But this is how I understand how it works

The former post ‘This is how I should have done it :-)’ is about the logical approach to the boss/work issue. If I had any control left I might have taken that approach. However, the below vid from Teal Swan on intermittent reinforcement explains to me exactly the DYNAMICS of the relationship with my boss and why I did not leave IMMEDIATELY when she said something like ‘Well, I usually give, well, anybody a chance at this so why not you.’ in the job interview.

This vid explains my relationship with my boss, well, frankly with any man in my life too. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Now I understand how she does it. How I react, how wrong it is. Why it eats at me.

If ever you wonder why you can’t say NO to somebody, or why I did not do so earlier at my work ;-); here is the answer.

What would a woman who loves herself do? Watch Iron Man, get to be early. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit. Since I quit drinking information like this just pops up to help me along.

Hope you enjoy Teals work. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

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Trying to moderate the beta blockers

New challenge. Since doing my admin still does not ‘work’ I might as well do something that I think/thought I am good at: quitting. First time in my life I will try to do this by moderation. I’m not so good at moderating (haha) but the enclosed paper says that I should take at least 2 weeks of moderation before quitting. Quitting cold turkey may lead to sudden death -> not good. But luckily that counts for people with heartproblems and I think I only have high blood pressure.

My blood pressure has been just within the boundaries of normal for about 2-3 months now so I thought I would quit my beta blockers. I have this whole schedule where I moderate. Yeah, schedule, plan… pffff.

I had 1 pill of 50mg a day. Now I take 2 of 25mg. But it is actually very uncomfortable to live on the halved dose. I hardly slept last night because of the pfffffffrrrrrrr things in my heart, like a butterfly caught in a jar. Which made me anxious and that got me in a funny circle; anxious, heart palpitations (is that the word?) -> more anxious -> more palpitations. And the cat did not like it either, she became anxious too and ran through the house like crazy for at least 2 hours. And only when I calmed down she did.

I rang the pill factory for some advice. They say it takes 4-5 days to get used to a new dose.

I finally did find out that taking deep breaths actually immediately works calming. ๐Ÿ™‚ Oxygen is good, calm is good. And now I need to get out in the rain and bike 8 km to a place where I have to do stuff. Let’s say: good, oxygen, movement :-).

I am wondering how much of my lack of anxiety while quitting was covered up by the beta blocker. We shall see. :-/ I will go back to my old dose if I think quitting the pills endanger my sobriety. Which would actually mean that these pills, over the years, have become a substitute addiction and that bothers me. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Well, I bother me, that is the issue. Note to self: stop moaning.

If anybody has any info on quitting beta blockers I would be delighted to hear about that.ย  ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks in advance.

Happy that I quit, not happy today with what I do or what or why or whatever. Tired.

Substitute addiction / time to get a move on

It’s my 2 months sober anniversary! ๐Ÿ™‚ And after reading Belle’s post this morning I remembered why I never signed up for a 100 challenge day; I thought I needed to get sober for forever. Yes, ‘looking for help’ was not in my dictionary. But I am going to ask help. If all is well I am meeting somebody next Tuesday – not a professional –ย  that I hope is going to help me with my eating pattern and daily life.

I do cheat a little on the trusting ‘not a professional’ because she is a vicars wife and she wants to be a professional in her specialisation and I am the guinea pig. ๐Ÿ™‚ But I hope she can help me get on with the practical part of life because I still rather read blogs and blog but that will not bring bread to the table….

So… Reading blogs this morning (while I should actually be doing admin) I came to the post from Greg W who reblogged a post about substitute addiction from which I copied this part:

He writes that the addict in recovery โ€œmay maintain potentially magical thinking that the Higher Power will fix him or her without engaging in corrective actionโ€ฆand may try to use rituals of connection to a Higher Power as means to escape from painful feelings.โ€

Some of you might know that I am not religious but I do really like the spiritual-like insights and experiences that I have ever so now and then. I do not only like the Ahaa Erlebnis but also the relatively easy way it gets me to understand stuff. And even though I sometimes have to dig deep and face a lot of shit, it feels like I don’t really have to work for it. Which is I guess, true-ish. For me it is easier to feel my way through stuff and blog about it then, I don’t know… how do you solve issues? I actually don’t know what the other option is. Well maybe this explains it: it is easier for me to ride a craving and experience what it is trying to tell me, where it comes from and where it wants to take me than actually fighting it.

I know I can’t do the fighting. I would be afraid that I would lose I guess. Alcohol is strong. Do I lack willpower? Yes! No! Don’t know… My willpower has just been trained to say ‘I want to drink!’ And that statement feels very willpowery and convincing and real and true. I only realise that my willpower is fooling me when I get to the last check which is: ‘Does is make me drink?’ Yes -> not good, beware. Can I fight it? I don’t think so. And I do not want to try to fight it because I think I will lose. That scares me. Addiction runs deep.

So I need to find something that does work from my sober tool box. Most of the time that is bringing my thoughts, fears, feelings to the light. Which is ok. It has worked so far. Happy that I quit. But I’ve had so many beautiful insights in my addiction that by now I feel that if I don’t get enlightened at least once a day that I am not really alive. New addiction? Yes, it feels like it because I feel I have become dependent on it. And also no because it has transformational qualities in it. True addictions don’t do transformations do they? It feels like those experiences change my mindset, my cells, my DNA, my view on life and I need that.

To which my inner voice says: ‘Stop shitting yourself, you are addicted to life changing experience, you get bored if you do not experience stuff. And when you get bored your addict starts to speak up and you get to the danger zone. In alcohol you found freedom of the physical boundaries and you forgot what you call ‘the misery that binds you to the earth’. You now crave the explosion of inner freedom that is in the Ahaa experiences.’

๐Ÿ˜ฆ True. Or ๐Ÿ™‚ True!!! So what now? So that is a wonderful insight and because I am experiencing this totally happy feeling about this conversations with me I can not imagine why I need to do anything about it. ๐Ÿ˜€ Gheghegheghe.

And I wrote the below paragraphs before I got the above conversation with myself, now I just can’t see what I was worried about. I actually am high on experience. Wicked! ๐Ÿ˜€ While 10 Minutes ago that I was worried and probably should be but I can’t feel it now:

Happy that I quit, not happy with that I am not doing the stuff I need to do. Yesterday I had such a big insight in how I face things that the insight itself gave me a splitting headache and I went back to bed and slept for hours. And I was doing exactly NOT what I should be doing. Which is the same I do now. Again and again and again and again. There is another part where I do not want to be clear. Hiding behind stuff, blog.

Enough thinking, here’s an anniversary song. For all of you that are out there and that are, or ar not on the happy train. Join in, sing along. ๐Ÿ™‚

Now that I am reading back what I wrote I realise the intention of not doing stuff and berating me about it. I always seem to need something to keep myself down. (I am thinking ‘attached to the world’?) God forbid I should be genuinely happy and content with myself. Can’t have that now can we?

Yes, we can!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Say who was not doing what she needed to do???