Does drinking alcohol desensitize me to love?

My stat-site of the this WP blog show that somebody found my blog by asking some search engine (not  Google) ‘does drinking alcohol desensitize me to love?

In case you are still around: I think the answe is yes. Alcohol numbs all kinds of true observations and real feelings but it feeds sentiments and the untrue stuff. If you want to find out how it works: quit drinking. 🙂

I need to be in bed in time so no further thoughts on the subject. I would however appreciate it if you would leave a message. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Life is starting to change. I still have difficulty relaxing after the stressfull time of the last months (boss, no job, tax audit) but I think I’ll get there. I did celebrate my 29 months sober with ordering 3 t-shirts and 4 books. Hey, I saved more than half a year salary the other day with the tax audit so it feels like I am entitled to. I only had 1 t-shirt left without holes anyhow. Now I will have 4! 🙂 You can’t believe how rich I feel. Not having to wash every second day would be nice.

I am happy I quit. A woman who loves herself would eat less chocolate because I feel it disturbing my bloodpressure and heartbeat and it is not nice. Not sure why (tf?) I eat it. It is starting to irritate me even more but I am still walking this strange road. It will sort itself out someday. 🙂 We have a saying; a pitcher goes so often to the well that it comes home broken at last and another one: the shore will change the ship’s direction / will stop the ship. I have currently no influence, need all my energy to perform in my job and stay healthy till halfway april at least because then I have a big work test. After that I can, I don’t know, start to live a little? 

Wishing you a nice sober evening / day and a good week! I am happy that I quit, my life is on the move again, slowly, but it is. 🙂

xx, Feeling

First day new job

Gheghe, I have 4 draft posts on ‘first day new job’ since it was last week. Never finished them because too exited. I am process coördinator now in the same branch with the same product as I was in. Actually I have moved to the chique big brother of the former company. Last week was my first day and today my second. It is all pretty overwhelming because I came in at the beginning of the introduction of a new process and I am the one who needs to roll it out in the company supported by two external consultants.

Last Thursday was my first day, Friday was tax check day where the tax office was doing a semi standard check on my admin over 2014. Not sure what the outcome is yet. If it is bad I might have to pay back a money. We will see. I was so stressed out I could not move for several days. This total freeze is my go to mode. However I did manage to do some meditating as well and that helped a little. I could now see it happening in stead of being caught up in it 100%, so I guess there is some ‘space’ developing.

I think I should check out how I spent the first days of my former job because I have been freaking out ever so now and then. Yesterday night I was convinced that I would be fired today. I was totally out of control panicky. However again there was a little space for ‘reality’ (?) because I assumed that I was in panick mode and could take a tiny, tiny little distance. It took me 2 hours to fall asleep and I woke up several times. I remembered from when I worked as an employee, before I started my own business that in a lot of nights, specifically Sunday nights I would not sleep well, freak out of things I was sure  I could not do. I assign a lot of my serious drinking to that feeling, I would on weekdays, drink an average amount, not to get drunk but to be able to sleep.

Again, I guess what is in the way is The Way; so now it is time to learn about this insecurity and related panick. I am not joking when I say: that at those moments I would rather not be alive. Would be a bad joke anyway, but it is not a joke. No idea where it comes from apart from not being able to deal with insecurity, failure and ‘not being good enough’.

I remember I always had this reaction to having to do something I thought I could not. This immensely overwhelming fear of failure. It is a very unpleasant even to think of it. And in these modes it is very difficult to do what a woman who loves herself would do because the first thought is to assume that I do not have rights to loving myself. 😦

I am happy that I quit because yesterday I could realise that I was in a freeze instead of only being frozen and I have taken deliberate action to get me out of that freeze. Only worked for seconds but hey, Rome was not built in one day and learning to bike also took me several days, so continue. What is in the way is The Way.

Today I will take better care though and go to bed in time. 🙂

I wish you all a very nice sober day / evening.

xx, Feeling

World coming down

In short: Friday I will hand in (mail) my resignation and the tax office wants to audit me from 2015 back to 2010. How funny is that for somebody who can’t even open a letter? Well, I guess that is how karma works; life gets thrown at me until I deal. Not dealing? Throwing continues.

I am happy that I quit. I am also very sad. Not sure why. Because I feel like I can’t deal. Like I am not worth ‘it’, whatever that might mean. I find life too difficult sometimes. Now is one of those moments. I did call my SIL and she got some really great advise on trying to get the tax situation clear by asking questions. Hey!!! 😀 I would like to think I could have worked that one out myself but…. no. 🙂 Not now with my head, heart and body in stress. Last night I woke up with pain in my chest. Sometimes I can’t breathe well. I wish I would know what the heck I’m doing this all for. And then again: all I need to do is to get and stay clear and I guess working through this is part of that. 🙂 And in the end; take it one step further and un-mess my life. This is all just the result of not taking good care. And that is how Life is: if I do not set boundaries the outside world will do that for me. That is what happens when one drinks too much, that is what happens if one sits on one’s ass and lives without purpose and only reactive.

I’m off to bed. Very much in need of some good sleep. 🙂

I wish you all a good day/night.

xx, Feeling