The issue of issues

My fight with sugar has brought me to what I feel is the main issue of my addictive personality; self-hatred. I feel so awful that I have difficulty leaving the house because I feel everybody has the right to hurt me. This is comparable to the mode I walked around when experiencing what I call my rock-bottom before quitting drinking.

A lot of my behaviour is comparable too. Not opening my mail, not taking care of stuff, not taking care of myself. Hiding for other people. Cancelling appointments with friends over a ‘headache’. The headache is real all right… I just wonder why it leaves immediately after I cancel the appointment. No actually, I do not wonder.

I think that I, even though I have 3 years plus of sobriety, have not made certain steps. Haha, no pun intended but actually, this is what it comes down to: I have not worked through issues which would have been addressed if I had done some sort of program. I think to know by now that I would not have succeeded in staying sober if I would have had to deal with others including mentoring. So in a way that is good. But now I feel I need to do more. It is time to do more.

On the interwebs I read somebody protesting against the idea of being powerless towards alcohol. I have always very much disliked this notion and in a rather slippery way transformed this thought to ‘I am powerless when alcohol is in my body, I am not powerless over it getting into my body’. Which is very much true. It also is a way for me to exactly NOT realise that I have experienced powerlessness in my life and I do not want to be reminded of that again. People who push the issue of powerlessness therefore are immediately archenemies. Because that is what any person did who violated my boundaries; make me feel powerless on purpose. So 12 steps was never considered.

Not sure how to bridge to the following paragraph but I have written illogical stories before so here I go. 😉 Today I FINALLY tried an excercise called ‘feeding your demons‘. The title might be a little misleading, it is about feeding and, well, hugging lost parts of the self which have turned against what we consider to be our daily self. Aah, here is the link: I felt so powerless that I stood with the back to the wall and could not do anything else but face the facts.

It is difficult. I do not want to accept I hate myself. I prefer to deny it so I can experience it less. But the shadow walking next to me has become too strong. Even now my heart is pounding like crazy and tears are streaming. Thinking of you reading this. Feeling like you would all be saying: “I knew she was not worth it. Being all stuck up and know it all, ha! Now look at how miserable she really is.”

No, I do not expect you to really say that. Or if you do, you do. These are ‘just’ projections of mine. It tells me how I think and feel about myself. I had a short talk with that part today. Here is how it went.

“I hate you! I HATE YOU!!! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING FOR ME!!! My whole life! Ever since you were born I hate you. You are exactly what makes my life unbearable. You are so unfinished, so incomplete, so utterly boundaryless, so disgustingly physical that NOBODY LOVES YOU! And because of you they do not like me either!!! I HATE YOU!! You are one big open wound, everybody sees that you are strange and everything can touch you and hurt you and I have to live with that! It is all your fault!”

“I am listening.” (and crying, can’t breathe, throwing up)

“You think everybody has hurt you but it is because you are so stupid!!! You do not listen to yourself!!! You always knew when the trouble came and you never listened. It is your own fault!!! You hurt me!!!”

“I had no clue….”

“That is NOT TRUE!!!”

“I, I don’t know what to say, I always knew. But I did not know how to act. I was scared. I thought that if I stood up for myself they would hurt me more. I knew that if I would run they would like that.”

“But you knew up front. And you were curious.”

“I was in love.”

“You mixed up love with power. You fancied the darkness of them, that is what attracted you.”

“Yes. And then I got caught up in a destructive game which I did not know how to end or escape.”

“I warned you over and over again.”

“I heard you. I did not believe it. I did not want to believe it was this dark.”

“You are stupid. You just emit sex because that is who you are and everybody knows that. They see it, they feel it. That is why you got harassed 5 times on an evening. That is why the women at your workplaces were after you. They pick up on that. And because you do not recognise it they will make you.”

“What can I do to change this?”

“Close yourself off for fuck’s sake and shut up!!”

And then the ‘other me’ let me feel my lack of energetic boundaries to the outside world and it is painful. Somehow my control issue popped up, the part where I intervene in other people’s life no matter if something is my issue, no matter if it is relevant. Tried to feel through that. It is difficult. I realise that I do so to control my surroundings. Again experiencing that I put myself out of my core, continuously scanning my borders for dangers. While if I were to stay ‘inside’ myself, I would feel way more grounded and most likely would not have to be so aggressive and intervening towards others.

I did not get further than this. The idea behind feeding your demons is that you get to talk with them and then come to integrate them. Obviously that did not happen but I now know better what parts of me dislike about parts of me. 😦 I am still fighting the idea that I myself am responsible for what happened to me. Not sure if I should go along with this thought; if it were somebody else saying this I would answer that it is blaming the victim. On the other hand, I should not deny the fact that I often knew upfront things would go wrong. I ‘just’ got so sucked into it and did not know how to refers it. It is like a black hole. Aaah, like being born; nowhere to go but into that painful tunnel of life and death.

Like the time my brother and I got threatened to be killed by a guy with a knife. I was 4 or 5 I believe. I knew from a distance which felt like 500m (550 yard) that these older kids were trouble. I just did not know how to stop it. Sucked into a black hole. And my brother would not believe me anyhow. Looking back the distance must have been no more than 200 m (220 yards) because the park was not that big, but still. These vibes. I was like a rabbit looking in the headlights of the oncoming car. Does anybody with situations of abuse/aggression in their past recognise this?

I wonder why the word ‘just’ pops up so often… there is something about this, I have written something about it somewhere, it is important. It might be because it is dismissive, or in speech I try to jump over something by using the word ‘just’. I can not understand it now.

Things are sore at this end of the wire. My whole body feels like an open wound. But somehow some of the weight is off my shoulders. Funny.  I would not have thought that. Parts of the first paragraph of my conversation with the demon are gathered from things my mother expressed to me. She did so publicly. My father then dragged him away and she scratched his face open. All my fault. She blamed me for developing cancer. I must have been 13 or 14, possibly 15. My heart hurts. Years later, when I threw that back at here in the same company as earlier she denied everything fiercely while my brother and father backed me up. She totally panicked. I remember we had all been drinking, not sure if that is true. It has been true for a lot of bad family gatherings though.

And now, here I am, partially feeling sorry for myself, partially happy because I faced this part of me, let some air in even though I realise things are still festering. Not knowing how to continue. Well, ha, I do know how to close myself off actually. Or I know I can learn because I know I can get to the feeling where I prefer to live in this openness. I ‘just’ don’t want to. I feel locked up. Trapped. It makes me realise I am alive. I don’t want to be alive. When I am alive I need to be responsible and I can get hurt and criticised. Shit I’m lazy…. This eternal heaven of being in the womb calls to me.

Ok next thought: I try to perfect my work mode so I do not have to work on me internally. I ‘just’ (?) forced myself to live with the idea of working on this difficult part of closing myself energetically and guess what: “If you want to do that, that is ok, but then we move to a place where this is possible.” Meaning a natural place in a natural society with… nature, not a crowded city which only develops neuroses  and unhealthy coping mechanisms in people. Interesting. Funny what comes up when I listen. Not sure how to change this in my life though.

Well, that was quite an experience.

The business plan contest people do not pick up the phone (called about 8 times) and do not answer my e-mails. According to the online program the first group of possible winners has already started a boot camp so I guess… I’m not in. Shame. Possibly. I have not been working on my project or anything these days. I have been crushed by self-hatred. The issue of issues. 😦

I am happy that I quit drinking in a very dark way. I would not have lived anymore. Not sure if that is such a loss but imagine if I had been drinking and felt so bad there would be no way out at all. Currently I also think there is not much difference between being death and alive. I fear that dying just (?) means I have to do the same stuff somewhere else, but without the body.  Aah, bother. And now, no matter how hard it is, I could possibly find a ‘way out’. 🙂 Said the addict. Always, always looking for the way out. 🙂

It is time for progress because this trampling in the dark is making my heart wear out.

I hope you are happy that you quit. 🙂  A woman who loves herself would possibly show compassion. I also think she would help the little kid to learn boundaries and self-preservation. My mother did not allow me boundaries when it came to self preservation. Literally not. That time where she said she would protect me from the friends of my brother and then forced me to undress in front of them. And later, when I asked her for help when they attacked me again, with the special words we had worked out between the two of us, she brushed me off, telling me not to bother her. How do I live with that? I feel very destructive currently. No wonder I think people ridicule me when I ask for help. That has been the real experience. And it has all settled as patterns in my behaviour. And, like my mom, I learned to take the only way left out: becoming ill, becoming soft, weak, depressed, overworked and alcoholic. Patterns.

Ha, this is a very uplifting post, not? Ghegheghe…. sigh…. so….. who am I without my story? Without all the patterns I looked for, accepted or got put on me? This immense need for drama, the eternal continuation of fight-flight-freeze patterns in my life. Can I do without? I’m guessing they give me an idea of boundaries. The fog around the black hole. Which, in practise is not possible but, well, as an image it suffices.

Ok: I actually do think that patterns and the related e-motions (that what sets me in motion) have been uncovered. And no matter how dark this post, actually, within that darkness I feel more free and more safe because I do not need to live in denial about my self hate anymore. I do not have to use all this force to ‘not know’. Not sure how to continue but I guess thing will enfold. Let go and let god. 🙂 And work on what I can do. Like meditating. I have been doing so for 20 plus minutes every morning for 1,5 months now. Guess all this darkness turning to light stems from that.

There ar loads of things I can do. Trying to empower myself here, never works somehow 😀 Aah ja, again, I can only do stuff with my back to the wall. Well, rock-bottom is a solid ground to build on and I guess I will choose this way of learning untill the pain of doing it so gets greater than the assumed advantages. I still can not force me to do stuff. Will power = zilch. Aaah yeah, I can try the ‘what would a woman who loves herself do?’ track more often. Things went well for me when I did that.

Ok! If you got this far: thanks for reading and being with me in my dark hours. If you skipped to the last paragraph: I understand. :-D.

A woman who loves herself would allow herself to love herself.

“I am sorry I hate you.”
“I am sorry I did not take better care of you.”

xx, Feeling & shadow

Does the ocean say ‘No’ to half of the waves?

First I was drinking and then I quit and felt my way back into life by following the nice feelings in order ‘to become clear’.

Now I am not drinking, clearing up and very happy about it. But I am still procrastinating and to my idea not dealing very well with negativity. Yes, I have unleashed the weird 😉 here every now and then. And my contact with the Universe and all things ‘coincidentally good’ has improved a 1000 times – but… I feel there is something I am not doing.

So this video popped up out of nowhere:

It is about procrastinating, (me) wanting to fix people and with that not listening to what is, and alcohol (bonus!). If it does not open, try checking it out on YouTube. I had dismissing procrastinating it as ‘bad’ and ‘needs to go away’ but the video made me realise there is an (imagined) purpose to procrastinating. And the energy that came free from accepting that I procrastinate was BIG. 🙂

Then I realised I follow all the good stuff and get the Universe messages, but in my still developing theory on dis-ease, there is a place for feeling bad as well. My theory starts with: ‘All that is there to be felt is there for a reason and the reason is to guide you (me!) to a good place.’ Which is nice in theory but I am not practising it when it comes to procrastinating. I feel bad about that but don’t act upon that feeling. And realising that developing my intuition, or my higher goal: to get clear – is not only about listening to the nice stuff. And as I lay in my bed, working out how it works that I need to say yes to the dark stuff as well, a friend of mine put this video on Facebook. Surprise! It is on saying yes to the dark stuff as well. Does the ocean say No to half of the waves?

And I am starting to see that if I do not forgive me for having specific difficulty with drinking or procrastinating I will not be able to work on it. And the universe again, started to do its thing and in another 3 steps I stumbled upon a lesson in forgiving :-).

Not sure how it is going to work, but I guess there is a path. And a book I believe? 🙂

That was the nice part of the morning. Memories brought me back to age 12. Procrastinating and not working makes me feel guilty, specifically because people say things like: You have all these brains and don’t do shit with it. Yes, that would be me. Anger unleashing: But you know what? My brains are my own and I don’t have to fucking live up to your plan of my life! I am NOT going to be a shrink or a doctor!

Primary school in The Netherlands finishes with a big test at age 12, I believe it takes one or two days. I had prepared myself with getting in the zone, I guess I still prayed then and I really worked my ass off to get all the answers right. I scored 99% in the test which meant that only 1% of the 12 year olds in the country that year scored better. I had no clue of that. I just thought there had been a competition and I had scored high, almost a 10 (A+). So I came home and was very, absolutely proud, yearning to hear that I had done well because nobody at school had dared to say something to me. And my fathers first reaction was: ‘Yes, we always thought you had 1 percent missing.’

And everybody laughed and laughed and laughed and then told me to stop crying because I was being silly, should not be so sensitive and should be happy that I had scored 99%. I FUCKING WAS TILL YOU CAME ALONG!! They continued that they did not want to take this score too seriously because I was always such a serious child trying to live up to expectations. Blablabla, that is an excuse that sucks. Just say that you screwed up because you wanted to be funny more than you cared about my feelings and in hindsight saw that this worked out worse than you hoped. That would be an apology.

3 Years later I finally felt that I did live up to expectations and lost interest in school IMMEDIATELY. I had been best of class for 2 years and in the top 3 for the third year. In the 4th grade, age 15, I dropped out. Lost interest, did not want to live up to expectations that were ‘useless anyway’. Could not deal anymore with the stress at home, people drinking and constantly arguing, constantly nagging. Never a normal, nice, adult way of dealing with stuff. Always shouting and arguing. No peace. Ever. Sitting in the living room being utterly tense and afraid for the next fight. Everybody was arguing except my brother. Everybody got argued with, except my brother. Hmm, I guess I came done on my brother. Gave him the shit I felt. 😦 Sorry, brother.

At one moment I started loosing it, I don’t know what I lost, had something to do with control, I started to intervene. Try to fix them. Draw the attention to me by being disrespectful. I’ve been doing that for years. It is only now, today that I can see that my current developments will probably lead me to see that I did not stand a chance. There is no saving people who keep on drinking. No matter how hard I wanted that and no hard I tried.

They did ‘not even’ ‘drink a lot’. My mother drank home-made wine of 14%, 2 – 2,5 glasses of it which, with the size of the glass meant that she drank almost a bottle of 12% wine a day. But her liver was very bad due to the cancer (or the other ways around) so we would notice her behaviour change halfway the first glass and she would get irritated with everything and look for a fight with anybody except my brother, during the second glass.

At that time my father drank 1 liter of beer a day and sometimes, like once every 2 months binged one evening in the weekend. That would lead to extreme arguing in the house and finally I guess social isolation. A person who has Aspergers is not easy to speak with without the booze. With the booze it is like being run over by a freight train. So I drank with him.

Procrastinating, actually saying ‘things are too big and going to quickly, I can not catch up.’. I thought I might as well do the things that have nothing to do with the other things that go too quickly. Or maybe approach it like I did drinking: learn to see where things feel bad and good and take it from there. Or not so much ‘start do stuff’ but ‘stop not doing stuff’. And change the name because I could not quit when I called myself an alcoholic. There is no hope in that word. It carries darkness. I used to be psychologically addicted to alcohol and now I have quit drinking and am dealing with the consequences of not dealing with life while drinking.

I am happy that I quit. These last 3 days have been showing me my yet undocumented dark sides. I met somebody exactly like me. I felt like this extra terrestrial finally meeting one from the universe here on earth. And then I screwed up by insulting him. It did teach me shitloads. I would not have learned what I did if I had not cared. But shit! I need to get a grip on this anger and power stuff because it is fucking destructive. I want to become clear, not swept of my feet by any minor threat to what? Dunno. Happy that I quit though because otherwise I would not have met ‘the other alien’ (ooh, he is the store guy, he is partially blogged about!). Let’s just say that: I am happy that I quit and I am only responsible for what I do and not for how other people are or react to that.

I want / my intentions are to use all that life force to bash through this issue and get a grip on my ego. But that feels like trying to solve the issue with the same brain that created it. Let’s see what life brings. 🙂 Forgiveness. And maybe realising that I still am not all-powerful. These two things mix. Haven’t worked it out yet. Aah, because I do not know how to behave differently because people with power issues tend to look up people with power issues. And people without power issues are wise enough to stay away from people with power issues. I have no example. Well, I guess I am back to vigilance. Not on the drink think now but on the ‘power issue’ thing. We shall see.

I need: don’t know. I hope I learn to let go because this pain and resentment seems to keep me stuck in the past. I think this is the first time in 4,5 months that I have used the words ‘letting go’. So maybe it’s about time. But first the power issue, or maybe they are connected.

New category: I am taking: Schuessler cel salts on ‘letting go’, ‘improving sleep’, ‘high blood pressure’, ‘being overly sensitive in the ‘wrong’ way.’, ‘improving bile production’ (no diarrhea anymore and things start to get healthily smelly again 🙂 – if you cared to know. 😉 ). The salt I am taking on ‘feeling attacked easily’ might influence the path that I am walking now on the power issues.

Whatever. I am done writing. Need to get some air so…. third walk to the store. 🙂

GOOOOOOOOOMORRRNING WORRRRRRLD!

3Kg down! And 5 if you include the weight gain I had the first days of quitting. Guessing the water weight is only coming off now, which would mean I was thoroughly dehydrated. That’s when the body needs time to believe that it can trust the quantity of fluids coming in before it starts to lose the reserves it got. My tongue has returned to its normal pink colour, no white wash anymore. Scallops on the sides are still there though but less pronounced.

And…. gonna jump into the black hole of the recovery sites set up by Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed. who thinks addiction to alcohol is partially a dietary thing that is caused by and causes a lack of neurotransmitters. This is what makes me very curious:

Many people who have a thirst for truth, spiritual development, a higher level of consciousness and self-discovery, are often drawn to the artificial “spiritual effects” of psychotropic substances, because of their ability to propel us into what appears to be the fast-track to spiritual bliss. This is not true spirituality; it is a deceptive illusion.

The high that is experienced with drugs and alcohol feels spiritual, because they all stimulate neurotransmitters in the brain, but when the drugs are gone, so is the euphoric bliss and the connection with the divine. So, when drug or alcohol use wipes out neurotransmitters, as it inevitably will, it takes our spirituality with it – thus where the deep, all-consuming, black hole in the gut that every addict has experienced originates.

From: http://www.alternatives-for-alcoholism.com/addiction-and-spirituality.html

With XTC we know the depression follows the intake. Man, people even get dimples in their skull. Why would the continuous feeling bad from alcohol addiction not at least partially be the same? I feel way better now I don’t drink and eat extremely healthy.

Also, I distrust people who focus on the powerless. Being powerless, is part of humanity, fighting it to stupid ends is too. I saw a woman get hit by a car. It left her nowhere. I have been addicted to alcohol, it left me nowhere. But I do not consider it smart to live within a thought of complete powerlessness every day. That’s not how it was meant. Animals don’t have that. They know where their power is and the know when to back off. Because of that they hardly ever hurt eachother badly, like humans do. Hmmm, is this where i’m getting to this ‘and the power to know the difference’ quote?

On power, the Ayahuasca said: ‘I have the right and the duty to defend myself.’ That’s all. The right refers to defending, keeping my bounderies, no attacking which is going outside of my bounderies because there is no such right as the right to attack. The duty refers to the duty to myself but also to the world in order to keep the balance. Letting bullies walk over me is bad for me, but also trains the bully into doing that more to others too. Attacking and imbalance are wrong on many levels but to me mostly on what I call a ‘biological’ level but that might not be the correct English word. I think that is what power is for, to keep a natural balance and to ensure survival of the fittest. The right and the duty to defend myself. Being big on being powerless just does not fit in there.

Then again, I did get the advice to take it with me that the base of my excistence seems to have been sculpted with this very thought of constant danger and powerlessness. Did not understand it then, starting to feel it now. Probably why, all in all, I very, very much dislike people repeating powerlessness constantly. To me it just very, very, very much feels like a set up for child abuse, or so.

Well, let’s see what mrs Perkins brings… But first I need to do stuff. No such thing as fun without punishment! Sigh. Way, way to go. But I’ve reclaimed my time from the booze so I’ve got time. And I am happy that I quit. Damn! Yeah!

Resistance and the Nakken diagram

Reading Nakken again. It’s on resistance and I LOVE it. Finally, finally an answer to a question that has bothered me for years. I’ve been doing courses in haptonomy and the were lovely. Following a course I would be zen for days, really Digging It All. And then when the next course would come up I would feel this resistance. Something nagging, something that wanted to sabotage me, something that made me set two alarms instead of one, that made me distrust my intentions, that made me check, check and double-check the timetables of the train I needed to take. And then when I’ld arive I’ld be like ‘NOOOOOOOOO’.

And now I know how this works! Gonna do an old fashion content steal:

As shown in the Pleasure, Power, Meaning and Connection diagram on pages 68, 85, and 90, there is an area named resistance. It stands between our drive for pleasure and power and our drive for meaning. Our drive for connections which propels us upward toward meaning, can be subverted by our resistance. We can therefore stay caught in the cycles of power accruing power and pleasure-seeking pleasure, and though we may catch glimpses of meaning, we will not partake in it in a meaningful and beneficial way.

Human beings have a desire for change and a desire for permanence. Though we have a natural desire to express our spiritual nature, we also have a natural resistance to change and become spiritual beings. We resist transformation of the self into spirit because it goes against our survival instincts. We fear we will cease to exist if any form of spiritual transformation takes place. Because we fear giving up our egohold on the things of this world, we tell ourselves subconsciously that it is better to stay in control, avoid pain through pleasure, and not surrender.

YES, YES, YES!!! I subscribe to that, which is a piece of page 91 of ‘The addictive personality – understanding the addictive personality and compulsive behaviour by Craig Nakken’ – the 1996 edition. Do you agree that the book is quote worthy? 🙂

And I now I also know why I don’t understand his diagram. In the book Nakken explains that addicts are out of balance when it comes to pleasure, power and meaning. To much of the first two, too little of the last. Nakken seems to place pleasure and power opposite meaning although he recognizes that there are ethical versions of both pleasure and power.

I agree with everything I read so far but had (have?)  difficulty understanding the diagram that he made of this. I think it is because he aligns stuff vertically. To me, the power-driven person, that indicates hierarchy and I guess he means that too because he writes about ‘propelling upwards’. Meaning is up, power is down, obviously….

I do not agree with that. I think, in general, that all three (meaning, power, pleasure) are equally important parts of human and animal life. Kids do not learn if they do not experience pleasure, neither humans or animals can take care of their own if they don’t understand and practice power and sitting around being all meaningful all day is not going to take care of the mortgage. So I would not vertically align these 3 in a diagram and say that the one thing is better than the other.

By putting meaning up as the ultimate goal he disses both power and pleasure. But meaning is not the goal. The goal is sustainability in the sense of sustainable procreation-ish; to build a life that is happy (pleasure), responsible (power) and meaningful (meaning) in a society (connected) that supports that and to which I support. Traditionally, in the biological sense, power, pleasure and meaning contribute to that equally. And of course you can argue that happy is not only ‘pleasure’ but also ‘meaningful’ and responsible is not only power but also has to have some meaning. So I’d put sustainability in the center and have pleasure, power and meaning circle around that. Guess that did not fit on the page. 🙂

And I soooo need to get a life. Imagine taking one and a half hour to work out and write down why you don’t understand something and to come up with your own version in order to… Well, I needed to work it out because I thought it was me. Turns out it’s him?!  😀

And while you continue your life I’ll just sit here and see when I get to livin’.

Blogging, just like real life, well sort of.

Ghegheghe, I’ve only been out in the sober blog world for about 2 weeks and as you might have read I noticed from day 4 or 5 that I had sort of replaced drinking with being online. It takes a hell of a lot of time to write, check, rewrite posts and commenting. Which is good, time spent thinking is time without drinking, or so. 😀 But the time it takes and ooh, the commenting to other peoples posts; making sure I get all the I-statements right, deleting all the preaching, deleting all the smartass replies, deleting all the non of the ‘I’ve read this book and….’, deleting exclamation marks and uppercase, deleting all the jokes that might be misunderstood or go down the wrong way. It takes ages. I have not come to writing ‘I’ in lower case, that seems to be A Thing but I don’t understand The Thing, and looking at my character I guess it takes about 37 years before I can change to lowercase. Sigh and sigh.

And even then… yesterday I replied with something on my brainwashing technique; if I notice negative repetitive thoughts I try to reverse them, see what it does to me, see where it hangs onto etc. I thought I saw somebody losing energy on repetitive negative thinking so I explained how I try to deal with that. And she replied: Yes! I’ll try to think more positive! Which of course is what, somewhere down the line, I said, but shit, I would never, ever, ever!! tell somebody that they ‘just need to cheer up and think positive’. Sorry Annie! It’s a can of worms and I think that maybe I should not be pulling them open unless I’ve got my power issues fixed. I feel so clumsy in this field. But how can I fix my issues if I don’t live? Go out, meet people, blog, reply? I wish I could say my intentions are good but having a major issue with power…. they happen to be not. It’s not that I deliberately try to out power people and have the intent to hurt, but I need to really take action not to. Guess that’s good-ish. Now get the knowledge, practise the skills.

Why? Because I want to be here, it is good for me. And I want to be able to comment, I want to try to share, learn to take in and take out equally. I don’t want to have written a comment, read back and think; I am not helping, I am just showing off, making sure I am noticed. Helping in itself of course is tricky because it also says: I know this stuff better than you / you are not coping, I see that. Or maybe, very maybe that is not that bad, to lend a hand so now and then. Dunno yet. I guess it’s all about the intentions. Got some work to do.

Once we went on a holiday where we kept scores of the people in the group. I ended up nr 1, 2 and 3 in the helpful category and nr 1, 2 and 3 in the anti-social category. Looking back, the anti-social behaviour was all about booze…

Soooooo, hey! I’m perfect now!!! 😀

Well, this is my blog helloooo. I can do the smartass stuff here.

Being right makes me superior

Today I continued with Craig Nakken on power issues. The first half of the book is about addiction and how it progresses and how an addictive personality develops. The second half, or at least for as far as I have come is about the pleasure and power driven versus driven by meaning. Where as the last thing is the good thing 😀 So it’s more about healing. And that’s good, I want some.

I started the second part about a week ago and never continued. Couldn’t read it. The words just made no connection in my head, could not understand it. When reading books like these I am very aware of situations like that because mostly it means that I’m taking off and don’t want to learn what it says. Traps, traps… The subject was about power issues. Hah. I got stuck on one of the diagrams  because to me it does not make sense. But he is very, very good with words so I finally stopped trying to understand his diagram and I could read again. He might have drawn it like it is just to fit on the page. Tricky things to say in a subject concerning power issues 😉 but I got stuck on the diagram for days so hey I put it out here.

The first half of the book was already mind-boggling because EVERY SENTENCE was applicable to me.  Here I am, feeling all not normal and way too special and then there are at least 60 pages written 1988!!!! and it is me on a platter. The second half of about 60 pages is the same, only some parts of the pleasure driven person do not seem applicable. I have always drank my mood from below zero to zero, so it it felt more like self medication than pleasure but maybe I should read that part again. I am big on the grieving and that comes with the pleasure driven mode.

Today I read 25 pages on the power driven person. These were so intense that I went to bed and slept for 2 hours after reading. 🙂 I learned a lot. During the reading I am continuously aware of  ‘how does this information connect to my energy, body, thinking, intentions’. But somehow I have not remembered a lot, was not a brain-brain thing maybe. Might need to read it again.

The only thing  I do remember is: people who are power driven are convinced that being right makes them superior to others. Which is exactly a sentence that I have used I think 10 years ago no, if not longer, to describe the family I come from. The right fighting attitude does wonders for your scores at school, but that’s about al.

Went on a lovely evening out with friends. Booze is everywhere and today my old habits kicked in. I saw it was 22:00 o’clock when we parted and I thought: ‘Shit, just missed the openinghours of the supermarket, now I have to go to the shop with the late hour opening.’ Well, I never finished the second half of that sentence but the first was there. I notice I am getting a little bit more relaxed with drink think. But there is a curiosity in that which I don’t like. It is the one leading up to: ‘I have been such a good girl, I might as well give it one try to see what I miss.’  I know that from stopping with smoking.

I’m trying to find an answer to that which is not ‘AND YOU SHOULD NEVER DRINK AGAIN STUPID BITCH HAVEN’T YOU LEARNED FROM ALL THAT YOU HAVE DONE WRONG?!?!?!. IF YOU WANT  TO WASTE YOUR LIFE YOU CAN DO THAT BUT NOT IN THIS HOUSE!!!!’

Looking at this I think both the curiosity and the berating come from the addict. So this is what it looks like.

‘Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself  too much or berate yourself either.’

2,5 KG

Yeah, what I forgot: I’ve lost 2,5kg now and about 4-5 if you count the weight gain that I had directly after stopping. Not even training yet. Should though, had this 1 second nightmare view in a dream where all my skin was sagging. Gheghe.

On my way to read Nakken again. On power. Seems to be an issue. 😀

Things I want to change

Nakken’s book has gone over to the part on recovery and I still don’t understand it. Have difficulty reading and understanding. Feel blocked. Anxiety. Notice that I’ve come to the parts where I am not proud of who I am, what I did, how I ‘work’. Feeling out of place, stranger to the people in this world. AND DON’T GIVE ME THAT ADDICT SHIT because I have felt like that all my life!!!!!! (sorry, again)

Sooooo. I guess I insist on being weird. I thought I am weird but never thought I had made it into a shield. It is a shield. Hence the question: what is there to gain from living the thought that I am weird? It magically explains away the fact that I have difficulty connecting or any other underdeveloped, hurtful or impractical character issues. It reduces others to being normal which makes them stupid because ‘normal is not good enough’. And of course that makes me more special again. Being special makes me untouchable. And…… back to the not connecting.

I do feel I am different because I have this sensitivity that is ‘not normal’, it is especially developed around diseases and finding cures for funny things. Not sure if it is HSP, don’t know, just want to know how to deal with it.

Trying to feel into the thought of me being normal, not weird. Whoops. If I am normal I am very inadequately normal. Loads of undeveloped area’s. Power issues, connecting issues. Rather unfinished. Loud. Before I quit I wrote down a list of things I want to change about myself.

– Big on number one: power issues, speak and act without being forceful. Not taking notice of myself in a conversation, not checking back how the other (might) react(s), overruling people, not always knowing stuff better, not always trying to ‘teach’ people. And the endless need to digress, to build smokescreens while digressing. Soooo irritating yet it comes soooo natural to me :-D. Which sentence is exhibit 278…. Part of this is also that I feel that my heart is not functioning as an organ, but neither as a spiritual heart, or as a chakra. It is, was, hard, no flexibility, no movement, no air, no room for living.

– Being critical, seeing every mistake, almost compulsively pointing out every mistake, might be a power thing too.

– Always being afraid that ‘everything’ will go wrong. The world is always burning in my perception.

– Magically develop vague illnesses to sidetrack me or avoid experiences.

– Grief as my biggest addiction.

– Having no trust, no hope.

– Continuously seeing traps, bears on the road.

– Fear of administration, fear of dealing with money issues.

Actually, only the seeing traps everywhere is functional in this process. Some people might want to add ‘insecurity’ to the list but I don’t feel insecure, I am actually very sure that I am very incompetent in a lot of areas. Hmmm, this reeks of denial. I guess the feeling shitty after calling me incompetent is insecurity. So insecurity is forbidden territory. Aaah, hint from the past: ‘insecurity is dangerous, the alpha guy feeds on it and will hurt me.’

I’ve had it for today. Still very happy that I quit drinking. Think I am doing very well. I’m finally coming to the point where I want to see people again. I guess that is GOOD. 🙂 Hope I don’t screw it up again, still haven’t found my feet, which is good too, but uneasy.

Power issues

Day 10

Power issues. Need to go see my new GP today. Things running through my head. Having all these discussions where I say this and then she says that, blablablabla. Notice that I am trying to force the discussion up front. Force? Up front? Discussion? Not ‘conversation’?

Becoming aware of the power issues that I have is awful. Well, it is very good, and very needed but it feels so awkward. I don’t connect, I try to intrude, enforce my way. Nasty, nasty. 😦

I am scared that the GP will doubt me while I’m actually doing fine and I am confident that I am on the right road. I am scared people don’t believe me because I have walked away from the programme, which of course is very, very addicty thing to do. Well I think I am on the best track that I can have. Would like some encouragement from the outside, but that would also confirm that it is ‘so very difficult’ while in fact is it not. Well sometimes it is. But the despair of drunken nights wanting ‘it’ all to stop is still clearly in my mind and I don’t want to go there anymore. 80% Of my problems faded away DIRECTLY after not drinking anymore. We shall see. This is how it is, what I am, how I do it. I am on a good road now.

It is momentarily difficult to speak because I am in this power issue process, becoming aware of my nasty intentions of wanting to force things to my hand. That makes it difficult to act because I have am so new to this sober territory and doing things sober. I never drank during the day, but being sober is something different than not-drinking. I feel like I have to learn everything new, even biking feels strange. Things aren’t automatic anymore. I know for sure that I should not be driving a car right now.

Funny  how I try to walk away from ‘controlling habits’ while immediately trying to cover my ass, trying to make a bond, force readers to be on ‘my side’. I expect people to be anti-me, so I manipulate or use more force. I don’t want that. Let’s see how things go.

This is Dolly Parton’s cover of Stairways to heaven, she changed some of the lyrics. This is one of my favorite songs, appropriate currently with the ‘working to get to heaven’. And yes, there’s is a very, very cheesy aspect to my taste in music.