Ha, having 2 meetings today with, ok, semi professionals who I intend to tell my story. I was utterly stoked untill a few moments where I realised that my secrecy also feels like a tool in the toolbox of ‘how I hold myself together’. I am guessing that is a big function of secrecy.
I have 8 minutes and a half an hour bike ride to come up with a another system that keeps me whole.
Naah, stuff it. The keeping whole is not the thing, it might even be dangerous because it causes a thinking that status quo is good. I’ll go with repairing back to secure.
Or haha, maybe, maybe I should not worry about the future because I am not in the future. Let things be. Like… why can it not be so that this is going to be a wonderful meeting? I had not thought of that. And I keep on writing meating instead of meeting so I am guessing I really am scared.
No need. I trust her for who she is, and she’s a vicars wife. Shouldn’t that say something? Or? No matter, I trust her.
Practise: what do I fear? what do I hope? What do I expect?
Fear: total emotional collapse and relapse. I also fear that she will from now on ‘worry’ about me and treat me different and overwhelm me with care.
Hope: Hope? What is that? NO! Not going there! I hope it is a good conversation where I will be able to learn to speak about sobriety and drinking with the first non, ok, semi-professional in my life who knows and deal with what comes with that.
Expect: chaos that I am trying to manage and is uncomfortable.
Now how’s that for doomsday thinking? 🙂 I’ll go with the I trust her and I trust me. And I have not finished my homework so I should be off right now.
I am happy that I quit, ready to make a next step. Wish me luck! Have a nice day!