Finding hope in a bottle – but differently

Ok, the thought for after dinner was to select some Bach remedies on finding hope. Bach remedies are natural remedies which influence the emotional state of a person. I always benefit from them greatly but when I go down into a pit I have issues selecting them because I don’t feel worth taking care of me. And I am always too late. I have to stand with my back against to wall to actually start taking care of me.

This is a chart of the traditional English Bach Remedies. Several people around the world have developed their own sets, like the Californian remedies. These are keywords, online or in books you can find more detailed info.

I was not sure how to select what I am looking for but I started crying at Gorse, Olive, Star of Bethlehem, Sweet Chestnut and Wild Oat. So I guess that makes it clear.

Adding Cherry Plum and Rock Rose to soften the blow a bit.  Even though it is dangerous to take Cherry Plum when without professional help. I think I have the worst behind me so I guess I am safe.

With homeopathy and Bach remedies there can be the danger of extreme aggravation when the energetic system is awakened by the medicine. I have a pretty reactive system so when I take a remedy against ‘irrational fears’ e.g. I will spend 2 days fearing the whole CIA, KGB, NSA and Facebook are on my case and that the remedy is actually pro-irrational fears and that this is done to me by purpose bla bla bla bla bla. At day 3 I do not worry anymore and can not even believe I ever came up with a thought like that.

Theoretically Wild Oat would be something for when I am ready to look for work again, not for emergencies, but the word ‘alienated’ sticks with me. My brother was killed in the womb by a chemical process which in plain English would be called ‘alienating’ and my first name is based on a noun derived from the verb ‘alienating’. Yeah. I am not surprised I have difficulty landing in this world and uphold a typical view of its inhabitants :-D. Wild Oat, to get my feet back on the ground?

Ok, the above list is quite long, I prefer taking 2 or 3 remedies at the time.

Agrimony is good for anybody with an addictive personality. Not taking that now though because I am opening up by myself and I don’t want to mess with that process currently. Not sure why, all of a sudden for the one process I think I need Bach remedy help and for the other I find it ‘messing’. Which… might strenghten the thought that one can not medicate oneself. 😉 You are welcome to give it a try btw. I am curious to learn what you think.

Willow gave the sensation of a cold, bitter lightning through my body. Resentment is certainly something to look at. Specifically because somewhere in my mind there is this cold voice saying: “They deserve my hatred.” (yikes!!) But now is not the time. Or? No. Not now.

I would assume anybody reading this would want to give me Honeysuckle. I am not taking this because it is about romantisizing the past. I thought I did not do that. Until I just read an online addition from Edward Bach: “They do not expect further happiness such as they have had.” which would be true for the womb-dream I have. No greater happiness than being in the womb with somebody who is somebody else, but me. Never alone, experiencing everything without speaking. I like you because you are me – you like me because I am you. Food for analyses. We might have had Narcissus for breakfast. Not sure.

We are us,
You are us,
I am us,
We are you!
We are me!
I am you,
You are me.

You died.

It is called the dream of the womb. Which then turned into the hell of the womb. I realise that I long back to that dream and I will never, as long as I live, experience the intensity, the wholeness of that contact again. Hole in the soul.

I am happy that I quit. 🙂 I assume, know, the mess would be bigger if I had not. Again. I would not be alive. In the last few weeks I have somehow found that I am worth saving. Or learned to not give a shit about others opinion of me anymore, maybe. That would take some pressure off too. Not sure. I am still scared, what if I save myself and fall back in the pit? I am scared but I am going to try anyway. I think I can do this. I mean, I quit drinking and I thought I could not do that. I started with writing down what I was scared of and did not know. And then I started looking for answers. I can do that again. I have got plenty of time. Well, The Universe gave us all we needed for Life, so let’s see what tools I have and can apply.

Ok, I am happy that I quit. Gonna make my remedy mix now. 1 Or 2 drops of each in a bottle of a liter water. Then poor half a glass and fill up with water again.

Bach remedies are 40% alcohol I believe. So the concoction can still smell like alcohol but somehow it does not hinder me. I have these remedies stored in the brain box ‘medicine’ and that keeps me from linking this smell to drinking. It has never been in the brain box ‘drink’. Funny side note: there is a lemonade I can not drink because I used to drink it when trying to moderate. And I projected my drinking thoughts on it. So now it feels like drinking alcohol when I smell it. :-D. The mind is strange.

Wishing you a good sober day / evening. Thanks for reading.

xx, Feeling

Looking for Hope

After my visit to the government doctor I visited my GP. We worked out that I would get help. Up till then I had thought along the same lines as when being addicted to drinking: if I just do this and that, all will be well. This and that would be ‘moderate’ when I was drinking. Currently it would be ‘wake up on time, shower, dress, eat well, excercise, socialize, go to be early’. And then I found it did not work anymore.

Not all was not well. That night I went into a psychotic episode force 5 on a 10 point scale. That was extremely scary. I had to pull everything together not to lose my mind. I realised that my fear of losing my mind put extra pressure on whatever it was that was happening. So with what was left I deliberately looked through my toolbox. I found: breath, relax, drink water, pat the cat and EFT and EMDR. I did not have the energy for EFT but I did move my eyeballs from left to right and back repeatedly. In only seconds I relaxed, yawned and found a little footing. WONDERFUL. It helped me through the next half hour and I fell asleep. Sleeping is better. Next days I keep on moving my eyeballs left and right and I can literally feel the pressure receding. Immediately. Wonderful. 🙂 Thank you Louise and all others who are involved for pointing me at this methode. 🙂

I also found: call somebody. I can not remember why I dismissed that. Possibly because it was night. Most likely because I do not want people to think I have gone over the edge.

I just read my former post again. Sound quite crazy, difficult to read.  Things got worse. Some of you might have read the post where I spoke about the abuse issues I encountered in New Zealand. My niece just moved over there. She is 17 years old. She has not even been there a full month I believe and she has been forcefully kissed against her will by a guy at a party. Photo’s were made too and used against her when she replied in a chat that she did not like it. This is the same niece I wanted to have a talk with about safety and well, the rape culture before she went to NZ, her mother ‘forbade’ that. Same mother and father (my brother) who laughed at her and the situation when she reported guys had put a wager on who ‘got her first’. She is lesbian but not out of the closet in NZ.

Not sure how but I sensed something was off, I don’t know, the photos of outings just looked too glamorous but her personality was not filling up the gap between her and the glamour. I started chatting. It took me 2 hours of chatting with her before she finally came clear on what had happened and she still is too ashamed and traumatized to give the details.

She does not want me to inform her parents. I haggled a deal with her that she connects with a teacher at school the moment she feels scared. Also that she will tell the counsellor of the exchange organisation whom she meets this week.

I know this is not about me but at some point I was wondering: how the hell am I to stay sane during this? This theme in my life where I sense and see danger and nobody listens and bad things happen. Even after they happen people laugh and traumatized persons get dissed. It is, well, very unpleasant. Traumatizing in itself. Eyes left, right, left, right, left. Breathe….. yawn. I yawn within 10 times left and right. 🙂 Not sure what that is about. Guess I am tired.

And I am sick and tired of things like these pushing me towards the edge. There must be another way of dealing with this.

I am grateful that I have this 6th sense where I can literally feel around the world that a person I know is in trouble. I am grateful that I have enough knowledge of speaking with traumatized people to be able to hold some space for her. I am absolutely pissed that she has to go through this. I am absolutely pissed that I have to go through this. I am absolutely pissed at this sick sick world.

Ok. Thanks for reading that :-).

So…. I’m looking for therapists. I’m thinking I would like to start with a therapist on vanishing twin syndrome. There are several around by now but many are ‘far’ away. I am scared to travel currently. I guess I could speak with friends and ask them to go with me. Also…. if this is so intense, maybe I should wait till I am a little more stable. But then again… will I get stable if I do not address the main issue.

Maybe the main issue is not having hope left. I was thinking about this. Can’t believe the jokes the Universe plays on me because I IMMEDIATELY got a FB message on ‘Hope in these dark Trump times’. 🙂 It was good. 🙂

Ok. If the main issue is not having any hope left, I have Bach remedies on the subject of Hope in my toolbox. I keep on not wanting to do the work to get me healthy and back because I am SO SICK of falling back in this dark pit. The loneliness. The despair. The pain of seeing how things are run in this world. Again and again walking into people and situations which press my buttons. Not being able to deal with that. The sensitivity which sometimes feels like I am walking around without skin and everybody can look into my soul. Hahaha, and if they don’t they can read this blog ;-). Ghegheghe…. eh…

Ok, I need to step up my game. I have found parts of self-love where I now believe I do matter. In the process of allowing me to live, I also decided that I do not suck – the whole world sucks. This is not a personal thing, it is ‘just’ governments, multinationals like Monsanto and Shell, environmental polluters, rapists etc.) I guess in time this will balance out. Now I ‘just’ (?) do not have the energy anymore and I am scared for relapsing into where I am now. Hmmm…. I am scared to relapse so I stay still down in the pit. Hmmm…. food for thought.

I put the word ‘just’ between quotes because I have an issue with that word. I noticed it is used by me and others to quickly skip past something which is can/must/should/whatever be mentioned. It is a word to help hide stuff. Not sure what I am hiding. My justs are never just. Which is a very funny sentence. A scary one. I’m leaving it in here. Future will tell what it means. Feels like there is something lying its ass off here and I can’t see it. 😀 OMG, well, future will tell. Ok, future is here, it is in the paragraph already, I started off with it; whenever I want to use ‘just’ I skip feelings, that is unjust about it. My justs are never just.

Ok, cooking time and after that tea time and looking up Bach remedies on hope. 🙂

Thank you for reading. I do realise that I unload on this page and it is not elegant. I can totally understand when this is too much for people. I would wish to carry messages of ‘hope’ and baking cakes but that is not the flavour of the dish called ‘Feeling’. I wish it were different.

I am happy that I quit. I, haha, would be such a mess if I had not. 😀 Yeah, realising that things could be way worse. 🙂 Realising that is good.

Wishing you a nice sober evening/day.

xx, Feeling

Self-rape in practice – Stormy Daniels

A few posts ago I wrote about self-rape, a word I made up for me to describe unwanted sexual acts I have performed and were performed on me because I did not have the guts to say no. I am not referring to situations where saying “No” would have had bad or worst consequences; there are a lot of sick men who are enticed by some ‘struggling’. I am talking about situations where a “No” would have not gone down well, but it would have been listened to without consequences. I, for me, call having not-voluntary sex when there could have been a no sex ‘self-rape’. It is not that I wanted it, but in me the option to say no was first taken away, and then when it partially grew back, it went unpractised. Still not good at it now but I want to become good at it. 🙂

I am in a process of uncovering layers and layers of old behaviour and memories in the hope to undo damage and to un-addict. I am aware that those who are in a different place/situation with this subject might have different opinions on this. But for me this is what it is right now. This is how I perceive it now.

It is very unfortunate that my childhood spirit was already broken before I could even make up my adult mind on what and how when it came to sex. At age 48 I still often wonder about my sexual orientation, not sure if I really like women physically, intellectually and emotionally or sometimes dislike men because of the memories. And so I walked a path of self-destruction which has been and is painful. These days I start to understand how far-reaching my self-destructive acts where and are. But watching the Stormy Daniels 60 minutes interview I realised I am not the only one. The part which worries me most starts at 1:40 and ends at 3:24.

In the transcript below I made the worrying parts in a bold lettering – if WP catches on to that in the quote mode…. Self-hate, self-destruction, self-rape speaking loudly – in my ears. She passes it off as a business deal, but how split does a person have to be in order to do this?  How do you perceive this?

Stormy Daniels describes her alleged affair with Donald Trump

Anderson Cooper: You had dinner in the room?

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Anderson Cooper: What happened next?

Stormy Daniels: I asked him if I could use his restroom and he said, “Yes, you know, it’s through those– through the bedroom, you’ll see it.” So I– I excused myself and I went to the– the restroom. You know, I was in there for a little bit and came out and he was sitting, you know, on the edge of the bed when I walked out, perched.

Anderson Cooper: And when you saw that, what went through your mind?

Stormy Daniels: I realized exactly what I’d gotten myself into. And I was like, “Ugh, here we go.” (LAUGH) And I just felt like maybe– (LAUGH) it was sort of– I had it coming for making a bad decision for going to someone’s room alone and I just heard the voice in my head, “well, you put yourself in a bad situation and bad things happen, so you deserve this.”

Anderson Cooper: And you had sex with him.

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Anderson Cooper: You were 27, he was 60. Were you physically attracted to him?

Stormy Daniels: No.

Anderson Cooper: Not at all?

Stormy Daniels: No.

Anderson Cooper: Did you want to have sex with him?

Stormy Daniels: No. But I didn’t– I didn’t say no. I’m not a victim, I’m not–

Anderson Cooper: It was entirely consensual.

Stormy Daniels: Oh, yes, yes.

Anderson Cooper: You work in an industry where condom use is– is an issue. Did– did he use a condom?

Stormy Daniels: No.

Anderson Cooper: Did you ask him to?

Stormy Daniels: No. I honestly didn’t say anything.

Anderson Cooper: After you had sex, what happened?

Stormy Daniels: He said that it was great, he had– a great evening, and it was nothing like he expected, that I really surprised him, that a lotta people must underestimate me– that he hoped that I would be willing to see him again and that we would discuss the things we had talked about earlier in the evening.

Anderson Cooper: Being on The Apprentice.

Stormy Daniels: Right.

Stormy Daniels:  I thought of it as a business deal.

Full interview and transcript here.

Am I the only one who finds this behaviour sad, worrysome, self-destructive? And, for another thing: this is not something that needs to be advocated as a reason to have sex AND not something to be advocated as consensual.  ‘Not wanting to but feeling not being able to get out of it’ does NOT equal consent. It does not equal rape either according to the law. Energetically I think she violates her and his integrity.

Let me conclude that both people were not where I think it is healthy to be. She having sex with a guy she does not want, he not even aware or not caring that he is sharing something not given in joy. In Trumps words: “Sad”.

I am happy that I quit.

Wishing you a wonderful sober day with many good sober thoughts and haha, maybe a serenity prayer. 😉 I could use some thorough insight in that now for both posting on somebodye elses sex-life and for not doing what I should be doing in the meantime. So here:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

 

The land of no self-hate

A lot of time I wonder why I am at home, doing nothing for the so maniest time in my life. However, I do feel that it is needed for me to sink another level back into the truth, to peel another layer of the onion, to work through some reoccurring issues.

Currently I am trying to work out how self-hate works. Years ago I found out that I hate myself because ‘when I hate myself, at least I do something good’. The subject needs looking into because I have been in a very bad place on and off for the last months and I am not sure how to cope with this eternal darkness attacking me. I know it is me doing the attacking – but I did not know how. And somehow I need to intellectually and energetically understand the mechanics of something to be able to deal.

When it comes to self-hate, all I did know is that I have developed it as a ‘safe guard’ between me and my parents, mom in particular. Who, by the way, did her own lot of self-hating too. 😦 I am guessing, if you are in a situation where anxiety, addiction, self-harm and other destructive behaviour shows up, you might want to check out this vid from Teal Swan. Hope it brings you as much insight as it did me. 🙂

And this is the text from the video, if you prefer to read:

Self Hate, The Most Dangerous Coping Mechanism

Coping mechanisms are strategies and behaviors that are carried out to mitigate, manage or adapt to anything that causes distress.  If we cope with something, we do so because we feel we cannot change the stressor itself. We have to adapt to it so that the hurt we feel as a result of it is decreased or eliminated.  We would all hope for a world that did not have to be coped with. Alas, that is not the world we currently live in and so it must be said that even though all coping mechanisms hold the potential to be limiting and damaging to a person in the long run, certain coping mechanisms can be more detrimental than others.  And the most dangerous coping mechanism is self-hate.

At first glance it may be hard to see how self-hate could possibly be a coping mechanism.  After all, self-hate can’t possibly decrease a person’s distress can it? The answer is yes it can.  And to see how, we much journey back to the genesis of this coping mechanism.When we look at a dysfunctional home, what we find is that the root of each person’s self concept in the family system is shame.  This feeling of shame has been passed down from generation to generation. It is the primary stressor in the household. Everyone has to find a way to cope with that shame.  The ways they cope with that shame set up the dysfunctional family system and determine what role each person will play in it.

To understand how self hate develops, we must see that if one or more of the parents is dealing with a baseline self concept of shame, a child being different to that parent in any way or even asserting a boundary will trigger that feeling of shame.  It will invalidate their identity, which they already subconsciously think is bad. This is why the golden child in a family will learn to cope by throwing their identity out the window as a strategy to avoid being shamed and ostracized within the family.  They will become a ‘mini me’ as an adaptive strategy to the parent they feel they must please in order to stay safe with.

The child that cannot adapt by throwing their identity out the window and whom can’t find a way to please the adult consistently for a multitude of reasons will be so upsetting to the self concept of the parent that the parent will subconsciously turn against the child.  They may say, “I love you” to this child and try to do loving things for them, but the truth of how they really feel is not what they are presenting on the surface and the truth comes out in all kinds of ways. Their only way of avoiding the shame they feel and the shame this child triggers in them is to emotionally disown the child and deflect that shame onto the child and that child then becomes the family scapegoat.  It is to say, “I’m not bad, you’re bad and you are my problem and now I’m the victim to you, and so is everyone else in the household.” The family can then hide all of their dysfunction behind this “family problem” person and can see themselves as the good ones because all of their focus can be placed on trying to fix what is “wrong” with this person. What is wrong with them is that everyone in the family has turned against them for being different and for not being able to change that.  But the other people in the house can’t see this. This person has become the identified patient in the family.

The experience of being turned against by the very people who you need love and belonging from the very most is so painful it is beyond describing.  And it makes it so the child has no way to feel safe. They feel hated by their family, especially the parent who initiates this shame deflection. They are growing up with an antagonist, an antagonist upon whom their life depends.  And the way a person copes with this is genius in the short term but completely destructive in the long term.

A child put in this position, pushes themselves away.  But they can’t physically do that so what happens is the pushing away of themselves, splits their consciousness in half.  To understand more about this concept, watch my video called Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. When they split their consciousness in half, one half contains the parts within them that they perceive that their parent hates.  The other half becomes a mirror image of their parent… An internal antagonist. This internal antagonist takes over the job of hating them for the parent. It becomes the one that is constantly shaming and criticizing the parts within this person that are seen as wrong and bad by the parent and now as a result, by the person themselves.  This makes the hurt not only controllable, but predictable. And the child believes that by doing this, they might just be able to change the things that are so detestable about them. The person has become their own abuser and hater so that the antagonistic parent is never given the occasion or opportunity to do it. Imagine you were going to go up to someone to hit them and they just started hitting themselves.  What would you do? Chances are, the desire to hurt them would go away. You’d feel on an energetic level that your goal was already being carried out. You would feel like either something is really wrong with them so they must need your help or that they agree that they deserve it to such a degree that they are going to do it for you. This would make you feel validated. This is usually the point at which the parent gets an extra boost of self-esteem through turning themselves into the “false healer” and the child is turned into an identified patient.

As you can see, this self-hating aspect is actually trying to save their life and rescue them from the wrath of the parent.  This part holds the truths of what matters most to them. For example, perhaps what the parent hated about the child was that she was so sensitive.  The self-hating part will constantly criticize and shame her for being sensitive. Because the thought is that with enough disapproval of it, she will either stop being that way or be motivated to fix it.  And this will get her the sense of belonging and safety she wants. We can then tell that the truth this self-hating aspect holds is just how important belonging and safety are and how much she needs those things.  Ideally, we need to figure out these valued and needed things that the self hater is holding the truth of and try to get those things directly in the places that we can get them from.

Self hate is a coping mechanism that is so dangerous because it is a coping mechanism that may keep you safer from the external hater/antagonist, but it leads to constant anxiety because you are living with a part that behaves like an enemy in your own skin.  And it leads to all kinds of dangerous behaviors in the long term. Things like risk taking, abusive relationships, self-destructive behaviors, self-injury and even suicide.

When you find this part within you, see the benevolent reason for its existence.  See that its strategy, though genius while you were living in an abusive environment, is now destroying your ability to live a life that is worth living.  See that the parts of you that this part has turned against, need to be accepted and loved instead. Go directly for the things you were trying to indirectly get by trying to hate these parts of you away.   Give them to yourself and get them from others. The life you want to live is just on the other side of wanting to be you instead of agreeing with your antagonistic parent that you should be someone else.

I am happy that I quit. It has been difficult going but insights like this make me happy :-). I do not know how it works, it gives space, it frees me of darkness. It brings, I don’t know, light? 🙂

I watched the video twice, feeling and remembering my way through what has happened in my life and how self-hate is happening currently. I was able to let go of some parts. Always funny how ‘letting go’ immediately causes an internal clamping reaction and how letting go of that to led me to a land of no self-hate. That is strange. I am and feel totally different there. Realise that I have no clue who I am if I do not hate myself. Breathe, relax and drink water. Feeling my whole body, system, all my energy wanting to hang on to what was. It is time to let go. This also means that I must take responsibility for being here. Ha! That is a ‘ziektewinst’ thing. What did I gain from being the victim of (self)hate? Not having to be responsible.

A woman who loves herself would love herself, get dressed and go out now the sun is shining. Do something. Allow myself to enjoy myself instead of sitting here being stuck in self-hatred. Ok, now I know how it works, I need to change the energetic mechanics of it. Funny how all these behaviours look like addictions. So, ha! I should be able to do that if I set myself to it.

I can see, feel the woman who (forcibly) loves herself stretching out her hand to the woman who learns not to hate herself. One day soon they might meet in the land of living within Love & Peace. ❤

Wishing you a nice sober weekend.

xx, Feeling