Why falling in love is not a good idea

Since Mr Store man has informed me of being in a relation I am restless and for the first time in 5 months I hate being sober. Now when I read back after having written the rest of the post I realise that I do not hate being sober, I hate feeling pain where it really hurts. I am truly experiencing that wanting to start a relation now is NOT A GOOD IDEA. Well that is apart from the fact where he is taken and into pot more than I had hoped. :-/ I get thrown all over the place by my emotions. Fucking irritating. I am back in this I WANT IT TO GO AWAY mode that I know from drinking. Blggghhhh. And for the first time in my 5 months sober history I am regretting that I quit drinking. (That was my first reaction – I don’t feel that now after writing this post) I feel a shitload of apprehension to be writing about this. But I guess I need to sort out my feelings around it or things are not going right.

Notice: apprehension, looming danger, I want it to go away now – the quick solution. Addictive thinking is taking over. I feel apprehension to think about this because it is very uncomfortable there where I need to go and I feel loss and pain. And I feel ridiculous. Ridiculous for being so stupid as to think that somebody that nice could be out there waiting for me. A store man! Another alien when it comes to feeling things that most people won’t notice. Isn’t that the dream come true for the one blogger that does everything by the book. ๐Ÿ˜‰

The not so funny thing is, in these dreams I just ‘forget’ about him using pot. The day after the last long visit a friend and I stopped at his store to drop of a leaflet. Walking into that store with somebody from my daily life made me realise IMMEDIATELY that the store man has this fog around his head. I had forgotten about that. I had seen it the first moment I saw him but obviously something in his appearance had attracted more attention.

So there are all kinds of mechanisms going on here. I thought I was pretty safe from falling in love because I did not immediately feel physically attracted to him which is my normal route. So I thought I would be charmed but not fall in love. Until he said he had a girlfriend and I suddenly did feel like I lost. Isn’t that strange. Not only the moment, but that could just be a moment of confrontation. But the feeling that I lost. Not the feeling that I lost a person, not the feeling that what we had up to that moment would have been out of reach because it is not, not the feeling of loosing a love but the feeling of having lost in this world again. Having lost what is good and enlightens me, brings me life. And then there is that word ‘again’ that already surprised me in a former blogpost.

I feel like I’m part of this tribe and everybody has got their own fire with people around them and their own families and I don’t. I don’t feel unwelcome at the other fires and I am happy with my own fire even though, now I look at it is not burning proud but smoldering with an occasional flame while I look around me feeling sad for what I am missing out of. While on the other hand I can not stand the giving in part that I would need to do to be able to last longer at a fire like that for 3 days. Relations for me equal a prison, the tying up and the torture starts slowly and mostly unseen but will definitely come. And with every man I in my life I thought it was different this time.

Sstore man said out of the blue one day: ‘Because you think in duality you will meet men who live in duality. Only when you yourself change the world around you will change.’

He doesn’t speak a lot of judgements because he mentioned something like ‘focussing positive energy on something is a better idea’. I do get the concept but I do not fully live in that (yet?) Not when things get unclear or I get emotional :-D. What he meant to say is that I have a very black and white view of male-female relations where the man is evil and takes the woman is angelic and has to give. And that it is no wonder that I keep meeting people that live in that same thought if I keep on living in that same thought. My therapist (hi!) has warned me for that too, in other words. And I have experienced it myself that when I get more positive in general I meet nicer people like the sauna man I wrote about. And the three guys at the party that enjoyed ‘stepping down’ from their career in order to spend more time with their kids and give their wife the opportunity to fly. So I am guessing it is true. And while I am writing this message appears on my facebook wall from the store man. Not specifically for me I am guessing.

“If there are whole parts of yourself that you are always running from, that you even feel justified in running from, then youโ€™re going to run from anything that brings you into contact with your feelings of insecurity. And have you noticed how often these parts of ourselves get touched? The closer you get to a situation or a person, the more these feelings arise. Often when youโ€™re in a relationship it starts off great, but when it gets intimate and begins to bring out your neurosis, you just want to get out of there. So Iโ€™m here to tell you that the path to peace is right there, when you want to get away.”

Figured that one out before when it was about getting sober: the growth is where the funnyย  things are. So this. And here. Where it hurts.

And it suddenly pops I guess that is what I misunderstood: the difference between universal and personal love. Or I am being played with tremendously here and all these Facebook messages on subjects we spoke about are not for me. That would be another fear. ๐Ÿ™‚

I need to go out now the weather is still fine, and having written this down I now feel good enough to be able to go out. This subject is not finished yet but I want to push the publish button – somehow that helps getting things of my chest. So there are still a few pieces of unruly text:

UNSORTED PARAGRAPHS

I have an issue with men. Did I tell you that if I list the names of my last three persons of interest in a row you get: liver quick damage. That is the funny thing in The Netherlands, people have strange names. I guess the universe is leaving a message…. Pffff, how could I not see before? Just not sure how to read it. Don’t want to accept the not now sign in it. ๐Ÿ˜€ But I’m guessing unless I do I will be finding trouble.

On loss and pain: I feel ridiculous. Also because I had strung up hopes on being offered and entry to a job this week which did not happen, well sort of did but at that time I found out that the person that did that had not paid a bill of mine that he said he did. So how is that for trust?

I don’t want to twist and turn to hold on to things and people – and then when I get close I suddenly feel like something good is passing me by and I want to hold on so badly that I squeeze it to death. Funny thing is, when he was a store man with whom beautiful conversations took place – everything was ok. I could see that he smoked pot, leave it with him and continue my life. Now he uses the G word (girlfriend) I feel like I lose :-(. And then I put having and holding into the mix and everything turned upside down.

Today I’ll stick to this one:

Thank you for reading. I am guessing the work has started for me too.

Happy-ish that I quit. I want life to be simple. Guess I should go do stuff that I like then and not worry or wallow in hurt but work out where the learning is.

I want: the store man to call me that he will be quitting his pot and leaving his girlfriend and he will adore me for the rest of my life and we will live happily ever after.

I need: to get a grip. Pffffff, suffocating dreams. I don’t even like people who adore. Not sure how to get a grip yet but I’ll work it out. Not now, now I want to walk, do stuff.

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Imagine

Imagine that you accept yourself and love yourself as you are. Imagine that you are good and complete as you are.

(Quote from the store man from last week, only sinking in now)

Trying to. It’s relaxing, gives inner space and place for thoughts that are useful and constructive. Thinking it is a better one than ‘don’t berate yourself’ because I would be berating myself for berating myself. So, learning by imagining the good position instead of thinking about what I don’t want. It’s like ‘happy that I quit’ – works better for me than: Ooooh shit I should not drink remember do not drink do not drink’

So YEAH I’m going to clean my house. ๐Ÿ™‚

Happy that I quit because I am slowly learning how to deal with life and I guess I missed a few steps in the last 30 drinking years.

I want: still to escape the real learning experience and only do the ones that feel nice from the beginning. There’s an addict aspect that needs looking into in due time. Not too quickly because if it feels cornered it will freak out.

I need: to start again with living and realise that I live every day and every day can I make a difference. I can choose to clean or choose to Netflix.

Went to an old workspace were I did loads of volunteer work last 2 years. One of the owners who wholeheartedly disliked me is leaving so there might be new chances there. It was good to be back and they might be looking to hire. Would be nice.

Yeah! I feel like a pussycorn!!! (unicorn + kitten)

Yeah! I found my spark plug!!! It is Iodine! And I feel like this:

A pussycorn…. ๐Ÿ™‚

Yesterday I walked 9 kilometer without trouble, without even thinking about it. Today 9 kilometers again in the pouring rain. No worries. If you read in the news that somebody has exploded out of sheer happiness it would be me! I’m high with it. It is amazing.

People that have followed me the last 5 months might have wondered whenever I would get my ass away from the computer and start doing things instead of procrastinating….. Well…. knock wood but I think I’ve got it. And as I said, it is Iodine. Now I google ‘Iodine procrastinating’ and low and behold what shows up: a book saying that heart medication that controls heart flutters as I had them actually depletes the body of Iodine. Nice. So that’s where it came from, my beta blockers. I think I’m gonna check back with my GP2 to inform her of that. :-/

So… How happy am I?! I am over the moon! I have found my energy back and it was indeed my spark plug. I thought it was because if I do stuff I am ok, but the starting… blaaahg……. So there is this new feeling that I can actually look up, and change my view, look at the horizon again. Do you understand? The feeling that life can start again. That the speed of the world and everybody elses speed does not hurt anymore because I am no part of it. Now I can connect again.

I have not been so happy in years. I am back! ๐Ÿ™‚ My body is back and we align again and wow. Wow!! This is as good as quitting drinking and maybe even better because the fog in my head is gone too. That took a while!! SKY HIGH! ๐Ÿ™‚

Thanks to my mother’s educatation in nutrition and my fathers stubbornness I think that I finally found what I was looking for. Next up: life!

Walking and being alone

Major physical change today: I walked into town. No just-wandered-and-pfff-too-tired-and-my-god-I-wish-I-was-home sort of walked but WALKED at speed. I did not know I have felt so tired and stiff until I found out today that I am suddenly not tired and stiff. No more pain in my ankles and hipjoints, no backpain, no shortness of breath, no sudden pain in the chest, no general feeling of fatigue. My blood was flowing and my body felt happy with the excercise – that’s cool! I walked 9 kilometers and did not even feel that I did it. Wow! 2 Weeks ago I looked up to having to walk 600 meter to a store – I did it, but mostly because I thought I had to health wise. Not sure if this change is due to not taking beta blockers or to taking the salts. Or both. Dunno, it was good. And good because I did administration yesterday and finished with a ‘meal’ of 80 grams of chocolate. And I deserved it! Yeah! ๐Ÿ™‚ Now I feel I deserve more walks :-). That is NEW. No promises. Let’s see.

My breasts (yes that subject again) are hurting here and there and everywhere, the shrinking process caused by the Iodine of the cell salts and the seaweed has really kicked in now. Not sure if I still like this: what about a belly, ass, waist, inner thigh, flabby underarm, double chin shrinking pill? That feels like a way nicer method to from my body to thank me for my good care. ;-).

Nasty message of the day: Mr store man suddenly, after 5 days of in total 20 hours of speaking intimately comes up with a Mrs store man. That hurt, even though I had not allowed my heart to gallope ahead and had not ‘added’ sexual fantasies to my thinking. In fact I was worried that I did not feel that way. However, there was a longing for a place by the fire and then it felt again like I had no right to that.ย  It hurt and I felt jealous and locked out. I suddenly felt very much alone. And that is how it is.

I am happy that I quit. Walked past bars and realised that only half a year ago I would have tried to drown my feelings in a bar. Not a good concept. Now I’m a little tired but happy that I am free of longing again. ๐Ÿ™‚ There is good in that too. It was interesting to take and have the time to see how this seed of connection planted itself and what happened in me next. ๐Ÿ™‚ And back to base. Good. Focus.

I want: things to be easier.

I need: to cry and sleep

Bloodshot eyes

I copied this below text from a comment of mine on Prim’s post. She is moving into the podcast world :-).

My reply: Less internet… yeah, another issue of the week. I had a talk with my eyes why they are so red – like I am still drinking. ๐Ÿ˜ฆย  And it went like this:
Hi eyes, how are you?
Not good!
Sup?
You make me see things I don’t want to see.
Like what?
Like the computer all the time. You look at the mean stuff (Prison Break) and there is nothing I can do.
Is it not good?
No, it is bad for me. I was born to see beauty and life. Not mean people all day.

That actually made me look in a whole different way at watching TV or film. Sobriety: it is all about what I take in and leave out. I have a pile of books lying around (surprise!) and in order to relax or quit living I watch Prison Break. I think I need to start to zone out there too and move into another mode. Slowly, slowly though. Watching TV has been the pressure lock on the pressure cooker so I’ll let go slowly.

Slowly aligning with how I think we (I) were (was) meant to be. And funny, I never believed in this positivity stream of thinking and ‘you attract what you are’ but using techniques in there just ‘on feel’ I come to realise that it might actually be very helpful. Still not big on the ‘where there is a will there is a way’ aspect that is in there. I find it too assuming. But I do notice that it is easier to follow a good example or a good thought (Happy that I quit) and try to align myself with it than to try to figure out what and how and force my way into improvements of my life that I feel I can’t make yet.

I had a friend, she could only do things by gaining an insight – that would spark her. She could never just do stuff because she had to. I despised her for that. Sorry ex-friend. Now I understand. She quit a multi-drug addiction when she got to the part where she started using crack. Just quit just like that. It must have taken a MAJOR DECISION and loads of maintenance of that decision. I always felt that her energy for making decisions had been stuck there so she could not ‘just do stuff’ anymore. Like I now. And then she became very interested in personal growth. I guess I understand the importance of that now too. ๐Ÿ™‚

I need to go do stuff. The laying about after the admin was done yesterday has been ok. It did take almost 1 bar of chocolate but that is ok too.

I am VERY HAPPY that I quit. That’s it. Very happy that I quit. Jason Vale in his book ‘Kick the drink easily’ says something like: from day one start being happy that you quit. I thought; he know’s his shit, I’d better do that. So I actually have an egg-timer here that I set every 15 minutes. It has a little piece of tape on it saying ‘Relax’, ‘Check emotions’ and ‘Follow the plan’. The last one did not work but I guess I’ll get around to it in another way. By speaking with my eyes e.g. so they tell me to stop watching TV. Am I crazy? No :-D. I am feeling.

I want: to sort my life out and clean

I need: to get a job.

I take: I have viewed an interesting video online about Iodine. I think I have an Iodine shortage because the base of my neck was swelling slowly. It left when I started taking Iodine pills. Iodine is the mineral that helps cells to clean themselves up when they are old or the DNA is not good anymore. The thought was that lacking Iodine can therefore cause cancer cells to grow. Also, lacking Iodine causes fybrocystic breasts and breast cancer. I never knew what that was but I looking at the online photo’s I have that. No wonder my breast (yes back to the subject) are going south now I eat kelp pills and a cell salt that includes Iodine. The video doctor also said that we need at least a 100 times more Iodine than is advised so I’ll up intake of seaweed (brown rice with seaweed and fried egg – that’s an ok lunch) and see where it gets me.

Yes, yes, I’ll also check out what the effects of too much Iodine are. Iodine eats Selenium in the process so I’ll check out if this is included in the seaweed or that I need to add that. I would LOVE to get rid of the lumps in my breast that make every doctors eyes open up wide in a da-fuck-I-hope-this-is-not-cancer kind of way when I check in. My mother died of breast-cancer. It has been controlling our family since I was 11 years old. Hence the fascination. And I was bottle fed ;-).

And, in case you have read my blog a little longer you are starting to learn why NOBODY in my life actually thinks it is weird that I quit drinking. It is just another flavor of the season health thing.ย  Gheghegheghe…. they go like: ‘What is it you are not havingย  or not having this time?’

There comes a day that I will not be needing to create so much fog around me when it comes to health. I hope there will be a day that I can maybe finally trust my body will not give in ‘all of a sudden’ like it did with my mother. ๐Ÿ™‚ In between I will learn to focus my energy on HEALTH instead of being afraid that I get unhealthy. ๐Ÿ™‚

HA! Check this out!!! I wanted to add in a photo on swelling of the neck but instead found this: a swollen tongue! I have that but did not know what caused it. Works out to be caused by Iodine deficiency. Tadaaaa! Seaweed! Here I come!

https://i2.wp.com/wholehealthdentalcenter.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Iodine-Pics2.png

Look and you shall find. Ask and you shall be given. Knock and you shall be opened.

Restoring the density of my personality

There is a new process going on, or I am noticing just it now. When I see other people who are addicted to drinking I sort of feel / think / judge ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ‘they are all over the place except where they need to be.’ Feeling through the process that I feel is going on inside I feel that aspect of alcohol addiction is slowly repairing in me, around me currently.

A few days ago I was totally of the planet with sadness of reading the blog from Brad (hi!), a young man who gave up on his detox (he’s back!!) to again walk the path of self-destruction. And what I got in the replies are variations on the serenity prayer. And that made me realise that I can lend my support, try to be there for somebody – but I can not carry it. Specifically when there is the North Atlantic ocean between us. :-/ I realised that just there and then and I felt my ‘aura’ – lacking a better word – shrink in width. That would be the megalomanic aspect of the addictive personality I am guessing.

And now I am facing admin 2014 and I worry about what will be – which I notice is counter productive. And I have pain about what has been – and I notice is it counter productive. In reality I have nothing but now. Exactly the place and time where I did NOT want to be when drinking.

But it is good. Now is good. I think I can deal with that. And if I don’t, drinking will never be a solution. So my aura, still lacking a better word, has shrunk in depth as well. That would have to do with the ability to process issues from the past and not worry about the future – both traits of an addictive personality.

And the last dimension: height. I’ve been speaking with the store man Friday. We worked through some I-Tjing (oracle) text that is (said to be) applicable to my life. He mentioned that it says that I go to extremes in my thinking and feeling and that this causes me problems in life. And that he had noticed that to…. That I need to find a middle road. And God! I love biology. Because this is the FIRST TIME in my life that I have been able to feel through that concept and accept it from somebody :-D. Yes, sorry to everybody that tried and got frustrated.

Note: I have also been takin those before mentioned tissue salts that have one salt that deals with people who go to extremes. So it might have come from two places at once. Aaah, that was exactly what the ‘solution’ to my problem was: sitting with it on the middle road. I guess my therapist (hi!) would agree. As would my family, deceased mother, (ex) colleagues, most likely all my former teachers, bosses, friends, neighbours, customers.

So, that is the ‘all or nothing’ aspect of the addictive personality. ๐Ÿ™‚ I guess it serves me well now I quit because in my quitting you might have noticed there is NO INBETWEEN either. ๐Ÿ™‚ I think I remember 1 or 2 posts out of 200 where mentioned having tiny cravings and there was no longing to go back at all. I guess this character trait made me lose it and now I use it to come back to life.

So, I shrunk in height, depth and width. I actually feel that happening around me and in my body and I wonder if that means that I will be losing weight ‘automatically’ too. I’ld guess those things are connected. Yes, yes, I know that is a strange thought. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Hey, this is my blog, ok? ๐Ÿ™‚

I am VERY HAPPY that I quit. It might sound like you heard it before or just a slogan but every time I write that down I do so because I am VERY HAPPY that I quit and I feel that joy – it equals, I don’t know, going to Disney land, age 10 or so. I feel freed. I was living in a cold and dark and lonely place. And I am out. I have a choice to live now.

I want: hahahaa, that I have my admin 2014 finished but that should be so at the end of this day.

I need: to keep my head together and do my admin one piece at the time, not lose it. I can cry but I need to keep breathing, take responsibility and stay with it. Aaah…. and if that not works imagine the store man seeing you unable to deal with putting some pieces of paper in order. Whatever it takes is what it takes. ๐Ÿ˜€ Yes, yes, extreme. Ok, so now I should learn not to cry and not to whip myself with nasty thoughts but sit with it.

Aah, hey, it’s just paper, it is all in the past, I can not change anything anymore, I do not have to get in a state. Breathe, breathe, ok, BREATHE, BREATHE! ๐Ÿ™‚

Have a nice day!

xx, Feeling

5 Months – 153 days – blood pressure 120 – 80

Blood pressure was 120 over 80!! How is that for perfection? So I actually have a lower blood pressure without the beta blockers than with. Still continuing with the Schuessler cell salts. My boobs have gone south though, 5 to 6cm down and they are shrinking. That is a bummer because they were by far the most beautiful part of my body and now my belly is protruding. My definition of the basics of a nice body is: waist showing and breasts before the belly. Ghegheghe. Well, that is part of the price I pay for having drunk myself to oblivion for years. And I am loving it. ๐Ÿ™‚

Slowly, slowly I am not the one the person with the emotional self-knowledge of Godzilla (Thank you Prim for that colourful description of a person in early sobriety) and I am guessing I don’t have to ‘keep things up’ as much anymore. Hence the boobs dropping ;-).

Of course the boobs have to do with not taking the phyto-estrogens that are in the hop in the beer. And using the salts changes the amount of water I am retaining. So, cool. And dropping the beta blockers that have ‘retaining water’ as a side effect. The biggest fall of 4cm came from the beer though. And in case you wonder: I am in a profession where knowing stuff about breasts where and when is part of the knowledge we use. And yes, there ARE indeed jobs where that can be absolutely sex-less.

And I don’t feel like blogging but I did want to mark this 5 months and 201st or 202nd post.

I am VERY HAPPY that I quit. I am proud again. Because of having fixed my blood pressure while the apothecary said that NOBODY ever comes of the blood pressure medicine. HA!!! And I am also proud again because the store man gave me a beautiful compliment. He said: ‘I think you are a very beautiful women, I love to look at you and when I look into your face it gives me joy.’ How is that for a compliment :-). The day finished with ‘Our conversations make me very happy. I would really enjoy it if you were to drop by again.’ Don’t know what to make of it. He is like that, I can be like that, saying what I feel, I have said things like that to man, women without any what you call it? And I can not afford to get sidetracked by romantic notions – not now. Need a job. So I’ll just enjoy it as it is. ๐Ÿ™‚

I want: to stop blogging now because I need to prep for a nice afternoon.

I need: to continue on this path. The path is the destination. It is however time to add some goals. I don’t feel like I will fail at everything anymore. That has to do with being proud of my blood pressure and of course a bit with the store man. And I need to not mix up Path, Goal and Companion.

I take: several cell salts that have to do with blood pressure. Mercury in a homeopathic solution (diluted like crazy – no real molecules present anymore) for the indented tongue. Less herb-tea and more water and water with lemon and sometimes orange too in these last 2 days.