Boss, tax, chocolate

Things are difficult. Sad. Boss bitch is on war path again: “Ooh, I can not say that when Feeling is present (referring to the sex question about ‘how often do you do it?’ she half-finished when I walked in), but no worries guys, we can go back to normal when she’s not here.” She did another 3 of those today so with the large tax refund I got this week (3-4 monthly salaries) I (assume) I will be resigning next week. I will also be speaking with HR when I’m gone. Not totally sure yet. See how it feels later. There is something funny going on here too, which runs alongside; I have this intense feeling that all of my life I ‘had to go’, I should ‘rather not be there/present/alive because ‘too much’. That ‘nobody really likes me anyhow’. That I should ‘take myself out of the equation’ because I am not worth living anyhow. And she presses all these buttons. Stay and learn with the chance that I go under quickly en seriously or not take any chances with my mental health and energy and go? Repeating my leaving as I did in a lot of situations in my life. I keep on meeting these awful strange people of which everybody says ‘THEY. ARE. CRAZY – it is NOT you!’ But I keep on having to deal with them. I don’t know yet. Time will tell. And bwaahaha, maybe I should start taking life into my hands again. But that is the stupidity of situations like these: they take my life’s energy and I need to swim against the stream to keep alive. Anybody any advice?

I had no chocolate during this whole week except 1/4 bar this afternoon which makes a huge difference in how I am aware of my surroundings. That is great. Or not.:-)ย  I ‘knew’ sugar has a big impact on me, specifically the way I use it. It has become a so manniest addiction and I really need to look at it but I find it too difficult because of ‘poor me’. This week off works sort of like a 30 day challenge for alcohol. (No it doesn’t because it is not 30 days! Oooh, the lying….): it gives the effects on the body of sober living while the mind and the addict within can be at ease thinking ‘oooh, it is only 30 days… should be able to do that, let’s do this because otherwise I prove that I AM an addict….’. Well, it was a nice week and my awareness and sensitivity to energy and what is going on inside is back. I, again, learn why I have an addictive personality because the awareness of all which is going on inside and outside me is pretty overwhelming if I do not keep centered, aware and at ease all day. Breathing helps :-).

Last Monday I opened a letter from the tax office which send me reeling because it said that I had (missed) an appointment with them the week before. As you might know I never open my post immediately and this is one of the consequences. I was very disappointed at myself and very stressed out. Did not sleep that night and my blood pressure rose to a height I have never sensed before. Next day I mailed my admin person, 2 days later we spoke: he will contact the tax office and have the meeting with them since he can solve it in 10 minutes and no stress while I will be stressing out over this for days to come. Do I feel childish? Yes I do. Do I feel I have the right to move this ‘burden’ to somebody who gets paid for it. Yes I do. Sort of. And I realise now that I do not want to think about it because the only thing I say to me is ‘you are stupid’. But a woman who loves herself, she would have….? She actually feels she should have dealt with it. Hmmm…. :-/ I feel I should apologise personally to the person who came here while I was at work. Ok, I will call him.

Can’t wait for my new course in singing to start this Wednesday. I also like the video’s on Medical Intuition from Carolyn Myss very mych. There are 3 now:

1 What is medical intuition?
2 Why people don’t heal
3 The 5 keys to learning medical intuition

The content of the first is an answer to the question What is medical intuition. The second video is on what I call ‘ziektewinst’ – a Dutch word for ‘what we gain when we are ill’. She is pretty much into that and seeing it as a reason why people don’t heal. I think for me it can be true / is often true. I would not go about putting that out there to anybody else. (Rephrase: I did, and I regretted it). Not sure if I like the stern way she speaks about it but she does not get unkind, she is compassionate but strict. I like the way she deals with boundaries and speaks about power – although I would use the word strength more than power but that might be a language thing. The 3rd vid is a (bit messy) listing of 5 important points to learning medical intuition. I do not so much want to learn medical intuition as that Iย  want to get it clear. I have big medical intuition but I get it mixed up with fear which is not a good thing. I think she can learn me to get my intuition clear, be it medical or otherwise. That is the only thing I know for sure about my life: that I need to get clear, to undo the hold that addiction has on me, to undo the hold that past events, memories, bad memories have on me. That’s ‘all’. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Not much more to say here. A woman who loves herself would have been in bed already. I am happy that I quit and actually I am happy that I am working on quitting chocolate too. And I would be really grateful if I could put a stop to the moaning about it that I do. I guess you too :-).

Wishing you all a good weekend. Hoping you are happy that you quit too. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

Cake with cognac

Just got home from work. Not sure how I feel. My boss had been getting at me the whole morning and that was tough. I try to keep on thinking ‘how somebody behaves and what they do is their business, not mine. But it was difficult. Others told me she was pissed off with me for taking yesterday off. I told her it was about my mothers dying day anniversary. She had forgotten to note it down so when she arrived at work she was surprised that I was not present. Strange because they day before I has specifically told a colleague that I had the day off and she was standing next to me so, well, beats me.

Just before I left she came carrying a piece of cake sort of telling me to eat it ‘Have some cake! Have some cake! Here, come sit with me!’ I sort of joked something about E-numbers; trying to not have to eat the cake. “No, no, no E-numbers.” I had no clue what it was about. I thought she wanted to speak about stuff so I sat down. She kept on rambling and looking at me conspicuously while I ate the cake. I kept on thinking: something is very wrong but I can’t find what. There is something with the cake but I can’t well, I guess I thought ‘read it in the air’ because that is what I do if I don’t know stuff. But that is another subject. She kept on pushing the cake:ย  “Nice cake, not? Very nice cake.” I agreed. She kept on pushing;ย  “I specifically like the bottom. I specifically like the bottom” “Yeah, baked well.” I was wondering what it was all about until I got the last bite: “Does contain alcohol though. Did you not notice?” “No, I did not. Must have baked out.” I did not show any fright or concern, I already felt that she was trying to poison me, just did not know how yet. That I could not read in the air.

I went home, threw up. Cried. Started writing. Fucking bitch. She knows I do not take in any alcohol. I told her what I tell others: it makes me depressed to the point of becoming suicidal.

Obviously the alcohol baked out mostly. The cake was baked by a colleague, the crust was really thin and prebaked. He put it in his dough which is shortbread, you can’t really put a lot of alcohol in there and still keep it as short and crisp as it was so I guess quantity wise I am ‘safe’. I do feel like I overdosed on sugar. My mind is angry, looking for trouble. I am sad, feel like she wants to humiliate me, feeling the pain of that. I want to trash things, break things, kill myself just to get out of this world and this situation. But other than than I am fine. Which in itself is a funny sentence I guess.

She is a sadist and likes torturing women especially.

I find it difficult to leave because I can not seem to get my life in order to be able to do so. That must change. What would a woman who loves herself do? First I will allow myself to cry over this, no matter how hard most people say I should not let it get to me. It does get to me and I find it difficult that somebody can want to be so mean to me. What the fuck did I do to her? I always think that she feels threatened by my vulnerability. I am an open book. I can not lie very well. The looks of contempt she give me are difficult to deal with. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I find it very difficult now. Cunt.

Well, sorry for my French. This is how it is today. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m going to read he comments on my 2 year sober post from yesterday now. Ghegheghe… I am so VERY VERY VERY happy this ‘incident’ did not happen 2 days ago. I think I would have been a whole lot more upset then. Now I somehow have the ‘I have 2 years booze free’ medal in my heart and mind. Which is good. I am happy that I quit. ๐Ÿ™‚

Thank you for reading. Sorry for my French.

I am happy that I quit. Because because of quitting I know have an idea of how to deal with this. I have had a warning that alcohol is still a no-go area for me. I have been warned that my standard reaction to difficulty is still ‘I want to kill myself.’ Which, for anybody who is worried: I will not do. I will take extra care of me, ok, and an extra bag of chips, and start cleaning my house because that is what a woman who loves herself would do. She would deal with things, or at least try to learn to deal. Which is what I need to do. Write it out, cry about it. Try to differentiate between the other trying to put me down and me trying to put me down. See where I take over in this relay called beating up Feeling.

I am surprised, in a not funny way in how destructive I can be towards myself. In my behaviour, in the way I feel about myself, in the way I behave when with people. I can not find the word but it is amazing, without the good feelings of amazing to it. So much learning opportunity. So much not wanting to learn this because it hurt. I guess this is it: I NEED to take this step where I keep aware of what is going on because that is where the change is. If I don’t take a look atย  this I will only find more bosses and people who will treat me like this. It is a karma thing, as long as I do not stand up for myself and learn to keep nasty people out of my energy, I will keep on being a target for others who feel like projecting their own issues on me. I need to let go of this poor-me approach but shit, why do I have to do the work when she is the bitch? ๐Ÿ˜€ Ghegheghe, that is a joke. And next to that I mean it. :-(. Ghegheghe…

On we go. I am happy that I quit. ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

I hope you are happy that you quit too. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling



Today is the dying day anniversary of my mother and my 2 years sober celebration. I’m thinking there is still quite of lot of work ahead but 2 years = good. ๐Ÿ™‚


I still have no clue as to where my life is heading but the only thing I have to do is to get clear. Not there yet, my fight with replacement addiction sugar has come to comparable proportions as the alcohol. Not that I eat so much (I do :-)) but it influences me so much. Can’t I stop. Nope, not yet. And bwaaahahahaha, specifically not today. Or especially today. Do not know.

I am thinking of quitting my job. Which in itself is a BAD idea because I do not have a new one. But I am sick of listening to either my boss being sick about sex or my colleagues going on about it. Yesterday she asked every guy in the company how long is his dick is. And a not so nice colleague of mine (the alcoholic who has not quit yet) continued to tell everybody that he does not need to measure because in his life he has ruptured the vagina’s of at least 20 women. He finds it especially enticing when they scream. Yes, bad taste to even repeat this sick behaviour. I have a lot of difficulty energetically repairing from that when I come home. Looking for another job is very difficult because I get very scared of the world after hearing this. I need to take better care of myself. I can not have lunch with them, I guess that would be a better idea but the nice guy is also there and he sort of stabilizes me energetically through the day. He’s a sort of anchor.

Pffff, I don’t feel like moaning anymore. I should think at 2 years I could me more in control of my own life. Maybe I should stop feeling ill and get on with life. I am still trying to find out why I hold back on living and deciding my own thing. There is part of me which wants to make sure I do that soundly; like not in the control mode I was when drinking. And there is a part of me which is rather sick and pathetic than alive. I wonder about that part. It feels like if I show up for life, take my place, people will kill me. I am guessing that is how I experienced my life before. Need to find balance there too. Well, there is a whole list of things but it is not getting done with me sitting here typing! So off I go! I have the day off for some serious cleaning, some admin and some celebrating and I hope to fit in looking for another job too.

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that you quit too. If you did not (yet): good that you are around here in the sober blogosphere to read and think and feel about addiction. ๐Ÿ™‚ Take care. Do what a woman/man who loves her/himself would do. ๐Ÿ™‚

Wishing you a nice sober day.

xx, Feeling


Short post :-)


I’m still around, month 22 (edit: month 21!!! stupid concussion), if I had not noted that already. But still having a concussion so online time is limited. But still VERY HAPPY THAT I QUIT. Currently, if I have clear time and am not tired I read Craig Nakken’s book ‘The addictive personality’ again. Wow! Again, it blows my mind. I have come a long way with 21 months, but the actual unaddicting will take some serious work.

I wanted to drop some info for those who might appreciate it. There is a new online summit and this one is on ANXIETY. For those who are not familair with online summits: you sign up using your e-mail address and a first name. Mostly you get an introduction e-mail and in that you have to click to confirm. On the said dates there will be video’s online of interviews with experts. These work according to, well, let us call it the Cinderella principle: so only visible for free for 24 full hours. At the end of the average summit all the vids will be visible during a weekend. If you want to have the vids you can buy them.

I am happy that I quit. Because I do not think I would be alive anymore if I had not. That has become very clear during the first days of my concussion. The blow emotionally threw me back in time about 2 years and I felt very much like I did not like life and me anymore :-(. Things are still unstable but not so dark. Stupid concussion messes with the mind. ๐Ÿ˜€

Because of the concussion I had to do CONTINOUS RIGOROUS SELFCARE. Pfffff, sigh…. that was/is difficult. So the WWAWWLHD came in very handy. I love this tool. Happy I found it. Tells me: she would not worry about cleaning now because she needs to be in bed / She would drop the chocolate because it might mess with her sleeping pattern and she needs her sleep / She would get out of bed to drink some water because the brain needs to float, not dry out.

What I am not doing is my admin. I have some letters from the tax office laying about and an invoice saying ‘open now or else’. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ And I still CAN NOT ask for help. It is not helping that my SIL, whom I did this with before is on a path where she condemns everything I do or say and then continuous with ‘Well I really don’t think there is anybody as sensitive as you are!’ You know what? I was doubting myself but now I write this down I realise that nobody ever meant something nice with saying: ‘Well I really don’t think there is anybody as sensitive as you are!’ Life is difficult sometimes. I don’t know what I did to irritate her but I keep on hearing my brother through what she says. As if he is telling her what to say. Why do I even write this down? Ooh yeah, I was wondering if I make thing complicated between me and my SIL so I do not have to ask for help. Also, I feel disappointed that she does not offer, since she said she would help me. But is not offering the same as helping? Maybe, in my case, NOT offering helps me more. :-D. I’m sick of it all, there are things I can do, but not with a concussion too. And trying to work with a concussion. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Yes, yes, moaning and sulking. I’m off to bed. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit, hope you are too :-). Being happy that you quit makes things so much easier! ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

Ouch! :-D

In addition to my earlier post on how people find me I would like to add this search used by a visitor of my blog:


That one actually really hurt. Ouch!

For those of you not familiar with the backside of WordPress: there is a statistics page which shows how many people visit, who is following, how many posts have been read and… what search words people use who end up at my blog. This person came to my blog with ‘how to fuck up in life’. Yeah. THANK YOU FOR THE REMINDER! ๐Ÿ˜€

Btw: if you would like to keep your search anonymouslike (only anonymous for the blogs you will visit – not for Google) you can use Google and type the words you are looking for and I think precede that by the word ‘wordpress’ and you get the same-ish result.

I am happy that I quit. I have however a light concussion which was a work accident, not my doing, was bending over and got knocked on the head by an oncoming metal table pushed by a guy who is too strong for this world – still waiting for the flowers to arrive :-D. I have a nasty headache and am mainly very very tired while sleeping 19 hours a day for 5 days in a row now. But mostly I am more emotional than the leave Britney alone homo. First day I felt like I was back in the dark pit where I was when still drinking and hitting rock bottom. ‘I don’t care if I wake up anymooohooooohooooor, I migth as well be deaheaaheaaaad.’ But that is mostly gone now. Well, it is informative. I tried to get into the feeling of ‘This too shall pass.’ Which is actually a good thing. Funny that I, in my whole life, never learned that. Guess my parents must have tried but I can imagine I took it as diminishing my problems.

I am very happy that I quit. Trying to apply the ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’ principle during the day and gosh it is a big relieve of that mean bitch inside my head. ๐Ÿ™‚ Still I am surprised to find that a woman who loves herself actually makes the good choices. I still somehow think she would eat chocolate all day, not cook and go to bed late. The very opposite is true. It does show that my Calvinistic (is that an English word too?) upbringing in the Netherlands has had its influence.

So, too much screentime for me already. The first days after the concussion I could actually see the screen ‘flickre’ (if that is a word – turn on and of very rapidly)

As said: I am happy that I quit, hope you are happy too. Being happy about quitting makes it way easier. Eeasy-peasy I would say, if only I had known…, and now let’s not get arrogant…ย  I think I should be more into the next steps in sobriety. Not doing that, I feel like I’m standing still and I think that is also the message from the Universe with this concussion. AND I STILL DO NOT HAVE A CLUE WHAT (TF?) I WANT WITH MY LIFE. Well, I do, but I don’t dare to switch. I would love to go into eco farming and natural healing but that switch takes money I don’t have. Let’s see. I notice now that I am only looking at how it is not possible instead of at how it would be possible. Hmmm. Food for thought.

Wishing you a nice sober day. I feel the need to remind you of the free, online alcohol desensitization program I followed. Not sure why I feel that way just now but hey, if you feel on the edge or never want to feel on the edge again, it is worth a try; it is a sort of computer game and it will bore the hell out of your want to drink. Really. ๐Ÿ˜€ And that is good, very good. There is one ‘game’ for smoking and pot too. Enjoy!

xx, Feeling

I adulted!

The other day! I adulted! My boss, she said something about work and it was negative, can’t remember what so I asked: “When you say that, I get the impression that you think I am a slacker. Is that what you mean?” She looked surprised for a tenth of a second but did not want to show that and replied: “No, I do not think you are a slacker, I do think you lose focus ever so now and then. I am here to help you with that.”

“Ok, thank you.” At which I smiled a genuine smile and she a proud superior one which changed to genuine immediately. It made me realise that she must get a lot of BS from everybody.

I think she is absolutely right in me losing focus sometimes, often. And I went there to get back in the working life and one of the things I lack is concentration and focus. She sees that and in her own special, ok, sometimes very special way ๐Ÿ˜‰ she ‘fixes’ it.

The other day I had an experience where I, in reality realised that I would not have been so very different when in her position. It is my (by others informed) idea that position in a company very much determines how one reacts. When I (incorrectly) heard that my boss had invested 700.000 dollars in the place I immediately thought ‘Ooh, she’s very mild then…’ Well, anyway, our products were up for a randomised laboratory test which means that several products of our lots would be picked out to be send to a lab for inspection. I was working as normal(ish) and minding my own business when a collegue dropped by and started fiddling with my product. I said “Nooooooo!” in a warning voice and he continued fiddling. What we do is very precise and I know I can work very precise, I Very Much did not want him to set anything off. Next thing I know is me feeling a stinging pain in my fingers because in a reflex I slapped him on his hand so viciously that now, more than 4 days after, I still have a ‘dead’ feeling in one of them.

Yeah, take a breath. In this situation I did not adult so very much. He grinned and walked on. These guys are tough so it did not seem like there was much harm done but wow! I was all over the place trying to keep all these pieces of my aura together which had just fallen apart in this total dress down of my idea of me. Naked truth, it litterally felt like that. I realised a lot of things all at once: my childhood had given me this reflex as a normal way of dealing – my mother used to slap me accross my fingers with the same focussed energy but it was the first time that this came out in me – with the disclaimer: while being sober. Secondly, that I was / am afraid so much of what the test would bring that this would set me on edge so much. These levels of stress below the levels of ‘not caring’ or ‘thinking that I am ok eventhough the situation is crazy.’ And thirdly: I am not so much different from my boss. When I go for it, I go for it. And last, but not least I was ASHAMED. Ashamed of showing such a lack of control, ashamed of condemning my boss while actually she only puts things in words, I have never seen her hit anybody other than jokingly. Which in itself shows a whole new level of accepting the crazy in the company. Yes. Ashamed. I cried. Again, silently in my own little corner, thinking, guessing, hoping nobody would see. It took me like 15 minutes to gather myself together, walk up to the guy and tell him I was sorry that I has slapped him so hard. Yes, yes, not that I had slapped him, but that I had slapped him so hard. He was testing my limits with the fiddling and it was ok that he found them. But I should not have hit him so hard.

He laughed and said “Aaaaw, ghegheghe, are you still thinking about that?! Don’t worry, no harm done. You make life too complicated.”

“I am ashamed.” (and I started to get teary ๐Ÿ˜ฆ )

“Ghegheghe, don’t you worry so much.”

Which obviously is the ultimate guy answer to anything but I guess he meant it.

Today we spoke about it. I commented on something being dirty and he said “My god, you start to sound like her!”

“Yeah, I am afraid that is so. I realised there is a whole new layer to me the other day when I slapped you accross your fingers. I’m guessing that I have the same determination when it comes to proving myself.”

“Yeah, well, nothing wrong with perfectionism.”

“No, no, I guess it should not lead to slapping but I actually start to understand where she comes from ever so now and then.”

“Yeah. She is working on giving you a better contract by the way. But you don’t know that and you certainly did not hear that from me. Question is: are you happy with that? Or should you be?”

“I am not sure. I have been trying another approach to what I experience. I have spoken to her on how I experience what she says. I felt very, very adult :-D. She told me I sometimes lack focus. I think I do. I came here to get that back. I think it is working.”

“Yeah, until she starts yelling again and we are all back to zero.”

“Yeah….. that is possible. I am a perfectionist and an idealist so I won’t give up too easily. It generally means I am in for a lot of rough confrontations and downfalls though. :-D”

“Ghegheghe, yep.”

“We shall see. :-)”

So, this is how things are currently at work. And… I need to get my life in order because I am not making enough money to sustain myself. The company is closed on a weekday, meaning that the ‘weekend’ only exists of 1 day when I work 5 days. I can’t deal with that. I could work 5 days, but with a 2 day weekend, not with 2 * 1 day off. And if I do work 5 days in this situation…. I kick out another guy who does the one day… so hmmm, that is, dunno, that would be the second one that gets kicked out because of me. Does not feel right.

Another person, well actually two of them I could not care less about. One of them attacked me with a story on how he thinks women showing body parts, ‘titties’ and decoltage should be raped because they are asking for it and they should be punished. When I told him that idease like that are not cherised in The Netherlands he answered that where he comes from everybody thinks like that so I told him to fuck off to his own country. He ‘replied’ I was rascist and thought my ideas were superior because I think white people have superior ideas. “Well, yes, I do think that the idea of not raping people is superior to raping them so repeat: fuck off you sick mind. And ooh, no, that has got NOTHING to do with you being black. Only and only with your sick mind and sick ideas. And by the way: everybody here dresses in 1 minute, you are the ONLY one here who stands in your bare chest showing off for at least 3, if not 5 minutes. No matter the temperature. So you might want to look into your own double standards first before you start raping others.”

Ghegheghe, ever since he dresses in 2 seconds. I told my boss he was getting on my nerves and I gave her the reason. I don’t think that conversations like that should go unmentioned. Personally I would fire him straight away for threathening. Not sure what the boss made of it, she did make some snide comments to him on changing her attire because she would not want to trigger him into having to rape her. Not sure if she was making light of the situation or that being as nasty as I could have put it. Male collegues said I should not ‘take the bait’ and ‘let him talk, he’s all talk’. Which is wise, probably wiser than my feelings of wanting to cut his balls off. :-/ I guess I scared the male collegues with the fierceness of my reply. They were saying things to him like “You muslim extremist! What’s next? Women should cover their hair, ooh, why not wear a jabala!” Btw, he’s not a muslim extremist, he’s some christian extremist, funny enough in a relation with a Jewish women. Who haha, pays his bills. That must hurt. I appreciate that thought very much. ๐Ÿ˜€ That’s what my male collegue said afterwards: “Don’t lose your energy on this, he’s a loser and feeling it. He’s got all this big, big ideas and finds himself here and is disappointed about it.”

“There is nothing wrong with being here and there is nothing ‘loser’ about it but yes, he’s taking his stuff out on others, not sure why he is trying me though.”

“Just don’t react, he’s not worth it.”

The other days when he tried talking about it again he was blocked by the guys who shut him up.

So yes, it was unsettling, arguing with him left got me almost litterally fired up wishing I could beat the crap out of him. Guessing the subject of these weeks has been ‘aggression’.

Aggression…. aggression comes around when things fall apart, I get scared and need aggression to hold together all the pieces that just went floating about. Obviously, with my background this is a pretty heavy trigger. And not trusting that my collegues would step in made it worse. They did, but only after a while when they had enough of it all. I guess they had not seen that side of me yet.

When thinking about it now I think that it is my karma to deal with issues like this. Disclaimer: please note what I am about to say is my own personal belief on how I think things work in MY life and it must not be misunderstood for me blaming any victim of anything in any way.

I think that the subject of sex and aggression combined, as in abuse e.g. are energetically laden thingies that I carry with me because I have not dealt with them. As long as I carry these with me, people who have a trigger there will attract to me, in a good or a bad way. I think he has a trigger there as well. He keeps on ranting about ‘homo’s’ and how ‘they force themselves on anybody’. Utter nonsense in my idea and I have, again, in a very direct way told him, well, I can be nice about it but I actually tell him in so many different words to keep his stupid mouth shut. Always finishing with “Seeing you are black I would assume you know what it is to be discriminated against.”

If nobody speaks up when somebody says something discrimanatory, one might think we / I agree.

Aggression. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Guessing, guessing it can only come up now I feel more secure in my job. And, not very proud of it but I am thinking this is how I tend to (want to) clean out the nest. Sort of a cuckoo’s mentality. I’ve seen in with people coming into a new department, it takes them a while but indeed, after 3 or 4 months they start to disagree with their place in the social ladder and try to throw others out of the nest. Well, obviously I think I have been given EVERY reason. And obviously, lacking female collegues with an outspoken character this focusses on the males and haha, obviously that must be sex related in a very bad way. It is all so logical and still I get sucked into it every time and time again. Well, not every time. Day after we had this ‘conversation’ on women who should be raped he tried to get the subject going again. Male collegues stopped him and I succesfully did not hear anything he said.

I finished of dissin’ him with being utterly normal to him afterwards, doing whatever I would do other days as well. I sort of compartmentalized it. Took me a few days to succesfully cut the threads but there it is: a stand alone situation I can look at from a lot of sides, sort of walk around.

Did I tell you my word of the year is Awareness? And obviously everything goes unaware ever since. Well, again:

‘The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.’

And that is how it seems to work with experiences with me: I tend to want to, need to take it to an absolute rock-bottom before I can do something about it. I ate myself through a kilo of dates in 1 week. Not good. Does not make me as sick, chocolate now does, obviously ‘tried’ it again the other day. And, again, obviously found that I can either do without or go all in.

Awareness: my definition of it is finding the place which notices how I feel, how I react. That place which is not connected to those feelings but sees them as ‘happening’. It feels like a pretty safe place. Not sure if I disassociate or ‘become aware’. They don’t tell you that in the yoga book. ๐Ÿ˜€

So, I think I got my model of me worked out: in the core there is Awareness. (Edit of later date: in the core there is Self and Self can be Aware, Self has a body etc.) Awareness has a body, the body has a mind and feelings. The mind is for thinking and working daily stuff out. The feelings are for succesful living and helping people on their path naturally by resulting in happiness when people take the sustainable path and misery when we take the unsustainable path. The body also has an energy system which I am not sure how it is coupled to Awareness/Self or to the body. I have the idea it is a communication system. Feelings is energy flowing with a certain force in a direction or stagnating, or hiding, retracting, going out, breaking into pieces, holding together, pushing, pulling – all these terms I believe which come from the bio-energetics direction of the natural healing possibilities. When there are unprocessed feelings about situation then the energy is very active in a certain domain – therewith drawing attention to that domain from the person and others. Running into shit because of that = karma. Karma is not a punishment, karma is a natural result of the way Nature has set us up with our energetic system. Health = energy flowing, being flexible, logically applied in a healthy way and amount. All other => unhappiness and I am thinking even physical illness.

I think the aware part is the part that carries over to other lives, if there is such a thing. I also think that getting to go to that aware part makes it easier to deal with life. But haha, that is where things get messy for me; the addict within DOES NOT WANT AWARENESS! He (yeah, he’s obviously a he… denial is big :-D) wants to not feel.

“Why don’t you want to feel?”
“Because it hurts.”
‘What hurts?”
“That is sad. Could I help you in any way?”
“It hurts! You come help me one day and the next you will leave me anyhow. Again!”
“Is that what you think?”
“Would you believe me if I promised I will not leave?”
“Why not?”
“Because you will! You have been here and we have had this talk before and you have left and not come back. You are not trustworthy!”
“You are right. I am sorry but I also know that is a sort of empty sorry because I do not think I can change it easily. I don’t want to come here because you hurt and I don’t know what to do. Who are you, anyway?”
“I am hurt.”
“I am hurt, you left me because I was hurt. You leave me because I hurt you, you say. You don’t really want to speak with me because I hurt you and tire you out.”
“I am very sorry to say, I really want to help you but not at cost of me. How come you live within me”
“I am the pieces you don’t want.”
“You are pieces of me?”
“Well, yes, sort of. You don’t like me so you put me in this cellar and make me not exist but technically I am part of you too.” (edit of later date: here I felt like there was integration starting to happen where the part in the cellar started using ‘my’ type of language with the intruduction of ‘technically’)
“I mean, if you hurt, why don’t I throw you out?”
“That is not how it works, because you are me. You have done a lot to chuck me out, flush me out with drinking. Netflix me away, eat me away, fall in love, create financial drama, create health drama – all to not feel me.”
“So, well, you look pretty much ok to me. What is it that you are hiding?”
“That is funny, you fear more child abuse experiences, but it are not those experiences that you put here. These are different ones. Ones to do with pride, with humility, with not accepting your limits as a human. This last piece of incarnation you speak about, the answer is here. You just have to go through the process of letting go of your pride, of the thought that you need to be special. Accept humility as a place to live from, not as a thing you have to go through because others are mean. That is not humility, that was humiliating but it is not humility. You need to learn service otherwise you will keep on throwing sand in the mechanics of time and energy. You need to learn to not force your way. Keep in touch with awareness when you walk through life so you can see easier what is real and belongs on your path and what is a distraction. You think it is difficult, but it is just the natural way and you can learn it. Practise it. Go to the neutral space, look at the emotions running through your body, look how you tend to want to live in the mixed up state of them just to be not aware. Just to not have to do that last bit of your incarnation; realising this is TRUTH, this is what it is. No! Not ‘how special you will be when you can be more aware than others!’ YOUR PATH IS YOUR PATH – NO COMPARISSON IS CALLED FOR. And yes, that is very fucking lonely. But that is not important either.”

I notice when in that place, I feel ‘things’ the addictive feelings drop away and it feels as lonely as the first day without cigarets or beer. So again, this is where I need to maintain connection to me.

I also realise that I am very tired so I’m off to bed. No spell check. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit. Can’t imagine anymore how it was to be drinking. Which I guess, in itself is a dangerous state. Sounds like a trap. Next thought would be: might try one, just to see what it was like. Not going there. Ha, going to bed. That is wawwlhwd. ๐Ÿ˜€

I also realise now that my body is not content with my eating habits. Ate cheap cheese on crackers this evening, my hands are swelling up like crazy. Must contain something funny. Did I say I’m off to bed? Wishing you a nice night/day/weekend. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

Clashing patterns

Wow! I/We did something wonderful! The friend (hi!) I did not spend Christmas with and I spoke about what had happened. That was a very intense but clarifying (phone) conversation. Works out that both of us were playing out our patterns simultaneously. As a result we both spend a miserable lonely Christmas because we did not speak our minds, stepped into a ‘You see, they don’t love me’ pattern and it went downhill from there.

The conversation left me at peace and partially shattered from realising how strong these destructive patterns are. But it was good. I’m thinking the dust still needs to settle a little inside me because the concept of showing the dark parts of my heart after feeling hurt is still new. BUT I DID IT!!!! Yeah!

Whenever I feel mistreated by somebody I either tell them straight away or… when things really touch the soft places I go into hiding and disconnect immediately. I am pretty good at disconnecting. From one second to the other I decided never to see my father again and I (almost) never looked back. I am…. starting to see that this is a little bit strange. I guess this ‘skill’ of disconnecting did help me with alcohol. So it is not all bad, but still, it needs looking into.

The book ‘Puer Aeternus’ which covers the depth psychological aspects of people with the ‘Forever Young’ or ‘Peter Pan’ complex says exactly this about the PA; cutting off relations with the easy of turning of a tab. They add that the PA does not fully address issues in a relation and then ‘just’ cuts it off in an overdose of decision-making hormones. Well, I am glad this has worked for me with alcohol. I think start to understand that it is not how I want to deal with people. I want to be clear while dealing with people, no hidden agenda’s or corrupt intentions, so I do not want to leave people in the dark on how I am. (Might need to work out how this does not work at the workspace yet.)

I do realise this disconnecting thing might sound very autisticย to some (most?) (ALL?!) of you. When I read it back it reads so lonely to me, so, like I do not only remove that which hurts from my environment but also cut off me. And I had never realised that. Yes, yes, and again that is a very self-centred argumentation. So, food for thought and feel.

Work is getting serious. I’ve visited the dentist and he stuffed me with this painkiller and blegh, even after 4 days my jaw is still stiff and painful from the treatment. I start to dislike dentists for a whole different reason; being disrespectful. I knew I was walking in the ‘wrong’ ‘stream’ but lying in that chair informed me of that very well. The dentist started off with saying: “I will start now, if you experience anything or want to stop for whatever reason, does not have to be big, just raise your left hand and I will stop immediately, no questions asked.”

So he started and at some point I raised my hand because something he did hurt unnecessarily in a place where I was not anaesthetised and he growled; “Not now, I’m busy.” I felt 4, 8, 12 years old all over again. Patterns, patterns, patters. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Just another reason extra to deal with my chocolate addiction. Well, back to work: my head is vague because of the things I was thinking of and because of the painkiller. So I made some mistakes that were, well, pretty stupid. One of the guys, he’s the youngest and ‘lowest in rank’ in his henhouse version of the company tried taking it out on me. That was uncomfortable.

I had this awful feeling like he thought he could throw me about because I am the newest and I’m guessing me being female has something to do with it. He’s one of the guys with 1 wife and a girlfriend. Luckily I knew very well what to say to him and did not get skitterish even though he kept on trying to push me about. The other day he pushed me away from a new job somebody was teaching me and he send me on a stupid cleaning job because I ‘was too slow and he would fix it all in no time’. Works out the next day that he only did half of the to do list leaving his colleaguesโ€™ to have to fetch things in a hurry to catch up. Yes, well, that is how I can do stuff quickly too. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

It seems that things are entering a new phase and politics are becoming important. It is funny to notice how the atmosphere of the work floor changes with people being present or absent. Every team combination has its own feel and work speed and issues. Unbalance or even the tiniest discord in the team, which is present, spoken or silent, causes mistakes and slows down the process. A workload of say a 1000 pieces can be done easily and in no time by the one team and takes 1 extra hour and a lot of effort in the other team. So no, I’m not bored yet. ๐Ÿ™‚ And I will be working 4 days a week from now on with one series of 3 days in a row. See how that turns out.

Yesterday I went to see the bookstore man. He’s very much in love with this ideal women and I got uncomfortable listening to it. Not so much because he was confidingย in me (making things clear?) but because I notice that me being in love with him corrupts me. The other week I noticed that I backed away from speaking my heart and mind because I did not want to inform him that I was still in love with him. Yesterday I did not want to have that in the way anymore so I told him that I was, at times, still very much in love with him. He was sort of surprised, or polite enough to act surprised, not sure. He asked “But is it not very difficult for you to listen to me speaking about X?” I replied that being happy for him and sad for me are different things. This, at that moment was true. Looking back I’m thinking ‘I should get a medal for that martyr dom.’ (insert derisive swearword) ๐Ÿ˜ฆย  And…. because I don’t want to sound (or be?) jealous, I do not speak my mind and tell him about transfer addiction and how falling in love with him worked as another ‘go to’ place when booze was absent. I realise now that if we would have been friends I would have informed him of that. I would also inform him of the signs I see in her behaviour that makes me think he has, again, found himself another abusive, men-eating witch.

So yes, I am corrupted and I do not like it. I’m thinking of writing it all out. See where it ends up. I want to get on with my life, get that part back that is trying to deal with this while not actually dealing with it. I also told him that being in love for me did not feel like ‘voluntary’ and that I knew very well that, apart from him not being interested, I ‘can not afford him.’ We also spoke about friendship, he mentioned friendship. I blurted “I do not experience friendship from you, what we have has been very one-sided from the start.” At which he replied that he felt he could not open up because he knew I was in love with him. Fair enough.

So what do I want? I want this being in love, this desire to be elsewhere with somebody else, to not be me in my own miserable life… Ha, I wanted to write that I want this being in love to go away but if that means dealing with my own misery… Not sure if I can. Thinking finances immediately.

The other day the bookstore man said that I was the only one who had not deserted him. Yes, yes, he has some connection to pitying himself. But well, everybody is allowed to feel sorry for themselves, it’s just not very attractive to live there but for the rest it is all ok to me. For those who do not understand this, because feeling sorry for yourself is a BIG taboo: it is about projection. If I can not stand the other to feel sorry for themselves it means that I have issues with my own moaning underdog and project the fear and anger that it builds onto the other. However, I got a medal for martyrdom but it was only a bronze one so ha, he should not overdo it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

And I was not sure how I felt about it. I felt corrupt because being in love is not about him, it is about me and in that I am just another so many-est person in the list of people who want a piece of him. He is surrounded by energetic vultures, no wonder he is so tired. And no wonder he smokes. And no wonder he can not set any boundaries. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ All this I would explain him, confirm his thoughts and feelings of being sucked dry by some people but I have become corrupt and would need to say that I feel I should be in that list too because I too want a part of him. And please don’t take that the wrong way.

And next, well, I don’t want to think into the future because that is not there but if I were to: I would want him to quit smoking. So actually I say: I like you, but not as you are dealing with your life right now. But I’m thinking I would have received that differently at those times.

I’m on the verge of needing to make a choice for myself. Let go of the one and step into the new. Let go of the non constructive, evasive addiction called being in love and step into the next level of reality. Oooh shit I so don’t want to go there. Next level reality is getting my finances in order. Again. And I feel I can’t. Shit it scares me. For me finances symbolise the incarnation in the world, the realisation I can die, the really being a grown up, the ‘party time is over’ feeling. Wild horses could not drag me there.

It must be very unsatisfying to be a psychiatrist, or to even read this post as a reader. Hoping I would FINALLY get the point, stop with boring you with bsm posts. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Thing is, I don’t dare to do my finances, it builds so much anxiety in me that I go look for the release valve and this is called bsm. Not DMT, MDMA, C2H6O,ย  C12H22O11 or LSD, just the bsm. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

And then there is this thought ‘I can’t do my finances. I can’t do my finances. I am an utter failure. I am an utter failure because I can’t do my finances.’ But NOWHERE in this destructive self talk there is even a hint of an option that could whisper ‘Why not ask your SIL to help you again?’

Well, obviously there was because otherwise I could not think of it now but yes, I keep on thinking that I need to do things alone, partially because I feel so ashamed about not being able to deal that I don’t dare to ask for help. And partially because the other day I hinted at my SIL that I was not looking forward to dealing with stuff and she answered ‘But we drew up that Excel sheet, did we not?’ As if that was the most logical thing to do; be scared of finances for 40 years and learn to deal with this overwhelming, killing fear in one afternoon drawing up a sheet?

And… back to feeling stupid. ‘We drew up the sheet and I still can not deal. :-(‘. What’s keeping me from just telling her that I can not? I feel ashamed and there is something else. I do not want to step down. I would feel humiliated. So that would be pride, not? Dutch swear with diseases. The most appropriate reply to this attitude would be ‘well, you choke on it.’ and leave people be. Let them sink until they need to call for help.

The weather is beautiful here. Which really worries me because nature starts to think it is spring and it is not. Winter still needs to come. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ But I think I should set aside my confusion over the weather and go outside, catch some sunlight.

I am happy that I quit. I’m not at all there where I think I should be but (insert swear word) I would be sooooo lost, well, not alive if I had kept on drinking. The other day I was wondering: I keep on walking around in this ‘ooh difficult this, ooh, hard that, oooh, can’t do such and the bsm still does not see the light shine out of my ass, aah, bothersome…’ But when I do my awareness practice, like go to that inside place where emotions are ‘things flying’ and ‘information’ instead of overwhelming then nothing is particularly wrong and I wonder why I do not focus more on happy things. I mean, sooooo typical that Kali would be the first of the gods to drop by. Why not Eros, Kamadeva or Ganesha ? And no, I don’t just list these out of the top of my head. Looking for a god? Use Wikipedia.

Maybe, maybe I should go back to being really happy that I quit instead of I-am-sort-of-getting-used-to-having-quit-right-now-type-of-happy.

Ooh, I did not celebrate NY eve, did not feel like going to parties. Guess this is the one party I do not like sober. Not so much because I want to drink, more because I would like others to drink less andย take better care. Also, I had invited the bookstore man, who had left it pending but both he and I did not feel like continuing that invite after I had spoken about being in love. It just did not feel good; I would not know how to deal. My home has become a sanctuary where I can go and leave the world behind. Restore from difficult work/bsm days. I am happy that I quit because had I not I would have sobbed and moaned and drunk like crazy and feel real bad today. ๐Ÿ™‚ And now I am just a tiny little bit further into discovering how to let go of love addiction.

There is nothing wrong with love. There is a whole lot wrong with seeing the other as a solution, as a ‘fix me’ thing. I don’t want that for myself, I don’t want the other to have to have that function. It is not clean and it corrupts me and makes communication unclear. I don’t want that.

I have learned one thing from addiction, gheghe, I was thinking of a big statement but if I were to say one thing about addiction here it is: Addiction is not good.

Wwawwlhd? She would take a shower, get dressed, stop pushing herself to be something she can not be, ask for help, go catch some sun, write the bsm a letter in order to find out if there is more information about what keeps me hooked in an imagined contact with him. Start meditating and read instead of Netflix. Ooh (insert swear word), just discovered Dr Who. Haha, don’t even want to finish this post now with being reminded of that.

3 Things: first, the bookstore man, for teach me all these things and being mild. He actually said he was honoured that I was in love with him. And without using a comma or a point continued to say that he was not in love with me. That is ok. I would be in all kinds of trouble if he was. Second: I dreamt of meeting two women, a mother and daughter. NEW! No asshole twenty something guy despising me but two wise women! ๐Ÿ™‚ They were sitting at a ‘wall’, a sort of heightened area between two meadows with trees. They were meditating in the shades of trees and having a good time. I joined (NEW!) and we spoke, they were very much at peace and I enquired after their practice. They informed me that becoming aware had changed their life and hahah, that if I had difficulty with that, I could set my egg-timer to remind me. ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

Ok, had a shower, cried my eyes out. My heart hurts but I don’t know how to stop it. There is something I don’t understand but I don’t know what. Called upon Kali to destruct all the addictive ties to the bsm but I guess that is not how it works. Or maybe it is and I just have to sit with it a little longer. ‘I can only show you what is. You have to do the work yourself.’

I realised that my idea of relation includes ‘being safe’, ‘feeling that I belong’, ‘feeling valued’ and ‘being loved’. And I wondered why I can not experience that in the life I have now? Why does it have to be exclusive? Why does it have to come from the outside? Why does it have to be a man who I can ‘have for myself’? The more I discover about myself, the less satisfied, for lack of another word, I am with a lot of the friendship relations I am in. Specifically when I am in a mode as I am today, trying to sort things out. There are only a few people I can speak with heart to heart on the strange, difficult aspects of life and development in sobriety. The bookstore man is one of them. So sorting this out and not ruining what could be a good friendship with infatuation is important but I think I don’t want to learn what I have to learn. I don’t want to experience the NO. I want to have unlimited access to what I think I need.

Hmmm, I wonder what Melanie Klein has to say about that :-D. Babies, children, feel unsafe when the mother is not around; they want and expect unlimited access. When the mother is unable to provide or refuses that the child needs to deal with that as being denied that what keeps him/her alive. I’m walking the same path so somehow he is what makes me feel alive. No wonder I don’t want to give up. I used to feel that alcohol was what made it possible for me to ‘do life’.

Thinking about this, if I were somebody else reading this post I would be fascinated with how these concepts or, possibly the ‘I am not the only one person in the world’ realisation and hearing ‘NO’ and addiction combine together. And how trying to fix things from the outside continues to be a go to place even when alcohol is not present anymore. How this addictive personality just sidesteps the development of the soul and haha, takes on another addiction. You! Save! Me! Imagine the place I would be in if he had said yes. Ghegheghe…. oooh, so not good. Which is another, well, rather selfish reason, to appreciate his company. I learn how I deal with Man. Not very constructive. Rather ego centric. Very much one sided. Not taking the other into account. Reactionary. Well. Sorry. Again. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I should meditate on it. Writing does not do the trick anymore. Or maybe you have a tip on where I am stuck in this and how to deal?

On discipline: good, still developing, workspace is a good learning place, specifically because I don’t have a position of any importance so I can’t really ‘go’ any other place or make up stuff that makes me not do what I need to do.

Something NEW I did notice; I do not have imaginary conversations in my head anymore with people. Not the ‘I should have said this and then he would have said that and next time I see them I will say … blablabla’ I’m guessing it has been gone for a long long time now. I can remember thinking about it in early, early sobriety where practicing not to jump into the future and be scared that I could not drink there and then was important. So I also stopped jumping into the future with conversations too. I only realised that when I overheard 2 teenagers standing in line at a bus stop.

And for something even more totally different: I realise more and more that my awareness takes my inner world as serious as the outer world. So when I am in a paddock while dreaming, my awareness takes that seriously. While I ‘know’ that I am or was just (?) dreaming. That switch at waking up where from one second I’m in a paddock and the other I’m in bed. I find it very fascinating. It feels like there is some learning to be done in that process of that shift of perception. Let’s see.

I want: to sort things out. To have a lot of time between now and dying to learn to deal with life.

I take: Ayurvedic pills very irregularly. Some Schuessler salts to deal with the tooth ache I have since the dentist ‘fixed’ it. It’s not helping, or maybe it is and maybe the pain would be worse otherwise. My boss laughed at me for taking some stuff during lunchtime. But another colleague has been absent for 3 days because he went to the dentist and got a real bad cold out of the blue directly afterwards.

Wishing you all a beautiful and sober 2016, may the cravings be gone, may brutal honesty save you from deception, may continuous self-care help you through the dark patches, may love of self develop, may you learn how to recognise transferred addictions, may you learn to ask for help and trust people, may the addictive personality be dissolved nicely, may there be people on your path to help you, may you continue to learn how Life works and may the Universe smile at you. โค

xx, Feeling