Now there is some beautiful synchronicity going on in sober blog land. I feel it happens a lot but I found this one very remarkable. Unpickled put up a beautiful post on unwinding without booze here. And the Tom Waits quote that accompanies it is exactly the message I got from the rehab guy who visited my dream last night.
Tom Waits: ‘How you do anything is how you do everything.’
Where 2 days ago I said I don’t don anything with dreaming I suddenly got curious last night. Before I went to sleep I asked for a dream which would show me what my status of sobriety was / how I could develop myself in sobriety and there were 2 dreams.
The first was one where I drove off with my grandmother to bring her home and because I felt responsible for her and also because we were having a good time I ignored all the signs from the outside world on messages of war. There was also a neccessity to me driving because the rest of the family had been drinking. While leaving my parental house I saw jets flying by and one circling back to get us. I pushed my grandmother out of the car, told her to hide and continued my way because if I would leave the car at that same place we would both be death.
A few hundred meters I put the car on auto pilot (what is that called?) and jumped out into a ditch as well, realising that I should have done that earlier because the pilot had seen me. The first rocket hit the car and then the jet circled around to fire at me with an automatic something weapon. He missed and left. I realised that I had not, second by second, minute by minute been taking care of myself by reading the signs of the outside world because I did not feel like it. While (in my dream) it was actually known that cars would be bombed.
So because I was having a good time and not paying attention I almost got killed. Yes, yes, that would be quite dramatic but I guess would I return to alcohol I would not be far off, would I?
Secondly was a dream where I went into rehab to learn stuff I had not learned on my own and weird, weird, weird rehab guy thought we should detox from EVERYTHING so when I said I was not on anything but sugar he injected me with anything and everything druglike – but sugar. Saying ‘How you deal with this will show you how you deal with sobriety.’
How is that for synchronising with Tom Waits? 🙂 And shit it was awfull, it combined years of drunk nauseous spinning in bed together. And funny, funny, funny, he played me and fired up my vanity and my need to be seen by saying; ‘I will show you how we do this here while taking Feeling as an example because she has most sober experience and is doing really well.’ Which is why I did not protest against this methode.
I felt how I wanted to let go and get lost in the drugscocktail to not ever come back to serious living. And then I caught myself and hung on to my consciousness and tried to center myself ‘through the middle’ of my body, keeping in touch with my spine. I was laying down. During this practise of not losing myself the rehab guy was telling the other girls what was happening and commenting saying things like; “You see here she wants to let go but she realises that she can not do that without getting addicted and she has learned that not getting addicted is easier than detoxing. So that is good. But see how she would love to just leave? She is hanging in there, this is her responsibility on earth. She knows that but still she is not doing the full excercise. If she was she would not be nausseaous and the poison would just leave her body without it touching or affecting her. So there is still a step she has to make. ”
I guess, in the dreamworld it would be very true that I would not be sick from the drugs. I felt I had the power and I did not want to take it because shit that requires organisation I don’t want to do.
So that is that state of my sobriety. It allignes beautifully with the Puer Aeternus book I am reading (from Marie Louise von Franz) – it is a solid explanation of Carl Jung’s depth psychology insights on well, people with a Peter Pan character like I have. Can’t adult, please don’t make me adult. I’m only 11 pages into the book and it is all about males, and Jung has a big differentiation between male and female psychology so I’m guessing there will be some other part on the female reaction to this but for now I recognise a lot of the Puer Aeternus in me and it is not comfortable. 😦
I am happy that I quit. Obviously something in me thinks it is time for another step; getting organised, incarnating fully. Ooh, Jung’s ‘solution’ to the Puer Aeternus was ‘work’. Which I guess is what I am doing with my tiny job and focussing on getting my clear head back again. It is funny how all the puzzle pieces of life seem to come together now I let go of thinking that I can control stuff. And even though I have this tiny job where I do simple things I find it difficult enough to actually organise my live again in a new way. When I look at my bank account and house and well, being single and overweight and well, what have you (I!) I feel sad. But when I practise compassion I know that I am EXACTLY where I need to be and learning what I should. Now with the message to take it a little more serious too. 🙂 Ooh shit. 😦 I sooooo don’t want to take that extra step.
Yeah, I’m going to ask for a dream to show me what would be good / better in my life if I were to take that next step. 🙂 That is a good idea. 🙂 Let’s see if it works. 🙂
For those of you thinking is is all a load of BS; it might be. But when I asked a dream and then do not take the dream seriously I do not think I will get an answer the next time I knock on my (sub?)conciousness or whatever place that dream came from. And yes, I am easy to influence, so when I read a book I take the information in on, not sure how to explain what goes on, but on energetic or ‘cell’ level as I call it so when reading I live in the (energetic?) world of the writer. If a book can’t make me do that I take on the arrogant idea that it is not a good book, or not timed well. 🙂 So I am not at all surprised that I asked and got an answer.
Look and you shall find.
Knock and you shall be opened.
Ask and you shall be given.
I take: Ayurvedic pills and some Schuessler cell salts against the heart palpatations I had the other day. I need to start to take care of me again seriously because I would really like to move my arm normally and start doing some yoga to excersise some muscles which I could benefit from at my work. But, ha, as the dream says, I don’t. Maybe I should do yoga and maybe that will improve my arm. Gehgehgeghe…. maybe it is a same thing with not drinking: if my life improves I can stop drinking or…. if I stop drinking my life will improve. So why don’t I try? Hmmm? Because I don’t go that extra mile.
Wwawwlhd? She would finish this post and go make some soup.
3 Things: my dreams, the post from Unpickled which stressed the importance of it, I was on the verge of wanting to not write and not think about all of this. And the Puer Aeternus book which might actually have the answer in it to the question why I think I am not fully incarnated in this life. Let’s see. It is eh, very uncomfortable but I can’t go asking for answers and then spitting them in the mouth can I?
On discipline: guess my dreams just told me I need to up it a little. Oooh… sigh…. I don’t want to adult.
Well, here I go. Wish me luck. 🙂