where I keep aware of what is going on because that is where the change is. If I don’t take a look atย  this I will only find more bosses and people who will treat me like this. It is a karma thing, as long as I do not stand up for myself and learn to keep nasty people out of my energy, I will keep on being a target for others who feel like projecting their own issues on me. I need to let go of this poor-me approach but shit, why do I have to do the work when she is the bitch? ๐Ÿ˜€ Ghegheghe, that is a joke. And next to that I mean it. :-(. Ghegheghe…

On we go. I am happy that I quit. ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

I hope you are happy that you quit too. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

 

I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT – 2 years

Today is the dying day anniversary of my mother and my 2 years sober celebration. I’m thinking there is still quite of lot of work ahead but 2 years = good. ๐Ÿ™‚

I AM SO HAPPY THAT I QUIT.

I still have no clue as to where my life is heading but the only thing I have to do is to get clear. Not there yet, my fight with replacement addiction sugar has come to comparable proportions as the alcohol. Not that I eat so much (I do :-)) but it influences me so much. Can’t I stop. Nope, not yet. And bwaaahahahaha, specifically not today. Or especially today. Do not know.

I am thinking of quitting my job. Which in itself is a BAD idea because I do not have a new one. But I am sick of listening to either my boss being sick about sex or my colleagues going on about it. Yesterday she asked every guy in the company how long is his dick is. And a not so nice colleague of mine (the alcoholic who has not quit yet) continued to tell everybody that he does not need to measure because in his life he has ruptured the vagina’s of at least 20 women. He finds it especially enticing when they scream. Yes, bad taste to even repeat this sick behaviour. I have a lot of difficulty energetically repairing from that when I come home. Looking for another job is very difficult because I get very scared of the world after hearing this. I need to take better care of myself. I can not have lunch with them, I guess that would be a better idea but the nice guy is also there and he sort of stabilizes me energetically through the day. He’s a sort of anchor.

Pffff, I don’t feel like moaning anymore. I should think at 2 years I could me more in control of my own life. Maybe I should stop feeling ill and get on with life. I am still trying to find out why I hold back on living and deciding my own thing. There is part of me which wants to make sure I do that soundly; like not in the control mode I was when drinking. And there is a part of me which is rather sick and pathetic than alive. I wonder about that part. It feels like if I show up for life, take my place, people will kill me. I am guessing that is how I experienced my life before. Need to find balance there too. Well, there is a whole list of things but it is not getting done with me sitting here typing! So off I go! I have the day off for some serious cleaning, some admin and some celebrating and I hope to fit in looking for another job too.

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that you quit too. If you did not (yet): good that you are around here in the sober blogosphere to read and think and feel about addiction. ๐Ÿ™‚ Take care. Do what a woman/man who loves her/himself would do. ๐Ÿ™‚

Wishing you a nice sober day.

xx, Feeling

 

Short post :-)

Hello!

I’m still around, month 22 (edit: month 21!!! stupid concussion), if I had not noted that already. But still having a concussion so online time is limited. But still VERY HAPPY THAT I QUIT. Currently, if I have clear time and am not tired I read Craig Nakken’s book ‘The addictive personality’ again. Wow! Again, it blows my mind. I have come a long way with 21 months, but the actual unaddicting will take some serious work.

I wanted to drop some info for those who might appreciate it. There is a new online summit and this one is on ANXIETY. For those who are not familair with online summits: you sign up using your e-mail address and a first name. Mostly you get an introduction e-mail and in that you have to click to confirm. On the said dates there will be video’s online of interviews with experts. These work according to, well, let us call it the Cinderella principle: so only visible for free for 24 full hours. At the end of the average summit all the vids will be visible during a weekend. If you want to have the vids you can buy them.

I am happy that I quit. Because I do not think I would be alive anymore if I had not. That has become very clear during the first days of my concussion. The blow emotionally threw me back in time about 2 years and I felt very much like I did not like life and me anymore :-(. Things are still unstable but not so dark. Stupid concussion messes with the mind. ๐Ÿ˜€

Because of the concussion I had to do CONTINOUS RIGOROUS SELFCARE. Pfffff, sigh…. that was/is difficult. So the WWAWWLHD came in very handy. I love this tool. Happy I found it. Tells me: she would not worry about cleaning now because she needs to be in bed / She would drop the chocolate because it might mess with her sleeping pattern and she needs her sleep / She would get out of bed to drink some water because the brain needs to float, not dry out.

What I am not doing is my admin. I have some letters from the tax office laying about and an invoice saying ‘open now or else’. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ And I still CAN NOT ask for help. It is not helping that my SIL, whom I did this with before is on a path where she condemns everything I do or say and then continuous with ‘Well I really don’t think there is anybody as sensitive as you are!’ You know what? I was doubting myself but now I write this down I realise that nobody ever meant something nice with saying: ‘Well I really don’t think there is anybody as sensitive as you are!’ Life is difficult sometimes. I don’t know what I did to irritate her but I keep on hearing my brother through what she says. As if he is telling her what to say. Why do I even write this down? Ooh yeah, I was wondering if I make thing complicated between me and my SIL so I do not have to ask for help. Also, I feel disappointed that she does not offer, since she said she would help me. But is not offering the same as helping? Maybe, in my case, NOT offering helps me more. :-D. I’m sick of it all, there are things I can do, but not with a concussion too. And trying to work with a concussion. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Yes, yes, moaning and sulking. I’m off to bed. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit, hope you are too :-). Being happy that you quit makes things so much easier! ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

Ouch! :-D

In addition to my earlier post on how people find me I would like to add this search used by a visitor of my blog:

howtofuckupinlife

That one actually really hurt. Ouch!

For those of you not familiar with the backside of WordPress: there is a statistics page which shows how many people visit, who is following, how many posts have been read and… what search words people use who end up at my blog. This person came to my blog with ‘how to fuck up in life’. Yeah. THANK YOU FOR THE REMINDER! ๐Ÿ˜€

Btw: if you would like to keep your search anonymouslike (only anonymous for the blogs you will visit – not for Google) you can use Google and type the words you are looking for and I think precede that by the word ‘wordpress’ and you get the same-ish result.

I am happy that I quit. I have however a light concussion which was a work accident, not my doing, was bending over and got knocked on the head by an oncoming metal table pushed by a guy who is too strong for this world – still waiting for the flowers to arrive :-D. I have a nasty headache and am mainly very very tired while sleeping 19 hours a day for 5 days in a row now. But mostly I am more emotional than the leave Britney alone homo. First day I felt like I was back in the dark pit where I was when still drinking and hitting rock bottom. ‘I don’t care if I wake up anymooohooooohooooor, I migth as well be deaheaaheaaaad.’ But that is mostly gone now. Well, it is informative. I tried to get into the feeling of ‘This too shall pass.’ Which is actually a good thing. Funny that I, in my whole life, never learned that. Guess my parents must have tried but I can imagine I took it as diminishing my problems.

I am very happy that I quit. Trying to apply the ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’ principle during the day and gosh it is a big relieve of that mean bitch inside my head. ๐Ÿ™‚ Still I am surprised to find that a woman who loves herself actually makes the good choices. I still somehow think she would eat chocolate all day, not cook and go to bed late. The very opposite is true. It does show that my Calvinistic (is that an English word too?) upbringing in the Netherlands has had its influence.

So, too much screentime for me already. The first days after the concussion I could actually see the screen ‘flickre’ (if that is a word – turn on and of very rapidly)

As said: I am happy that I quit, hope you are happy too. Being happy about quitting makes it way easier. Eeasy-peasy I would say, if only I had known…, and now let’s not get arrogant…ย  I think I should be more into the next steps in sobriety. Not doing that, I feel like I’m standing still and I think that is also the message from the Universe with this concussion. AND I STILL DO NOT HAVE A CLUE WHAT (TF?) I WANT WITH MY LIFE. Well, I do, but I don’t dare to switch. I would love to go into eco farming and natural healing but that switch takes money I don’t have. Let’s see. I notice now that I am only looking at how it is not possible instead of at how it would be possible. Hmmm. Food for thought.

Wishing you a nice sober day. I feel the need to remind you of the free, online alcohol desensitization program I followed. Not sure why I feel that way just now but hey, if you feel on the edge or never want to feel on the edge again, it is worth a try; it is a sort of computer game and it will bore the hell out of your want to drink. Really. ๐Ÿ˜€ And that is good, very good. There is one ‘game’ for smoking and pot too. Enjoy!

xx, Feeling

I adulted!

The other day! I adulted! My boss, she said something about work and it was negative, can’t remember what so I asked: “When you say that, I get the impression that you think I am a slacker. Is that what you mean?” She looked surprised for a tenth of a second but did not want to show that and replied: “No, I do not think you are a slacker, I do think you lose focus ever so now and then. I am here to help you with that.”

“Ok, thank you.” At which I smiled a genuine smile and she a proud superior one which changed to genuine immediately. It made me realise that she must get a lot of BS from everybody.

I think she is absolutely right in me losing focus sometimes, often. And I went there to get back in the working life and one of the things I lack is concentration and focus. She sees that and in her own special, ok, sometimes very special way ๐Ÿ˜‰ she ‘fixes’ it.

The other day I had an experience where I, in reality realised that I would not have been so very different when in her position. It is my (by others informed) idea that position in a company very much determines how one reacts. When I (incorrectly) heard that my boss had invested 700.000 dollars in the place I immediately thought ‘Ooh, she’s very mild then…’ Well, anyway, our products were up for a randomised laboratory test which means that several products of our lots would be picked out to be send to a lab for inspection. I was working as normal(ish) and minding my own business when a collegue dropped by and started fiddling with my product. I said “Nooooooo!” in a warning voice and he continued fiddling. What we do is very precise and I know I can work very precise, I Very Much did not want him to set anything off. Next thing I know is me feeling a stinging pain in my fingers because in a reflex I slapped him on his hand so viciously that now, more than 4 days after, I still have a ‘dead’ feeling in one of them.

Yeah, take a breath. In this situation I did not adult so very much. He grinned and walked on. These guys are tough so it did not seem like there was much harm done but wow! I was all over the place trying to keep all these pieces of my aura together which had just fallen apart in this total dress down of my idea of me. Naked truth, it litterally felt like that. I realised a lot of things all at once: my childhood had given me this reflex as a normal way of dealing – my mother used to slap me accross my fingers with the same focussed energy but it was the first time that this came out in me – with the disclaimer: while being sober. Secondly, that I was / am afraid so much of what the test would bring that this would set me on edge so much. These levels of stress below the levels of ‘not caring’ or ‘thinking that I am ok eventhough the situation is crazy.’ And thirdly: I am not so much different from my boss. When I go for it, I go for it. And last, but not least I was ASHAMED. Ashamed of showing such a lack of control, ashamed of condemning my boss while actually she only puts things in words, I have never seen her hit anybody other than jokingly. Which in itself shows a whole new level of accepting the crazy in the company. Yes. Ashamed. I cried. Again, silently in my own little corner, thinking, guessing, hoping nobody would see. It took me like 15 minutes to gather myself together, walk up to the guy and tell him I was sorry that I has slapped him so hard. Yes, yes, not that I had slapped him, but that I had slapped him so hard. He was testing my limits with the fiddling and it was ok that he found them. But I should not have hit him so hard.

He laughed and said “Aaaaw, ghegheghe, are you still thinking about that?! Don’t worry, no harm done. You make life too complicated.”

“I am ashamed.” (and I started to get teary ๐Ÿ˜ฆ )

“Ghegheghe, don’t you worry so much.”

Which obviously is the ultimate guy answer to anything but I guess he meant it.

Today we spoke about it. I commented on something being dirty and he said “My god, you start to sound like her!”

“Yeah, I am afraid that is so. I realised there is a whole new layer to me the other day when I slapped you accross your fingers. I’m guessing that I have the same determination when it comes to proving myself.”

“Yeah, well, nothing wrong with perfectionism.”

“No, no, I guess it should not lead to slapping but I actually start to understand where she comes from ever so now and then.”

“Yeah. She is working on giving you a better contract by the way. But you don’t know that and you certainly did not hear that from me. Question is: are you happy with that? Or should you be?”

“I am not sure. I have been trying another approach to what I experience. I have spoken to her on how I experience what she says. I felt very, very adult :-D. She told me I sometimes lack focus. I think I do. I came here to get that back. I think it is working.”

“Yeah, until she starts yelling again and we are all back to zero.”

“Yeah….. that is possible. I am a perfectionist and an idealist so I won’t give up too easily. It generally means I am in for a lot of rough confrontations and downfalls though. :-D”

“Ghegheghe, yep.”

“We shall see. :-)”

So, this is how things are currently at work. And… I need to get my life in order because I am not making enough money to sustain myself. The company is closed on a weekday, meaning that the ‘weekend’ only exists of 1 day when I work 5 days. I can’t deal with that. I could work 5 days, but with a 2 day weekend, not with 2 * 1 day off. And if I do work 5 days in this situation…. I kick out another guy who does the one day… so hmmm, that is, dunno, that would be the second one that gets kicked out because of me. Does not feel right.

Another person, well actually two of them I could not care less about. One of them attacked me with a story on how he thinks women showing body parts, ‘titties’ and decoltage should be raped because they are asking for it and they should be punished. When I told him that idease like that are not cherised in The Netherlands he answered that where he comes from everybody thinks like that so I told him to fuck off to his own country. He ‘replied’ I was rascist and thought my ideas were superior because I think white people have superior ideas. “Well, yes, I do think that the idea of not raping people is superior to raping them so repeat: fuck off you sick mind. And ooh, no, that has got NOTHING to do with you being black. Only and only with your sick mind and sick ideas. And by the way: everybody here dresses in 1 minute, you are the ONLY one here who stands in your bare chest showing off for at least 3, if not 5 minutes. No matter the temperature. So you might want to look into your own double standards first before you start raping others.”

Ghegheghe, ever since he dresses in 2 seconds. I told my boss he was getting on my nerves and I gave her the reason. I don’t think that conversations like that should go unmentioned. Personally I would fire him straight away for threathening. Not sure what the boss made of it, she did make some snide comments to him on changing her attire because she would not want to trigger him into having to rape her. Not sure if she was making light of the situation or that being as nasty as I could have put it. Male collegues said I should not ‘take the bait’ and ‘let him talk, he’s all talk’. Which is wise, probably wiser than my feelings of wanting to cut his balls off. :-/ I guess I scared the male collegues with the fierceness of my reply. They were saying things to him like “You muslim extremist! What’s next? Women should cover their hair, ooh, why not wear a jabala!” Btw, he’s not a muslim extremist, he’s some christian extremist, funny enough in a relation with a Jewish women. Who haha, pays his bills. That must hurt. I appreciate that thought very much. ๐Ÿ˜€ That’s what my male collegue said afterwards: “Don’t lose your energy on this, he’s a loser and feeling it. He’s got all this big, big ideas and finds himself here and is disappointed about it.”

“There is nothing wrong with being here and there is nothing ‘loser’ about it but yes, he’s taking his stuff out on others, not sure why he is trying me though.”

“Just don’t react, he’s not worth it.”

The other days when he tried talking about it again he was blocked by the guys who shut him up.

So yes, it was unsettling, arguing with him left got me almost litterally fired up wishing I could beat the crap out of him. Guessing the subject of these weeks has been ‘aggression’.

Aggression…. aggression comes around when things fall apart, I get scared and need aggression to hold together all the pieces that just went floating about. Obviously, with my background this is a pretty heavy trigger. And not trusting that my collegues would step in made it worse. They did, but only after a while when they had enough of it all. I guess they had not seen that side of me yet.

When thinking about it now I think that it is my karma to deal with issues like this. Disclaimer: please note what I am about to say is my own personal belief on how I think things work in MY life and it must not be misunderstood for me blaming any victim of anything in any way.

I think that the subject of sex and aggression combined, as in abuse e.g. are energetically laden thingies that I carry with me because I have not dealt with them. As long as I carry these with me, people who have a trigger there will attract to me, in a good or a bad way. I think he has a trigger there as well. He keeps on ranting about ‘homo’s’ and how ‘they force themselves on anybody’. Utter nonsense in my idea and I have, again, in a very direct way told him, well, I can be nice about it but I actually tell him in so many different words to keep his stupid mouth shut. Always finishing with “Seeing you are black I would assume you know what it is to be discriminated against.”

If nobody speaks up when somebody says something discrimanatory, one might think we / I agree.

Aggression. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Guessing, guessing it can only come up now I feel more secure in my job. And, not very proud of it but I am thinking this is how I tend to (want to) clean out the nest. Sort of a cuckoo’s mentality. I’ve seen in with people coming into a new department, it takes them a while but indeed, after 3 or 4 months they start to disagree with their place in the social ladder and try to throw others out of the nest. Well, obviously I think I have been given EVERY reason. And obviously, lacking female collegues with an outspoken character this focusses on the males and haha, obviously that must be sex related in a very bad way. It is all so logical and still I get sucked into it every time and time again. Well, not every time. Day after we had this ‘conversation’ on women who should be raped he tried to get the subject going again. Male collegues stopped him and I succesfully did not hear anything he said.

I finished of dissin’ him with being utterly normal to him afterwards, doing whatever I would do other days as well. I sort of compartmentalized it. Took me a few days to succesfully cut the threads but there it is: a stand alone situation I can look at from a lot of sides, sort of walk around.

Did I tell you my word of the year is Awareness? And obviously everything goes unaware ever since. Well, again:

‘The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.’

And that is how it seems to work with experiences with me: I tend to want to, need to take it to an absolute rock-bottom before I can do something about it. I ate myself through a kilo of dates in 1 week. Not good. Does not make me as sick, chocolate now does, obviously ‘tried’ it again the other day. And, again, obviously found that I can either do without or go all in.

Awareness: my definition of it is finding the place which notices how I feel, how I react. That place which is not connected to those feelings but sees them as ‘happening’. It feels like a pretty safe place. Not sure if I disassociate or ‘become aware’. They don’t tell you that in the yoga book. ๐Ÿ˜€

So, I think I got my model of me worked out: in the core there is Awareness. (Edit of later date: in the core there is Self and Self can be Aware, Self has a body etc.) Awareness has a body, the body has a mind and feelings. The mind is for thinking and working daily stuff out. The feelings are for succesful living and helping people on their path naturally by resulting in happiness when people take the sustainable path and misery when we take the unsustainable path. The body also has an energy system which I am not sure how it is coupled to Awareness/Self or to the body. I have the idea it is a communication system. Feelings is energy flowing with a certain force in a direction or stagnating, or hiding, retracting, going out, breaking into pieces, holding together, pushing, pulling – all these terms I believe which come from the bio-energetics direction of the natural healing possibilities. When there are unprocessed feelings about situation then the energy is very active in a certain domain – therewith drawing attention to that domain from the person and others. Running into shit because of that = karma. Karma is not a punishment, karma is a natural result of the way Nature has set us up with our energetic system. Health = energy flowing, being flexible, logically applied in a healthy way and amount. All other => unhappiness and I am thinking even physical illness.

I think the aware part is the part that carries over to other lives, if there is such a thing. I also think that getting to go to that aware part makes it easier to deal with life. But haha, that is where things get messy for me; the addict within DOES NOT WANT AWARENESS! He (yeah, he’s obviously a he… denial is big :-D) wants to not feel.

“Why don’t you want to feel?”
“Because it hurts.”
‘What hurts?”
“Everything!”
“When?”
“Always!”
“That is sad. Could I help you in any way?”
“NO!”
“Why?”
“It hurts! You come help me one day and the next you will leave me anyhow. Again!”
“Is that what you think?”
“Yes!”
“Would you believe me if I promised I will not leave?”
“No!”
“Why not?”
“Because you will! You have been here and we have had this talk before and you have left and not come back. You are not trustworthy!”
“You are right. I am sorry but I also know that is a sort of empty sorry because I do not think I can change it easily. I don’t want to come here because you hurt and I don’t know what to do. Who are you, anyway?”
“I am hurt.”
“Yeah.”
“I am hurt, you left me because I was hurt. You leave me because I hurt you, you say. You don’t really want to speak with me because I hurt you and tire you out.”
“I am very sorry to say, I really want to help you but not at cost of me. How come you live within me”
“I am the pieces you don’t want.”
“You are pieces of me?”
“Well, yes, sort of. You don’t like me so you put me in this cellar and make me not exist but technically I am part of you too.” (edit of later date: here I felt like there was integration starting to happen where the part in the cellar started using ‘my’ type of language with the intruduction of ‘technically’)
“I mean, if you hurt, why don’t I throw you out?”
“That is not how it works, because you are me. You have done a lot to chuck me out, flush me out with drinking. Netflix me away, eat me away, fall in love, create financial drama, create health drama – all to not feel me.”
“So, well, you look pretty much ok to me. What is it that you are hiding?”
“That is funny, you fear more child abuse experiences, but it are not those experiences that you put here. These are different ones. Ones to do with pride, with humility, with not accepting your limits as a human. This last piece of incarnation you speak about, the answer is here. You just have to go through the process of letting go of your pride, of the thought that you need to be special. Accept humility as a place to live from, not as a thing you have to go through because others are mean. That is not humility, that was humiliating but it is not humility. You need to learn service otherwise you will keep on throwing sand in the mechanics of time and energy. You need to learn to not force your way. Keep in touch with awareness when you walk through life so you can see easier what is real and belongs on your path and what is a distraction. You think it is difficult, but it is just the natural way and you can learn it. Practise it. Go to the neutral space, look at the emotions running through your body, look how you tend to want to live in the mixed up state of them just to be not aware. Just to not have to do that last bit of your incarnation; realising this is TRUTH, this is what it is. No! Not ‘how special you will be when you can be more aware than others!’ YOUR PATH IS YOUR PATH – NO COMPARISSON IS CALLED FOR. And yes, that is very fucking lonely. But that is not important either.”

I notice when in that place, I feel ‘things’ the addictive feelings drop away and it feels as lonely as the first day without cigarets or beer. So again, this is where I need to maintain connection to me.

I also realise that I am very tired so I’m off to bed. No spell check. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit. Can’t imagine anymore how it was to be drinking. Which I guess, in itself is a dangerous state. Sounds like a trap. Next thought would be: might try one, just to see what it was like. Not going there. Ha, going to bed. That is wawwlhwd. ๐Ÿ˜€

I also realise now that my body is not content with my eating habits. Ate cheap cheese on crackers this evening, my hands are swelling up like crazy. Must contain something funny. Did I say I’m off to bed? Wishing you a nice night/day/weekend. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling