Boss, tax, chocolate

Things are difficult. Sad. Boss bitch is on war path again: “Ooh, I can not say that when Feeling is present (referring to the sex question about ‘how often do you do it?’ she half-finished when I walked in), but no worries guys, we can go back to normal when she’s not here.” She did another 3 of those today so with the large tax refund I got this week (3-4 monthly salaries) I (assume) I will be resigning next week. I will also be speaking with HR when I’m gone. Not totally sure yet. See how it feels later. There is something funny going on here too, which runs alongside; I have this intense feeling that all of my life I ‘had to go’, I should ‘rather not be there/present/alive because ‘too much’. That ‘nobody really likes me anyhow’. That I should ‘take myself out of the equation’ because I am not worth living anyhow. And she presses all these buttons. Stay and learn with the chance that I go under quickly en seriously or not take any chances with my mental health and energy and go? Repeating my leaving as I did in a lot of situations in my life. I keep on meeting these awful strange people of which everybody says ‘THEY. ARE. CRAZY – it is NOT you!’ But I keep on having to deal with them. I don’t know yet. Time will tell. And bwaahaha, maybe I should start taking life into my hands again. But that is the stupidity of situations like these: they take my life’s energy and I need to swim against the stream to keep alive. Anybody any advice?

I had no chocolate during this whole week except 1/4 bar this afternoon which makes a huge difference in how I am aware of my surroundings. That is great. Or not.:-)ย  I ‘knew’ sugar has a big impact on me, specifically the way I use it. It has become a so manniest addiction and I really need to look at it but I find it too difficult because of ‘poor me’. This week off works sort of like a 30 day challenge for alcohol. (No it doesn’t because it is not 30 days! Oooh, the lying….): it gives the effects on the body of sober living while the mind and the addict within can be at ease thinking ‘oooh, it is only 30 days… should be able to do that, let’s do this because otherwise I prove that I AM an addict….’. Well, it was a nice week and my awareness and sensitivity to energy and what is going on inside is back. I, again, learn why I have an addictive personality because the awareness of all which is going on inside and outside me is pretty overwhelming if I do not keep centered, aware and at ease all day. Breathing helps :-).

Last Monday I opened a letter from the tax office which send me reeling because it said that I had (missed) an appointment with them the week before. As you might know I never open my post immediately and this is one of the consequences. I was very disappointed at myself and very stressed out. Did not sleep that night and my blood pressure rose to a height I have never sensed before. Next day I mailed my admin person, 2 days later we spoke: he will contact the tax office and have the meeting with them since he can solve it in 10 minutes and no stress while I will be stressing out over this for days to come. Do I feel childish? Yes I do. Do I feel I have the right to move this ‘burden’ to somebody who gets paid for it. Yes I do. Sort of. And I realise now that I do not want to think about it because the only thing I say to me is ‘you are stupid’. But a woman who loves herself, she would have….? She actually feels she should have dealt with it. Hmmm…. :-/ I feel I should apologise personally to the person who came here while I was at work. Ok, I will call him.

Can’t wait for my new course in singing to start this Wednesday. I also like the video’s on Medical Intuition from Carolyn Myss very mych. There are 3 now:

1 What is medical intuition?
2 Why people don’t heal
3 The 5 keys to learning medical intuition

The content of the first is an answer to the question What is medical intuition. The second video is on what I call ‘ziektewinst’ – a Dutch word for ‘what we gain when we are ill’. She is pretty much into that and seeing it as a reason why people don’t heal. I think for me it can be true / is often true. I would not go about putting that out there to anybody else. (Rephrase: I did, and I regretted it). Not sure if I like the stern way she speaks about it but she does not get unkind, she is compassionate but strict. I like the way she deals with boundaries and speaks about power – although I would use the word strength more than power but that might be a language thing. The 3rd vid is a (bit messy) listing of 5 important points to learning medical intuition. I do not so much want to learn medical intuition as that Iย  want to get it clear. I have big medical intuition but I get it mixed up with fear which is not a good thing. I think she can learn me to get my intuition clear, be it medical or otherwise. That is the only thing I know for sure about my life: that I need to get clear, to undo the hold that addiction has on me, to undo the hold that past events, memories, bad memories have on me. That’s ‘all’. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Not much more to say here. A woman who loves herself would have been in bed already. I am happy that I quit and actually I am happy that I am working on quitting chocolate too. And I would be really grateful if I could put a stop to the moaning about it that I do. I guess you too :-).

Wishing you all a good weekend. Hoping you are happy that you quit too. ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

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14 thoughts on “Boss, tax, chocolate

  1. Hi Feeling,
    I am hoping you can find another job.
    It is not a healthy place for anyone to work in.
    I need to stop eating so many chips.
    I think it’s the salt and crunch I want.
    But they replace the good food my body needs!
    I am happy I quit, too!!
    xo
    Wendy

    Like

  2. I am really glad the tax stuff has provided you freedom to resign.
    Here’s my 2 cents. I would be honest with hr. and i would be prepared for the question – if the boss was gone would you stay…

    Her behaviour is completely out of line.

    Otherwise I know something interesting will come up. Keep opening the mail and taking small steps forward. The stress of worrying over nothing is just wasted effort.

    Hugs.
    Anne

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thank you! “The stress of worrying over nothing is just wasted effort.” Putting things in perspective is not my best quality. Ghegheghe….
      I would definitely stay when she would be gone. I like it there. But also: would the people still like me if my boss were to leave over this? Not sure, they do not like her, but me ‘having that power’… I’m not sure that is something they would appreciate. And I do not trust HR, she is a young girl straight from school, in a conversation with my boss I expect she will be manipulated all the way. She showed up at our factory once and was all over my boss who was advertising her good looks (assets!!!) for the boys. She looked as if she found it very exciting. As you might have noticed in my own conduct, the Dutch are not so politically correct as English speaking countries. PLEASE NOTE; that this is definitely the worst company anybody I know has ever encountered. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I used to work at at the HQ of an American sportsbrand (guess which one…. ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) for several years. I never ever heard even one joke about sex. Not done. Code green, code orange, code red were kept strictly.
      Thank you for reading and commenting. ๐Ÿ™‚ So much food for thought.
      xx, Feeling

      Like

  3. I agree with Anne and Wendy. Your boss is horrible to you. Unprofessional and untrustworthy. You cannot depend on her to maintain a professional work environment. There is something and somewhere else out there for you, Feeling. Where they will treat you with respect and dignity. Yes, there is stress, but look at what you are doing that is positive. Really, some good, good things. Thinking of you.* -HM.

    Liked by 2 people

      • Oh, that makes me sad. Maybe think about it as a hypothetical… “What if….” I looked for another position elsewhere, what would I like doing? “What if….” I looked for a transparent company who treats its employees well? “What if…” the work was something I believed in or supported a cause important to me? “What if….” A little daydreaming? …. Feeling, you deserve a good place with good people.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so happy that you have made the decision to resign. That workplace is toxic. As I get older my sweet tooth diminishes. Have you tried eating higher cocoa chocolate, I buy 90% it is very bitter but still fulfils the craving. I eat much less when I choose that one.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aaah, going up to 90%… hmmm, never thought of that.
      And yes, the boss and some of the collegues are toxic, two other women and guys are wonderful. ๐Ÿ™‚ But that does not make up for it anymore.
      FYI: in reference to your not visible other comments: WP somehow kept them invisible for others but me, I guess they see it as a spam thing. So I’ll approve one of them, so not to give you spam status.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

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