3 years!

3 Years ago today was my first sober day in at least a year. Now reading my first blog post on this blog ever. Amazing to read that I was so proud of having quit: “I did it! I did it! I stopped!” As if it was an event. ๐Ÿ™‚ Well, I guess at that moment it was. I thought I just had to stop drinking. Which, in itself, in all its simplicity is true.

It took me a while to find out that there was more to it than that. ๐Ÿ™‚ All in due time. Baby steps.

Thank you all for reading this blog. Things have been easy and difficult. I know for sure that I would not have made it to 3 years without your support. With reading about your ups and downs, about how you deal with that, what the traps are, how to prevent them. I learned a lot. Mostly, I guess, I learned that sobriety is a process, not an event. (If I may quote Robert on that.)

I have all kinds of thoughts about how my next year will be but I refrain from speaking about that since I have learned that changing habits is difficult.

I am happy that I quit. I can say that and all the cells in my body are singing. Being happy that I quit has for me proven to be quite a good practices. Whenever I close a post, whenever I remember to think about the subject, I try to come to a spot where I am happy that I quit. When I am happy that I quit, I am strong against drink thoughts and other nastiness. When I would be unhappy the idea of ‘might as well drink since life is shit anyway’ pops up. That is a trap. There are many traps out there. Being happy that I quit steers me away from most – makes that I do not even have drink thoughts. The realisation that anything that tells me to drink comes from the addict within is another one. Whatever it takes (to not drink) is what it takes. ๐Ÿ™‚

And if I am not happy that I quit I have the opportunity to work on it till I am happy that I quit. I have not drunk since the 25 of August 2014, I hope I never will. I hope so mostly because I do not want to be enslaved. And by now I think addiction is a spiritual misunderstanding which I have used to not take responsibility for myself. As it worked itself out: I could not at the time and addiction to anything ‘helped’. I know I have been born with an adversity against living life to the fullest, still, there is this voice saying ‘I would rather not be here.’ In real life this expressed itself as a newborn who screamed at the top of her lungs with RAGE within seconds of being propelled into this world.ย  Maybe that is a good theme for this year: incarnating in this life.

I know I came into this well, personality / life, with little foundation on which I can build responsibility, and I have the gene and the physical issue with sugar sensitivity, and blablabla…. But there is no problem that does not get worst with drinking so I’d better not. I have little control over alcohol and myself when it is in my body. But I do when it is outside of my body and that is where I need to exercise my responsibility.

This week I have had a holiday and I have done next to nothing and worked myself through enjoying that. I notice that I criticise EVERY MOVE I MAKE. So there’s some work to do. Secretly (?) I am playing with the thought of seeing if I can get a sponsor but immediately all these ideas about ‘how she should be’ pop up and they are not respectful. So I guess I need to work through that before I engage. Prejudice.

Feeling my way back into life has proven succesful to my process ๐Ÿ˜€ of not drinking. The idea was that I have been avoiding emotions by drinking so if I do the opposite I am walking the straightest line away from where I was. That is true-ish, ok, true-ish-like. By now I am starting to see that being thrown about by emotions is not the most handy way of living. Separating my awareness from what the body and emotions throw at me gives more peace. But then I would be aware and that, is still pretty scary. Maybe it were not the emotions I was scared of but the awareness. Awareness might actually have to do with being responsible while emotions happen. Hmmm. Food for thought. Not taking responsibility for emotions, that is IN the situation, but being aware, there is a separation between the ‘physical’ emotion and the awareness of it.

Funny this aversion against awareness. While I know, when I take the time, I really appreciate it.ย  Food for thought. I guess the activity of my job takes me to other places a lot. Difficult to come down from that energy into rest. And…. I have not really needed it. I ‘get by’ so to say. I am aware that I am not shaping my life, that it is sort of happening to me and that I a am reactive in it. I am guessing that this will last untill I am done with it. Or relapse. That would be a possibility too. I am very well aware that I am, and have been, on a path where I do not really choose. And if I do not choose, life chooses for me. To really choose, would mean that I would really want to be here. I guess the thing to sort out is why I do not. This was ment to be an upbeat celebratory post… chips, did not happen. ๐Ÿ˜€ Ghegheghe…. ๐Ÿ™‚

So… 3 year present(s)? I did, I got myself a slowjuicer because I still do not eat my leafy greens – I don’t like the feel in my mouth, I like heavy vegetables like green beans and courgette, not the leavy greens. And since at work we often have a lot of those left-over from lunch I can take those home. ๐Ÿ™‚ And OBVIOUSLY I got myself some books. And 17 boxes of tea. And some special cheeses. Tomorrow I’m off to the sauna. Oh yeah, got myself a new bathrobe too. Haven not been a whole long time. So I should be off to bed otherwise I will waste tomorrow morning in bed.

Wishing you a nice sober evening/day/weekend. I am HAPPY that I quit. I hope you are happy that you quit too. ๐Ÿ™‚

A woman who loves herself would go to bed. Now. ๐Ÿ™‚ This is my first post ๐Ÿ™‚

Day 3

Hello, bloggers, readers, Iโ€™m new and out here, now. This is the third day after what was hopefully my last drink and I decided not to lurk around your blogs anymore. Belle, special thanks for the word โ€˜lurkingโ€™ :-D.

I worked myself through the first 60 hours of detox without withdrawal symptoms while quitting from about 12 glasses an evening 7*7 for a year and about 6-10 the 10 years before that. Hurray for the lack of withdrawal symptoms!

After I decided to stop, someday, sometime, fear of a Delirium Tremens was โ€˜what kept me drinkingโ€™. Or in other words, I placed the fear of a new, sober situation on the idea that I was going to have a DT and end up in the hospital, most possibly sweating, crying, undressed and with puke in my hair. It did not happen. I still have 12 hours to go to the 72 hour limit and I guess Iโ€™m going to make that just fine DT wise.

I was high on happy hormones this morning โ€“ those are normally depressed by booze and without booze come flooding through my body. Now utterly tired but I want to shout out to the world that I did it! I did it!!!! I stopped.

2 Nights, no drinking. It was actually easy, did sleep a lot, did keep a watchful eye on me the rest of the time. But according to Jason Valeโ€™s book I could start right after the last drink to enjoy my freedom and happiness and celebrate with a glass of, ooh no.ย  So Iโ€™ll just do that, just be happy.

Pretty sure this is my first pink cloud and the traps are digging themselves eagerly everywhere around me, Iโ€™ll see, youโ€™ll hear. Gonna lay down now, breathe, feel my way through.

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How to start a sober blog

That’s a bit of a pretentious title but I actually made it up because it talks with search engines well. That would be a first :-).

So, hi there, possibly first timer blogger? This is my blog ‘Feeling my way back into life’ and this post is about starting a sober blog. I am assuming that you are thinking of quitting drinking or have done so already. Maybe you need an outlet for all that is happening, or maybe you are looking for sober (online) friends, maybe you are looking for tips and support… Blogs can provide that and more, and less.

Here are some tips which I find important. Maybe you don’t. I have written this rather ‘do this, do no do that’ but obviously you can take what you can use and leave the rest.

TIPS:

Start anonymously

Whatever your reason to blog may be, make sure you start off anonymously.

Because

  • you do not now what you will want to write in the future,
  • because right now you might feel on top of the world thinking you can deal but experience shows that the process of getting sober is messy. Today might look like this: pegapuss kitten

And tomorrow can look like this:

depression-153-58660ae39f1bd__700

In early sobriety you will find yourself in an emotional roller coaster. Whatever you have been suppressing by drinking will rear its ugly head at some point. You will be able to deal way better because not drinking. But still. You need to take care of you and that means babysteps in your own tiny circle.

  • because you want the absolute freedom to (think that) you can let out the beast when writing,
  • because you do want to open up in order to keep sober but not be hit over the head with the consequences immediately,
  • because you do not know if your sobriety will be ‘succesful’ and the shame of having to admit that to people around you might force you into hiding again. There are others who would argue that it is good to have people support you. I am not there (yet?). If people were always so absolutely supportive you and I would not have ended up where we are / were. Addiction is a very unattractive spiritual mistake. Asking for help with it is like needing a loan: you only get it when you don’t need it. I am guessing there are people who want to dare me on this. As I said: trust is not my most well-developed muscle. Meaning no disrespect to the people who have helped me but still – trust goes as far as it goes. As does friendship, as does love. Unlike an addict mindset neither of these gifts are without boundaries. And in my not so humble opinion they should not be boundaryless anyway. Actions have consequences. Getting shit faced at a friends party means that I lose the friend. That is logical and in my opinion a healthy process. Actions should have consequences. Same with addiction: not attractive, let’s go do something else. ๐Ÿ˜‰
  • because there is a worldwide stigma on addiction and you do not have to deal with that or fight it. You have your own internal battles to take care of.
  • because no matter what sobriety comes first and the consequences of going public immediately can stand in the way of focusing on sobriety.
  • because on the net, what you write is NEVER gone. Do not make the mistake of thinking your blog is gone when you turn it off or delete it. The internet has a cache history which is very stubborn in remembering everything you did.
  • Also… there is a waybackmachine where anybody can look up your former site. It always takes a while before the info there is deleted as well.

waybackmachine

Well, many reasonsย  why I advise you to stay anonymous for at least 5 years. Why? Because above and because right now you might be on top of the world, but experience learns that this can change tomorrow.

Why? Because your first priority is sobriety. That is all. You do not know what upheavals lay in the future, you do not know anything about the future. Maybe you want to run for president? The internet remembers everything.

EDIT 30 august 2017 TO THIS POST:

Shame is one of the emotions which are very present and influential in addiction. A lot of the development of addiction has to do with finding your place in this world and mainly overdoses of shame and quilt prevent that. Guilt is about ‘having done something wrong’, shame is about ‘being wrong, feeling less deserving or non-deserving, feeling one has no right to live or less right than others.

The biological function of shame is to keep us from doing stupid things which are out there, to keep us from being aloof and to not go were we say ‘pride comes before the fall’. That is all ok. Shame has it’s function. Problem is, and this is not ok: in this society, shaming people is used as a (destructive) tool by parents, upbringers, teachers, group leaders, groups, peers, well anybody, to keep others in check. Shame is one of those emotions which get transferred very easily. If shame builds up too high in the one, he/she/group will seek a scapegoat and transfer the shame by shaming the other in order to release themselves of the tension and nasty feelings that shame brings. This is done by shaming, by getting angry, by criticizing, by being perfectionist about stuff, by bullying – there are many ways. More info is to be found online.

Next to that, shame can be so ingrown that we shame ourself out of what we want, need, need to do. That looks like feeling you don’t have the right to speak up against a spouse/boss/parent/friend. If you have trouble taking care of yourself (like I) chances are you have not learned this or feel you do not deserve it. That last part translates in not feeling you (i) have the right to take care of you (me). The first part probably means that you had caretakers which did not take care. That is a dangerous, destructive situation which in itself breeds shame.

I am not shame free when it comes to addiction. Also, I know that a lot of people around me, even though they themselves say to be ‘not shaming’ actually do shame me when they feel like it. I have met up with this in conversations several times and it is hugely unpleasant. If I had been recently sober I do not know how I would have dealt with the backstabbing. Which is why I warn you to stay anonymous so if you inform people of your addictive character and substance abuse when you are ready to trust people. Not that you are confronted by somebody having found your blog online. That’s all.

You might be in a state of mind where you wonder what I am talking about. That could be logical because addiction comes with denial and part of the denial is the denial of shame. Trust me, the shame is there. Like all other things it just needs you to be ready for it to show itself. Sobriety is like peeling an onion, we find layer after layer. However: if you were not susceptible to shame you would; A. not have an addictive character, B. be either very enlightened, very autistic or very criminally insane. ;-). C have worked on shame issues for a long time in your recovery already. โค

If anything you should have/take the time to work this out yourself – in your own time. Which is why I advocate anonymity.

Set up an anonymous e-mail account

Set up an anonymous e-mail account at e.g. Gmail.com. That might not be totally legal but sobriety first. Nothing in this anonymous e-mail account should be real – apart from the e-mail account you need to give up as a last resort. So do NOT use an acronym, do not use your cat’s name, do not use your real name anywhere because it will show up, do not enter your telephone number. Nothing. Because you (and I) do not know how things relate back to you.

Also, some search tools allow people to find whatever friends do online all over the web, based on their mail address. So an online nickname is of no use if it is backed by your standard e-mail address or an e-mail account with your regular name.

Or… do NOT work with G-mail and find an e-mail server which does not want to link ALL your online business (e-mail, YouTube, Facebook, WordPress, whatever) to one account. This is specifically unhandy when you already have an G-mail account.

Work from a computer/device which is password protected. Do not read, blog or reply from your work address or anybody elses computer. The search history of the computer will remember the internet addresses you looked for and those adresses will leave behind cookies. Any other person logging in after you will be able to find these and probably connect the dots.

When you live in a tiny village you might even want to drive to another city to work on your blog, read or reply because when you react to somebodies blog the IP address (which is the address of your computer on the internet) is visible. This IP address can be tracked on the net and refers to a certain area in a large city or to a village. Your provider could hand over your real name and address when requested but I believe they only do that on the request of police. Not sure.

Don’t worry: people, governmental organisations, CIA, NSA, Google, Facebook, hackers, whatever is out there, they will always be smarter than you and can find out what you write and who you are.

You will find that if you search for stuff online, your adds start to change towards (non) drinking items. This is true for Google but also for Facebook. Getting Add-block on a Firefox browser will help you not to see stuff like that. So it does not pop up when you are watching a vid together with a friend.

What’s in a name?

How to name your blog? Well…. a lot. People with blogs like ‘shit I need to quit drinking’ never ‘make it’. The name of your blog expresses your intentions. Make sure you get those right before you start. Something like:

Beware of your intentions, they shape your thoughts,
Beware of your thoughts, they shape your actions,
Beware of your actions, they shape your life.

Always log out of WordPress and your anonymous e-mail account after you are done.

Always log out and in and do NOT let your computer / device remember what the password is for these sites. You never know if it gets stolen or somebody finds it.

Also when you work from a Gmail account your Gmail profile will be visible online where ever you go. So when replying to something on YouTube, it will be from your anonymous soberblog mail. That can be quite scary if it happens to be a reply to somebody you know!

Never reply online to sites while having your Facebook opened.

Some sites take your not privatised Facebook account and post your real name with the comment. Sometimes you can undo, sometimes not. But with a Google search on your name the comment might show up. Not sure if closing your FB account actually works.

Write for yourself

Write for yourself, do not write for the other. Trying to impress, help or save other people from whatever faith is a TRAP. Don’t go there. (As I have 100.001 times. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ )

No matter how pink your clouds are, no matter how convinced you are that you have found the Ultimate Truth -which you have! Enjoy!- write FOR yourself. Because ‘own sobriety first’ and you need to find your sober feet, your sober body, heart and mind, your sober life first before you start reaching out. In the 3 years I have read sober blogs I have seen about 20 of them with first post of ‘I really want to help other people find sobriety’ and they were gone within weeks or months. That is not because it is bad to help. No way, it is actually good to help. But FIRST you need to help yourself. And because you are / have been addicted for so long it might not be totally clear to you what that entails. So: ‘own sobriety first’ – no writing for others.

The thing with addiction is that it has turned you into a person who is not living in the here and now and is not living in its own energetic center. If that means anything to you, or to anybody btw. :-D.

I am thinking addiction starts when the core of our being, whatever we feel that is, gets damaged or misplaced. And I am thinking addiction continues that process of damaging and misplacing. If we are lucky we are left with a partial overlap of our core with our body so we still have an inkling of who, where and when we are.

However, when addicted, we tend to lean forward to worry about the future. We are leaning backwards because we carry grief, pain, anger and resentment and whatever other hurt may lay in the past. But no matter what: living in the here and now is exactly what addiction tries to avoid.

Another unhandy thing is leaning sideways left and right to carry all kinds of things on our shoulders which are not our issues – or which we can not change. Writing for other people often comes with leaning forward, out of your core to impress the other. That takes energy which you need to keep to yourself.

There is this AA saying ‘One day at the time’ – I took/take it one moment at the time because this moment is ALL I EVER need to take care off. And when I tried to imagine even that I had to be sober in the evening, my imagination would drag me out of myself and I would fall over.

All in all sobriety will give you a feeling of being more ‘condensed’ – more centered, more in balance. And yes, this can take many months, even years – but while being sober your chances of improving life go up EVERY day.ย  Even if life does not go up, itย  does not goe down as fast as it would when drinking. There is really no problem in the world that does not get worst with drinking.

When drinking you run out of chances immediately. Energy and focus is on the addiction; how to get rid of it, how to hide bottles, how to score, how to not let people know, if your breath might smell, how to hide your hangover, how to not feel. How to not BE. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Not saying being sober is easy. But it is better.

Consider whom you write about

I write about all kinds of stuff. There are some, and actually I agree with them, who say one should not write about those who can not react. You might want to consider this before you write. As I said: the internet remembers everything. A rule of tumb: if you can not say stuff to somebody in person, it is very good not to write it to them or about them.

However, I have ditched that because I (hope to) trust my anonymity and because I need to let things out in order to survive.

Leaving anonymous replies at blogs – they are not 100% anonymous

WordPress and probably other blogs have a possibility to leave anonymous replies to a post. Please be aware that these replies might be anonymous to the average reader but NOT to the owner of the blog. Obviously not because of security / privacy issues of the blog owner who take precedence over those of the replyer. At the back side of the blog there is a list with all comments, the IP address of the writer of the reply and the e-mail address of this person.

If ever you wonder if people who reply to your blog reply under different names you could check if the IP address is the same. If they are different there is no guarantee that this is not the same person, and if they are the same it is neither but… well, you can sort that out. Also: keep in mind that IP address for computers can change over time. They are assigned by the internet company, not by the person using it.

For those who have a WordPress blog and want to find out what I am referring to above:

  • go to ‘My Site’ in the upper left corner.
  • scroll down to ‘WP Admin’ and press.
  • From the left bar select ‘Comments’
  • Here you can find all the comments related to YOUR blog only.
    • In this list you can find e-mail addresses of those who responded
    • IP addresses
    • You can approve, disapprove, delete, edit and mark replies to your post as spam.
  • There seems to be no list of comments one leaves at other blogs.

In theory anybody can set up a sober blog and be catfishing for IP addresses and e-mail adresses.

Settings

Blogs can be made public, be visible to people you have invited to read or hidden. You could actually make a blog your personal online dairy without posting anything. If that works, it works. Settings can be found in the system.

Do not tell people – the will look for it

Do not tell people you are writing a blog, no matter what they will try to find it and they probably can if they add enough you-specific words. When I Google on ‘alcohol addiction nurse uk blog’ I find ahangoverfreelife on page 3 of the results. Same might be happening to you once you out yourself.

Do not share photos or text you share at other sites as well

Just for ‘the fun of it’ (it worked out to be awful and it upset me pretty much) I once tracked down the husband of a sober blogger who was (she is not anymore and no it is not you!) complaining about a lack of intimacy. She had once posted a photo of her dog and with simple tools like Google ‘photo search’ I could track that same photo to her YouTube account and from there to her Facebook account and from there to the scorned husband. :-(.

What blogsite to choose? WordPress, blogspot?

I actually have no clues what the differences are but I chose WordPress because I was looking for an English-speaking audience. And also because blogspot used to be Dutch. But now I find I am the only Dutchy in the sober blogosphere here and anybody can see in their statistics wether or not somebody from the Netherlands visited their website. That is a bit of a bummer.

Deep in the WordPress settings are some buttons where you can link WordPress with Blogspot and other sites. The goal would be to exchange posts and comments.

What layout to choose?

I took one I liked and in which you can just scroll down to the former post. Also the comments are ‘easy’ to find in comparison to other layouts.

Should I pay for my blog to own it?

I have not found a reason for myself. Well, maybe if I were to found out WordPress was showing advertising on it I do not agree with but I have Add-block so I never see that. You could pay if you want to. Specifically if you want to go professional with what you write that would be a good idea.

Can anybody write and reply what they want?

You are allowed to write what you want, within legal boundaries and the contract you need to adhere to when building the blog. When you have an open blog like mine anybody can see your posts and reply. However, the first time somebody replies you will always have to approve the comment of this person. Also, you can decide not to. You can do so at that moment or later, even after you have approved it. You can also edit comments and delete them. Not sure if you can ban people from your blog. You can list somebody as spam which means they will be filtered out. But that would not be a nice way of dealing with people I guess.

How do people find my blog?

When this is your question, you might want to investigate a little more. As I said: it is important to write for yourself. The time where you can afford to write for others without getting all aloof will come. Own sobriety first.

And in answer to the question: there are courses for that but the simplest way to do so is add tags in the right column of the writing page. Use tags like ‘alcohol’, ‘drugs’, ‘addiction’, ‘AA’ and so forth. People search for that and this is how they find you. Also you can start following people by reading comments to other people’s blogs. Replying to other blogs is obviously also a nice way to try to make friends.

What do I write about?

Obviously there are 100.001 subjects to write about. What you might want to figure out is how far you want to go with opening up. I go all the way because I had to hide so much of me all my life this has created a pressure cooker which only found relieve in drinking. In order to not drink I let it all out. Not very attractive sometimes, but effective for me.

You might at some point feel uncomfortable in sharing stuff. Remember there is hardly any pressing reason to share everything always. You can always sleep it over and post later. You can always delete afterwards. The idea behind sobriety is that you learn to live healthily with your feelings and body. Taking feelings of discomfort seriously and finding other ways to comfort yourself than drinking or drugging is a good idea. ๐Ÿ™‚

Your blog, your sobriety, your rules in anything. You make it up. That is good. ๐Ÿ™‚ Enjoy.

I do not edit posts. Having said that, I edited this one because is it more instruction wiselikeish. In other posts I just ‘let the beast speak’ so to say. Whatever comes up is what comes up. Suppressing things and feelings and wanting things to be different and more beautiful, fantastic and succesful is what helped me get addicted so for me it is really important NOT to limit myself to wanting to write nice and ‘succesful’. Sobriety is not a competition.

It is not that I do not care about people reading my blog . Note that I am not saying ‘my readers’, I find that pretentious, I do not own people and I do not want to speak about people (not ‘them’) like I do. But I care about my need to unburden, as I said, to let out the beast or to write without limits more. That also included that I do not assume that I am everybodies friend, I guess my blog is acquired taste :-). But if that is what it takes, that is what it takes. I take an effort NOT to track if or if not people reply to my blog when I did to theirs. That might sound like it is, and work out to be a little autistic but sobriety is not high school. It is not about likes. It is about transforming. And by the time I can actually deal with ‘counting’ friends and comparing, maybe I will. I do not now.

Sobriety is about finding your authentic self back in this world. It is unraveling the spiritual mistake that choosing the ‘quick fix’ actually is. It is about learning to be here with yourself, to accept and to take life as it comes and deal with it as it is.

I hope to learn that. ๐Ÿ™‚ Today is my 35th month of sobriety. I am happy that I quit. I am grateful that I have my life returned to me. I still have not unraveled the spiritual mistake but I guess I will get there in time.

Hope this post helps you on your way. Please take my dark impression of help and trust for what it is; my dark impression. Not sure how this is for other people but obviously you have your own life experience to sail by. ๐Ÿ™‚

Wishing you a wonderful time on the web. Wishing you a blog which helps you be sober. Remember: whatever it takes to be sober is what it takes. Sobriety does not know shortcuts. That is why baby steps are good. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit. I hope you are happy that you quit too. โค

xx, Feeling

Boss, tax, chocolate

Things are difficult. Sad. Boss bitch is on war path again: “Ooh, I can not say that when Feeling is present (referring to the sex question about ‘how often do you do it?’ she half-finished when I walked in), but no worries guys, we can go back to normal when she’s not here.” She did another 3 of those today so with the large tax refund I got this week (3-4 monthly salaries) I (assume) I will be resigning next week. I will also be speaking with HR when I’m gone. Not totally sure yet. See how it feels later. There is something funny going on here too, which runs alongside; I have this intense feeling that all of my life I ‘had to go’, I should ‘rather not be there/present/alive because ‘too much’. That ‘nobody really likes me anyhow’. That I should ‘take myself out of the equation’ because I am not worth living anyhow. And she presses all these buttons. Stay and learn with the chance that I go under quickly en seriously or not take any chances with my mental health and energy and go? Repeating my leaving as I did in a lot of situations in my life. I keep on meeting these awful strange people of which everybody says ‘THEY. ARE. CRAZY – it is NOT you!’ But I keep on having to deal with them. I don’t know yet. Time will tell. And bwaahaha, maybe I should start taking life into my hands again. But that is the stupidity of situations like these: they take my life’s energy and I need to swim against the stream to keep alive. Anybody any advice?

I had no chocolate during this whole week except 1/4 bar this afternoon which makes a huge difference in how I am aware of my surroundings. That is great. Or not.:-)ย  I ‘knew’ sugar has a big impact on me, specifically the way I use it. It has become a so manniest addiction and I really need to look at it but I find it too difficult because of ‘poor me’. This week off works sort of like a 30 day challenge for alcohol. (No it doesn’t because it is not 30 days! Oooh, the lying….): it gives the effects on the body of sober living while the mind and the addict within can be at ease thinking ‘oooh, it is only 30 days… should be able to do that, let’s do this because otherwise I prove that I AM an addict….’. Well, it was a nice week and my awareness and sensitivity to energy and what is going on inside is back. I, again, learn why I have an addictive personality because the awareness of all which is going on inside and outside me is pretty overwhelming if I do not keep centered, aware and at ease all day. Breathing helps :-).

Last Monday I opened a letter from the tax office which send me reeling because it said that I had (missed) an appointment with them the week before. As you might know I never open my post immediately and this is one of the consequences. I was very disappointed at myself and very stressed out. Did not sleep that night and my blood pressure rose to a height I have never sensed before. Next day I mailed my admin person, 2 days later we spoke: he will contact the tax office and have the meeting with them since he can solve it in 10 minutes and no stress while I will be stressing out over this for days to come. Do I feel childish? Yes I do. Do I feel I have the right to move this ‘burden’ to somebody who gets paid for it. Yes I do. Sort of. And I realise now that I do not want to think about it because the only thing I say to me is ‘you are stupid’. But a woman who loves herself, she would have….? She actually feels she should have dealt with it. Hmmm…. :-/ I feel I should apologise personally to the person who came here while I was at work. Ok, I will call him.

Can’t wait for my new course in singing to start this Wednesday. I also like the video’s on Medical Intuition from Carolyn Myss very mych. There are 3 now:

1 What is medical intuition?
2 Why people don’t heal
3 The 5 keys to learning medical intuition

The content of the first is an answer to the question What is medical intuition. The second video is on what I call ‘ziektewinst’ – a Dutch word for ‘what we gain when we are ill’. She is pretty much into that and seeing it as a reason why people don’t heal. I think for me it can be true / is often true. I would not go about putting that out there to anybody else. (Rephrase: I did, and I regretted it). Not sure if I like the stern way she speaks about it but she does not get unkind, she is compassionate but strict. I like the way she deals with boundaries and speaks about power – although I would use the word strength more than power but that might be a language thing. The 3rd vid is a (bit messy) listing of 5 important points to learning medical intuition. I do not so much want to learn medical intuition as that Iย  want to get it clear. I have big medical intuition but I get it mixed up with fear which is not a good thing. I think she can learn me to get my intuition clear, be it medical or otherwise. That is the only thing I know for sure about my life: that I need to get clear, to undo the hold that addiction has on me, to undo the hold that past events, memories, bad memories have on me. That’s ‘all’. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Not much more to say here. A woman who loves herself would have been in bed already. I am happy that I quit and actually I am happy that I am working on quitting chocolate too. And I would be really grateful if I could put a stop to the moaning about it that I do. I guess you too :-).

Wishing you all a good weekend. Hoping you are happy that you quit too. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

Cake with cognac

Just got home from work. Not sure how I feel. My boss had been getting at me the whole morning and that was tough. I try to keep on thinking ‘how somebody behaves and what they do is their business, not mine. But it was difficult. Others told me she was pissed off with me for taking yesterday off. I told her it was about my mothers dying day anniversary. She had forgotten to note it down so when she arrived at work she was surprised that I was not present. Strange because they day before I has specifically told a colleague that I had the day off and she was standing next to me so, well, beats me.

Just before I left she came carrying a piece of cake sort of telling me to eat it ‘Have some cake! Have some cake! Here, come sit with me!’ I sort of joked something about E-numbers; trying to not have to eat the cake. “No, no, no E-numbers.” I had no clue what it was about. I thought she wanted to speak about stuff so I sat down. She kept on rambling and looking at me conspicuously while I ate the cake. I kept on thinking: something is very wrong but I can’t find what. There is something with the cake but I can’t well, I guess I thought ‘read it in the air’ because that is what I do if I don’t know stuff. But that is another subject. She kept on pushing the cake:ย  “Nice cake, not? Very nice cake.” I agreed. She kept on pushing;ย  “I specifically like the bottom. I specifically like the bottom” “Yeah, baked well.” I was wondering what it was all about until I got the last bite: “Does contain alcohol though. Did you not notice?” “No, I did not. Must have baked out.” I did not show any fright or concern, I already felt that she was trying to poison me, just did not know how yet. That I could not read in the air.

I went home, threw up. Cried. Started writing. Fucking bitch. She knows I do not take in any alcohol. I told her what I tell others: it makes me depressed to the point of becoming suicidal.

Obviously the alcohol baked out mostly. The cake was baked by a colleague, the crust was really thin and prebaked. He put it in his dough which is shortbread, you can’t really put a lot of alcohol in there and still keep it as short and crisp as it was so I guess quantity wise I am ‘safe’. I do feel like I overdosed on sugar. My mind is angry, looking for trouble. I am sad, feel like she wants to humiliate me, feeling the pain of that. I want to trash things, break things, kill myself just to get out of this world and this situation. But other than than I am fine. Which in itself is a funny sentence I guess.

She is a sadist and likes torturing women especially.

I find it difficult to leave because I can not seem to get my life in order to be able to do so. That must change. What would a woman who loves herself do? First I will allow myself to cry over this, no matter how hard most people say I should not let it get to me. It does get to me and I find it difficult that somebody can want to be so mean to me. What the fuck did I do to her? I always think that she feels threatened by my vulnerability. I am an open book. I can not lie very well. The looks of contempt she give me are difficult to deal with. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I find it very difficult now. Cunt.

Well, sorry for my French. This is how it is today. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m going to read he comments on my 2 year sober post from yesterday now. Ghegheghe… I am so VERY VERY VERY happy this ‘incident’ did not happen 2 days ago. I think I would have been a whole lot more upset then. Now I somehow have the ‘I have 2 years booze free’ medal in my heart and mind. Which is good. I am happy that I quit. ๐Ÿ™‚

Thank you for reading. Sorry for my French.

I am happy that I quit. Because because of quitting I know have an idea of how to deal with this. I have had a warning that alcohol is still a no-go area for me. I have been warned that my standard reaction to difficulty is still ‘I want to kill myself.’ Which, for anybody who is worried: I will not do. I will take extra care of me, ok, and an extra bag of chips, and start cleaning my house because that is what a woman who loves herself would do. She would deal with things, or at least try to learn to deal. Which is what I need to do. Write it out, cry about it. Try to differentiate between the other trying to put me down and me trying to put me down. See where I take over in this relay called beating up Feeling.

I am surprised, in a not funny way in how destructive I can be towards myself. In my behaviour, in the way I feel about myself, in the way I behave when with people. I can not find the word but it is amazing, without the good feelings of amazing to it. So much learning opportunity. So much not wanting to learn this because it hurt. I guess this is it: I NEED to take this step where I keep aware of what is going on because that is where the change is. If I don’t take a look atย  this I will only find more bosses and people who will treat me like this. It is a karma thing, as long as I do not stand up for myself and learn to keep nasty people out of my energy, I will keep on being a target for others who feel like projecting their own issues on me. I need to let go of this poor-me approach but shit, why do I have to do the work when she is the bitch? ๐Ÿ˜€ Ghegheghe, that is a joke. And next to that I mean it. :-(. Ghegheghe…

On we go. I am happy that I quit. ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

I hope you are happy that you quit too. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

 

I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT – 2 years

Today is the dying day anniversary of my mother and my 2 years sober celebration. I’m thinking there is still quite of lot of work ahead but 2 years = good. ๐Ÿ™‚

I AM SO HAPPY THAT I QUIT.

I still have no clue as to where my life is heading but the only thing I have to do is to get clear. Not there yet, my fight with replacement addiction sugar has come to comparable proportions as the alcohol. Not that I eat so much (I do :-)) but it influences me so much. Can’t I stop. Nope, not yet. And bwaaahahahaha, specifically not today. Or especially today. Do not know.

I am thinking of quitting my job. Which in itself is a BAD idea because I do not have a new one. But I am sick of listening to either my boss being sick about sex or my colleagues going on about it. Yesterday she asked every guy in the company how long is his dick is. And a not so nice colleague of mine (the alcoholic who has not quit yet) continued to tell everybody that he does not need to measure because in his life he has ruptured the vagina’s of at least 20 women. He finds it especially enticing when they scream. Yes, bad taste to even repeat this sick behaviour. I have a lot of difficulty energetically repairing from that when I come home. Looking for another job is very difficult because I get very scared of the world after hearing this. I need to take better care of myself. I can not have lunch with them, I guess that would be a better idea but the nice guy is also there and he sort of stabilizes me energetically through the day. He’s a sort of anchor.

Pffff, I don’t feel like moaning anymore. I should think at 2 years I could me more in control of my own life. Maybe I should stop feeling ill and get on with life. I am still trying to find out why I hold back on living and deciding my own thing. There is part of me which wants to make sure I do that soundly; like not in the control mode I was when drinking. And there is a part of me which is rather sick and pathetic than alive. I wonder about that part. It feels like if I show up for life, take my place, people will kill me. I am guessing that is how I experienced my life before. Need to find balance there too. Well, there is a whole list of things but it is not getting done with me sitting here typing! So off I go! I have the day off for some serious cleaning, some admin and some celebrating and I hope to fit in looking for another job too.

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that you quit too. If you did not (yet): good that you are around here in the sober blogosphere to read and think and feel about addiction. ๐Ÿ™‚ Take care. Do what a woman/man who loves her/himself would do. ๐Ÿ™‚

Wishing you a nice sober day.

xx, Feeling

 

Short post :-)

Hello!

I’m still around, month 22 (edit: month 21!!! stupid concussion), if I had not noted that already. But still having a concussion so online time is limited. But still VERY HAPPY THAT I QUIT. Currently, if I have clear time and am not tired I read Craig Nakken’s book ‘The addictive personality’ again. Wow! Again, it blows my mind. I have come a long way with 21 months, but the actual unaddicting will take some serious work.

I wanted to drop some info for those who might appreciate it. There is a new online summit and this one is on ANXIETY. For those who are not familair with online summits: you sign up using your e-mail address and a first name. Mostly you get an introduction e-mail and in that you have to click to confirm. On the said dates there will be video’s online of interviews with experts. These work according to, well, let us call it the Cinderella principle: so only visible for free for 24 full hours. At the end of the average summit all the vids will be visible during a weekend. If you want to have the vids you can buy them.

I am happy that I quit. Because I do not think I would be alive anymore if I had not. That has become very clear during the first days of my concussion. The blow emotionally threw me back in time about 2 years and I felt very much like I did not like life and me anymore :-(. Things are still unstable but not so dark. Stupid concussion messes with the mind. ๐Ÿ˜€

Because of the concussion I had to do CONTINOUS RIGOROUS SELFCARE. Pfffff, sigh…. that was/is difficult. So the WWAWWLHD came in very handy. I love this tool. Happy I found it. Tells me: she would not worry about cleaning now because she needs to be in bed / She would drop the chocolate because it might mess with her sleeping pattern and she needs her sleep / She would get out of bed to drink some water because the brain needs to float, not dry out.

What I am not doing is my admin. I have some letters from the tax office laying about and an invoice saying ‘open now or else’. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ And I still CAN NOT ask for help. It is not helping that my SIL, whom I did this with before is on a path where she condemns everything I do or say and then continuous with ‘Well I really don’t think there is anybody as sensitive as you are!’ You know what? I was doubting myself but now I write this down I realise that nobody ever meant something nice with saying: ‘Well I really don’t think there is anybody as sensitive as you are!’ Life is difficult sometimes. I don’t know what I did to irritate her but I keep on hearing my brother through what she says. As if he is telling her what to say. Why do I even write this down? Ooh yeah, I was wondering if I make thing complicated between me and my SIL so I do not have to ask for help. Also, I feel disappointed that she does not offer, since she said she would help me. But is not offering the same as helping? Maybe, in my case, NOT offering helps me more. :-D. I’m sick of it all, there are things I can do, but not with a concussion too. And trying to work with a concussion. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Yes, yes, moaning and sulking. I’m off to bed. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit, hope you are too :-). Being happy that you quit makes things so much easier! ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

Ouch! :-D

In addition to my earlier post on how people find me I would like to add this search used by a visitor of my blog:

howtofuckupinlife

That one actually really hurt. Ouch!

For those of you not familiar with the backside of WordPress: there is a statistics page which shows how many people visit, who is following, how many posts have been read and… what search words people use who end up at my blog. This person came to my blog with ‘how to fuck up in life’. Yeah. THANK YOU FOR THE REMINDER! ๐Ÿ˜€

Btw: if you would like to keep your search anonymouslike (only anonymous for the blogs you will visit – not for Google) you can use Google and type the words you are looking for and I think precede that by the word ‘wordpress’ and you get the same-ish result.

I am happy that I quit. I have however a light concussion which was a work accident, not my doing, was bending over and got knocked on the head by an oncoming metal table pushed by a guy who is too strong for this world – still waiting for the flowers to arrive :-D. I have a nasty headache and am mainly very very tired while sleeping 19 hours a day for 5 days in a row now. But mostly I am more emotional than the leave Britney alone homo. First day I felt like I was back in the dark pit where I was when still drinking and hitting rock bottom. ‘I don’t care if I wake up anymooohooooohooooor, I migth as well be deaheaaheaaaad.’ But that is mostly gone now. Well, it is informative. I tried to get into the feeling of ‘This too shall pass.’ Which is actually a good thing. Funny that I, in my whole life, never learned that. Guess my parents must have tried but I can imagine I took it as diminishing my problems.

I am very happy that I quit. Trying to apply the ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’ principle during the day and gosh it is a big relieve of that mean bitch inside my head. ๐Ÿ™‚ Still I am surprised to find that a woman who loves herself actually makes the good choices. I still somehow think she would eat chocolate all day, not cook and go to bed late. The very opposite is true. It does show that my Calvinistic (is that an English word too?) upbringing in the Netherlands has had its influence.

So, too much screentime for me already. The first days after the concussion I could actually see the screen ‘flickre’ (if that is a word – turn on and of very rapidly)

As said: I am happy that I quit, hope you are happy too. Being happy about quitting makes it way easier. Eeasy-peasy I would say, if only I had known…, and now let’s not get arrogant…ย  I think I should be more into the next steps in sobriety. Not doing that, I feel like I’m standing still and I think that is also the message from the Universe with this concussion. AND I STILL DO NOT HAVE A CLUE WHAT (TF?) I WANT WITH MY LIFE. Well, I do, but I don’t dare to switch. I would love to go into eco farming and natural healing but that switch takes money I don’t have. Let’s see. I notice now that I am only looking at how it is not possible instead of at how it would be possible. Hmmm. Food for thought.

Wishing you a nice sober day. I feel the need to remind you of the free, online alcohol desensitization program I followed. Not sure why I feel that way just now but hey, if you feel on the edge or never want to feel on the edge again, it is worth a try; it is a sort of computer game and it will bore the hell out of your want to drink. Really. ๐Ÿ˜€ And that is good, very good. There is one ‘game’ for smoking and pot too. Enjoy!

xx, Feeling