This week I found a lost girl, 6 years old, she had ran away. Guess I also need to say that I brought her back where she belonged :-D. Today I spotted the 5th (?) lost cat since I came to live here 12 years ago. I took my own cat in from the street here. The cat is also happy that I quit :-). Sitting in the communal (is that the word?) garden trying to connect to the stray cat: ‘When will somebody find me?’ Think I have done too much bonding to the stray already since I am sad and lost and lonely. I would really like somebody to put me together again when I fall apart. Not sure if that is a good relationship description though…
Worked today, working 5 days a week fulltime due to other peoples holidays. I’m in a different position now, I need to do a lot of counting and calculating of the top of my head. I am pretty good at that, or must say: I am pretty good at that when I am not under pressure. This job IS under pressure. I screwed up big time today. My boss says she will replace me tomorrow afternoon “Not because I think you do a bad job, but because I can not afford to have things turn to shit when I am not here.” Which I understand. But it feels not good. I think she meant it.
I did such stupid things today. And when I said “Sorry for botching up you going home early” He said: “I do not mind, you are new at this.” I could not believe his words! Ever since the last post I have been struggling with the concept of doing things wrong and NOT beating myself up for it. I NEED that because the beating myself up actually takes energy I do not have with the lingering concussion and the not so lingering but very present: “I do not want to be alive because I am scared to do this wrong.” The stupid thing is: I am well educated, this is an un schooled job. I have difficulty doing it. Not because I can’t, but because I am afraid I can’t. So, I have good practise every day to ‘be in the moment’ otherwise I screw up. Every so many minutes I have to fight the urge to run away. I guess this is how I have learned to deal in life, I guess this is what I need to change. My head keeps singing “I don’t want to be here.” That is not only about the work I fantasise I do wrong but it is also about life. I go through life while not wanting to be here. I think that is my biggest karma issue. All the first chakra things I botch up.
And I can write about this on end but I need to get to bed if I want to be performing tomorrow. 🙂 And I want to. I want to learn to do this right because it is practise in wanting to be here, in this life, and to keep my head clear, not zone out, not fade out, not well, not that. I want to be clear. Oooh, I so do not want to be clear. Well, that. CONTINUOUSLY. :-D. Again I am exactly where I need to be.
I am happy that I quit. Damn I would have eeeeeew, drank a lot today if I had not. Brrrrrrr, nasty. I’m off to bed. And no chocolate btw for today! By the time I was done with the stray cat it was too close to bed time to have any. I checked with the woman who loves herself and she says that going to bed is more important than the spell check and editing. Hope it is not too horrible.
I hope you are happy that you quit too. 🙂