I have me, I always have me

Shame, the emotion that does not want to be seen.

Went to pick up BrenΓ© Brown’s book on Imperfections. Which is about 11 months after it has first been advised to me ;-). Got to the store. Had tea and spoke with a guest and the bookstore man. Things were strange the whole hour and I felt I had to clear something up on what was said in the conversations. We did and all was ok-ish, I don’t know. Since I realised I don’t actually know the book store man there seems to be a distance between us. It is so intriguing how these things work. Also, he’s pretty strange when it comes to me speaking with other people, he always checks one way or the other whether I am interested in a man. Not nice. 😦 About not knowing a person and still thinking you (i!) do…. Sigh.

Well, I’m not alone, biology favoured people who fall in love easily over those who don’t because it is a factor that stimulates offspring. People who wait 5 year to have kids have way less kids than those who go for it. That’s the biological reason for falling in love. True, it’s all a bit overdone at 45 to think of offspring but, it is there and that is how it is. And yes, it blinds. That is exactly the biological purpose of falling in love. Sigh again.

I went home and suddenly full-blown shame overwhelmed me. This is where I feel myself standing in this strange dark, sober land of nothingness. Strong winds blast sand and stones from all directions. All I can do is stand, endure, feel myself, feel what is happening. I did. Winds of shame and condemnation effortlessly blew away my defences, the rubbish, the excuses, the attachments. They blew through me and I let them go. It took all I had, what was left was what I am and I realised: I can stand.

No matter what powers are unleashed, I have me, I always have me. I know my heart. I know my intentions. My heart is not bad, I am not bad, my intentions are not bad. And if things happen to work out bad because I am new to the territory, so be it. I do not have to be perfect. The wish for perfection stops the flow of Life. I can not be shamed anymore because I have me.

Shame takes away the right to be me. I have the right to be me. No matter what.

It is a lonely place but at least I have me.

I am happy that I quit. If only it were for experiences like these and being there.

I take; the Ayurvedic stuff and the now forbidden chocolate. That is a thing that needs work.

I need: to sleep.

I want: to sleep

3 Things: the book store man, I don’t think I have ever in my life learned so much from speaking with a non-professional. 2 I am also thankful for my strength. I might be weak in normal things but I’m pretty good in the dark stuff. πŸ™‚ 3 This blog, in which I have taken the liberty to relentlessly (and endlessly) write about dark stuff and still you are reading this :-). It helps. I would not have come here if I had not been writing for so long. Sobriety for me is about where the dark stuff happens and then exactly not drinking it away. The dark stuff happens just exactly there where life takes me. What is in the way is The Way.

Discipline: still in the state of exploring, trying to find a way to discipline without guilt or blame. Now the shame has been seen, maybe discipline is not the thing, maybe going with the flow called Life is the way. Whoa! That is Big. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

I’m off to bed. Hope you have a nice day/evening. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

On discipline and projecting

The ayurveda doctor said he suspected a serious discipline issue in me. Ghegheghe, what? Did he read my blog or did one of you call him? So, these past days I have again been studying how it works in me. (Yes, yes, discipline is a do-thing, not a study-think, I know, I know!!!!!)

Discipline, I used to write it with capitals, when I was young. I need to get it back but the way I did it is not sustainable. All of my former discipline has been shame based; fear to disappoint my mother, fear to not catch up with my older brother (when he got potty trained I followed within in 2 weeks at age 1,5), fear to not be best of class, fear to not get another ‘Excelles’ at my next review, fear to not earn as much as my 5-year older boyfriend. Fear of failing In the entrepreneur situation I was in where ‘you are as good as your last job’ is the actual truth. All the stimuli I used to need were about things needing to be fantastic. Normal is not good enough. Normal is more like something to be ashamed of.

I feel this misunderstanding of life is based in an upbringing where only highlights were commented on an celebrated, where doing and achieving is appreciated over being. And also: in this I am not sure if it were my parents who brought me up this way or I myself. Well, my father and indeed my mother did, but it all just caught on too neatly. I did it myself too. My feeling good was never about myself in myself, always in relation to others.

From a parenting perspective this overzealous attitude might have been something one would want to work on when discovered in your own kid. And in whatever therapy I might want to shout at my parents for ‘not doing so’ and setting me up for failure in my future life. From a ‘lets see how I deal with this’ I think it is time to look at my own patterns.

Ha! I can’t. πŸ˜€

There is a funny thing with shame going on: it is difficult to look at. There is this whole dark place within me, I never go there and I can’t look at it. The other day I wrote another one of my bloglike responses to a post of Paul from the Alcoholics guide to alcoholism. It was about how I dislike John Bradshaws ranting in the video and how I tend to have conflicts with older man well, all over an always. It took me up to now to realise that my personal ranting is not about John Bradshaw, it is about me. Yeah. 😦 And because I stay in this ‘elder guys are always like this and that’ I tend to not be very flexible with them. Bitchy would be the word. Hmmm. Food for thought. :-/

And… this…. brings me to projecting. I had this amazingly scary experience the other day with the bookstore man. He said something, something amazingly normal, can’t even remember what it was, but it was outside my ‘idea of him’. And there the bubble burst. And I realised that I don’t even know the guy. And that a whole lot, if not everything I think he is, is, is all in my mind. Jeeeeeez! That put me back on my own two feet. (NO! Don’t laugh… 😦 )

Somehow I knew this had to be coming someday, it has come in any actual relation I have been in, this moment of waking up and thinking: who the #%^@ is that in my bed?!!! My idea from the beginning has been to find out how that works, and then I lost myself, which I guess is part of it and here it is: fully fledged projection showing. Tssss… pfffff…. amazing how overwhelmingly big this misconception can be. This goes even beyond the teenage moaning I’ve done, it is overwhelming. A friend of mine replied; I can’t even work out my own thoughts, so how the hell would I think I can actually know somebody else. I thought that would be a good point to stay on for a while. I could sort of ‘knowingly’ call my new attitude a beginners mind but no, I just dropped from a high place and found out that I have been duping myself with an image of how somebody is while now I find out that I don’t know shit. And that is mostly because I always do the talking. Yes, I do not only do all the writing, I do the talking as well.

Overwhelming wake up call. It was, I don’t know, I am still not used to the enormous power of projecting which is in falling in love. My not so romantic definition of being in love is: throwing a net of projections and fantasies over somebody and trying to real him/her in. I KNOW that is how I’ve gone about this earlier. But knowing and knowing are still different obviously. And… if the other went along with the net, it would be another bad relation like I had several. Funny thing is: the bookstore man did not go along, which left me to dangle and work on my own projections. Which is good. πŸ™‚ It did work. That is shocking, but good. We spoke about me taking the time to work out my projections through Facebook a while ago. I said that the good in the whole thing for me was that I got to work out my own projections. I finished of with saying those were my conscious intentions. And that this was indeed exactly the disclaimer since I also mentioned that I have no control over the unconscious parts. πŸ˜€ He could laugh at that, ghegheghe.

So, back to nets of projection. I would have never realised the aggression and the power issues that are expressed in this image of ‘falling’ ‘in love’ that I sketched. And obviously when wondering about that the Universe sends me Alexander Lowen’s character structures through internet with this beautiful drawing of a woman saying something like ‘Let me give to you, or I’ll kill you’.

Which is a bit over the top (gosh?!) but the aggression: let me in or I’ll force my way in is certainly there. Not attractive. 😦 I feel with that I am repeating my bond with my mother. My whole photo book is filled with remarks saying things like ‘You are cuddly and unfortunately won’t take no for an answer, soooo different from your older brother.’ Yeah, well, &#^@!!!!! (#&^@%$*$!!!!

Pfffff…

Well, I do get the time to sort of stand along the sideline and see how things work for me. Unfortunately I did get drawn into that a little too deep for comfort. But breaking the bubble was good. After the bubble broke the conversation continued on the energetic walls I once set in my house :-). The building is from the 1930 so the walls are very thin so the first Friday night I slept there I heard ALL my neighbours having sex. Lacking earplugs I set these energetic boundaries in the walls left, right, front, back and floor. While speaking about this with the bookstore man I talked myself back into that moment where took that decision and the funny thing is that I repeated in real life in that moment. And kedeng! Back were my boundaries. πŸ™‚ Good. Makes me able to stand on my own feet again. Very comfortable. Da F! did I do all this hanging out outside my own center for? Ieeew…. 😦

Gonna pick up BrenΓ© Brown’s book :-D. So, let’s see if I can stay on my feet, in my center and in reality. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit, currently because otherwise I would have never found about this destructive way of me of dealing with ‘love’. I am thinking I am not making progress. But I am. And even if not, putting time between me and the last drink is a good one. Generally I have been happier these days, mostly because I feel I have myself back but also because of the Ayurvedic pills, not sure what’s in there but I am happy, regardless. πŸ™‚

I take: Ayurvedic pills, still need to work out my exact diet (as in foods which are good for me and those which are not) to accomplish them. He spoke about moderation. I just laughed sheepishly:

‘There is no such thing as moderation in me.’

‘But your mother was a very, very eh, well, she did everything so precise.’

Well that is where I get a little irritated. My mother wrote DISCIPLINE with capitals. And she was hardly ever happy. Then she died. In an awful marriage. How’s that for discipline?Β  😦 And no, of course I did not say that. I just need to find my own version of discipline, I feel all my discipline is in not drinking and after that there is a nw land I am walking through. It takes all my attention to stay here, walk here, be here in this new land which is not structured by living from escape to escape and working in between. I am pretty aware (ish? disclaimer allowed?) of what is going on in the land, it just does not seem to blend with the rest of the world anymore. I feel like a little piece of a puzzle trying to fit into the normal world. It just doesn’t fit. :-/

New category: On discipline: looking at the subject, trying to stay out of the shame of not having it anymore, trying to find a way that does not discipline me by shaming or scaring me.

I need: to make something for my shoulder to keep it warm so this tendon infection can heal.

I want: hmmm…. don’t know. For things to be easy? I guess?

3 Things: friend visiting today with her little girl, she and my cat met. Cat was distrustful but I instructed the girl so the could bond a little. πŸ™‚ Cat has had this homeopathic drops from the vet a while ago, she is very relaxed. A neighbour came over asking what had happened to her because they saw her laying in the sun in the grass and she did not run but just lay there :-). Good :-). Writing this post is good. Cleaning the house is good too. Aah, and I’ve cleaned out the book cabinets and got a box of old books for the 2nd hand shop. :-).

Hope you have a nice day/evening!

xx, Feeling

11 Months

25th Of July, that makes it my 11th month into sobriety. Learned a lot.

Spend the day with friends. He’s got lung cancer and she’s taking care of him. We went to see the Ayurvedic doctor who kept my mom alive against all odds. Hope he can do something for my friend too. Their oldest daughter is 4 and they have a son of 2. They are so cute. I had to watch them for a while and I told them I did not to that very often so the might need to tell me how to. They were very helpful. πŸ™‚

‘You need to tell us what to do. And you also need to tell us what not to do.’ (Her language control is outstanding)
‘Ok. I can do that. And what if you do not want to do what I tell you?’
‘Then you just have to say it stricter.’
‘Ok. I can do that. And, just to be sure, what if I say it stricter and you still do not listen?’
‘Then you have to say it even stricter until we listen. That is what mom does.’

And that, is how it works. πŸ™‚

Doctor said I’m out of whack which causes all kinds of small medical issues and mild depression, and the other way around. Got some Ayurvedic plantbased pills. Need DISCIPLINE. Now that’s no surprise :-). But some little 4 year old told me how it is supposed to work so…. let’s see. I went to the store, bought everything I will not be having anymore in the upcoming month to feast on that. I even bought cookies. I never eat cookies. Feeling sick now. πŸ˜€ Don’t feel like writing.

I am happy that I quit, still because I would not feel like still having to do that or having to do that again.

I take: well…. cookies, chocolate, chips and I got some extra meat too because large portions of that will be restricted too.

I need: to have a serious look at discipline. I know if I overdo it I fall back. I know if I underdo it I get not enough results. Aaah, heck, I don’t know shit about discipline. I used to have it at age 18 – 20 ish: go to bed at 21:00, wake up at 5:00, do homework, go to school, do homework. The Friday was long with going out in the evening but I had this mother in law who would bang on the metal pipes of the central heating at 11ish on the Saturday and we would need to be working off our hangover in the big vegetable garden or do whatever she had laying around. Ghegheghe. Funny that we obeyed that. πŸ™‚ Sweet kids we were. I wish my shoulder was not hurting like hell so I could do some yoga to build up my spine psyhically and see if that works from the outside in.

I want: pffff, to puke? Ieew! Whoever thought that it is a good idea to eat cookies (5), chips (1/2 a bag) and chocolate (30 grams)? Ieeeuw! I want to sleep and not feel sick. Ghegheghe… this is a weird experiment.

3 Things: spending the day with friends and their kids. And… going home to my own quiet place afterwards πŸ™‚ and I guess 11 months. That’s long I guess. Did I ever think I would make that? Yes, I did. The extremist in me thinks things like ‘no use in quitting if it is not forever’. πŸ˜€ But that was when I did not know how devious addiction really is. However, being convinced of myself did not hurt. Very happy that I read the Craig Nakken book on ‘Addictive personality’ – that thought me a lot.

I wish you a nice Sunday, hope you feel better than I do, ghegheghe. TIP of the day is: do not overeat in cookies, chips and chocolate together. I give myself 3 days to let go and then I’ll pfff, don’t know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. There is this part in me that STILL does not want to get serious about life. I’ve, since I was 15 or so, called it the part that has not incarnated properly yet, that does not want to really be here and take responsibility. Which is rather lazy than tired. Maybe we should have a chat. Not now, now is (way past) bedtime here.

xx, Feeling

Oooh my…. neighbours admin :-(

Opening my post and doing admin. FINALLY! The last bits of requesting tax back from earlier years. In the pileΒ  found a tax invoice and the request form addressed to my neighbour, but I had already opened it and left it there. Just only noticing now that it is not addressed to me. I remember this coming in EXACTLY 2 days after I had requested it. SHIT!!! That was a months ago. Ieeew. She is not home now. Hope she is not going to be too late with paying / asking for a refund….. 😦 😦

All those years I have taken the utmost care not to let my addiction leak into other people’s lives – or at least reduce this possible harm to a minimum by not being in contact with people when I had been drinking. By not putting drinking before appointments. And this admin thing, it is even bigger than drinking. It is baffling. I feel such a fraud. And it feels like the Universe teaching me a lesson in humility which is correct I guess (I am pretty quick to judge her on her drinking habits) but FUCK!!!! AAAAHRG!!!!!

Had a talk with the book store man a few days back, he was telling something about himself and I gave a stupid answer so I guess that (sub?)consciously made him turn the conversation around to my incapability: admin. He has offered to help me. But hey, I’m too proud and always think: tomorrow I’ll do it. He has tried to coax me into doing it by saying he would take me out to dinner if I was done. That was like 2-3 months ago… Guess even biology can’t fix this one. Which tells me how big it is. 😦

So the other day he turned the conversation around and I noticed how utterly uncomfortable I was and he was asking these questions and I was hiding and making up stupid answer and actually, I think I lied too. BS, I don’t want to know it, I did try to lie but he discovered an incongruity there and put it out there, so I twisted and turned and pfffff…. well, he had to catch his tram so I was left with me realising all the above. SHIT. I can’t believe how big it is for me. I find my incapability of dealing with finances more private than my (well, non existing…) sex life.

Yesterday I cleaned the house so no excuses left to not do admin. I want to become better. I don’t want to stay in this half-life I am leading. I think I have done very well the last year, and I think I would have done worse if I would have had help from the beginning. But now I am at my wit’s end and that is good, I guess. I NEED to learn to ask for help, to trust, to really connect, not from this I know it all tower I live in but be out there and, well connect.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, you get it I guess. Addict. Control issue.

Ha, I am happy that I quit. At least I don’t have to do that too.

I want: a load of cash

I need: to deal with what has been given, that’s all I have to do.

I take: eh, nothing. I am going to make an appointment with an Ayurvedic doctor though. Can’t do stuff on my own anymore. It is good. Tax money came back. I’ve got another 2-3 months to live off, another tax refund is on the way, that would be another 3-4 months. And, haha, my admin man has taken it upon him to call me every Friday to check on me. I love his man brain energy. He’s got this easy way of organising things in my head and soothing all that is flying everywhere. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

3 Things: writing this post, knowing that I am in the process of what I need to do, it is not easy for me but hey, they never said it would be. My cat who, due to her homeopathic pills has become very cuddly over the last months. My clean house, not having to wear shoes. (yes, ieew!!)

Hope you are having a good day/evening. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

Lack of direction and concentration

Not sure when it happened but somewhere in the last months I have let go of direction. I’ve quit even trying to do something – which is partially good because I was only frustrating myself with demands that were exactly too high to reach but today I finally found that indeed, there is no direction and no concentration.

I mailed the book store man that the job I applied for cancelled today. Well, even though I was not at my computer I actually knew the exact moment it dropped into my inbox. But hey, they were not asking for intuition, the were looking for somebody to do a different job. 😦 So…. you will not have to call me professor Feeling in the future. Shame, would have been nice. The job. Aaah, and yes, the title too of course. πŸ˜‰

So the book store men, he asked if I was sad about it. I replied yes, and ‘too’ because I’m coming to this point where I am realising that I can do a lot of things, when I start. And that maintenance and closing things off is just not my natural thing. And doing the same stuff over and over again neither (apart from silly mistakes and repeating character defects continuously….)Β  My mother has been complaining about that all my life, I of course never even thought of believing that untill I got sober. My horoscope has almost all the planets at one side of the wheel: the starting point and very few elsewhere. My i-tjing year/date/whatever thing seems to be the thunder and thunder sign, which can be explained as: everything comes with big insights, flashes, quick energy bursts and then nothing. So there is little continuity. I notice that in me. And it is irritating because it seems to keep me from doing stuff. Everything in this world has a beginning, a middle and an end. IΒ΄m only good at the beginning. That is not sustainable when applied at the wrong place. So now I need to go look for the right place. The book store man and I worked out over the chat that I have difficulty bearing (the stupidity of) this focus on beginnings.

And because I have that I don’t look for places where I can use it. So I went to that interview thinking: I hope there are a lot of changes so I can develop new materials…. Yeah…. that was NOT the job description. But I’m only getting that now. I feel imprisoned when everything is set. Very good that I did NOT go to any program for getting sober, it would have suited me. I need to find stuff out myself. And only when I get tired of that I can learn. Ooh, did not tell it here yet but I’m planning to go look for some AA meetings once I have my one year. πŸ™‚ I’m thinking the time is ripe and I am ripe, that is I guess that last bit is very important too :-).

That’s it. And ooh, and I cleaned the whole house. I was complaining to the book store man about not being able to bear, as in carry, this hectic Helter Skelter like thing in me, and how it confuses me and keeps me from taking myself serious because ‘I can’t do the job’. My idea is that I need to be able to carry everything from beginning to end. Well, I still judge myself over not being able to do that so I can’t elaborate. Anyhow, I guess he misunderstood something or not, he told me to just start and watch – not see- but watch what happened. Which took the plug out of this bathtub filled with resistance and I cleaned the whole house. And found out that I totally lack direction and focus and that I am all over the place. But I let it be and cleaned according to the butterfly method: start of in the kitchen, find something there that belongs in the living, take it to the living, fall over something that belongs in the sleeping room, take that to the sleeping room, see that the bed needs to be done, make the bed, find unsorted socks, sort the socks, get back to the kitchen (be surprised that it is still a mess while I am already cleaning for 10 minutes…). Start cleaning the kitchen, use a towel, see that it is dirty, sort the laundry, put it in the washing machine, see that the window of the washing machine is dirty, clean the window, while I’m cleaning there, might as well to the sink, splashed on the mirror, clean the mirror, cleaning stuff is in the kitchen, hey!? dirty kitchen, run hot water to fill the sink, water too hot, put in pots to get the label off, go to the living for a cup of tea, see books, read, remember not to be distracted, put the books on the shelf, see dust, clean dust.

It is actually an art to be able to let go and clean this way, or total stupidity, that works well too. Give it a try, it goes against a lot of things I call ‘normal’ and ‘how it should be’. But I find it interesting to do so. And today I could not do anything else because I noticed this is how I am now. Chaotic. Which… is why I’m going to see if the 12 step plan can bring me some structure. And of course I am fearing having to find a sponsor. And I am fearing religious older man already upfront which I explained extensively in a text yesterday at Paul’s blog. Which by the way is a very beautiful list of post on the subject of shame and how it lays at the base of addiction. Real cool info. πŸ™‚ And important to address too because I’m thinking shame is an emotion that hides. In order to grow I’m guessing I need to shine some light on that and shame has this dynamic that it does not show as shame. It seems to show as perfectionism, power issues, criticism etc. Check out the vid from Paul’s blog. The guy mentions it all.

My remarks on (religious) men got me, I believe 2 ‘Thank you for your honesty’s’ again. That’s when I sit back and swallow. And wish I had sat back before and swallowed. πŸ˜€ Aah, you English, with your fine speech, you Americans with your non-judgemental, politically correct approaches. Still feeling like the elephant in the porcelain cabinet. That would be a Dutch saying, but I guess you get the meaning. πŸ™‚

Where did I come from where was I heading? Ooh yes, lack of direction. I have that. And it is time to get some back. Not sure how but I guess I’ll start with: 3 meals a day again, wake up on time and see how things develop from there. Baby steps.

I am happy that I quit. Not sure why though. Which response is totally in line with the lack of focus :-D. Well, let’s turn it around: I would be devastated if I would be drinking. Ieeew! But no, I need to get to the place where I am happy that I quit. Hmmm, not a lot of happiness to be found. That is because I am not satisfied with my progress because I never finish stuff. Well, back to the topic of the post.

I take: hmmm, less chocolate, no cheese, no chips, more good food.

I want: still want things to be easier.

I need: to get a move on, blegh!

3 things: clean house, conversation with friend, and it feels like a start of a new time of awareness. I have now come to the point where I can list 3 things no problem, maybe I should now focus on really being happy about them. Because I still lack that. I have very few to no moments where I relax or am happy over what I did, have achieved, has been given. There is this constant nagging of ‘you need money’, ‘you need a job’ and the feeling guilty when I am happy without that. Conversations in my head telling me that ‘it is not enough’. ‘I am not enough’. I resent that, I’m thinking now I might be refusing to do stuff just to irritate those voices. Look! I don’t even need a mother to be childish! πŸ™‚ Time to make friends with the voices and feed my demons.

Hope you are having a nice day / evening! πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

Self care and layers

What do you know? Layers and layers. I’m at the point where I peel of one layer only to discover another underneath and one underneath and another one…. underneath.Very informative, pretty tiring too. πŸ˜€

A year ago I was in the process of getting into a detox centre and following a program to get sober. It was summer holiday so there were promises of ‘we will help you within 3 weeks’ which turned out to be 2 months or more. It was both frustrating and educative/ing?. I found out that 3 weeks would have been wonderful, but it worked out that I was not ready yet. When after 2 months the situation was still unclear and taking ‘too long’ and I noticed that I was getting emotionally dependent on the caretakers I did one of my plot-twists and detoxed by myself and put myself in my own program.

The goal of the program is to become clear, transparent. Getting rid of alcohol and any other addictions is part of that. I don’t want alcohol, the denial, the destruction that it brings, the darkness, the unclearity or any other unclearity between me and the world. It works out easier (not drinking) and more difficult (the onion layers) than I imagined it would be.

Because I thought my sense of right and wrong had not been totally corrupted yet I thought I could make that into my compass for living. Hence: feeling my way back into life. There is a disclaimer here: my urge to actually listen to what is right and wrong is not always as strong but that took me a while to find out. πŸ˜‰

I’m guessing humans are inherently good and intuitively know what is right and what is wrong. Few of us have had the privilege to be brought up in a world where this inherently good was honoured. We all have been hurt and mistreated and mistreat ourself too I guess. Because of all the hurt I’m thinking we have lost touch with the good within us. I’m trying to get that state of knowing and being back. Not drinking is one thing of that, taking care of myself another. Come to think of it, taking care of my life should be fitted in but I’m somehow struggling to fit my new self into the (old?) world.

Trying to live true and speak truth is another. I don’t want to hide anymore. I’ve done so much hiding and it was killing me. So now I speak, well, write. And low and behold, of course I spoke some truth with the bookstore man again.

My brother is away on holiday and I would like to return to my homeland to walk and bike. But not on my own :-(. My girlfriends are all either working or on holiday so I asked the store man if he felt like going. He refused politely on grounds of having to take care because of having given his heart to his girlfriend (they are back together again, yes, that does switch from day-to-day and yes, that is none of my business and no it does not make a difference but I’ll get to that later)

So… what to reply to that? Now I come to think of it I am not sure how he meant that. But that does not matter either. Since we were on the subject anyway and I have no other reply than the truth I said that I could not deny to be fond of his heart too but not to worry because I have serious doubts about being able to substantiate any of that. I actually said: can not afford to burn myself (which I surely will and already do, be it in moderation) Which in itself is a very one-sided thought so I added that if I would have thought he would have been interested he would have made a move. And as he did not, I assume he is ‘just not that into me’. Clear.

I added that I was too unstable for the dynamics we seem to conjure up anyhow and that I felt perfectly safe watching from a distance how the biology throws some romantic projections into the equation every so now and then. Hope he felt safe too, if he did not I would like (no, not like 😦 ) to hear that.

And I could write here what he replied but that would be a literal reaction of his writing so I am not sure if that is polite. And I bore you to death with my working out this book store man issue anyway. Ok, short part: ‘Thank you for your reaction, about the biology, it would be nice if that was gone. :-)’ To which I agreed. And I’m thinking, it is not useless because it actually stimulates me to look at stuff closer, and as I informed him I actually am pretty happy that I get to safely take a look at all that it conjures up. Can’t do anything with it anyway. Apart from anything, all the mechanisms involved; I’ve set my own one year rule and I’m not at 1 year. And it is not that I am overtaken by biology. Anyway… and there is this ‘little monkey coming out of my sleeve’…. I would not want to be with somebody who uses. How’s that for a nasty layer under all the layers? When I get to that spot where there would be a possibility I IMMEDIATELY go: NO!!

How’s that for an interesting find under all these layers? Very much embarrassed about it but next I worked out that I actually am very angry that he did/does not quit. It is something like ‘how dare you refuse my good intentions?’. Ieeew!! And…. sigh…. The dynamics, powerful and destructive. Good to unearth, pretty dark, eh, darker than dark. 😦 Sigh. I don’t know, I would wish I was a nicer person. How does it work? I am guessing because he does not like me as I hope he would I climb on my high horse to accuse and refuse him back. Ghegheghe…. I’m guessing that is exactly how childish it is. Sorry world. 😦 Hubris, hubris. And, who am I to point fingers? Ghegheghe, internal rightfighting going on:
I have every right to feel how I feel because I quit!!
No, that is not how it works.
I want it to work this way!
It is not how it works.
But I want it to work this way!!!! Otherwise! Otherwise! I feel powerless and alone….
Hmmmm. Yes. :-/ That is how it works.

Dynamics, forceful dynamics. I’m not really proud of this part of me. Brutal honesty?Β  Not so attractive. :-/ Did I say before that this one year rule is a very good rule?

Ha, so the conversation with the store men happened and after I went to a 2nd hand store. Checking out their books, put my pile down on a table, picked it up again and ghegheghe, I seemed to have added another book to it which was on the table already:

YES, thank you universe….!!!!! :-D. Ghegheghe…. a miracle and a well-timed yet sadly cynical book, are both just around the corner…. πŸ™‚

I am starting to realise how my standard way of being close to somebody, romantic or not, immediately turns into self-destruction when things go different from what I would like. I can’t afford that. Reading Joan Matthews Larson on depression and her statistics; only 1 in 4 make it to a year of sobriety and separate from that but also in the book: 1 in 4 (ex) alcoholics die of suicide. Knowing me, relapse would hit me hard and I would not trust me with my life if I were to relapse. Which… is a good motivator if nothing else ;-). So, self-care is back to priority number 1.

My current focus is on looking how this self-destruction button works and to where it brings me. Haven’t eaten my vegetables for days, did eat a bar of chocolate every day. That comes from a plant too. Not? And a bag of chips too, which is potatoes with paprika. Or? Putting on weight, feeling nasty and there is this fog in my head. So… I am happy I am going through this and realising it. I do some occasional crying and yesterday I went to the doctor because I just could not carry my life myself anymore. I had gotten a insect bite and developed a big red ring around it so my hypochondriac mind jumped to ‘LYME!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!! DON’T WANT ANTIBIOTICS!!!!! THAT IS POISON!!! Also my liver hurts which obviously means I have cancer, no doubt.

Went to the GP, no liver cancer, no Lyme, other animal and the ring had already partially gone and turned brown and blue. Lyme rings would grow and be red and stay for days. Of course the hypochondria in me thinks the ring is diminishing because I took some homeopathic stuff against it and the Lyme will return in the future and nobody will believe me. Thanks to not drinking anymore I actually say these things to my GP now and the says: ‘No.’ That’s cool because then I don’t have to go a second time. πŸ˜€

It is strange. I actually think my intelligence is above average. And to realise again and again and again that this has NOTHING to do with, well, almost anything is baffling. And this mind-set on destruction, it is frustrating and scary when I am in it. It is strange when I am out of it. GP found that I have tenosynovitis (infection of the end of tendon) in my left shoulder and possibly my right hip too. Both are very painful but that is not the point: the point is that I have not done anything about it. While, out of all my friends I am the one with at least a hundred natural remedies for anything in the house and I did NOTHING for weeks while I wake up at night because of the pain when I roll over the wrong way. I sometimes cry because the pain gets to me and still I don’t do anything. :-/

Self-destruction goes a long way. It is informative to find this out, for lack of another word. Stages of me learning: first comes realisation, then information and then healing. I’m not in the healing part yet so I can’t be happy about it yet. I do too little to make me happy lately. That is part of the self-destruction too. And it brings me down. Joy is good. I withhold myself from joy because I think I do not deserve it. And yes, another moaning, long post but I’m guessing this is what alcoholism is about for me: not taking care, self-destructing. And I need to find another way of dealing with this behaviour. I guess if I punish myself for doing and feeling stupid things I don’t have to feel ridiculous and powerless, alone.

The hypochondria I guess is something that comes with having a mom who developed cancer while kids are still young; which turns every mosquito bite in a possible tumor. Ooh, on mosquito bites: they don’t like me very much anymore. And if they bite it is only once and the bite is just a little red bump. NEW!!! NEW!!!! HAPPY!!! All of my life they have been after me and this summer: not. I can sit about in shorts and a singlet without worries. Guess it has to do with the Schuessler Cell Salts I have been taking. Homeopathic stuff is able to change things like this. Also, I read the hop in beer brings histamine in the body, so I guess allergic reactions to anything are bigger when drinking beer.

I am happy that I quit but I’m shaking in my stylish yet affordable boots; august 25th is the year anniversary, don’t want to fast forward to that time because sobriety is in the now but I notice these forces inside which are BIG!! Specifically the one saying: if you can make it to a year without any problems, alcohol is not your issue. And I do believe that is true. <- That is one of my biggest worries currently – I can not seem to find an intellectually satisfying answer to it. And I used to do the free, online alcohol desensitization training (;-) No I don’t have shares) but I had to make a new entry and the reminder mail now comes in another e-mail address an I am too low in self-care to actually open that.

I’m thinking I can not risk drinking if I don’t have an income. But that is not a good answer, that is calculating, I think calculating is a very addicty thing. It is within me. I can not risk it but (<- addict speak) somehow there is this pull to take me out of this time, out of what I am feeling out of the continuously aching shoulder, away from the liver pain that worries me, away from the gaining weight, away from admin, away from having to present myself for jobs, away from the pain I feel over being stupid and somewhere down the line falling in love with somebody who has no interest. AGAIN!

I have this destructive pattern where I always fall for people who exactly do not like me totally. My idea of love and friendship seems to be: they tolerate me until they throw me out. And I adjust my behavior to it. I notice I expect people to not like me. I behave like such. I always show off the nasty bits, overshare it looks like to just keep that awful dynamic of not being part of the group, not belonging, going on. My momΒ΄s idea of me was very much: ‘I can’t carry you, you are too much.’ She would always moan when she lifted me as a child: ‘you are so heavy’. I was normal, often underweight, no heaviness going on, I loved to be lifted and cuddled and every time I got: ‘You are so heavy.’

Feeling back in time I guess that is where I learned forcefulness to get what I want, break through this wall. And now I continue to force myself to be exactly that; too much and I physically moved to the place where I am too heavy too.

Ha, on not belonging. I like the book store man because I have the idea he understands what I say, even the strange bits. Last week he comes up with; ‘I don’t know anybody who thinks like you.’ Kedeng, brain in overdrive. Not sure if was a compliment or remark or insult. Don’t think it was an insult, did check for it though. Don’t dare to ask either. My ego made me smile on the outside and on the inside everything that wants to be normal caved in. The FUCK!!Β  HeΒ΄s got a fucking book store filled with people who think strange (strangely?), non mainstream thoughts! He works for years in a store where truth be said, the weirdest people of the Netherlands walk in. I donΒ΄t want to fit out. I want to, be normal. I want to belong.

I am not strange the only thing that is strange about me is that I mention the strangeness in me and the rest of the world is too chicken to do so. And yes, sorry for that :-(. It’s not true and there were it might partially be true, it is not fair because I put it out there because I feel have not other choice. The weirdness in me is so confusing. I guess people who do not put their weirdness out in a blog have the choice to keep it with them. I don’t know. I just want to see what is left behind when I’ve put it all out here and can look at it from a distance. Peel the onion, or see what is on the bottom of the pit I’m currently in. Part of what I see now is that I am so convinced that I will never fit in that I make myself do and say stuff that suits that profile. Like writing long depressing posts. :-/ Gosh this is getting tedious!

I find my learning path lately lacks pink clouds and happiness, that is not sustainable. Life without joy is not sustainable. I need to go do stuff that makes me happy. Self care. And I would really, really enjoy an ayahuasca ceremony to sort out my connection to the world. The last Ayahuasca ceremony I did my Ayahuasca spirit and I set a date for another time where she would show me how I connect to the world. It is time for learning that. πŸ™‚ And in between I should go looking for stuff which makes me happy. Just self-care until the real care latches on again I guess.

I need: self-care

I want: somebody else to do it for me. Ghegheghe… well, that’s how it is. πŸ˜€

I take: some homeopathic stuff against imaginary Lyme. πŸ™‚ andΒ  chocolate, cheese, chips. Hmmm, I seem to be in my Ch period.

3 Things: going to the GP ask her to help me deal. Which enables me to write this post and look at self-destruction. It is not nice, it hurts, it is awkward, it feels uncomfortable but well, I’m guessing growth is there where it feels funny.

I found my intellectually satisfying answer to why not to drink after a year: quitting alcohol might not have been a tremendous obstacle but the addictive structure is BIG in me. I do not want to reinforce that because it is destructive. I do not want destruction, I want to live. Better get to it then. πŸ™‚

You know. I’ve got it. I don’t give a shit anymore: if my heart wants to follow its way and be happy and love that is ok. That it is not received that is painful but there is no shame in that. The shame starts with the wanting and the needing and the covering up. Ok. Now I’ve got it. πŸ™‚

If you are still here to read this after another way too long post with some depression, an insult (sorry for that 😦 ), despair and finally some insight, I wish you a very nice day / evening.

Just did a bit of self-care. πŸ™‚ Watercress salad with cucumber, celery, carrot, orange slices, pecan (walnut would be nicer) and a neutral oil, orange juice, little mustard, honey, salt and pepper dressing. Good on me. Step 1 πŸ™‚
salade

On dealing with anger and how things changing now can change history

Yeah! My book ‘Depression free, naturally‘ from Joan Mathews Larson is in! Oooh, I love it! Got it as a present from the book store man for watching the store. Not that I’m so depressed but I do have mood swings. Ooh, you noticed? They have been there all my life and currently I’m thinking that I should just get a job and get it over with – which I guess is a very reasonable solution too. But somehow I’m not done with what (ever it is) I am doing so this is how it goes. The book also has beautiful info on hypoglycemia and different types in that. Loving it. πŸ™‚ All this information, research bundled in one book. Imagine the time it takes to learn this on your own and then it is just here to absorb. Hmmmm. πŸ™‚ Thank you Joan! πŸ™‚ Thank you book store man! πŸ™‚

Went to pick up the book today and ended up speaking with the book store man about his falling out the other day (plenty of posts back). How it had affected me and how I am still trying to learn to deal with it. :-/ How I, in my reaction I had internally immediately drawn a parallel between my mothers falling out (she had been overworked, depressed and seriously ill for years – that hardly does miracles for the mood :-/), my fear of that and his lashing out. By the way: the thing he was angry about was fair enough, I had crossed his borders and I should not have done so. We spoke about that too. And I understand he got angry, it’s just this lashing out, it was off the scale. He’s got this on/off switch when it comes to being angry. I believe the whole thought of saying ‘With that you are violating my borders and I do not appreciate that’ does not even cross his mind. But neither did I when he got angry. So… something with pot and kettle and black.

We spoke. I told him I was learning how to understand that this anger was about him, not about me. And thank god for the book store man: he could just listen to that and be ok with it. πŸ™‚ It is funny how taking my place there and explaining this seemed to also repair the historical contact I have with my deceased mother. I could see our interactions in another light. Not totally there yet but there is something moving, breathing again. πŸ™‚ I would advise you all your own book store man πŸ™‚

I continued with that I had not worked out yet to not push the self-destruct button after this but that I had noticed I did. So he questioned me and we found out that when somebody is angry with me I think I do not have the right to live. This goes from not having the right to do as I do or says as I say to not feel as I feel or be as I am -> no right to live. And then I push the button so ‘with self-destruction at least I do something good’. It is a sad dynamic I have got going there. 😦

At one point the store man tried to tell me that this destruction was never intended. I did take my right to contradict him there and said that his lashing out had the intention to break things, to destruct. That was agreed upon, which is good. He said he had hoped to never be as angry again as he has been the past year. I wish the same for him. πŸ™‚

I have been feeling through this, thinking about how and what and when. Anger, it starts with being somehow damaged, overwhelmed which causes me to fall apart internally. The falling apart ignites fear for loss of control and I need the force and organisational power of anger to put all the fallen pieces back together. Also, within anger I internally distance myself from what I don’t want which creates space I need, safety. Anger also brings up all these hormones which generally make us (me!) feel strong and secure. Good too. :-).

I am thinking that anger is about projection, generally we get angry over things we can not bear ourselves and therefore do not allow in others. Of course there is justifiable anger like when somebody I don’t know, does something illegal, mean, crosses borders. But as I see it most of people’s anger is… well more an expression of an internal clash, and a projection of that clash onto the other. Like how a perfectionist can get extremely irritated with a person who just lets it all hang. Or how a tight ass can dislike other people having fun. How a skinny person can be very judgemental of bigger people.

Melanie Klein has a theory on this, I hope I can explain it correctly: babies are not born stupid, they are socially well equipped and learn how to adjust their behaviour in order to survive / live from day one. They baby is totally dependent on the mother, the mother is heaven. Then, when the mother withdraws because of whatever reason, the baby learns. Since the mother is heaven, if the mother goes or is angry, the baby assumes he/she herself must be bad / hell / deserving of such bad treatment.

What I remember from the explanation I got on this is that this is the build in / organic / biological construction in which lays the basis for learning about right and wrong behaviour. I’m guessing shame and guilt are based here too. Currently thinking that if a parent punishes a child for unwanted behaviour that can be done by forcing guilt and / or shame on them. I guess what I do when somebody gets angry I immediately push the shame button.

So, back to Melanie Klein, order BrenΓ© Brown and possibly get my hands on something about disciplining kid, I’m guessing there is something there I have not looked at. Maybe, maybe I find something in there that tells me how to not push the self-destruct button. πŸ™‚ But first my depression free book yeah! πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit even though by now I’m getting a bit tired of my slow progress. Guess that has to do with me having pushed the self destruct button and there with having given up on things. Hmmm. :-/ That would be food for another post.

I take: Aah! Expensive self-care: lazy sushi this evening; 1 avocado in pieces, half a cucumber in pieces, eco salmon and shrimps. And chocolate but I left the chips in the bag.

I need: to get to bed.

I want: to find rest in my head, not to run away from my thoughts so much. I’m only with my thoughts when writing. And even that would be an escape from the admin I have not done yet. This umbrella of denial surrounding me is still very strong. I wonder if a programme would have broken through that easier. Also, I am scared to let go because it is there for a reason. I am fearing that I can not deal with what I see when I am faced with the truth. But maybe, maybe…. that is just another construction of sorts. Guessing Bach remedies (aah, the fix from the outside!) could ease my way into this one.

3 Things; speaking about anger with the bookstore man and the insights and internal shifts that come with it, my new book and a new attempt at self care. πŸ™‚

This learning stuff is difficult, thank you for being here with me. πŸ™‚

I hope you have a good weekend! πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling