Yesterday I felt normal. Today I think I am bored. I had forgotten about this thing, to me it feels like an addiction thing where boredom and being normal is absolutely unbearable.
I am not bored. No I am not bored, I am stalling so thoroughly that I close myself up for every feeling just to make sure that guilt does not enter my premises. There are things I need to do, like The Plan and extra stuff. I know (?) that The Plan is The Step to the Next Level. Hmmm, thinking error: it should not be Next Level, it should be organic, all around, carried from within, not walking stairs in nothingness to a Next Level. So this implies that I am waiting for The Next Level to happen while actually it is not about the next level, it is about the transformation I undergo while doing The Work of following The Plan.
So today I am stalling because there are things I need to do that I do not want to do AND I certainly don’t want to feel how bad I feel about that.
Just did an exercise in feeling how it would be to not have that feeling of guilt lurking at my doors. There’s a hint: walls disappear and I tumble forward into nothingness. Down the rabbit hole into timeless nothingness. No direction. It is like floating on my own through the Universe, without the stars and planets. It is that feeling where you are in nature and look at a starry sky and the moon. This overwhelmingly big awareness of being. Where you realise the magnificence of it all and feel both intense loneliness and intensely connected.
And now internalize the feeling of connectedness, do not direct it at the universe or a higher power, keep it within and around you. Keep breathing.
Take out the stars and the moon, the earth and everything and everybody on it but stay with the feeling that was within and around. And breathe…..
So that’s where I go if I don’t put up walls of dislike and apprehension. I think I’d better sit with it. Watch the grass grow. Otherwise I keep on running and hindering myself by throwing up unnecessary walls.
Time to do stuff.