On drinking and paying for it

Dreamed that I drank last night, had forgotten that I did not anymore. It was some fruit punch laced with alcohol offered to me, on purpose. Well, he works for a beer firm.   He used to have a relation with one of my best friends. She is 38 now and has been in a unfulfilling relationship with him for years. She needed a strong man and got it; she felt useless, overpowered and lacked self-esteem.

She broke up with him by moving into someone elses bed because he did make her feel valued. That did not work and now she is single after half a year while her ex…. found his soul mate and they are having a baby. Yes, yes, that is quick, quick for knowing somebody 5 months… what about ‘My app said that I could not get pregnant….’ 🙂

So now my friend of 38 is alone at home feeling all kinds of undefined sadness and very defined jealousy but also realising that she could not have stayed with him. In the dream I was trying to tell her that this is the price we pay for bad choices. And I would almost say ‘as usual’ I did so without regards to her feelings since there is this part where I can’t bear what she’s doing and why she is ‘moaning’ while it is obviously the result of her lack of bad choices. She made a choice to be dependent on her ex. Then started to dislike it but still did not leave and now she is 38, alone and yearning for a baby. Doesn’t that…. sounds familiar? No wonder I can’t deal with her being unhappy over that. 😦

I am having a difficult time accepting the choices I made when boozing. Even in the years that I only drank 2 days in the weekend I knew I did not want kids. That was because of a whole lot of reasons but also because I did not want to quit yet and knew intuitively that I would get worse. Be dependent on a person, on a substance, make no choice and life passes by. It is tough to realise. I sort of thought, hoped, I don’t know, that I could undo stuff, that life had not started seriously because I was not serious about it. Now I find I can’t turn back time. It is silly to only find that out age 45, I know. I guess that was another aspect of life that I drank away.

So, my arrogance in the dream was nicely answered with a glass of whatever-punch that I drank – forgetting all about not drinking and not paying attention to the smell and taste of alcohol because I was so obsessed with my friends issue…. And I got sick, very much so. Not drinking has moved to the background in real life. I could imagine me stepping into such a punch trap because I don’t expect it. Booze to me looks like beer and possibly wine, not like fruit.

What does the dream mean? Not sure about any deep meaning but when I take it face value it points me at some issues I did not see by by showing me something that I can see: her pain. And it told me that arrogance will lead to drinking. Which I have already worked through once but obviously needed to see again.

I am happy that I quit, although it is time to move on and that feeling gets to a boiling point. I feel like I am waiting for divine intervention. That will come: the bank account will go. It is like making no decisions… that’s when others will decide :-/.

I want: to go out and walk in the sun.

I need: there is a lot of things that I think I should, but that is not what I need. I can not look at the place where the answer to what I need is. I guess that is called resistance. Must be something there I don’t want to know. Like: I need to get a move on… Which is absolutely true. I feel I have no hands to get hold of a beginning. Everything has changed, I am closer to home than I have ever been but I am not familiar where I am yet. I feel closer to home when it comes to me and my health, I feel further away from my former job and projects. So many things, layers, falling off. I stand but I have not been able to look at the surroundings.

So many things changed in the last month(s). I have found a beginning of a want to be nice to people. NEW! And that I can get to a place where I do not feel attacked or a need to be not nice when I align inside with the light I have met in my ayahuasca ceremonies.

I thought: only dead fish go with the flow. Which is an attitude that got me in trouble and got me doing my own detox and sobriety path that I think works well for me. That aspect of me: that the worse thing is sometimes also the best thing, that is strange. I often feel torn and unbalanced. Ghegheghe… the hippo says ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah, heard it before, this 80 Euro cent hippo is teaching me a lot. 🙂

I feel like I am somebody different from whom I was. That is ok with friends who I see often but strange with people who I don’t. Aaah, that is a part of what makes the store man attractive: there is a new start in being there. In conversation with him I have taken the chance to say what I really, really mean. I do not often do that apart from here because I want to hide my drinking history. So that is what secrecy brings: lacking connection, loneliness.  I will go for a walk in the sun. Let some light in.

I take: I changed salts to others, one about backpain in the tailbone. I did sleep well but still wake up once a night to go to the toilet but now I do not wake up fully because I came from deep sleep. Somehow the cat always wakes me up when I need to go the toilet – or I need to go because she wakes me up. Still not sure. After she had a nest of kittens she has included me in her care. Telling me when to go to bed, waking me up.

And don’t read if you don’t want the nasty story: I still need to look this up but it feels like my urine has changed acid like apple cider vinegar – it irritates my skin if I’m not quick enough. I know it sounds bad but it does not feel bad in my body and I assume it is the acidity LEAVING my body – which is what some of the salts are for do: to alkalize. I still feel like I am loosing inches and a little weight but more because my body becomes more dense. Like I referred to with the shrinking of my ‘aura’. Need to check. To measure is to know.

I am halfway through another day of my life and I feel I only worked out issues and did nothing else. I’m getting fed up with me. But, happy that I quit. Now I can look at the being fed up instead of drowning it. 🙂

Restoring the density of my personality

There is a new process going on, or I am noticing just it now. When I see other people who are addicted to drinking I sort of feel / think / judge 😦 ‘they are all over the place except where they need to be.’ Feeling through the process that I feel is going on inside I feel that aspect of alcohol addiction is slowly repairing in me, around me currently.

A few days ago I was totally of the planet with sadness of reading the blog from Brad (hi!), a young man who gave up on his detox (he’s back!!) to again walk the path of self-destruction. And what I got in the replies are variations on the serenity prayer. And that made me realise that I can lend my support, try to be there for somebody – but I can not carry it. Specifically when there is the North Atlantic ocean between us. I realised that just there and then and I felt my ‘aura’ – lacking a better word – shrink in width. That would be the megalomanic aspect of the addictive personality I am guessing.

And now I am facing admin 2014 and I worry about what will be – which I notice is counter productive. And I have pain about what has been – and I notice is it counter productive. In reality I have nothing but now. Exactly the place and time where I did NOT want to be when drinking.

But it is good. Now is good. I think I can deal with that. And if I don’t, drinking will never be a solution. So my aura, still lacking a better word, has shrunk in depth as well. That would have to do with the ability to process issues from the past and not worry about the future – both traits of an addictive personality.

And the last dimension: height. I’ve been speaking with the store man Friday. We worked through some I-Tjing (oracle) text that is (said to be) applicable to my life. He mentioned that it says that I go to extremes in my thinking and feeling and that this causes me problems in life. And that he had noticed that to…. That I need to find a middle road. And God! I love biology. Because this is the FIRST TIME in my life that I have been able to feel through that concept and accept it from somebody :-D. Yes, sorry to everybody that tried and got frustrated.

Note: I have also been takin those before mentioned tissue salts that have one salt that deals with people who go to extremes. So it might have come from two places at once. Aaah, that was exactly what the ‘solution’ to my problem was: sitting with it on the middle road. I guess my therapist (hi!) would agree. As would my family, deceased mother, (ex) colleagues, most likely all my former teachers, bosses, friends, neighbours, customers.

So, that is the ‘all or nothing’ aspect of the addictive personality. 🙂 I guess it serves me well now I quit because in my quitting you might have noticed there is NO INBETWEEN either. 🙂 I think I remember 1 or 2 posts out of 200 where mentioned having tiny cravings and there was no longing to go back at all. I guess this character trait made me lose it and now I use it to come back to life.

So, I shrunk in height, depth and width. I actually feel that happening around me and in my body and I wonder if that means that I will be losing weight ‘automatically’ too. I’ld guess those things are connected. Yes, yes, I know that is a strange thought. 😉 Hey, this is my blog, ok? 🙂

I am VERY HAPPY that I quit. It might sound like you heard it before or just a slogan but every time I write that down I do so because I am VERY HAPPY that I quit and I feel that joy – it equals, I don’t know, going to Disney land, age 10 or so. I feel freed. I was living in a cold and dark and lonely place. And I am out. I have a choice to live now.

I want: hahahaa, that I have my admin 2014 finished but that should be so at the end of this day.

I need: to keep my head together and do my admin one piece at the time, not lose it. I can cry but I need to keep breathing, take responsibility and stay with it. Aaah…. and if that not works imagine the store man seeing you unable to deal with putting some pieces of paper in order. Whatever it takes is what it takes. 😀 Yes, yes, extreme. Ok, so now I should learn not to cry and not to whip myself with nasty thoughts but sit with it.

Aah, hey, it’s just paper, it is all in the past, I can not change anything anymore, I do not have to get in a state. Breathe, breathe, ok, BREATHE, BREATHE! 🙂

Have a nice day!

xx, Feeling

Now these are funny times

These are funny times. Feeling wise I have been on a totally different track since I met the store man. Yes, still having fantasies of the promised land but I don’t want to follow up on them anymore. Aah, stop lying. Yes I do. Therapy time.

What I want to note down for my blog is that I have been having back aches for over a year now and I think it concerns my kidneys. I had urine tests and there seems to be nothing wrong with them but they still hurt – only at night – and are part of the reason I do not sleep well. On top of that I have a lower back pain in my spine below that triangle bone that brings tears to my eyes and it also pops up at night and wakes me up.

Funny thing is that I never, with my conscious mind thought about this and it has been over a year and I never sat down to give it a thought. I panicked about it, I kept it in the back of my mind when thinking about quitting drinking, I guess I told the GP1 and 2. I sure did tell GP3 about the kidneys. But not about the back pain. I am guessing that there is only so much worry that can fit into my conscious mind. Or denial has become an inbred thing.

More denial? I need to have my breast checked for cancer. Due to my background I am supposed to go every year. After a plastic piece of the machine literally broke on my chest while it was trying to get a detail photo I fell apart inside. The pain, the absurdity of a machine breaking on my chest – would not happen now, due to the not drinking beer they have dropped 5cm!!! by now and gone all wobbly and saggy. 🙂 Beer contains hop (the bitter stuff that stops the alcohol making process) and that contains phyto-estrogens (and they keep them firm and looking at the sky.

I don’t want to return. That is 5 years ago now, I am thinking. I do not dare to go because only the research already is a I guess 80% chance of falling back into my old behaviour. Well, it has come down from 100% to 80, so that is good.

Anything else I am not telling? My eyes have gone bad, I guess it is also due to sleeplessness and too much screen work. My pupils are not in the middle of my iris anymore. I figured that is because of the watching a screen for a long long time.

I did do the 5 year cervix cancer test but that is because I know there’s nothing wrong there. 😀 Yes, denial still works in me as an independent entity.

I had written a request here for any comment to be ‘not pushy’ because this freaks me out. Funny request. Not polite and funny. It looks like denial and not dealing. It is funny because it feels the same as I used to feel about drinking. Shame, anger, ‘don’t you interfere with me!’ approach. Please do interfere with me so I can see what it brings. 🙂

Did you in your early sobriety notice these funny things like I did, blogging on EVERY LITTLE DETAIL and ‘forgetting’ the big things and the big picture? I am guessing this is a new, dunno, situation. Maybe because I have, in my mind, been able to hide this from me because there is nobody intimate. Now there was a hint of intimacy I start to clean the house (NEW) and worry about bigger things because I start looking through somebody elses eyes at me.

Need to run, breakfast in town is waiting.

Cleaned out a drawer – physical and psychological changes

I am in this tremendous flow of things changing for the better in my life. It is amazing. Who needs mind altering substances when you can have the real thing?! I keep on having this experiences that are described best (?) with feeling part of the universe, or being transparent where the universe is me and I am the universe. No, nothing megalomanic funny going on that requires doctors or pills – I ‘just’ feel like I am tripping all day over the growth that I do. And have written a post when I was on this very black dark cloud 3 days ago. It brought back all the ‘what’s  the use, why take care of myself, might as well… ‘ very destructive. Still roller coaster but one low on a week full of highs? Who cares!? And even if, the lows are the growth thingies that go a little less easy.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES

– I don’t want to lose myself in the occult but thing keep on happening that point me in a direction of growth. Video’s, interesting store man, scary astrologist man (I have not blogged about that – yet, message 4). I walked into or ‘dealt’ with:

– taking responsibility and relaxing and the difference

– listening to my inner voice with my whole ‘being’ while meeting the store man. Message 1.

– I have built up enough strength to listen to the negative or painful signals that give myself.  The negative self talk.

– I have felt and still feel how a possibility of an intimate relation in me (currently?) walks the same paths as an addiction does. It is amazing, frightening. I hope to get to ‘informative’ on a short notice because most of all it is very uncomfortable and it feels indeed like dis-ease. Message 2.

– My unblogged reactions to things that happened with the store man in the store have pointed out and made me feel through a nasty trait I have that I would describe as ‘overwhelming, destructive mother care’. Ieehks. I am guessing that was the 3rd message from the universe about the store man.

– I have doubts about my route. I see a situation of being flat broke coming up – I do think I have enough time to get myself organised and in a job before that. I try to feel my way into other possibilities than this slow forceless path I am taking. Cause that is I guess what I do. Take the natural path, find out where my truth is. I also have 2 drawers in my kitchen with food stock like flower, tomato paste, peanut butter, well, you know. When I came to live here, more that 13 years ago. I had no time to fill the drawer nicely so I chucked everything in and thought ‘I’ll clean that up when I feel like it.’  This morning I did. VERY NEW!!!!! Yes, groce, well, it has been cleaned out in between when I hired a cleaner for the backlog. But I have, in all those years, not done it myself and today I just did because I was there. To you it might sound insignificant but to me it is AMAZING!!! I think I ow it to my path and to the Schuessler cell salts of which there are some about ‘doing stuff’ and ‘cleaning up poisons in your body.’

– Whenever I doubt my way of dealing with sobriety and feeling my way back into life and I go inside and ask I get ‘The path is the destination.’ Today I thought that I would love to spread the nutrient – bach remedy – Schuessler cell salt approach to getting healthy after addiction to the world. But I must say (? must I?) I want to say to record this for myself in this blog here and now that I feel ashamed of that because it is like the ‘addict bingo’. Every addict says that they have found the way and they will cure the world. I feel stupid about this about myself. I get this ‘who do you think you are feeling’ and feelings of inadequacy immediately. It hurts. It makes me want to put my foot down and say ‘I do what I do! Who are you to comment on that?!’ Actually, sometimes it is good to have a large ego. Even if this new undeveloped idea of a route is not going to be the thing, still my negative self talk does not ‘have the right’ to speak like it does. Still talking child speak here when it comes to working out the negative self talk thing. I don’t understand the need for an organism to have it. I am convinced that every action and reaction are there for a reason and to discover the reason helps me heal. But maybe that is the whole thing; there is no reason BUT the bad use of the brain and ‘conditioning’. Ha! Tommy Rosen puts negative self talk under ‘aggravations’. Don’t know exactly what those are but they are sort of like addictions I believe. Negative repetitive behavior. Check!

– All these things are NEW. Also new is the idea that I have done enough for sobriety and might as well drink. How’s that for something over 4,5 months of sobriety. Alcohol repels me in such a way that I step back when I smell it on somebody. Not unlike my cat. And I pull a face. Very impolite. Need to work on that. So I don’t think that it is in real life going to be an issue. It is just that I don’t want these thoughts. And I had not expected them after this long. I guess they were brought along with being in a state of openness with the store man while he moved into his addictive mode and I got a vibe from it. Also starting to fall in love triggers stuff in me. Now I write this in daylight it does not sound like a healthy idea of love. Need to look into that.

– I felt through what happens if I want to clean the house. The cat was falling asleep on top of me NEW!!! and I wanted to clean but I could and I felt that I had to stay calm to not wake the cat and I felt in my body and brain how al the 10.001 options confuse me and make my brain overload and loose direction / focus. And then when I do something, like cleaning out the drawer without thinking about anything else, my brain is SO HAPPY. I need to feel my way into getting in that mode more. It is needed for me to start AND finish something and it is a quality that I need to develop in this incarnation. That has always been a very clear message – even when I drank. And I need it do be earning money in the future. So, I better get a move on and do stuff instead of writing this all down. 🙂

PHYSICAL CHANGES

– Schuessler salts keep on changing things in my body. It is amazing.

– Wrinkles disappear, my face returns, the ‘bags’ under my eyes lesson. My eyes however are still read and when I cry my tears drag itching, burning streaks over my face. And yes, you know me, I got myself a Schuessler salt for / against that – it is actually listed like that. literally. Not making it up here :-).

– I sleep at night, I dream again, like crazy. Last night about walking through the streets in the evening and seeing a young girl black out and drop down on concrete stairs. Nobody of her friends cared, they were drunk too and ‘she falls down every time, she drinks like a fish’. I tried to call the cops and realised that I did not know if she needed to go to hospital or not. I guess I have been there where I blacked out when I was young. Just never on the streets. Need to look it up. And then I actually left while having done nothing and then this tiny blond guy came to me and he was drunk and in pain over being addicted. He knew. And I told him it did not have to be this way and he clung to me and I could feel how he needed to be away from the alcohol, wanted it too but how big the pull of the alcohol was in him. I have never experienced it that bad. But I am curious how I know how it feels. I do not think I am in denial. This is not the way I feel about alcohol. Or maybe it is not the way I have allowed myself to feel about alcohol. There is another possibility. I can hear my mother’s influence there. I can almost feel here standing between me and getting addicted that deep down. Thank you mom. I thought you were a pain when it came to your critique on my drinking but I guess you saved me. Wow. Thank you mom. Crying now. My mom stopped drinking I think about 5 to 10 years before she died. She drank like 1 glass a month in the years leading up to her death. But she left half of the glass standing – like she only drank it not to fit out. She did a lot of those tiny things to not ‘stand out’ as the one that has cancer. 🙂

– My bowel movements have stabilized into something that actually smells and smells healthy (no I do know you did not want to know that, this is specifically for my history).

– I am less thirsty and I have less ‘cravings’ for food. Taking the Magnesium Schuessler salt helps me drop the chocolate. It takes 3 days before I think of another chocolate experience after the last. And when I eat chocolate is starting to feel a poison to me now I notice what it does in my body. It gives me not heart palpitations but like there is a tiny, tiny, very tiny moth in my heart. Not butterfly, moth. But it is difficult to let chocolate go because by now ‘there is nothing else anymore’. And I know I have to let go of that feeling, that would be the ultimate freedom of addiction but I can’t (yet). I can feel that moment of brown rice, vegetables and fish is coming but please, please, please – not now, not yet. I can’t deal with that yet. Having said that I have eaten sushi all week. Lazy sushi: brown rice, piece of raw eco salmon, seaweed salad, cucumber, 1 avocado, all separate, nothing made to look nice. Every time I got home from the store man it was 21:something and I felt like fast food but I thought I would spend the same amount of money on quick good food. OOH! THAT IS VERY NEW!! So when looking at that I am in the brown rice, vegetable, raw fish zone. Ha! No no no no no no no no no. Not yet. Not going there now. It is actually calling me but I dislike the feeling of discipline that comes with it. Makes me feel trapped. Even though I ate like that for years. And was very disciplined then. Brrrrrr.

– I have a dowagers hump, the neck is starting to feel different and it looks like it is going away / becoming straight again. 🙂 I would love that. It feels somehow related to the ‘relaxing but keeping the goal in mind’ experience I had with biking to the wrong address when relaxed. And it feels like it has to do with taking responsibility. Well, straightening out would be a good word. 🙂 And I keep rolling my shoulder backward because hunching does not feel good any more. Squeeq, squeeq 🙂

– I sometimes have tiny headaches because of dehydration because I forgot to drink tea. That is different too. 2 Weeks ago I drank at least 3-4 liters a day. Now I need to take care that I manage my 2 liters.

This was going to be a short post. 🙂

Thanks for reading. I need to go do stuff and see the sun.

xx, Feeling

High as a kite on happiness

Wow, just went into town after having had a serving of a new Schussler cell salt nr 1 that in my leaflet says will ‘protect you so that you do not have to build walls around you’. I have this idea that I FINALLY in my life found what I have been searching for for years. I walked into town and I could just relax and be happy. I did NOT somehow feel like having to watch over my shoulder, I did NOT feel like any minute there could be a baseball bat in my neck. I did not make up stories like ‘Need to go home to cook potatoes’ just to get away from people. I never knew I did make up stuff. By the way: the city I live in is big to Dutch standards but to those from the UK or USA, it’s only a village and not dangerous. So I have always known this fear is my own.

I could see people, and people who looked seriously ill but without problem I could keep their vibes, their ‘atmosphere’ of them out of me. YEAH, I AM HEALED. 🙂 I have finally found that outer layer that I felt I was missing all my life. The feeling that I am a radio receiving all kinds of input but without the ability to choose a sender or block that what I do not like. I am tired now. Or more: I can finally feel how tired I get from keeping up the barriers. God I hope this effect stays with me. I can finally feel safe inside my body.

Happy that I quit, happy that I found what I was looking for because not being able to close myself of to the vibes I get from other people is one of the things that make me drink, that make me anti-social and that make me fearful, aggressive and tired. I feel that I can FINALLY start living my own life instead of mine unconsciously mixed with 10.000 others.

Happy that I quit. Proud that I have kept on looking to heal myself. And funny, funny, funny that this is with the mineral fluor that actually made me decide to quit drinking in the first place. Gheghegheghe. I got a fluoride poisoning from going to the dentist; heart palpitations and stomach ache. I was in the store and my intuïtion forced me to buy milk, while at that time I did not drink milk so I was struggling against this internal voice. I came home and Googled ‘stomach ache, heart palpitations’ and Google said: fluoride  poisoning, drink milk :-). I did, and the pain went away and I thought; I know me, I can feel my way out of this disease called alcohol addiction. And that is when I decided to quit on my own. For me that was a wise decision. Specifically now because I would not have found this fluoride again if I had gone into rehab. I am guessing what I experience now is the most important experience in my life so far. Wow. Happy that I quit.

The salt works on flexibility too. And just as I was thinking on how more flexible my feet were today and how I could continue to have this during my older age, this woman comes along with here kids in a bakfiets (that’s how the Dutch bring kids to school) and she says to them ‘You can do gymnastics at age 100 if you want.’. Exactly! Which could mean that I still do not have that extra layer to protect me from picking up thoughts or sending them. Hmmm :-/. No, no matter, this is clear and funny and thing is: it does not feel like it connects to my inside anymore, it is not a threat anymore. My body has become my own. Wow.

I did buy a ticket to the lottery, just to prove that I still need to work for stuff. Which in itself is a stupid notion. I realise now that I do not appreciate things that come without struggle. Expect everything to be difficult. I don not have to do that. I could practise on thinking I can receive things easily in stead of thinking that I have to work hard to wrestle my share from the gods. Ghegheghe. All these new notions in my head, it is amazing. I am high as a kite on happiness and all the posibilities that are just here now I am sober and looking for healing. Feeling my way back into life. I am there! Hello! I’m here! I’m happy!

I can feel soupleness surrounding me as a warm cloud. Gone is the cold rigidity I normally feel. My neck and shoulders feel so souple now. Wow. Wow and a little scary. That rigidity is good for not drinking. Hmmm. Ghegheghe, need to find another no. But the no I don’t drink because I am happy as I am is a possibility now. Need to watch how this unfolds. Don’t want to think about it now, though it would be very wise. Yes it is very wise to think about that now because my energetic wall against booze has just crumbled in the newly found souple aura. Gheghe. Nope, not going to go there now.

I am curious how this Calcium fluoratum works. They say that fluor from toothpaste blocks your pineal gland which is also called ‘the third eye’ where the intuïtion is seated. As I notice it does influence my intuition but not in a bad way now, it helps me to keep stuff out. That’s only good. Maybe this is connected differently. Don’t know. Wow, it feels like I have my own body back. If you would have asked ‘is your body yours?’ I would have answered ‘no’ but I did not conciously know that I did not feel it as mine.

I have worked with homeopathic medicine before. I believe they work as to transfer subtle  information on the how the good state of being is. They sort of tap on the aura or somewhere in the body and say “you need to pay attention to healing this, and the good picture looks like  this’. The more potentiated the homepathic stuff is, the more subtle the message, the more it speaks to the layers outside the body. These Schussler salts I use are not potentiated, so they are the real molecule of the stuff. I feel like they fix a missing supply in the body. I can imagine that after years of drinking and stress there is some stuff missing. 🙂 Well, happy that this has been put on my road. 🙂

What I want: for this effect to actually stay and for it to help me deal with that weird issue of being a radio without working buttons.

What I need: food, it’s dinnertime.

Have a nice evening! ❤

And of course a disclaimer: if you want to go using the Schussler cell salts for yourself, do so, but I’m not a doctor so don’t just go following what I did please.

Physical and mental changes part x

I haven’t been writing a lot and I guess that has been because something inside has settled. On the 30th of December I went to a wise woman, the mother of a friend of a friend and former therapist who is/was specialised in Bach Remedies, Schussler salts, Tarot, Homeopathy, chakra reading and healing and several other things. I went there because I felt one of my issues with planning and not working things through or finalising it is actually a chakra issue.

She told me something about disease and alcohol and said: ‘There is nothing wrong with partying ever so now and then. Shake stuff off, wake up in a new day. But doing that on a regular base is destructive. What you did is leave  the door open for too long. So it does not close anymore. If you drink now, you will go all the way.’ I needed to hear that in these words to understand how it works energy wise. And now my substance addiction has a place in my brain: it is an open door to a world where I do not want to go and I have learned to walk past it without going in.

She also said: ‘You have quit, I think that is marvelous, it is so amazing to see people quit their addiction. Now make sure you move on with your Life because that is what you came for. You left the alcohol behind you, also leave that life behind you and stop berating yourself over it. Continue living. All in all, it has been important but it is only one door, you won’t go in there anymore and there are a million of opportunities in life. You came to this world to live, not to look  back, stay stuck and hang around in something you actually quit.’

Hearing that changed things inside me then. I feel like I can actually look into the world again. And the mentioning of ‘it is only one door’ made me realise that, even though it is a very good idea to stay away from that door; the universe is bigger than only my alcohol drenched past. And since then I did not feel so much like blogging and somehow I found back my ability to do stuff and my trust in me.

She gave me one of the Schussler salts too. It works miracles on my blood pressure and sleep. With the first pills I could actually feel my muscles relax through my whole body. That has not happened since, well, I don’t know. It feels like 10 years or so. That was marvellous, and NO WONDER I have high blood pressure. The relaxing helps me realise when I get into a state. So that’s good too. I got some other salts too for things I feel I am lacking. But more on that in another post.

All in all, the understanding of addiction through the image of the door, the salts, all of it somehow finally helps me to do stuff. Like cleaning up without moaning about it, actually even liking it and….writing letters of application. Yes! I did send out 2 applications. What?!! Yes, I did! I had till the 5th of January to react so it finally went out on January the 4th, 23:56 hours, but I did it. YEAH!!!!!!  NEW!!!!

I spend days and days behind the screen crying over my lost past, writing my CV and being happy about all the experience I have and then crying about me having wasted it all and feeling unable to do something with it and back to feeling happy about my experience. Mood swings, but healing now. I took the time to see where I started to berate myself and where I would put an effort in feeling way, way better than my peers.

I also screwed up my chances at the 2nd job forever by calling them with questions about the vacancy. It had a title ‘coordinator’ and ran 3 pages (!) from ‘being superbly technical’, ‘absolutely creative’, ‘cleaning machines’, ‘customer contact’,  ‘setting up educational material and giving courses’, ‘drawing up contracts’, ‘managing the staff’ and ‘organising events’. HR most obviously did NOT have a look at this; when you take that seriously they ask for 4 different people in one. I am smiling at that now and but when having the conversation with the head of the department was there in my tone too. So I can screw the 2nd job but I did send out the letter and that is GOOD. I do see now how I get attracted to a function in an environment that puts out a vacancy for somebody that ‘can do everything’. My delusional self would think that would be me.

And I was going to write a whole theory on disease here, but I don’t feel like working it out.

What I want: I want life to be easier than it is. But that is BS because loads of people have it harder and I am EXACTLY at the point that my life is all about: finally dealing with negativity, presentation, contact and reincarnating, finally dealing finances – not always making enough to not have to worry about it. That is not dealing.

What I need: follow my path and get rid of my blood pressure medication and to get back to exercising at least an hour a day. I’ve been doing half hours for the last 3 days. I came from 1 * 50mg and am at 2 * 12,5mg now since yesterday. Haha, I can feel how it used to dampen my responses to stress because I get road rage again while biking. 😀 Ghegheghe, dealing with that too ‘Getting angry or stressed out is not going to get you there any sooner. You might as well relax and enjoy your ride, wouldn’t that be much nicer?’

Also changing: I have actually, for the FIRST time in my life said to myself ‘You may want some more chocolate now, but how will you feel in 15 minutes? This stuff makes you feel bad in large quantities.’ NEW!! NEW!!! It’s not even about the chocolate that is new, the whole concept of thinking ahead and ‘battling’ with a desire is new. Well, in this way it is. Saying that, I suddenly don’t know how I quit drinking. Aaah, I did not reason with me. AAAH, NO WAY! No reasoning with addiction. Addiction is as addiction does. No use in reasoning with it. :-D. Well, the other thing is NEW and I felt so adult suddenly. And American! Because I only know this line of thinking from American tv series :-).

Also new in the Should situation: I have taken a strict approach to dealing with stuff. When I catch a ‘I should actually….’ I tell myself either to do it or to stop worrying about it. That creates a lot of clarity in my mind. NEW! And it makes me realise that I obviously can not do everything that I want in a day. NEW! The ‘I should’ issue can only live in an environment of arrogance where I think I can do anything. I can’t, but even when writing this there is this voice saying: ‘Pfff, of course you can, you just have to put yourself to it’. I want to believe that. When drinking I did believe it. I guess that’s how I ruined my business: not doing stuff and still thinking I could. That is a NEW painful insight. Brrr….

And I keep on apologizing to my mother on blowing her inheritance money and my life but it does not work because I am still angry with her over not protecting me. And there is something funny about  that sentence / concept of thinking. That is another subject for another day.

Another thing; food has lost its fascination. Don’t know how that happened but I get irritated over ‘having to eat’. NEW!! Let’s see how this progresses. I have a chocolate bar in the cupboard, it has been there for 3-4 days now. If I feel like it there is something that says; ‘You could also have a tangerine if you want sugar.’ NEW!!! WEIRD!!! Might have to do with now I move on from being ill that I do not need rewards anymore. Not sure. Actually I expect this disinterest in food to change back to ‘normal’ pretty soon.

What I need: what I need is more joy in my life so I signed up with a group that plays board games. Nice, nice. It is open to kids as well so I am guessing it is alcohol free. And if it is not? Ha! More chances on winning! :-D. The Facebook group is really nice. A guy telling about a dream he had on new game concepts and people being excited about the first after Christmas gathering so they could try out their new games. Nice! I am excited.

What I also need is to continue my road and start dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s. But since the talk and the Schussler salts there is finally something in me that wants to return to society. Now I am sober the world does not look half as bad as it did before. 🙂 NEW!

Very fucking happy that I quit. Sometimes proud of it. Finally proud of the approach I take to being sober: this constant self-care in tiny details right up to the border where I can still handle it. I still feel I am going (too) slow but if I just start with something, even if it is slow, then I will finish one day. And that beats not starting.

Hope you liked reading this. I am guessing that the longer I do not write, the longer the posts are.

Have a nice day. 🙂

3 Months and 159 posts further

3 Months sober today. 🙂 I think I’ve done well. By now I’m experimenting a little with the level of self-care that I need. I was getting tired of always taking care and continuously thinking of NOT drinking – but I’m guessing that is a dangerous road that needs to be treaded carefully. Washing my face because I have been kissed on the cheek by somebody that oozed alcohol is still a good idea, taking 4 meals a day in order to prevent low blood sugar levels is not necessary anymore because I have stabilized a more.

I don’t worry anymore of going to places where there are people drinking, it has become like not smoking now; I don’t because it is awful.  Having said that…. I do have tiny, tiny little thoughts on drinking or impulses so now and then. Specifically at changing scenes that surround leaving a place or event. Most likely this relates to my former drinking behaviour where I would drink 2-3 glasses around people, go home and ‘fill up’. Ieeehks. I am now paying extra attention to entrances and exits.

There is this HALT abbreviation and it says to prevent hunger, anger, loneliness and being tired. For me hunger (low blood sugar levels) and being tired are most dangerous. I don’t get angry easily and loneliness is something that might, I don’t know, have not paid a lot of attention to.

I’ve become more social lately with 2-3 social meetings in a week, sometimes 4. That is a little too much for me. I used to have a friend who had been addicted to soft- and harddrugs. We used to meet for diner in the city and after dinner she would go home immediately because she (said she) was tired. I never understood. Now I do. It takes a hell of a lot more energy to neatly present myself according to my new socially polite standards than it does to drink, let my aura hang loose and say and do whatever I thought was funny. Specifically staying centered, really listening and not pushing my story is something I consciously practice. And yes, that is still in practise phase. (Last night at singing lessons we ran late because I was last on stage 😀 )

Still not getting on with my life. That worries me. But with what I learn every day I guess, well, that is how it is for now. Small changes are happening, like cleaning the house more often because I see that it is dirty and do not shrink into myself anymore in order to avoid seeing it. There was denial in my housekeeping too. AND do not moan about it to myself anymore because I am (starting to) accept(ed) that I will do what I can do. Also, I am starting to like to sit still and just listen. My cat fell asleep on my lap last week, in all the 4 years that she has lived here she only started to sit on my lap since I quit.

Happy that I quit, a little tired of the work, but I guess I need to up the fun more with social activities and learning on a personal level like singing or theatre and… work (?).

Being sober so far is about The Decision and maintaining it constantly. It is about listening to myself, taking care of EVERY tiny issue before it becomes a big one. It is about shaping the circumstances in which that is doable like eating healthy, getting the right nutrients in, sleeping enough, being with the right people.

And sobriety to me is very much about knowledge too: reading the books and blogs of those who went before us on the sober path and learning from that.

And it is about self-exploration, about being honest to myself in real life; The Middle. The Middle is not very clear yet but it is coming. This is where it was/is difficult to deal because it is about really being and not about the made-up, glorified self I liked to be. Or, on the other extreme; the made-up stupid self I hated to be – or possibly liked because it also prevented me from dealing with what really IS.

Of course being sober is about blogging too :-). The blogging forces me to think about what I am doing and feeling. Now I’ve come to 3 months it is starting to be like a little history too which is somehow cool. It is also about getting to know you, reading about your struggles and triumphs and normal days, knowing that you are out there and that I am not the only one walking this road. That is good. And… of course I am very happy with you reading my blogs, liking posts (yes I like that 🙂 ), commenting, adding, informing me.

Last but not least: sobriety is about becoming my true self while throwing away the rubbish and dealing with the issues that are keeping me away from being aligned with my spirit.

Additional physical and psychological changes

Earlier I did some posts on physical and psychological changes that I notice on my mission to become clear. The current physical changes are small but important, well, to me. Very exciting. Well, again, to me. I am happy about them :-).

PHYSICAL CHANGES

– One that I am very happy about: the fluffy down like hairs that start at my ears and run to the middle of my cheeks are disappearing. Not sure if it is because of not drinking or because of taking kelp pills and therefore improving the workings of an important gland, forgot the name, and thus reducing the hairs.

– My sleeping improved big time when I quit drinking and then got a little worst and now with help of some herbal tea has greatly improved again. One night I actually slept without waking up once. It is AMAZING how much energy I had when waking up. Expressed in figures that is 3 times as much. No wonder I don’t get to do so much. By now I think that ‘Do you sleep well?’ should be the number 1 question of every doctor in this world.

– Since a day or two I can feel the area behind my shoulder blades starting to relax. Friends noticed that my posture has changed: ‘Huh? Have you grown taller since last week?’ 🙂 Guessing it is good. And… and… they mentioned: ‘You are opening up.’ 🙂 NEW!!!

PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES

– I have a extensive library with movies on DVD – yeah, showing my age… – but I don’t like them anymore. NEW!!! All these movies have this ‘quick fix’ quality to it. Guess it is time for a library and museum card.

– Long intro: A few days ago I went to a store opening from a friend of mine. I had expected that it was sort of private event because I got this one line mail ‘dropping by for a drink at 18:00 hours?’ invitation – which amongst the two of us is not unfriendly or impolite though it did work out to be a tiny bit impractical. I replied that I was going to drop by but that I did not drink anymore. I like doing that upfront so I don’t have to deal with their first reaction in real life.

We go way back so I went and thought: It is going to be as usual; crate of beer, bag of chips, have a drink and chat, see what the store is going to be like when it is finished. This time I don’t drink and I did not feel like bringing flowers or booze (obviously) so I fried up some eco chicken wings. I did think of dressing up nicely because I am hoping to find a job in this field so whatever the occasion, showing up in my old jeans was not going to do it. Thus I arrived with my greying hair al nice, fresh and curly, me polished, a little make-up (NEW!!!), a tiny bit of parfume (NEW!!), dress, boots… and yes, a box with fried chicken wings. 😀

The event worked out to be a party….. with loads of succesful people from the industry, a Italian buffet and I and my hidden box with chicken wings. I was a little flustered but all I had to do was breathe and remind myself of my newly discovered skills of centering, keeping the bad stuff out and wanting to really connect with people.

I did. I reminded myself that ‘they can drink but I don’t have to’, ‘I can leave whenever I want to’, straightened my back and smiled to make it appear that belonged and walked in.  And yes, sorry for the posing, but this is business too.  Went to say hi to the host and all of a sudden, I was in a conversation with a nice guy who was explaining about his therapy and personal growth path. Yes, you read that correctly: guy + personal growth path + speaking about it publicly. No, not gay. (Yes, prejudice.) The evening continued and I found out that the host was not drinking either because ‘there needs to be someone who is sober’. NEW!!!

This is a long long intro to the point in psychological change I am getting to. I met 3 guys that separately from each other told me that they had stepped down in ambition and started working for themselves so they can manage their own hours because they have an ambitious wife. They decided to not do the race to the top but just open their own toko to create some rest in their life, take care of the kids and allow their partner to do their racing.

What is new? NEW!! Is that I normally only meet man who are very demeaning towards women and say things like ‘Pffff, my wife thinks that she has something to say about her yoga classes. Well, not on my evening out.’ Or ‘I wanted to go to Asia but my wife was moaning about the long trip and the children but hey, I am paying so we went.’

And during one of the fun and serious conversation we had, one of the above men actually teared up over something I said that he thought was very beautiful. NEW!! New that I meet men that can listen and be touched by what is going on. Yes I make this about me, not about him. 😀

Thirdly new: we spoke about the an experience where I discovered that I put grieve between me and all things happening in my world. So no matter what is going on I only tend to see the bad stuff happening. The conversation continued and half an hour later one of the guys replies to a sentence of mine: ‘This is where you are putting grieve between you and a good experience.’ He was right. I was. And this is so NEW!!! No, not that he was right…. (well, a little..) but that I (yes I make this is about me again…) meet people (MEN! Yes, sorry…. Well, sorry-ish) who really listen and without wanting to outsmart me, relate back to what I exposed of myself. NEW!!!

By now you might be wondering: Were there women too? Yes, there were a few but they were all 15-20 years younger, drinking and looking ready to adore the handsome men that were there. Of whom a few were drinking and longing to be adored. So no, I did not speak with the girls. That would be really, really new. 🙂 They were all drinking like crazy, is that a good excuse?

What else was new? I could handle myself without drinking no problem. I have never really experienced that as a problem but I notice now events like these are way better without the booze.  NEW!!! But also thanks to Debra Fine, the author of one of my favorite books: ‘The fine art of small talk’ who/that has tought me a lot in this. Read it online in a pdf form or better: buy it. The title is a bit off; it is not about gossipy small talk, it is about conversations, how to start and maintain them and all the social insecurities that may go with it and how to counter these. Really a good book for the sober tool box.

I left the party when an old friend (one of those that I slowly let go) turned to the serious drinking and I did not want to be in his line of sight when he would look up from his glass.

I did eat chicken wings for breakfast, lunch and diner the next day. 🙂

I am happy that I quit but back to the ‘why does it take so much energy’ because it does take a lot of energy and I need to re-adjust now I can’t zoom out with a movie anymore because my taste in movies has changed. But! New books comming on Monday. And maybe it is time to start visiting AA. (Did I really say that?)

Additional physical and mental changes

I did posts on the physical and mental changes of sobriety before, then added and added a little more in an other post  and here are again some additions.

PHYSICAL

– My saliva has changed. Not sure if you care to know…. true, true. But I am going to note it down and digress… My saliva used to be rather thick and leave a white film on my tongue and in the morning I would not even swallow but have a shower and spit and clear my throat. Yes, yes, this could be put in my CV when I apply for docker. Now it has changed to what I, well, can’t recall actually, but is has gone back to normal (magic, magic word). It is thin and feels healthy. Not sure how that happened but I would not be afraid to kiss in the morning and the cat is not stearing away from me anymore either.

Did I tell you I changed to fluor free toothpaste? Fluor is bad, toxic, look it up and it seems to block out our intuition. Can’t have that! So I got the salty, fluor free sort. I do need to rinse very thoroughly afterwards otherwise I think the residue dries out my tongue over night. But maybe that is just a leftover of years of drinking.

My tongue still has the indents and it still scares me but tomorrow I will FINALLY get together with the nutrition friend on this.

– I am still slowly losing weight, I do not pay attention to it anymore because all the paying attention to everything worked out a bit too stressful. But tomorrow I will speak with the nutritionist and see where we go.

– I would like to improve the function of my bowels first. I feel they have been hurt by years of alcohol abuse. (If you are not into dirty details now is the time to skip to the next paragraph, no, the one after that actually.) I still have diarrhea practically every day. Not good. I am afraid it lessens the ability to take up nutrients.

It is not so bad that it bothers me in my movements or is embarrassing but it is there. I think my bowels are still irritated and want to throw everything out. But it could also be that I drink too much tea, or the wrong herbs, or because of cold feet, or that I am allergic to something or should not eat ginger or, don’t know. I would really appreciate if somebody who knows how this should work and when, could comment on this. Is it going to change in time?

– My ability to focus is still improving, I noticed that because peeing takes twice as long (at the same speed). It is now 3 times as long. Did you want to know that? Not?

– I still have a big ‘dislike’ (?) against physical labour but when I do it, it is really nice.

– My hair is feeling better, less dry, less damaged. I have about 4-5cm of gray now. I quit dying when I decided I wanted become clear, quit drinking and do that by myself. IMMEDIATELY the urge to dye my hair left me. 🙂

MENTAL

– Unlike you might think from my posts that go up and down like a rollercoaster I do feel that there is something stabilizing. And I do guess that my idea of ‘normal’ has a way higher level of excitement than most people.

– A while ago I thought I could start working again, right now. But by now I know I really need to take it easy. Situations like meeting ‘the elderly blond god’ catch me off guard and make me realise that I am too extreme still in my emotions to be doing a lot of other things than practising my sober legs.

– I noticed a while ago that I have these ‘stories’ in my head. They are either very bad and this and that and everything bad will happen – or they are fairytale like and I am a Cinderella or succesful business manager or…. Well, the Cinderella in recovery, but everything will be all right in a sec. I got the impression that this is part of addictive thinking and paid more attention to it and found them not functional. Funny how these stories too, lose their attraction with thinking ‘well, I am not there yet.’ and ‘we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.’ Those are my variations on ‘one day at the time.’

– I sleep even better. I still wake up about 3 times at night but I turn over and continue sleeping. Some times I don’t even notice that the cat works makes her nest on top of me.

– My dreams are boring, boring, boring, that is a bit of a bummer because when getting sober I thought I was going to have beautiful dreams and all (would be ok, blablabla, Cinderella).

– I like myself better. 🙂 And I have found a handle somewhere when it comes to berating and punishing myself mentally. I found that it NEVER EVER gets me to do the stuff that I need to do. Saying: ‘You can do it, just give it a try.’ works 10 times better than ‘stupid b. get your lazy fat ass away from the computer and do your admin!’ Not there yet because I still use the change in voice to get me to do what I think I need to do and I still, somehow, feel that I should be punished for not being what I was supposed to be. There is a thought I need to look into. Not now. Done too much soul-searching lately, getting out of balance. Cleaning the house is good.

Maybe there is a hint of general shame here too that says that it is ‘not done’ to like yourself. Specifically not if you are failing as a human. I actually just deleted 3 sentences about why I like me. Again: I like me because I think I am funny. My head comes up with all these funny, weird thoughts that give all kinds of insights into matters from different angles and make me laugh and that helps with nasty shit :-). I do claim the right to laugh at my own jokes. That is not working yet, but I think it should be a right. Like being ugly. Also not very accepted. Not that I am ugly. G! Can’t let it go, still need to add that. 🙂

And now I need to start doing stuff because friends are coming over for diner tonight and the house needs cleaning badly. 🙂

Funny, I think writing is not doing stuff. While it helps me BIG TIME in becoming clear. Hmmm.

Additional physical and mental changes

I did a post on physical and mental changes before, and thought it would be a good thing to add everything in there when time proceeds, but I feel it becomes a mess. So here’s another post on the subject. End of this week I am 2 months sober.

PHYSICAL 6 weeks:

My hands do not shake anymore and my A4 paper test is clean. (Pick up a piece of paper, hold it in one hand and see if the point shakes or trembles)

My skin has become even softer, I have lost 5 kilo’s but also gained 2 because I changed my diet to eating 4 times a day while I did not change the portions. Yes, smart…. And with the softening of my body that used to be so tense that even the skin was tense, in my new relaxation my boobs sag :-(. Well, so be it.

My muscle’s seem to build quickly as they used to before I started drinking heavily.

I crave protein but that’s ok I guess. And sometimes the sugar cravings are really bad. Last week I binged on 3 cookies which is very abnormal behaviour for me. Not sure how to continue on this.

My sense of smell seems to be getting better. I never knew that could be impaired with drinking.

I am less in need of drinking tea all the time.

I am still worried about my scalloped tongue and continuous diarrhea. (yeah, sorry for mentioning). Going to see my GP on that because a scalloped tongue is a sign of not picking up nutrients. diarrhea might cause that.

MENTAL

I am able to focus better. How did I notice? When I go to the toilet I can sit peeing for ages because I was obviously too fascinated to go sooner.

Also I don’t get thrown about the room so much anymore by my feelings. I am guessing that ranting here actually helps to let them out. And I am less scared that they take me places where I can’t hold on to my sanity or sobriety. I actually enjoy looking at the darker parts of my inner realm now. Like the post of yesterday. Still thinking that the cure is always there where I don’t want to go. It’s a little bit difficult to navigate but so far it has brought me good stuff to be aware of where I don’t ‘want to go’ or ‘what I am scared of’ or ‘what I try to ignore’.

Sleep is getting worse again. Not sure why. Could be the sugar, or not. Don’t know. I fall asleep ok and then wake up 5 or 6 times. I do fall asleep again within a minute but still. I just want to sleep.

Still procrastination. Still having difficulty being on time for appointments.

I am not worried about my memory so much anymore, I played memory with a friend and lost once and won once. I noticed that most of the cards only took 1 or 2 tries in finding its partner. If you like memory too, try the twins memory game. It is really sweet. And difficult! And there is a second set so you can extend after a while.

Starting to feel that I can and need to get out into the world again in order to make money. I feared that trust would never return. So I’m quickly going to the sauna to sabotage this work feeling. Yes, true. No matter the crazy, that like yesterday, still has it’s place in my life, I am starting to feel like I used to before drinking. The word would be ‘able’ in stead of ‘unable’.

Also I am starting to feel that I am not dependent on blogging anymore to keep me sane and on track. I can step away, like last week, for a few days and live through that. It is just a feeling of possibility, not practising it yet. No need.

I discovered what people seem to call ‘the fanatic in the attic’ in me. Trying to sort out how that works. It is going to be a thing because that has always been the case. It has to do with feeling secure.

On feeling secure in my sobriety. I think I’m doing fine. Apart from not working but by now I do have the idea that I am able to do that. That has been missing before. But I also know that it is an addiction and past performance does not guarantee future results. So I need to keep on feeling my way back into life. Did a big step yesterday. Yes, that would be the crazy post on being human.

FUNNY

I spontaneously started making my bed in the morning. Duh?! And I clean it more often than I ever did.

All of a sudden I have lost my apatite for tomatoes, bell peppers, peppers and egg plants, which are vegetables that I craved when drinking. Very strange.