So…. the powers at work. Buckle up for a messy post. A little editing here: it is a dark post, but I am ok now. So you could save yourself some darkness and continue to the next post if you like. 😀
What’s it all about? I said goodbye to the bookstore man a few days ago. Thought it would give me peace not to be sent all over the place by his mood swings I do not understand. But ever since I have noticed that I seem to have the ability to outdo him in that. After 3 days of continuous crying, chocolate, fries and chips I’m trying to make heads and tails of it right now. Not really looking forward to learning what I have to learn. Lately I seem to do the mayor stuff by rock-bottom experiences, this does not feel any different.
On top of that I have my period. Worth mentioning? Well, yes, since it is the first real one with the hormonal inbalance in 5 years. This innerspring thing I have seems to have lost its charm. I was already wondering last week what was happening in my world when 5 different people around me started speaking of having periods while I was thinking ‘Gosh, I have not heard that word in years!’. But now I know; back are the nightmares, the pain, the darkness. I had forgotten about that. No vomiting, heart palpatations, freezing and sweating all over or fainting this time but shit, I so don’t want to go there anymore. I feel I can’t bear that now. It is too much. I feel like I’m drowning.
My glasses broke. New ones cost 400 euro’s if I’m to have a pair that suits my face. I have a non-European wide face with a non-European nose, it takes a lot of time trying to find one that actually makes me look ok and intelligent instead of fat and ugly.
My tooth broke, the one that has been fixed 3 times in the last months.
Gay marriage has been approved in the USA, in my not so humble opinion suspicously timed with fast tracking the TPP; one of the darkest trade deals since the Dutch introduced worldwide slavery. Things are falling apart, I am falling apart.
So, yeah, it feels like I’m back to square one. Destruction is big, again, images of knives circling my body, drawing blood in a destructive ritual to bleed me out. This scourge torturing my back. Haven’t seen those in a while. Dark places. I notice I get into trouble lately because I don’t speak with friends about my alcohol past and I feel I can’t explain what is going on without letting them in on what I would like to keep from them. Not sure anybody would understand anyhow. I only spoke with the store man about it and the nutritionist friend but she’s very busy. Well, my SIL knows – but she doesn’t know about darkness and she would be worried and scared so, well.
What happened? The store guy told me he quit using weed. I worried that was pretty early and then forced myself to stop having opinions and not making it my worry – I think it was ok-ish till then – apart from the point where I can’t stay out of it and actually have opinions And ultimately that seemed to be the whole point, well, my point. We spoke, all was fine-ish. Next day he posted something on Facebook, a list of photographs of everything what was bad and dark about this world. I think to know that place. I walked around there for years on and off since I was a teen and continuously during the months before I quit. I recognise / see it as the darkness leading up to the place where about 12 months ago I needed to decide ‘Do I want to live?’
The powerlessness, the incapacity, the whole world being dark; this place where light only seems to exist to illuminate all that is evil, illwrought, sickening and corrupt. Where happiness of other people hurts me and only proves their ignorance and well, general stupidity this world has no lack of. Yes, yes, I am familiar with arrogance as you may notice. And no I do not mean that for real, it’s a mood thing tainted by a more structural character failing. And yes I put it out here.
So, he was in a dark place and I went into this, what in hindsight looks like a familiar mode, I thought; ‘Let’s gear up and save this guy!’ (Don’t laugh, I am guessing by now most of you know this attitude to be the recipe for disaster.) I went over to the store. First, second or third sentence I heard was ‘I went to the coffee shop yesterday!!’ Not spoken like an fyi but more like a ‘and don’t you dare touch me!’ kind of thing. Well. If that is your deal, that is your deal…. Let’s see…. I thought of walking out immediately because I expect very little communication from somebody who’s fences are up so high but that would look like, I don’t know, reproaching? I worried, I think to know that place where things are sort of getting tight and thinking of wanting to quit and things not working out.
So I sat and listened to him spreading darkness with every sentence he spoke. He was trying to convince another friend of his of I don’t know what but it was bad. I was sitting in the store thinking ‘I should get out of here because he’s looking for a fight, picking them out of thin air and I am in no position to deal with this’.
Being me, I did not. I thought, as I have always thought; it is my fault, he probably felt pushed to quit by me and blabablablablaa. So… it is my responsibility to defuse this. I’m thinking my intention is not to only defuse but also to take the blame I guess… 😦 Looking back I have come to the conclusion that this has been my pattern all my life: I have thought that over my parents trying to verbally if not energetically kill each other, I’ve thought that in companies with people fighting. And I have always assumed it to be true; If they are angry it must be because I am bad. I should fix this. So I sat and let events take place till indeed things exploded, not without my help… :-/. Unfortunately or, more ‘of course’?
My cat takes another route: if I’m in a bad mood she goes out and does fun things on her own. 🙂
I wish there would be another layout to WordPress where I could write my version of what happened on the left, and on the right what I learned from it. It took me 3 days of crying and desperation to learn that what somebody else does is non of my business. I don’t need to help. I don’t need to inform. I don’t need to defuse. I don’t need to be a lightning rod. I don’t need to tell about the books I read. I don’t even need to tell my own story or my blog address for that matter. (According to the stats only one person from my country has been here and read 2 posts so I’m confident that he will not, especially now, show up and you know, I am past caring about me in this. I thought I could deal, I could not. This whole thing send me spinning. Not proud. Fucked up. (BSM: if you happen to read this let me know if you’re not ok reading this and I’ll dunno, I’ll see.)
I learned that part of my want to help is driven by this feeling of lack of worth and hence I need to fix and control the other. Yes, there is a part that hurts when somebody else hurts and me wanting to lessen that but I need to get rid of the forcefulness. Which I guess… is what my therapist has been saying for 20 years now. (Hi!) Not sure how to deal with it. Intention, intention, intention, it is all about intention. And then there is this point where I don’t want to realise that my intentions are not clear and clean. 😦 When karma overran dharma.
He said something like how I had put pressure on him but it all hit the truth button pretty hard so I went in a systems lock down and can not repeat now what was said. I experienced a freeze. Complete with the inability to move, to walk, even talk for a few seconds, bend my neck and well, all the other systems alarm that goes with it :-/. I can’t remember having had a real systems lock down since I have been sober. It was overwhelming at first but I was more surprised by the intensity than anything else.
Funny enough I could actually look at it and experience it somewhat separately. Not sure how to verb it because I’ve been eating this feeling away ever since, not exactly something I appreciate storing in my memory. It is like chaos ready to destroy all that comes in its way. But I do remember thinking: ‘So this is where I was born.’
Yes. I know. Not your ordinary day. I did not know the meaning of it yet until I had time to go home and think and feel things over. To me it is about the force of life, the creative chaos, the primordial soup, I’m guessing it’s the yin without the yang. The other day I was saying to a friend of mine: I wonder why I keep on meeting guys whose main issue is one with the destructive forces. Why? I guess I know now. I have an affinity with it. This is where I was born. Might be where everybody was born. Don’t know. I don’t know what it means but knowing it makes me able to stand upright while the powers (me? dunno) that be throw the shit at me that I have been going through the last days. Would be nice to ask the bookstore man, he would know where to look it up.
And while at the other side of the counter the store man was very angrily defending his general right to be (way over the top) angry I was thinking: I was created in chaos. I am drawn to the power in it. I am drawn to the ability to destruct. I am drawn to people who know that darkness – this is why we are speaking here. I did feel threatened (not in the physical sense btw) and I guess my life force responded, it blew me of my socks, internally. Of course internally. God forbid I would fall apart in front of somebody :-/, specifically if it had not been admitted that I was right (of course… 😦 ). We spoke, we worked things out but I also managed to exactly NOT say what I thought I should on how anger influences me.
I keep on meeting people who, like my mom, seem to come out of nowhere and ignite. And me walking on egg shells and if the shit hit the fan, try to defuse the situation by being the lightning rod. There is a thing, coming from that meeting I went home, cried about my mom a lot and realised how her moodiness has influenced me. There was a moment I could dissociate myself from the drama and look at it. And then came my period and it all became messy again.
Next morning we had a FB discussion over a picture of a young girl showing her privates to a young boy and saying ‘with this I am going to control your life’. I have, after years of hating men finally come to a point where I see that both men and women are fucked up by the stupidity of this societal ideas of oppression and sex and oppression by sex. And of course thus by our familiar and individual trauma’s. Good choice of words ‘fucked up’. :-D.
Well, whatever, things started of ok and suddenly seem to spin out of control because I made joke on ‘how things slow down at older age’. Got called ‘vulgar’ and I told him to bugger off. Literally. I realised I had gotten myself in a friendship with a person who, as a Jack out of the box, or, as my mom, comes out of some corner to jump at me all angry. 😦 And as hormone stimulated arguments go I deleted all FB contact, brought back my borrowed books and said; ‘With the process I am in I can not afford our friendship.’ and he replied with ‘You are always welcome here.’ Which I took as sincere, not meant to diss me.
And then I cried, over him, my mom, my dad, my inability to stay on my happy track, my moodswings, my process, the darkness in me, the darkness in this world and how fundamentally wrong I experience its mechanisms and our distance to what is natural. Well, the darkness that Gabor Maté speaks about. Why the pain? And I could not find any light. Feel like I’m about to hand in life’s notice. I don’t want to be me anymore in this world. (= Learning by rock-bottom but not doing the learning yet. 😦 )
How very dramatically period-like. And how very ‘With this I will rule your life / badly influence our connection’. But in another way. The day before our last subject of conversation was ‘what you speak about happens in real life’. He said no. I said yes-ish. I guess there is that too.
Aaah, and then I read A hangover free’s post on emotional maturity and I thought: I have not managed any of these yet. I slept and dreamed about drinking and how I did not care any more about being sober but still handed back the bottle because my back is against the wall and drinking will only make it worse. You know, Brad from a home without a roof threw in the towel. It hurts. End of the road said goodbye to her blog – I am guessing for the right reasons but still, I would wish it were different. I hate to stand by and not be able to help somebody who’s in pain but I can’t. I just can’t. Experiencing the bankruptcy of the help-concept I have lived in all my life and it is not pleasant. I need to take care of me now. I’m exactly where I need to be but it is a fucking dark place. I want to smash and break things. Need to find the light again. Tolstoy springs to mind.
I am not sure if I am happy that I quit. I would have not been alive if I had not. Somehow that looks very inviting right now, to not have to care. So again, learning by rock-bottom experiences. But not sure if I’m doing all the learning.
I take: chocolate, fries, chips and meat. Several days now and I don’t give a shit.
I need: stuff this.
I want: things to be easier. The cat is ill again. Bladder infection and sneezing. 😦 Actually, I would LOVE to do an ayahuasca ceremony on this subject of darkness and help, boundaries of that and anger. That is what I want.
3 Things; the sun was out so I slept on the balcony and got a little tan. Musqitoes bite but do not leave big marks anymore which I guess says something about heath. And I finally finished this post, took me 3 days and actually I am feeling better. Ghegheghe, I saw bookstore man number 2 this weekend, he’s at another shop. He’s 72, I sometimes take him fries from the market. He’s got no lower teeth so he eats the soft ones, I the harder ones. 🙂 He sees me walk in and says ‘What’s up with you? Love sick?’ ‘Well, something like it: friend sick. And I’m stuck.’ And then he hugged and kissed me and said: ‘Me too, me too. Everybody today.’ And we spoke about darkness, aggression, being stuck, alcohol (he did heroine and alcohol, now he does yoga and he paints) and relations and working out issues through relations. He’s a bit of a rascal, works out he has this 50 year old girl friend. Bookstore men. 🙂 ❤ 🙂
Must be funny for you to read this. If you were not surprised before you might now consider: do you ever speak with your book store man about love life and addictions? It seems I do. I’m building up this whole second life separate from my actual life where people whose last name, birthday, telephone number and address I don’t know, know way more about me than my friends. Sometimes it worries me. Sometimes I wonder; how is this different from the denial I was in when drinking? But also; I am friends with my regular friends because they walk in the clean world where life is easier. They have kept me sane these last years by being a reference, by not going down that trap of ‘drinking with inferiors’. And I have, over the years, said goodbye to all the heavy users/drinkers to make sure they would not weigh me down when I would need to get sober. Now I find I team up with people who did or do use because it is company where people need and look for personal development and the darkness can exist.
How did I get here? I’ve used Ctrl + to make the lettertype big on the screen but it gives me even less oversight over this post than earlier. Well, still not editing.
Sort of separate but I’m guessing also another motor in this unclear situation is this ego thing where I am attracted to knowledge and intelligence, secondly can’t stand that I know shit (which is not true but I think I don’t since I do not know Sanskrit or Chinese terms) and that makes me feel inferior, never good enough, meaningless, falling behind, useless. Sometimes I am ok with it and I can respect all the time and effort and specifically self-exploration that goes into the studies that the store man has done. And sometimes I feel shit and wanting to lash out. It twists my intentions.
And then there is the subject of sex which I am not willing to discuss but I guess it is part of the equation. Since day one I realised that I had difficulty with dealing with this friendship so there is a big no-go in the yearning and wanting. Also because I feel the yearning and wanting is impolite, specifically when somebody is in a relation or not interested. I am pretty sure he would feel this through the air anyhow – so, a no-go because impolite. We discussed it, came to the conclusion that for both it is there sometimes but it is not always important, nor looked for. It is only now that I told him to bugger off that I suddenly think that sex would be The Perfect Solution. 😀 (Sorry!) But he’s taken anyway. Or not, or is, or not, or, don’t know. Traffic light relation with his GF. And then there is the 1 year rule. So… Noticing now why the 1 year rule is important. I can’t even deal with friendship. And then there would be his 1 year rule to consider. So, no-go.
I need to deal with finances. Falling in love and storming towards a big rejection of somebody who is either in a relation or can have his pick from a shitload of interesting, educated, smart, beautiful, fresh, well-read, slim, succesful, healthy, yoga-ish, balanced, developed women who come walking in every day, speak his language, have travelled where he has been and (some of whom) lay themselves down at the coffee table is NOT a smart thing to do. 😦
Still, my heart (or karma?) says: ‘I recognise darkness, I smell power (issues), I feel limitlessness. Let’s check this out!!!!!’ 🙂 And there it goes happily bouncing out of its chest, messing up life and generally heading for disaster. A situation I, as a standard tend to mistake for love. 🙂 Sorry. 😦 Guess I’ve got some learning to do.
It is 03:24 here, night time. Time to go to bed. This must be my longest post every. I’ve learned a lot. Karma overran dharma. It is out of my system now. Hope by writing about it I did not put it in yours. And shit I do not have to worry about that. It is not my care. I do worry about privacy, not mine. Not sure how to deal.
Hope you have a nice day/evening. 🙂
The free online conference on health has a the subject of sex today. Thought you might want to know since it is one of the funny things after getting sober. Sign up here.
This is todays programme:
- 12:00 (EST) – Dr. Sara Gottfried – Sexuality and The Hormone Reset Diet
- 12:30 (EST) – Dr. Madeleine Castellanos – A Doctor Looks at Sexual Health
- 1:00 (EST) – Psalm Isadora – Practical Insights into Sexual Transformation
- 1:30 (EST) – Destin Gerek – Ending the Battle of the Sexes
- 2:00 (EST) – Dr. Jen Landa – Women, Hormones and Sex
- 2:30 (EST) – Veronica Monet – A Deeper Dive Into Sexuality and Partnership
- 3:00 (EST) – Sol Sebastian – Men, Sex and Power
- 3:30 (EST) – Jessica Drummond – Women and Pelvic Health
- 4:00 (EST) – Mantak Chia – The Healing Tao and Sexuality
Hope it brings you something :-).
These days I have come to the point where I feel it is within me to actually take control of my finances. And therewith the feeling of stupidity and guilt towards my mom disappears which directly makes place for grieve. I miss her.
I am happy that I quit in a way that I now deeply understand the necessity of it. 10 Months ago today was day 1 :-). That was exhilarating, scary, overwhelming and I was so happy that I had quit. Still am. 🙂
I want: this grieving to fall into place.
I need: to sleep most likely
I take: chocolate
3 Things: Ha! I just paid a bill which was due, 3 minutes before midnight. 😀 Yes, yes, does not sound like control but at least I did it. The piece of art of the video above exactly showing the darkness of my road. My cat, who has been trying to get my attention the whole evening. 🙂
I hope you have a good night/day,
My arm and shoulder have been hurting bad since a few weeks. Yesterday I was inspired by the video from Mary O’Malley on ‘What is in the way IS The Way’. So I this morning I spoke with my shoulder and arm:
– What is the problem? Why are you hurting? Would you like to tell me?
– You let me carry everything, all the stress about finances. I am just a shoulder, I should carry THINGS – not worries. I do not know about finances and still you put all the stress on me.
Gone was the pain for several hours. I actually requested remission for local taxes today. NEW!! Never done that. And without shame. And that is NEW too. Not sure if it is a sustainable way to not pay my way in life – biologically I think it is not working. But for now it is the care I am able of taking.
Yesterday I was at the store. The store man does not seem to have an easy time not smoking pot. It looks like he dived into the deep and the dark immediately. I’ll bring him the Gabor Maté book – looks like that matches his mood. He does not seem to be quitting on based on knowledge but more on one insight and a decisions. I’m thinking knowledge can help but I need to get away from my need for meddling in order to do so.
I used to think that quitting pot is easier than quitting alcohol because alcohol is so socially accepted. It is not that your family will offer you a joint as appetizer before the Christmas dinner…. or… well, mine did not… But here in Amsterdam every 5th store is a ‘coffee’ shop and on sunny days every 20th person is smoking pot. That is pretty much right in your face. And with alcohol one can look the other way. Pot smells and you cannot stop breathing. Does anybody know a good book on quitting pot?
I have decided to continue writing as if I have never told him my blog name. However he’s not been around (I can see in the stats because I have non to few Dutch visitors). I might have acted too quickly because I was happy to include him in the sober club. 🙂 But it does set off all kinds of processes in me that I do not want to deal with; feeling like I should rephrase things, feeling like I can’t write anymore what I want.
Now there is a point. I have written things about people, mostly my brother, which are not nice. I can see now that I do/did not come from a place of compassion when writing about historical events. I needed to let out my hurt and possibly in one go also hurt somebody else. 😦 Not proud of it now. I am happy that I quit because no matter how painful it is to discover these things, the pain of drinking, continuing destructive behavior towards others and being in denial over that are worse. Not that I weigh hurt on a balance and choose for the lesser pain… there is some morality or genuine wish to do good within. But I actually also do think that doing the good thing is the one that brings less pain. Otherwise living would be very unsustainable.
So, I am happy that I quit. I worry about the store man. I should not because he feels intention through the air.
I want: to continue with living and developing and sorting out this issue I have with finances.
I need: to do exactly that
I take: nothing yet, want to sort out stuff but haven’t gotten to it.
3 Things that went well: my applying for remission AND not feeling guilty about it. For me it is about facing my biggest fear of and being able to ask help. 🙂 Not sure if there is a difference between those two. And of course I am happy to be able to mention here that things are going better because you as a reader must be getting pretty bored with the ‘I can’t’. 🙂 Also I set my alarm clock this morning again because I feel I want and need to do so much stuff AND read a book the store man gave me AND see the Future of Healing conference. I feel parts of m life’s energy is coming back now I find an entrance into finance and the denial is slowly dissolving. Not sure if that is the right word.
Yesterday I did not do what I told my SIL I was going to do. I dreamed all night on how she and my brother were berating me and taking their hands off me. I answered by becoming stealthy, defiant and eating licorice (?). I also met a man at the store, he has been logging his dreams for 30 years now and has about 15.000 descriptions. It was very interesting to listen to him speak about his dream logging. 🙂
I hope you have a nice day / evening,
Must see beautiful vid of Mary O’Malley who listens to her ‘wolfie’ and thus calmes it down.
Beautiful, beautiful concept of becoming curious about neuroses and compulsions in order to understand ourselves.
It is of the conference of ‘The future of healing’ day 1.
Hope you enjoy,
Not sure if I use the correct words but the store man told me today that he’s looking at quitting smoking pot – or something along those lines. And so (?) I told him my blog name…… (Hi!!) Warned him of the content. I forgot about the romantic fantasties, so here’s the heads up! 😀 Hmmm, what’s in a name….. Sigh. Gheghehghe….. grrrrrr and WHRAAAAAAAH!
We shall see. Not sure why I did this. Might need to work that out. I’m guessing it is because he’s now ‘one of us’. Ghegheghe…. enlisted. 😀
Funny that I do not worry about what I wrote. I suddenly do worry about what I might not write in the future. Hmmm… We shall see. Funny concept a not so anonymous anonymous blog. Guess there can be a trap in writing about issues while actually, secretly addressing things that I want the store man to read. Need to not do that. Stay clean and clear. Hmmm. What if I already stepped into that trap by mentioning the blog name. Tsssss….. Pffffff…. Hmmmm… So, there is now a need to stay clean in my intentions. Ok.
I am happy that I quit. Why? Because I finally feel I have my old self back ever since I read this tea label ‘Time to leave the past behind’. Yes, still doing development by tea label. 🙂
I need: to continue on the path that I am at. Finances have been given to the finance man who is collecting money out of every corner. If all works well I’ll be getting at least 6 months worth of living back from the taxes but…. that might be AFTER I go broke on paying the current taxes :-D. So there is a little hole to be filled. Possibly with a job :-D. Yes I am joking and no I am not content with how I have dealt with this. Well, actually, I can moan about what I did, like I can moan about having been drinking but maybe, maybe, maybe I should be looking at what I am doing now. How I am dealing and I am still not on top of it but I am getting there. The fog is leaving and I am (finally) putting in good efforts in applying for jobs. If this is what it takes, this is what it takes.
I want: to continue to feel able. Control issue? It is nice to not feel like my life is slipping out of my hands. I also found a place to be where I trust that all will be ok in the end. If it is not ok, it is not the end. That is NEW. Not sure if I mentioned it before: the catastrophic thinking is gone. I hope, I guess. Not sure now anymore, maybe I am just better at denying? :-D. Well, negative feedback is not gone yet I notice :-D.
I also found my HP definition / feel. I had in my ayahuasca ceremonies already met the ‘natural order of things’ but that natural order was an order because there is also something not in order. I met the ‘not in order’ a few days ago. It feels like creative chaos with a lot of growth power in it. I am guessing my HP definition does with that not differ from I don’t know what religion? It’s a bit of a yin-yang concept. And it includes my frustration about my ‘female’ life energy being enclosed and ordenend (is that a word?) by the ‘male’ so there’s food for thought too. A few days ago I had it all worked out and stabilised without the destructive male / female thing on it. It’s not easy to let go of. Sometimes I am in this mode where I don’t feel like a woman when I’m not allowed to be all over the place. With that comes the thought that anything that looks like order and comes from the outside directly ties me down, rapes and destructs me. Wonder what archetype thinking that would be. Please leave a note if you have thoughts on this. 🙂
I am guessing that, along those lines of thinking, creating order in my life feels like destruction of me. I guess that is very much how I experience it. But the funny part of it is that I do order a lot of things; everybody elses shit preferably. 😀 There is a need for order in me. Just not applying it in the right place. Order and restriction, not my favorites. Also noticing that there is a whole world of difference in my reaction to those words when I feel through it, let my instincts run free – or when I actually think about it. Hmmm…. need to let this sink in. What I do notice is that there are natural movements, energies like ‘a need to order’ and ‘a need to be free’ but that I do not apply them ‘logically’ or ‘naturally’ or, what would the word be? I’m guessing that has to do with blockages, misunderstandings of concepts. In the way that addiction is a misunderstanding of life. I have no more words to this. Need to let it sink in.
3 Things that I am content with: I contacted the head of a big organisation with a business proposal and he was interested. I also applied for a job there. And the finances and taxes and shit being sorted out – that is a good feeling. Also I did yoga for 2 days. Nothing big, just 20 minutes with the strangest of ‘starter’ poses the book suggested: oeddijana (stand, exhale, pull in belly muscles to the spine and up), candle, plough, cobra, forward bend when sitting down, bow followed up with 5 different breathing exercises. I did not know I had let myself go so far. Informative. Well, I have noticed that the slow introduction of new habits into my life is good. I’m guessing I should see if I keep up with this one. 🙂 And I am STILL not good at being content – can’t write anything good without dismantling it directly.
This discontent is engrained in my face, the corners of my mouth hang when my face is relaxed. I dislike that. When I walk the streets and really look at peoples faces and recognise the same I keep on thinking: you have not understood what it is about, life is NOT about storing sad memories and remembering all the negatives. Which… is easier to see and judge than to heal in myself. ;-).
I take: there is a Schuessler cell salt that actually says to work (literally!) against drooping corners of the mouth. 🙂 Ghegheghe… I think I should be taking this and making a cream of it too. 😀 FYI: the rest of the Schuessler salt text is about negativity, loss and sadness.
Well, so much so far. Hope you are doing well. I’m still not being very social when it comes to reading and responding. I need all my energy to get my life aligned. Which is good. That is what I got sober for :-).
Have a nice evening/day/night,
I haven’t been around a lot lately. Reality on finance is catching up on me – denial is still big – even when I am writing this. I also realised what denial does, I tried to explain denial it to my SIL, it goes like this: ‘When I would fully realise the reality I am in I would shatter, fall apart and it feels like I would die. I think to know that I will not really die but it feels like I would. I am not sure if it is a good thing. I put a lot of energy in not having the reality catch up with me so I have the idea that I can function. I would not be able to function if I would realise the shit I am in.’
I did not tell her that I have been there before with having to quit drinking. It is funny to speak about something with detachment but still knowing that it is absolutely true. I think the detachment, the denial, apart from giving me the feeling I can survive, also takes me away from my roots. It is like living exactly next to my core. And again I go into this guilt trip thing where I speak with people and the thought pops up “If only you know what a shitty administrator I am you would not be so nice to me now.” I had the same with drinking. This is how shame and guilt destruct my personality and contact with others. I am starting to understand the mechanism of it now – even though I am to scared to actually experience it. Not sure if SIL understands.
However, I am back on track with the looking for work and being in my professional energy. Maybe that does take some denial ;-). How come? Well, there was this sudden shift in experience and it went like this: I had spoken with the store man about anonymously featuring the speakers of the Recovery2.0 conference in a Recovery subject. I would write 1 or 2 Facebook articles a day, interesting people in the Recovery2.0 because we had worked out that becoming clean and sober is an important step in the path to enlightenment. Loads of people reading the Bagdavadgitha and still drinking 2 bottles of wine in the evening = not good. So on becoming clean and clear. I had written 8 small, anonymous, articles in advance, just to show the tone of voice, to see if there would be a click. While writing these I continuously had the idea: this is good work, but I need to make sure that I do not form a shield out of my recovery. Might sound funny but I see that happen in the sober world and I find it not healthy. Not sure if you recognise it, it is about people warding of experiences and constantly dragging back the conversation to their ‘drinking days and how they have overcome it’. There are people who glorify drinking, there are people who glorify recovery. I find it unattractive. Might have to do with shame. Might have to do with jealousy on their openness. Well, those are just disclaimers, covering my ass. Actually, to me it feels like people asking me to look at their scar. Not attractive. (Yes, yes, I do it too….) I’m thinking more and more that the focus of living healthy should at a certain moment change from the scar to living life.
At the moment of the shift I was in the store and having an interesting, beautiful conversation with the store man and several other people on the subject of personal development, yoga, body posture – all those subjects that make my mind sing. The plan was for the store man and I to go over the articles and see if they needed clarifying or editing but the visitors were not leaving and that gave me time to settle in the feeling I had carried around for a while: am I focussing on the scar too much, am I glorifying recovery to ‘set an example for the store man?’, ‘secretly telling him off with all his knowledge about enlightenment’? I knew I had carried that around in the beginning when I was pissed off about the GF that suddenly popped up. Not anymore :-/. I wanted to share, ok, I wanted to share and impress. :-). But I did not feel like it anymore. Too much time scratching my scab while I should be living again.
So I sat there, fading out a little and I looked at a candle while thinking about continuing or not continuing the writing. I wondered if it were a good decision, I laid down a Tarot deck that was available to see if it held information on what road to go. I and felt the energy of the cards; very low, no entry, closed door. I wondered: is it a good decision to continue and put my energy in this, while looking at the candle. And the candle died. Instantly. No wind. It just made this hissing sound and died. That was unsettling. Pretty dark. Scary actually. Did you ever look at a candle that died spontaneously? Brrrrrr…
It got stranger and stranger because I now mourned about the time I had put in the 8 small articles and started looking for reasons to justify continuing. The store man lighted another candle, just in front of me while I kept trying to justify myself. Again, when I came to the point where I thought, I need to do this (for all the wrong reasons, like living up to the projected expectations of the store man….) I looked at the other candle and it died. The store man asked me what I was thinking about and I said I was wondering if it were a good idea to publish the writing, if it were a good idea to focus on addiction instead of starting to live my life. He said “Yes, can imagine, want some tea?’ And I got a Yogi tea and while I was thinking…. maybe I should move on and really, really focus on money….. the tea label said: ‘Time to leave the past behind.’ And a whole pack of guilt, feeling imcompetent, feeling inadequate, guilt and what have you (what have/had I?) dropped of my shoulders and BAM! Back into competence (with some denial ;-)).
I can call people now and make a connection instantly through the phone and people believe that I have something to offer and lead me further in my quest on where I can show and tell and maybe get a job. NEW!!! I used to have that, well I actually always had the ‘seek and you will find, knock and you will be opened, ask and you will be answered’ until I came to the full-blown addiction where shame and guilt where weighing me down and booze was clouding my judgement. Pfff, don’t want to talk about that anymore…
What else happened? I told the store man I had been in love with him in the beginning. I also told him how me wanting to be in contact with him wiped me of my sober feet and got me into a dark mode – at which I cut the feelings off. Oooh, I also mentioned that this was because of the suddenly appearing GF. It was an interesting and deep conversation about friendship between men and women and how this developing friendship with him helps me deal with my rather aggressive, sexualized and black and white thoughts about men and women. NEW!!! I am happy we can speak openly about these subjects :-), happy we can speak openly anyhow. He’s very good in noticing and naming/mentioning or calling forth energetic (?) changes in people and in conversations. I don’t know the word, it is about speaking with clarity, awareness and without judgement on what happens within and without/between people. He says the same about me. 🙂 The store is a special place, not sure how it works/if it is possible at all but I it is energetically laden (good word?) and special conversations take place there. Often we go to a place where words are accompanied by energy and heard thus. Like all people connect energetically. I put forward that we have that openness towards each other and receive easily so we might try to see if we could speak without words. I think it is possible. It would be an interesting experiment. It is funny to speak/write about this because I do feel things happening but I keep on thinking I don’t have the words to describe it. So I return to where the words are clear and simple, close to my heart and free. 🙂 It is a good place to be. The store man is a good friend.
Further on becoming clear and clean. I worked my ass of yesterday to take care of an application for a project at a head hunter. I was in a good place. And… this morning I woke up and realised that I had blown my energy yesterday and somehow can not ‘just’ continue after doing something that big energetically. I have difficulty coming back to daily life after being focussed in a high tension project for ‘so long’. Yesterday I realised that ‘normally’ I would ‘drink it away’ at the end of the day. But with being on my alcoholfree (9+ months), sugarfree (about 5 weeks minus 3 days) and gluten-free (1 week?) diet really confronts me with the ‘no way out’ principle. Which I know by now is the reason why I ‘must’ follow this road of restriction. This becoming more and more strict on my intake had me worried a little a while ago, I was wondering if I were developing an eating disorder because I really feel that I should do it but I could not find the reason for this pressing drive. Bit scary. Now I think I know that I need to cut things out to find out where I am hiding, where I am still addicted to outside stuff. It is good. It teaches me a lot. And nobody died of not eating gluten. To me the step in becoming clear and losing the fog in my head is as big as with quitting sugar.
Having said that, I got so emotionally, or more energetically mixed up today that I went to buy chocolate AND chips to take me away from the mood I am in. It helped. 😀 And it is very funny to watch this from an observer position. NEW!!! Need to learn to watch the roaming emotions from that position too. I’m often still being thrown all over the place by me. There is improvement, the anger from month 1 to 3 of recovery is gone. Happy for that. No depression reaction to the sugar so far. Let’s see.
What else is new? Aah, since I quit eating sugar I am starting to be more aware of things around me and within me. I am pretty content with this cutting away destructive food groups from my diet. Doctor Mathews Larson says that most people who have been using alcohol for a long time become/are allergic to the stuff their favorite booze is made of. For me that would be wheat (beer). So I’m trying glutenfree, see what it brings. It brings clarity. Like with sugar: I still eat potato chips with 2% added sugar and with the gluten I still add a teaspoon of mustard through my dressing even if it does say ‘might contain traces of gluten’.
I’m up for a network conversation tomorrow, fixed that in 2 minutes which proves me I’m back professionally. Let’s see what will happen.
The cat has been sick for 2 weeks, me giving her her drops, she not improving until I finally did what I think I should have done all these days but somehow did not get to: make broth from water with real meat and add 1 grain of Celtic Salt to it. She dove in and by the looks of it she is doing splendidly now. 🙂 The becoming clear – my goal in life – is to learn to act upon those hunches quicker, not have the fog there. It is like the example of the bus I used the other day: I need to learn to hop on when opportunity passes by.
Aaah, the store man asked me what these busses looked like, and where I would be seated.
‘Just a regular bus and I sit in the 4 seat.’
‘So my girlfriends can join if they want to.’ I realised there were no men in my bus. Ever.
‘Who is driving?
‘No, I’m thinking life knows where it needs to go.’
I am guessing one day this conversation will have meaning. It is interesting to explore such a vision. As it is to explore dreams…
I had another 2 dreams in which I needed to ask for help again. Ghegheghe :-). I can’t remember the 2nd, it had something to do with being attacked. What I do remember is that I was not caught up in the drama and offering myself as a victim but stayed out of the dynamics and went for help. There was little shame or guilt, just a knowing of ‘I can not do this alone so I need to ask for help.’
The second dream was about going to a house in a street where all the houses were connected and the street was caved in (?) like living 20cm from a cliff. I thought I should be polite and take what was left of the road and not go through the houses or the back gardens. Half way I looked down and froze. I remember that my backpack made it difficult to move fluently. Obviously there is some meaning in that too :-). I opened the door behind me and backed up into somebodies living room. There was a boy, I explained him that I had become too scared to walk on. He said ‘Yeah, that happens, we are used to doing it but mainly take the back road.’ And he showed me that path that run through the back gardens. No worries, no shame, no guilt, no judgement. Just accepting what is. 🙂 NEW!!! By the way: I sleep real deep these days. It feels like I sleep deeper every night. I am guessing that is good, I am guessing that my dream life is wanting to develop and become an integral part of my life. I would like that. 🙂 When I started my path of becoming clear I though dreaming and dream analysing would be my next hobby. Oooh, would I love to build a dream temple on a beautiful spot where people could come and dream, speak about it and learn. 🙂
I am guessing there are several layers in these dreams but I just take the one that is most obvious: my dreams teach me to learn to ask for help. That is good. 🙂 I am guessing this is part of becoming clear. Maybe becoming clear is also a way to connect again. Even though I can connect deeply I have always felt I have little connection to others. I expect everybody to secretly dislike me and leave me when they feel like it. But that is a whole new subject and not for now.
I am happy that I quit in a sort of ‘you might want to get used to it and move on with your life’ kind of way.
Three things that went well today: me becoming aware of all the shooting emotions. Not being able to regulate them yet but becoming aware that they are there and very present. The cat peeing medium big pees again. 🙂 And.. pfff, the job research I did I guess.
The other day my traveller-gene played up. I have this gene, well, it feels like a gene, that says ‘leave your goods behind and travel’. It is scary. I don’t want that. It comes popping up every so many years when I am in a deep shit. Not wanting to make a subject of this. Just logging.
I need: to get and stay focussed.
I want: life to be easy but not complaining now but just wishing. I think life should be easier than the path I walk. I’m guessing I need to learn to let go of stuff so I can truly and clearly walk my clear path. Not the, I don’t know, be the ‘traumatized’, confused, malformed me I was/am.
Ooh, btw, I have a new understanding of addiction: addiction is just a misunderstanding of our ways. Remembering that when I put my first steps on the sober road the definition of addiction and the reasons where VERY IMPORTANT and PRESSING and a reason to get into an argument over and feel hurt when somebody said something different. Now the reason is not important anymore, the solution neither, the learning to live clear is. It is funny how this process has many stages which are recognisable in a lot of people. Also funny how I, while not doing the 12 steps, feel that I do touch on subjects which are covered in the 12 steps too.
I take; nothing, but I am using bodylotion again to make my skin a little more attractive, that is very dry. Ooh, yes, I did take Maria Thistle. It is funny but sometimes my liver still hurts. Do you have that too? And I clean my tongue in the morning with a spoon. And I tried the Ayurvedic oil washing/pulling of the mouth – I do think it does something but it is unpleasant. But then I thought that I can take it easy and only start with as long as I can bear it. 🙂
On sugar: something like 5 weeks minus 3 days.
On gluten: 1 week.
On meat: I don’t seem to like meat anymore since I quit sugar. Not sure how that works. I did eat it like 4 times in a month or so but it felt like eating dead animal. The karma thing is starting to bother me. I think it has to do with becoming clear. I am not sure that people are supposed to eat animals. I read once: give a child an apple and a rabbit. It will eat the apple and play with the rabbit. You would be very surprised and possibly scared if it was the other way around. It is my long-term goal to be meat free I think.
Hope you enjoyed reading 🙂 Sorry that I have not been very present on your blogs, I need a lot of time for sorting out my stuff.
Have a nice night / day,
All in all, can’t say I’m ‘fine’ but I am happy that I quit mostly because I get the idea I am FINALLY stepping into the time and space and learning experiences I was born for. All these first chakra things about money, house, work, safety. And that is good, not very comfortable, but good and very NEW. I am thinking of changing my name into ‘building’ or something like it. Only Feeling is not doing the thing anymore.
On sugar: I have been without sugar for I believe 30 days now excluding two, one with honey for my throat and one with sugar because of addiction. Funny that I have unpurposely not eaten meat for 2 weeks. Had some eco chicken wings yesterday and I turned out to be not really interested. Strange, strange, strange. A few months ago I started the clean eating too (no sugar, no additives, loads of veggies) and also automatically lost appetite for meat. I can not accept yet that my road of addiction is leading me to excluding every food or behavior that is addictive or deals with denial, everything that makes me be unclear. I want to be clear, transparent. Not sure why but that is what I want.
Meat is about denial, when I think about the cow being slaughtered I am appalled. I need to set up boundaries to be able to eat it. Like I set up boundaries to keep the panic about the finances out; big time denial. So I am guessing not eating meat is on my road but shit, I still would like to ‘hang on to stuff’ – don’t want to stand all on my own in my own self. 🙂 So there are movements towards clarity and there are movements that want to hold on to the old situation. One thing I’ve learned in sobriety: easy does it. No rushing into stuff, no unbalancing things, setting myself up for failure with difficult diets that cut out everything all at once, easy does it. Ooh, on diet, I am at 80 kilo’s. Which is, if I remember well 1,5 kilo below the ‘weight coming out mail’ a few weeks ago.
On health: discovered I have 3 different types of parasites, possibly from the cat. No wonder my bowels are protesting. Not sure what road to take in getting rid of them; try natural or chemical. I’m a bit afraid of chemical. Need to study that.
I take: nothing
I want: mostly to find in me the rest to let the experiences of this weekend settle and be included in my energetic cell experience / memory too – or whatever that is. That is what it feels like when I change and do new stuff.
I need: I need to let stuff settle. Ok, meditating on that will be good. 🙂
3 Things that went well today: cat’s presence improved Big Time with some homeopathic stuff I gave her after having searched the internet on what exactly she would need for hours. She also started eating again and she is eager to go outside – since she did not sneeze after I gave her the stuff I let her go. She knows better.
I feel like I have stepped into the place where I need to be – which is very fucking scary but I guess it is the way to go. I have changed, the air has changed, the stars seem to have changed – or something like that. I also feel I need to catch up with the stream of last Saturday in order not to lose the connection. Not sure how it works, sometimes I feel like there are energetic streams in life, like infrequent bus lines, and I ‘just’ need to hop on. It feels like learned behavior and karma prevent me from this easy traveling. A friend of mine explained karma as such: all living things and situations in the world have a beginning, a middle part and an end. When we got stuck in a situation somewhere there comes a trauma and our life force wants to end this trauma so we get attracted to the same type of experience – till we solve it. I feel my unsolved things prevent me from hopping on the busses that drive by – heck, they prevent me to see that my bus could be a 5 star zeppelin flying me all over the universe and back! 🙂
Thing 3: this morning I found a whole sack of new earplugs in the back of a drawer, I thought I had run out of them :-). They are very welcome with the construction workers outside.
So… this is what I have been doing and experiencing lately. As you might read in between the lines I need all of my energy and time to myself so I have not been messing in your blogline a lot. But, yeah, happy that I quit. 🙂 About this time around last year I got started with getting introduced to an organisation who was going to help me quit. 🙂 Glad I did, shit that was scary. Ghegheghe, I could not even speak on the phone sometimes. Loads of saying “I am panicking now, I do not know what to say, I can not think.” and “I can not hear what you are saying.” 🙂 Making myself helpable…. I’ve got a few more steps to go but I am getting there. The idea that being helped does not equal being butchered because helpless is getting there.
I wish you a good day / evening.
So, what’s up? Everything. I feel like my life is falling apart and I with it. I’m down with a throat, sinus and maxillary sinus infection – I thought warm milk with honey could not hurt so I drank that, from there I moved into milk with chocolate and sugar and shit, shit, shit is that stuff bad. It took 15 to 20 minutes for me to spiral down into the dark pit I was in before I quit drinking. The cat is sick and I hope it is not serious because I don’t have the money to go to the vet. Somebody stole a very expensive bike lock of mine. Guess they went for the bike but only got to breaking the lock and were disturbed then. Bills are piling up and on top of it all there are 3 painters outside my house (several stories high) painting the woodwork, making a shitload of noise and forcing me to either hide in the dark with the curtains closed or sit in plain view writing this and crying. So just to be on the safe side I had another go at my computerized alcohol desensitization training. 🙂
So this is what happens when I don’t take control. I may be standing still but time moves and life takes over.
2 Days ago I dreamed that a addicted man and women walked into my house through the outside front door, they were high and in for some fun and checking out if I there was anything to take. They had horrible skin, almost zombies. I dreamed that I woke up and was petrified. I tried to yell, no sound came.They chuckled. I realised that I was in no mental position to fight them or tell them to leave so I ran for the door and outside. They replied with even more laughter. I tried to cry for help, no sound came. I decided that no matter how stupid it would sound, no matter how embarrassed I would be, I would cry for help. And I did, I blocked the embarrassment and cried out. There was this wailing sound full of despair and hurt and that at first shamed me even more but I had to block it to be safe. The intruders where almost rolling over the floor of my balcony laughing but I guess, I guess that is what I think is the price to pay for help.
Bystanders did not understand a fuck of what I said but at least I was out in the open, on the street where nobody was going to hurt me physically. Bystanders took no action, just stared at me, confused and embarrassed. I realised that if I wanted help and police I had to call them myself. Another image of the price I think I will pay; nobody gives a shit and I need to do it all by myself anyway.
That dream occurred not yesternight but the night before that. See my surprise when scaffolding was being set up around the building yesterday. Nobody had been informed that painters would come. However, I did not sleep very well last night. And no, I don’t think that the woman and men were real or that this is a predictive dream about burglars.
Financial rock-bottom coming at me fast. I keep on thinking: ‘This is what I got sober for, to deal with this.’ But I still don’t have an inkling of what and how and where. There is nothing in me that wants to go out to into the world and say hi. I am guessing the if the above dream is a representation of how I feel about life, and I am guessing it is, then I can understand that.
I feel I am floating further and further away from the world. My thoughts on how destructive this non-ecological, profit driven society is make me feel an outsider to the whole theater what society calls life. Where ever I go I see people not listening to each other, hurting each other, screaming at each other, living in their addiction. And I am no different. I shop at a large supermarket. When I want to live healthy and sustainable I can only eat 1% of what they offer. I feel I am drifting away. It is so strange to really see the what and how of addiction. Tommy Rosen his definition is about repeating behavior that we know is bad for us. My definition of addiction is ‘Using things, products or behaviour in order to not feel what is actually going on.’
I went to a party this weekend, it was strange. The group was about 40 people including some children. In the end I only helped with the catering. I don’t know, I just don’t like people who drink anymore. I can’t close myself of for their bluntness (yeah projecting) and their forcefulness. Some of the men were obviously looking for the spirited woman with a beer I used to be. I am not that woman anymore. I do not regret that, but adjusting at parties where I used to be in the centre of things is strange. Specifically when knowing or having heard of the personal problems everybody there seems to be having and then looking at the behavior. I felt like an alien.
The party did give me an opportunity to speak with the parents of an underaged friend of mine who had trusted me with some awful story about sexual and physical abuse of a friend of hers who is in an institution. It gave me the possibility to carry over the responsibility of being the only adult who is aware of this awful situation. The parents would ‘look into it’. What about ‘take care?’ Well, looking at it from that side I am not surprised I did not really feel like a party. Hmmm.
And now? The next step is to change. I’m not ready and I don’t know how but I guess I’ll have to.
I am happy that I quit, frustrated with my transfer of denial to the subject of finance.
Things that went well. I wrote this post. I did the desensitization training. I am starting to feel that I need to do stuff to survive. The other day I read this Facebook quote ‘Give the world what you feel is missing from it, this is why you are here.’ I guess, lacking any other direction, I will do that. My course last week went well, I finalised some work that followed the course but finally did not get the reply I was hoping for. I guess that had to do with it being a free course – less commitment.
Pfff, I need to go do stuff. Which is what I need.
What I want: I want this part of my process to be simpler than it feels. I realise now that if I lean into the part where it feels simple, I feel way better. So, stop moaning? Focus on the good? 🙂
I take: some Bach remedies which were actually ment for the cat. Hmmm, that is indeed as weird as it sounds. And some Schuessler salts to deal with my sinuses. I was doing fine with a normal cold until I forgot to care and it went downhill from there.
No uplifting post after all. Thought I would get some insights with writing this. Only a little and not uplifting. Maybe reality is catching up with me.
Hope you are having a good day,