52 Celebrities who do not drink alcohol

Here are 52 celebrities who do not drink alcohol. I am sharing to counteract the drinking idiocy in this world.

And since I got your attention a little WordPress tip about adding internet links to your WordPress post. Ever so now and then I go in teaching mode, today is the day.

PUTTING LINKS IN YOUR POSTS

You can add links to other internet pages by clicking the Insert/edit link button in the button bar in the top:

A pop-up appears:

URL
In the top field URL you copy-paste the full internet address (http://…… ) to the page you want to link to. You can actually link back to your own posts as well. See below under ‘Link to existing content’.

LINK TEXT
In the second box ‘Link Text’ you can write text, a word or a sentence,  which appears blue in your post. When people click this link they will be linked to the link you proposed.

I mainly do not type in the Link Text box. I do it the other way around: I select the text in my post which I want to turn blue and then press the Link/edit button. This way the ‘to be linked to text’ is already automatically filled in in the Link Text field.

OPEN LINK IN A NEW WINDOW/TAB
Check this box so that your reader will open the link in a new browser tab. This is a good option because they will not have to press the ‘Page back’ button to return to your post. They can just close the tab of the linked page and automatically come back to your post  and read the rest. Why is this important? Well, some external sites do not even let the reader return to your original post! So the reader needs to restart WordPress, find your post, check where they left off and then continue reading. :-(. Checking this box prevents all of that.

LINK TO EXISTING CONTENT
First time you use ‘Insert/edit link’ this list could be empty, not sure. After that it fills with the links you have used before and the headers of posts you have written before (more recently). Scroll up and down to find links and select by clicking them.

CANCEL / ADD
Add the link to your post by clicking the Add button. And obviously Cancel if you want to cancel.

EDIT LINK
If there is something wrong with the link in your post you can select the link in your text by clicking the blue text. A small pop-up will appear. Pressing the pencil button will bring you back to the edit mode. Pressing the x button will remove the link.

I just removed the above link and then realised that I had closed the tab with the external link I was linking to. So I pressed Ctrl – Shift – T simultaneously. This restores tabs which you have closed. Pressing this button combination several times restores all the tabs which you have closed in the session you had in this browser. Ctrl. – Shift – T does not work after closing and reopening your browser. When you need to find historical internet pages after that having closed your browser you can open the browser again and browse through its history – there is a button for that somewhere. Unless obviously your safety settings are on  automatically deleting browser history.

FYI: I found out that with Ctrl – Shift – T I can actually return INTO my online banking program without entering my username and password again! So…. always logout when using online banking programs, never just close the tab.

Hope this post has been of help to somebody. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Mostly because now there is a possibility to take my life into my own hands. Not that I am using the possibility yet but I guess that is exactly the next step in un-addicting. I quit drinking, was stoked about that, came into trouble and developed other, less harmful, addictions but still…  So there still is this big need to ‘not exist’ as I call it. And a lot of what I do in daily life, Netflixing, eating, being busy at work, having problems, getting lost in them, getting lost in depression, is part of how my addictive personality prefers to deal with life. Somehow I thing that self-destruction is safer and less painful than living and being present. And every time I consider this and try to feel into the situation of living and being alive I immediately connect that to falling victim to sexual predators. They don’t want sex so much as they want Life’s energy, to feel alive. When I play dead it will not happen. The other day I heard myself say in despair “I did not gain 30 kilo’s and turn grey to still be harassed!” that’s eh, and eye opener.

So, not living keeps me safe from pain. If I look at that behaviour from an addiction standpoint one could say that I choose to not live in order to not feel. That is an addiction to misery. I want to control my feelings by taking the dark look upon life. When I am sitting here writing this it is all very clear. And it is very clear how it is not helping me. And judging by my heart rate now it is also very clear that I am scared of changing.

Which brings me to my judgement about alternative medicine. On the one side I just love what I find in the fringes and outskirts of the medical world. On the other side I feel I ‘should be able to do this on my own’. I do not understand that. Ooh, yes! I do! It is the reverse logic of ‘if I do not go to the doctor, I am not ill’. :-). If I do not take extra care of me, it proves that there is nothing wrong with me. Ghegheghe…. I had that conversations with my mother once actually. She ‘invented’ this reverse logic of not going to the doctors.

Choice is what we have been given. I think it is good for me to to try this concept instead of being thrown around by everything and nothing. 🙂 Let’s see.

If I let go of my judgement about what I should be, what life should be like, what I should be able to do (transform my personality without external help) I can actually live and suddenly all kinds of possibilities open up. It is funny in a not so funny way, this denial of help. I do not want other people pushing me, pressing me, energetically racing in and trying to change stuff within me. I guess if that is how I view help I do not welcome it. Logical. So when looking for help I need to take into consideration that not everybody is able to give that what I need. Actually I realise I have this perception that if I need help, I am stupid, so I need to accept whatever people put on me and deal with them putting me down over it.

There is arrogance and pride in that from my side too: the assumption that needing help is stupid. Also I am thinking asking for help never used to be free. I associate being helped with others being irritated about that, being put down by helpers exactly disregarding what I ask for because they feel that I am not worthy of asking what I need,  sighing, anger, irritation. The trade being: if I help you I get to put you down, to feel better than you and make you feel stupid. Much irritation and judgement. Guess that is a good enough reason to be afraid of it. 🙂

But I am happy that I quit, so I can actually have a look at those assumptions and possibly change the unhealthy ones. 🙂

A woman who loves herself would go let the cat in, have a shower, go outside, walk, do some shopping, cook something according to my new Ottolengi book and read a book tonight. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober weekend. Do not forget to pay attention to the Halloween time of the year:  take time to sleep so you can dream well and see what messages come through from the others side of the veil. 🙂

xx, Feeling

I’m off the fence when it comes to Teal Swan

Not about me, not about sobriety but a beautiful example of being human. And it is also my support to somebody who helped me greatly.

I have learned a lot from Teal. I have also doubted her and expressed clearly that she is not to everybody’s taste. This video changed that within me. It is about taking stance AND being vulnerable and open at the same time. I had difficulty ‘finding’ her as a human. For future reference for myself I would like to mention (to me :-)) that the part around 0:50 where she explains what different parts her character is built up off made clear what difficulty I had.

Teal has a lot of antagonists who actually attack her in all kinds of ways. This video is an answer to them because their ways by now affect her daily life and that of her loved ones so badly that she can not not react.

“What would a woman who loves herself do?” comes from her.

 

A woman who loves herself would go to bed. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I am daring to do all kinds of special stuff at work, I just (?) let go off doubting myself and went with what I thought is ok. Well, I had no choice I think. Rock-bottom situation flipping upside down. There is no ground so solid as rock-bottom.

Wishing you all a good night/day ❤ ❤ ❤

xx, Feeling

There is hope :-) <3

Yay! You can’t believe what has been handed to me, on a plate…. I’m back. Well, not yet, but I have hopes I could be. Happy now. 🙂

Since my boat started sinking I have been seeing my GP once a week. Just to ‘keep check on me’. She’s a homeopathic doctor with a GP license. She believes in people healing themselves and she is willing to help that process along with her knowledge and intuition. I like that. What I like about her is that she cares, but let me decide what I do or do not want and she does not push things on me. I like that too. 🙂

When I spoke with her about the vanishing twin, me feeling not ‘incarnated’ in this world and lacking self-care she pointed me at the site of Tinus Smits. Smits is a Dutch homeopathic doctor who, as I understand it, focussed on matching homeopathic medicine to different layers of development of the human being. And with that he found, as most doctors would I guess, that some medicine speak to the body very well, and others more to the mind and then finally to the spirit and the connection of the spirit to the universe. (these are my words to how I understand what is written on the website)

Well, this morning I did a little reading through the several (rather funny…) medicines on the site I found:

• people low in self-care
• missing ‘a layer’, not able to filter impressions out, not able to stand up for themselves
• extremely sensitive to impressions, feelings of others, food.
• unaware of what feelings belongs to them and what belongs to the other
• the feeling of not being incarnated in this body / world
• indulging in sweetness and chocolate
• emotionally unstable (I assume you noticed? :-D)
• hypoglycemia, obesity, eating disorders
• feeling/experiencing a lack of attention and love

Quotes from the website of Tinus Smits:

The essence of Vernix caseosa is insufficient separation of its own energy fields from the energy outside.

In such a state we are the playing ball of energies coming from outside, mixed up with our own energy creating chaos inside. This can force us in an attitude of taking distance to protect our selves, of staying home because we need the protection of our house as a second shield. We have to avoid watching TV, to listen to the radio, to read the journal and have only superficial contacts with other people. But this is only a plaster on a bleeding wound. Or we can be completely overwhelmed by all these outer energies, not knowing how to canalize them, not aware of what happens. Many of these patients are so vulnerable that they are continuously in a state of emotional imbalance. Vernix therefore can be of wonderful help at a certain moment in our live, when we have the feeling that we are overwhelmed and unable to defend ourselves. It enables us to build up a natural separation between our own energy and the outside energy.

And now for the part which might…. sound a little funny to those who are not familair with homeopathy. Herewith my laymen’s explanation of things:

We use vaccines to inoculate people against whatever diseases. In those vaccines medical firms put weakened viruses of the diseases. The body reacts to the vaccine by making anti-bodies and therewith strengthening itself. That are vaccins.

Now there is isopathy: isopathy works sort of the same… but uses not only viruses but also ‘chocolate’ or ‘dog hairs’ if you will, in a diluted version to make the body aware of having to build up some strength against those. In isopathy this dog hair would be used to cure an allergy against dog hair.

Take it one step further and you dilute the dog hair* to ‘infinity’, even so far that you do have any molecules of the dog hair in the remedy, there is still a possibility that the solution cures the allergy against dog hair.  I am not sure how it works. If I would be able to prove it scientifically I would be rich. Or dead, more likely. :-D. But I do not really need an explanation for this because  I have seen transformations and healings with people and animals alike so I don’t really worry about it. I try to find explanations for others though. One of the might be that we all know that an insight in something (like really realising that drinking is not good… to ‘just’ name one 😉 )  can transform people. Just like that. There has been no exchange of matter, but still there is change. Same with love, with kind words, with sending virtual hugs. 🙂 Not everything that is tangible has value or has transformative impact, not everything that is not tangible lacks value or lacks transformative qualities. Or in short: there are more things in heaven an earth.

Funny comparison on a sober blog actually, only realising the double meaning of dog hair – ‘Taking a hair of the dog that bit you’ is an English saying meaning that one drinks alcohol in the morning to ‘cure’ a hangover.

Well, vaccines to isopathy to diluted isopathy. The next step is homeopathy were you take a material, e.g. common garden nettles and look at what the ‘poison’ of the hairs on the leaves and stem do to the body when we touch it. In me it causes swellings and itching. homeopathy says; if we dilute the nettle we can cure swellings and itching which look like somebody has been stung by nettles. Again, don’t ask me how it works, it just does. PROVIDING: one chooses the correct medicine and the correct dilution and also does not counteract that medicine by eating e.g. mints while taking it. There are a few counter activities but those are minor. The finding of the remedy is the most difficult. I believe for common cold there are about 20 different types of homeopathic solutions. Colds that have been caused by draft, cold rain, anger, sadness. Colds that show white, yellow, green or brown discharge. Colds which appear within a few hours and colds which take days to grow into a full cold. Colds which include sinuses and colds which drop down into the throat and what else we have there. So… yeah… there is a difficulty.

When it comes to dilutions the lower dilutions e.g. D3, D6 and D12 work more on the body while the higher ones like D30, D60, D100 and D1000 work on the mental, emotional, spiritual field.

Ok, so, that was a laymen explanation of homeopathy leading up to the funnyness of the medicine my GP proposed. Hold on to your seats. 🙂

Saccharum-officinale: cane sugar. :-D. For those who lack sweetness in their lives and try to fix that from the outside. I hope this will help me deal with my addiction by helping me find an answer to the spiritual wrong turns I made when developing an addictive personality.

Lac maternum: mothers milk. Yes, from women. Obviously with their permission and with my many thanks because I hope to be able to repair the energetic ‘workings’ of what went wrong in bonding over mothers milk with my mother. That is what I hope for.

Vernix: is made from the sebum of ten different new born babies. Sebum is the white grease newborns have on their skin in the uterus. It protects their skin. I hope this will help me build this missing layer I have felt all of my life. That is what I hope for.

I have this theory that several of the energetic processes in me are not working fully or not working at all. Like being a clock with a few gears broken, others out of whack. That is doable when young and energetic, when old and on a wrong path of addiction with an addictive personality this is killing. Which…. is how it is ‘meant’ to be in the evolution; that which does not function should not procreate and die off. But still, I would rather live happily than ending up dark, work- and friendless.

So…. I am HAPPY that I quit! I am happy that I have this extreme sensitivity which at times is very hard on me (but I guess most on the people around me because I it can make me a real asshole) but in times like this sends me to the right person in the right time. It is a gift. And as gifts go: they can be great, it is also another word for poison. 😀 Well, ain’t I a little ray of pitch black? 😀

Another wonderful experience at the doctor this morning. I said that I believe that sustainable healing begins with the person themselves wanting to heal and looking for solutions. But that I, in the last months had lost that ability and I could only look for help. At which she says: “Looking for help is also something that you do yourself.”

I am happy that I quit. I hope you are happy that you quit too. Or planning to do so. Not saying it is easy – well, the not drinking part was for me fortunately, the living part is a bit more eh, challenging. But I have hope, and something like desire (?) again. A want to do stuff, a want to live. Haha, finally my search for a way ‘out’ might actually help me to find a way in. 🙂

I am happy.

Wishing you a nice sober day/evening/week!

xx, Feeling

#Metoo

The #metoo ‘movement’ is upsetting me so I turned away from news and Facebook. I have difficulty with the negative reactions from ‘everybody’ to women sharing their painful stories. There is a (not so) funny thing to sexual abuse; in my life every man seems to take this heroic stance against it saying things like “If that happened to my girlfriend/daughter I would kill him/cut his balls off and feed them back to him blabalbabla.” But in reality these are the same guys who say things like:

“Now we’ve gotten this far I’m not gonna stop.”
“You want this as bad as I do, I just know it.”
“He meant that as a compliment, not an insult, you can’t go around being offended all the time somebody you don’t know squeezes your ass?! I mean, what would life look like?!”
“If you don’t want the attention you should not have looked at him in the first place.”
“See how she walks, she is asking for it.”
“So why did you go kissing with him anyway?”
“Well, you knew him, it is not like you did not know him and he grabbed you from the streets.”

In one case it was actually a person who stood by laughing when one of his friends pushed his fingers in my vagina. I was 12, it was not wanted, it hurt. I was scared, trembling, fighting in the water. The lifeguard whom I told later spit out: “Go away you, with your, dirty words”.

In my life that is more reality than the killing and cutting off balls. When later in life I told boyfriends, they worry about themselves, about them having picked ‘damaged goods’. The did not worry about me. They just wanted to know, if not know, when I would be ready for sex. To that I got responses about the wrong choice of men. There should be a third hashtag, one that says:

#Ihaveblamedvictimstobeabletodealwithmyowndiscomfortabouttheirpain.

This Friday I had a meeting with a guy from another factory which happens to bake cakes. Opposite the street a blond woman with a short skirt, red high heels tried to open a front door of a office building. She was carrying a box which looked like a cake box and then suddenly tilted it over. We both gasped and then started laughing; ‘Guess there was no cake in that box after all.” He continued: “She works there with 5 guys, only women in the building and she dresses like that.”

“What does that mean to you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you comment on her dressing like she does, but what conclusions do you, as a man draw from what you see?”

I was just really curious, specifically because I could not ‘find’ the woman ‘feelingwise’ – it was like she had dressed up a doll and she was the doll. I felt a big, big disconnect between possible dressing ‘signals’ and behaviour of the woman. So I was wondering how he perceived it – as a man. Come to think of it: wearing 12cm high heels to the office is strange even in the Netherlands but it was Friday so maybe she had an after work party.

“Well, I am wondering if she is looking for something.”
“Something like a relationship or approval for her looks?”
“Yeah, I mean, she is drawing attention to herself. Well, obviously she could be wearing that just because she likes it and it makes her feel good…” (This man has been trained well with politically correct answers, ghegheghe….)
“What bothers me in this whole ‘look what she is wearing’ discussion in this world is the following: For men to be sexy to women they just have to be strong and impressive and make themself seen with decisive, manly behaviour. Whenever you see a man behaving strong and impressive, there is NO-ONE, LITERALLY NO ONE judging him for being too sexual. Have you, in your life, ever told toughest guy of the group to tone down because he is ‘asking for it?’
“Gheghe, no…..” (laughing at the idea)
“The biological AND cultural idea behind women is that they are supposed to be beautiful. That is engrained in our culture. It is what women, girls, babies, well, no matter what gender, everybody grows up with. And the second one women does whatever she grew up with, for whatever reason there is this judgement about her sexuality. First:it is not for anybody to judge. Just. Not. And specifically not if we are not prepared to hold men to the same standards. What is it in this world that we judge a women by their sexuality first and foremost. As in; always and everywhere. And then that it is normal and ok?!
“Eh, yeah, eh, true… hmmm….” (looking surprised at the novelty of the idea)
Secondly: it is often not HER sexuality you are judging, it is your, my, our response to her sexuality which gets voiced. Like religious man who need a woman to cover herself up totally, because otherwise she is a “whore and leading men on, needs to be raped to show her her place.” (not my opinion btw). That is not about the woman, that is about the man who can not take responsibility for his own sexuality.”
“Yeah.”
“But you and I judging her dress like that actually is the same projection of our thoughts on her. Not saying there is no truth in it what we think, there could be, don’t know. But I do not think it is up to anybody to judge women like this, to hold them to different standards than we do men and thirdly: it says nothing about her, but all about what WE THINK OF her.
“I never thought about it like that.”
“Nope. It took me a while to figure this out. But I think it is important to realise.”
“Yeah.” (surprised but content)

#didmyfeministthingtoday

I am happy that I quit, be it in a obliged, sort of struggling way. I have been visiting my GP every week for ‘check back’ and I think I am out of the suicide danger zone again. So I guess that is good. When down I don’t want help anymore. So I don’t really tell people. I don’t care anymore. Just don’t want to be trouble. Again.

Now I am here where I am I can not imagine that I can turn so dark. It seems to be a different world. Not that I am basking in light right now but, well, I am sort of, hesitatingly willing to give life another try. Which, I am very well aware, is a luxury position towards Life and can and possibly will offend anybody out there who is facing illness or accident or any other unwanted life threatening situation. 😦

Life wants to live, so when the environmental issues change the seeds will grow again. What I did this time around is to realise that and remember what my mom said: Next to having cancer and being sad about that, I can be happy. The one does not rule the other one out.

Guessing the homeopathic stuff has done its work too. First time I took it I was in heaven for a brief moment and then went up and down like an emotional roller coaster. Second time the good moments started to reappear. Third time I realised that I had not thought of killing myself the whole day. Guess that is progress and now I could even have the above conversation with this guy and not have any alterations in my blood pressure.

I still do not have any energy to actually take care of myself and that is difficult when trying to face this darkness. Work is effing tough. Not sure if I can hold on to this job when the contract ends. I am doing everything to get stuff done, which includes organising myself more and better and changing perceptions etc. But in the end it keeps on coming down to one point: if 20-30 people without management are not going to follow the rules my boss and I have set I am out of a job. I have very little influence on the crowd because I am not in the chain of command and I am not allowed to be there. Sometimes I am, but then bossman takes it back. So recipe for disaster and destruction of energy. Boundaries are good but haha, not my greatest asset. 😀

What would a woman who loves herself do? She would put on socks because her feet are freezing, painful and blue.

Why is it soooo difficult to take care of me? ‘Because you are worth it’ springs to mind. I do not think I am worth it. Not sure how that thought got there. Guess somewhere I drew the conclusion that I am not worth it. I can’t give what I don’t have. Same goes for parents. I guess my insisting on care from my mom confronted her with her own limited energy and lack of self-care. #Shetoo.

I salute my possibility to end a post which at least somewhere had a positive ring to it on a low note.:-D Sigh.

Ok, one more thing, I just searched the internet for ‘why is self-care so difficult’ Found a nice one which runs along with the work stress:

Tim Kreider puts his finger on the problem, writing in a 2012 New York Times blog that “Busyness serves as a kind of existential reassurance, a hedge against emptiness; obviously your life cannot possibly be silly or trivial or meaningless if you are so busy…”

Another blog stays things about shame. I guess I am actually healing because I just looked that up! Yay!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

I have turned on the heater, it was 15 degrees in the house so no wonder I was cold.

Thank you for reading, thank you for sticking with me during these times.

I am happy that I quit! That what comes after is not easy, I guess it is the darkness I preferred to drink away. When I read back I notice that I still shift emotions like I’m in an emotional roller coaster. Looking at it from the outside it is really strange. I don’t want to do the work I have to do to get myself sorted out. I feel I have already done so much and it is not fair and…. very often not rewarding because things just hurt a lot. As in ‘just hurt’ the whole day. Like I am missing the outer layer of skin all over and specifically on my heart.

Wishing you a nice Sunday/evening/day/new week.

xx, Feeling

Teal Swan on feeling not ‘normal’

Must watch vid on disconnection and, as Teal Swan says it ‘parallel realities’. I am guessing all of you will recognise this and possibly, as I did, have a good cry over understanding how denial of emotions makes people feel different and not normal.

 

Times are difficult for me currently. Well, guessing I have not brought another tone to this blog for a long time. Work is getting harder and harder. My job is the only one with measurable results but for the results to happen I depend on a whole bunch of others who…. do not exactly care, always. At least not when they do not feel like it. And there is nobody to make them feel like it so…  hmmm. Outside consultants have come in again.

When watching the above vid I realise that my boss and I speak from different points of view. Well, whatever. Life is difficult. Living is difficult. Nights are difficult with a lot of dreaming and memories from early life. Dreaming again that my brother is dying. Remembering the nightmares I used to have as a child about that. Remembering how my mother and brother had this bond where I was not welcome. How I rebelled against that. How my dear brother snugly dug himself into my mother’s lap even more in times like that.

My GP mentioned how every time she meets me she is gets this tremendous feeling of ‘loneliness’ with me. And I guess that is true. When I am in the mood I have been for the last months I feel alone, no matter what and how. And I do not want to connect because that only means that I will hurt more because ‘people do not understand me’. I guess that is the dramatised version of reality but it is one in which I live a lot of the time. I guess that is why blogging is a good way of expressing myself: I do not have to look people in the eye and see that they are repulsed, not understanding or pitying me.

I live in extremes. In the world where I live it looks like I invented extremes. Which I put out here as a sort of joke, or to mellow down the statement of living in extremes, trying to show that I can put things in perspective – but actually, haha, I guess you noticed that is not a strength of mine. And maybe because I do not share intimacy in real life, I never get to get out of that extreme state.

I invite you into my mad world and nobody follows. But then again, being in dire need of connection is something like needing a lone: only if you already have money the bank will loan money. Hmmm, dark.

Another dark thing: I dreamt that somebody spotted a dark presence around me and in that dream I could (suddenly?) separate the darkness I carry around in times from myself. I find it funny to think of it as two different ‘people’ or ‘realities’. Strange though that it felt very fitting. I find it a little, may I say ‘carnavalesque’ to attribute feelings to other entities like ‘angels’ or ‘bad ghosts’ but at that moment somebody mentioned that my brother (twin supposedly died in womb) was still with me and that he was luring me into the darkness as to be together again because he envies me because I live. My mind finds it utter nonsense, even so much that I have difficulty writing this down. But feelingwise it fitted totally. And then again: maybe that is ‘just’ dream logic, trying to fit things together to make keep it understandable for the mind. Well, it would explain the bouts of darkness flushing me in my life where I did not know where they came from. And the lightness I experience ever so suddenly.

In the sober world it is good practise to divide ourselves into the good person and the addict within. The addict within gets a name and that is how it is handy (at first) to separate what part we need to listen to and what part we need to ignore or even fight. I found this separation of ‘myself’ and the ‘addict within’ very helpful when quitting drinking. Over time my view changed and I realised that the addict within is me/is me too/is part of me/ is my way of dealing with life. A not so very handy way of dealing, but me. Not something ‘external’. Very good, very, very helpfull to attribute traits to this addict and villanies him/her though; makes it so much easier to recognise stuff and keep away from.

Well, what I wanted to log is that lately I switch from being perfectly happy and content to darkness as I have not known it earlier in my adult life. These switches happen in seconds. Very, can’t find the word, strange and… still can’t find the word, well, it concerns me. But I mainly notice the switch to light, not to the darkness because that is ‘normal’. Also there is a third phase in which I just watch me being all clustered up in my own emotions. This part that I call the real me: the part which is aware that I am thinking, which is aware that I am feeling stuff. This part is not part of the feelings but watching it.

I go to that place more often, well, ha, mostly because it is too tiring to be me currently. When I am there I can only wonder at the drama I carry, create, uphold. The gain of the drama is to keep me from feeling what I really feel. And there is a part which wants to keep me from being conscious. Being conscious comes with a price and the prices to me sometimes looks like utter madness as in ‘the reality of this world is so different from what we think that it is hard for the mind to grasp’. I have little experience and little words in that reality where I experience life and all with what I call my consciousness but it sort of looks like the idea of reality, matter, the body image and time e.g. are concepts to enable the mind and body to do their mind and body thing in time. Not sure if that makes any connection to anybody anywhere. So yeah. 😀 The madness comes in when I, my daily ‘I’ get afraid of the experience and try to hold on to the normal world idea. Which teaches me that hahaha, attachment causes pain. Gosh.

Well, more platitudes where that came from: in that reality everything is connected. But not sure if I understand it correctly because people I hear speaking about that are mainly all caught up in the romance of that while for me it is only a ‘fact’ (?) with no love or hate feeling to it. But then again: connection has always been a challenge for me.

When I am ‘there’ it is like all the shields I have, all the attachments, all drama’s fall from me like the leaves from a lotus unfolding and they keep unfolding and unfolding eternally. That experience/feeling is actually to me very accurate – as if it is literally happening around me. And after a while, actually a few seconds already, it turns very scary. Well, it starts of as this beautiful experience and then attachment walks in and eeeeeeehks! 😀 Ghegheghe… lesigh. Also, it takes me to the edge/over the edge of the feeling of ‘existing’ of well, ‘normal’. It is an exciting place to wander but I am guessing that, with the wrong mindset, intention, lack of foundation in this world, it might be a dangerous place for the mind. I am guessing my path leads me to explore the boundaries of that alternate reality I am experiencing there but I am guessing it is a good thing to let the mind get used to it. It is like that time where I tried to stay conscious while falling asleep; it is like walking into (what I think) a LSD trip (looks like). I wish the bookstore man was still in my life, he could probably explain what this is all about.

Well. More than 3 years ago I started this blog trying to feel my way back into life, knowing that would bring me to the next phase. The next phase has been waiting for over a year right now but I guess I still need to do the next level of un-addicting through rock-bottom. I went to see the GP because I did not trust myself with me anymore. The other day I posted a blog and then deleted it because I just could not bear for those words to be out in the world. To have people look into the darkness and pain going on. There is a funny thing to not wanting to lie and wanting to speak the truth: when life changes, motivations change. I found that revealing and I guess it is how relapse happens: it is not that one wants to drink, or possibly so, but it is the caring about the results which ‘just go out of the window’.

Not sure if I need to clarify that I did not drink and was not tempted to. I was however tempted to let go of caring. Never a good place. I did not care anymore. But then I have a cat. 🙂 I felt like this:

Have often felt like that in my life. Which in itself is not so bad as long as I do not have to pretend to be a cosy, happy house in a suburb. While feeling that my parents expected me to become a manor. Which is what I did all my life and the discrepancy is killing. Parallel realities.

Aah, another thing about work: work needs me to be precise and result driven and that makes that I need to go into the here and now and act in that. Nasty and difficult for me. Drives me nuts. Good practise in a sad way. Don’t want to be in the here and now. Drama. Need to investigate what happens there.

I experience a lot of breathing problems lately. I guess I experience panick attacks but I feel scared, well, dead scared but also often I have these aggressive arguments in my head and then my throat cramps and I can not breathe out anymore. Google says asthma. Nah…

Another log thing: I sleep deeper, sleep through the night at least 1 time a week!!! And only wake up once at least another time!!!! But still have nights where I wake up 5 times. My more than a year old concussion is still bothering me though. I keep on having headaches in that place and I still have the sensation of something being wrong there in my brain. The size, a little bigger than a pigeon egg which is damaged / dead / missing.

I am planning to keep on visiting the GP till I am out of the danger zone I am in now and possibly till I found an entrance into losing some weight. That would equal: making the next step in my addiction and quitting chocolate/sugar. Don’t want to talk about that. It is bad. I put on weight. Take bad care of me.

A woman who loves herself would post this blog and not fear if people think she is crazy. 🙂 So much of my thoughts go unchallenged because I think that in my non-digital life I do not know anybody who thinks/experiences things like I do in this post. And I have difficulty filtering The Truth from the caravalesque brain snot imagery. I guess not attaching myself to the outcome of this experiment called life will lead somewhere someday. Not sure. We shall see. 🙂 / 😦

I am sort of happy that I quit, more in an obliged way than really feeling it. I think I am a big mess and because of that I feel like ‘nothing has changed’. I have difficulty seeing light in the darkness but have noticed that I, well, not consciously but sub/non/whatever consciously, as a ‘safeguard’ hold on to misery because I can not deal with the ups and downs and the other people not understanding me and that hurting. So I have actually noticed me making me feel depressed so I do not have to come out of hiding and try living. My not so humble opinion on depression is that it is: separating myself from the world, taking bad care of my by eating badly, doing nothing fun, not caring, not getting exercise or fresh air, surrounding myself with dead buildings instead of nature, sleeping at the wrong hours, cherishing dark thoughts and then saying that it is difficult to find the light. Duh?! But the getting up from there is difficult. And well, today I think I can do it, at some point in my life, but last week and that week before I was very far away. Further than I was when drinking so that scared me. We shall see if I can find the strength to end this addiction to misery. My base attitude is still one which says: I don’t want to live in this world. I guess it has a lot to do with being confronted with death even before I was born. Or maybe it is another addictive way ‘out’; “as long as I don’t care I can not be hurt.” kind of thinking. Not sure. It is all coming more to the forefront the last months. 😦 Not happy about that. All these growth thingies they come with rock-bottoms where I need to realise that the negative consequences of hanging on to (destructive) behaviour and thinking is outweighing the ‘positive’ ones I (think to) get from being addicted to sadness/chocolate/depression/.

My head is hurting by now. I’m off to bed. Hope you found something in this post. Self-care, gratitude, progress not perfection thinking are all tools which could have possibly kept me out of this darke hole I find myself in. Just to make sure it is known: I knew that upfront. And I do not want to face that maybe, probably I am here now because I want to shy away from the work problems, weight problems and eating problems I experience. When I say ‘I knew that upfront.’ it means that I felt/saw things coming and I knew I had to change things but I could not. And I did not know it as clearly as I fear it is (partially) true now. Not proud of myself. But I guess, if I want to be truthful to myself I need to log this too. “To thy own self be true.”

The other part of the truth is that I have, in itself, a structure which is partially corrupted/not-functioning/not fitting in this world which makes it more difficult to find level ground. But then again: the only way out of that is to deal with it. Fuck.

Tired. No good can come of late night moping. 🙂

Wishing you a good day/week.

xx, Feeling