First day new job

Gheghe, I have 4 draft posts on ‘first day new job’ since it was last week. Never finished them because too exited. I am process coördinator now in the same branch with the same product as I was in. Actually I have moved to the chique big brother of the former company. Last week was my first day and today my second. It is all pretty overwhelming because I came in at the beginning of the introduction of a new process and I am the one who needs to roll it out in the company supported by two external consultants.

Last Thursday was my first day, Friday was tax check day where the tax office was doing a semi standard check on my admin over 2014. Not sure what the outcome is yet. If it is bad I might have to pay back a money. We will see. I was so stressed out I could not move for several days. This total freeze is my go to mode. However I did manage to do some meditating as well and that helped a little. I could now see it happening in stead of being caught up in it 100%, so I guess there is some ‘space’ developing.

I think I should check out how I spent the first days of my former job because I have been freaking out ever so now and then. Yesterday night I was convinced that I would be fired today. I was totally out of control panicky. However again there was a little space for ‘reality’ (?) because I assumed that I was in panick mode and could take a tiny, tiny little distance. It took me 2 hours to fall asleep and I woke up several times. I remembered from when I worked as an employee, before I started my own business that in a lot of nights, specifically Sunday nights I would not sleep well, freak out of things I was sure  I could not do. I assign a lot of my serious drinking to that feeling, I would on weekdays, drink an average amount, not to get drunk but to be able to sleep.

Again, I guess what is in the way is The Way; so now it is time to learn about this insecurity and related panick. I am not joking when I say: that at those moments I would rather not be alive. Would be a bad joke anyway, but it is not a joke. No idea where it comes from apart from not being able to deal with insecurity, failure and ‘not being good enough’.

I remember I always had this reaction to having to do something I thought I could not. This immensely overwhelming fear of failure. It is a very unpleasant even to think of it. And in these modes it is very difficult to do what a woman who loves herself would do because the first thought is to assume that I do not have rights to loving myself. 😦

I am happy that I quit because yesterday I could realise that I was in a freeze instead of only being frozen and I have taken deliberate action to get me out of that freeze. Only worked for seconds but hey, Rome was not built in one day and learning to bike also took me several days, so continue. What is in the way is The Way.

Today I will take better care though and go to bed in time. 🙂

I wish you all a very nice sober day / evening.

xx, Feeling

15 thoughts on “First day new job

  1. Great stuff, feeling! I’m happy for you ☺
    I do that Sunday night not sleeping thing every now and then. It’s weird. And I do the freezing up thing, too. Almost like I have to limit my activity because I’m really nervous. Can’t let anything slip, anything that would embarrass me.
    So I think a lot of people are similar, you’re not on your own ☺ good luck with the next few days – and the tax thing- look forward to hearing how it goes xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aah, it is good to hear that I am not the only one with Sunday night sleeping issues. Although I would prefer us both not to have them it still is nice to know that I am not the only one. 🙂 Need to get up tomorrow at 04:45 to be in at 6:00 but that is only for a few days a year, I guess. Not sure. Let’s see how it is to try to sleep at 20:45 🙂
      I am very worried about the tax thing. Ooh, my stomach. But I guess we will see. Let go and let God. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

    • 🙂 Yes, I’m happy too. AND realising today while doing the first quality checks that my former boss was a b!tch but wow did she run the place strict, clean and working the people hard. She did not do it in a nice way but she did perform a lot. 🙂 I guess I learned a lot there. Strange to only notice that in hindsight. 🙂 / 😦
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, and yes, I guess I did. 🙂 Working on, well, dunno what. Following where my heart leads me and working out how to do that in a sustainable way and that includes being sober. That’s about it. 🙂 I guess stuff will work itself out.
      xx, Feeling


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